Poetry and a bit of rambling

This needs to be said:

Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
Fain would I fathom thy nature specific.
Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
Strongly resembling a gem carbonaceous.

The internet tells me this poem is by John Raymond Carson

I saw the word "fain" in my A.Word.A.Day daily vocabulary email and recalled this poem. I had to look it up to get all the words right. Then of course I had to share it with you.

If you'd like a word every weekday in your mailbox, and I recommend it, subscribe at https://wordsmith.org/awad/subscribe.html 

One of my favorite parts of the Word.A.Day email is the "thought for today" which is a quote, usually from someone famous, sometimes having to do with world events, most frequently from someone who was born on said day. From last Thursday: 

We should not be simply fighting evil in the name of good, but struggling against the certainties of people who claim always to know where good and evil are to be found. -Tzvetan Todorov, philosopher (b. 1 Mar 1939) 

My goodness I sound like a commercial. Don't mean to! Honestly! 

I spent most of last week in western Pennsylvania with Light and her fiance. I sewed the sample dress to take up there for the fitting. So glad I did, too, because it is all wrong. I learned a lot about how NOT to put together this dress. Useful information, though somewhat frustrating.  I have all the materials I need to make a third sample dress, and that's my project for this week. I've barely begun, and right now I'm extremely tired. 

My lungs started feeling tight yesterday. I've been using my inhaler, so yay me. I have a bit of a cough; it's rough and unproductive. And oh lordy I'm so tired. When I finish this post I plan to take a nap. 

And since anything else I can think to tell you is too complicated to jot down quickly, I believe I'm finished. 

nighty-night

Happy things!

Greetings from Delaware! Yes, I am at the Bloggerpalooza II, 2014, and having a mostly marvelous time. It would be most marvelous if Superman could be here with me. Alas, we have these parental responsibilities that must be met, so Superman is at home with the naughty girl. I'm going to concentrate on the positives here, though.

It's great to see my blogger friends again. There are a few missing, and sorely missed. But there are also a few new folks here this year. I got to meet Sluggy, a.k.a. slugmama. She's a delight. I also met Pat, a friend of Ron's, and the Travel Penguin whom I'd never even heard of. Travel Penguin and his husband Jay came for tonight's (Saturday) banquet. A good time was had by all.

Alas, it is late. I am tired. There is much to do tomorrow, so I'll post a few pictures of tonight's festivities before I go to bed.

The cocktail bar area, pre-banquet

 The distribution of prizes

 Everyone besides those taking pictures are paying rapt attention.

Blogger - A - Thon

... or whatever we're calling it. Lordy, I've heard about as many terms for this meeting as there are bloggers attending.

We're in Delaware, Superman and I, meeting up with Ur-Spo and Harper's Keeper and Retired in Delaware and Jay in Virginia and Anne Marie in Philly and Cubby from Patently Queer and about as many more as I've just listed. It's very late, I've been drinking (not drunk, not even tipsy anymore), rode for 5 hours today and rode/drove 8 hours yesterday and I am so tired. But excited. But need to go to sleep.

And by "today" and "yesterday" I mean Friday and Thursday. Superman and I left South Carolina Thursday morning, drove to the Richmond, VA area to meet Jay. (I'll have links and shit tomorrow. Too tired/lazy tonight) We crashed at Jay's last night, then got up this morning, had some IHOP breakfast (but not the IHOP on Cox) and Jay drove (we rode) the scenic route to Delaware. It was beautiful. And it meant sitting in the car for a long time. I got a lot of knitting done. Or as VUBOQ says, I knat.

So far we have had loads of fun. Tomorrow (Saturday) promised even more fantastic fun. Perhaps I'll get online tomorrow before I'm as tired as I am now and perhaps write a post that's more clear than this rambling mess.

Having a marvelous time. Wish you were here.

General update and a quote

This was the quote in today's A.Word.A.Day offering. Is this significant to my life today?

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. -Peter Drucker, management consultant, professor, and writer (1909-2005)

I discovered a website of gay stories. I was up until, um... (shhh - 5:00 this morning)(don't tell Superman) ... pretty late reading one of the stories. It was good, sure. But why do I do this to myself? Why do I sabotage my health and sanity with behaviors like this?

Superman and I were just talking about the stress in our lives. Their names are Sproing, Diva, and Money. Oh, and the repairs and remodel "we" (mostly he) is/are doing on the house and yard. We want to move, but the house and yard need a lot of work to get it into sellable condition.

I'm really too tired to think about it much. I'd get too upset if I tried, so I'm going to ignore it for now. And go to bed early tonight (I hope!).

Superman says he feels like he's on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I had me another mini-breakdown Sunday after Sproing acted like... well, Sproing. I'm worried about Superman, though.

My brain isn't working well. Too tired. I will go to my Art History class in an hour, then meet with my academic advisor about finishing up my research project. We might be going in a different direction now, actually. I want to tell you about it, but I'm too tired. Briefly (really this time!) I'm looking into the possibility of starting a gay-lesbian-bi-transgender support group and/or community center for my course project. This may just be an empty exercise for the experience and a grade, or perhaps I will find enough support for the thing to really get off the ground. At any rate I'd like to start a PFLAG chapter. Of course there isn't one in Greenwood. According to the PFLAG website, there are five chapters in South Carolina: Greenville, Spartanburg, Columbia, Myrtle Beach, and Charleston. The closest to us is Greenville, about an hour north of Greenwood. I've been to that one a few times, but the travel distance precludes much involvement. We need one in Greenwood, imho.

And I'm rambling again. It's what I do when I'm tired. Also what I do when I'm not tired, but more so when I'm tired. Like now. This is a perfect example of rambling.

Oh, shut up Java. Post this thing and go to school already.

Home again

No pictures, not much to say.

Light signed her lease yesterday (Friday) before we left Indianapa. We drove all the way home, most of the trip through the rain. At times the rain was torrential and we crept along at 25-30 mph. Arrived home shortly after midnight after 14 hours on the road. My eyes were screaming to be released from their contact lenses.

