Casting into the void --- is anyone there?

So I've been contemplating my worth recently.

I am undergoing therapy for a sexual assault that happened when I was in my early teens. I'm 54, almost 55. My therapist sees a lot of young children, too, and that breaks my heart. She says the little kids take to therapy much better than most adults. They're resilient and believe what they're told. She tells them the sexual assault is not their fault, and they just believe it. She tells me my experiences are not my fault and it's ... it doesn't make sense that I don't have some culpability in the scenario.

Winter is approaching. Summer is over. I'm thankful for that. As has been mentioned in this space previously (a lot) I don't fare well in the heat. It's cold enough to need a fire in the wood stove. I'm back in my bedroom with the door closed, so it's a good bit cooler here than in the living room. I'm comfortable in a short sleeve dress. Ahhh.

My sleep quality is poor these days because my obstructive sleep apnea has gotten worse. I had a sleep study last month that determined I need increased pressure on my CPAP machine. The doctor gave me a prescription for a new CPAP with the increased setting. The supplier has all the necessary information. Then they told me it'll be 3-5 weeks before I get my fucking CPAP. Bastids. I'm snoring through my current CPAP, having apnea episodes, waking up with a sore throat from snoring so hard, and I'm tired all the time. Speaking of which, it's almost time for a nap. I love naps.

A couple of years ago I lost a good bit of weight, around 60 pounds. Well, I've gained most of it back. I should get back to the gym. I need a new gym membership, though. I'm strongly considering the local YMCA. I looked into it a few months ago and found that membership fees for people over 55 are discounted. Since I'll be 55 in January I figure I'll wait until then. I also had the bright idea to do some yoga in the meantime, to get limber and possibly strengthen my core, or whatever. I visited the yoga studio, got the business card of the woman I need to talk to. But alas, I haven't taken it any further. Yet. Maybe after Thanksgiving.

I'm very good at procrastinating. It's one of my greatest talents. (Note that it's been nearly six months since my last post. I occasionally think of posting, then something else happens.)

Sproing was in the county jail for 5 blissfully drama-free months. It was a bogus arrest, though, and he didn't deserve to be there. He was there awaiting trial for a piddly little charge, and didn't get a court date for a ridiculously long time. He was charged with auto break-in and petty theft. He allegedly opened an unlocked car and took some loose change from the ashtray. Why anyone would leave their car unlocked in that neighborhood I do not know. (It's "the projects") The only thing they had on him was the testimony of one of his hoodlum friends, who probably did it himself, the little punk. Sproing says he didn't do it, and I believe him. Yeah, he's a liar, but he's been pretty honest about the crimes he's committed. And really, auto break-in and petty theft and they leave him to sit and wait for five months? Geez. He didn't get a trail, either. The solicitor's office assumed guilt and offered him pre-trial intervention (PTI), which costs $350 (which he doesn't have) and 40 hours of community service. He doesn't even mind the community service. And it'll be good for him. After the completion of the PTI his record will be expunged. All very well and good, but he didn't do the crime in the first place. Shit. The criminal "justice" system is fucked up.

Superman, Twitch, and I are going to visit my in-laws for Thanksgiving. This year Thanksgiving happens to fall on my father-in-law's birthday, so his kids have decided to make the whole thing into a birthday party instead. I mean, it'll be Thanksgiving with the whole feast thing, we'll just call it Grand Dad's birthday. It's cool. BUT, it's the in-laws. They are ... well, they have social and political and religious views that are different from mine. They also disapprove of cussing. I'm fucked. (Actually, last time I visited I managed to go three days without cussing in their presence once!!) My m-i-l voted for Trump. F-i-l voted third party. To their credit, neither of them likes Trump, but they preferred him to Hillary. I'm hoping for no political discussion. They have a lovely screened back porch to which I can escape if the discussion gets too uncomfortable.

And speaking of complicated discussions, they want to hear all about Light's new boyfriend. Yes, Light has a boyfriend. Superman and I visited them in late October. He's a wonderful fellow, about three years younger than Light's 27 years, will graduate from IUP next month with a dual degree in English and religious studies. That's what the in-laws will like. That he's from western Pennsylvania, not a plus to these southern rebels. Grand Dad dreads that his great-grandchildren will be Yankees. Yes. Really.

