Sunny Day

It's gorgeous out there, at least from my perspective at the window.

I'm very sleepy today, in a peaceful drowsy way.

The blue funk passed, and yesterday was mostly good. Sproing had some behavior issues which we handled, but I can see the struggle is still there. He has so much trouble resisting the urge to pick on other people. There's something that ain't quite right about that boy. He and Diva get into it. She falls into the trap he sets, and both of them end up in trouble. He sat in the hallway yesterday and cried for 45 minutes until I let him get up.

Superman took Sproing back to the treatment facility, which Sproing kept referring to as "home." Eh, whatever. It has been his home for the past couple of months.

I'm so sleepy it's hard to write. I'm going to go hunt for a nap. I think I might have left one under my covers in the bedroom.

Woe is me Christmas

Warning: moody ruminations ahead. Proceed at your own risk.

Well, it started out nicely. The gift opening, breakfast, happy family time all together - it was about as lovely as things get around here. Humble but lovable.

I got really sleepy mid-morning, not surprisingly. Not sure what time I went back to sleep, but I slept until 2:00. It was a good sleep, if full of strange dreams. I dreamt, among other things, that I made C's in my classes. I got up and shuffled into the kitchen to do that Christmas Dinner thing. I actually accomplished it, too! Superman helped with a couple of things, but I was the one who mixed up the sweet potato casserole, seasoned and baked the ham, and made the roll dough. Light formed the rolls after the first rising, then I popped them in the oven when they had risen again. (Kinda like Easter, huh?) From a technical perspective, dinner went well.

Sometime toward late afternoon I was overcome by a wave of depression. Nothing specific happened, I can't pinpoint a specific cause. Maybe it was a chemical flood or something, I dunno. I just felt awfully sad. It was so hard to get out of my chair to finish preparing dinner. Twitch and Superman got into an altercation over a longstanding issue, so they were upset. Sproing got restless and uncomfortable this afternoon. I think he misses the structure and dependability of the treatment facility. He likely misses some of the staff, as well. All normal stuff. It's been overcast, dark and wet all day, which hampers everyone's mood. Diva was in a tweener fog watching a Ciley Myrus movie, which irritated me. Being depressed, most everything irritated me. By the time we sat down to dinner, I felt awful. Twitch didn't join us for dinner, either. I ate, the food was good. The rolls were really good! I love good yeast rolls. My tongue was happy about the rolls, but the entire rest of my being was depressed. I would rather have skipped the dinner table, but I sat there out of obligation, which made me even more depressed.

The kids went to bed at 9:00 and Superman and I watched the movie "Up." I'd heard good things about the movie, and bought it as a family Christmas gift. The kids watched it this morning with their dad while I took a nap. He insisted that we watch it together this evening. It's good. It's touching. It made me cry. Do I like this? I don't know. Right now I'm looking at the world through mud-colored glasses, so my testimony isn't dependable.

It's 11:30 and Sproing just got up again. He had trouble sleeping last night, too. He doesn't sleep well anyway, and of course last night was Christmas Eve, so that made sense. He's tired, though, and had a long day. I worry about him. I scratched his back for a few minutes and sent him back to bed. I hear him coughing a little bit and being generally restless. I need to ask the third shift staff at the facility if he has trouble sleeping there, too. Come to think of it, I want a third shift staff here, too.

I'm going to drown my sorrows in sleep. Maybe when I wake up tomorrow the sky will be clear and so will my head.

I-woke-up-early Ramblings

Alright, who ordered rain for this morning?!

I woke up sometime close to 4:00 this morning. I don't know why. I'm not all excited about Christmas, not like I was 40 years ago when I was 7 years old. I lay in the bed for a while, then my extremities got twitchy. I stretched, tried to settle back down, but I was awake. Oh well. So I got up.

Sproing is up now, too. He is a very light sleeper anyway. It's Christmas, he's sleeping in the room with Twitch (who is a noisy, active sleeper), he's used to sleeping at the treatment facility so to him now his bed here is the different bed. He's also got a slight cough. So he's up with me, sitting in my comfy chair petting the cat.

Last night before we went to bed, Superman and I put together a breakfast casserole for this morning. It's cubed Italian bread, chunks of cream cheese, a cup or so of frozen blueberries, and milk and a lot of eggs. It gets refrigerated overnight. He also cooked up a blueberry sauce that we'll pour over our individual servings. I just put it in the oven so it will be ready when the rest of the house wakes up.