I slept very well, but not nearly long enough. Woke up this morning, showered, had my favorite breakfast lovingly prepared by Superman. Now that I've checked my email and checked in here, I'm going back to bed.

Now midweek

...and I feel a bit better, like perhaps I'm on the downside of a tiny nervous breakdown. Still emotionally fragile, but I don't feel like I'm on the edge any longer.

Though I still haven't had The Conversation with that case worker/supervisor person I'm supposed to inform about our decision.

Diva called again tonight. I talked to her on the phone two nights ago, and briefly again tonight. She had an interesting bit of information for me tonight. She says she was involved in a "sexual incident" with another resident yesterday evening. No detail, but she called from the phone in the public area of her dorm. I missed a call from her therapist this afternoon, and I bet that's what it was about.

Interestingly enough (ironic? stupid?) I also received the notes from the latest treatment team meeting for the child which was held late last week. Her tentative release date is 5/2/11, and the psychiatrist has removed "borderline personality traits" from her diagnosis. Hello?? Inappropriate sexual behavior with another resident isn't borderline behavior?? Wrong again. Of course this happened after the treatment team meeting. Though there were many entries on the shift notes that she exhibited inappropriate boundary infractions with peers and staff. Sounds like borderline behavior to me. The doctor seems not to be keeping the best interest of my child in mind. I think he is being swayed by political and financial influences.

I'm tired. Very, very tired. Need more sleep and tired of "it all." I'm going to take a shower and go to bed. Just wanted to give you an update. Thank you for all your encouraging comments. You have no idea how much that means to me.

It's the end of the semester as I know it

I am so tired. Slept a long time last night/this morning. Didn't get up until almost noon, went to bed around 9 last night, I think.

Had some unpleasant interaction with Sproing last evening. He had a bad day at school, and was grumpy when he got home. I asked him if anything was wrong, did he have a bad day, is everything alright? He grunted some non-answer at me but wouldn't say anything more. Then he got more grumpy. He was taunting me and I was trying not to be drawn into his web. Things escalated. I got my feelings hurt, and cried. I don't like doing that with him. Mama tears are like hitting below the belt. If I'm going to fight, I want to fight fair. But the tears were an honest response to his behavior. It was a mess. We apologized after a cool-down period. Then they boy had a good talk with Superman about what was bothering him, and felt much better afterwards. I was still a nervous wreck, so I took a chill-pill (Ativan, I think it is) and went to bed early.

Had my last final exam yesterday morning. It wasn't an exam, as such, but a presentation of a project we'd been working on in teams. Adolescent development and things that parents should know about their adolescents. Then, amusingly, I came home and had a conflict with my 12 year old adolescent. Irony is a bitch.

Did some good art this semester. Was challenged, had fun. Really like my art prof. Cool short bald man.

Am so tired I'm having trouble writing this. Can't make the words do what I want them to do. Spend as much time correcting misspelled/typo words as writing the post itself. Time to go lie down. Will return.

checking in

I'm not dead yet. Tired, yes, but not dead.

Finished my last class of the semester yesterday. Next week is final exams. I should be sleeping right now, but I really want to touch base here. I miss my blog peeps.

Clay in my veins. Art animates me. Psychology tickles a different part of my brain/body/soul. My attentions are divided.

Don't want to celebrate Christmas this year. Did I say that last year? It's too late, I'm too tired to check the archives. I don't want to celebrate Christmas this year. Twitch asked me today what I want for Christmas. Nothing. Honestly. I've already gotten his gifts. Bought my Mama's gifts, had them wrapped and shipped by amazon.com. Did that shopping while I was on the phone with her when she told me what she wanted. L-O-V-E the internet.

Don't know what we're going to do with/about Diva at Christmas. NOT going to bring her home! Don't really want to visit her, either, but probably will.

OK, really, now is a bad time to think about all these things I should/want to/don't want to do. I'm too tired and stressed, which means I don't want to do anything. Maybe by next weekend I'll be more inclined to try to give a shit.

I'm at the ceramics studio right now. Recently put my mud away. Have been working here often, many projects due by the final exam time next Wednesday morning. It's 1:30 a.m. and I'm still in the ceramics studio. Going to shut down the 'puter now, go home, shower some of the stink and mud off of me, and go to sleep!

so, you see, it's complicated

Insanity - a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world. -RD Laing, psychiatrist and author (1927-1989)

Been feeling a bit crazy this week. I have been getting so much better over the past 6 to 9 months. There for a while I was functioning on a relatively high level of sanity.

Something slipped.

I'm not sure what happened exactly. I know when. I described/explained it here. But there's more than that. It's opened up the dark places. In some of my classes I'm being exposed to concepts and information that are bringing up some unresolved issues, or some such psychobabble.

And I wonder, do I need to go into the crazy to fix this? Is it even fixable, first of all? Can I act like a reasonably intelligent adult as I explore these uncomfortable events from my past? Or must I dredge through the mucky emotions, too?

Here's a possible connection. I recently bought some CDs of music that was significant in my life during one particular phase of adolescence. There was some shit happening with me then. It's possible that the tunes have reached something subliminal.

I'm rambling. I'm lost. Don't know how to proceed. I see my therapist tomorrow afternoon, and that is a very good thing. Maybe she can suggest some guidelines for this crock of shit.

Tired. Have no idea whether this mess makes any sense at all. Don't have enough gumption to care right now. I'll apologize later. In the meantime carry on with your lives, citizens.

After the Test

The test failed. I was trying to post from my BlackBerry. It didn't work. I could enter text into the "Title" field and into the "Labels" field, but not in the body of the message. So my body was empty. Whereas usually it is my mind that's empty.

The comments about masturbation have thoroughly entertained me. I had faith that you guys would come through on that one.

We're moving into deviance in the sexuality class. This week's discussion topic, edited for this venue:

What sexual behaviors might you deem to be normal that others might view as being abnormal? How have you evolved/changed in your view of sexual behavior?