Here's the rest of the story. The religious study the bf concentrated on is Buddhism. Not protestant Christianity which is the only acceptable option in their opinion. We won't tell them that. The "boy" part of boyfriend is his gender identity which doesn't correspond to his DNA or body morphology. No unplanned pregnancies in this monogamous relationship! So no Yankee grandchildren unless they do the sperm donor thing. Which Light is considering. I'm thrilled that she's in love with a wonderful young transgender man. There's a lot we won't be telling the grandparents.

There's a cat sleeping on my arms, making it difficult to type. The whole nap idea seems more and more appealing.

I owe all of us this post

... not least because it's been a while.

Yes, I am faring better, generally. I'm very glad this new medicine (Abilify) is helping as well as it is, because Shit Happens. Diva shit, again, with a touch of Sproing drama.

It's hard for me to talk about because I'm so sick of it all, so sick of trying to maintain something that looks like sanity when all around me are nuckin' futts.

Let's see if I can zip through this. Last weekend Diva had permission to spend one night with her friend Morq. Friday night only. She got a ride to Morq's house in Abbeville. She said she'd be back Saturday, which indicated to us that she had a way to get home. But she didn't. We didn't hear from her on Saturday, but got a brief text giving us the phone number to her new phone. When we tried to call or text the phone we got no response. She still wasn't home on Monday morning, so after I established that she wasn't at school I called the police. A very nice officer came to the house and we discussed the situation. Between the time I called 911 and him arriving, Diva called. She was mad as hell that we hadn't gone to Abbeville to get her "like you were supposed to." First I'd heard of I-was-supposed-to.

Superman took time off from work to go get her. He lectured her a bit on the way home, so they were both in a foul mood when they got here. Then Superman gave her a chore to perform as punishment (scrape the walls in her room to remove all the extra paint she's put there with her notes and stuff). She went ballistic. "I ain't touching those G++ D~~m walls."  There were a couple of "fuck yous" sprinkled throughout. Then she started throwing stuff against the walls in her room, and throwing herself against the door. She weighs over 200 lbs, and is strong, so that's a mighty force against the door. After she finally calmed down Superman went back to work.

I was hiding in my bedroom. Twitch was doing the same in his room. We both heard her when she loudly said "I'm gonna cut myself." After a bit I wandered into the living room to check. She had my favorite paring knife and was pressing the blade against her arm. Just pressing, and not very hard. She ended up making three scratches that barely broke the skin. I asked her to give me the knife and she refused. Look, y'all, I'm sick of her games, you know? I went back to my room and called 911 again. This time I got three police officers and a two man team of EMS in an ambulance. If the Bitch wants to pull her shit with me I'm gonna call her bluff. The police took her to the emergency department at the hospital. I had to follow to sign forms to allow her to be treated, which I did. Then I left to go to my doctor's appointment. I had to tell my doctor that the new drugs are working pretty well, and oh by the way here's an example of the shit I'm managing.

The hospital psychiatrist kept Diva overnight for observation and evaluation. She got sprung on Tuesday just in time for her appointment with her therapist at the local mental health clinic. Since then she's been all sweetness and light. With her it's a dark light. Shrouded, you might say.

She and I had an interesting conversation this afternoon. She's been researching ways to be independent, to emancipate from the family. I'm all for it. She also has a boyfriend (who gave her a cell phone, so you know it's serious). Today she told me he's 23 years old. You know, I don't care. And I told her that as long as he treats her well I don't have a problem with him being that old. She says they've been talking about rings. What does that mean when she says it? I have no idea. But I volunteered the information that if she gets married she's automatically emancipated. She was shocked, thought I was fooling with her. Nope, it's the truth. Man oh man, wouldn't that be the thing, though? Get her married and out of here. She's 16, will be 17 in early December. Probably time for her to marry. Yep, I like that idea.

