In which there is a quote and some rambling

Today's quote:
There comes a time in a man's life when to get where he has to -- if there are no doors or windows -- he walks through a wall. -Bernard Malamud, novelist and short-story writer (1914-1986) 

I read this and thought about the many guys who have told me that at some point the need to be true to their homosexual feelings overpowers their fears. This applies particularly to men who come out in midlife, though younger guys sometimes feel like that. So I've been told. And some have walked through walls to come out.

In other news, Christmas. I'm about ready for Christmas now. I've started my Christmas baking. I made an eggnog custard pie this afternoon, and baked my first ever fruitcake. It's my mother-in-law's recipe, and I love hers. Not sure if this one will measure up. Let me go taste-test it.

Meh, it's OK. Not as good as my mil's. A little bit dry. Superman likes it. The pie is fantastic, though.

Superman and I are watching "Despicable Me" on our new TV set*. We got a wall bracket with which to hang it this evening. Sproing crawled under the house today to move the cable from one wall to another so we can get a bunch of channels with nothing to watch on the new TV. It was Sproing's first time under the house. He claims it is his last. Silly boy didn't like it much. Superman has never liked it either. We are watching Despicable Me because 1) there isn't anything good on broadcast TV and 2) I want to see Despicable Me 2 so figured it'd be good to remind myself of the original first.

C was admitted to the hospital this evening. His left ankle is swollen and red, and after consulting with his mother over the phone (she's a nurse) he had us drop him off at the ER. He called us about an hour ago and said they were admitting him. Something about a possible infection in his leg/foot. And he has septicemia marks running up his leg. I guess I'll go see him in the morning, see if anyone knows any more.

A few days ago I took the space bar key off my keyboard and ever since it hasn't been as responsive. So my words are running together in type as well as in my head.

And speaking of running together in my head, my thoughts. They do that. I wonder once again if I should take medication for ADD. I get so befuddled when I try to do any work around here. There's this, oh and that, and wait, wasn't I doing something else? I need to remember to do the other thing before it gets too something. All at the same time.

*Does anyone call them TV sets anymore? A set of what? Not cathode ray tubes, that's for sure. An array of liquid crystal displays or something, maybe. No wait, this one is an LED. I don't know what LED stands for.

Oh look! A blog! I wonder what it's for.

Yeah, I'm still here. It is Christmas day and we have survived. Thrived, even. Neither Twitch nor Light came home for Christmas. I knew Light wouldn't be able to come, but Twitch decided he didn't want to. But I talked to him this afternoon and he is woefully depressed. Things are a bit rough for him right now, but he's doing alright in the whole scheme of things.

Twitch says he realizes now what an annoying prick he's been for years. He works in food service now, and is very irritated by customers who do things that he used to do. That he did not that long ago. He is aware and now feels terribly guilty about how he has acted, but doesn't know what to do about it. I said "Change." He complained or made excuses, I don't know. I quit listening to him there for a minute when he got mopey.

Light is sharing her holiday with good friends of hers. I talked to her for a while this afternoon. She sounds good. Also talked to my Mama, who is spending the holiday where we spent Thanksgiving, with my brother Jim. My other brother Mike called me earlier when he was on his way to Jim's  house to do the family thing. They sound good.

Sproing and Diva got a flat screen TV, 32", for Christmas. Well, it's a family gift, really. We haven't had a flat screen in the living room, and now that everything broadcasted is formatted for the wider screen, it's hard to watch a lot of shows. Ya' miss half of them - the left quarter and right quarter of the picture. Cable isn't hooked to the new TV yet, but the DVD player is. Sproing is in there now watching a show on the old TV, but had a movie on the new one earlier.

And I had a lovely nap this afternoon. I feel much better, sort of. We had a minimal Christmas this year. Superman and Sproing went out and got a tree yesterday. For $10. If you wait until the 24th, you can finagle a good price. We also just got the turkey yesterday. Had to get a fresh (not frozen) one because we didn't have time to thaw the bird. Have I mentioned that I love turkey? The only ones available were rather large. We got the smallest one at 18.6 lbs. It's out of the oven now, resting as turkeys are wont to do. Superman has prepared the gravy, he tells me. And it's good. I'm eager! My rolls are rising, should be ready to bake in half an hour, maybe less.

Diva was pleasant today. She was a bit grumpy yesterday, but I was worse. We worked it out. I apologized for being a grump. Sproing, on the other hand, was an absolute ass yesterday. He's been better today. He's just an argument waiting to happen almost all the time.

Superman has a very long holiday. Last Friday he worked a short day, and doesn't have to go back to work until Jan 6. I LOVE having him home like this! It's hard to keep up with what day it is, though. Garbage gets picked up on Tuesdays, and I was so proud of us that we remembered to get the roll out thing to the curb Monday night. The next challenge is remembering to get the recycle bin to the curb Thursday night.

Are you bored yet? One reason I haven't written recently is that there isn't much to write. Well, Diva got herself suspended the Monday of the last week of school before the winter break, so she effectively gets an extra week of vacation. Don't know if I mentioned that here. Yeah, I was pissed. But it's over now, and we're moving on. Because, really, what else can we do?

I have also been a bit depressed. I don't want to do anything. Nothing is fun. The lead-up to Christmas pisses me off. Although I did enjoy a few Christmas movies. We saw "It's a Wonderful Life" last night. I am glad Christmas is over if only so the commercials and bad music will stop. There will be other annoying commercials, of course, but what can you do?  I'm looking forward to baseball season. About 3.5 months until the season openers. Spring training starts in just over a month, but I'm not sure those preseason games are broadcast on any channels we get. I can at least follow the scores.

Maybe I'll be in a contemplative mood, ready to expound upon meaningful topics soon. Right now I'm going to finish getting Christmas dinner ready.

I hope everyone had a good holiday.

That Christmas TMI Tuesday meme thing

... which comes from Dirk and Heart in Hand, originating with Just a Jeep Guy (who's blog I don't follow and don't have the link). And yeah, it isn't Tuesday anymore. Deal with it.

THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS 2013
1. Which religion or faith do you belong to, if any? Humph. This one is a blog post in itself. I used to be conservative Christian. Then I caught the gay, in a way, and "we have turned everyone to his own way" as Handel's Messiah is singing me right now. The Church and I have some significant differences now. I still, however, believe in a spiritual deity of sorts, but even I don't really know what I mean by that.
2. What is your opinion of Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays? People get their panties in a wad about it and I think the whole mess is stupid.
3. Holiday music on the radio? When and how much? HATE IT!! I hardly listen to the radio at all, and when I do, it's usually NPR classical stuff.
4. When do you start decorating? Do you? Not much. Less and less every year. We hang stockings on the mantle, all of which (or most, depending on who's here at Christmas) are handmade quilted works of art that I've made over the years.
5. White lights or multi-colored?  Whatever.
6. Gift cards, cash, or actually shopped-for presents? This year, not much. I made a nifty fleece scarf for my mom. It has pockets on the ends so she can warm up her hands when wearing it. She loves it. So do I, so much so that I think I'll make one for myself with the leftover material. Not getting anything for anyone outside the family. Amazon gift cards for the kids and some kind of candy/treat for each. (Light, pretend to be surprised.) Superman and I gave each other tickets to the Beer Dinner at our favorite restaurant. Redeemed last week.
7. Christmas cards and/or family update letters are... I used to enjoy sending out cards many years ago before I had kids. Since the kid count got above one I haven't done much. I enjoy receiving thoughtful cards from the few friends who still send them, mostly my gay blog buddies. As for family update letters, they mostly depress me. I've pretended to consider writing one, but it would go something like "We had a very successful 2013! Neither of the younger kids ended up in jail this year." I can't be bothered. I've seen some good ones, though.
8. Snow is...A rarity here in The South (TM)
9. Have you been a good little boy or girl this year? Bah Humbug.
10. RAPID FIRE FAVORITES:
1. Food: Roast turkey, stuffing, gravy... pretty much a repeat of Thanksgiving. And since I was not with the husband and kids this Thanksgiving, I'm definitely going to do Thanksgiving Redux for Christmas dinner, whenever we have it.
2. Dessert: Yes, please. Pumpkin pie is a must. Thanksgiving throwback.

