I feel better

Still depressed, but not as bad, mostly, I think. Still easily distracted, but I suspect that has everything to do with stress and untreated Attention Deficit Disorder. I'm thinking of talking to the doctor about getting some Ritalin or some such.

My doctor, who is actually a PA but she's fantastic, has added Abilify to my daily medication regimen. I told her perhaps I should stop taking Wellbutrin, but she said let's try adding the Abilify before we subtract anything. OK, whatever. And I think the Abilify is helping. Or maybe my hormones are leveling out this week vs. last week. One never really knows about these things. I don't take my moods too seriously (or try not to) until they've been consistent for a few weeks.

And I have to talk to the MD, not the PA, about getting Ritalin. Because it's a class (whatever) drug, she can't prescribe it. What a pain in the ass.

I have begun organizing my craft/sewing stuff. Oh my gods, it's stressful!! So stressful in fact that I don't want to talk about it yet. Hang tight, maybe it'll show up later in the post.

Hot. We haz it. Well, it isn't too bad yet, but bad enough for me to bitch about it. I keep track of the weather in Burlington, VT just for kicks and giggles. Burlington is much more comfortable now than Greenwood, SC. Of course Burlington was cold as fuck a couple of months ago, but right now I don't seem to care.  It wasn't nearly cold enough here.

I planted some flowers yesterday. Some petunias in a container and a pretty multicolored Lantana in the bed beside the front door. I also put a salmon colored Geranium in a container on the front stoop. I have Morning Glory seeds soaking in water now to plant later this afternoon (probably) when the temps cool off a bit. I need Twitch to attack behind the fence garden with the tiller. It's maybe a 12 foot strip and I only need one or two tiller widths of soil for these plantings. I'm gonna plant Morning Glory and a selection of Sunflowers. We are excited about this. Well, as excited as it gets around here. That frankly isn't very excited, but what the fuck. Oh, also some of those summer flowers you see everywhere, yellow and orange, what's the name? I hate when this happens.... not Magnolia, (that's a tree). They smell kinda funky and are supposed to help keep critters out of gardens. Damn, what's the name of that flower? Ach! I have to go look it up. Hang on... MARIGOLD!! That's it. I knew it started with an "m".

And since I had to get off my ass to look at the seed packet, I got myself a bowl of chocolate ice cream. It's a bad habit I have fallen into recently. I get the low fat chocolate ice cream in a big tub from Wal-Mart. I put a few scoops in a bowl and add a little bit of skim milk, then let it sit for a minute or so. The milk freezes around the ice cream and makes lovely little icy crunchy bits. Then I add powdered malt mix and extra dark cocoa (Hershey's now sells the stuff. It's wicked good!) and stir it well. It's dark and smooth and crunchy and strong. I told my PA about it and she thinks it sounds horrible. So I call it my cruel chocolate. I also make a chocolate pudding (super easy, microwave and 5 ingredients, takes about 5 minutes) with the dark cocoa that is intense. I use less sugar and more cocoa than the recipe calls for, so it's deep dark and not too sweet. Cruel chocolate, my favorite. Kinda like cruel shoes re: Steve Martin, but tastier and less painful.

So let's talk about the kiddies. They are both now on probation, each for 9 months. Sproing started his probation a couple of months before Diva did, but Diva will probably qualify to get off early. She keeps her nose clean and doesn't violate any conditions of her probation and earns a few days off for every month she behaves. Sproing has the same deal, but can't seem to stay out of trouble. It's mostly minor trouble, but trouble enough for violation of probation. Sproing has a community service obligation which he started serving in the community garden in the Latino community. The gal who runs the garden is an old friend of mine, a gal we met at church when we lived in Easley, SC when Light was a toddler. So, yeah, I've known her and her husband for probably 22 years. Damn! That's a long time. She's super nice, and very churchy. I'm not churchy anymore. I don't know how much she knows about how much I've changed. Wait, this paragraph has gotten off topic. Let's start another.

Back to the kiddos. I had to take Diva to school this morning. Superman usually does it, but he had to be at work before 6 this morning, so I took care of it. Thing is, I forgot she needs to be awakened. She shouldn't need anyone to wake her up. She's fuckin' 16 years old now, and wants to be independent and live on her own. Well, she's gonna have to wake her lazy ass up herself to be independent. I got up at 7:30 we could leave at 7:45. She was still asleep. She wasn't late for school (starts at 8:30) but not by much.

