Thursday, July 31, 2008

On the other hand, Mama sometimes sends some good stuff

This was in my inbox today.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace. A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies , tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr ha fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Sappy Crap from Mama

Have I mentioned this before? My darling Mama likes to forward email to me. Sometimes she sends genuinely funny stuff. Most of the time it's sappy crap. Today's offering: sappy crap. (Bet you guessed that from the title of the post, huh?) Check this out-

Think about this for a minute...
If I happened to show up on your door step crying, Would you Care?
If I called you and asked you to pick me up because something Happened, Would you come?
If I had one day left, to live my life; Would you be part of That last day?
If I needed a shoulder to cry on, Would you give me Yours?

This is a test to see who your real friends are or If you are just some one to talk to you when they are bored .
... Life is lonely without FRIENDS.
It's 'world best friends week'. Who is your best friend? Send this to all Your good friends. Even me, if I am one of them. See how many you get back. If u get more than 3 then you really are a lovable person...

O M effing G! I left it almost exactly as I received it. It's hard for me to resist editing. But half the effect is the bad punctuation and poor word choices. I had to minimize that last bit because it's so lame, but I wanted to include it for reference to the pathetic.

But here's my point, and this is how I replied to Mama.

Think about this for a minute...
What do you know about me? What would I do in these situations?
If I happened to show up on your door step crying, Would you Care?
If I called you and asked you to pick me up because something Happened, Would you come?
If I had one day left, to live my life; Would you be part of That last day?
If I needed a shoulder to cry on, Would you give me Yours?
I do this for strangers! What would I do for friends? For family?! Yes, Mama, I will take care of you to the best of my ability.

I sorta kinda hoped she would get the message that I really don't need her to send me this kind of thing. I don't think she did. She replied within 5 minutes with "I knew I could depend on you! I love you too. "

Eh. Whatever makes her happy, I guess. I've certainly given her enough grief over the course of my life. I can humor her in this small way. And I really do love my Mama.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Blogger Validation

It being Monday, yesterday was of course Sunday. That happens all the time! I mention it because I want to tell you about my special day yesterday.

I got to meet Birdie yesterday!! It was wonderful! Especially in light of last week's unpleasantness it seemed particularly important to touch another blogger flesh to flesh. That sounds kinda kinky. It didn't go that far, really. It was a completely PG rated meeting (for language and adult themes.)

We talked about you. Were your ears burning? We compared notes, shared insights, traded favorite URLs that we didn't already have in common. It was almost geeky, the two of us sitting at this little table in the lobby of a hotel, both laptops open, peeking at each other's screens. (Do I really sound kinky tonight, or is that just my impression?) We laughed a lot. We talked a lot. We only had six hours together, but I could easily have kept talking to her for many, many more hours. I hope we get a chance to do that again. I have so much to say to her, and so much I want to hear from her.

There is digital photographic evidence of our meeting. I just don't have it. I forgot my camera. :(. The pictures are on her camera. When she sends them, I might post one.

Inasmuch as I am real (and Superman says I am very real) I can vouch for the reality of Birdie's existance. Birdie has met Joe, I have met Patrick, so I now have validation-once-removed for Joe, and Birdie has validation-once-removed for Patrick. By extension, Joe and Patrick are validated-twice-removed to each other. This is getting complicated.

It is good. The relationships I have made online are important to me. To make these connections in the physical world as well enhances the relationships. It is good.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Of life

I am going to tell you about a garden. Please picture in your mind what I try to relate.

It’s a large garden, planted mainly with flowers. There are a few trees, mostly ornamental yard-sized trees, nothing huge and towering. A well worn path meanders through the flower beds, almost like a maze. But unlike a maze the purpose of this path is to lead you to discovery, introducing new avenues to explore if you wish. You gaze at your surroundings. To the left, to the right, and up ahead you see a plethora of flora. What? Flowers mostly. Some on tall stalks swaying in the gentle breeze, waving their colors. Some in clumps and mounds, close to the ground, reaching out to tickle your toes with tendrils of green, or multicolored petals like brushes dipped in paint.

Choosing a path, you set out slowly, walking gently as you seek the rhythm of the place. Colors explode in your field of vision at every twist in the trail. The scent of fresh earth forms a base against which the unique smell of each plant reveals itself in concert with its neighbor. This is nice! The sunshine runs around the shadows of clouds above and the leaves of the taller plants. The light entices you to increase your pace.

And oh, the colors! You see lots of green, a lot of greens. Reds fade to pale pink on this stalk, but burst like fire over there. Did you know there were this many shades of yellow? Where does yellow become orange? It doesn’t matter, because it’s all so beautiful. There are dark colors on leaves and blooms, funny shades of gray and burgundy you didn’t expect to see on a plant. Blues and purples peep through buds, or splay large and lustily.

Some you like, some you don’t. “Well,” you think to yourself, “I suppose someone likes that strange looking thing, but I wouldn’t plant it in my garden.” Along the winding way you are distracted by a foul odor. That clump of decay is disgusting! Moving right along, you choose a path that looks and smells more promising.

Mostly it is a good place. You like it here. “I could spend a long time discovering the secrets of this place,” you think to yourself. There is enough variety to keep you interested and entertained.

As in all of life, there are detractors. Let’s call them weeds. What is a weed? I have heard it said that there are sixty definitions. For me, a weed is a plant out of place. ~Donald Culross Peattie. Possibly, but some of this stuff is obviously weed. The weeds seem almost as varied as the desirable elements.

Let’s look metaphorically at weeds. Let’s say for the sake of this discussion that among the many weeds here is one type of weed that is particularly deceptive. It looks quite beautiful. It grows rapidly and the breeze readily disperses the small seeds in a wide swath. However, we discover that the weed has an adverse effect on the plants beside it. It’s time to remove this weed.

The weed first entered this garden a while ago, so it has gotten into lots of places. Some of the specimens have grown large, and very close to some valuable flowers.