3. Drink: Eggnog with or without some Captain Morgan Spiced. My intestines are getting old, though, and I can't drink very much of that rich eggnog before I'm in the bathroom with regrets. 

4. Holiday movie: "It's a Wonderful Life" is a longstanding tradition around here. I like movies that "prove" the existence of Santa. "Miracle on 34th Street," "The Santa Claus," "Polar Express" (which I like for the production value as much as the story)
5. Holiday music: Listening to Handel's "Messiah" right now. Love it! Also like the old traditional carols, even though the religion doesn't move me anymore. I like to listen to the BBC's broadcast of "Nine Lessons and Carols" on Christmas eve, which kinda goes in the next category "traditions." It always begins with a boy choir solo first verse of "Once In Royal David's City." I also really like "Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming."
6. Holiday tradition. Superman having the whole week off. Usually ends up being between 10 and 14 days off in a row. It's difficult when he goes back to work in January. I miss him a lot during the day for the first week he's back. 

BONUS(ES) - Christmas sex:
What have you done under the mistletoe? Mistletoe?
Have you caught daddy kissing Santa Clause? Uh, that'd be a No.
Have you done it a Santa suit? Never.
Did you come down the chimney? Um, I think I am the chimney in this metaphor.
Just how merry have you made Santa's helpers? "Santa" really likes me, does that count? 

Comment and Commenting

Y'all, check out this comment on the previous post:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "This isn't what I expected from today (A rant. You...": How could anyone talk about a child this way. So very sad. You are a bad mother; its no surprise she doesn't respect you. 

I am very amused. All the years I have spent trying to be kind and loving to her, (and for that matter I still try) and the child treats me like dirt. One can only be hurt so many times before lowering the level of effort.

We had a rough evening yesterday, but about an hour after she took her meds she calmed down (because they make her sleepy) and was kinda nice to me. She wanted me to help her crack her back because it hurt. She was sitting at an odd angle and fell asleep in the chair in her room and her legs fell asleep. She called me "Mom! I can't feel my legs!" So I helped her get up, explained about cutting of the blood supply, etc. We were very civil to each other. Then she went to bed.

This morning I got her up at 10:00 and offered to take her with me to the fabric store. Simplicity patterns are on sale for 99 cents and fabric and notions and all kinds of stuff is marked down significantly. I offered to let her pick one or two patterns and either I'd make her something or she could make 'em. She liked to sew at one point in her life, maybe three years ago. She declined. She's not been antagonistic (so far) today, but she hasn't been pleasant either. I've been about as nice as I can be, which is pretty darn nice under the circumstances.

In a sense, the anonymous commenter is correct. I am a bad mother. Well, probably not "bad" exactly, but I have many faults, and I don't parent my daughter as well as I could. Nor my son, either. I (we) have not been as consistent as we should be with rules and consequences, for example. Both of these kids are very difficult to parent, both are emotionally disturbed to one extent or another. Clinically. Like, with psychiatric diagnoses and shit. And that shit is HARD, dude! Normal stuff doesn't work with these kids. We do what we can with what we have.

So, Anonymous, if you'd like to take Diva for a few months and do a better job with her than I have, come on! You'll need a six month minimum, better eighteen months to get a genuine Diva experience. She does the "honeymoon" period really well. New situations usually bring out the best in her. She can be quite sweet. Maybe if you are truly a better parent than I, she'll respond well and have a smooth transition to adulthood. I know she and I aren't a "good fit" personality wise, and that is part of our problem.

I genuinely wish the best for Diva. I want her to have a good relationship with her parent figures. I want her to have honest confidence in herself and her abilities.* I want her to have good people skills, respect herself and other people. I've done what I can to teach her these things, to model them for her. It saddens me that our relationship is so poisoned. We've had good times. Recently, things haven't been so good. If you can do better, please come forward.

*By that I mean not delusional about her capacity to, for instance, sing and dance. She tends to think she's American Idol winner quality about stuff like that. She's got rhythm, sure, and she has dancing potential, but she's not that good, and when we gave her dance lessons she didn't commit to them the way she needs to in order to be that good.

This isn't what I expected from today (A rant. You have been warned.)

And it's early yet.

As I begin this post, the time is 8:40 a.m.

Superman left about an hour ago to visit his family in northwest Georgia. That's south of where the winter weather is, but smack in middle of lots of rain. I resent that he is going, which is totally not fair. I was gone for six days last week. He hasn't seen his family in a few months, and his Dad's birthday was two weeks ago. He intended to visit them the weekend before Thanksgiving, but shit happened and the trip was postponed until now. All very well and good. I want him to see his Dad, celebrate his Dad's birthday. My dad didn't get to have a birthday this year, and Superman's dad is even less healthy (we thought) than my dad.

I expected Superman to leave this morning. But I expected him to be here for a little while after the kids left for school so we could have some quality time together, whatever form that took. Diva shook that plan all to hell.

Diva, as you may recall, wets the bed. Still. At 16 years old. (She turned 16 two days ago.) Her birthday week has been fraught with bullshit drama. The latest shit is piss. Not on her air mattress, which she uses because she wets the bed and air mattresses are made of plastic, a generally waterproof substance. For reasons known only to her (and I use the term "reason" sarcastically) she got the foam mattress that I fixed up for our daybed/cot thing. Light used it when she was here over Thanksgiving, and we hadn't put it back in the attic yet. I spent much effort making a fabric cover for the piece of foam, and it fits the cot beautifully. Stupid Diva took her air mattress off her bed last night and used the foam instead. And son of a gun, she wet the bed. The foam bed. With fabric cover permanently sewn on, not easy to remove, no zipper or anything.

And I'm very angry at her. Superman is, too. Any plans for cuddly together time are superseded by frustration. Again. This happens all too often, and I resent it. I resent her. And now Superman is gone until Monday and I'm stuck at home all the long weekend with The Bitch Diva.

Diva has been acting the bitch for days (weeks?) now. She has quit doing her work at school and is failing all her classes. This after passing everything on her latest report card. Actually, she has a high B in math, F in everything else. WTF? We had an IEP (Individual Education Plan) meeting with/for her on Wednesday (her birthday). She was sullen and uncooperative. Put her head down on the table and refused to participate. Idiot.

Last Saturday Superman took her to the phone store and got her a new phone. A smart phone, no less. Do you know what kind of trouble a bitch like that can get into with a smart phone? A lot. She hasn't had a phone in months because she broke the last one. Being stupid and bitchy. (Do I sound angry? I am.) Monday or Tuesday Superman discovered that the bitch has been "sexting" at least three different guys. What age are these fellas? I'm not sure, but the last guy she flirted with on facebork was in his early 30s, so I'm suspicious. We took her phone away again on Wednesday.

She's been telling people at school that she's pregnant. Again. Not pregnant again, but again saying she is. She isn't pregnant. I take her to the gyno every three months like clockwork for her to get her Depo injection. The Bitch ain't gonna get pregnant on my watch if I can help it. Abstinence won't work, that's for damn sure. (Not that it's effective for the general teen population, but that's a political discussion that I don't want to have right now.) Anyway, there was some drama surrounding the pregnancy rumor that SHE started. Somebody called her on it, demanded to see her ultrasound pictures. The other pregnant girl in the class had ultrasound pics of her baby. Where is Diva's? "In my aunt's car." (She doesn't have any aunts living within 250 miles of here.) Yeah, they called her on her bullshit and she got spastic, as she is prone to do. Caused a scene, got obnoxious with the teacher, was written up and sent to the office.

Which resulted in the punishment of spending the day in In School Suspension (ISS). Which was to be served yesterday. Superman took her to school yesterday morning, and he had "a talk" with her about her recent behavior, so she was in a mood. She told him she was going to get herself suspended. Which she did. She refused to go to ISS. So she was sent home. Gee, thanks. Superman brought her home, and she almost immediately left. In the rain. Alone. To walk to the emergency room because she didn't feel well. WTF? She called to tell him she was at the ER. He went to get her and there was a bit of a scene in the ER waiting room. What's new? Superman handled himself remarkably well. He gave her choices. She goes with him, or he calls the police. Her choice. She chose wisely this time.