Our younger kidlets* are still more excited about Christmas than they are about sleep, so we set an official wake-up time for Christmas morning, lest they wake up at, say, 4:00 and want to get us up for the gift exchange. This year it's 6:00. Sproing is up already, but Diva is as likely as not to sleep until 10:00 if left to her own devices. And here I am, awake since 4:00. Oh well.

I feel pretty good about today, so far. I will need a nap later on, but that shouldn't be a problem. I baked a couple of pies last night (pumpkin and pecan) and Superman has requested an apple pie as well. The dinner menu includes ham, sweet potato casserole, green beans, and some kind of fruit salad or something. Oh, and rolls if I make them.

Now it's 5:45 and Twitch just got up. He is an early-to-bed, early-to-rise guy. Always has been. Says he's been up for three hours, snoozing some and having strange dreams. I think we're all going to be sleepy later this afternoon. Twitch is a napper, too, a lot like his Mama.

Alas, the wake-up hour approacheth. Time for me to start the coffee. I hope you all have a lovely day today, enjoying the holiday in the way that most pleases you.

* Evidently, the category that defines "more excited about Christmas" is our boys. Both of the girls are zonked.

Aaaand we're off!

Superman is on his way home with Sproing. The college kids are home for the holiday. Diva is here, of course out of school for the season (plus two days, but that's a different story). Isn't that lovely?

Yeah, it's lovely from a theoretical perspective, or a physical distance of 50 miles or more. I feel a bit overwhelmed, and Sproing isn't even here yet. He should be here within the hour, though.

As for Sproing's visit, I am not afraid of it/him now. I look forward to having him home, if not the experience of too many people around me. All the expectations I heap upon myself are nagging at me a bit, but not as much as last year. Yet.

We have two cats, Samhain and Scheherazade. My fluffy little girl Scheherazade hides under the bed or in the closet when she gets overwhelmed. Samhain, being too manly to cower under the bed (very much) has to assert his supremacy by marking territory. He's been active with the spraying this week. We are not amused. We are, however, sympathetic to the cause.

I am currently hiding in my office and on the blogs. I must soon emerge to face my responsibilities. Right now I am doing the one thing that I look forward to every year: listening to the public radio broadcast of A Festival of Nine Lessons and Carols from Kings College, Cambridge, England. I look forward all year to that first glorious note sung by the chosen boy, the carol "Once in Royal David's City."

You know I don't like this small southern town where I live. I want to live in an area that is metropolitan enough so that I can tune in my local public radio station and get a clear signal. We live far enough from the broadcast location that my reception is fuzzy. Also, there are too many locally produced programs on this station. It ain't so good.

Random stuff on a Friday

It's early. I slept a lot yesterday, went to sleep at 10:00 last night, and woke up when Superman got up to use the bathroom at 2:30. I lay there for a while pretending to sleep, but it didn't work, so I got up.

It's been a long week. A lot has happened. I'm DONE with school until the second week in January, and that is a good thing! I had a confab with my Research Methods prof yesterday about my final grade. It's a B. A very high B, but a B nonetheless. And I'm OK with it, because it's a fair grade. I did well, but not quite well enough for an A. So be it. We had a good discussion, though, and I feel better about the whole mess.

I will be driving up to Charlotte this morning to bring Twitch home. I'm actually looking forward to that. He and I talked last night, and he told me about an incident in which he Helped someone. You know, Help- like the kind of Help I do. I'll tell you about it. There was another student there at school, sitting on the bench all dejected and stuff. Frantic, nearly, because he had a final assignment to turn in and he thought the professor was gone already and he'd missed his last opportunity to turn in this assignment. Well, my darling son went looking for the professor and found her! He led the prof to the student, and the kid was ape-shit relieved/joyful/thankful. And Twitch got that rush. Have you ever had that rush, when you do something that makes a huge difference in someone else's life? It could be a small, simple act, but it makes literally a world of difference in the life of the other person. It's why I do what I do. It's what I live for*. And I am beyond thrilled that Twitch knows that feeling.

