Stuff keeps happening

It's been busy around here. Lots of drama. I should have posted earlier, but damn, I've been kinda overwhelmed.

Let's start with Sproing, because his drama just culminated today. I'll start from the end; today he went before the family court judge (where Dept. of Juvenile Justice cases are heard) for a probation violation hearing and was sentenced to further probation until he is 18 years old (January of 2016) and remanded to kiddie jail. He will be at the evaluation center/holding tank until a bed opens in an alternate placement. There are many of them around the state. Some are wilderness camp-type places, some with more of a military philosophy, and I'm not sure what all else. He will be at the eventual placement until he meets that facility's requirements for completion. As I understand it, each program has a certain level of accomplishment, like a number of points or something, that he has to reach to be considered acceptable for release. You know, until he has rehabilitated himself. Or something.

The kid has been incorrigible for months. He is failing all of his classes, refuses to cooperate or do any classwork in his English class and I guess is just lazy in his other classes. He actively despises his English teacher. She expects him to participate in class and do his work, heaven forbid. He has been suspended 14 days in the first nine weeks, so even in the couple of classes he was (barely) passing he has now fallen so far behind that it's overwhelming trying to catch up.

Sproing argues with us almost constantly. "What you fail to understand..." is his opening statement. We don't understand anything, evidently. He has responsibilities and obligations that he isn't meeting, but it's never his fault.

About three weeks ago Superman was out of the country on a business trip. The Tuesday he was gone Sproing and Diva got into an argument that turned violent. He hit her a few times, she threw half of our living room at him, piece at a time. Threw a side table at him, breaking the table and traumatizing the poor dog. She grabbed full drawers out of a plastic case thingie that had some of my craft supplies in it, and hurled the drawers at him, still full of stuff. There was craft detritus strewn all across the living room. I tried as much as possible to stay out of their way, as I had no desire to get hit. I told them to go to their rooms and calm down, which advice was of course ignored. I was in my room and Diva came in, hysterical. She locked the door behind her and Sproing banged on it, demanding to be let in. He's in a rage. You think we want him in here? Hell no! But he kicked the door in. So now not only are their bedroom doors broken and nearly ruined, mine is damaged too. The little fuckers.

There is a little bit more I want to say about Sproing's anger and argumentative spirit, but I'll go into Diva's drama first because his relates to hers.

Diva successfully contacted her birth mother. Through Facebork. A couple of months ago she found her mother's Facebork page and sent a friend request. Her mother, Janice, evidently doesn't check Facebork very often and only saw the friend request a couple of weeks ago, at which point she accepted Diva's request and was thrilled to be back in touch. The feeling was mutual. Janice has seven children, Diva being her second. Janice also has a double fist full of siblings, correspondingly large numbers of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Everyone was super excited about finding Diva. The first day they connected, one of Janice's sisters drove down here (an hour+ drive) that evening. The next day Janice came down with all of her younger children to see Diva. Was it that weekend or the next, I don't remember exactly, that Diva went to spend the weekend with her birth family? She's spent every weekend since with them. Last weekend she met her birth father for the first time. I overheard her talking to her father on the phone last night. She called him "Daddy" and she calls Janice "Mom." Interesting, in that she calls me and Superman "Mom" and "Dad" respectively. Sounds confusing.

Anyway, lots of big drama. Janice's family is kinda ... high maintenance from a drama drama drama standpoint. And it turns out that one of the assistant principals at Diva's high school is distantly related to her. She (the principal) was married to Diva's uncle once upon a time. I've had a couple of good discussions with said principal, and she tells me to be careful when engaging with that family. Drama, drama, drama. So far, and it's been maybe three weeks, things seem to be OK.

I am genuinely happy for Diva that she has connected with her birth family. This is something she's wanted for a very long time. I'm happy for Janice, too, because she eventually regretted placing Diva for adoption. It was the only choice she could see at the time, and did it in part (as I understand it) to prevent children's services from taking custody of her two children. So she gave Diva a good home (theoretically) and was able to parent her older son. Then she had five more children (two more girls and three boys) to make up for? replace? the one she'd released for adoption. I don't know. The whole thing is much more complicated than that, but I suspect that's one element.

As I said, things are going well so far. It's the honeymoon period, and Diva does honeymoons very well. I think Janice hasn't told her "no" about anything significant yet, or hasn't made any demands of her that Diva doesn't agree with. When that happens, oh boy, watch out. It'll get dramatic, I suspect. The first weekend Diva was with them, they bought her quite a few clothes and pairs of shoes. So Diva thinks they're heaven sent. Last weekend her birth-daddy gave her a cell phone. (We gave her a phone a couple of years ago and she immediately started sexting with much older guys, ranging in age from late teens to early 30s. Nekkid pictures were traded, meetings were set up. We took her phone away. After a few months we tried again, and the same thing happened. Repeat. So she doesn't have a phone from us anymore.) Right now they are spoiling her. This is the set-up. Soon they will expect things from her, things she isn't willing to do or provide. That's how I see this mess working out.

If you've read this blog for any time at all, you are aware of Diva's explosive disposition. She comes by her demeanor and personality honestly. The nut doesn't fall far from the tree, as the saying goes. So as, um, dramatic as she is, I expect similar behavior from the rest of her family. This has the potential to blow up. I hope it doesn't, but I'm expecting fireworks.

I don't really know how I feel about the whole reunion with the birth family. As I said, I'm happy for the girl and the family, but for myself? I'm not sure. In a way it's threatening, but at the same time something of a relief. We have had Diva for close to 16 years, through ups and downs. More recently things have been very difficult. If she wants to hang with her birth family and show them how bloody difficult she is, more power to her. Then I expect they'll blame us for her waywardness, but whatever. I'm almost past caring. The thing is, I really do care about her. I love her. I don't like her very much most days, but I always love her. I want what's best for her, and often I am not sure just what is best for her. Or for Sproing, either. He's in jail now. I hope he does well, learns important lessons from the experience, grows into the responsible young man I know he can be.

Diva reconnecting with her birth family has raised some issues with Sproing. All of a sudden he was asking about his birth family. Unfortunately we don't have much information for him. His was a closed adoption, so we don't even know his birth mom's name. We have records, court documents, etc. but her name is blanked out. I showed him what we have and he got very angry. He accused us of hiding things from him, for lying to him for 16 years. WTF? He hasn't even been curious about his birth family, hardly. Every so often he'll ask a general question, but he's never had the burning desire for contact that Diva has. I don't lie to the kids. OK, sometimes I may fudge the truth a little, or leave out a few details, but never do I tell big lies.

I understand that Sproing is angry. I think he feels neglected, left out, ignored. Or maybe he thinks we're taking advantage of him or something. I don't know, and he won't talk to me. He won't open up to me and let me know how he feels about anything. I try to start conversations with him, totally open and nonthreatening, but he immediately goes on the defensive. And he gets angry so very quickly. As I said, it's arguments every day for hours, if I keep engaging him. I tell him that we don't agree so there's nothing more to discuss, but he won't drop it then, he wants to keep yelling at me. Wears me out.

Diva will turn 17 one month from today (the 4th) (Happy election day). At that age she no longer is compelled to stay at home. If she runs away before she's 17, law enforcement can haul her back home. Once she turns 17 she's allowed by law to leave home. One month. By a show of hands, how many think she'll move in with her birth family in a month? She has been threatening/promising for months (a year or more, maybe even) to move away, in with friends once she turns 17. Now that the birth family is so eager and willing to have her as part of their lives, it's a real possibility she'll move there. Will that be a good thing? I don't know. Will she choose to do so? I don't know. To her benefit, Janice encourages Diva to finish school. Janice never did. She dropped out very early, getting pregnant at age 13 or 14. Janice wants Diva to get her high school diploma. I'm grateful for the encouragement. Janice also tells Diva to respect us as her adoptive parents. I like this. Will Diva listen? I don't know. Diva has a pretty strong opinion of us, and it isn't positive.

Diva will have to come to terms with her birth family on her own, learn about them, how to deal with them, how to not be overwhelmed by them. I don't know how long that might take, if she ever succeeds. I wish her luck.

Update featuring "bad" children

I wish the kids were mature enough to be civil responsible citizens, but alas, emotionally disturbed 16 year olds act like ill-behaved adolescents. Both are on probation. Sproing is currently in violation of his probation, but Diva is about a month away from being off probation. She's done a bit better recently. However, just this Tuesday the two of them got into a fight here at home. They traded punches and threw things (including furniture) at each other. It was a loud mess. Property was damaged. But through it all I remained calm. It's gotten to the point that whatever they do, there's not much I can do to make a difference. Through the fight I calmly told them to go to their rooms and calm down. They totally ignored me, as usual. I'm just trying to survive until they grow up and move out. It makes me feel like a bad parent, but I don't let it tear me apart like it used to. When I was earning my recent psychology degree I remember in either Adolescent Development or Adolescent Psychopathology class I read that "bad" children lead to "bad" parenting. OK, it wasn't that simple. Difficult children make it much harder to do the "good parenting" things. I find that to be a very true truth. 

Superman is out of the country on business this week. He'll be home Saturday evening. It's been a long week. He's in Belgium, where those Belgians make some of the best chocolate on the planet. As usual when he goes to Belgium, I don't allow him back in the country unless he brings me chocolate offerings. After the week I've had, I need it! 