We have a primary care physician, you know? She feels a bit sick, we take her to our doctor. The ER isn't necessary. She's all about drama, though, and her stupid friends all have Medicaid and use the ER for everything. She didn't even tell her dad (or me, but she didn't talk to me at all) that she felt sick. Anyway he took her to our doctor's office. Turns out she is sick; she has a urinary tract infection. OK fine. Now she's on antibiotic. Which I suspect she didn't take this morning. I have to go look, and if she didn't take her meds this morning before she went to school I have to take them to her. This will not improve my mood or my opinion of her.

I don't know. There's more. As I was reviewing this missive I thought of a couple of other things to add. For instance, her aunts that live 250 or 500 miles away from here won't claim her anyway. She has put me and her dad through so much shit she's basically been punted from the extended family. Now that my dad is dead, my mom is the only one who recognizes her on her birthday or Christmas. And Mama doesn't want to see her. Mama is a good woman. She tries to do the right thing, but with Diva it's hard to know how much to participate in her life without putting oneself in danger. That's the shit of it all.

She was a total bitch (Diva, not my mother) over the weekend and the beginning of this week. Then Wednesday was her birthday and the last thing I wanted to do was be nice to her. But I try to do the right thing. You know we had her party about 5 weeks ago when she wanted it, right before Halloween. Tuesday night after she went to bed I pulled out the two frozen cake layers left over from the fancy cake I made for her party. I went to the store and bought a birthday card* and frosting, frosted the cake all pretty pink and strawberry flavored for her. Wednesday morning she seemed to appreciate it. Wednesday afternoon at the IEP meeting her teacher was telling us how she told her friends in class how we dissed her, didn't do anything for her for her birthday, etc. What the fuck ever.

I've been ranting for an hour. I need to check the bitch's meds, see if she took them this morning, and probably need to make a trip to the school. FML.

Here are the pictures of the cake I made for her party.

 The top layer is a spider web, middle layer a grave yard with Kit-Kat fence. (I love Kit-Kats!)

 And the bottom layer is a pumpkin patch. 

I did the vines and leaves with a piping bag and decorator tips. It was fun. All her friends thought it was the bomb. By now she doesn't give a shit because I am a shit mother and she knows everything and is always right while I'm always wrong. Raising teenagers is shitty business. 

P.S. Yes, I have to take her meds to the school. You figured I would, right? 

*Picking out a card was HARD!! I got a "for our daughter from mom and dad" thing. There were so many cards that said happy b'day to our wonderful daughter, we love you so much, enjoy spending time with you, you are so precious, etc. BULL SHIT!! I could not in good conscience get a card like that. The one I got was kinda pushing the envelope (pun intended) but wasn't too over the top. Oh, and she got super mad at me on Thursday, cut the card to pieces and delivered it back to me. We gave her the card and cake Wednesday morning because Superman and I had a dinner date Wednesday night and wouldn't be here. She got pissed about that, too, but hell, Bitch! What makes you think any of us would enjoy spending time together on your birthday with you acting like such a bitch? The only enjoyment you'd receive is the fun you have making our lives miserable.

I have been away

I went to Florida. See? This is what Florida looks like.

 Bermuda grass in my brother Mike's back yard. Salt marsh beyond.

 More of Mike's back yard, with oak trees covered in Spanish Moss. 

 The neighbor's house and more Spanish Moss, oak trees, and this time a banana tree and some Spanish Bayonet. Very Floridian.  

 Here is New Smyrna Beach on the east coast of Florida. Looks like a beach. 

 The tide was near high. Here's some sea foam. It isn't green. I didn't taste it, though it looks like merengue. 

Palm trees! This time in the Orlando area in a Publix (grocery) parking lot. 

I went to Florida by myself, the immediate family stayed home. Light came home from Pennsylvania on Wednesday, but I left for Florida the Sunday previous. Stayed at Mike's house for one night (he wasn't there. It was peaceful and I enjoyed it.) Then went to Mama's for a couple of days. Then Mama and I (in separate cars) went to Gainesville so as to spend Thanksgiving with my brother Jim and his family. Jim and his wife host Thanksgiving dinner nearly every year, with the family and various friends in attendance. Since I live so far from the rest of my extended family, I have never been to one of Jim's Thanksgiving meals. I was thrilled. See, pictures! 

 A blurry picture of my mother, not posing. In the first picture I took of her, she had her posed smile on. It isn't as nice as natural. But then she did the whole "I'm drinking a glass of wine" thing, so what's a daughter to do? 

 This is my step-mother, the recently widowed one. She's doing as well as can be expected. She lives next door to Jim. I stayed at her house. 

This is part of the thanksgiving spread, the appetizers. I was too excited about turkey and a nap to take any pictures of the actual feast table. The food was excellent. I love a well cooked turkey. And stuffing. And turkey gravy. And a nap afterward. 

The real reason I went to Florida for Thanksgiving is that we, the family, buried my dad's ashes the day after Thanksgiving. But I'll leave that for another post, because I want to, this might get too long, and Light (who is here visiting still! I get to see her!!) is waiting for me to finish this mess and go out with her to visit a friend. Light is, however, glad that I'm getting another post up, because that strange oriental gentleman with the underwear on his head from the previous post scares her.  

I don't know, but oh my!

And here we are again

I have my computer back now. It had a nasty Trojan (is that supposed to be capitalized in this context?) that was erasing my registry or something. The nice fella at the repair shop fixed it, maybe. He said it was a particularly nasty one. The first time I started up the computer it did well, but since has been very slow to start. I may need to call the guy on Monday. Nevertheless it is good to have my own computer back.

I had the esophagogastroduodenoscopy on Wednesday. Did I tell you about that? I know I mentioned that I was scheduled for the procedure. It's an upper G.I. endoscopy. The doc snaked a tube with a camera on the end down my throat, into my stomach, and on to the first section of my intestine (the duodenum). It all looks good, he said. He took a few "clippings" from my stomach for biopsy or something because he said it was ever so slightly darker pink than perhaps it should be. I suppose I'll hear something from my family doctor once the results come back. I'm not worried.

My body heard that we are anemic. So what does the uterus do? She decides to bleed profusely for a couple of days. Not cool, uterus. It's not even time for that yet. You're supposed to wait another week or two, according to our most recent schedule.

Have been pretty depressed this week. Why? I dunno. Why does depression happen? I think that's the wrong question to ask, though I can say that hormones probably contribute to this episode. I don't want to go out anywhere or do anything. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist for this coming Monday but I called to cancel it Friday. I intend to reschedule, but the office was closed when I called so I have to call back to reschedule. There was a menu option to cancel appointments, though, on the answering program. I appreciate that.

I'm supposed to go to Florida for Thanksgiving. Have we discussed this? We're to bury my dad's ashes on the day after Thanksgiving. Light is coming home to South Carolina for this holiday, and Twitch got Tuesday through Friday off work so he'll be here from Charleston. All of this means that if I go to Florida, I'll go alone. Anyone who's read this blog for any length of time knows that I'm all about solo road trips! This time, though, I'm just not feeling it. A practical reason: my truck needs a work-over from the mechanic. That "check engine" light that started blaring on my way up through Vermont is still shining as soon as the truck warms up. We haven't had room in the budget to get it checked out. And otherwise, I kinda don't really want to see my Florida family. Especially not all together at one time. I usually do OK one on one with each of them, mostly, for brief periods. I'm supposed to spend a couple of days with my Mama in the Orlando area before T'giving, then go up to Gainesville for the holiday. Friday we'll go from Gainesville to the little town where my dad's family has cemetary plots. His parents, grandparents, and uncles are all buried there and it's where he wanted to be placed. Then either Friday or Saturday (depending on how long this thing lasts Friday) I'll drive back home. If I go.