Removing weeds can be a tricky proposition. They should come out without uprooting other plants. The smaller stalks of this weed come up easily, and where the roots intertwine there isn’t a lot of shared space. The adjacent plants lose some ground, some nutrients, a bit of their foothold on the earth, but recovery is rapid.

In places where this weed has grown tall and strong the neighboring plants are deeply affected. As the weed is yanked from the ground it takes with it a sizeable chunk of dirt. In some instances the flower has spread its roots almost intimately within the roots of the weed. Sometimes the flowers lean on the weed for support, or a vine uses the seemingly stable stalk as a trellis. The valuable plant is left vulnerable, threatened, feeling deeply the loss of what should have been a strong companion.

I suppose some of the smaller, younger flowers will suffer much, depending on how close they were to the weed. This may affect their growth significantly. More mature plants will also suffer, of course depending on how much they relied on or were affected by the weed. The strong ones will quickly regain their stability, the additional access to air and sunlight compensating for the losses.

Tonight it will rain. At times soft and gentle, occasionally with bursts more forceful. Wind will whip the leaves against each other, moving the rain in and away from our garden. The water levels out the holes left by our weeding. The rich rains nourish the ground from which our plants absorb nutrients. The dust, the dirt, the detritus fallen on the flowers will wash away.

There will be tears of rain on some of the plants when the sun lights our garden in the morning. As the light and warmth increase, our tears will dry, our leaves stretch out, our buds will blossom. And life goes on.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I can't resist sharing this bit of spam

I know we recently reviewed my latest favorites from my spam folder, but I saw this tonight (it slipped past the filter and landed in my inbox) and, after reading the entire sentence, I couldn't resist sharing.
Malwin STERN to jason 11:54 PM
For 6 months and now my penis is immensely longer than federal.


Longer than federal? Not just longer, but immensely longer. That is the message in its entirety.


In other news, Shamanism is the newest trend in spirituality.
Yes, I said Shamanism. The helpful, spiritual sort of thing that can put you back in peace and harmony with the universe and make your wises and desires come to life...

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Quotes

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
-Winston Churchill

I am confident that given enough time and opportunity Sproing would be able to break a one foot cube of hardened steel, and claim it was an accident.
-my Superman, after watching the young boy break yet another kitchen implement

Progress

What is today, Wednesday? Right. Well, on Monday evening Superman and I had "the talk" with C and S. Knowing it would be stressful for them, I convened the meeting outside and suggested they get their cigarettes.

This of course is one of the issues. Did I show you this before? That's all their crap, and this isn't all of it. This is the front patio, right there in the front of the house. This isn't all of the mess, either. I told S a month ago to clean up the trash they'd left around the front stoop. Lots of fast food containers and stuff. He did. He put it in a plastic grocery bag and left the bag there on the grass beside the steps. AARRRRRRGGHHHHHH!

So we discussed the messiness and general lack of respect for persons and property. Superman told them it's going to stop. Now.

We also set up a payment schedule. That's where they pay us, not the other way around. We've put out a lot of time, effort, and cash on these guys over the past two years. I don't regret it at all. But it's time for some adjustments. Their rent of $50 is due the 21st of August, one month from Monday. On 21 September they will pay us $75, and in October, $100. At the end of October we will reevaluate the situation and see if we need to make changes. Superman and I will at that time decide if the rent keeps going up $25 each month. I didn't want to set things too solid too far ahead.

This is about growing up. This is about shouldering more responsibility and working toward independence. We are making these demands now because we love them. I have known ever since before Light was born that the duty of a parent is to work herself/himself out of a job. It is not healthy for young adults of C (20) and S(18)'s age to be so dependent on their families. C will be a junior when college starts in late August. He has a job now, but only works 2 days a week, and I don't think those are 8 hour shifts. He might have 8 to 12 hours of work each week. He wants more, but right now that's what the manager is giving him.

S dropped out of high school last fall, his senior year. He has had a couple of jobs, but nothing recently. The first job he quit, but I don't feel too bad about that. He was working fast food and his manager was treating him unfairly, not giving him the tools he needed to do his job and blessing him out because he didn't do it right. We aren't sure exactly why she singled him out for mistreatment. We suspect she disliked him because he was gay, white, or male. Any of those qualities, or maybe the combination, was very likely her excuse. Whatever. He quit.

The other job loss I fault him for. He was waiting tables at IHOP and was pushing the envelope of acceptable behavior, primarily in his non-working hours. He and his friends would hang out there when he wasn't on duty. It got ugly, and not only is he no longer working there, but he and C are banned from ever entering that store again. He's an idiot. He's a teenager.

For the past 6 months or more he has not worked or been in school. We've encouraged him to get his GED or go through adult ed and get a diploma. He pretends to work on the GED thing sometimes. He says if he had $50 for the registration, he'd go take the GED test now. But as for now he just lays around all day playing card games, goofing around on the computer, and sleeping. We told him Monday that he needs to work. Now. Quit pussy-footing around. Get out there and work to find a job. Because $50 is due in my hot little hand in 4 weeks!

They are falling behind in their payments to other creditors, too. The cell phone service was cut of Monday, C discovered during our conversation. They have a credit card (the fools) and are behind in that payment. C started to protest the rent idea, saying "Do you know how much we owe other people right now?" It was hard for me to do, but I was psyched for it. I said "It doesn't matter. That's what being a grown up is all about. Yes, it's hard. Make it work." He protested "Yes it does matter!!" No, you are missing my point. Yes, it is important for you to pay your debts. If things aren't working out financially right now then you need to change what you are doing. Get an additional job if you can't get the hours you need at the current job. He likes the job he's got, and doesn't want to leave it. He wants to work it more!! But maybe he'll have to get another. And S certainly needs to get off his ass and help make a living here. I suggested S readjust his standards about what kind of job he is willing to do.

The whole discussion went better than I had feared. I was calm, loving but firm. Superman kept his cool. Neither of the boys freaked out. C is the more responsible of the two, and he takes it more seriously than S does. He didn't get over emotional. S really needs to feel the heat on this one, to get motivated to break out if his sedentary ways. I'm not sure if he felt the fire.