"Need" might be overstating things. I'm an over-eater. Some people drink too much alcohol, and "need" booze to help them through difficult times. In like manner, I "need" chocolate. I had a lovely bowl of chocolate ice cream this afternoon. In related news, I've gained about 20 lbs. since the start of summer. I'd lost about 60 lbs. but am up 20 now. I need to get a grip on this shit. There are more effective ways to deal with stress. But dammit, I'm too stressed (or maybe too depressed) (or both) to invest the energy into eating right and exercising as I should. That's bullshit, you realize. I am responsible for my own actions (or inaction, in this case). It is all my fault and it's my responsibility to get my shit together and do the right thing. But damn. A bowl of ice cream is easier. Also, the depression thing causes me to not care about myself enough to do the right thing. But then I feel fat and stupid and want to lose weight. It's an evil cycle. 

Just this week I was able to talk to another mother with a difficult child. Her kid is only 7 years old, poor thing, and has serious mental/emotional problems. There is nothing I can do to provide practical assistance, but I can listen and sympathize. It's amazing how much help that can be. I understand her feeling of helplessness. She's just beginning to get a clue that she is a parent of a special needs child. It's extremely difficult to accept that designation. It's one thing if your child is born with an obvious birth defect. This kid looks perfectly normal. But when the behavior is socially unacceptable, the parent looks like a fool. It really isn't the parent's fault, per se, it's that the kid is abnormal. That's not what Joe Schmo on the street sees, though. My point here is that I feel useful when I'm able to talk to the mom, or more importantly listen to the mom, and assure her that I know what it's like, have similar experiences. 

And I heard from one of my former professors asking for the same help. She knows a woman with a difficult child and asked if I would talk to the mom, maybe help her connect to local resources to help the child. So now I'm waiting on an email from this mom. I do know a few resources that can maybe help the kid, but I suspect just connecting with someone else who understands will be as much help as anything else. 

I haven't had any social connections recently. I'm not doing anything these days, and I feel useless. Well, I am doing stuff, but it involves taking my children to appointments and such. Oh, I failed to mention that Sproing has been suspended from school all this week. The fool (he's really very intelligent, but painfully unwise) got himself six days of out-of-school suspension. So this whole week while Superman has been out of the country I've had to deal with Sproing all day, every day. And his attitude stinks. He's a pain in the ass, except when he wants something from me and then is very charming. He has charm out the wazoo. 

Speaking of chocolate, I read yesterday that the price of chocolate will probably go up soon. The African countries with Ebola problems supply much of the U.S. chocolate. Ebola is the real tragedy. Chocolate is a meaningful and unfortunate side effect. Chocolate impacts my life more directly than Ebola. For that I am thankful. 

Baseball is in the post-season playoffs now. I like baseball, and have been watching the playoffs when I can. The Kansas City Royals won the American League championship, and currently San Francisco and St. Louis are battling for the National League championship. The score in game 5 is tied at 3 in the 9th inning. Sproing has been in here arguing with me for the past two hours, criticizing me for not paying attention to him. And he's arguing about stupid stuff. So I told him to go away until the game is over. I hope he won't want to argue with me anymore when the game is over. I don't like to argue. The boy does. A lot. I'm emotionally exhausted.  

Meh

It's like this... nuthin'. I got nuthin' going on, nothing interesting to say.

My brain is full of cotton fluff. Nothing interests me, my primary motivation is to stay out of the way of the people in this house. Except maybe Superman. He's nice. Everyone else is annoying at the very least.

Sproing got himself suspended from school for mouthing off to an administrator and refusing to cooperate. Typical Sproingish behavior, I see it all the time. The assistant principal was not amused. Now Sproing is home until next Wednesday and I am not amused. I can't talk to him. When I try he gets very angry and won't listen.

Diva came home from school in tears today. The usual suspects are picking on her again. They're threatening to jump her... after graduation. She's repeating the 10th grade, and if she passes all her classes this year and next she will be eligible to graduate in June of 2016. So, over a year and a half from now she might get jumped by these girls who don't like her. But to her it is a big thing, and I can't dismiss her concerns. But she won't tell me who these girls are and she refuses to inform the authorities at school. So what the hell am I supposed to do about it? All I did today was make sympathetic noises. Really, it's all she allows me to do.

I'm not a good mother anymore. I think I used to be, to the older children who were good at behaving themselves. To the younger ones when they were real young. I have no idea what to do with them now. I've lost most of the respect they ever had for me. I feel used. This feeling of being used is probably typical of parents of teens. No matter, is sucks.

So my only purpose in life right now is to love my husband. I can do that. I enjoy loving my husband. He's a great guy. Not perfect, of course, and I try to ignore his imperfections. I can live with that. I'm supposed to have purpose as a mother, but my children won't let me. Whatever. I just wish they wouldn't argue with me. It hurts.

I don't post here very often anymore. There isn't much to say that doesn't sound pitiful. But I figured I'd check in, let you know that I'm still alive and I plan to stay that way.

Did She Survive the Summer?

I don't know. The verdict is still out on that one.

The kids are back in school and I am still alive, so if those are the measurements, yes I survived. But who am I now? I don't know.

I'll tell you a little bit about the kids. Sproing is already not doing well at school, and they've been in for seven days. We have a teacher conference with his English teacher tomorrow afternoon. Also he's failing math already. I don't know what it is about this boy, and I don't know what to do with him. That's what his English teacher says, too.

And now for Diva: she has contracted another STD, this time a biggie. She's got genital herpes. Or the way she says it, general harpies. You'd think she was an uneducated idiot. Maybe she is, though I've done everything in my power to enrich her life with educational opportunities and good moral teaching.

I don't know who I am. I feel like I'm about three feet tall with the strength of a four year old. No, I know too much to have the strength of a four year old. They have the benefit of ignorance (very different from idiocy) and naivety which increases their particular strength. I'm a useless mass of non-confidence. Or a non-confident mass of uselessness.

Can you smell the depression? And when I'm depressed I don't post on my blog very much. I also don't read blogs much, so I have no idea what anyone else is doing. Slugmama, bless her heart, sent me a message today (or was it yesterday?) inquiring of my situation. You can thank her for this post, such as it is.

I don't even go online much these days. Just this week I've checked my email almost every day, which is a huge jump from the once a week or so I was active last month. I had been doing the Facebork thing pretty regularly, but that tapered off sometime mid summer. I just don't care about much anymore.

The kids will be home any minute now and I want to be done here first, so this is what'cha got today.

A brief scream in the middle of an otherwise quiet blog presence

Still not connected, still on a hijacked computer

I did a load of laundry today. This amounts to rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic that is my household.

The kids are screaming ugliness at each other at top volume. Diva has caused a small flood in my kitchen and is now doing I don't know what in there. There are a handful of large, loud teenage boys in my living room. I just took an Ativan, so I won't be worried about it much longer.

I have no control over my household, my children, much of my life. I have no sense of agency. I don't even know how to work this damned computer belonging to Superman. It doesn't respond to me. If I were more comfortable with the computer I'd link "Ativan" to some drug information and "agency" to the definition that refers to one's ability to take action, or to effect action, or something like it.

There are no answers, there isn't even a question. I need nothing by way of comments. I just needed to scream out loud for a minute. I'll be fine.

School starts in three weeks and four days.

From a hijacked computer

because my computer won't turn on. I think it's just the power cord thing, but I'm not going to replace it right now because I need a whole new computer. But replacing the computer isn't happening this payday, you know? So I'm not really online right now. Just wanted you to know, in case you were wondering. I miss you all, though I'm keeping busy reading and sewing, mostly.

Hello

I keep thinking I should write something, but nothing sounds interesting.

Manny, my truck, is in the shop. The passenger window came off its track today, so they'll fix that, and I told my guy to go ahead and fix the bad oil leak. Maybe then the truck will be ready for a nice long road trip. Unfortunately a long road trip isn't in the budget, especially after paying for the repairs. Oh well. I do hope to get to the mountains of North Carolina for a camping trip this summer. Probably not going farther than that, unfortunately.

My life is boring.

Superman and I have been going to the gym almost every day, doing the weight machines and treadmill (me) or elliptical (him) on alternate days. Did that make sense? Every other day it's weight machines, the other days it's treadmill/elliptical. Tomorrow is a treadmill day for me. This is a boring topic.

I had an argument with Sproing today. Nothing new. We were in the truck (right before he knocked the window out of its track) on the way to his doctor's appointment, arguing, when I got pulled over by a state trooper. Why? Because Sproing wasn't wearing his seat belt. HA HA HA!!!  He got a $25 ticket and a lecture from the state trooper. I got to watch it all. We were only a little bit late for the doctor's appointment and it wasn't a big deal, thankfully.

I've been sewing some more. I made a dress that doesn't fit right but have an idea of how to adjust it to make it work. The arm holes (it's a sleeveless jumper) are too tight in the front. I'm going to have to hack up the bodice a bit. I'm making this shit up as I go along. I really don't know what I'm doing.

Which leads me to my current theme song.


And that's about all I got tonight.

The Title of this Post

Have you ever had a great idea for a post, then forgotten it when you sit down to write? I hate when that happens.