This afternoon I got a call from the assistant principal at the high school. Sproing has been suspended for two days. There's only six more full days and two half days until school is out. He's missing the two days before the end of course exams, which if he fails he fails the course. And they'll be doing review for the exams in those two days. It looks like he'll see 10th grade again next year. So will she, if things stay as they are with her grades and attendance records. Whatever. At 17 she's gone, her decision. I don't know about Sproing, though, whether he'll try to bolt at 17 or will wait another year. I haven't decided if I care.

Diva got her Depo shot yesterday - birth control that lasts three months. About six weeks ago she went in for the shot but told the doctor she wanted to take bc pills instead of getting the shot. I said as long as she takes the pills daily as she's supposed to, fine. But she didn't. So she's back on the shot (Phew!). They also ran some tests and she came up positive for chlamydia again. So another big dose of super powerful antibiotics for her. Her gonorrhea test was negative though, so that's good.

Let's change the subject. I'm doing all kinds of projects and shit now. I am in the middle of sewing a piratey shirt. You know, it's a piratey thing.

I finished a unique interpretation of a shirt pattern. I like it. Have I made a new skirt? No, but I need to. There are a few Simplicity patterns I want, dress and/or skirt patterns. Next week Simplicity patterns go on sale at the local Hancock fabric store. $1.99 per. I'm thrilled. :)

Speaking of Hancock fabrics, the local store is accepting applications. I've considered working there for years, and with my Abilify (or whatever is responsible for this new sense of purpose) I think I want to do it now. Superman says I should go for it because it would be good for me. Twitch told me I should so I could get out of the house because I hate it here. Boy, he's got my number, doesn't he? I thought about going over there to fill out the application today, but have decided to sleep on it another day and perhaps go tomorrow. Because I'm scared?? Maybe. I also think it'd be a good idea to sleep on it one more night. And there's a good sale on tomorrow. :-)

Enough for now. There are pictures in my phone that I want to share, but not this time.

A little bit more then lots of rambling

I took my computer to the repair place today. Probably won't hear anything until late tomorrow at the earliest. So here I am struggling along on Superman's laptop. I miss mine.

Diva saw the doctor. She's sick, but not with the flu. They did a nasal swab. Diva was all like "WTF?" when the nurse came at her with the long one-sided Qtip lookin' thing. I was good and didn't even laugh at her or nuthin'. She had a fever of 101 at the office. We didn't have a working thermometer so I wasn't sure what kind of fever she had. The doc prescribed a course of antibiotics for her. I feel sorry for the poor Diva. She obviously feels like shit. I picked up a new thermometer at the drug store when I got her medicine, and this evening her temp was 102. I gave her some Tylenol PM (the generic version) and she's sound asleep again. I got her some fruit juice and Gatorade and encourage her to drink a lot. Which means she'll wet the bed profusely, which sucks, but she needs to wash this ickiness out of her system.

Light has been in communication this weekend. She and her boyfriend have terminated their romantic relationship. Thing is, he moved into her apartment a few months ago and doesn't have anywhere else to go or enough money to get his own place. So now Light no longer lives with her boyfriend. Now she lives with a roommate who just happens to be her former boyfriend. She said they are on friendly terms, thankfully, which is the only way this roommate situation will work. I met the guy. I like him. But evidently they aren't good as sweethearts.

Light also told me that she'll be graduating either in May or August. I didn't realize she was graduating so soon. I'm so used to her being in Pennsylvania in school, it seems like that's where she belongs. I'm sure she is ever so ready to be done with school now, though.

While at the doctor's office with Diva this morning I got the results of my blood work. I had my annual physical last week with accompanying blood work. My cholesterol numbers are better, not that they were bad before. My glucose was a little bit high, but the nurse did an A1C check while I was there today (it was supposed to be part of the blood work, but didn't get ordered or something) and my A1C was only 5.5!! It's supposed to be less than 6.0, and a few years ago it was hovering at 6 or slightly above. My doctor had me coming in for blood pressure and A1C checkups every 4 months. When I changed my eating habits a couple of summers ago and started losing weight, my bp and A1C numbers went down. Duh. It's what the doc had been telling me to do for years! Last A1C about 4 or 5 months ago was 5.8 if I remember. Today was 5.5! Yay me! No, I am not diabetic. Doc says perhaps I'm pre-diabetic, whatever that means, but it is NOT "diabetus." With my numbers improving, it looks less and less like diabetes. So it's all good.