For you I've edited out the restriction of keeping the discussion within reason and relevant to the scope of the class. This blog is beyond reason.

I have had two consecutive nights of 7+ hours of sleep, and yet I'm tired. When I got home this afternoon I went immediately to bed. I slept from 4 to 7, and slept hard. It's 9:45 now, and I've been sleepy/tired for almost an hour. At the beginning of this week I didn't sleep much, staying up until after 2 a.m. studying. Seems I would have caught up on the sleep by now, what with all the sleep I've gotten since Tuesday/Wednesday. I dunno.

Sproing has been in a very good mood this evening! He is so much fun to be with when he's pleasant.

I'm online tonight in order to research contemporary artists who work in pottery/ceramics. I'm getting so sleepy, though, that it's hard to concentrate. I'm going to bed. I'll try to do more bloggy stuff over the weekend, though I have a booskoodle studying to do.

Oh My Stars!

So tired! I spend all my time reading, it seems, or working on my ceramics stuff.

My laptop is messed up. It won't allow me on some of my favorite blogs, and inconsistently allows me to post. I'm at school in the computer lab right now. This place is irritating, but the connection speed is fantastic.

Some of the WordPress blogs won't load on my laptop. I need a good antivirus/malware scan. The school's student IT dept. made a good start on that, but whatever is wrong with my computer is no small thing. Here's my plan: I'm going to buy some new RAM for my 'puter. Her name is Shiba. She's a Toshiba, so, yeah, not very imaginative. Anyhow, she only has 1 GB of RAM (so they tell me). I got my loan money from the school yesterday, so after I deposit that in the bank I'll go buy me some RAM, baby! Then I'll get one of the better anti-malware/spyware/virus/whatever thingies and run that puppy through the system. After she's all cleaned up, I'm getting Windows 7, 'cause Vista is Ick. Perhaps after all that the damned box will work. I bought the latest upgrade of Microsoft Office, but haven't given it to Shiba in her delicate condition.

Tired! Let me tell you about tired. I have three lecture classes and one studio art class. The ceramics class is great, but I'm spending a LOT of time on it! I can't help it. I must. When I start on a piece I must do what it tells me to do. I spent 15-20 hours on my latest assignment last weekend, and still had a few hours worth of work to do for my other classes. Sleep? What's that?

I like my classes this term. Yes, I need to tell you about the sexuality class. I'll get to that shortly (I hope). I also have adolescent development, which is interesting but requires a lot of work. Psychometrics is about testing, and the development and administration of tests both psychological and otherwise. I'm supposed to have chapters 1-5 read for class tomorrow. I was supposed to have read through chapter 3 yesterday. I'm not quite finished with chapter 1. All of this stuff takes an amazing amount of time. I am glad to do the work, but it's hard to find enough time to do it all. And I'm not goofing off as much as I have in previous semesters.

Sproing demands a lot of time. He's having a hard time now that he's back in school. At school things are going well, I hear. But at home, it's unpredictable. He was on meds for his ADHD (Concerta, the time release stuff, at 38mg, IIRC). But at the end of the time release sequence in late afternoon he would crash. For approximately two hours he'd scream, cry, throw things, call us names, say that he hated us and we hated him, threaten to kill himself, etc. Loudly. Insistently. This happened 3 to 5 days a week. Superman finally took him to the emergency room Sunday evening. The doctor there told us to discontinue Concerta. For the past two evenings he's been moody, but not psychotic. I just don't know. And I don't know whether he's being able to hold it together enough at school now to do what he needs to do. We need to call the school and find out about that.

There are other things related to that, too. He was/is being bullied, and finally got the nerve to tell me about it. Some kid(s) have been punching him in the back while he kneels down to access his locker. The halls are crowded, and the posse of perps walks past quickly and punches him. He says he doesn't know who it is. Have I said this already? I may have posted something about this. I don't remember what I said or when I last posted. I have to go to class in 35 minutes and don't want to take the time to check my last post. Anyway, Superman had a confab with the principal. Yada yada and we'll look into it. Pisses me off. I'm going to write a letter. I really need to do that, in addition to the 5 or 6 chapters (or more) and other school assignments I need to do. I'm depressing myself here. Let's move on.

Sexual Behavior and Deviance, Psych 363. Professor: The New Guy (TNG). He makes use of the Internet portal thingy (it's called Blackboard, and I don't know how else to describe it) for class discussions and stuff. He posts a discussion question every week and we are all required to post an initial response to his question, backed up with references of scholarly works to support our points and stuff. Which is great, I like doing it, but it took me a couple of hours to research and write my response. I have more to say about the subject, too (surprise) and want to submit more info. This week's topic is two-fold:

a) In class a student brought up a question concerning lust and
imagination. The professor asks "Is imagination lust?" and refers to the context
of the class discussion, in which the student was referring to the Judeo/Christian
concept of sin.
2) "Another one of your peers brought [up the] topic of masturbation and
whether it is unnatural/natural. Based on Science, is it normal/abnormal? I know
some of you will want to integrate your belief system, but support it with
science. In addition, what is the reason that some individuals struggle with
masturbation?"

If I recall, I was the one who broached the masturbation topic. Anyway, I'd love to get your input on these topics if you'd care to share. The discussion thread closes tonight at midnight, and I am not going to add anything of what I hear from you guys to the class thread. I might add what else I wanted to say about the health benefits of masturbation, but other than that I probably won't say anything else about it on the class site.

Are you ready for a related rant? Here it comes, ready or not. My classmates are idiots!! With the exception of three or four, these students can't write. It's shit. Spelling is iffy, even though TNG specifically said to use spell-check. Worse than the spelling is the grammar. Painful. Word usage and sentence structure are foreign concepts to these fools. Many of them cannot form a logical line of reasoning. It is so frustrating to try to read though this drivel. I'm supposed to read everything to keep up abreast of the discussion, but Damn! I feel sorry for TNG, he has to read it in order to assign grades. These people are idiots. I know a lot of these students. Most of them are psychology majors in their junior or senior year. It's pathetic. This reflects poorly on the school. I am appalled.