I feel very good about the whole thing. Now we need to maintain our firm stance and follow through, all of us. Your prayers are welcome!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Directions

Go here immediately and watch the video clip. Seriously. I mean it.

Here's what it's about



"When we find ourselves believing that killing a man makes us more of a man but loving a man makes us less of a man, it's probably time to reexamine our criteria for manhood." Jay Smooth, from ill*doctrine.

Just found this on RG's blog. (NSFW) This guy sounds like he's got some good things to say. I haven't looked at anything else yet, I just found his site. I look forward to checking out more of his stuff though.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Cuteness, craftiness, and conjecture

What we have here is a picture of a smug little boy who is proud of his dimple. As well he should be. This dimple is a fairly new addition to the features of his mahogany face. I always thought dimples were there when a person is born. You are born with dimples or not. This is not always true, I have discovered.
This is the story of how Sproing got his new dimple. Sometime earlier this year, maybe 4-6 months ago, he and Diva were rough-housing in the living room. It wasn't a particularly friendly scuffle, if I recall. The boy fell (or was thrown) off the sofa and his cheek hit the corner of the coffee table. Big ouch. His cheek swelled up pretty badly. It probably bruised, but I've never been good at identifying a bruise on this boys skin. It's darker than it looks in this picture. His flesh has a reddish undertone, too, which camouflages a bruise. The cheek was swollen and sore for a couple of days, then got better.
A month or two after the injury I was talking to Sproing and noticed the dimple. I thought to myself "That's a cute dimple. I bet he was adorable with that dimple when he was a baby... Wait, I've had this boy since he was a 4 day old baby. This is a new dimple!"
And by now of course, being the charmer he is, he has learned how to incorporate the dimple into his charm show. As Grandma would say, "He's a caution!"

And guess what Superman is holding!?!? Yes, this is the new motor he bought to replace the old dead one in the air conditioner. He got it for about $85 at a supply place down the street. He says it's a better, more efficient motor than the one we had. If it works, I'm happy.
See the wires he's holding in his left hand? There are more wires on this motor than on the old one. Oops. He knows it will work, but isn't sure exactly how to wire it into the a/c unit. So I ask him, is Batman is available to assist? Well, Batman left for a week's vacation yesterday. (the yesterday of this conversation, which happened late last week)

However, all is not lost. Superman called on another of his very handy friends. (leave name suggestions in the comments) That's his fuzzy head up there^. I took this picture from the window in Diva's room. He and Superman worked to very good effect,
and got our a/c working again!!! Yes!! This fella is my He-ro for the weekend. That was Saturday. When we went to bed Saturday night it was much more comfortable in the house, though still a bit warm. This (Sunday) morning the house was blissfully cool.

On to other things

Diva and Sproing have been playing in the little wading pool I bought right after the a/c went out this last time. They have had a rollicking good time, mostly, when they aren't fighting and screeching horribly mean things to each other. I gave Light my camera so she could surreptitiously take some shots of them playing nicely.

I love the above shot. That's Diva's wet head you see, but that huge splash (good work, Light) is all Sproing's doing. Very impressive.
It's hard to tell what they are doing in this picture. They are having fun, playing nicely together, and not complaining to me, so I'm happy with it.
In other news
There's nothing new about this. This is how C and S have left our front stoop. These cigarette butts and the empty soda bottle have been here for a while now. The boys spend a lot of time avoiding the rest of us. It's been so hot this past week I think they spent a lot of time at the homes of other friends. I hardly ever see them anymore. When they are here they are either asleep in their room, or up playing cards, eating my food, and dirtying my kitchen when the rest of us are asleep.
Superman had a talk with them recently. Light's bedroom is right off the kitchen where they spend a lot of their time late at night (all night). Light is a light sleeper. (no pun intended, but it works, doesn't it?) Superman told the boys that there will be no more game playing in the kitchen at night. They need to keep diurnal hours when they are here. To my knowledge there have been no more overnight card games since.
He also talked to them about the food. As did I. They've been cooking our food and feeding their friends at night. No more. That has stopped. I also told S that (I may have mentioned this before. I forget) he is not to cook up any of our food, specifically the meat, unless he is fixing a meal for the entire family at regular meal times. You have to be specific with teenagers. They like to find loopholes. He's the kid who would cook a meal at 3 a.m., he and S eat it, and put the rest in the refrigerator (if he didn't leave it out on the counter). We may never notice that it's in the fridge. But he and S would come back and eat the leftovers. If confronted, he'd say "But it was in there for everyone. You should have gotten some. I didn't want it to go bad, so we just ate the leftovers." I can hear it now. Anyway, I tried to nip that one in the bud.
I sense they are getting restless and uncomfortable here. It's about time. S still doesn't have a job, but he's pretending to look for one. With him it's hard to know how serious he is. He's a charmer. He talks a good talk. His walk, however, stumbles and falls down. I've tried to encourage him. I've tried to be helpful. I think what might be the most helpful now is to give them a move-out date and let them suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune for themselvs. The longer we (I) coddle them, the more damage I do. It isn't helpful anymore. When they first came here over 2 years ago the situation was very different. Two years is a long time, a lot changes in the lives of young people between the ages of 17-20. S was 17 when he moved in here, and C was already here. For that matter, C was 17 when he moved in. OK, so maybe S was 16. No matter. C turned 20 in early June. They have both grown up a lot and are ready to handle a lot more responsibility.
What I'd really like to do instead of just giving them a move-out date is to begin charging rent (which as some of you have said, and probably most of you have thought, I should have been doing all along). We'll start out the first month at maybe $50. (I'm conjecturing here) The second month the rent will be $75. We will increase it by $25 each month. At some point it will be more cost effective for them to have their own place. This also might force the subject, give S the extra motivation to get a job. He isn't in school (dropped out of high school last year in his senior year) and doesn't have a job. We aren't doing him any favors by meeting all his room and boarding needs.
The next thing is to have this talk with them. I think I may be ready. If we can find them, pin them down long enough to listen...
Wish me luck!