My children are getting older. I don't mean my children, specifically, not the four who share my last name. I refer to folks who are young enough to be my children. Diva's birth mother was 16 when she had Diva. She's now 32. I'm 52, a whole twenty years older than her. Today Superman and I met a young-ish Physicians Assistant (PA) who is 33, father of two-year-old twins. At 19 years older than him, I'm old enough to be his mother. And he's not all that young.

And how did we meet this PA? We were in the emergency room. Superman experienced some atrial fibrillation again this morning and got extremely dizzy. Shortly after 8:00 I said call the doctor, he called the office and made an appointment for 10:30. No, dear, TALK to the Doc! I mean, he could barely stand. He needed to go to the ER. So I called back and cancelled that appointment then took him to the ER. By the time we got there his heart was back in normal rhythm, but his blood pressure was low - 91/60. No wonder he was dizzy. They put him in a treatment room and eventually infused him with a unit of fluids (saline solution). That helped. They did blood work, took a chest X-ray, and of course did an electrocardiogram. Everything except the blood pressure was normal, and after the bag of saline solution the BP improved. So we came home. And had lunch. He stayed home the rest of the day and has felt fine. I convinced him not to go to work this afternoon. We had a pleasant day together, except for that ER part.

There might have been more I was going to say, but I don't know what it might have been.

I'm restless

but not bored!

This is the first full week of summer break for the kids. I made it to the second day before I lost it. Sproing was the instigating factor, he and all, I dunno, ten of his noisy friends who were in my living room all day playing video games in the dark. And he was R-U-D-E to me. He does that sometimes, then other times he's as nice and gentle as can be. I wish he'd be gentle and considerate all the time, but what's a wish worth? And he's 16 years old, so that ain't gonna happen anytime soon. Anyway, I had a good long cry, part of it in front of him. He's been nicer since then and I feel better, too. And on the third day, yesterday, I opened the back door and the curtain to bring natural light into the living room. He left it like that most of the day, so I'm pleased. Ish.

So, the restlessness. I think this is part of the Abilify medication. Seems I've more gumption to do stuff than I have stuff to do. And last night I woke up just before 3:00. I did some laundry, Faceborked a bit, found that thing I knew I had but didn't know where. Do you ever have a thing and there's something else that goes with it, or is necessary for it to work, but you don't seem to ever find the two things together at the same time? Yeah, that's me a lot of the time. Well, since I've been organizing some of my junk (and throwing some of it away) I actually know where some stuff is. Not everything by a long shot, but some stuff. And last night I found that thing that goes with the other thing that I cleaned up off the front porch recently.

Yesterday evening Superman and I transplanted sunflower seedlings into the small fence garden we have in the front yard. Don't know if they will survive because they were kinda young to transplant, but I'd started them in the little peat pellet things which are too small for starting sunflowers. I also have some marigolds started in the peat pellets and they're progressing just fine. Maybe one day I'll get some pics up here.

I never got back to sleep last night/today. I got dressed and went to the gym at 5:30. Last night I was thinking I wouldn't go today, but what the hell else can I do at 5 a.m.? So I spent half an hour walking a mile on the treadmill. Not much, I know, but I'm starting where I'm comfortable. I did sweat, so there's that. And the shower once I got home felt really good. Oh, and I stepped on the scale at the gym and I'm down a couple more pounds. I haven't been this low since sometime last fall, I think. Still not to the weight I achieved last summer, but I'm about five pounds from it. This feels good, except for the hunger part. And I'm not often hungry anyway. I'd love to have a bowl of cereal, but we're off grains entirely for the first two weeks. We've got about a week and a half until that bowl of cereal happens. tick tick tick tick

Diva finished her "seat time" at school yesterday at 11:00. So the meltdown I had on Tuesday didn't involve Diva at all as she wasn't even on her summer break yet. Gagh! She got out of school late yesterday morning and went directly over to her friend's house. Not Morq in Abbeville, but the girl who lives within walking distance. She spent the night there last night. Yippee!!

Late in the day Monday I realized our big freezer wasn't working. It's been acting squirrely for a few weeks, and it finally died or whatever. So Tuesday morning after dropping Diva at school I went to Lowe's and bought a freezer. A congelateur. Multilingual boxes are fun. Guy shopping is fun, too. I went into the store, picked up a 35 lb. bag of birdseed on the way to appliances. I found the freezer I wanted in about three seconds. Was looking for a smallish upright freezer. There was one small one at the end of a row of big ones. Ba-da-bing. Found the lady working the department, told her what I wanted, she did her computer thingie and ta-da. She told me to go to the checkout and give the phone number associated with our account and there it would be. So I did. As I was checking out the nice young man (cute, brunette, slender and quite strong) came up front with my freezer. I pulled the truck to the entrance there and he loaded it. By himself. Picked the thing up and put it on the tailgate. I was impressed. I got my ratcheting tie-downs around the box and secured it in the truck bed. The whole affair, from parking to driving away, lasted maybe ten minutes. Less than fifteen, anyway. I love efficient shopping like that.

Oh, I had to get some new athletic shoes for this gym thing we're doing. I despise shoe shopping. Superman went with me and I found a shoe I liked in relatively short time. It would have taken much longer if I'd gone alone. I'm glad he was with me.

I'm itching for a road trip. I want to go visit Light and see my other friend who lives there. A fabulously tall gay man who sometimes is a woman. I can relate. I'm a woman (not all that tall, not terribly fabulous) who is sometimes a man. Anyway, Nik has become a good friend. We can spend hours and hours talking. Way into the night. The night before I have to get up and drive in the freezing cold from western PA to Delaware. Hence the need for a nap Friday afternoon, to those bloggerpalooza participants. Oops, got distracted again. So I want to take a road trip back to western PA. Again. And it's time for my annual escape trip. School is out and I need to take an emotional breather to survive the rest of the summer. Thing is, though, what with buying a freezer and getting my truck fixed recently, road trip money done got spent. My truck works, but I can't afford to take it anywhere. Also it still needs the new gasket on the lifter place. And my guy says it'll cost at least $400 to do that. So here I sit. I might be able to finagle a road trip in a month or so, but I'm not sure.

Today is a good day

So often I post when I feel bad, depressed, frustrated, etc. I feel good today. So I thought I'd write down a bit about it here. Also, there's work I'm trying to avoid.

Stuff is getting done around here today, and it's a good Saturday to do it. "They" are predicting rain this afternoon, so the fellas are getting some outside stuff done now. Sproing and Twitch took a load of junk to the dump. Because I am a hoarder and they looked useful, I had Superman take the back wheels off the dead lawnmower before it left for the dump. They're bigger wheels, maybe a foot across. Not super big, but bigger than tiny, you know?

I sewed an ugly skirt for myself this morning. I just need a bit more elastic for the back waistband before I can finish it. Let me tell you the story. A few years ago, I don't remember exactly, I got this ugly fabric. I don't know how or why, but there it is. And there wasn't a whole lot of it, either, not enough to make a shirt with sleeves or a dress or my favorite skirt pattern. I designed a plain skirt with pockets (because pockets are important, dammit!) and cut it all out. Then left it to gather dust. I was depressed when I did all that, and decided to make an ugly skirt because I'm worthless and don't deserve any better. Then I got even more depressed and lost the motivation to carry on with making the thing. Well, I unearthed the parts recently and yesterday decided to put it together. Despite the fact that the fabric is ugly, the pattern I designed is pretty nifty and I wanted to put it together to see if it is as nifty as I think. The jury is still out on that one, since I can't put it on until there's elastic in the back waistband.

Superman is joining me in this weight  loss not-diet and exercise program. It's a 36 week program, did I tell you last time? Yes? Well, I'm telling you again. We had the orientation Wednesday last, then on Thursday did the first session with our personal trainer/coach. We get three sessions with her (Kimberly) for free to get us acclimated to the machines and such. I did 15 repetitions on each of however many machines she showed us. I forget which machines. There's a chart. I wasn't nearly as sore as I thought I'd be. Hardly sore at all.

After our first training session Superman took me out to get new shoes. I got the Nike Free things. Super nifty shoes! I wanted to get the mens shoe but they were out of my size. I got a gray pair of womens shoes. That's OK, too. Superman showed me a pair of bright red shoes, thinking I might be interested. I said "What?? Do you know me at all? What color do I absolutely never wear?" Red. So yeah, I didn't get that shoe. Also my shoe size seems to have grown from a 9 to a 10. What actually happened, I think, is that the manufacturers and merchandisers have changed the size categories again. I wore an 8 or 8.5 when I finished growing back in the olden days. I doubt my feet have grown that much. Some, yes, because pregnancy will do that and I did pregnancy twice, but really, I've been a 9 since the early 90s.

Today's project, until I get bored of it, is to organize more in my bedroom and office/studio. That's the task I'm avoiding now. I got a good start in the bedroom, got one big chunk of a shelf empty. The dusty stuff from that shelf is sitting on the kitchen table waiting to get cleaned and to find a place in my studio.

My stomach is asking if it's lunchtime yet. Think I'll have an egg in toast. That's too much starch for today, but we won't actually start the food part of the program until Monday, so today's the day, dude!

The drain

Sproing and Diva will be home all day tomorrow and for the foreseeable future. Today is the last day of school. I feel as though all the interest and motivation has drained from my life. I do truly despise summer break.