I will get to see Light if I go to Florida because she doesn't fly back to Pennsylvania until the Monday after Thanksgiving. I'll miss Twitch, but I've seen him fairly recently anyway. He's only about four hours away, which makes for a nice drive especially if Superman and I go together without other passengers.

And now that I've discussed the Florida trip, I'm more willing to go. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm not making any decisions about it now because the hormones and depression influence me too much. I'll think about it in another week or two. Of course that gets really close to travel time, but I've told the family that I'm going, and if I end up going, they'll not know I almost didn't. You know what I mean?

My last post was way too long, so before this one gets any longer I'm going to end it.

A little bit more then lots of rambling

I took my computer to the repair place today. Probably won't hear anything until late tomorrow at the earliest. So here I am struggling along on Superman's laptop. I miss mine.

Diva saw the doctor. She's sick, but not with the flu. They did a nasal swab. Diva was all like "WTF?" when the nurse came at her with the long one-sided Qtip lookin' thing. I was good and didn't even laugh at her or nuthin'. She had a fever of 101 at the office. We didn't have a working thermometer so I wasn't sure what kind of fever she had. The doc prescribed a course of antibiotics for her. I feel sorry for the poor Diva. She obviously feels like shit. I picked up a new thermometer at the drug store when I got her medicine, and this evening her temp was 102. I gave her some Tylenol PM (the generic version) and she's sound asleep again. I got her some fruit juice and Gatorade and encourage her to drink a lot. Which means she'll wet the bed profusely, which sucks, but she needs to wash this ickiness out of her system.

Light has been in communication this weekend. She and her boyfriend have terminated their romantic relationship. Thing is, he moved into her apartment a few months ago and doesn't have anywhere else to go or enough money to get his own place. So now Light no longer lives with her boyfriend. Now she lives with a roommate who just happens to be her former boyfriend. She said they are on friendly terms, thankfully, which is the only way this roommate situation will work. I met the guy. I like him. But evidently they aren't good as sweethearts.

Light also told me that she'll be graduating either in May or August. I didn't realize she was graduating so soon. I'm so used to her being in Pennsylvania in school, it seems like that's where she belongs. I'm sure she is ever so ready to be done with school now, though.

While at the doctor's office with Diva this morning I got the results of my blood work. I had my annual physical last week with accompanying blood work. My cholesterol numbers are better, not that they were bad before. My glucose was a little bit high, but the nurse did an A1C check while I was there today (it was supposed to be part of the blood work, but didn't get ordered or something) and my A1C was only 5.5!! It's supposed to be less than 6.0, and a few years ago it was hovering at 6 or slightly above. My doctor had me coming in for blood pressure and A1C checkups every 4 months. When I changed my eating habits a couple of summers ago and started losing weight, my bp and A1C numbers went down. Duh. It's what the doc had been telling me to do for years! Last A1C about 4 or 5 months ago was 5.8 if I remember. Today was 5.5! Yay me! No, I am not diabetic. Doc says perhaps I'm pre-diabetic, whatever that means, but it is NOT "diabetus." With my numbers improving, it looks less and less like diabetes. So it's all good.


And now in interesting stuff from my inbox, I present a very expensive house. With what they're calling a "wrap around pool." Call me old fashioned, but to me, a wrap around pool is really a moat. I mean, what else could it be? Perhaps the moat doesn't encircle the palace house entirely, but in the olden castle days of yore not every moat completely circled the structure, right? Especially if there were geological structures that prevented bad guy access to the place, then the moat didn't need to go all the way around. Like for instance a cliff or very large rock beside the castle probably would work as well as a moat right there. So imagine this: a castle surrounded 25% by a steep cliff and 75% by a moat. Trust me, it'll work.

OK, this moat circles the castle. But not all moats did, right? 

Back to the more mundane. I have pictures to share. Not the ones of palaces and moats, but ones I took myself with my camera that I can't find the battery charger for. I can take the SD card out and load the pics to my computer.... wait, I don't have my computer. Shit. I also can't take any more pictures until I figure out how to charge the damn battery. If only I could find the box the camera came in. I bought it in April of this year after the disastrous canoe trip down the Juniper Run when I took my old camera swimming with me. Twitch was living here in my office, using my desk (OK, it's actually his old desk that I took over from him when he moved, but that's beside the point). So I doubt the camera stuff is in the bottom drawer of that desk, which is where I think it ought to be. Maybe it's on the little desk we moved into our bedroom when Twitch moved back home last December. That desk has accumulated a LOT of stuff on its surface. I'd show you a picture, but my camera isn't charged. Actually, I probably wouldn't because it's embarrassingly messy. Anyway, I might try excavating this little desk tomorrow and see if I can find the camera peripherals. Since I'm looking for the camera peripherals I probably won't find them. I'll find many other interesting and useful things, but not what I'm looking for. That's the way of the Java. 

But what I came to tell you is that I have pictures of the room we've been painting. This is the room that Twitch most recently occupied. It was my office before he moved home in December. It's meant to be a formal dining room in the overall design of the house.  We are tentatively planning to move our bed in there when we finish painting it so we can clean out our bedroom and do these major upgrades to the master suite. So right now I don't know what to call that room. Office/dining/bed/guest room? We painted it yellow above the chair rail and gray below. And I intend to put yellow vertical stripes on the yellow field. The yellow was supposed to be cream, but it's a bit yellower than the paint chip implied. Paint does that, I forgot. It's a pleasant yellow. Sproing says it looks like the color of Blue Bonnet Margarine. (I think that's the brand he indicated. We use dairy butter, so I'm not too familiar with margarine brands.) We have many partially empty cans of yellow paint from other projects, and I know there's a very light yellow that I hope works well against the not-cream margarine color. I've painted a test patch of the Blue Bonnet Yellow and need to get out my contrasting yellows to give it a try. My goal is a very faint contrast yellow on yellow, vertical stripes of approximately 12 inches. Coincidentally and conveniently, the paint stir sticks available for free at Lowe's are 12 inches long. Ain't that a treat? 

Superman and I were very efficient this weekend and got that room all painted. We'd done the priming a few weeks ago, just over the very dark blue/gray that was there before. When it was Light's room she painted half of it as a dark storm, the other half as a light blue sky with lighter blue or white sponged over the sky. We didn't need to prime the light parts. The dark bit needed three coats (maybe it was only two) of primer. The whole thing is yellow now and looks all kinds of solid. Nice. No light blue/dark blue bleeding through the yellow. 

It's late, I'm tired, and I don't know if this still makes any sense. Or if it made sense to begin with. 

OH, wait! I have more blood work news to relate. I'm anemic. My new doctor (actually a Physician's Assistant - PA) (because my old doctor, who wasn't old, retired this summer and I'm still in mourning over that) wants me to have a test... EGD? Yes! Thank you Google. It's an esophagogastroduodenoscopy. How cool is that!? I don't know how to pronounce it. Aka an upper G.I. endoscopy. I know how to pronounce that. Anyway, the PA, Jillian, wants to make sure I don't have any internal bleeding. I just had a "scopy" of the other end this summer, so that's been checked out. The procedure is scheduled for Wednesday the 6th. I'll need a driver, and can't eat anything for 5 hours preceding the procedure. (Alliteration, for those English majors out there.) But about the anemia thing, I've been cutting back on my meat consumption and I suspect I just haven't been getting enough iron in my diet. I'd much rather have to eat more leafy greens or take iron supplements than have internal bleeding or esophageal cancer, you know? I'll be sure to update you on this esophagogastroduodenoscopy, though. (Damn, that's fun to type!) 

The anemia would explain why I've been so tired lately. Anemia and staying up too late. Yeah, I'm going to bed now. Goodnight. 

Oh heavens to Betsy!

What a technological mess! The SIM card in my phone went wonky and I was unable to send or receive calls for most of last week. On Saturday my computer refused to allow me to log into Windows, so all I could do was look at the log in view or the error message saying I couldn't log in. Boring, and frustrating. So I used Superman's computer which didn't work so well either. He has some kind of malware advert infection preventing me from doing anything about posting here except to title the post. He has since fixed part of that, so I am writing this post now. Obviously. OH! and another thing, the Anonymous comments on this here bloggie thing have gone wild, so I just put a word verification step on the comments. Sheesh, what a mess.