Diva has arranged for a job for herself in Abbeville over the summer. Abbeville is about half an hour west of here. I don't know how sure this job is, it's at an auto repair shop where her friend Morq works. Don't know why an auto repair shop. Sounds more like something Sproing would do. She says she'll be answering phones or something. Anyway, we aren't going to provide transportation to and from Abbeville every day. That's a hell of a lot of gas that we can't afford, and she won't make enough money to cover gas either. She doesn't realize this. She thinks "I'll be making money, so I can afford it." But how much money, dear? "I dunno." Oy. Anyway, so she wants to stay with Morq during the week, coming home on Friday and returning to Abbeville on Sunday night. Superman thinks this is an OK idea. I'm on the fence, leaning toward letting her do it. For one thing, that will be one less Diva in my house! Hurrah! Also it will give her a taste of this independence she thinks she wants. She and Morq want to get an apartment together to move away from family. Morq is the girl with a baby. Diva says they'll get a 3 bedroom apt so the baby can have her own room and she and Morq will also have their own rooms. What kind of 3 bedroom apt can they afford? Though they could probably qualify for Section 8 housing. Morq could, anyway. Diva is still a dependent minor which I think kills the deal for her. I dunno. Don't really care, either. I find myself caring less and less. This is probably a good thing, really.

Let's try to revisit the cleaning/organizing issue. As I've mentioned in the past, I have hoarding issues. There is this thing they now call hoarding disorder. Dr. Spo, do you know about this thing? I haven't been diagnosed by anyone but myself (and I'm about half qualified to do so) but have done a little bit of research on the topic. Anyway, cleaning, organizing, and especially throwing things away is extraordinarily stressful. I worked on my office/craft room for about 45 minutes today. For some that may seem like not a long time. For me, it was. And I'm OK with it. I'll probably work on it again in the afternoon or evening for another little while. I'm actually proud that I can work on that shit for half an hour or so and NOT beat myself up for being such a wimp and not working for three hours, five hours, or until it's done. Gad, that would send me into the spaz zone.

And now I have written a long-overdue blog post in addition to working on my office/craft room and processed a load of laundry. So I'm going to reward myself with a bit of a nap, I think.

Brief Diva Update

I hope it's brief. You know me and brief. Parsimony isn't my greatest gift, especially where words are concerned.

So, Diva is indeed back. She was kicked out of the friend's house for bring to much drama into the home, and for lying about what we did. She went back there today, uninvited (she was supposed to stay away from their home all weekend as no one was going to be there to care for her in the evenings). She told the mother that I had kicked her out. That isn't the whole truth. I refused to treat her like a queen, to give her whatever she desires, so she stormed out. Honestly, I can't remember the exact details of that particular argument, and it happened roughly 12 hours ago. My brain sometimes forgets things it doesn't like.

So the child has had to return to this home which she doesn't consider her home. She fussed a bit, I ignored her and took a nap, and when I woke up she was behaving reasonably. She was also headed for bed. I'm here now, online and awake, sitting in my living room at 3 a.m. just in case. She's asleep now, and will probably sleep until 10:00 if we don't wake her up first. But as mad as she was this afternoon, I wouldn't put it past her to get up while everyone else is sleeping and do something she shouldn't. Like seek revenge against us, her parents, who are so totally unreasonable because we don't let her do whatever she wants to do.

The child ain't right in the head.

Hopefully on Monday she will be able to move to a girls' school/group home we've applied to. Don't know now, won't know until Monday. She needs to get out of here soon. She wants to, we want her to.

Same $h!t, different day

I use this space to journal my experiences* with my crazy children. To keep a log, so to speak, of what and when, etc. But not why. I've determined that more often than not there is no "why."

Today it's Diva. She wants to have the privileges of a normal child, but. But she's batshit crazy; but she has demonstrated repeatedly that she isn't mature enough to handle the responsibility; but she can't be trusted to control her behavior especially when she feels threatened. And she is super-sensitive and easy to provoke by the vaguest hint of a slight. That child can get insulted by the littlest nothings. And things get out of hand very quickly.

Today the local sheriff's department was involved. The kids had a half day at school today, the last day of the first semester. She got home just after 1:00 this afternoon and shortly thereafter Twitch and I left for the grocery store. When we got back (Aldi is a great place to get lots of stuff for relatively little money) Diva was not home. Sproing told me she had packed her book bag with clothes and left. She only ever goes to her friend Shi's house.