So I'm going to the gymnasium today for an orientation. I've joined a 36 week program (that's a really long time) of exercise and healthy eating that should get me in much better shape (and not so much the round shape) and help me lose some of this extra weight. I told the fella leading it that I want to lose 100 lbs. Now, I don't expect, nor do I desire to lose 100 lbs. in 36 weeks. Lordy, that's way too fast. Perhaps I could lose half of that, somewhere between 40 and 50 lbs in that time. That's also kinda fast, but doable, maybe. Anyway, I'll do orientation later this morning. Then probably tomorrow I'll start with the exercise. Ugh. I'm not looking forward to that part. And I need to get some proper attire. I doubt the skirts are going to be adequate. And I need proper footwear. Some people may be excited about getting all these new clothes and shoes and shit. I am not one of those people. I don't like shopping for clothes or shoes, though I like having a good pair of supportive athletic shoes.

I seem to be over-emotional today. Sproing threatened to skip school today and I broke down crying. Right now I'm on the verge of tears for reasons I don't understand. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's the threat of summer break. Maybe it's the threat of exercise.

For real, people. I fear exercise. It's like I was bitten by a gymnasium as a child or something. I get anxious and panicky when I go into a gym or onto a playing field. And I cry easily. I hate this. I look like a fat wimp. But part of me wants to do this. Really, I want the results and the only way to do that is to go through the discomfort, both mental and physical.

I have an idea. I'll make a paperclip chain, one clip for every day until the first day of school. And at the end of each day I'll take off one clip, and the chain will grow shorter and shorter. This works for me; I've done it before for other things. At first the chain seems interminably long, but all of a sudden, one day it looks shorter.

My brain is desperately searching for something to make it feel better. This is where we must avoid dangerous traps, because the simple brain wants to numb the pain. It's 8 a.m., let's have a beer! No, not gonna do that. The rest of that big bag of M&Ms. Also not a good idea. A cigarette! That'll be great! No, a particularly bad idea, and I don't smoke anyway. Dude, time to get baked. Nope, not going there. Don't have a source for that shit and I don't want to do it while it's illegal anyway, if at all. So here I am, pounding away on the blog. I think it helps.

I just received a call from the school. Diva needs to be picked up at 10:30 because she doesn't have a 6th period. As part of her shortened school day she dropped her 6th period class, and the last class of today coincides with the 6th period. So she has half a half day today. My stomach queeses. My last free day, last day free of them before summer break is now only two hours long. Well, three hours from the time they leave for school. Ugh. I'm not having a good day. Yesterday was a terrific day. Today, not so much.

Though I did get my sewing machine back. And for only $25 it got repaired, cleaned, and oiled. I am halfway through making a posh frock for myself. A dress made of linen. I probably won't work on it today, as it requires concentration and I'm all messed up.

OK, I'll put this on the blog then go make my paperclip chain. ttyl

Thoughts on depression and not being so depressed

So I was talking to Superman this morning while I was painting the firewood rack in our backyard. We were talking about my increased motivation and the lessening of my depression. I said that I'd had brief episodes of feel-good-motivation-to-get-stuff-done (hereafter referred to as "motivation") surrounded by lots of mope-and-not-getting-much-accomplished (hereafter referred to as "depression"). I feel as though I've been depressed for probably 30, maybe 35, of my 52 years. That's total periods of depression interspersed with days/weeks/years of feeling pretty good and motivated, mostly in bursts of days or weeks, not months or years. Superman remembers it a bit differently, that I was motivated more often than depressed until about seven or eight years ago, which would be when Diva and Sproing (who are now 16.5) began to get really difficult, and when Twitch was in the worst of his teen years. Now that the kidlets are in the worst of their teen years (and have been for at least four years) things are still bad. Refer to, oh hell, most of my blog archives, since I started this blog in 2007 when I was already in the dumps.

I painted the firewood rack this morning. I asked Twitch to do it last week and he just never got around to it. He had lots of excuses. Excuses are his speciality. He's a lazy son of a bitch.

Oh, and did I tell you that Manny is back?  We sprung him from the repair shop on Friday, IIRC. $550 for bail, or repairs in this case. Damn. Ron the mechanic said I really need to get this oil leak fixed, too. It's in the lifter area, evidently the gasket on the lifter head leaks. There are other oil leaks, but he says probably 90% of the oil is coming from there. That repair will probably cost at least $400.

Manny's clutch appears to be fine, it was the bracket holding the clutch and brake pedals that broke, causing the clutch to slip badly. This is what Ron the mechanic says. I really don't know much of what I'm talking about. I don't know the difference between a broken clutch and a slipped clutch. I do know that he's shifting just fine now.

And I feel the need for a trip. I'd love to go to western PA again to see Light, but I could be happy with a weekend camping trip in the mountains, perhaps a day driving the Blue Ridge Parkway.

It's late, I'm tired, and all sorts of other things. So goodnight, and I'll see about writing more before too long. I'd like to blog at least once a week rather than the once or twice a month I've managed recently. Motivation, people!!

Powdermilk Biscuits give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.

My new medicine, Abilify, is Powdermilk Biscuits in a little blue pill.

Do you know about Powdermilk Biscuits? Prairie Home Companion, Garrison Keillor, etc. This video is kinda long but the Powdermilk Biscuit slogan is in the first minute. The whole thing is quite good, and I recommend watching it.


I have been so productive recently, much more so than I've been in, I dunno, the last year! I have sewn three shirts, carved a crochet hook out of a 0.75 inch dowel, am in the process of finishing a shelf that I designed and Superman built. I've been busy with said crochet hook. Oh, and I am nearly finished with a needlepoint project I started over 30 years ago.

I have pictures!

 This is the crochet hook and the rag yarn I made from an old sheet. That's another thing I've kept busy with, making rag yarn. I have almost a dozen balls, some of which I've crocheted into a long thing that hopes to be a hammock eventually.

Here are a couple of detail shots of the crochet hook that I made all by myself. As if you can't tell, I'm kinda proud of this thing. Also, detail shots of my cheap kitchen table, but you can ignore that if you want.  

And here are three shirts, two of which I've made recently. The one on the left I made in February or March for this year's bloggerpalooza. I wore it Saturday night. The middle shirt is the piratey shirt I wrote about in the last post. See, Slugmama, it isn't as obnoxious as the Jerry Seinfeld puffy shirt.

The green shirt has frogs on it. It's a batik print with a couple of different froggy things on it. I like it. I have also just finished a shirt that's blue with silhouettes of dinosaurs made of maps on it. Twitch calls it the VelociMaptor shirt. I finished it about an hour ago, and it's in the washing machine now.

I started to repair a pair of shorts after I finished the shirt and my sewing machine broke!!! Dude, I'm using that thing! I'm so glad it waited to break until I finished the shirt, especially the last task for the shirt was putting in button holes. Those are a bitch to do by hand. I know this from experience. The machine is stuck in reverse. There's something wrong with the feed dogs. I'll take it to the shop tomorrow.

And speaking of stuck in reverse and in the shop, Manny.

Manny, my beloved truck, has some clutch problems. No, he's not stuck in reverse, but I had to wrestle the transmission into gear to get it to the shop. I backed up a steep hill to get out of a driveway and the thing went  (pick one), gave off a funky smell, and would barely shift. My buddy Ron the mechanic called yesterday with a preliminary estimate. He's got to fix the first thing that's wrong with it (a bracket under the dash that holds the clutch and brake pedals) before he can even tell if the clutch is bad. That first fix will cost probably at least $400. I told Light yesterday that as old as he's getting (he'll be 25 when the new year models come out later this year) he's going to increase in value from here on out. She said the only thing that will increase his value is an engine fire. I beg to differ!! Then she admitted that yes, Manny is a balm to my weary soul. Her words. Ain't she sweet. 

Today is Thursday. The kids are in school today, tomorrow, and Monday, then half a day Tuesday and Wednesday. Diva only goes half a day now anyway. Yesterday I was sewing along, having a wonderful time, then she got home and the climate in the house took a downturn. It got worse later in the day, too. She's such a bitch. Sproing is behaving much better these days. I can tell he's trying really hard, and it's working! He earned his drivers license recently and in order to drive his dad's truck he has to be very nice, cooperative, respectful, etc. For the most part he's done so. He got to drive the truck to school today, and since Manny is in the shop, I am stuck at home. This doesn't bother me. Except with my Powdermilk Biscuit medicine I am more interested in going out and doing things. Also, we're out of beer and I need to make a beer run. This paragraph has gotten away from me in a drastic way. 

The kids. Will be home all the fucking time after next Wednesday. We are not thrilled about this. Sproing has been applying for jobs, had a couple of interviews recently. Maybe he'll get a job and be at work some of the time. Diva thinks she's going to live in Abbeville with Morq during the week and answer the phones at the auto repair shop where her boyfriend works. NOT. Not after she stayed for two extra days and missed school on Monday two weekends ago. We haven't told her yet. She's gonna bust a gusset. 