I need to take my computer to the repair shop then take Diva to the repair shop doctor's office as she has been feeling poorly most of the weekend. I will post this short message now, and hopefully get back soon for something a bit more significant.

In which we discuss death, among other things

My son Twitch called me. Twitch, who has chronic depression. He called to tell me, among other things, that he hates tourists (he now lives in Charleston, SC, a popular tourist destination) but has told me previously that he loves living in Charleston. He told me he's sure he was born on the wrong planet. The universe made a mistake in placing him here. He hates his life. He wonders if there is a way to remove all the nose hairs from his nose without pain. Why? I ask him. Because they are bugging me, he says. Increase your pain tolerance. I recommend that he not use Nair™ in that sensitive mucous membrane. He wants to live in a place with a low cost of living and excellent public transportation and cultural opportunities. But not on this planet, evidently. It was a whine fest conversation. I said "I gave birth to you on this planet." I wanted to say more, something like STFU!, but all I could do was sigh. Then I hung up on him. I don't have the energy for that shit today.

Warning: I'm about to write about death and suicide. 
Before he called I read an article in The New Yorker by David Sedaris, written about his sister Tiffany's recent suicide. It's a very good article, but then we are talking about David Sedaris who is an excellent writer. Back to Twitch, who is dissatisfied with his life and has been for much of it. And David Sedaris' sister Tiffany who evidently was dissatisfied with her life. I have long feared that Twitch will take that exit ramp from life. Today my brain says to me "What if he does? How will that affect you?" Of course I would be ... what word describes an extreme form of upset? On the other hand, I'd know he was out of the misery of this life. Who was it said something like death is the greatest adventure? Some famous philosopher or something. I have often considered suicide myself, a few times seriously. It's something I think about, abstractly, often. Right now I have decided not to kill myself because I wonder what will happen in my life as I get older. What kind of old lady will I be? I have to live long enough to be an old lady to find out. How old is "old?" Well into my 70s, at least, and probably to my mid to late 80s. 90s? Maybe. Depends on how healthy I am.

While we're speaking of death, I'd like to discuss my father's death. I might have gone through this before in this venue, but I need to rehash it. He died on March 25th of this year. Too early, I thought. But now I think it was right on time. I believe that things happen for a reason most of the time. Also, there isn't anything I can do about it anyway. He's dead and nothing will change that. I miss him. I've been thinking of him more frequently of late. Daddy did not want to "linger" incapacitated and be a burden to his family. After he died I learned that he had begun to lose his mental faculties. He'd become increasingly forgetful in a senile dementia sort of way. His compromised heart and consequent decreased oxygen to the brain might have been a factor there. But it frustrated and frightened him, I know. No, he didn't tell me this, but I know him well enough. I just know. And now he's free of this world's limitations. I am happy for him, I guess. No one knows for sure what if anything comes after this life, but we like to think it's pleasant. If he's in a "better place" then good for him. As for the rest of us, we'll deal. What else is there to do?

I followed a link from a link in a link in an email to this site called Tunein. It's online radio, or something like it. I am currently listening to French programming. Programming in French, though I think not from France itself. If I remember correctly, it originates in Brussels, Belgium. It's talk radio, and I have no idea what they're talking about but it sounds really cool. I know a few French words, and catch some meaning here and there. In the last program the voices said "et cetera" a lot. A few programs ago some ladies were talking about Pre-zee-'dent O-ba-'ma. Right now they're playing some kind of new age-y music featuring lots of bells. Related quote: "New Agers might be whack, but they do make some nice music." - Superman. I'd like to learn French some day. Maybe when I am an old lady.

And speaking of whack, Diva. Let's entertain ourselves with another Diva story. Just today the child was telling us that we need to meet her boyfriend, get the embarrassment over with. Yeah, whatever. She was using Superman's phone to text the guy. Superman took his phone with him to run errands and the alleged boyfriend texted back. Superman asks who this is, and the guy got defensive saying something like wha' chu mean who am I? So Superman said it was his phone, his daughter had been texting. Yada yada, the point is that Diva was communicating with a much older guy (don't know how old) and had told him she was 20 years old (she'll be 16 in about six weeks) and in college, living by herself in her own house. Superman corrected the misinformation. The poor ersatz boyfriend was freaked out about being "played" like that, and assured Superman that he has absolutely no desire to be involved with anyone that young.

Why does she tell lies like that, string innocent people along, legally endangering them? She's whack, obviously, but really. Superman had a talk with her when he got home from running his errands. Then I fussed at her for a while. Don't know if it will make any difference. I asked her if she understands how she could have ruined his life if she'd followed through with her story and gotten physically involved with him. He'd be labeled a sex offender FOR LIFE and wouldn't be able to get much of a job, get housing in very many places, etc. Ruin his life, basically. She stared at me like I was yammering to the wind. Whack, I tell you. (OK, so obviously my word for the day is "whack.") Oh, she also gave him our address. This isn't the first time she'd done shit like this. A couple of years ago I answered a phone call from another guy in his 30s, if I recall correctly, who she was stringing along with lies of this nature. She'd given him our address, too. She has no sense.

Another Diva story, this one not so ... whack. She wanted to have a combination birthday/Halloween party, celebrate her b'day early because it's too cold in early December to have a party outside. The kids had a day off school Friday (teacher workday, end of grading period) so we did the party thing in the pavillion at the local Parks and Rec center. I made a cake. It looked awesome, and tasted so-so. I used box mixes of her desired flavors. I took pictures. (Long side note: I have a new-ish camera because my old one that I knew how to use got dunked with me in the river when I was canoeing with my brothers after my dad's non-funeral party. The new camera has a big square battery reminiscent of a cell phone battery. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to recharge it or replace it. Probably it's rechargeable, but I don't know how to do that. I took a few pictures on Friday before the camera lost power.) Due to the otherwise dark theme of this post, I won't add the pictures now. Also, I haven't downloaded them from the camera yet.

Game 4 of the (small, only North America) World Series is about to start, so I'm outa here. Cards ahead 2 games to 1 over the Red Sox. Boo-yah!

Isn't it lovely

It's a beautiful day! I love this weather. It's cool but not cold. We slept with the windows open last night as we have done most of this month, but last night is the first time I've felt like I needed a cover. The sheets were balled up at the foot of the bed and I was too asleep to get them, so I just snuggle with Superman and that worked well.

This morning we woke up gradually. I love doing that. It wasn't late, though we went to bed pretty late last night. I painted the shelf (I am painting a shelf that goes in the kitchen) for a bit, then showered. Once I was clean, dressed, and in my right mind, Superman and I went to our favorite pizza and beer restaurant. They serve brunch on Sundays. I had the Milk Stout curry chicken crepes. Oh, my, they were good! Last week we were there and discovered a new beer they have on tap, Wild Turkey Bourbon Barrel Stout. As long as they have that on tap I doubt I'll drink anything else. So good!

I am trying to make my kitchen look better. Though the kitchen has a few good characteristics, it is overall a pain in my arse. There is lots of counter space but it's in one long row. It's a long walk from where I do most of my food preparation to the refrigerator. And the walls have been ugly for a long time. Finally we are fixing that. Superman got the old wallpaper off the walls and I have painted them a cheerful yellow. Did I tell you about that? Don't remember if I've mentioned it. There's a narrow shelf along the wall in the narrow part of the kitchen. Superman built it as a pantry shelf, and it's wide enough to hold cans and small boxes. We hadn't finished the wood so it was bare, natural shelving boards. Superman had to take the shelf off the wall to remove the wallpaper, of course, and I painted the wall yellow-ish. But that narrow part of the kitchen doesn't get good light, and the yellow actually made the space seem darker for some reason. I don't know. Anyway, I decided to paint the shelves bright white before hanging them on the wall again. They are in the process of turning white. Right now the paint has to dry thoroughly before I can add the last coat. I hope it's the last coat.