A bit of background: The dear child wants to be able to spend the night at a friend's house. There are many reasons this is a bad idea. Refer to the paragraph above with all the "buts" for a few examples. In addition she still, at 15 years old, wets the bed. Of course it's Shi she wants to sleep over with. Shi's mom has allowed her daughter to drop out of school even before Shi was legally old enough to do so. Shi's mother lets her do pretty much anything she wants. Shi's mother got kicked out of public housing. I don't know why, but I imagine she did something really stupid. The mother is currently unemployed again. Diva said she lost her most recent job working in a convenience store because she took money from the cash register. Diva also joined a conversation Superman and I were having with Twitch about the taste of various hard liquors with information about the kind she likes. (She isn't very bright. If I didn't want my parents to know I had been drinking, I would NOT join such a conversation!) I asked her in a very nonthreatening way how she knows this stuff. Oh, she tasted it when she was with Shi and her mom. Shi's mom does not have much money, what with being unemployed and not living in subsidized housing, so Diva likes to give them money. She has bought food for them. Just yesterday Shi's mom drove over here and Diva got out our gas can (with the fuel for the lawn mower, you know) and began filling the tank with our gas. Diva also asks her daddy to help out Shi's family with monetary donations. Superman declines. Shi's mom actually asks Diva for money. As I explained to the child, that sort of behavior from an adult is wrong. She's taking advantage of you, dear. Diva gives them her allowance money. I wouldn't be surprised if she began stealing money from us to give to them. (Note to self: keep our bedroom door locked when our wallets are in there and we are not.)

Diva asked daddy over the weekend about spending the night with Shi. First of all, the deal Superman made with Diva was that if she was "good" for four weeks, he would consider allowing a friend to sleep over here. Diva, as is her want, contorted that information into something more personally palatable: she sleeps over there. No. Also, with her recent bout of insanity (see link above)(not the Aldi one) she has demonstrated that she's not ready to handle that responsibility.

So when I learned that she'd packed her clothes and left, I knew she'd gone to Shi's. When Superman called this afternoon to say he was on his way home from work, I told him about Diva and asked if he would stop by (their place is between his work and home) and get her. Which he did. She got in the truck to come home but left her stuff there. On the way home he explained to her that no, she may not spend the night with Shi. With that information, Diva opened the door of the truck and ran away. While the truck was moving, albeit slowly. He was doing that California stop thing at a stop sign. So he came on home to tell me about it, then went back to get her. As he drove into Shi's yard Diva was just entering the house. (This "house" I refer to is the sorriest looking little old mobile home behind a bar and across the street from a veterinary hospital.) So he went up to the door and knocked. No one answered, and the door was locked. Superman called Diva's phone: no answer. Sent her a text: no answer. So he called the guy who's doing family therapy with us now. The guy told Superman to call 911, so he did. Here's where the sheriff's department comes in.

Superman also called to tell me what was going on. I assumed that Shi's mom was also in the house, complicit with not answering the door. I was wrong. As things were wrapping up with the deputy, Shi's mom and her boyfriend came walking up the road. They'd been on a walk. I am thankful that at least the mom wasn't in on this one. Wouldn't put it past her with what else I know about her, but whatever. Full disclosure: I have had very few interactions with the woman. Superman is the one who usually handles Diva and her visits with Shi. Most of what I know about her I've gotten second-hand.

When the deputy arrived on the scene Diva came out of the house. She's at least smart enough to do that. Maybe all her experience with law enforcement officers has taught her a little bit. According to Superman, the deputy gave her a good, loud dressing-down. Talking-to. Come-to-Jeesus meeting. I don't have details. There were no charges filed, but of course the officer will make a report. And Diva came home with her dad.

One of the reasons I didn't get details is that when Superman came back to the bedroom where I've been ensconced on my laptop, Diva followed. I heard her come in the room, go into our bathroom (my back is to the door when I'm sitting in bed), and heard the sound of pills clicking together. "Go check what she's doing" I said to Superman. He didn't need to, since before he could move she came to the bed and told us she had flushed a week's worth of all her medications down the toilet. I just this morning filled her weekly pill organizer so there were a full seven days of pills in there. She takes four in the morning and three at night. One of her psych meds in particular is very, very expensive. Some of the others are quite pricey, and a few are dirt cheap. We estimate she dumped well over $100 in the toilet. And I told her it is that kind of behavior that proves you are not mature or responsible enough to have those privileges you so desire.