In other not-so-good news, Diva has managed to get suspended AGAIN, this time for fighting. She did not get into a knock-down drag-out fight. Rather, she got into two different situations in which fighting was imminent or barely begun. She "put up her dukes" to threaten one girl, and in a separate incident she punched another child in the ribs. She denies both accusations, but I don't really believe her. I want to believe her. I always want to believe my kids in situations like this. But with Diva, she has lied to me so many times that I can't believe her anymore. I have doubts. Maybe she did and maybe she didn't. I don't necessarily trust those at the school who made these accusations. By that I refer to both the students in question and the school administrators. The school system administration around here, at least on the high school level and to some extent at the middle school level, has proven itself untrustworthy. I feel helpless to know the true truth.

So Diva is suspended for two days. But lookie**, yesterday was the last day of school until after the holidays. Her suspension will take effect on Monday and Tuesday the 4th and 5th of January. This effectively rewards my darling daughter with two extra days of vacation. Shit. The system is fucked up.

I asked her last night about how she likes the way she spends her suspension days. If given a choice between being at school or being at home, where she can't watch TV at all (no movies, either) and has academic work and housework keeping her busy all day, which would she rather do? She said she'd rather be at home. Again, shit. I'm not doing a good enough job of making her life miserable. Or perhaps school is so miserable that even being miserable at home is better than being at school. I'm inclined to believe that. The very idea of being in middle school makes my tummy hurt. She also gets a lot of attention, albeit somewhat negative, when she stays home and works.

In some ways I think I'd like to homeschool her. It would drive both of us over the edge, I'm sure, and is totally impractical, but there would be advantages. Not enough advantages to outweigh the disadvantages, and I'm not going to do it, but the idea is compelling.

At least this time, when she's suspended and home all day, I will not have school obligations myself. The last couple of times she was suspended both Superman and I had to be at work and school ourselves, so she was here for a few hours by herself. Not an ideal situation from any perspective.

I found something amusing at this blog. Blue Gal, from what I gather after a very brief perusal, is a fairly popular blogger and writer. I really don't know anything about her or the blog, but I want to give credit for my source, so there you are. The particular post where I found this is quite good. Anyway, after too much ado, I present my pen is:

And there you have it.

*Well, one of the things I live for anyway.

** Another Grandmama-ism (TM)

Semester's End

That sounds like a good name for a book or movie.

I'm done! Took my final final this morning and sold a couple of books at the Book Buy Back in the campus book store. I just checked my grades. I have A's in Theater and Psychotherapies, and I'm confident that I've got an A in Abnormal Psych, though the final grade isn't officially posted yet.

So, what about Research Methods? Well, that final grade isn't posted yet, either, but I think I have all the scores for all the tests and assignments. I only made an 85 on the final. The pisser about that (among other things) is that the final was the easiest test of all the exams we had all semester. I simply didn't study enough. I waited a bit too late (just a bit, mind you) to begin studying (maybe by a day or two, really), and there was another paper due in the class, to be turned in when we came to take the final. I spent a good deal of effort on that one, and did a fair job of it. Not spectacular (80%) but decent. In other, better news, I made a 92 on the BIG Paper! I'm thrilled about that. Anyway, according to my calculations, I think I made a high B in the class. A very high B. If my calculations are correct, I missed an A by 0.67%. Yep, less than 1%. 2/3rds of one percent. I don't have the final grade yet, so we shall see. I'm trying to pretend it doesn't matter. It's good to make a B.

It's time to change the subject. I'm beginning to get upset.

So, in celebration (and because I have some cash from selling my books) Superman and I are going out on a date tonight. We're both looking forward to that. Light is home now, having finished her semester last week. She can stay with Diva. (She doesn't know about this yet.)

Did I tell you that Sproing earned a day pass from his current digs? Diva, Superman and I went to the facility for a family therapy session at 10:00 Sunday morning, and afterwards we brought the boy home for a few hours. It was great having him home, I think. I'm glad, theoretically, that he was able to come home, but I wasn't having a good day. Stress, you know. I ended up sleeping almost the entire few hours he was home. I did, however, drive him back to the place. We had 1.5 hours alone, just the two of us. It was pretty good, I think. I'm not sure how he feels about it.

Tonight is the next visiting opportunity, but Superman and I are going on a date, as mentioned previously, rather than driving up to see him. We'll go see him again on Sunday, and probably call him some time this evening.

