Let's try to catch up

Once I go for so long without posting it's hard to know how or where to begin again.

The sun continues to rise and set every day, indicating that the earth is still turning. I am still here.

There is no plan for this post. Looks like more stream-of-consciousness ahead, though hopefully a bit more coherent than the last stream-o'-consciousness mess I wrote.

Most recently I spent three days in training to be a Hospice volunteer. That was interesting and gave me something to do with my time. And I met some new people, though very superficially. I will go for a one-on-one interview with the volunteer coordinator next week to discuss in what capacity I will volunteer. For direct patient involvement I could work in our Hospice House or go to the homes of Hospice patients. For home visits, the volunteer mainly sits with the patient and is there for companionship, and/or respite for the (usually family member) regular caregiver for up to four hours. Those who do it say it's wonderful. I could also work in the thrift store or do miscellaneous clerical duties in the office. I prefer direct interaction with patients. I'm leaning toward working at the in-patient Hospice House facility. We shall see. Updates as the situation warrants or I get my ass in gear to tell you.

I'm sure you are eager to hear about Diva and Sproing. Things are limping merrily along. No, of course not "merry." There seem to be fewer outbursts between them. She's settling in fairly well. Complains of being bored. Looks bored. We suggest activities which she rejects. I am not her entertainment coordinator. Ya' know, I remember doing the same thing to my Mama. "I'm bored. There's nothing to do." and she'd say "why don't you vacuum the floors or clean up your room?" (She hates to vacuum. My room was almost always a mess.) I'd whine at her and not do anything she suggested. The very fact that she suggested it made me not want to do it. Though I continued to complain to her about being bored. Damn, adolescents are annoying.

The Sproing is troublesome. He got sent home from school twice this week. Or maybe it was once this week and once last week. For bad behavior, of course. Being disruptive, disrespectful, hitting another student ("but I didn't hit him very hard!"). And according to him it's never his fault. His version of events does not match the teacher's or principal's line. He claims they are lying. He's a pain in the ass. And oh, how he argues! "I'm not arguing!" It drains all my energy.

Went on a date with Superman Thursday evening. I drank beer. It was OK. There is an independent pizza place that recently opened downtown. They have a fire-heated stone/brick oven and a large selection of craft beers. That's the only place I get beer, because I generally don't like beer. I'm trying to develop a taste for it. I like parts of the beers. Some of the beers. It's complicated. Anyway, the pizza was delicious as always, and the one beer I had relaxed me ever so slightly. The company was fantastic.

Light is home now, supposedly looking for a job. She pounded the pavement for a couple of days, but isn't doing much now. Guess I should light a fire under her lazy ass. Twitch is over half way finished with his school term. He'll be home for a couple of weeks, then go back for his summer term. Not sure when that will happen.

Both Light and Twitch got cars last weekend. Superman took them to an auto auction not far from where Twitch lives. Light got a 2000 Ford Windstar. It's gray and dumpy, and the a/c doesn't work. It's not in good shape, but not too bad either. It's currently in the shop. We shall see. The one they got for Twitch was a very bad move. It's a 97 Malibu. It barely runs. When it does, it belches black smoke. They should not have gotten him a car in the first place. He doesn't even have his drivers license, and no job, so no income to pay for insurance, car repairs, or gas and such. Superman regrets the decision. Twitch is now trying to sell it, though I don't know how well that will work. I'm trying to stay out of it. I don't know anything.

I went to the public library and got On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. It is a classic on the subject. She was a pioneer in modern treatment of terminal patients. I have wanted to read it for years. It was published a few years after I was born. Man oh man, is it ever dated! So much has improved since she did her initial research. She has written more recent books, but I haven't read those.

I finally finished a book this week. The Five Children and It by Edith Nesbit. It is a cute old children's story about "it," a psammead (made up creature, I think) who grants wishes to the children. Things always go wrong with the wishes. It isn't a particularly good or well-written story, but I read it completely because I am frustrated about the number of books I've started and not finished. So I finished that one, dammit. I don't know if I'll finish On Death and Dying, but that will be a conscious choice rather than laziness or whatever. It's such dated material and I can get the gist of her whole theory from any number of websites. I already know a lot of it anyway.

Last day of school for the kidlets is next Thursday, June 2nd. It's also C's birthday. I'm looking forward to C's birthday. I dread the younguns being out of school. I have a list of community resources for keeping them busy. There's a day camp on the other end of town that meets for about 6 hours every weekday throughout most of the summer, and entertains kids from age 9 or 10 to age 15. A lot of the summer day camp activities around here are for kids up to age 12, and both of my kids are 13. There are some interesting week long activities here and there. Some of this stuff is kinda pricey, but not too bad. The all summer thing is very reasonably priced, I think $40 per kid per week.

My butt is getting numb sitting here, so I'm gonna post this and go on.