She stood in here and argued with us for a long time. She made accusations against us, we countered with facts refuting her claims. We never let her do anything or go anywhere. Why, darling, just last Friday - a mere three days ago - you got to go skating with a friend. Oh, but they didn't go skating. The friend picked her up but they didn't go to the "skating ring." This is news to me, and indicates if she wants to go skating one of us will need to take her. I am not OK with her driving around all evening with random friends I don't know. She has a habit of picking friends who are poor role models. I didn't say any of that to her, but "treasured these things in my heart." I asked her where they'd gone instead, and she said "just driving around" which I don't believe for a minute. And so forth. She demanded that we place her in a "fosser" home. Well, I asked one of her psycho-social service coordinators about that last week, and it apparently isn't an option, at least not through that agency. I've also applied for her to go to various children's homes in the state. Her applications have been rejected because she's too fucking crazy. I actually told her that, too, though I might have left out the obscenity. This is a sample of the 45 minutes or so of argument. After that Superman told her to go to bed because he'd had all the insanity he could stand from her for the night.

A couple of hours later I took her evening meds in to her. She was sound asleep. (I'm not sure what we're going to do about the missing week of meds. The insurance company isn't keen on giving us extra meds.) She sat up and took the medicine, no argument. Before going to bed she had written on our white board in the kitchen something like "I won't be here no more. Sorry" which Sproing said means that she's going to run away. I erased it. When giving her the meds I reminded her that she has an appointment with the nurse at the department of mental health in the morning. Oh yeah, she said, at 10:30. Good grief.

This is long enough (or too long) for one post, and covers the events and some background of this evening's adventures. I'm sure there's more craziness I could document from the intervening week since I last posted about her (yes, it was only a week ago that she set fire to a pile of trash in her bedroom). But I won't. Not tonight. Superman went to sleep half an hour ago and told me not to stay up too late. So I'll post this now. But will I then shut down the 'puter, spend another hour or so on facebork, or play solitaire for a long time? Stay tuned for the answer to this pressing question.

*somehow originally mis-typed the beginning of this word as "sex"

A moment for thought

Recently I've been chatting with a new blog buddy, Victor. (Look Victor! I figured out how to link to your profile!) We had a long chat last night about deep subjects. I thought! I thought about something besides the stress with my children. It was glorious! And I realize this morning (OK, it's afternoon. Work with me here.) that I almost never have time or energy to contemplate. Victor and I discussed, among other things, my adventures of last summer in West Virginia: the few days I spent alone in the rustic cabin at Babcock State Park, then wrecking the car, and the wonderful time Superman and I had together when he came to rescue me. That week means a lot to me. I had peace. I had space in my day and in my head to relax, to think about the whichness of why. If you don't know by now, I really like contemplating the whichness of why. Thinking is one of my favorite activities. Oh, and Victor compels me to think. He asks good questions, too.

So this morning I had motivation to get up and do some things around the house that I want and need to do. We're trying to clean up, clear up, eliminate the unnecessary stuff in our home. And by extension, I guess, in our lives. I say "we" because it's a joint effort, but really it's all about me. (Isn't it always?)

However (and isn't this always the case) once I was up and about, the children interfered with my peace. Diva argued with me when I set her to a job (that she'd been told to do over a week ago and had done it insufficiently). She got pissy. I've been feeling pretty pissy myself for the past few days. Moving along... and Sproing bounces in my face and taunts me. I tell you, that sort of thing takes the wind out of my sails.

Is this normal? Is something wrong with me that I am not able to complete my appointed rounds (so to speak) when I encounter kid interference? Maybe my ADD contributes to the problem. Or perhaps the over-the-top abnormal behavior of these children has stressed me out to the point that I am so easily derailed. The arguments from Diva are kind of normal for teenagers her age and level of maturity. But because she is abnormal in so many pathological ways I guess I'm hyper sensitive to her behavior. I have less patience with her than perhaps I would or should if she wasn't so nuts.

Listen to me. I'm talking about the children again. Dammit. There are other things in my life! Things I want to think about, discoveries I need to make about who I am becoming.

A lot has changed in my life in the past decade. Ten years ago I was a faithful Bible-believing Christian actively involved in a conservative church. Was it seven years ago now? I caught the gay. Met C, grew to love him, and came to the realization that there is nothing wrong with being gay. It's normal, natural, and not at all what I'd been taught. Questioning the church's teaching on homosexuality led to more questions about the validity of other things the church teaches about the Bible and society.