Time to go play in the mud! I love my ceramics class!

Road Trip Log: the rest of the days

Total miles traveled: 3000, give or take a couple dozen. Really, it was quite close to 3000 miles. On the last day I messed up my trip odometer. I zeroed out the wrong one. The final day we drove 555 miles, and adding up what I did know to what I found out, I got 3003. If that doesn't make any sense, welcome to my life. With me most things are estimates. Let's just smile, nod, and say 3000 miles. Yes, it's time for another oil change.

Now where were we? I recently reported on days 7 and 8, so this will be days 9 and 10 of the trip, and the day or so of recovery. About the recovery, there was a lot of sleeping. I'm old and fat and out of shape. I can push myself for a while, but eventually I need to catch up on sleep. I slept a lot Saturday. We got home Thursday at 5:00 in the afternoon, right as Superman was coming home from work. Ah, it was so good to see him! He smells so husband-like, and feels warm and soft and fuzzy to hug. He's grown a beard and mustache since I started this road trip foolishness. He quit shaving when Sproing and I went to Florida, and has only shaved his neck and cheeks since then. He looks good with a beard and mustache, but his face fuzz is very coarse and it pokes me in the tender parts of my nose when we kiss. It's a challenge I'm willing to face.

Anyway, I mentioned Thursday and Saturday, but what about Friday? Wouldn't it make sense for me to rest on Friday? Yes, it would, but instead I did more driving. Light went to her college to participate in the graduate school graduation (as an usher-type person, not actually graduating). C had a chance to see his sweetheart in the Charlotte area. So I drove them to their respective rendezvous. Sproing went with, as he has been mommy-less for a long time. He and I had a fun lunch at Waffle House while C and Sweetie spent some time together. I was so tired, though! When we picked Light up later, she drove the rest of the way home and I napped in the backseat. Then Saturday I slept in late, got up for breakfast, caught up with my email (not been to most of the blogs yet, but I'm working on it), then took a very long nap. It wasn't all that late when I went to bed, either, and I slept until 9:30 this morning. I am beginning to feel better.

Wednesday, Day 9, was a really good day for me. C didn't enjoy it so much, but I don't care. We left Danvers and drove west on MA 114 for a while. We got on some interstate thing and tootled into New Hampshire. It was my first time in that state. We crossed into Vermont, my first time in that state, too. We drove local highways to Middlebury, then up US Hwy 7 to VT Hwy 17, and east to VT Hwy 116, where I turned around and went as far west on VT Hwy 17 as I could before leaving Vermont. I was particularly interested in that area because Superman is interested in that area. He is writing a story, a furry fan fic about a vixen named Wendy who lives in (an imaginary) large B&B just a couple of turns off of VT Hwy 17. So I checked out the area, took some pictures, and missed Superman like crazy. I wish he had been there! He knows the area geography very well, but has never been there himself. It's beautiful terrain, very rural, lots of hills and gorgeous vistas. C, who is a fool about some things, didn't appreciate it. He doesn't much care about the natural beauty of country roads or quaint seaside towns, and as such he's not a good photographer of these wondrous places. Greg thinks that C will wake up and get a clue about this in another 10 years. I hope so. For now, though, I don't have many good pictures of that sort of thing.

We ate at a quaint little restaurant/diner on the edge of western Vermont on Hwy 17. It is a few hundred feet from where the bridge across Lake Champlain used to be. There is no longer a bridge, but there is bridge building activity. Evidently the structural supports for the bridge were unsound, so they had to demolish the structure. There is now a ferry that transports travelers across the short span. The waterway is called Lake Champlain, but right there it looks more like a river to me. What do I know? I got to ride the ferry, and that was a lot of fun for me. C is a stick-in-the-mud. I got a picture of my fairy on the ferry. He was not amused. I was. Good for me!

I keep talking about all these pictures, but you haven't seen any yet. My plan is to post separate entries with the pictures. It's difficult to arrange pictures with text on the browser I use, ironically. I use Google Chrome to write my Google Blogger blog, but the photos don't want to go where I want them. So far I've downloaded most of the pictures, but the ones from the final two days are still in the camera. Soon, peeps, soon.

After crossing into New York on Wednesday afternoon, we hit the interstate and drove like mad women as far as we could. I had made reservations at a hotel in Chambersburg, PA. It looked like a good point from which to drive back to South Carolina in a day. We got to the hotel at 11:00 p.m., and left at 6:30 Thursday morning. Of all the places we stayed on our road trip, this was possibly the nicest. The Holid@y !nn in Taunton, MA was also very nice, but the hotel in Chambersburg was at least as nice, and much less expensive. It's also the place we spent the least amount of time. Whatevs. I would like to have stayed there all day Thursday and rested, but alas, I had told Light we'd try to get home before Friday so she could do the thing at school.

We drove hard Thursday. I was very tired. C took the wheel a couple of times. Driving conditions were good, he can drive pretty well, and I was dangerously tired. He drove, I snoozed. Then I drove and he snoozed. We traded places a couple more times, snoozing or driving, but not both at the same time. Every time we stopped for gas/food/bathroom breaks it was hotter and muggier than the stop before. We got off I-77 at the southernmost exit in Virginia. Wow. We were in The South (TM) again, by God! The heat and the hicks were thick as Grandma's peach cobbler. I wanted to turn around and run back north, but alas, t'was time to go home. There isn't much to report about Thursday. All I remember is being very, very tired and driving many, many miles. And I've already told you about arriving home to Superman, the best part of the day by far.

I can't think of anything else to report about this road trip. I'll start working on the picture posts now. Stay tuned.