Saturday, July 19, 2008

And now for something completely different



I found this on Em's blog today while I was catching up through some of her archives. Once I saw this I couldn't resist sharing it with you.

Friday, July 18, 2008

A rant against the quality of education in South Carolina

I have begun the process of applying to our local university. The admissions office sent me an email encouraging me to activate my personal admissions information page. I followed along, clicked links, etc. At one point I was prompted to chose the category that best applied to my situation. There wasn't one specifically for tired old ladies who want to add intellectual challenge and a change of direction to their lives, so this one was the next best thing.
Read carefully.
Transfer Interest Page
You have been studying at another college/university (possibly multiple colleges/universities). You are now interested in pursuing a degree at Lander University. Note: You don't want to loose the time investment at your other institution(s), so don't forget to discuss your credit history with a counselor.

Notice the word I have emphasized. I could be at loose ends, I could loose the chains that bind me, I might even be loosely associated with organized crime. But I don't think I have the power to loose time.
I have been accused of being too picky, being a grammar snob on occasion. It's a family thing. We all do it. I will admit that my spelling isn't always accurate. I try not to be too picky about things like this where it really doesn't matter. But please. This is on the website of a university within the state-wide university system. I expect more from them, even if it is South Carolina. How are we going to improve our reputation if we don't set higher standards of accuracy and good grammar especially within our institutions of higher learning?

Right now my situation has me living here. I'd rather not live in this city, in this state, but for now it is what it is. I strongly desire to go back to school. Lander U is conveniently located. But if I had my druthers, I would rather not matriculate at Lander University.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Fun family pictures

Here's our birthday girl! This is Light. She was born on this day 19 years ago, in the late afternoon. Ain't she sweet? Her daddy thinks she is mighty pretty, too. I don't disagree. :-)



Here are a couple of shots. Sproing took the picture that Diva is in, and Diva took the picture with Sproing in it. Simple, huh? But where's Twitch? Not in these pictures. He's inside poking at his ingrown toenail. I don't know.

Here's a shot of our bouncing baby Sproing. He is beginning to lose his patience with all this foolishness. Now it's time to take a picture of Diva.

Then we take a picture of the two of them standing beside each other. Oops! We lost the boy! He stormed off in a huff. Why? He felt slighted, or perhaps irritated, or maybe he was just impatient. With him, who knows?

How to survive a nervous breakdown, take two



My day is not this bad.

But it isn't too good, either. I felt so much better yesterday. I don't know what happened. Did I do too much? Or is this the nature of the beast?

Today is Light's 19th birthday. She is such an incredible young woman and a blessing to me. She is handling the household while I isolate myself. I want her to have a good day. I want to be able to carry my share of the burden and give her a break.

I slept through morning visiting hours this morning (7:30-8:30). When I got up at 8:30 I got dressed and went into the kitchen to make coffee and find some breakfast. I got the coffee started. That was my limit. Breakfast befuddled me. Dear darling Light toasted a bagel for me. I gave her my debit card and she went to the grocery store for some milk. Besides that and a small block of Havarti cheese I have no idea what else she got. The thing is, see, I trust her. I know I can send her to the store with my debit card and she won't buy 3 gallons of ice cream and the latest Playboy or Maxim magazine.

The younger ones have come in to hug me and whine at me. That challenges my stability but doesn't confuse me. I can very easily say "Tell your problems to Light or save them for Dad when he gets home." I give them hugs, scratch Sproing's back for a minute, then say "I'll see you later." This works. But I feel bad for not being able to do more, to help keep them out of Light's hair.

Here's a funny exchange from this morning. The setting: our kitchen. Players: Light, Sproing and Java.

Java to Light- Sproing asked me yesterday if I was going to bake a cake for your birthday today. Do you want one?

Light to Java- Only if you are up to it.

Java to Light- We'll see.

Sproing to Light- A white or a pink cake?? Do you want a pink cake?

Light to Sproing- Do I look like a pink cake kind of person??? (btw, she is definitely NOT a pink cake kind of person. She's a semi-butch bisexual who loves to wear black.)

Sproing- OK, a chocolate cake. But with white icing, OK?

Java to Sproing- It's her birthday. Don't you think she should have the kind of cake SHE wants?

The conversation broke down at this point. I suspect he isn't capable of considering anyone else's point of view. Either that or he got distracted by something shiny and/or had stood in one place as long as is possible for him. He's kinda frenetic.

Superman and I are taking Light out to eat this evening. She wants to go to the Crimson Crustacean. I might take my glasses off so I don't have to look at the clientele.

I was waiting in the drive-through line at the fast food place beside the Crimson Crustacean on Monday evening. From that vantage point I could clearly see the Crimson Crustacean parking lot. A rotund man who's age I approximate to be late 40s or early 50s left that fine establishment and waddled out to his car. He was wearing athletic shorts, a grungy t-shirt and a baseball cap. In this small town, that is one of our nicer restaurants. It disturbs me that people go in there dressed like that. I am fairly rotund myself, and am anything but a flashy dresser. But when I go out to a restaurant I clean up a bit. Maybe I'm being snobbish, but there you have it.

Think I'll go doodle for a while.

Have a nice day.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

So far, so good

I'm feeling a bit better. Saw the therapist today, told her about my Do Not Disturb sign and my visiting hours. She especially liked the visiting hours. I mentioned something about the time frame for all of this, and she said it's OK with her if I stay "insulated" like this until she gets back from vacation! I didn't realize she was going on vacation. Today was her last day of work pre-vacay. She'll be back in a week and a half. I don't know that I'll need that long, but it's nice to know she approves.

The visiting hours are going well. Sproing is the one who mostly needs Mama. We do lots of snuggling and back scratching during visiting hours. Sometimes he needs a Mama back-scratch fix mid day. But it's a quick verification, and he's on to bigger and badder things.

He and Diva have actually been very well behaved these last two days. Light took them to a movie yesterday morning. Today she took them to the park for a picnic. They have both spent a lot of time in the back yard swimming in the wading pool I got the other day.