And now in interesting stuff from my inbox, I present a very expensive house. With what they're calling a "wrap around pool." Call me old fashioned, but to me, a wrap around pool is really a moat. I mean, what else could it be? Perhaps the moat doesn't encircle the palace house entirely, but in the olden castle days of yore not every moat completely circled the structure, right? Especially if there were geological structures that prevented bad guy access to the place, then the moat didn't need to go all the way around. Like for instance a cliff or very large rock beside the castle probably would work as well as a moat right there. So imagine this: a castle surrounded 25% by a steep cliff and 75% by a moat. Trust me, it'll work.

OK, this moat circles the castle. But not all moats did, right? 

Back to the more mundane. I have pictures to share. Not the ones of palaces and moats, but ones I took myself with my camera that I can't find the battery charger for. I can take the SD card out and load the pics to my computer.... wait, I don't have my computer. Shit. I also can't take any more pictures until I figure out how to charge the damn battery. If only I could find the box the camera came in. I bought it in April of this year after the disastrous canoe trip down the Juniper Run when I took my old camera swimming with me. Twitch was living here in my office, using my desk (OK, it's actually his old desk that I took over from him when he moved, but that's beside the point). So I doubt the camera stuff is in the bottom drawer of that desk, which is where I think it ought to be. Maybe it's on the little desk we moved into our bedroom when Twitch moved back home last December. That desk has accumulated a LOT of stuff on its surface. I'd show you a picture, but my camera isn't charged. Actually, I probably wouldn't because it's embarrassingly messy. Anyway, I might try excavating this little desk tomorrow and see if I can find the camera peripherals. Since I'm looking for the camera peripherals I probably won't find them. I'll find many other interesting and useful things, but not what I'm looking for. That's the way of the Java. 

But what I came to tell you is that I have pictures of the room we've been painting. This is the room that Twitch most recently occupied. It was my office before he moved home in December. It's meant to be a formal dining room in the overall design of the house.  We are tentatively planning to move our bed in there when we finish painting it so we can clean out our bedroom and do these major upgrades to the master suite. So right now I don't know what to call that room. Office/dining/bed/guest room? We painted it yellow above the chair rail and gray below. And I intend to put yellow vertical stripes on the yellow field. The yellow was supposed to be cream, but it's a bit yellower than the paint chip implied. Paint does that, I forgot. It's a pleasant yellow. Sproing says it looks like the color of Blue Bonnet Margarine. (I think that's the brand he indicated. We use dairy butter, so I'm not too familiar with margarine brands.) We have many partially empty cans of yellow paint from other projects, and I know there's a very light yellow that I hope works well against the not-cream margarine color. I've painted a test patch of the Blue Bonnet Yellow and need to get out my contrasting yellows to give it a try. My goal is a very faint contrast yellow on yellow, vertical stripes of approximately 12 inches. Coincidentally and conveniently, the paint stir sticks available for free at Lowe's are 12 inches long. Ain't that a treat? 

Superman and I were very efficient this weekend and got that room all painted. We'd done the priming a few weeks ago, just over the very dark blue/gray that was there before. When it was Light's room she painted half of it as a dark storm, the other half as a light blue sky with lighter blue or white sponged over the sky. We didn't need to prime the light parts. The dark bit needed three coats (maybe it was only two) of primer. The whole thing is yellow now and looks all kinds of solid. Nice. No light blue/dark blue bleeding through the yellow. 

It's late, I'm tired, and I don't know if this still makes any sense. Or if it made sense to begin with. 