Miscellany

• I ate "Pop Rocks" candy for the first time today. Freaky.
• There's a nagging feeling haunting me today, a feeling that I should be studying.
• I have been extremely tired today. I slept for about 9 hours last night, was up for 2 hours, then took a 5 hour nap. I'm still sluggish.
• I missed watching the Braves game this afternoon. Slept right through it. I see that they beat Houston 7 to 1.
• I'm getting psyched up to cut my hair. I got some pictures of the long stuff yesterday. This process is turning into something of a ritual.
• I survived the visit with Diva yesterday. It was actually almost nice. She behaved herself well. We bought her a bunch of clothes and two pairs of shoes. (two pair of shoes? pairs? Which is correct?) Then took her to see the new M!ley Cyr*s movie, the name of which I've conveniently forgotten. It's a great movie for its intended audience. I suffered through it. Greg K!nnear was good, but he had sh!t to work with, so there you have it.
• We go back to see The Diva on Thursday for a therapy team meeting. This will be the working visit, whereas yesterday was (allegedly) for fun.
• Oh, and they're talking about letting her come home for Mother's Day. That's next weekend, btw. (Get your cards in the mail to your mamas!) What a treat. (hear the dripping sarcasm)
• Have I ever mentioned how I feel about Mother's Day? I'm ok with it as far as honoring my mom and MIL, etc. I send a card and am done with it. I am, however, very uncomfortable being on the "mother" end of it. It's such a contrived pile of dung. Gonna try not to get too worked up about it this year, and let my young'uns do whatever it is they feel comfortable with. I'll smile and appreciate their intentions. If any of them forgets entirely, I'll be happy with that, too.
• My dad called a couple of weeks ago and spoke briefly with Superman. He told Superman to tell me to send him emails more frequently, updating him on the goings-on around here. The whole thing is just weird. I was here when he called, but in a different part of the house. When I heard that my dad was on the phone, I asked if he wanted to talk to me. Then Superman hung up and gave me the message. WTF? My dad is ... my dad. There's a big WTF factor involved.
• I'm losing life points, as Sproing used to say. Getting really tired again. It's that kind of day. I do this every so often, have a day when I sleep a lot. I try not to fight it. If I'm this tired, I need the rest. As long as it doesn't happen often, I'm not worried about it.
• That's about all I know right now. Further updates as the situation warrants.

Rush toward the end - with updates!

I'm so tired. So very, very tired. I slept a lot yesterday. I skipped my Friday morning class, stayed home and took a nap. It was my second nap. I took a third one later. And I was tired and ready for bed at 9:00, though I stayed up for a couple hours more. I felt rested when I got up this morning, but it's 3:00 now and I'm desperately tired again.

I am also very dizzy. I noticed it last night. As I rolled over in bed during the night my head kept turning after I stopped. And no, I hadn't been drinking. It was pretty dizzifying getting out of bed today, too. I almost fell backwards out of the shower this morning. I have felt dizzy all day long, even while sitting still at my desk.

It's nearly the end of the semester, and I have some significantly important assignments to finish on or before Wednesday. Or Tuesday. Or something. It's frightening to think about. I have a paper due in my film class. It is almost finished, I've been working on it this mid-day. All I have left is the summary analysis. I like that term. It's a summative evaluation and prescriptive analysis, as described by the instructor. It's spinning bullshit, mostly. Tedious, but not overly difficult.

The real difficult one is my article for psych research methods. I'm nervous about it because I'm woefully unprepared. I have what I need, but haven't read it. It's due at 3:30 Wednesday afternoon. I have to read 5 or 6 other scholarly journal articles (thick boring things, even though the subject is mildly interesting). Then I have to write mine.

There's also the 4th exam and the final exam, two different beasts, for psych research. I did well on the 3rd exam, but the stuff since then has me a bit confounded. I almost understand it. It makes sense when the prof describes it in class, and if I go slowly I can explain it. But give me an hour or so doing something else and I lose most of my grasp on the subject. I really need to work over the examples and study my notes. I have what I think is good material to study, but I haven't done that yet. I've been doing other school related things, or sleeping. I'm so tired.

Oh, and yesterday (December 4th) was Diva's birthday. She's 12 now. She thinks she's hot shit, but then she always has. Superman and I took her out to dinner to the Crimson Crustacean. It was as loverly as usual. I got her a doll that really poops and pees! Now I think Superman is mad at me. I know he's mad at Diva. She's been feeding her doll the non-food glop that came with it, and it runs out the doll's poop shoot, requiring a change of diaper. Well, the damned doll only came with two disposable diapers, and now the child is using up all the kitchen towels to catch the mess. He went to get a towel out of the drawer to use, you know, for some authentic need in the kitchen. But alas, there were none. She's got them strewn all over the house with wet doll mess all over 'em. Yeah, well.

He bought her the Miley Cyrus Movie DVD. Ugh. She watched it last night, but I was cloistered in my office and didn't have to suffer through any of it.

So Java, what happened to Diva when she was suspended from school last week? Oh, yes, I made her life difficult. I took the DVD player and locked it in my office, and disconnected the cable from the TV in the living room. I keep my office door locked when I'm not in here, and the only other TV with cable is in our bedroom, which also remains locked when we aren't here. Diva had a long list of household chores to do, most of which she did. Among other things she swept the whole house and mopped the kitchen, folded and put away a bunch of clothes. She did two math lessons from an older Grade 5/6 math textbook I have, and studied a literature passage (short, only two small paragraphs) and did some exercises with that. She also read a newspaper article and answered a bunch of questions about it. And I wasn't particularly nice to her. I don't think I was cruel, mostly, but I wasn't friendly.

When I took her back to school on Thursday we had to go in for a brief conference with the assistant principal. The woman took one look at Diva and said that she was violating the dress code. OK, I suppose I should be up on these things, if I'm a good mother and all that crap. Whatever. So after discussing the other issues with the assistant principal, I had to take the child home to change clothes. And oh, dear, she doesn't have anything decent to wear! Part of the problem is that she's taken her perfectly good pairs of jeans and cut them off into shorts that are too short to wear to school! I'm so pissed at her right now. The other problem, though, is that she has outgrown some of her clothes. That's a legit excuse.