Diva turns 16 the first week of December. Since December weather doesn't make for a very good outside party, she has decided to have a combination early birthday/Halloween party. That happens this Friday. She has done a lot for it already. There's still some cooking to do, as I told her that baking cookies three weeks in advance was not a good idea. The end of the school grading period is this week, and the kids get a day off school on Friday, so Diva has this party planned to take place this coming Friday in the Civic Center park. There is a fairly nice gazebo/pavilion thing there, and a couple of smaller picnic shelters in the park. We could reserve the large pavilion, which is way bigger than we need, for $100. Or we could show up and claim any of the shelters, even the pavilion, for free and for nothing on a first-come basis. Unless of course the large pavilion is already reserved, which I doubt it will be in the middle of Friday afternoon. The party is scheduled for 3:00, but of course we will need to get there early to set up. Diva has decorations she wants to put up; streamers, a banner, etc. No balloons as far as I know, but they might also make an appearance. Who knows what terrors lurk in the mind of that girl. So we'll do the birthday thing this Friday, and be off the hook for a big to-do in December. That suits me fine.

I don't really have anything to say. I've spent all this space, all these words, saying much nothing. Let's see if I can jot down a few other random thoughts.

• Oreo (the dog) has some powerfully smelly farts. 
• The water now runs cold from the cold water faucet. Our cold water has been warm for months now. 
• Autumn seasonal beers are my favorite of the seasonal stuff. 
• I've been drinking too much beer and eating too much not-good-for-me stuff that I've gained five pounds. Oops. Time to cut back.

Let's talk baseball for a few. Both of the league championship series are finished. We watched Boston Red Sox beat the Detroit Tigers last night to win the American League championship. It was an excellent game in which a grand slam home run featured prominently. I haven't seen a grand slam in a few years, and the Red Sox managed two of them in this championship series! I love watching good baseball. Late last week the St. Louis Cardinals won the National League series from the L.A. Dodgers. Since the Braves didn't make it far into the post season, and the Pittsburgh Pirates finked out early also, the Cardinals were my next choice for Nat'l League champs. So I'm happy. And I strongly preferred Boston over Detroit, so that's good. No baseball tonight, but the World Series starts Wednesday evening. I am excited about that. Perhaps I'll abstain from beer until then. My waistline would benefit. Beer and baseball go so well together, you see. 

And that's all the rambling I can think to ramble today. It feels a lot like naptime now, anyway, so there we go. 

The bitch is back

Wasn't that last post so nice and uplifting? Or something. This one is not like that one.

Diva is home from school today, suspended for the day. She only got one day this time, and only because she wouldn't go to the in-school suspension room yesterday. As I heard it, someone heard her say a cuss word in the cafeteria before school and reported her to the boogie man. She denies saying the cuss word. Yes, she said the sentence, but didn't put the cuss word in it that the witness claims was there. Knowing this child, I think she probably said the cuss word. Anyway, she feels wrongly accused, and refused to take the punishment. So she's home today to punish me. I hate this policy.

I'm trying to make her life miserable, though. OK, not completely, not specifically, not generally. I am, however, giving her chores to do and not acting very friendly. She's slamming stuff around, being aggressively angry toward stuff. Thankfully she isn't aggressive toward me. So far. She's pissing me off, though. I started the day pissed off simply because she is here instead of at school.

Coping strategies so far include surfing the web, writing this post, and eating two small dishes of chocolate pudding. In reserve I have drugs and booze. If it gets really bad I'll take my Ativan. If it's bad but not drug use bad, I'll drink a beer. Or two. Or three. Also, there may be a nap in my future.

Really uncomfortable cramps complicate the situation. Damn, I want to pinch her little head off. On the plus side, she swept and vacuumed the kitchen, living room, and halls. She did a mediocre job of it, but it's better than it was.

I avoid my problems by sleeping. When I get emotionally stressed I get very, very sleepy. This used to happen all the time in the earlier years of our marriage when we'd visit his parents. Being around his mother put me to sleep, and not because she is a boring person. She isn't boring, but her idea of interesting is my idea of stress. My least favorite mode of interesting is criticizing the son and daughter-in-law and/or their children. To make matters worse, her other grandchildren, the daughters of her daughter and son-in-law, are perfect. The now-ex- son-in-law got lots of criticism, though. I spell it s-t-r-e-s-s.

I don't like the way these sentences go together in the paragraphs. There are sentences that do not belong with the others, but I'm too sleepy to fix them. In a further example, this is an art thing. Or a failure thing. For the past few days (weeks?) I have started some project or other and been frustrated with the outcome. I have the idea in my head, but the process of producing it gets messed up somewhere. A simple circle in a square becomes a rat's nest. A stack of blocks becomes entangled in string that isn't supposed to be there. Perhaps I'm too focused on the process and not the product, so the process gets in the way.

Well, that last paragraph was helpful. Thank you. I feel a bit less strung up.

These are a few of my favorite things

I find great comfort in the sound of the school bus picking up my kids from the bus stop down the street of a morning. The sounds are the same in the afternoon when it drops them off, and I don't like it so much then.

I love a cool gentle breeze coming through my open windows. These open windows also bring me the sounds of the school bus and birds. I always like the sound of birds.

I also enjoy snuggling with my big black puppy. He sometimes snuggles up against my legs when I sleep, and he loves to lie on his back on the bed between Superman and me to get his chest and belly scratched. He works hard to be involved in any snuggling Superman and I try to accomplish. Sometimes he must be banished from the room for a while. I love my sweet puppy, but he isn't always welcome to join the "festivities."

Baseball is one of my favorite things. Major League Baseball (MLB) is currently in post-season playoffs for the division titles. My beautiful Braves eliminated themselves from further post-season action last night when they lost a heart breaking game to the Los Angeles Dodgers. It was, I suppose, a good game in general, but the ending was tragic, imho. The teams were tied at two runs apiece for a few innings, then the Braves scored, ahead of the Dodgers by one run. In the end, though, Dodgers got two more runs, beating the Braves 4-3.

In further National League play, I also watched the Pittsburgh Pirates lose to the St. Louis Cardinals in an extremely good game. I favor the Pirates, but only by a little bit. Since my Braves won't be playing either of them in the next playoff series, I don't care too much who wins. If the Braves had won their series against he Dodgers, I'd have liked to play the Pirates next. Now, it doesn't matter which wins this match, but whoever wins, I want them to beat the Dodgers to a theoretical bloody pulp in the next level of play. Lordy, if the Dodgers end up representing the National League in the World Series, I don't know who I'll favor. I disfavor the Dodgers.

In American League action, the Boston Red Sox and Tampa Bay Rays have had some excellent games, last night's being another example. I don't have a favorite there, either. I like both teams. On the other side of the country, the Oakland A's are playing Detroit Tigers. I don't like either of those teams, so I don't care who wins as long as that winner then loses to the Red Sox/Rays winner.

As much as I like watching baseball, it's kind of boring to write about it. I'm pretty sure you are bored reading this drivel. I'm putting myself to sleep here. The dog, napping peacefully beside me, lulls me to sleep, too. Perhaps it's time for a little rest.

Sunday again: ramblings and updates

Early Saturday morning I woke from a dream in which it was late Sunday. You know how reality is ephemeral when you begin to wake up? I didn't know what day it was.


I saw the doctor about my floater. It's nothing to worry about (probably) but he wants to see me in three months to check on it. He had his bright shine-in-my-eye light and what looked a bit like a jeweler's loupe that he used to see inside my eyeball. He saw the cat hair/spider in there and exclaimed "That's a big one!" (pause for snickering) He said it'll probably become less noticeable as time goes by. I'm glad I had it checked out. Also, he dilated my eyes. I have specifically put in a standing order for cloudy days when I must have my eyes dilated, but alas, that day was bright and sunny. I survived. The vision in my right eye (not the one with the big floater) has deteriorated again. Seems it's about as bad as the left eye now. Meh. I need new glasses.