As for me, I'm hanging on. I went to Wal-Mart after my visit with the therapist. I may have overdone it a bit, but not too bad. I was tired and uncomfortable (restless? nervous? cranky?) when I got home. I rested, blogged, read the newspaper, chatted with a friend. I feel better. As far as I know I don't need to go anywhere tomorrow. I'm going to try to just stay at home and chill.

My Mama sent this to me via email. She says this is the next hobby she's going to try. Hmm. I don't predict much success for the old gal. (Don't tell her I called her old. She's ONLY 71!)



Wouldn't you just love to have an outfit like that? Either one. Both are fabulous.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

How to survive a nervous breakdown, take one

There is a note taped to my door. It says

Do Not Disturb

I'm disturbed enough already

visiting hours

7:30-8:30 a.m., 6:30-8:00 p.m.
or by appointment or special decree



I explained everything to the best of my ability to Light this morning. Told her I'm trying to stay out of the hospital here, I need her help. I gave her some cash. She's going to take her siblings out to a movie and lunch today, and possibly to the park after that.

Then Twitch came in, I told him I need him to help out a lot because I'm not able to deal with anything right now. Explained that I am in the midst of a nervous breakdown and need to avoid stress. Get this: he asked me how long this will take. Will I be OK by 10:00 this morning? He wants to go to the mall for big sale at his favorite clothing store. Um, no dear. This is bigger than that. I had already arranged with Light to drop him off at the mall anyway, so he'll get what he wants. I even gave him a little money. How nice am I?

I explained the situation to each of the 10 yr olds separately. By the time I talked to Diva I was all in. Light was here with her, and I finally said to her "Do you know what I'm trying to say? I can't go through it again. Can you talk to her?" She's going to take care of it. I gave each of them big hugs, told 'em I love them. Maybe that will help some.

What I have done today for the good of my cause
  • Had some quick but good sex
  • Got dressed
  • Ate a good breakfast
  • Took Superman to work (all this before 7:30 mind you)
  • Got some cash from the ATM for the kids to use while they stay away today
  • Payed the (overdue) power bill
  • Stopped at the grocery store for a loaf of bread, some soda for the kids, and a pack of blueberry muffins for my second breakfast, to enjoy with coffee
  • Explained my situation/condition to the children then sent them away
  • Put the "Do Not Disturb" sign on my door
  • Am now listening to refreshing music with my headphone/ear buds. Sounds applied directly to the ears help muffle extraneous not-so-pleasant sounds

When I started to feel overwhelmed in the grocery store I went directly to check out. I got what I got. If we need more, someone else can get it.

I'm tired now. Nap time!

TTFN!

Monday, July 14, 2008

A "work-in"

I've been having a difficult time maintaining a semblance of sanity. It's been bad. I called my therapist's office to see if she could see me today. I had an appointment for tomorrow afternoon, but wasn't sure if I could hold it together that long. Lo and behold she had a cancellation and her 5:00 spot was free. So I went in and we talked for 2 hours. It was good. She helped me with perspective.

It's official. I am having a nervous breakdown. But that's OK, she says, because I've earned it.

Gawd I love that woman!

We briefly discussed hospitalization. I brought it up. She can do that if we need to, but she thinks I should first try insulating myself within the confines of my air conditioned nest. So right now that's the plan. The rest of "them" are supposed to leave me alone. We'll see how that goes.

I have another appointment Wednesday morning. She wants to lay eyes on me again, just to make sure things haven't ... um... gotten terminal?

Spam Gold!

The simple things in life give me much pleasure. Especially when my world seems to be crashing down around me, trying to snuff me out, these simple pleasures like fragile toothpicks hold back the crushing flotsam.

I've had some pretty boring spam recently. A few adverts for hook-up sites, miraculous ways to lose weight and make lots of money. Evidently I can stop smoking without stress finally and forever. Thankfully I never started smoking, so that problem is solved. There's been hardly anything offering to improve my sex life. Those, of course, are my favorites.

But today I got some good ones. There's this one:
Erectile dysfunction is a problem which can be solved with Erectifix. The powerful formula of Erectifix guarantees hard and easy to attain erection.

And FOUR different messages promising to make my penis bigger! I'm thrilled! I will discover a new and happy side of love. (Huh? It's pretty happy already. And I don't think they are talking about real love.) "It will be shipped quickly and discreetly and delivered just on time. Your life is going to change from then on. " How can I refuse?

the Fifteen meme

I have been tagged by the great Tigeryogiji for this Fifteen Meme.
Answer the 15 questions as honestly as you can.
Tag at least 5 people.
Link back to your ‘tagger.’

What did you want to be when you ‘grew up?’
My main desire was to be a mother. What the hell was I thinking??
What are you now?
A mother. Crazy. Not currently employed outside the home.
What fictional character did you identify with as a child?
In my teens, it was Goldie Hawn as Jill Tanner in the movie Butterflies are Free .
How about now?
Charlotte Doyle in the book The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle.
What is your ‘Gay Pride’ Song?
It's cliche, but I really like Cindy Lauper's True Colors.
What is your drag song (we ALL have one)?
the Rex tremendae from Mozart's Requiem Mass

It's the biggest, most bombastic thing I could think of on short notice. :)
Earliest memory?
Standing at the chain link fence overlooking The Swamp, the Florida Gator's football field, (then called Florida Field) on a chilly weekday morning, watching the marching band practice. I was 2.
Memory you’d like to forget?
The months of October, November, and December 1988, when I was in the first trimester of my first pregnancy and sick as a dog. Superman had been fired from his job, so we were living in my in-law's house with Superman's sister (my age, bride-to-be, polar opposite temperament) and his teenage brother (typical baby of the family, spoiled, selfish). It was a very bad autumn.
If you ran for a seat in political office, what would be your platform(s)?
One that's not too tall. I have bouts of vertigo, so it's best if I don't sit too high up.
Winehouse. Want her to succeed or are you over her?
Who?
The first person you thought you loved?
My older step-brother, Hal. Long, sordid story.
The first person you actually loved?
My concept of what love is has changed so much over the last 30 years. I think I might have actually loved Rohan, a guy I began dating my senior year in high school. We dated off and on until I met Superman. But when I look back at how I felt about him then, about our relationship, that wasn't what I now consider love.
The person you love now?
Eros? Romantic love? Superman. But I have a big heart full of lots of love for lots of people. "Love" is complicated.
If you could be, do, have, own, or possess anything you wanted, what would it be?
The ability and opportunity to travel wherever and whenever I want to.
Even if you are in love with someone right now, who are you/could you be crushing on right now? Timothy Olyphant. I think he has a very sexy smile.