I've had a sea change in personal worldview. These things require a lot of thought. I need to review events in my past, reframed with my new perspective. Have I had time to do that? Hell no. I've been dragged through the wringer... well, you know. Read most of my archives for the past couple of years. It's been hell with these two adolescent lunatics. Bitter? Oh yeah.

I got a couple of hours of freedom from those stresses last night chatting with Victor. I am unbelievably grateful, Victor, for the conversation we shared.

It's that child again

The young girl-child. This is what she did today.

 These are scorch marks and melted I-don't-know-what on her bedroom floor. She set fire to some garbage. In her bedroom.

 When I went to check on things after Sproing told me she was burning something, there was a very small flame on a small pile of charred something - maybe paper. I stepped on it, put out the flames. Told her she had quite a mess to clean up.

These pictures were taken after she'd done some cleaning. When I first saw it there was lots of broken glass and glass beads all around. She threw her make-up mirror at the wall. She also threw a small plastic fish tank that Superman bought her to house a Beta fish. (The fish died long ago.) It had blue and green glass beads in it before they scattered over the floor.

When asked why she set fire to trash in her room she answered "because I want to kill myself." By burning down the whole house?? WTF? She doesn't think very clearly. She threatened to hang herself earlier in the afternoon, then later she said she'd stab herself with a knife. I asked if she had a plan to hurt herself, if she really intended to do it. She said "None of your goddamn business." Excuse me? I am her mother. It's definitely my business.

I didn't know what exactly to do. Should I call the police? The fire was very small and there are two small scorched areas on the floor. How big a deal is this? I have no perspective from which to judge. Or should I take her to the hospital as a suicide risk? We've done that before. The upshot then was that she threatened suicide as a bid for attention. Shortly after Superman and I had a "serious discussion" with her about the fire she "ran away." She put some things in her book bag and left the house. A couple of hours later Superman went to her best friend's house and found her there. As I suspected. He brought her home.

There is other stuff going on behind all this mess. Evidently she has a reputation at school for being a slut. She blames Sproing for spreading this rumor. He of course denies everything. I don't know how the gossip started. Oh, and she called me a liar when I said I didn't know who started it. She says - he says. I don't believe either of them. The thing about her reputation as a sexually loose young woman is that it's true. She sleeps around. Why? I don't know. Also, word got out that she's bisexual. She is livid about that. But, I said, you are bisexual, right? Yes, she is. So? Well, it's social death or something. This is small town South Carolina, so perhaps it is. She's sunk anyway, mostly of her own actions.

I'm fuckin sick of the whole mess. Having a hard time dredging up any give-a-shit. I just want my house to not burn down. We're sleeping with our bedroom door locked tonight because I don't trust her. She is livid. She may well be capable of and willing to sneak in here and stab me in my sleep. She might also set the house on fire. Superman brought the kitchen matches and the lighter for the fire place into our room for the night.

It's late. I'm tired and have a busy day tomorrow. I may or may not sleep tonight, but I'm going to give it a try.

Let me tell you about it

I have an "a" that works again! Believe it or not, the broken "a" key is one of the things I have allowed to keep me from posting. Sad but true. The "a" key isn't completely fixed good-as-new, but it works pretty well. I ordered a replacement, and it didn't work quite right, so I fiddled with it a bit and now it works most of the time.

In my last post I detailed the gay drama going on with C. Most of that has calmed down. He's much better now. Still a couple of areas concern me, but nothing that I think has a major bearing on his ability to function. He says he's not going to pursue a relationship right now. If something develops with anyone he interacts with normally, he won't kick it out of bed, as such. But he's not actively seeking a boyfriend.

The major news story in Javaland concerns Diva. For details of the present mess see here, here, and here. She appeared before the court yesterday (Monday). She has been placed on probation for six months and sent home. Being as how she's a juvenile, we her parents are also sort of on probation, kinda. We are mandated to take her to all of her classes, appointments, meetings, etc. She must participate in the activities, of course. We only have to make sure she gets there. She has to take an anger management course. I talked to her service coordinator today about that. I think it would be a good idea for me, Superman, and Sproing to also take the course. Sproing sure as heck needs the skills, and Superman and I can surely learn a thing or two about how to better handle anger. I'd like to know just what Diva is learning so I can be consistent with it, use the same terms, etc. at home.