Since Twitch moved out (to Charleston, where he now has a job!) my old office which was his bedroom is once again vacant. Light had that room before she left for college all those years ago. Six years it's been now! She painted half the room a dark and stormy blue, and it's been bothering me since I started using the room. So yesterday Superman and I painted over the dark with Kilz 2 primer.  Man that lightens up the space! Makes it seem bigger, more open. I haven't decided what color to use on that wall, but I'm looking into something very light. I want to use the room for sewing and crafts also, and the walls need to be light and close to neutral to prevent the wall color from influencing how I perceive the fabric colors. Gray, white, or beige don't do it for me, you know? So I think perhaps a pretty cream or maybe a very light blue. We'll see.

Interesting quotes seen on my Kindle:
"The unanswered in science is solution-ized with research." - from a book description. I didn't buy that book.
"If wishes were horses, that accounts for all this horse manure." - Barbara Morganroth, If Wishes Were Horses
"When whiskey talks it rarely counsels prudence." - Anthony McDonald, Matches in the Dark: 13 Tales of Gay Men

I woke up very early this morning, before 5 I think. Couldn't get back to sleep. Poor Superman had trouble getting to sleep in the first place, so he got up and read something boring to put him to sleep. Didn't work. When he came back to bed I sort of woke up. I don't know if got back to sleep then, or if I've been awake since then. Anyway, I'm very sleepy now. Think i'll take a morning nap.

Happy October

Man, time flies when I'm ignoring the internet. Didn't realize it had been so long since my last post.

I have a new floater in my eye. Left eye. Actually, this might be the first floater in my eye. No, I have a few tiny dust mote looking things in my eyes that I see occasionally. This one looks like a long fine cat hair, the kind of cat hair I find all over my house anyway, thanks to Smudge. Can cat hair be so ubiquitous it gets into one's eyeball? It's slightly left of center of my vision in my left eye. It wiggles occasionally, sometimes looking like a long legged spider, sometimes like a knot. It's very distracting. I called the eye doctor's office today, asked the nice lady on the phone if this was something I should be concerned about. She said "I'm not a doctor, but if it was me, I'd get it checked out." It's time for my complete checkup anyway, and she was able to get me in to see my doctor tomorrow morning, so there you have it. If it's anything critical, I'll be sure to post an update. If it's nothing to worry about, you probably won't hear from me about it.

Guess what!? Twitch got two jobs today! Both in food service. I don't know what he'll be doing. Working at Five Guys I guess he'll probably make sandwiches or whatever it is they serve there. The other place, and I can't remember the name of it, is a nice full service restaurant. Perhaps he's cooking or washing dishes. Personally I think it would be a bad idea for him to start out as a server. He's not much of a people person. I could be wrong, though. I hope he finds much success and makes a bunch of money.

Speaking of not being a people person, me. I was able to stay home four out of five days last week. Stayed home yesterday... wait, no I didn't. Went to Waffle House with Superman for breakfast then did a quick shopping trip to the grocery store. Was home shortly after 9, and stayed home the rest of the day. I was supposed to see my therapist this noon, but took a morning nap and overslept. OK, to be honest, I sort of did that on purpose. Not that I don't like seeing my therapist. I really really didn't want to go out in public today. Yeah, the agoraphobia is acting up again. I'll go to the eye doctor tomorrow morning, and pick Sproing up after school to take him to his therapy appointment. Perhaps I'll shop for groceries if I feel particularly brave. At Aldi, which is small, and during the workday/workweek is likely to be empty-ish. I hope. I should also get a haircut, but not sure about that. We'll see.

That's about all I got this time.

I'm surviving

OK, so I had a bad weekend. I don't know that things have gotten better, necessarily, but I'm handling it better. One of the problems I had last week was a severe lack of sleep. Have I slept better this week? Well, not necessarily, but when the shit has hit the fan, it's been a relatively small amount of shit and I've had sufficient sleep at that time.

Last night Sproing was being a little shit. He argues about everything. We cannot have a simple discussion without him turning it into an argument. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner, Superman was also there helping me and just being close (he's such a sweetheart!) and Sproing was arguing like a madman. It would have been funny if I hadn't been the target of his anger. I stuck it out, got a few hugs from Superman, and carried on. Maybe I'm partially detached from the whole shebang. That's how I survive. Some days it works, some days not so much. I got through it without any pharmaceutical or alcoholic assistance.

So I downloaded an interesting little book for my Kindle yesterday entitled How to Drive Your Family Crazy for Fun and Profit. It was one of the free books offered yesterday. I read it in half an hour or so. The author has some good things to say, much of it she learned from Al-Anon. She applies most of this to her siblings. I of course considered how I could apply the concepts to these teenage hangers-on, and the applications, though limited, are available. When I was reading the book I thought of you, Rox. I recommend it specifically for you. Her family reminded me of your descriptions of your extended family.

Returning to the subject of sleep: my sleep patterns are acting kinda menopausal. Most of this week I wake up around 3:30, give or take half an hour, and I'm HOT. Especially my feet. The soles of my feet get really hot sometimes. I can't get back to sleep while it's still dark, but get irresistibly sleepy around 8 or 9. Had some caffeine this morning (a little bit) so managed to avoid the morning nap, but got the runs instead. That'll keep me awake!

I also seem to be making my monthly quota of Facebork postings today. Usually I scan, "like" a status update, maybe make a comment or two, but don't post much. Sometimes I'll read an especially interesting (to me) article and post a link. Occasionally I'll share something really good. I rarely actually make status updates as such, but have today. As I write this paragraph I'm getting more and more bored. How can you read this boring crap? I obviously have nothing worth saying. At least in this paragraph.

One of the things I like about Facebook is that the first half of the word I type with my left hand, the second half with my right hand. That's what I like about the word "facebook." Really? Is this all I can find to talk about?

I had a dream yesterday during my morning nap. (Damn, that's pathetic.) Tom Hanks lived in my neighborhood, drove a red pickup truck, and dropped by my house to hang out. The neighborhood and house in the dream were nothing like where I actually live, save the brick on all the houses. My house was a two storey affair, but the stairs between the floors were somehow unavailable so I couldn't get from one floor to the other. A bunch of people came by for a party (so unlike me!) which we held in the basement rumpus room. We played bingo? Or something like that. There was a young man who was trying to act like Tom Hanks, but was only successful at being annoying. He was trying to charm me, make me fall in love with him. He thought he was second in line for my affections when Superman abdicated his role as my husband. Superman got angry at him, but don't remember if he decked the guy. The Tom Hanks/husband pretender was at the party and everyone else found him annoying. Also, all the other party guests were old folks in dowdy clothing. Damned dream has been invading my awake life for two days now. I'm ready to forget the thing.

That seems to be all I have to say today. I know I'm smarter and more interesting than this, but damned if I know how to access it today. Perhaps I'm rotting away, bit by bit.

Oh boy

It's bad again, peoples. Bad, bad, bad. I'm losing it.

Many of you will recognize the question "Are you in danger of hurting yourself or others?" I was thiiiiis close on Friday.

This is what I feel like:

(This is a sculpture by artist Bruno Walpoth. His works are shown here.)

Cracked. And not ready to appear in public.

Of course it's the kids. Both of them angered me on Friday. Sproing missed the bus because he's an idiot. As soon as I got back from taking him to school, the school called about Diva. Shit. Diva's pants were in violation of the dress code, and would I please bring some appropriate pants. Shit.

I looked in her room for some pants. O.M.G. What a stinking mess. After poking around for about 10 minutes in the stink (she'd wet the bed and not washed the sheets, and I found other wet sheets bunched up in a laundry basket) I discovered her pile of dirty clothes (but not pee-soaked) and retrieved a pair of jeans. Took them to the school, but had to wait. I was so tired. And angry. Hadn't gotten to sleep until 4 that morning with the help of pain-reliever-PM, so getting up at 7:55 to deal with Sproing ... was unpleasant. I wanted to be home, take a shower, and go back to sleep.