Twitch comes home next Monday. I'm sort of looking forward to that, too. I love the boy, you know. I enjoy interacting with him. Last time they were all (except Sproing) home at Thanksgiving, I was stressed out. To all of a sudden have the kids back in the house was a bit more excitement than I could handle. It's weird, and I don't know how normal this is, but I used to thrive with that level of activity. When C and S lived here we had 6 kids/young adults living in this house. It was great. Perhaps I wore out my nerves with that one. Or perhaps the recent unpleasantness with the younger two frazzled me enough that I've not recovered. I dunno.

I just talked to Sproing's therapist about his Christmas visit. We'll be able to pick him up on the morning of the 24th, and he'll stay with us until Saturday evening, the 26th. If things get a bit dodgy we can take him back a little early, but his therapist thinks he'll do really well. She says he's changed a lot, grown up a lot. I need to discover who this new child is. I saw bits of "my boy" when he was home last Sunday. It was very good. He's been so messed up for the past, I dunno, year or so that he hasn't shown us that charming boy whom I love so much. That boy is coming back, but he's a lot more grown up than he was. We must get to know each other again. It's a bit scary. Good, but scary.

I'm off to find some lunch. Have a lovely day, one and all.

Because I must

Circle of Friends Award

Mr. Larry Ohio passed onto RG a Circle of Friends Award and RG passed onto me a Circle of Friends Award. What's really cool is that Ultra Dave also passed on this Circle of Friends Award. I feel so loved! So I must name five things I enjoy and pass on my own Circle of Friends Awards. Cool, huh?

This is a good exercise for me. Lately I've not had much enjoyment in my life. It's been a hard year. I seem to have forgotten how to enjoy myself. Let's try this. In no particular order, here are five things that I enjoy:

1. Blogging I really enjoy reading other blogs and getting to know other bloggers. I'm particularly fond of gay men. I like men in general for many reasons, and now that I've discovered all these wonderful blogs written by gay men, I'm in a fairy-land heaven.

2. Learning new things I'm very curious. I love to learn about stuff, typically the less pertinent it is to real life, the better. Trivia and such, you know. But I also enjoy gaining knowledge, exercising my brain. Sometimes I'm not so fond of it when I'm in the midst of the mental crunches, but I like the results.

Aside: There's a difference between "like" and "enjoy." Maybe not for you, but as I consider what to write here, the distinction seems important.

3. Laughing This is a broad entry, as it encompasses many things. I like to laugh at funny stories, funny movies, funny pictures, my husband laughing (he's very silly), and the irony of life. I get the "laughter is the best medicine" kind of body work-out when I laugh at the funny stuff. When I laugh at life's ironies, though, it's more like "I laugh to keep from crying." Both kinds of laughter are good, but in different ways. A corollary: I enjoy making people laugh. I like being funny and inducing laughter in others, especially the times when I get them to see something from a new perspective.

4. Helping others I get the greatest sense of satisfaction when I'm able to help someone. It means a lot to me when I can make a positive difference in the lives of others. And it's much easier for me to give help than to receive it.

5. Sex I mean, really. I recently saw this analogy: "It's as boring as married sex." HA! Married sex does not have to be boring. Really good sex is, well, really good. Even if there isn't much variety, if it's really really good, variety isn't that important. Go with what works, you know? If it ain't broke, keep doin' it. And that's all I have to say about that.

So now it's time for me to pass on this Circle of Friendship Award. I bestow this award on

Greg at The Midnight Garden. He loves to garden, loves plant and animal life in general, he's a gentle and loving soul who lives on Cape Cod year 'round. He has been a good friend and sounding board for me since I first discovered him about 18 months ago. His cheerful approach to life is inspiring.

Patrick at Loose Ends. Patrick is one of the few bloggers I've met face-to-face. He gives great hugs. He has passion for life, though he suffers from dark times. He and I have similar depression monsters that haunt our souls. He's a New York City resident who loves trees and nature and paths that lead to mysterious places.

Bigg at Bigg on Life. An interesting fellow, writes very well and has fascinating stories to tell. He's a cancer survivor. He and his partner are of different generations, and it amazes me how in love they are. He was married to a woman (gasp) and has a few kids. He loves the kids.