I don't know all the details of her probation requirements. She has to go to therapy, which she does already anyway. I arranged for a different therapist, though. She never developed a good rapport with the lady she has worked with for a year or more. I hope the new gal works out better. Diva will also have an RPS worker, that social worker type who helps with life skills, social interaction, etc. I've mentioned before the RPS worker who worked with Sproing. He was fantastic. He still is fantastic, but he left South Carolina and went back out west. I miss him. He and I had that rapport thing down pat. Anyway, Diva will be working with a new RPS worker and Sproing is getting a new one, too. I get to meet both of them tomorrow afternoon. Wee-ha.

We'll also continue with the family therapist lady who comes to our home on Thursday evenings. She's great. We have learned to work well together, though she is yet another in an increasingly long list of therapist/social worker-type people I have to work with. Of course we now add a probation officer to the list. We have our first meeting with the probation officer next Monday.

And so it goes. And Diva is here. So far things have been mostly OK. She has copped an attitude with me a few times. She fights against the restrictions of childhood. She thinks she knows everything and I know nothing, that she can make her own decisions about every aspect of her life. Part of our job here and now is to teach her to respect authority. You know. Like to not hit a police officer with a broom stick.

I know she has problems, organic and inherited. But she also has problems that stem from inadequate parenting. Maybe. I think. We haven't been as strict or consistent with her as we should. We're too nice. Or something. Yes, I do accept some of the blame for her lack of respect for authority (and for me). Not all of it. But some.

Superman has a plan for us, for her, for now. She is here. We will do what we need to for her, to the best of our ability, and see how things develop. If she improves, if she does well, then great. If she plays the part of the good child for a while and then loses her shit, we'll call in the authorities again. In the short term, it's impossible to tell if she has genuinely improved. She's pretty good at pretending for a while. With age and experience, I hope she matures. I see maturity now that she didn't have two years ago. I want to say "of course" but with her we can't assume anything.

And Sproing got into a bit of trouble at school today for the second day in a row. That would be the day Diva came home and the day after Diva came home. Any relation, you think? He was disruptive in his final class of the day. Wouldn't stay in his seat and refused to do the assignment. I got the email with these details as I was leaving my school at 3:00. I realized that I had time to get to his school before they dismissed at 3:20, so I skedaddled over there. Horror of horrors, I showed up in his classroom! Yes, the dreaded mother came to school! How utterly embarrassing. We went into the hallway to talk privately. He didn't cooperate then, either. I took him home, the boy resisting all the way out of the building. He refused to walk with me. He followed approximately 10 feet behind me, looking all the while as if he was just walking down the hall with no thought to that strange woman over there. Whatever. Little bits at a time.

He calmed down a while after we got home. I sent him to his room, but he said he had to use the coping skill of going for a walk. I gave him 45 minutes to walk it off, then he had to be in his room. Instead of going for a walk he got the push lawnmower out and mowed the front lawn. It needed one last mow down before winter, and he did a good job. That kept him out a bit longer than the 45 minutes, but he was being useful and active. I stayed outside and supervised the whole thing. By the time his Daddy got home Sproing was pretty copacetic. He even did his science project that was due last week that we argued about this weekend.

Here's the thing: I offer to help. I give him good suggestions. But I don't know, because mother made the suggestion, he has to fight it. Oppositional Defiant Disorder. And middle adolescence. A deadly combination. He ended up retreating to his room and refused to do the project at all. And it was a simple project. Look up the rock cycle (whatever that is) on the internet (or in his science book, which I told him to bring home but he didn't) and draw a diagram of it on a piece of poster board. So he did that this evening before supper, willingly and cheerfully. But only today, not Sunday evening. Oy.

I'm tired and sore and emotionally drained. Time for this Java to lie down and go to sleep.

Diva update

First of all, I must note that the "a" key broke off my computer keyboard. This presents a challenge that I may not completely overcome.

Diva had her arraignment hearing this afternoon, NOT in the Greenwood County courthouse. We had to drive an hour to get to Newberry. That's where juvenile court was held in this section of the state today. They ended up dropping both of the assault charges (didn't ask me; I wanted to pursue the assault charge I filed) and charged her with being incorrigible. Isn't that fun? All legal reps recommended that she be placed in the DJJ evaluation center where she will get what promises to be a thorough psychiatric and psychological* and physical evaluation. In 30-45 days she will appear before the court for a decision about what to do next. We have three agencies involved now: Continuum of Care, state mental health dept, and DJJ. I hope they all work well together. Any or all of them have the capacity to recommend alternative placement for her, a placement that does NOT include my house. Know what I mean?