But no, Diva's grade principal wanted to see me first, but she was in a meeting. Shit. (The school has one head principal and a handful of vice principals, each VP in charge of discipline for one category of students.) Well, lots of things happened in the waiting process. I didn't want to see Diva, but was escorted to the counselor's office in which she was waiting. And scowling. She's good at scowling. And was wearing tight, tight leggings, black with gold lame leopard spots. Hideous.

When Diva left the office to change her pants, this counselor (not Diva's regular guy) informed me that Diva has anger issues, is racist, and hates the fact that I am white because she (Diva) is black. Yeah, duh, this I've been suffering for years. YEARS!!! Then Diva's assigned counselor showed up so we moved to his office. Nice guy. Diva feels comfortable talking to him.

Then the vice principal came in. By then I had learned that the principal wanted me to take Diva home because of her behavior. Seems that when Diva was offered a change of pants from the school's clothes closet, she went ballistic. I can picture it. I've seen her do it thousands of times. Scream and yell and cuss at the adults trying to help her. Bitch. Oh, get this: the lady who offered her the clothes, a Mrs. R, has told Diva that she's a brat. My kids have dealt with Mrs. R before. Or rather, Mrs. R has dealt with my kids. Diva told us about the "brat" comment yesterday evening when Superman had his computer opened. (My computer hasn't been on since the day I wrote the previous post.) He looked up the definition of "brat" and lo and behold, it describes Diva (and Sproing) to a T. So I told Diva it's the truth. Diva has also been called a bitch (not by the adults, not in front of her anyway) and that's true, too.

I implored the administrators to keep her at school. By then I was a blubbering mess, eyes and nose leaking all over the place. Counselors kept shoving boxes of tissue at me. I said that she'd already been suspended for three days and it's so early in the school year. She was at school for one day, Thursday, before they wanted me to take her home. So they said if she could behave herself the rest of the day she could stay. Thank the gods in heaven and hell that she did. Stay at school, that is. Because by then I was a hot mess. I was shaking, crying, not able to think clearly about much of anything. I was honestly afraid of what might happen if I took her home. Really. I had a very strong urge to hurt her very badly. Either hurt her or harm myself. It could have gone either way.

This is actually a kind of progress, maybe. See, in the past I've always turned my anger and grief inward, always aimed to hurt myself. That I want to do serious bodily harm to this brat/bitch is, I think, a good sign. In context, anyway.

So Diva stayed at school and I went home, crying all the way. Took an Ativan (1 mg) as soon as I got home, then showered. After half an hour I still was wound up tighter than a watch spring, so I took another Ativan. By then my dear boy C was home, and he sat on the bed beside me and talked me down, so to speak. I had my bedside clock on my chest, waiting for 15 more minutes to see if I needed another pill. I didn't, thanks in part to C.

I was at the school for over an hour. The whole shebang, starting with Sproing, lasted a little over two hours. I finally went to sleep sometime after 11:00 and slept until Superman got home around 5:00. I had to cry on him for a while. He fed me some supper and I took another Ativan. I needed it. I sort of watched the Phillies beat the Braves (and anne marie cheers!) in a drugged stupor (me, not the Braves) before falling into a deep sleep once again. Sleep is best. It's the closest I can get to dead without actually dying. Not that I'd mind dying, but other people would be very upset. So I just sleep.

All day yesterday (Saturday) I felt pretty fragile. The brats were bratty, but I stayed in my room and Superman dealt with them. I tried not to take another Ativan because they are very addictive. Some of the stress and shakiness I felt when I woke up yesterday was an after effect of the drug. So I waited. By the end of the day I needed another one, but I didn't take it. Had some pain-reliever-PM instead and slept pretty well last night. Had a weird dream about an arsonist in New York City and a deaf girl, but that's beside the point. Probably. (Freud and Jung might have a different opinion, but I don't care.)

Superman took both the brats to the skating rink last night to get them THE HELL out of my house for a while. I was asleep when they returned. (Oh, I tried to watch the Braves vs. Phillies game last night, but was too anxious to watch baseball. Baseball, y'all. The second most boring (maybe third if you count curling) sport on television! (Golf being the most boring.))

Curling in funny pants. Like golf: boring and the players wear funny pants.

To continue: When Superman got the kids home, he had a talk with each of them individually. He told me about it this morning. He told them it was their fault that I was going nutty, and that he did not want to put his wife into a psychiatric hospital due to them being such horrid children. And that if he heard either of them saying anything disrespectful to me, he would hurt them. Pain, he said. They were suitably intimidated. But that was last night. Who knows what they'll be like today. 

Diva got up and went to church with a friend, and Sproing spent the night with a neighborhood friend, so he's not home now either. Superman pretty much kicked Sproing out last night, knowing he'd go to his friend's house. Good enough for me. It will be interesting to see how long it takes the boy to come home today. It's just past noon now. 

Superman called my therapist last night. She talked to me for a while, I told her what all happened and how I feel. Asked her about psych units around here. The hospital in town closed its psych ward a few years ago, though there's talk of opening it up again. My therapist likes the one in Greenville, she said. Not that it's time for me to go there yet. Probably. She also said she is going to talk to a lawyer friend of hers on Monday about getting these kids deemed incorrigible, and perhaps they will be removed from the home on that count. I have my doubts. It's very difficult to get rid of one's nasty children. We've been trying for years. I don't have the strength to look for an alternative placement for them right now. Too traumatized. 

Today's post has been brought to you by the word Traumatized. 

Things I find interesting

I share "thoughts for today" with you occasionally. Many come from A.Word.A.Day. Today's Word.A.Day is honcho. Here, let me show you.

A.Word.A.Day

with Anu Garg
honcho

PRONUNCIATION:

(HAWN-choh) 

MEANING:

noun: One who is in charge of a situation; leader; boss.
verb tr.: To organize, manage, or lead a project, event, etc.

ETYMOLOGY:

From Japanese honcho, from hon (squad) + cho (chief). Earliest documented use: 1947.

USAGE:

“The three head honchos are the recipients of the Best CEO Award.”
Cool Heads and Calm Nerves at the Helm; The Business Times (Singapore); Aug 12, 2013.

Explore "honcho" in the Visual Thesaurus. 
A THOUGHT FOR TODAY:
You can out-distance that which is running after you, but not what is running inside you. -Rwandan proverb
And I've included the thought for today which I find to be very true.
Honcho, it turns out, is a Japanese word. Huh, that surprises me. I thought it was Spanish.

I am home with Diva today. She's behaving herself well. Yesterday she acted like a mean bitch, but today she's doing well so far. I've had her doing some work, though not a lot. I don't have the gumption to drive her harder right now. She's reading Elie Wiesel's Night in her English class. I have a copy, and my plan is to read to her from the book later in the afternoon. She doesn't read very well. I could have her read the book herself, but she will bitch about it (probably) and either won't do it, or will pretend to do it and not get anything out of it.

I read some of my favorite blogs today. It's been a while since I read most of these blogs. I love reading what sort of things my blog buddies are up to. Why don't I do it more often? Maybe it's the depression thing. Or perhaps it just takes too much time. Yeah, I've been sitting here for a couple of hours reading blogs when I could have (should have) been doing other useful things. I have stuff to accomplish today. Sitting on my fat ass reading blogs isn't one of them.

Twitch moved out!! We (Superman and I) drove him to Charleston on Saturday, left him in a cute little apartment with a couple of other young guys, friends of his. Operative word is "left." Not French gauche left, but abandoned left. "Left without him." Oh, it's good to have one fewer character living in this house. One of the things I want to accomplish today (this week) is to move the rest of his stuff out of the room he's been staying in and move MY stuff into it, to reclaim it as my office. This is a glorious thing. Though I think I'll paint it before it gets crowded up with my junk. What color? Don't know yet. We have LOTS of extra paint hanging around the house, cans we've used for other things. We have a lot of ugly green paint, and I don't want that. We also have some pink, some dark purple, and a few yellows. I'm thinking yellow would look nice in there. Maybe pink, but probably not. Pink can be nice, but it's easy to overdo the pink.

Superman is coming home for lunch soon, so I'm gonna get this posted and heat up some of the left over chili that's taking up room in my refrigerator.