Rox at Heart in Hand. She's one of them Canadians you hear so much about. She lives way on up there in Canada, too, not like 15 minutes from the U.S. border or anything. She sees a lot of snow. She's an amazing woman, making her life with her husband and two daughters as peaceful and happy as possible. Sometimes it's not so peaceful, but it is a life, and the love she has for her family is obvious.

Kevin at la Casa del Retardo. He's a curmudgeonly gent who along with his partner is raising four children they adopted. He writes well when he writes, and he keeps threatening to quit blogging. He needs us, though, and hasn't been able to make the break yet. He has a small but loyal following. Though he tries to disguise it, there's something very lovable about him. He'll deny it, though.

These are my choices. If any of these folks wants to take up the challenge and post this on their blogs, that's great. If they choose not to, that's great too. I'm easy like that.

A couple of things...

Firstly, Sproing: he has been doing much better recently. He's earned a day pass! We have a family therapy session Sunday morning, then Sproing gets to come with us for the day. If I recall correctly, he has to be back there by 7:00 p.m. Hopefully he will be able to come home for a couple of days at Christmas.

He's been much nicer to me over the past couple of weeks. I intended to visit him on Wednesday, but I had to sleep. I'd been up the whole previous night. I will go see him Sunday, obviously. I think he wants to come home for a couple of hours. It would be more efficient (or something) for us to stay up near there, go to one of the malls in Greenville or something, but the poor kid hasn't seen home since late September, so we'll probably bring him home.

Light and Twitch come home next week. Light is finished with school already, but is spending the weekend with Cameron and Lady Grace. I think we're picking her up after we take Sproing back to his lock-up. I can't remember when Twitch is officially finished with his school term, but he comes home at the end of the week.

In other news, and this is an indirect biggie, my boys broke up. C and S are no longer a couple. I got a phone call from C Friday morning. He said that Thursday night S told him that he was no longer interested in pursuing the relationship, he needed a change, and felt that he was holding C back. When we spoke, C was still in a state of shock. He didn't see it coming. He spent the day with one of his girlfriends. She's a great gal, also a student where C and I go to school. He worked Friday night until close (he works at a fast-food fish fry place). Dunno what he's got planned for Saturday.

I want to talk to S. I saw him briefly Thursday night when Superman and I went to the fish fry restaurant where C works. That was a few hours before he broke up with C. He's such a dear young man. I'd like to talk to him, just to check on him and see how he's doing. I love him so. I love them both. They've been together for almost 4 years. 3 years and 9 months, I think. They're both so young, too. S just turned 20 last month, so yeah, he was only 16 when they got together. Man, he's grown so much! So has C, of course. C is 21 now, I think. He was not quite 18 when we first met. I think I've got those ages right, but I might be confused. In the grand scheme of things, and considering their age, they've been together for an amazingly long time. They've been through a lot. I hope they can remain friends.

This week: a retrospective (academic edition)

I feel as though the first paragraph should be my abstract.

The big news from this week was my term paper in psychology Research Methods. (Not really, but that's what took the most energy.) I vaguely recall writing something last weekend about having spent much of the previous days sleeping a lot. Well, I needed it, because I stayed up all night to write my term paper. It's stupid. I'm too old for this shit. I've known about the paper since the beginning of the semester, and have had ample opportunity to work on it for the last two months or so. I didn't even read the source articles until Sunday. After class Tuesday I came home and began writing. I wrote and wrote and wrote until about 8:00 a.m. I got the sucker done.

Oh, somewhere in there I also studied for an exam in that class. Not the final, mind you. That happens this Tuesday. There are 4 exams plus the cumulative final exam. Each exam increases in difficulty through the 4th. The final is actually much easier, so says the prof. We shall see on Tuesday.

Of course I want to make a good grade on the paper, but that's a double-edged sword. If I get a good grade on the damn thing it's likely to reinforce my tendency to procrastinate. Though it's possible that having to stay up all night might mitigate that reinforcement. Hard to say.

The paper was due on Wednesday afternoon, but at the last minute the prof extended the deadline to Thursday morning. Most everyone had the paper done by Wednesday afternoon, so having that extra day just pissed us off. One of my classmates was uber-pissed. I was mildly annoyed. Maybe it's my age, maybe my experience, but I don't usually get angry about shit like that. It is what it is, and getting angry just wastes energy. By mid-morning Wednesday I didn't have the extra energy to expend in getting angry.