Quote of the day

"Do not let yourselves be discouraged or embittered by the smallness of the success you are likely to achieve in trying to make life better. You certainly would not be able, in a single generation, to create an earthly paradise. Who could expect that? But, if you make life ever so little better, you will have done splendidly, and your lives will have been worthwhile."

-- Arnold Toynbee

Well, this is unexpected

Things with Diva are working out much better than I feared. So far. It is hard to trust her for the long term. She's been here just over a week, and since about Tuesday has been pretty normal. She wanted to ride the school bus on Monday, and I didn't think that was a good idea. We argued. Superman and I discussed it and decided to give her enough rope to hang herself. It actually turned out fine. She's been riding the bus morning and afternoon, and so far all is well.

Sproing always rides to school with Superman. The school and Superman's place of business are only a few tenths of a mile from each other. Last week Superman drove Manny (my beloved pickup truck) which bugs Sproing. He's 13, thus very image conscious. Manny is a hunk of junk and an embarrassment to the child. It amuses me. Anyhoo, with Diva on the bus and Sproing in the car, it gives each of them some time away from each other.

The worst part of Diva's homecoming so far (one of two, actually) is the way the two children get along with each other. They don't. He's having a real hard time with her being here. He's spoiled, I admit. That's part of the problem, but there's a lot more to it. He has been the only child in the household for a year now. He's inherently jealous and selfish, probably more so than most normal adolescents. The two of them have a stormy history. Many of the misdeeds that sent her to the psychiatric residential treatment facility (RTF) either directly affected Sproing or included him as co-perpetrator. He has some pretty serious psychological/emotional problems, as does she, but the two are different. It has been a challenge.

The other bad thing about Diva being here is her nocturnal enuresis. Bedwetting. At 13 years old, by god! I don't know if she does it on purpose or not. I don't know what the problem is. Does she just not care? Sometimes it seems so. I asked her if she wet the bed at the RTF, and she said not very often. What did they do? They woke her up a couple of times a night for her to use the bathroom. "They" with their 24 hour staff. Well, shit. Or perhaps she has some physical problem, or it's tied to her emotional disabilities. I don't know. She's going to our family physician for a check-up tomorrow (Monday) morning, and I intend to ask him about it. It's probably time to take her to the urologist again. We did that when she was about 5 or 6 years old. At the time, the urologist found nothing physically amiss. We shall see.

In other news, last week was crazy. Light had the opening reception for her senior art exhibit last Sunday afternoon. She graduates in six days!!! with a bachelor of fine arts in studio art, and this exhibit is a really big deal and a major requirement for graduation. She invited the family: my dad and stepmom, my mom, Superman's mom and dad, and Superman's brother and his wife. That's who all showed up. My parents-in-law didn't get here until Sunday evening, and Superman took Monday off from work and took them to the gallery at Light's college. They missed the opening reception (thank the gods!!) but saw the exhibit. We of course had Sproing and Diva with us, which was uncomfortable but nothing tragic. My dad kept Sproing pretty busy and away from Diva. My dad and Sproing get along well.

I had final exams early in the previous week, which week culminated in Diva coming home and my dad and stepmom coming to town on Friday. Saturday Superman, Diva and I went to Light's college for an award ceremony in which Light was honored with an award for completing the honors program. There was a lot more to the ceremony, but that was the only interesting part, of course. :) Then Superman, Light, and a few of her friends worked their collective butts off setting up her show. We came back to Greenwood, only to turn around the next morning and go back, this time with Sproing in tow. When we came back home Sunday evening we had my Mama with us. She had stayed in college town for a few days before, to be with Light and all, then came home with us to visit for a few days. She was in South Carolina for a week, flying in and out on consecutive Thursdays.

My dad and stepmom, particularly my stepmom, were annoying and rude. Not the whole time, especially not when they were with me. But they spent a lot of the day Saturday at our house with Sproing while the rest of us were with Light. My house is an awful mess, I admit, and I have some issues that need to be addressed. My stepmom was judgmental and obnoxious about the house, from what I heard. She didn't say anything to me, which makes it worse in a way. C and N were here, of course, because they live here. She was extremely rude to them, ignoring them when she wasn't giving them contemptuous stares. C tried to be polite to her, but she shunned him. Ooooooo!!! It makes me mad!

I mentioned it to my Mama, and she said they didn't like it that C and N live here, and she agrees with them. WTF? In the first place, what business is it of yours so fuck off. I kept my tone civil and asked why they felt that way. Mama said that part of it has to do with them taking up space in the house, and we don't have room for our own children because they are here. Oh, give me a break. My two youngest children each have a bedroom, and my college student children share the bedroom with their same-sex sibling on the few occasions when they are home. It's crowded, but it works.