I tag

Sage

Steven

Greg

Derek

RG

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Trying desperately to maintain mental health

I have had a difficult weekend. I am desperately grasping at those strategies they tell me are good for preventing me from going over the edge. I've been pretty close to the edge of insanity. Here's a list of positive things that I've done today.
  • took a shower, got cleaned up after 2 days of not bathing
  • listened to peaceful and/or powerful classical music
  • sorted the dirty clothes and washed a load of really smelly towels
  • got out of the house. I took Twitch and Sproing to the store to get a wading pool to soak in, a bag of ice, and some sodas. We're trying to beat the heat.
  • cooked supper so it was ready when Superman and the girls got home at 7 this evening
  • stated as clearly as I could to the boys that I was having a very bad day and they should cut me some slack, and that is wasn't their fault I was freaking out

This list leaves out the times I lost it with (specifically) Sproing. It doesn't include the moments I spent banging my head with my cell phone, or the screaming and tears scattered throughout the day. No, this is just a positive list. This is a list of stuff I did that I feel good about. See? There are some things from today that I feel good about. I'm gonna hold onto that thought.

On a lighter note-
Here's your word for today. It somehow seems like a useful word for most of my readers to know. :P
callipygian
PRONUNCIATION:(kal-uh-PIJ-ee-uhn)
MEANING:adjective: Having well-shaped buttocks.
ETYMOLOGY:From Greek calli- (beautiful) + pyge (buttocks).
USAGE:"And it hasn't been lost on modern film directors that a nice set of tights can showcase the callipygian assets of a well-formed leading man."Heroes in Hosiery; South China Morning Post (Hong Kong); Jul 20, 2006.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Whatever

Advisory: This is a long, rambling, and morose whine. I wrote it for catharsis, not necessarily for you to read. Read if you want, but it's a real downer and I don't recommend it.

Superman took the girls away for the weekend. They've gone to his parents' place for a family celebration, yada yada, I didn't go. Last year he took Sproing and a lovely time was had by all. I guess. This year he took Diva and Light. So the boys and I are here on our own until Sunday evening.

The ennui has morphed into a dark depression. Yesterday was incredibly thick. It was hard to move. Sproing wanted to go to the goat farm that I took Indigo to when he was here. He's been nagging me about it all week. Thursday I was extremely dizzy. I'd told him if I could, I'd take him to the goat farm on Friday.

I woke up without the dizzies on Friday so I took Sproing and Twitch out to the goat farm. I learned that they only make soaps with their goat milk. It isn't a big enough operation to be a full-fledged dairy, so no milk or cheese. The boys had a good time. I wondered around behind them, making sure Sproing didn't get into trouble. It took a lot of energy to think, to move, to talk to the boys. I was in a pea soup fog. We didn't stay long, but then there isn't all that much to see. They fed some crumbs to the catfish in the pond. That was the biggest thrill. Those catfish are big and ugly. Then we came home. I don't even know what happened the rest of the day. I know I was very sad. Just sad.

This morning it was worse. Sad. I had an email exchange with some of my cousin/brother/in-law relatives last night and this morning. Some of the girls want to do a cousins vacation in the spring. I was vaguely aware of this, but the two cousins who are actively organizing it finally got my email yesterday, so I only just got in on the deal. They want to vacation in or near Myrtle Beach, SC. Two of them are in Virginia, four are in Florida, and I'm in South Carolina. Myrtle Beach is about half way for everyone else.

Whatever. I don't like Myrtle Beach. I only went once, and probably saw the worst of the tourist trap area, but there is a lot of tourist trap nastiness. If that's where everyone else wants to go, good for them. My brother lives in Daytona Beach, which has the same sort of plastic atmosphere. One of my cousins lives in Virginia Beach. Again, same thing. So I compared Myrtle Beach to both of those towns and said if that's OK, then go for it. Then I suggested a couple of other places, one on the southern coast of North Carolina, the other in southern South Carolina. These places are less spoiled, smaller, more intimate and slower paced. I just wanted to offer an option in case anyone was interested.

I got an email from my brother's wife this morning. She took offense. She's the one that provided the cousins with my email address, so she says in her message to me (copied to all the cousins)
"I’m so glad I provided your email address to everyone so that you could bash the city I live in. [My brother] wants you to know that Daytona Beach is the only semi-permanent home for the London Symphony Orchestra with 20 years of bi-annual concert series, two broadway series perform full schedules in Daytona, The Peabody and the Oceanwalk Bandshell are historic landmarks, Daytona is home to at least 7 state parks, Ponce Inlet is a beautiful state seashore and home of the Ponce Inlet Lighthouse and Oak Hill is home to Mosquito Lagoon which is one of the most unique waterways in the nation. ...I’m proud of where I live."

Well shit.

This is my response; copy all:
"My dear cousins, It was never my intent to denigrate the fine cities which have grown up around these popular ocean front vacation destinations. I am aware that there is much cultural and historic significance in both Daytona Beach and Virginia Beach. Fine cities, both of them. You are all extremely lucky to be living in or close to such wonderful places.
Please accept my sincerest apologies."