We had our first meeting with her probation officer yesterday. Diva was surly and rude, no surprise. She told the officer that she's contacted a lawyer about emancipating from the family, and the officer informed her that she cannot legally emancipate while she's on probation. I refrained from laughing out loud, but I was laughing in my heart believe me. And I laughed when I told Superman about it later. Diva has the opportunity to get off probation early, before her December birthday even, if she obeys her probation requirements each month. She gets a 10 day credit against the term of probation for each month she stays out of trouble. She didn't earn credit the first month. I'll remind her about the opportunity for credit at every chance. HOPEFULLY she'll try to stay on track until she's free of probation. 

I got the application from the fabric store and filled it out. I turned it in on Monday. Haven't heard anything from them yet, but the manager told me they aren't hiring, just accepting applications. Whatever. I'll hang tight for now. 

I owe all of us this post

... not least because it's been a while.

Yes, I am faring better, generally. I'm very glad this new medicine (Abilify) is helping as well as it is, because Shit Happens. Diva shit, again, with a touch of Sproing drama.

It's hard for me to talk about because I'm so sick of it all, so sick of trying to maintain something that looks like sanity when all around me are nuckin' futts.

Let's see if I can zip through this. Last weekend Diva had permission to spend one night with her friend Morq. Friday night only. She got a ride to Morq's house in Abbeville. She said she'd be back Saturday, which indicated to us that she had a way to get home. But she didn't. We didn't hear from her on Saturday, but got a brief text giving us the phone number to her new phone. When we tried to call or text the phone we got no response. She still wasn't home on Monday morning, so after I established that she wasn't at school I called the police. A very nice officer came to the house and we discussed the situation. Between the time I called 911 and him arriving, Diva called. She was mad as hell that we hadn't gone to Abbeville to get her "like you were supposed to." First I'd heard of I-was-supposed-to.

Superman took time off from work to go get her. He lectured her a bit on the way home, so they were both in a foul mood when they got here. Then Superman gave her a chore to perform as punishment (scrape the walls in her room to remove all the extra paint she's put there with her notes and stuff). She went ballistic. "I ain't touching those G++ D~~m walls."  There were a couple of "fuck yous" sprinkled throughout. Then she started throwing stuff against the walls in her room, and throwing herself against the door. She weighs over 200 lbs, and is strong, so that's a mighty force against the door. After she finally calmed down Superman went back to work.

I was hiding in my bedroom. Twitch was doing the same in his room. We both heard her when she loudly said "I'm gonna cut myself." After a bit I wandered into the living room to check. She had my favorite paring knife and was pressing the blade against her arm. Just pressing, and not very hard. She ended up making three scratches that barely broke the skin. I asked her to give me the knife and she refused. Look, y'all, I'm sick of her games, you know? I went back to my room and called 911 again. This time I got three police officers and a two man team of EMS in an ambulance. If the Bitch wants to pull her shit with me I'm gonna call her bluff. The police took her to the emergency department at the hospital. I had to follow to sign forms to allow her to be treated, which I did. Then I left to go to my doctor's appointment. I had to tell my doctor that the new drugs are working pretty well, and oh by the way here's an example of the shit I'm managing.

The hospital psychiatrist kept Diva overnight for observation and evaluation. She got sprung on Tuesday just in time for her appointment with her therapist at the local mental health clinic. Since then she's been all sweetness and light. With her it's a dark light. Shrouded, you might say.

She and I had an interesting conversation this afternoon. She's been researching ways to be independent, to emancipate from the family. I'm all for it. She also has a boyfriend (who gave her a cell phone, so you know it's serious). Today she told me he's 23 years old. You know, I don't care. And I told her that as long as he treats her well I don't have a problem with him being that old. She says they've been talking about rings. What does that mean when she says it? I have no idea. But I volunteered the information that if she gets married she's automatically emancipated. She was shocked, thought I was fooling with her. Nope, it's the truth. Man oh man, wouldn't that be the thing, though? Get her married and out of here. She's 16, will be 17 in early December. Probably time for her to marry. Yep, I like that idea.

This afternoon I got a call from the assistant principal at the high school. Sproing has been suspended for two days. There's only six more full days and two half days until school is out. He's missing the two days before the end of course exams, which if he fails he fails the course. And they'll be doing review for the exams in those two days. It looks like he'll see 10th grade again next year. So will she, if things stay as they are with her grades and attendance records. Whatever. At 17 she's gone, her decision. I don't know about Sproing, though, whether he'll try to bolt at 17 or will wait another year. I haven't decided if I care.

Diva got her Depo shot yesterday - birth control that lasts three months. About six weeks ago she went in for the shot but told the doctor she wanted to take bc pills instead of getting the shot. I said as long as she takes the pills daily as she's supposed to, fine. But she didn't. So she's back on the shot (Phew!). They also ran some tests and she came up positive for chlamydia again. So another big dose of super powerful antibiotics for her. Her gonorrhea test was negative though, so that's good.

Let's change the subject. I'm doing all kinds of projects and shit now. I am in the middle of sewing a piratey shirt. You know, it's a piratey thing.

I finished a unique interpretation of a shirt pattern. I like it. Have I made a new skirt? No, but I need to. There are a few Simplicity patterns I want, dress and/or skirt patterns. Next week Simplicity patterns go on sale at the local Hancock fabric store. $1.99 per. I'm thrilled. :)

Speaking of Hancock fabrics, the local store is accepting applications. I've considered working there for years, and with my Abilify (or whatever is responsible for this new sense of purpose) I think I want to do it now. Superman says I should go for it because it would be good for me. Twitch told me I should so I could get out of the house because I hate it here. Boy, he's got my number, doesn't he? I thought about going over there to fill out the application today, but have decided to sleep on it another day and perhaps go tomorrow. Because I'm scared?? Maybe. I also think it'd be a good idea to sleep on it one more night. And there's a good sale on tomorrow. :-)

Enough for now. There are pictures in my phone that I want to share, but not this time.

I feel better

Still depressed, but not as bad, mostly, I think. Still easily distracted, but I suspect that has everything to do with stress and untreated Attention Deficit Disorder. I'm thinking of talking to the doctor about getting some Ritalin or some such.

My doctor, who is actually a PA but she's fantastic, has added Abilify to my daily medication regimen. I told her perhaps I should stop taking Wellbutrin, but she said let's try adding the Abilify before we subtract anything. OK, whatever. And I think the Abilify is helping. Or maybe my hormones are leveling out this week vs. last week. One never really knows about these things. I don't take my moods too seriously (or try not to) until they've been consistent for a few weeks.

And I have to talk to the MD, not the PA, about getting Ritalin. Because it's a class (whatever) drug, she can't prescribe it. What a pain in the ass.

I have begun organizing my craft/sewing stuff. Oh my gods, it's stressful!! So stressful in fact that I don't want to talk about it yet. Hang tight, maybe it'll show up later in the post.

Hot. We haz it. Well, it isn't too bad yet, but bad enough for me to bitch about it. I keep track of the weather in Burlington, VT just for kicks and giggles. Burlington is much more comfortable now than Greenwood, SC. Of course Burlington was cold as fuck a couple of months ago, but right now I don't seem to care.  It wasn't nearly cold enough here.

I planted some flowers yesterday. Some petunias in a container and a pretty multicolored Lantana in the bed beside the front door. I also put a salmon colored Geranium in a container on the front stoop. I have Morning Glory seeds soaking in water now to plant later this afternoon (probably) when the temps cool off a bit. I need Twitch to attack behind the fence garden with the tiller. It's maybe a 12 foot strip and I only need one or two tiller widths of soil for these plantings. I'm gonna plant Morning Glory and a selection of Sunflowers. We are excited about this. Well, as excited as it gets around here. That frankly isn't very excited, but what the fuck. Oh, also some of those summer flowers you see everywhere, yellow and orange, what's the name? I hate when this happens.... not Magnolia, (that's a tree). They smell kinda funky and are supposed to help keep critters out of gardens. Damn, what's the name of that flower? Ach! I have to go look it up. Hang on... MARIGOLD!! That's it. I knew it started with an "m".

And since I had to get off my ass to look at the seed packet, I got myself a bowl of chocolate ice cream. It's a bad habit I have fallen into recently. I get the low fat chocolate ice cream in a big tub from Wal-Mart. I put a few scoops in a bowl and add a little bit of skim milk, then let it sit for a minute or so. The milk freezes around the ice cream and makes lovely little icy crunchy bits. Then I add powdered malt mix and extra dark cocoa (Hershey's now sells the stuff. It's wicked good!) and stir it well. It's dark and smooth and crunchy and strong. I told my PA about it and she thinks it sounds horrible. So I call it my cruel chocolate. I also make a chocolate pudding (super easy, microwave and 5 ingredients, takes about 5 minutes) with the dark cocoa that is intense. I use less sugar and more cocoa than the recipe calls for, so it's deep dark and not too sweet. Cruel chocolate, my favorite. Kinda like cruel shoes re: Steve Martin, but tastier and less painful.

So let's talk about the kiddies. They are both now on probation, each for 9 months. Sproing started his probation a couple of months before Diva did, but Diva will probably qualify to get off early. She keeps her nose clean and doesn't violate any conditions of her probation and earns a few days off for every month she behaves. Sproing has the same deal, but can't seem to stay out of trouble. It's mostly minor trouble, but trouble enough for violation of probation. Sproing has a community service obligation which he started serving in the community garden in the Latino community. The gal who runs the garden is an old friend of mine, a gal we met at church when we lived in Easley, SC when Light was a toddler. So, yeah, I've known her and her husband for probably 22 years. Damn! That's a long time. She's super nice, and very churchy. I'm not churchy anymore. I don't know how much she knows about how much I've changed. Wait, this paragraph has gotten off topic. Let's start another.