I'm not sure what their other objections are to C and N being here, and I don't really care. I had a talk with Mama about a few things on Monday night, after I had a mini-breakdown. Monday was hard for me, but the discussion was good. It cleared the air. Among other things, I told her about how important C and N are to me, particularly C. We've been a part of each other's lives for five years now, and are very close. He understands me in ways that my husband doesn't. (Of course, my husband understands me in many ways that C doesn't!) Likewise, I know him very well. We speak the same emotional language, or something like that. Hell, his mother kicked him to the street when he came out, and I took him in. We have had many long intense discussions about deep stuff. He and I are each other's friend-therapists. He's my best girlfriend. It's a complicated relationship and difficult to define.

Anyway, when I explained to Mama that he is a source of comfort and otherwise very important to me, she understood a little bit better and wasn't as negative. Either that or she was humoring me, and I don't care which. She was, however, very nice to C and N the rest of the time she was here. She actually likes C. He's a likable guy.

Speaking of C and N, they gave me a Mother's Day card today. It was one of two cards I received. Sproing's social worker took him out to buy me a card last week, and that was sweet. C and N got me a nice card and wrote some very touching things to me. It even made Superman tear up a bit. (He's a big softy, though, so that's not a stretch.) Of the things I got, that was the most meaningful.

The rest of the Mother's Day report: I got a call from Twitch this morning. He was nice, we talked a bit, it was a good conversation, and it was short. These are the best kinds of phone conversations to have with Twitch. He's difficult to understand over the phone. He's a good guy. He's 20 years old now, and though a bit slow with the growing-up stuff, he is making excellent progress. He's OK.

I got a text message from Light. That amuses me. This is her week of final exams. She has a major paper due Monday afternoon. I was in the same situation two weeks ago, and I know the stress. I saw her Thursday afternoon (went to see her after I took Mama to the airport), and in casual conversation she told me how much she loves and appreciates me. It was special. And it wasn't on a greeting card or said on one particular day, so that makes it more meaningful in my estimation. Obligatory greetings are less so.

Sproing said nothing. He did the Mother's Day thing last week, so he was good. That also amuses me. He's a good kid.

Diva went with her daddy to the store this noon and got me a baby doll. Sounds kind of silly, perhaps, but it is meaningful to me. I like baby dolls, and she knows that, remembered that, and had a desire to get me something she knows I like. All in all it's pretty significant coming from her. She's the one who used to target the things I like in order to destroy them and hurt me. (Notice I said "used to." I hope that's all in the past. This is my worry, the thing about her which I don't quite trust.)

Oh, and I called my Mama. I bought her a few little practical gifts when she was here, nothing particularly special, but it was something. She likes gifts. And I called her around 11:00, after Twitch called me. Yes, his call reminded me that I needed to call my mother. This evening Light called Superman and reminded him to call his mother. Amusing, perhaps. Don't tell our mothers! Back on topic: I was the first of the siblings to call Mama. My two brothers and I have a running competition to see who calls her first on special days, or otherwise does the best tribute to her. Her birthday was last month. My brother Mike visited her and took her to lunch. I sent flowers. He was with her when she received the flowers, so I looked pretty good. He, however, was there in the flesh, took her to lunch, and spent time with her. He won the Good Son award for her birthday. I called first today, so I win today. He's going to do a late Mother's Day thing with her in two weeks, though, which will be better than my first call. I have lots of fun with this. Mike and I are in the running for Good Child more often than Jim is. He's not much of a talker, likes to keep to himself especially when he is under stress. He's a really good man, and has a lot of stress in his life. We love him just the same.

Lordy it's late! It is good to get back here and blather on about what has happened in my life recently. Now that the rush is over I hope to be back more frequently, both posting here and reading my favorite blogs. Since school started in January I haven't had much time for that. I miss you all. But now I'm going to bed.

A few thoughts on Mother's Day

Before I became a mother I desperately wanted to be a mother and receive all the praise and adoration (or whatever) that Hallmark advertises. When my children were younger Mother's Day was filled with horrible guilt about how I didn't measure up to the motherhood ideal. Those were bad times. Now it's just another day on the calendar. I don't really care. I appreciate my children's expressions of love, etc., but don't need it. I suspect my older son will forget to call me, and I'm OK with that. My younger son got me a card because his social worker took him to get one. My girls may or may not mark the occasion and I'm cool with that. My oldest daughter expresses her love and appreciation frequently throughout the year whenever it occurs to her to do so. My youngest daughter is caught up in being 13 years old and emotionally disturbed. I don't expect much.

I will try to remember to call my mother, but she was just here earlier this week and I bought her a few little practical gifts and made much about this being her Mother's Day celebration, all very tongue-in-cheek. We had fun with it.

All in all, I'm good.

And I owe this blog a big, long, rambling exposition of recent events. That is forthcoming, but I don't know when.