Right now I'm not even worried about it. We have anywhere from 14 to 45 days (I'm not really sure how long she will be there) before the next step. I don't have the energy to worry.

The officer who transported her from Columbia to the courthouse today told our Continuum o' Care rep that Diva claimed to have a good time in kiddie jail last night. She met some new peeps, yo. Am I disturbed by this revelation? I don't know how I feel about it. I didn't expect this, but am not surprised. No, mostly I'm sad.

She was pretty upset after court though. We got to hug her and say goodbye, and she cried. Her eyes were pretty red when she came into the courtroom, too. We saw her again before the officer left to take her to the crazy kid jail, and she seemed a bit more relaxed. The officers and court personnel were kinda joking with her and the other kid who was going there. They reiterated to these two youngsters how important it is to behave well at the crazy kid jail, because their behavior reflects strongly on their overall evaluation. If they get in trouble there, the judge is less likely to have a happy story for them at the end of their stay.

My chest and back have been sore today where Diva punched me last night. Superman saw the whole thing and says she threw a lot of punches; at least a dozen. I remember it as about four, but my attention was divided and I wasn't trying to keep track. I don't see any bruising, but Superman says my chest has a slight bruise.

I only got about 4 hours of sleep last night, and it's almost midnight again. I'm going to bed now, and will post again over the weekend probably. Twitch's school quarter is finished as of tonight, so I'll drive up to Charlotte to bring him home tomorrow. That's about 5 hours on the road. Good thing I like to drive.

*I don't know the difference between the psychiatric and psychological. The DJJ agent or the public defender asked me if she had both -iatric and -ological diagnoses. I dunno. Guess they'll find out, huh?

General update and a quote

This was the quote in today's A.Word.A.Day offering. Is this significant to my life today?

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. -Peter Drucker, management consultant, professor, and writer (1909-2005)

I discovered a website of gay stories. I was up until, um... (shhh - 5:00 this morning)(don't tell Superman) ... pretty late reading one of the stories. It was good, sure. But why do I do this to myself? Why do I sabotage my health and sanity with behaviors like this?

Superman and I were just talking about the stress in our lives. Their names are Sproing, Diva, and Money. Oh, and the repairs and remodel "we" (mostly he) is/are doing on the house and yard. We want to move, but the house and yard need a lot of work to get it into sellable condition.

I'm really too tired to think about it much. I'd get too upset if I tried, so I'm going to ignore it for now. And go to bed early tonight (I hope!).

Superman says he feels like he's on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I had me another mini-breakdown Sunday after Sproing acted like... well, Sproing. I'm worried about Superman, though.

My brain isn't working well. Too tired. I will go to my Art History class in an hour, then meet with my academic advisor about finishing up my research project. We might be going in a different direction now, actually. I want to tell you about it, but I'm too tired. Briefly (really this time!) I'm looking into the possibility of starting a gay-lesbian-bi-transgender support group and/or community center for my course project. This may just be an empty exercise for the experience and a grade, or perhaps I will find enough support for the thing to really get off the ground. At any rate I'd like to start a PFLAG chapter. Of course there isn't one in Greenwood. According to the PFLAG website, there are five chapters in South Carolina: Greenville, Spartanburg, Columbia, Myrtle Beach, and Charleston. The closest to us is Greenville, about an hour north of Greenwood. I've been to that one a few times, but the travel distance precludes much involvement. We need one in Greenwood, imho.

And I'm rambling again. It's what I do when I'm tired. Also what I do when I'm not tired, but more so when I'm tired. Like now. This is a perfect example of rambling.

Oh, shut up Java. Post this thing and go to school already.

I had a good day... and drunk blogging

I've had a spate of bad days over the past couple of weeks, but have felt pretty good most of this week. I had 2.5 glasses of wine and some spiked coffee this evening, and my head is floating about half a head above my head now. Feelin' groovy.

Superman left here Sunday to visit his parents. I may have mentioned before that his father is in poor health. Today (24 Nov) is his 79th birthday, and Superman wanted to visit and be there on his dad's birthday. He had a good visit with the folks. He left their place around noon and drove to the city where Twitch attends school to retrieve the boy. They got here at 9:17 this evening (he notices stuff like that). Superman is compressed, and has been attempting to decompress since he got home, having spotty success. I'm glad he's back home. Things went pretty well while he was gone, but it is very good to have him back where he belongs.