But since I had the sucker finished, I had the prof look it over. I told him that if it needed major revision I probably wouldn't rewrite. I was exhausted. He skimmed through it and made a couple of very simple formatting suggestions. That was cool. He said I had obviously read and understood the source articles (HA! Yeah, two days before the paper was due!) and it all looked pretty good.

There was a bit of amusement in the discussion. He looked at my abstract in which I briefly stated the results. (Yes! I was brief! amazing, really.) He said my results were incorrect, that our data showed that group 2 responses were in the other direction from that of group 1. Huh? No it wasn't. Group 1 had a much stronger response, and group 2's response was statistically insignificant, but it was in the same direction. Then he looked at my graphs to prove me wrong, and was instead proved wrong himself. Hee hee hee. He used this same study when he taught this class over the summer, but had used a different set of data. He was thinking about the data from the summer session. So he was wrong and I was right. That tickles me.

As I mentioned, I took exam 4 on Tuesday. He posted the grades Wednesday evening. I made a 96! I'm thrilled. Thrilled, I tell you! He hasn't posted the grades for the paper yet. I just checked.

On Thursday I took my final exam in the theater and film class. It was insultingly easy, and the instructor admitted as much. Oh well, it's an easy A, and I enjoyed the class. I learned a lot of interesting things, so it's all good.

I had no classes on Friday, but had to go to school for a meeting. I was inducted into the Psi Chi honor society, the international psychology honor society. That was cool. It will look good on my grad school applications. I even got a lapel pin. Perhaps I should get a suit with lapels so I can wear it, huh?

I have an article review to write for the Research Methods class. It's so much less significant than the other paper, and as long as I work on it this weekend and don't procrastinate, I'll be fine. And I need to study for the final exam. As I say, it shouldn't be overly difficult, but there are a lot of details I need to recall (or stuff into my brain again). I have the last exam in my Abnormal Psychology class on Wednesday. There again, some details I need to be able to regurgitate on the exam. (Sounds messy)

There's more non-academic stuff, but I'll save that for the next post.

Sunday and whatnot

• To answer rjjs - I saw "The Blind Side" for my film class. It's a very good movie. I want to see "Precious" too, but it isn't coming to this podunk town. I want out of this town. Anyway, I finished writing the review for the movie and emailed it to the instructor last night. I only have the final exam to do for that class. It's being conducted on Thursday. I'm not going to think about it until Wednesday, or perhaps Tuesday evening for a few minutes.
• Diva was baptized in the Baptist Church this morning. Her decision. This has little or nothing to do with any meaningful spirituality on her part, and Superman and I both think she shouldn't have done it. I am in favor of baptism in general, so long as it's done for the right reasons. She did it because it was the cool thing to do, or perhaps because she was pressured into it by the zealots in that congregation. I dunno, but there's nothing to be done about it now.
• Superman's bicycle was stolen from our locked garage yesterday afternoon. I was napping and Superman had taken the kids to the park. Whoever it was also stole Diva's bike. The friendly neighborhood police man came over to take the report. Who knows if we'll ever see the bikes again. I'm pissed. Superman is super-pissed.
• Our podunk town is conducting a podunk Christmas parade this afternoon. I'm not going, of course. My point, though, is that Diva gets to be in the parade. She has been taking cheer leading lessons at the YMCA, and the class gets to march in the parade. Isn't that lovely? I might send my camera with Superman so he can snap some photos. Yes, I found my camera.
• I started reading the material I need to know to write my journal article. Slog, slog, slog. I'm supposed to be reading more now, but I'm goofing off. Later I will deeply regret goofing off. It's the way I work, unfortunately.
• I spoke briefly with Sproing this afternoon. None of us is going to visit him today. We only have one car that works right now (the truck is "resting") and Diva "must" be in the parade. Eh. I don't have the 4-5 hours necessary to make the trip even if I did have transportation. Anyway, Sproing talked to his Daddy longer than he talked to me. We had a brief dialog, then he asked to talk to Daddy. From what I overheard from their conversation, he seems to be doing fairly well. Don't have that from the therapist's point of view, but we see her next Sunday. He said it was OK if I didn't come today. I apologized.
• That's about all I know. I'm going to go study some more.

Rush toward the end - with updates!