Back to the kiddos. I had to take Diva to school this morning. Superman usually does it, but he had to be at work before 6 this morning, so I took care of it. Thing is, I forgot she needs to be awakened. She shouldn't need anyone to wake her up. She's fuckin' 16 years old now, and wants to be independent and live on her own. Well, she's gonna have to wake her lazy ass up herself to be independent. I got up at 7:30 we could leave at 7:45. She was still asleep. She wasn't late for school (starts at 8:30) but not by much.

Diva has arranged for a job for herself in Abbeville over the summer. Abbeville is about half an hour west of here. I don't know how sure this job is, it's at an auto repair shop where her friend Morq works. Don't know why an auto repair shop. Sounds more like something Sproing would do. She says she'll be answering phones or something. Anyway, we aren't going to provide transportation to and from Abbeville every day. That's a hell of a lot of gas that we can't afford, and she won't make enough money to cover gas either. She doesn't realize this. She thinks "I'll be making money, so I can afford it." But how much money, dear? "I dunno." Oy. Anyway, so she wants to stay with Morq during the week, coming home on Friday and returning to Abbeville on Sunday night. Superman thinks this is an OK idea. I'm on the fence, leaning toward letting her do it. For one thing, that will be one less Diva in my house! Hurrah! Also it will give her a taste of this independence she thinks she wants. She and Morq want to get an apartment together to move away from family. Morq is the girl with a baby. Diva says they'll get a 3 bedroom apt so the baby can have her own room and she and Morq will also have their own rooms. What kind of 3 bedroom apt can they afford? Though they could probably qualify for Section 8 housing. Morq could, anyway. Diva is still a dependent minor which I think kills the deal for her. I dunno. Don't really care, either. I find myself caring less and less. This is probably a good thing, really.

Let's try to revisit the cleaning/organizing issue. As I've mentioned in the past, I have hoarding issues. There is this thing they now call hoarding disorder. Dr. Spo, do you know about this thing? I haven't been diagnosed by anyone but myself (and I'm about half qualified to do so) but have done a little bit of research on the topic. Anyway, cleaning, organizing, and especially throwing things away is extraordinarily stressful. I worked on my office/craft room for about 45 minutes today. For some that may seem like not a long time. For me, it was. And I'm OK with it. I'll probably work on it again in the afternoon or evening for another little while. I'm actually proud that I can work on that shit for half an hour or so and NOT beat myself up for being such a wimp and not working for three hours, five hours, or until it's done. Gad, that would send me into the spaz zone.

And now I have written a long-overdue blog post in addition to working on my office/craft room and processed a load of laundry. So I'm going to reward myself with a bit of a nap, I think.

Spring Break!

See that exclamation mark in the title? I don't really mean it.

I have the depression monster sitting on my head today. Eh, whatever. I'm used to it. I don't even want to be not depressed, necessarily. I know how to do this depression thing. It's comfortable. Sort of. And everything around me (except Superman) triggers my depression. So I might as well embrace it.

So, Spring Break. Easter, as you probably know, was this past Sunday. We didn't do a thing toward celebrating it. Why bother? I don't believe in so much of what the Christian churches teach, so whatever. I did, however, buy myself a small chocolate bunny on clearance at the grocery store on Monday. So yay, happy Easter.

Being Easter and all, the schools are out. No school last Friday, and no school all this week. You know what that means. Kids here all day. Or in and out all day, with me concerned about what kind of trouble they're getting into if they aren't here. Sort of. Mostly, I'm trying not to care what they do. The depression is helping with the Not Caring thing. Spring Break also signals the impending school summer break, which lasts a painfully long time. Only about five weeks now until school's out for almost three months. Plus, it's hot here. Or it will be then. Actually right now the temps are not too bad. Warm, but not terrible.

The pollen is pretty bad, but if I stay inside I'm OK. I don't want to get out of the house anyway. Unfortunately there are things I must do. My allergies are better than they were a couple of weeks ago, so that's good. And we've had a fair amount of rain which helps wash the pollen out of the air.

A couple of things about Diva:
First the good news. Yes! There is good news! Last week was the 31st anniversary of our wedding. Superman and I eloped in March of '83 a month before the planned wedding. Then we did the public wedding thing to make our parents happy in April. We usually celebrate the March date, but Diva got wind of the April anniversary and made dinner for us. It was really sweet. She made a small cake with fruit compote topping, broiled some whitefish and dished up some carrots and applesauce for us. It was quite nice of her and I thanked her and hugged her and everything. Also, she makes really good cakes. I suspect her daddy helped with the fish. It was cooked just right. All in all a good evening. So score 1 for Diva.

Yesterday she had her intake interview with Department of Juvenile Justice (DJJ). That fight she had at school in January resulted in a criminal charge of public disturbance or something. I can't remember exactly what the charge is. So DJJ needs demographic information and assorted other crap for their files. So we did that. She was surly. I survived.

In the process of the interview she mentioned that she was still upset about an incident of molestation she experienced last year. I may have mentioned it then. It happened March a year ago. Superman and I were of course concerned about the molestation and have done what we can to help her. She's been to the local sexual abuse counseling place for some services (forensic interview, physical exam, STD testing) but refused any counseling at the time and when offered since then. Until yesterday. She told the DJJ agent when he asked that yes, she does need to talk to someone about the trauma. OK, backing up a week or two, she came to me all in a dither one Saturday recently. She'd been in serious trouble for some now-forgotten offense and was undoubtedly grounded. She started out crying about some other wrong that had been done unto her, then segued into this lament about how traumatized she is by the molestation incident.

I do not mean to minimize the impact of her being molested. It was an invasion of her very being. She was spending the night with a friend, and the ex-boyfriend of the girl's mother came into the room where they were sleeping and fondled her. She told the friend's mother the next morning, mother called the police, Diva was taken to the hospital for whatever it is they do in those cases. We followed up with the police detective who was on the case, with the sexual trauma center, and everything else we were supposed to do. We were sympathetic and concerned about her, as much as I can be sympathetic to her in light of all the abuse she has heaped on me. I really do care.

Anyway, that recent Saturday she complained bitterly that I hadn't done anything, or didn't care, or something about how upset she still is because of the sexual abuse. Just a few days prior to this someone from the sexual trauma center called to check up on Diva, see how she was doing. I was sitting with Diva at the time, and asked her, told her who was on the phone, etc. She said she was fine. So here it is Saturday and she tells me she has flashbacks, can't sleep at night, is afraid this guy is peeking in her window every night. This is all news to me. She hasn't said one word about it for months and months. I asked if she'd like to talk to someone to help her deal with her feelings and she said yes. So the following Monday I called the sexual trauma center to set up an appointment for her. The woman I needed to talk to was at lunch, I left a message, she never got back to me. I didn't follow through. Then this week Diva tells the DJJ agent that she needs to talk to someone about the abuse. I told him what I'd done and that I hadn't followed up, he told me to follow up. Yes sir, I certainly will.

I think it's impossible for me to be brief in telling a story. Sorry about that, y'all.

After we left the DJJ office in the courthouse downtown I drove directly (through the pollen) to the sexual trauma center, a mile or so south of downtown. I figured that showing up at this place, since I was already out anyway, was easier than me remembering to call back. Well, now Diva refuses to get out of the truck to come in and talk to someone. I went in, explained the situation, and after a few minutes a very nice young woman came out, willing to talk to Diva. Also, see, Diva is in regular counseling with a therapist at the local Dept. of Mental Health office. Has been for years. I mentioned this to the nice young woman who said it would be best for Diva to discuss these things with the therapist with whom she already has a good working relationship. I said "Makes sense to me. Don't know why she hasn't." But Nice Young Woman was willing to talk to Diva if she'd come in. So I went back out to the truck and Diva still refused to budge. So I went back in, thanked the Nice Young Woman, and took Diva home. Because shit. You know?

And I strongly suspect Diva is just jerking my chain. She's being manipulative. Perhaps she is traumatized by the molestation, I don't know, but I really think she throws it in my face to distract me from her other misdeeds. I have done what I can for her. I'm willing to get her the help she needs to the best of  my knowledge and ability. She, in typical Diva style, refuses to cooperate with me.

When I got home I called her therapist at the dept. of mental health, told her about the events of the day. I asked if she and Diva had worked through any of this sexual abuse trauma Diva claims to suffer. Therapist didn't remember Diva having been abused. I thought we'd told her, was sure we had, and she said, "Yes, I vaguely remember now." Therapist said she worked for four years at the sexual trauma center before taking the position she has now with Mental Health. I laughed. Because, of course. Nice Young Woman told me that Therapist was trained in exactly the same kind of therapy they use at the trauma center, and would do exactly the same thing they'd do there.

Diva has an appointment to see her Mental Health therapist next Tuesday. We shall see what we shall see.