So Twitch is home now, and Light got home yesterday (Tues.). Tomorrow morning I will drive to Columbia to retrieve the Diva. She'll come home for Thanksgiving dinner, then go right back to the loony bin. I'm a bit uncomfortable about her being here, but I feel obligated to include her in the holiday observance. I think I'd feel more uncomfortable (read: guilty) if we excluded her. The plan is to keep a wary eye on her at all times, and no one will be alone with her. It's a tricky thing. Yes, there's some resentment being served with our holiday meal.

Speaking of the meal, Superman and Light will be doing the majority of the cooking. I'll go get Diva, and hopefully he will drive her back in the afternoon. After being on the road for 9 hours today he might not be thrilled about another 3 or so. Eh. It's what we do.

Twitch is home. He can be an annoying pain in the arse. Sproing is having some trouble settling down tonight, and Light is in the room that Twitch and Sproing share, singing to her little brother. Sproing loves that. They developed that habit last summer and it was a good way for them to build on their relationship. Twitch was at school through the summer and missed that fun. Well, he's trying to go to sleep now and is entirely put out about all this melodic sweetness. Oh, get over yourself, young'un!

I mixed up a batch of ginger snap cookies this evening, and the batter is currently in the refrigerator acquiring the necessary firmness for shaping and baking. Shape and Bake, not the same as Shake and Bake. I also baked two pumpkin and one pecan pie. That's about the extent of my contribution to dinner. When I get back with Diva tomorrow (probably close to noon) I'll do some further consultation and perhaps pitch in with some real work. We'll see what needs to be done.

This post is boring me. There is some other stuff I want to talk about but tonight is not the time to do so. I need to discuss art and psychology and uncertainty and internal conflict and that sort of thing. Hopefully I'll get back here to do that before next week. I have a bunch of homework to do this weekend, too. Right now, though, it's time to go to bed.

I hope everyone has a lovely weekend, a happy Thanksgiving if you live in a place where that applies, and peace and security within your life.

(From my perspective this post seems fairly coherent, as if I weren't under the alcofluence of incohol at all. I'll have to check back tomorrow for a different perspective.)

as we roll along

I saw my psychiatrist today. He had heard that I was very upset yesterday and wanted the details. So I told him. And I told him what steps we are taking with the kids, both immediately at home and for counseling/treatment. I explained to him that we have been trying to get some help, find a residential care facility or an intensive program or something, but have been unsuccessful in our search. He says we need a case worker or social worker. Yes, but where? The social services dept. won't help us because we aren't abusing our kids. So what, am I supposed to abuse them in order to get any assistance? (I won't, but there are some tempting scenarios...) My doctor says "you need help with these children." Right. I just told you that.

But he gave me a prescription for some chill pills. Lorazepam, a benzodiazepine. According to the wikipedia entry, it has a relatively high addictive potential. I'm not sure how I'd know if I was addicted to it. Frankly, it kinda scares me. He wants me to take it today, but I have a paper due for economics and I've not finished all the reading. I have to study for my statistics final exam. Tomorrow is a regular class day, and he's going to use the time to answer any questions we have about any of the stuff we've covered. I don't know what questions I have because I haven't looked over it carefully enough to find specific areas of weakness. I need to do that TONIGHT! And I need to write a paper. And I got 4.5 hours of restless sleep last night. Light just told me to take a nap before I start studying, and I'm going to take her advice just as soon as I finish checking my email (I'm done, unless something else comes in within the next few minutes) and writing this brief blog entry. Anyway, I'm not going to take the Lorazepam until after I've done my studying.

Superman took Sproing to a new and different mental health care provider this morning. It was an initial interview thing, to see if he qualifies for thier services. He does! This is an all-in-one place that does group and individual counseling, and they have their own child psychiatrists who work exclusively with the center. The boy has his first official counseling appointment next week (if I remember what Superman said). Hopefully this will be the beginning of some useful stuff for him.

As for the girl, she has an appointment with a new therapist on Thursday. We shall see. We're trying a different approach for her, one that might help get her into a residential care facility sooner than if she was in the program Sproing will do.

I'm tired. There is more I want to say (isn't there always?) but right now I need a nap, then I'm gonna study. TTFN