Superman and I took her to The Great Retail Empire and got her a new pair of pants for school, decent shorts for gym, and a few shirts. I have told her that I'm instituting a uniform for her. She won't have to wear exactly the same thing every day, but it'll be similar. Pants or skirts in plain colors, and t-shirts or other plain modest shirts also in plain solid colors. No patterns, no adornment. And close toed shoes. She would rather wear flip-flops, even though it's getting too cold to wear those now. She needs a few more pair of pants and maybe another skirt or two. She has one that I know works well. It's a pale pink corduroy skirt that I made for her. I don't know where it is right now, though. I saw her wearing it last week, but Jeebus only knows where it is now.

Today she is having what passes for a birthday party. Two of her friends are here. They have balloons, and Diva made a strawberry cake with strawberry icing (we bought the cake mix and can of frosting last night). Superman just took the three of them over to the municipal park/play ground not far from here. Light, it's the same place where you broke your arm when you were Diva's age. Remember that? I hope no one breaks any bones today. I'm too busy and too old for that shit.

The whole birthday party thing is her idea and her Daddy's responsibility. That was understood from the very beginning by all involved. I didn't even have to make excuses for myself. They both already knew that I wouldn't be involved. I love that they automatically assume I'm not going to participate. Actually, I did participate in a small way. I've been in my office ever since the guests arrived, trying to ignore them. At one point they were popping balloons and jumping around in the living room. It was too loud and rambunctious, and Superman was busy with something else. I walked into the room and spoke firmly (and was perhaps a bit loud) saying that this was NOT indoor kind of behavior, and if they wanted to make such a ruckus they needed to go outside. That's all the guests have seen of me. Diva's Mama is a fussy bitch! I value that impression.

Enough of this foolishness. I'm gonna post this, go take a nap, then get up and finish the paper I've started. After which I will attack the big bad journal article. Ugh.

Update: Diva's party is over. No one broke any bones and all survived until the end, even Superman. I slept through most of it.

I finished my film review paper and emailed it to the instructor. Now I have to start research for my article. Going crazy in 3...2...1

Free? or Freefalling?

I'm done with classes until September. This makes me happy. I've got 3.5 weeks off from school. This also makes me happy. The kidlets start school in 1.5 weeks, so I'll have two weeks free from school and the kids during school hours. This makes me extremely happy.

I'm bone weary. Tired, weary, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

The statistics grades are posted now. I got a 97 on the test (yay me!) and a 97 (unofficial) for the course. This makes me happy. In economics, all the grades are posted except the final exam. That goes up tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I got an A in the course, though, unless I totally bombed the exam, and I don't think I did.

as we roll along

I saw my psychiatrist today. He had heard that I was very upset yesterday and wanted the details. So I told him. And I told him what steps we are taking with the kids, both immediately at home and for counseling/treatment. I explained to him that we have been trying to get some help, find a residential care facility or an intensive program or something, but have been unsuccessful in our search. He says we need a case worker or social worker. Yes, but where? The social services dept. won't help us because we aren't abusing our kids. So what, am I supposed to abuse them in order to get any assistance? (I won't, but there are some tempting scenarios...) My doctor says "you need help with these children." Right. I just told you that.

But he gave me a prescription for some chill pills. Lorazepam, a benzodiazepine. According to the wikipedia entry, it has a relatively high addictive potential. I'm not sure how I'd know if I was addicted to it. Frankly, it kinda scares me. He wants me to take it today, but I have a paper due for economics and I've not finished all the reading. I have to study for my statistics final exam. Tomorrow is a regular class day, and he's going to use the time to answer any questions we have about any of the stuff we've covered. I don't know what questions I have because I haven't looked over it carefully enough to find specific areas of weakness. I need to do that TONIGHT! And I need to write a paper. And I got 4.5 hours of restless sleep last night. Light just told me to take a nap before I start studying, and I'm going to take her advice just as soon as I finish checking my email (I'm done, unless something else comes in within the next few minutes) and writing this brief blog entry. Anyway, I'm not going to take the Lorazepam until after I've done my studying.

Superman took Sproing to a new and different mental health care provider this morning. It was an initial interview thing, to see if he qualifies for thier services. He does! This is an all-in-one place that does group and individual counseling, and they have their own child psychiatrists who work exclusively with the center. The boy has his first official counseling appointment next week (if I remember what Superman said). Hopefully this will be the beginning of some useful stuff for him.

As for the girl, she has an appointment with a new therapist on Thursday. We shall see. We're trying a different approach for her, one that might help get her into a residential care facility sooner than if she was in the program Sproing will do.

I'm tired. There is more I want to say (isn't there always?) but right now I need a nap, then I'm gonna study. TTFN

filler

I want to post. There are all manner of things going through my head these days. I'm quite busy with school. Statistics (or as my father says, "sadistics") is currently being very fun. It's like a big logic puzzle. I get stuff wrong sometimes, but that just adds to the challenge.

Economics, on the other hand, is a pain in the tokus. The book is horrid. Obscure. Here's an example from my reading tonight. The subject is market demand for labor.

In such a case, how is the demand for labor by one firm linked to the demand for labor by all firms? If your common sense suggests that all that must be done is to sum the individual firm demands, then you are right. The procedure is quite simple; for each wage, each individual firm's quantity demanded is added to the quantity demanded by all of the other firms to form the quantity demanded of labor by all firms. In this way, the demand for labor by all employers may be thought of as the summation of the individual demands for labor by the individual employers in the economy.* **

Are there any economic wizards out there? Does anyone reading this post have an easy working knowledge of basic economic principles? I ask because I'd like an informed opinion about this text. Is it really as muddled as it seems, or am I the only one having trouble deciphering it? Also, can anyone direct me to a source that explains this stuff in a way that human beings can easily understand?

Twitch goes off to college on Friday. I'm driving him to Charlotte, NC where he will move into an apartment near the campus. He will have three roommates in a two bedroom apartment, unless he is assigned to a three bedroom apartment, in which case there will be five other roommates. I hope he gets a two bedroom unit. He isn't the easiest guy to live with. "Quirky" doesn't come close to describing him. "Twitchy" does, though. He talks to himself very loudly, carrying on involved conversations with himself. He talks in his sleep, very loudly. And...