When I was on my way home from Baltimore last month I stopped in Virginia Beach and stayed with my cousin S. She is a lovely woman, gracious, practical, talented, a joy to be with. While we were chatting I told her that I feel out of place among the cousins. I'm the oldest, my two brothers are also older than all the rest. I feel a generation removed from my youngest brother who is only 4 years my junior. They all identify more with the culture of the 80s or later. My middle brother, 2 years younger, likes the classic rock of the 70s, but that's about as old as he gets. Me, I actually identify more with the 60s and early 70s culture. I'm a throw back.

So I discussed this with cousin S. She couldn't believe I felt so out of it. She's never felt as if I was not a part of the group. She always looked up to me when we were kids, because I'm so much older than her. Makes a big difference when she's 7 and I'm 17. Not so much in the mid 30s and 40s. She's always liked me. That's nice.

But this whole exchange with my sister-in-law reinforces my feeling that I just don't fit in with the rest of the brothers and cousins and associated in-laws. I'm too strange. My social skills are defective. I hate this feeling. I wish I could disappear into the void and they would forget all about me. Like George Bailey, I wish I'd never been born.

Those are the details. I've been incredibly sad today. For a few hours this morning I sat here with tears streaming down my face. I cry very quietly. I told the boys I was sad, that it wasn't their fault, that I was just having a sad day. I think they were concerned about me, but didn't take it personally. I hope that's right. They have treated me rather delicately today, which is nice. I took a long nap in the middle of the day. Slept from around noon until 4:00. Felt a bit better after I woke up. I got up and fixed supper for Sproing and myself. Twitch had fed himself earlier. I felt better after food, too.

Talked to Superman this afternoon. I asked him when he's leaving to come home. It's a 5-6 hour drive. He said they are leaving after lunch. After LUNCH?? You mean you won't be home until evening? I'm dying here. You've been gone for 3 days. (He left Thursday morning). I'm having trouble keeping my shit together and you want to lolly-gag along, not get home until the very end of another day of hell for me??
Addendum: I didn't actually say that to him. I think I said "After lunch? That late? Well, whatever." with tears about to overflow the eyelids.
I know. It isn't fair. I've been leaving him here with all the kids for over a week all year. Three times since January. He's visiting his parents. He has the girls with him. They are having a wonderful time, from all accounts. Whatever. I'm confused now as to whether I should be upset or not. I'm depressed, and that screws up my sense about this stuff. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. I should call and apologise to him now.
More addendum and update: I did apologise. We exchanged a few cell phone text messages. He says he loves me. I believe him.

And the air conditioner quit working this morning. Again. My life is hell.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Having a bit of fun here [!!Excessively Verbose Post Warning!!]

en·nui [ on wee ]
noun
Definition:
boredom from lack of interest: weariness and dissatisfaction with life that results from a loss of interest or sense of excitement
[Mid-18th century. from French from Latin in odio (est) "(it is) hateful"]

I am having an amazing amount of fun with word definitions of late. I was recently reminded, through a very circuitous routing of trains of thought, of one of my favorite words. Ennui. It is such a useful word, really, especially to those of us who are prone to some degree of depression.

The favorite use of the word ennui from my cloudy memory is in Edward Gorey's poetic story The Gashlycrumb Tinies. The relevant line is "N is for Neville who died of ennui." This link to the story is a totally unauthorized excerpt, I must admit. But there it is.

But wait! There's more! I have a challenge for my readers. Those of you with blogs of your own please post an entry on your blog in which you use the word ennui in context within the entry. No fair writing "This weird blogger chick wants me to use the word ennui." That doesn't count.

Some days it doesn't take much to entertain me. Ur-Spo wrote about happiness on his blog recently. In my current ennui, being in the doldrums of summer, I am proud of myself for finding these snippets of happiness. Or am I creating the happiness? Recognizing it? Whatever. It works for me. That the air conditioner is working makes all this possible. Bless you, Saint Willis Haviland Carrier, the foundation of my he-ro worship.

If you take up the gauntlet of the ennui challenge, please indicate so in the comments of this post or send me an email. Thank you.





Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Five things meme

Al from Blue Alto tagged me with this meme, I dunno, a week or more ago? I finally got it processed. I hope Al likes the answers. He seemed to be curious. :)

What were you doing five years ago?

One morning early in the summer of 2003 I was reading the newspaper, as is my want. I was perusing the employment section of the want ads and found a notice that the local school district was looking for school bus drivers. I thought to myself "Hmmm, I've always wanted to learn how to drive a truck. A school bus is similar enough to a truck to do in a pinch. If I drove a school bus I'd have the same work schedule as my school-age children. This could be interesting." So I went to the transportation office and filled out an application. I was instructed to attend the week-long training class, which I did. I of course passed with flying colors. Most of July I spent hot, sticky mornings either riding the bus while others learned to drive it, or driving it myself. By the time school started the first week in August I had taken the driving test and received my Commercial Drivers' License with passenger endorsement.

Five Things On My "To Do" List for Today

  1. Go to my appointment with Dr. Shrink
  2. Reschedule Diva's appointment with her therapist
  3. Refrain from killing my children
  4. Mail a check to the a/c repairman
  5. Make sure the younger kids are in bed early enough so Superman and I can have some "alone time" before he gets too sleepy to do what needs to be done

Five Favorite Snacks

  1. Vanilla yogurt with frozen blueberries stirred throughout
  2. English muffins, toasted to golden brown, with orange marmalade
  3. Reese's Crispy Crunchy Bar
  4. Chocolate Malt milkshake
  5. Chocolate in general

Five Things I Would Do If I Was a Billionaire

  1. Sell this ugly house
  2. Move away from South Carolina, probably to the Northeast or Mid-Atlantic region
  3. Build a precision machining/manufacturing business for Superman
  4. Travel
  5. Philanthropize *

Five Bad Habits

  1. Stress eating
  2. Reading or blogging until way into the night when I should go to sleep
  3. Letting my grumpiness affect the people I live with
  4. Telling stories that include way too many details and digressions
  5. Pretending to listen to my children when I'm really reading blogs