Oh, back to the whole Spring Break and everyone's home thing. Diva Darling posted a threatening video on Facebork attacking the same girl she fought with last January. (This is related, trust me.) The police are involved with that, too. I got a call, again, from the assistant principal. We've come to know each other well this year. Gosh, that happened over a week ago I think. It took a while for consequences to hit because the Individual Education Plan (IEP) team had to meet to determine if Diva's behavior in this case is due to her clinical diagnoses before the assistant principal could hand down the punishment. We, the IEP team, decided that, no, Diva's threatening video was not related to her clinical diagnoses. Therefore Diva gets suspended for four days. Remember I said the kids were out on Friday? We had this IEP meeting last Wednesday, so Thursday was Diva's first day of suspension. The following three days of suspension occur Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of next week when school in once again in session. Fuck My Life. She gets an extra long Spring Break. She did the same thing before Christmas, got I can't remember how many days suspension just before the Christmas break to make it an extra long vacation for her. I feel so fucked over. To add insult to injury (if that's what this is) Sproing got suspended for three days the week before last, and he was at home last Monday and Tuesday, back in school Wednesday and Thursday, then off again now. At least he goes back to school next Monday.

And this is a preview of our summer break. Kids home and arguing with me and each other 'round the clock. I feel stressed.

In other news, Sproing took an all-day driving class two weekends ago, and has the practical driving part of the class this week, this afternoon and tomorrow afternoon. He has already scheduled a time with the DMV to take his driving test for his license. The boy wants to DRIVE! Sounds like more opportunity to get in trouble to me, but whatever. He is a good driver. He's young and stupid, though (age 16) and I fear he will wreck the car. Superman needs to up the insurance coverage before the kid does any driving. I need to ask him about that.

All of the kids (Twitch included) need to find jobs. The kidlets for the summer and Twitch for permanent. Mostly he mopes around the house. He'll go out looking for work a couple of days a week maybe, but he spends a lot of time at home moping. Talk about depressing. He says he wants to get a job so he can move out of this house, away from his siblings. Well, then, Twitch, get off your lazy ass, get out there and WORK, dammit!!

I have no energy to confront any of them about any of this. I hide in my room reading (mostly) gay romances all day. It's light reading, doesn't require much brain work. No, this isn't healthy. Right now I don't much care. In related news, I see my therapist on Thursday. We will discuss my coping strategies and probably come to no conclusion.

Superman got himself a new computer and a new tablet recently. They're cool. I've used the tablet a few times. It's good for cruising the 'net, I suppose, but I much prefer a keyboard to write anything. His computer works so well! Turn it on and -ta da!- it's on. Mine takes about half an hour to boot up completely so I can surf the web without it freezing up on me. Most of the time. My computer is six, maybe seven years old now. Vista was the great new thing when I got it. I upgraded to Windows 7 and got myself a few more Gigs of RAM (or something) when Windows 7 came out. Now that Superman has a new computer, though, mine looks less and less appealing.

That's all I have today. Sorry most of it is so morose. And long-winded.

Yeah, whatever

I'm back. Did you miss me? That was a rhetorical question to which I don't really want an answer.

I haven't turned on my computer in almost two weeks. I've done a little bit of Facebork browsing on my smart (sic) phone. My phone is old and stupid (for a smart phone) and won't give me much. I can "like" a post, comment on posts sometimes, but not much else. Aside from that, I haven't been online.

I have, however, been thinking about lots of my online friends. Hi guys! Not doing much about it, but thinking of you fondly.

Depressed. Oh, and pollen. I didn't even stand near the opened door for five days last week, the pollen was so bad. It's still pretty heavy, but not as bad as it was even earlier this week. I was out yesterday, took Diva to her therapist, and had to shower when I got home to get rid of the pollen. I was out earlier this morning, going to the high school, and haven't even had to washed my face and I'm OK.

I was called to the principal's office. Diva again. Remember the fight she got into a few weeks (months?) ago? She's still fighting with the girl, but not with fists. She posted a vulgar tirade online attacking the other girl, and I was called in today to a conference with the school resource officer and the principal and Diva about it. Posting vulgar tirades against someone is technically illegal. Not sure I knew that, but whatever. The other girl's mother doesn't want to press charges now as long as this shit ends. Diva sat through the meeting with a scowl on her face. If Diva does this shit again the charge will be harsher, something about a pattern of behavior and harassment. I wish the other mother would press charges. Maybe I can talk to the resource officer (he's a sergeant with the Sheriff's dept.) to encourage the other mom to press charges. But if she is charged, the offense will be added to her list of charges and we'll wait for-fucking-ever to go to court and my life with suck until then. And probably after, because shit.

I'm so fucking depressed. I hate my home life. I hate my house. I resent our pets. I am pissed as hell that I feel like I have to hide in my room to avoid the hellishness of my children.

Nothing works. No amount of talking to the kids, punishing them, encouraging them, doing things for them, ignoring them,  not anything works. She has charges pending against her and jack shit is happening about that. Oh, we do have an "intake interview" for her in two weeks at Department of Juvenile Justice (DJJ). We've done this before. It's filling out forms, answering the same questions over and over because these forms don't coordinate with each other to share information. Name, age, birth date, address, social security number, etc. over and over again. Probably some other questions, too, but I can't now remember. Maybe I'll post about it after the meeting, but probably not. Back to the point: DJJ will gather all this redundant information and sit on it for months. In the meantime, she'll be a pain in my ass. My therapist says this is "learned helplessness," this sense that there's no point in doing anything because nothing will change.

She ran away last month, for a weekend. She says it wasn't running away, she just left without telling us she was leaving or where she was going. Et cetera. The point: the police officer told us that when she's 17 they can't make her come home. She'll be 17 on the 4th of December. It can't come soon enough for any of us, parents and child(ren) included.

Chocolate and sex are the only things that give me pleasure these days.

Did I tell you the doctor has increased my antidepressant meds? I may have said that already in a previous post. Don't know if it helps. What will really help is changing things in my life that depress and stress me. Nothing we've done has helped. I feel like my life is in a sick holding pattern for now until the children move out. Or at least that particular girl child. The old boy needs to go, too. He's home, pretending to look for a job but mostly sitting on his lazy ass. I nag, but nagging makes me sick. I'm too depressed to fight.

And I feel like this is the only thing I ever write about here on this blog anymore. I'm bored of it all.

"All the pretty girls get cut in half while the sad clowns make us laugh."


OK, a couple of positives: I have been cleaning and decluttering a little bit. Not a bunch, but a little bit. And that's good. I got myself a new CD of The Plain White T's, the above song is on the album. The whole album has catchy songs on it. Do I like it? Dunno, but they're catchy tunes.

And baseball season started! Go Braves! It's not much, but it helps.

And I got my hair cut. Really short. Half inch all over. It looks ridiculous. Kinda reminds me of the crew cuts my Daddy used to give my brothers when they were 2-6 years old. And I don't give a flying fuck, except when I do.

Random shit

I've decided to be Pete. I decided that on the way to the jailhouse to see Sproing this morning. I thought about lots of things on the drive (1.5 hours) to see Sproing. It was a lovely morning. So, this Pete thing: Pete, but not instead of Java. Still Java, but Pete if/when I'm a guy. My parents were going to name me Robert because Robert Burns' birthday was my due date. (Different year) I was born a couple of days earlier, and son of a gun, I was a daughter. That saved me from the fate of Robert. Not that there's anything wrong with Robert. I've known some very nice Roberts. I don't like the name for me, though.

Signs of aging:

• I mostly drink decaf coffee because too much caffeine does odd things to my nerves and my heart.
• My nose hairs are turning gray. 
• I can make dot-to-dot pictures with the age spots on my arms and back of my hands. 

I practiced my southern accent in the truck on the way to the jailhouse. It's a random sort of accent, not associated with any one particular location. I think. I learned a few East Tennessee-isms from my father-in-law. "Lord, help!" for example. I don't know how to spell it so reads like it sounds, but the whole thing is said with exasperation. The kiddie jail is in Union, SC. That'd be "yooon-yun" with an extra long yoooo and a flat u in -yun. 

Superman is away for the weekend. I was away for a week,and I'm back now. Hi, y'all! Had a great time at the Bloggerpalooza. Superman went to his folks' place to celebrate his aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary. That'll happen Sunday afternoon, as those things do in The South(TM). He'll come home Monday. Then Sproing comes home from jail on Tuesday. Yeah, we thought he'd be in custody for 60 days, but the DJJ office in our county messed up his paperwork. I'm mostly glad he gets to come home. He probably doesn't need to be there. Diva, on the other hand, should be in DJJ custody. Or someone else's custody besides mine. Someone responsible, not her "grown" 18 year old friend. I don't want to talk about it. 

When I don't post for a while, that probably means I'm depressed. That's why I didn't post earlier in the week. I had a great trip, lots of fun driving and seeing people I like. I was happy. Then I had to come home, and damn, y'all, my home life is shit, Superman excepted. Today I took another drive. To the jailhouse, sure, but on the way home I took a detour. I wanted to see where this highway intersects a highway coming back toward Greenwood. I saw some lovely things and some depressing things. There sure are a lot of trailer houses in rural South Carolina. And a lot of them are really ugly. 