Well, this is all about him growing up and learning to survive in the real world. I'm not going to worry (much) about what he might encounter. It will be a powerful learning experience, I'm sure.

I am sleep-deprived. I could write a lot more, but I really need to shut this box down and go to sleep. I have lots of homework to do tomorrow, then a very long day Friday transporting the boy to his new digs. I have stuff to relate about Sproing and Diva, none of it especially surprising and all of it very consistent with the track they have been on now for a very long time. The cats continue to amuse us. Light is enlightening. She cleaned the living room, mopped the floor yesterday. It was very exciting. Right now my butt hurts from sitting here too long, and I'm soooo tired. I don't know when I'll post next; things are typically chaotic. Just know that I want to post more often than I do.

*If you are interested in the bibliographical information, send me an email and I'll be glad to tell you. I'm omitting it here to a) protect the identity of the guilty parties and b) attempt to stay under the search engine radar.

**This passage gets more confusing each time I read it.

Meanwhile, back in Javaland...

I couldn't resist the LOLcats. 

(the cat is the most interesting part of this whole post. the rest is rambling drivel with much boring detail about my activities of the last couple of days. I recommend you skip it.)

I have been doing stuff since my last post. I've been thinking of you, thinking about telling you stuff. Interesting things come to me as I'm going about my day, things I want to tell you, things I think you'll appreciate. Occasionally I can remember them once I sit here to write. 

Let's start with yesterday. Friday. No, let's start with Thursday evening because that gives the background info for Friday. We'll do Thursday evening, then Friday, then go back to Thursday morning, 'cause that's the way I want to tell it. My blog, my rules. ;)

Thursday evening I went to college town to bring Light home for the weekend. Right now our vehicles are in a sad state of disrepair. Have I mentioned that the van (Big Bertha) has transmission issues? Ugh. We need to do a cost analysis to decide whether to fix her, trade her in as-is, drive her into the river, or begin living in her. Manny, my beloved F150 pick-up truck, has some issues. He always has issues. He's a very butch queen, really. Very high  maintenance. His battery has reached a state of exhaustion rendering him unable to get it up, so to speak. So there he sits, decorating our driveway. 

(Seems my ADD is running rampant today. You know, the ADD that my psychiatrist says I don't have. My brain is telling rambling stories worse than usual.) So, we are not comfortable taking either vehicle out of town. We rented a little Toyota something-or-other from our neighborhood Enterprise franchise. I picked it up around 4:00 Thursday afternoon and headed up to college town to get Light. I was so sleepy! It was tough to stay awake to make that drive. But I did, and rested a while in her dorm until she was ready to go. We got home safely, though I was still very tired. 

Light came home for the weekend to get her wisdom teeth removed. The closest oral surgeon who participates with our insurance is in Augusta, GA, an hour and a half south of here. That's the other reason we rented the little car, to drive down there and back again. We shot out of town Friday morning at 9:30-ish for her 11:15 appointment with the oral surgeon. Making good time, we got there with 15 minutes to spare. This is significant because the interstate that runs through Augusta is currently undergoing extensive renovation. Some days some exits are open, other days they are blocked. It's a crap shoot even for the folks who live around there. Augusta has never made much sense to me, navigationally. I'm usually pretty good with directions, can get around fairly well in new places. Augusta, GA, Athens, GA, and Charlotte NC are cities within a few hours driving distance that befuddle me. So I was quite proud of myself for getting to the surgeon's office in time. 

The waiting room was HOT. I survived anyway. Light is cold natured, while I am hot natured. The poor child's hands and feet are perpetually cold. I don't know how she does it. I sat in the waiting room for however long. Didn't really pay attention to the time. Eventually Light was finished, so we got in the car and came home. Poor kid was in a fog. She had her top two wisdom teeth removed. Thanksgiving of '07 she had the bottom wisdom teeth removed. Hopefully she's now finished having wisdom teeth removed. Rumor has it that she only had 4. I hope that is the case. 

And I was so sleepy on the way back to Greenwood! Did OK. Got back to town and had to take Light's prescriptions to the pharmacy. Also swung by (way out of the way) the family practice office to pick up Sproing's Ritalin prescription. He didn't have any Ritalin at school yesterday. His teacher is a saint. So I got the scripts to the pharmacy, topped off the gas tank (a Toyota Whatever-that-was has a MUCH smaller gas tank than our '00 Chevy 3500 passenger van.). Then I met Superman at the rental car place. I returned the car less than 24 hours after I picked it up, so incurred the one day rental charge instead of the two day. We planned it out carefully, and I'm so glad it went as planned. That's a good day. 

Came back home, crawled into my bed beside Light who was sleeping under a pile of quilts on her Daddy's side of the bed, and we both napped. I was so tired! She was so sore and sick! Poor kid had the upset stomach reaction to the knock-out juice they gave her. She also swallowed a lot of blood from the incisions in her gums. Blood typically doesn't sit well on the stomach. She had a fit of vomiting late last night. I felt so bad for her, but unfortunately there wasn't really anything I could do but sympathize. She went to bed around 1:00 and I think she slept through til morning. She feels much better today, though is taking her Percocet. Perhaps that's why she feels better.

Now, back to Thursday morning. That's when Lander scheduled the New and Transfer Student Orientation. I got the flyer, which said something about talking to your advisor (did that already), registering for classes (did that already), taking a tour of campus (did that already), and getting your parking pass and ID. I hadn't done the latter, but figured I'd do that while everyone else was in the orientation meeting so I would miss the long lines. I'm smart. I think I made a good choice skipping orientation. Indeed I was finally able to get my ID and parking pass. The bureaucratic requirements holding things up were fulfilled somehow. I think it was magic, or perhaps a fairy godmother. I did something, followed some vague directions sent to me in an email from some lady in financial aid. I didn't understand it exactly, though I think it had to do with officially accepting my financial aid package, which I know I already did. Perhaps something changed with the package. Seems they've given me even more money to work with. Not necessarily a good thing, as it's all student loan and I have to pay it back. Really I'd much rather have free money that I don't have to give back. Wouldn't you?