What Are Five Places I Have Lived

  1. Daytona Beach, Florida (Don't remember it, though. I was born there but moved before I was 2 years old.)
  2. Gainesville, Florida
  3. Orlando, Florida
  4. Macon, Georgia
  5. New Bern, North Carolina

Five Jobs I Have Held

  1. Caregiver in an institution for the mentally disabled- They called it "retarded" back then. Florida had these facilities scattered throughout the state. I worked there the summer of 1980, toward the end of that era when the "retarded" were sent away to live in these places.
  2. Receptionist and repair scheduler in a TV repair shop
  3. Nanny
  4. Sales clerk, men's department at the Belk in Macon, GA (Christmas seasonal help)
  5. School bus driver

Five Favorite Items Of Clothes (Al's contribution to the meme)

  1. Butterfly print skirt
  2. That one sports bra that I wish I could find another one of (subtract points for poor grammar)
  3. Mobius apron (It probably deserves its own post)
  4. Really old yellow t-shirt, stained, holey, 2 sizes too big, received as a Christmas gift from my sister-in-law many years ago
  5. Purple knit nightgown, falling apart, probably 10 years old- Truly despicable

The only one I'm tagging is the happy retard, 'cause he asked for it.

* OMG!! Can you believe this is, like, a real word???

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Update on the a/c

I have a new He-ro for today. Superman finally called in a professional. I didn't even meet the guy. He came while I was out running errands. When I got home from the store (with ice, ice cream, freezer pops, etc. ) my he-ro had come and gone, leaving us with a working air conditioner. Well, working for now. We still need a new one. Hopefully this one will hang on for the rest of the interminably long summer.

In our next episode, Java posts a meme*. Tune in next [time period] for the exciting revelations this meme brings forth!

*Unless something else catches my attention and I feel compelled to post about it.

The summer doldrums

dol·drums
Pronunciation: \ˈdōl-drəmz, ˈdäl-, ˈdȯl-\
Function: noun plural
Etymology: probably akin to Old English dol foolish
Date: 1811
1: a spell of listlessness or despondency


2often capitalized : a part of the ocean near the equator abounding in calms, squalls, and light shifting winds

3: a state or period of inactivity, stagnation, or slump

Indigo went home yesterday; got home safely after a long and arduous journey. IIRC, it's almost 600 miles from here to there.


The day he left our air conditioner stopped working AGAIN. Superman bought me a small window unit for our bedroom. It's comfortable in here. This early in the morning it's almost bearable in the rest of the house. By early afternoon it'll be miserable out there.


I learned yesterday that our central a/c unit is 25 years old. I had no idea it was that old. We obviously need a new one. You know we don't have $2500 lying around. Superman is going to make some calls, talk to some people, try to get us a deal or something. It'll work out somehow. If I can stay in my one cool room I might be ok. But there is a lot of stuff I need to do out there. Sigh.


It's early July. The doldrums. July is a long month, followed by August which is another supernaturally long month. Between the two of them we are approximately 180 days from the brisk winds of autumn. Here in the doldrums we just plod along, getting nowhere. Shit happens, troubles build, tensions mount, verbs follow nouns. It is an ineffective time with no end in sight. This is not my favorite time of year.


I read an extremely good book some years ago called Carry On, Mr. Bowditch. I highly recommend it. It was the Newberry Award winner in 1956. The book has a nautical setting, which brings me to my point. In the book, our hero is on a masted sailing ship trapped in the doldrums. However, they do not sit waiting for the fickle winds to blow. No, they sail on an ash breeze.

I need to find my ash, get my ash working on the problems.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

A rollicking good time

Rollicking
SYLLABICATION: rol·lick·ing
ADJECTIVE: Carefree and high-spirited; boisterous: a rollicking celebration.

Just in case you were wondering, because I was. I wonder a lot, when given the time and freedom to do so.
We went on a little excursion mid-day on Saturday. It was loads of fun. Indigo is still here and we are enjoying our time together. I wanted to take him to this little goat farm because the child in him loves stuff like this. The same could be said of me. We took Light because she hasn't been to the farm in a while. We were going to take Diva and Sproing, but they were behaving badly, so we left them at home with Superman. He put them to work. Good for them! Here are some pictures I took of our fun at the farm.
The farm is primarily a goat dairy operation. They make products from the goat milk, too, like scented soaps. Indigo enjoyed petting these young billies.
Here he is with one of the milk goats. There were a few nanny goats in this stall along with three llamas!

Here is one of the llamas with the nanny goats in the barn stall.

Have you been looking for the perfect way to reuse that old workboot of yours? Make it into a house for birds. This was an unexpected sight in the tree beside the goat pasture.

Here is another interesting use for an old pair of boots.

There were a few other animals at the farm. The peacocks were particularly nice.

And here is another shot of a regal peacock perched atop the hay bale. Note the little goat nibbling at the hay there on the right.

This fellow had the longest tail of all the peacocks I saw.

Here is Indigo (Willow) enjoying the swings.

And here is Light having a lovely swing. She has a new very butch haircut.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Some days are like that

There is no reason, really. None that I can determine. I'm just sad. Terribly, miserably sad. Not even sad about anything specific, just sad.

There are little signs that inform me of depression's presence. This evening I was digging through the cabinet looking for a plastic food container and a lid to fit it. When I had the right lid but couldn't find the container I wanted, I nearly broke down in tears. Ta-da. This is a striking indication that I'm depressed.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The week is half over!

Time flies when you are busy or distracted.

Diva is doing much better. She still a bit tired and a lot cranky, but no longer in pain. She has strep throat, but the antibiotics are doing their job well. So far on one else has gotten sick! (Keep your fingers crossed, knock wood, whatever.)

Indigo comes to see us tomorrow! (Wednesday) He'll be driving into town sometime in the late afternoon. We are all thrilled about his visit. The house is a mess, of course. We've been working on it a little bit. I'm pretending not to stress about it.

There is a lot going on with a lot of elements in my life now. I'm tired and confused. I have nothing to say about it now, because I don't even know what to think. You might hear about it, but might not. With me one never knows.

Happy Wednesday to everyone!