OH, wait! I have more blood work news to relate. I'm anemic. My new doctor (actually a Physician's Assistant - PA) (because my old doctor, who wasn't old, retired this summer and I'm still in mourning over that) wants me to have a test... EGD? Yes! Thank you Google. It's an esophagogastroduodenoscopy. How cool is that!? I don't know how to pronounce it. Aka an upper G.I. endoscopy. I know how to pronounce that. Anyway, the PA, Jillian, wants to make sure I don't have any internal bleeding. I just had a "scopy" of the other end this summer, so that's been checked out. The procedure is scheduled for Wednesday the 6th. I'll need a driver, and can't eat anything for 5 hours preceding the procedure. (Alliteration, for those English majors out there.) But about the anemia thing, I've been cutting back on my meat consumption and I suspect I just haven't been getting enough iron in my diet. I'd much rather have to eat more leafy greens or take iron supplements than have internal bleeding or esophageal cancer, you know? I'll be sure to update you on this esophagogastroduodenoscopy, though. (Damn, that's fun to type!) 

The anemia would explain why I've been so tired lately. Anemia and staying up too late. Yeah, I'm going to bed now. Goodnight. 

A rambling Sunday

I just received a lecture from Twitch on how I should get out more. And I should spend less time on the computer. And that blogging has adversely affected my life. He says the computer is eating my soul. I replied that the cat is eating my soul, starting with my toes.

He's got a lot of damned gall. That's all I can say.

This coming Thursday is graduation day at the college he attended. Most of his friends are graduating then. Thursday is also the day Superman and I are leaving for Delaware, where we will participate in the exciting east coast blogger jamboree. (Spo has a lovely post about the upcoming Blog-o-rama, including a list of the blogs of the attendees.) Twitch really wants to go to Charlotte on Thursday but of course he has no car and can't drive, and we need for him to be here to supervise the Diva/Sproing chaos. Twitch is not happy about this. He suggested we call in a friend to stay with the kidlets, or farm them out until Friday. He supposes he can get one of his friends to bring him back to Greenwood, a 140 mile, three hour trip. I have my doubts. His idea is to ride up with us, since we'll be going through Charlotte on our way to the Mid Atlantic states.

But no, we don't have any resources to get someone else to stay here with the kids. We pretty much have no friends here. That isn't entirely true, but we don't go out much at all and haven't socialized with any of our old friends in a very long time. I can't just call up someone I've not talked to in over a year and say "hey, wanna come over and be subjected to terrible behavior from careless ungrateful teenagers?" Not gonna happen. As unpleasant as this is, he's gonna have to get used to it.

In other news, I got a call from Light this morning. She has a new boyfriend. Actually, I think this is her first boyfriend. She previously had a girlfriend, but they broke up a year or so ago. Last night was the first date with the boyfriend. It lasted until this morning. They talked a lot. He asked her to go steady with him (but not in those words). He is absolutely wonderful, so I was told. I'm very excited for her.

I'm more excited about this boyfriend than I was about the girlfriend. Although I liked the girl, I didn't think she was a good match for Light. I don't have a problem with her being partnered with a girl. At least I like to think it doesn't bother me. The way she talked about this boy, though, she's way more enthused than I ever heard her being about the girl. And being in a heterosexual relationship will probably be easier, socially, than if she were with another woman. Am I talking too much? Am I making excuses? I don't know. It's early yet. But I have a good gut feeling about this fella. I'm going to try to not overthink this thing. We'll see how things progress.

My dad goes into the hospital tomorrow to have a heart valve replaced with a pig part. He's going into the shop for a valve job. Do you remember (are you old enough?) when that guy got a heart transplant from a baboon? I think it was a baboon. It was a huge step in medical science. The guy lived for not very long. Maybe hours, maybe a couple of days. I'd look it up except I'm too lazy. Anyway, Daddy isn't having his entire heart replaced, only one of the valves in his heart. And the donor is a pig. We've been teasing that it's an Arkansas Razorback hog. He'll be yelling "PIG SOOIE" when he roots for his Florida Gators.


Today, 17 March 2013, is our 30th anniversary. Thirty years ago today Superman and I went down to the Fulton County courthouse and were married by the prison chaplain of the Fulton County prison system. It was a cold rainy day. I wore my favorite overalls. I still have them, they're saved in my cedar chest along with my wedding dress. We had one of those traditional wedding things a month later on the 16th of April where all the friends and relatives came and did that celebrate thing. We did that mainly for my Mama. I liked the St. Patrick's Day wedding better, though I have more pictures of the second one. Don't have any pics of the first one, actually.