I mentioned that I've been tired. Did I tell you I saw the doctor a couple of weeks ago? I asked him to check my hemoglobin. I suspect low iron. The doctor jumped on that suggestion and ordered a complete blood work up. Well this week I received the results of the blood tests. No, I'm not pregnant. (did I frighten you?) But my iron levels are indeed low. He has prescribed an iron supplement, once a day every day, and he wants to check my iron level again in 8 weeks. My cholesterol numbers are beautiful despite my diet and lifestyle. Good genes, you know. My blood sugar, however, is slightly elevated. He prescribes a weight loss diet and moderate exercise, of course. He prescribes that nearly every time I see him. I am taking the iron tablets, and I only had candy bars for a meal twice this week. *sigh*

Classes begin Monday. I have an 8:00 class on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. That was the only unit of that course still open when I registered. My first class on Tuesdays and Thursdays begins at 9:30. I wish I had bought my books this week, but I didn't have the chance. I can get a book voucher from financial aid to pay for my books. That will charge the books to my loan. The loan details didn't get cleared up until Thursday, and I had all the other business with Light and her teeth of wisdom to handle Thursday afternoon and Friday. I will investigate the matter of procuring my textbooks Monday afternoon when my classes are over.  

Random snips of insanity

~First off, the weather. What the f**k is going on? It's weird. I'm afraid my Bradford pear tree is going to burst into bloom any minute now. It was 75F degrees this afternoon. According to my sources, which are inconsistently reliable, we should have unseasonably warm weather through the weekend. This feels a whole lot more like Florida than upstate South Carolina. 

~Our utility bill came today. As I may have mentioned, I saw the meter reader come through the yard on the day C and S moved out. This month's bill reflects power and water usage with the boys in the house. We aren't running the air conditioner (duh) or the central heat, though we have electric space heaters in some of the bedrooms. The bill is $332.11. Remind me to compare this to next month's bill. 

~Today was the final day of school for the kids until January 5th. Diva and Sproing have been unpleasant company this afternoon. Sadly, I can't say I'm thrilled about school being out. Perhaps we can work to cheer things up tomorrow and the rest of the holiday. Today I'm too tired.

~And speaking of tired, I'm very tired again today. I can't remember when I went to sleep last night, and I woke up at 6:00 this morning to take the kids to school. Later in the morning I had to take a nap, I could not stay awake. I'm tired again now at 5:30. 

~Because of some medication I was taking 18 months ago my blood pressure became elevated. The doctor took me off that medication and put me on Avapro to control the blood pressure. It has performed exactly as advertized. The doc wanted to see me for a recheck on this blood pressure thing. I went yesterday. Everything is copacetic with the BP and he wants me to stay on it for maintenance because I have "other risk factors." Translated, that means I'm way overweight and too sedentary and my eating habits are unhealthy. All of this is true, so I told him I'd continue taking the Avapro. 

I also mentioned that I am very tired all the time, and I want him to check my iron levels. Well, he jumped all over that and told me he wants a complete blood workup. Fasting. So I skipped breakfast this morning and went to the office after I dropped Twitch off at school this morning. The cute little asian nurse sucked my blood from my arm. Since Christmas is only a week away I suspect the test results will be a bit slower coming back. I should get the results next week or the week after. 

We also discussed my CPAP. I think the pressure needs to be increased. I've had the machine for 7 or 8 years and it's never been serviced. I'm older and a bit heavier than I was when I got the machine. I have an appointment early next week to see somebody, I don't know who, in some office in that new medical park on the south side of town. She called me, all chipper, and I had no idea who she was. She had to explain that she works for that company/organization which does all this CPAP stuff. I'm supposed to take my machine and all its trappings to her office on Monday. I have no idea what she plans to do, but perhaps my CPAP will work better when she's done. 

~I still feel all Bah Humbug about the holidays. 

Friday evening

I am so tired.  Sleepy.  No energy.  Wiped out.

It's a rainy night.  Been raining all day.  Nice soft gentle rain.  With the window open I hear the drops plopping on the leaves of the tree outside.  Such a sleepy sound.  Such a sleepy Java.

My big exertion of energy today was to take a LOT of clothes to the laundromat.  You recall the grasshopper I pulled out of the washer on Wednesday?  Well, the load of clothes I washed next never finished.  The washing machine did the same thing it did last week.  The latch broke. Something more than just the latch is causing the problem.  I think.  Superman says he's going to look at it.  We can't afford the repair man again until after payday.  

So I gathered some of the laundry.  The stuff that was easy to access.  Mostly clothes and bedding from Diva and Sproing's room, and the stuff that has been piling up in our bathroom. Superman wore his last pair of clean socks this morning.  I've been commando most of the week. I shoved all those baskets into the van, stopped by the bank for some quarters, and went to the laundromat.  Fun times.  

I sorta kinda wanted to do the laundry this morning.  But this morning I was so sleepy I just couldn't budge.  I got up with the kids and took everyone to school.  I came home, checked email, then took a nap.  After I woke up from the nap I hauled the laundry out.  But by then it was almost time for the kids to get out of school.  I usually let the young'uns walk home from school, but today it was raining.  I had time to load up the machines at the laundromat before zooming to get the kidlets.  It was complicated and I'm too tired to write about it, but I ended up getting Superman from work then, too.

Meanwhile, back at the laundromat...  Nine washers full of our laundry.  Nine. At $2.50 per load. That's $22.50 to wash not even all the laundry we produce in a week.  I wasn't going to spend any more money to dry the clothes, not when it cost so much to wash them and I have a perfectly good dryer at home.  So Superman and Twitch helped me load the clean wet stuff back into the van.  The dryer is running now.  Superman will finish that up since I am too tired to hang with it tonight.

And now it is time for me to shut down the computer, turn out the light and go to sleep.  Because I am that tired.