I'm coming down with some kind of lung crud. Haven't had bronchitis in a long time, but that's probably what this is. It's in the annoying stage now, when I have a slight cough, my chest feels heavy, and my throat is a bit rough. However, my throat could feel rough because of all the drive-singing I did recently. Including today. I belted out loud songs to which I know not the lyrics. Things can get funny that way. 

Tuesday March 25th is the first anniversary of my Daddy's death. I'm OK, I think. Death happens, he was sick (sicker than we thought he was), he didn't linger and wasn't in too much pain for very long. I miss him. I feel bad for my step-mom who is alone now. We'll see what the 25th brings. That's the day we have to drive back to Union to get Sproing. Yeah, we have to pick him up; no delivery like he had last time. So I'll be busy, which is probably good. Don't know yet if Superman will be available to go with me to get the boy. 

I bemoan my traitorous heart. I have a crush* on another guy. It's not a big or painful crush; easy to ignore. But I dreamed about him last night. And Superman is away, not here to distract me. This guy is totally inappropriate for me. I mean, absolutely. For one thing, he's younger (by a year or two) than Twitch. He is an adult, but not "grown" in the way Diva thinks anyone who turns 18 is automatically mature and responsible. Actually this guy is pretty irresponsible. He shows addictive tendencies. Spent six months in jail last year on drug charges. But oh, my, is he cute!! He's beautiful. Tall, thin but not too thin, brown hair, sweet smile, and friendly to talk to. I really don't know him very well. He might be a total ass. But he's lovely to look at. 

I was going to talk about the weather not doing what "they" predicted, but I see that it is now sunny just like the forecast said. It was overcast at midday. Now at 5-ish the sun is back out. I like the sun, as long as it's effects are mitigated by cooler temperatures. Yeah, I'm picky. 

*"Crush" might be too strong a word, actually. Visual appreciation might serve better. 

Happy things!

Greetings from Delaware! Yes, I am at the Bloggerpalooza II, 2014, and having a mostly marvelous time. It would be most marvelous if Superman could be here with me. Alas, we have these parental responsibilities that must be met, so Superman is at home with the naughty girl. I'm going to concentrate on the positives here, though.

It's great to see my blogger friends again. There are a few missing, and sorely missed. But there are also a few new folks here this year. I got to meet Sluggy, a.k.a. slugmama. She's a delight. I also met Pat, a friend of Ron's, and the Travel Penguin whom I'd never even heard of. Travel Penguin and his husband Jay came for tonight's (Saturday) banquet. A good time was had by all.

Alas, it is late. I am tired. There is much to do tomorrow, so I'll post a few pictures of tonight's festivities before I go to bed.

The cocktail bar area, pre-banquet

 The distribution of prizes

 Everyone besides those taking pictures are paying rapt attention.

Stuff, some of it disturbing

I am with Light now in Pennsylvania. It's good to be here, good to see her. We'll go see her art exhibit tomorrow evening... in the snow, evidently. Right now it's sunny and pretty here, but it's supposed to get very cold and wet, beginning with rain in the early hours tomorrow, but staying above freezing  most of the day. By night, though, it's supposed to change to snow. Then I leave the day after, in ice and snow it looks like. I'll be driving to the Bloggerpalooza in Lewes, DE on Thursday. Looks like I'll need to add a couple of hours to my drive time for this weather. I think this is the system the Weather Channel is calling Vulcan. OK, just looked at the report and this part of PA will only get light snow. But what about the water that falls before the freeze? East of here, and into DE won't be affected, snow-wise, so maybe it'll be OK.

And I'm super-duper looking forward to the Bloggerpalooza, even though the man who SHOULD be with me is back at home dealing with shit. I'll get to that in a minute. He and I are both really pissed that he could not come this time.

So, the shit at home concerns Sproing this time. He had his follow-up court appearance today, his chance before the judge after spending a few weeks (5, I think it was) in the evaluation center, what I like to call "jail lite." The DJJ office and the attorney recommended that he be put on probation, with the understanding that if he violated probation at all he'd be put back into DJJ custody for the remainder of his term. But no, not this judge. As Superman said, he got the hangin' judge today. She sent his ass to jail for 9 months. I am upset. Superman is upset. Sproing is beside himself. Superman said he was crying when they took him away. He'll be back at the eval center for a few weeks (60 days, but probably less) then be put into "placement." Don't know what placement means. The nice lady from DJJ said that could mean anything from foster care to group home to "I'd like to vacation here." So we'll see. He'll be subject to random drug tests, be enrolled in whatever school is available where he's placed, and maybe some other stuff but I can't remember what else Superman read to me.

Sproing has been doing so much better recently. He definitely learned that he doesn't want to go back to jail after his first stint in the jail lite. I really hope he doesn't become bitter and harder from this. It might work to his advantage, you know. He might learn a very valuable lesson and become a better person, etc. I can hope.

Why don't they do this with Diva?? She's the one who really needs to get the hell out of the home. She has some charges pending, but no news yet on when she'll go to court. I hope she gets this same judge, though. I'd love for her to be sent away. Maybe something like this would improve her attitude, too.

Anyway, I'm pretty upset about Sproing being sent away. And I'm upset about Diva still being at home. Actually, right  now I'm just kinda upset. Think I'll go sew for a while, listen to some happy music, and try to chill.

P.S. I had a fantastic road trip yesterday. Left home at 4 a.m. and drove for about 13 hours to get to Light's place. Had a really good trip, listened to some awesome music, didn't use a map or directions or anything and got here MAKING NO WRONG TURNS AT ALL!!!! I'm particularly proud of that. I will need directions to Lewes, though, because I don't know how to get there from here. The directions are printed out and attached to an official looking clipboard in my truck. I'll let you know how it goes.

One of these days I'll write something happy

Next weekend is the second annual Bloggerpalooza. I'll be there. We had a grand time last year, and I am looking forward to meeting old friends and new. Unfortunately Superman will not be with me. Remember all the crap that Diva has done recently? We can't leave her with Twitch. He's not able to deal with her, and she would take advantage of him so fast. Both Superman and I are super pissed off about this.

We had such a good time last year getting away together. It's the first time in ... no, it was the second time in a very very long time that Superman and I were able to get away together, just the two of us. The first time was the summer before, 2012, when I wrecked the little Aveo in West Virginia. He drove up to bring me home and we spent one night there in Lewisburg, WV together. We had a wonderful time, even though I'd wrecked the car. I think we hadn't been away together just the two of us since before we adopted Sproing back in 1998. How fucked up is that? Then last March we spent a fantastic four days together, then my Daddy died (the Monday after the Bloggerpalooza weekend) and we went together to Gainesville, FL to be with the family and deal with that shit. Technically that was time away together, but because it piggy-backed the Bloggerpalooza and was because of my Daddy's death, it doesn't count. I mean, really. This past year has been hell thanks primarily to Sproing and Diva, and we could use some time together.

On the positive side, I'll be able to see Light. I'm leaving early Monday to go to Pennsylvania to spend a couple of days with Light and see her art show. I'll drive to Delaware on Thursday for the festivities there.

Let's talk about music. I'm not a huge music fan like lots of people I know. I like a variety of genres. I'm particularly fond of classical music, most kinds. Some of the avant garde dissonant stuff doesn't do it for me, but otherwise I like classical music. There are some country songs/artists I like (Kenny Chesney comes immediately to mind). I like soft jazz, piano jazz, but in general jazz isn't one of my favorite genres. It's hit or miss with contemporary pop songs. I like a lot of pop and rock from the 60s and 70s when I was growing up. There are very few hip-hop or rap songs I like, but there are some. My CD collection includes a random handful of classical stuff, my most recent favorite being the complete collection of Beethoven symphonies. When I was in my country music phase I collected a bunch of CDs. Some of them I still like, some I don't. I should get rid of some of that stuff I don't really like.

The majority of my CD collection, however, is oldies. Stuff I grew up loving. The CDs of vinyl albums we had when I was a kid. When they package those CDs they include my baggage. If I hear the song on the radio, I think "I remember that song! I loved that song." In a fit of reminiscence I buy the CD. Then I play it and all the baggage comes falling out and I can't listen to the songs without wallowing. I should get rid of those, too, I suppose. I've decided that I need to get some new stuff that I like. One recent acquisition is Jason Mraz. I really like most of his stuff. He's got a positive energy I find helpful. I've also recently become enamored of Peter Bradley Adams. This is the song that caught my attention. Think I'll get one of his CDs.

He's lyrical and melodic, has good harmonies and simple instrumentals. I hear some James Taylor influences. James Taylor is one of my old time favorites that I can listen to without pain. Oh, I also recently got a Jackson Browne CD (Late for the Sky) that I'm getting to know. Most of the songs on that album are new or not very familiar to me.

Enough of that. Now I'm figuring out my route from here to PA, then to Lewes, DE, and back home. I need to break up the trip home and I'll stay with one of my cousins in Virginia, either the one in Virginia Beach or her sister in Richmond. I've stayed in Richmond the past few times I've needed a layover. I'd like to see the VA Beach cousin, but she is a teacher and has work on Monday, so Sunday night is a school night (the night I'll be staying over) and that might mess up her schedule. I dunno. I need to decide, I need to make plans.

OK, I've been working on this post since late morning. It's nearing 9:00 now, so I'm gonna post this sucker. And speaking of 9:00, change your clocks. Daylight Saving Time returns overnight.