I'm so tired. So very, very tired. I slept a lot yesterday. I skipped my Friday morning class, stayed home and took a nap. It was my second nap. I took a third one later. And I was tired and ready for bed at 9:00, though I stayed up for a couple hours more. I felt rested when I got up this morning, but it's 3:00 now and I'm desperately tired again.

I am also very dizzy. I noticed it last night. As I rolled over in bed during the night my head kept turning after I stopped. And no, I hadn't been drinking. It was pretty dizzifying getting out of bed today, too. I almost fell backwards out of the shower this morning. I have felt dizzy all day long, even while sitting still at my desk.

It's nearly the end of the semester, and I have some significantly important assignments to finish on or before Wednesday. Or Tuesday. Or something. It's frightening to think about. I have a paper due in my film class. It is almost finished, I've been working on it this mid-day. All I have left is the summary analysis. I like that term. It's a summative evaluation and prescriptive analysis, as described by the instructor. It's spinning bullshit, mostly. Tedious, but not overly difficult.

The real difficult one is my article for psych research methods. I'm nervous about it because I'm woefully unprepared. I have what I need, but haven't read it. It's due at 3:30 Wednesday afternoon. I have to read 5 or 6 other scholarly journal articles (thick boring things, even though the subject is mildly interesting). Then I have to write mine.

There's also the 4th exam and the final exam, two different beasts, for psych research. I did well on the 3rd exam, but the stuff since then has me a bit confounded. I almost understand it. It makes sense when the prof describes it in class, and if I go slowly I can explain it. But give me an hour or so doing something else and I lose most of my grasp on the subject. I really need to work over the examples and study my notes. I have what I think is good material to study, but I haven't done that yet. I've been doing other school related things, or sleeping. I'm so tired.

Oh, and yesterday (December 4th) was Diva's birthday. She's 12 now. She thinks she's hot shit, but then she always has. Superman and I took her out to dinner to the Crimson Crustacean. It was as loverly as usual. I got her a doll that really poops and pees! Now I think Superman is mad at me. I know he's mad at Diva. She's been feeding her doll the non-food glop that came with it, and it runs out the doll's poop shoot, requiring a change of diaper. Well, the damned doll only came with two disposable diapers, and now the child is using up all the kitchen towels to catch the mess. He went to get a towel out of the drawer to use, you know, for some authentic need in the kitchen. But alas, there were none. She's got them strewn all over the house with wet doll mess all over 'em. Yeah, well.

He bought her the Miley Cyrus Movie DVD. Ugh. She watched it last night, but I was cloistered in my office and didn't have to suffer through any of it.

So Java, what happened to Diva when she was suspended from school last week? Oh, yes, I made her life difficult. I took the DVD player and locked it in my office, and disconnected the cable from the TV in the living room. I keep my office door locked when I'm not in here, and the only other TV with cable is in our bedroom, which also remains locked when we aren't here. Diva had a long list of household chores to do, most of which she did. Among other things she swept the whole house and mopped the kitchen, folded and put away a bunch of clothes. She did two math lessons from an older Grade 5/6 math textbook I have, and studied a literature passage (short, only two small paragraphs) and did some exercises with that. She also read a newspaper article and answered a bunch of questions about it. And I wasn't particularly nice to her. I don't think I was cruel, mostly, but I wasn't friendly.

When I took her back to school on Thursday we had to go in for a brief conference with the assistant principal. The woman took one look at Diva and said that she was violating the dress code. OK, I suppose I should be up on these things, if I'm a good mother and all that crap. Whatever. So after discussing the other issues with the assistant principal, I had to take the child home to change clothes. And oh, dear, she doesn't have anything decent to wear! Part of the problem is that she's taken her perfectly good pairs of jeans and cut them off into shorts that are too short to wear to school! I'm so pissed at her right now. The other problem, though, is that she has outgrown some of her clothes. That's a legit excuse.

Superman and I took her to The Great Retail Empire and got her a new pair of pants for school, decent shorts for gym, and a few shirts. I have told her that I'm instituting a uniform for her. She won't have to wear exactly the same thing every day, but it'll be similar. Pants or skirts in plain colors, and t-shirts or other plain modest shirts also in plain solid colors. No patterns, no adornment. And close toed shoes. She would rather wear flip-flops, even though it's getting too cold to wear those now. She needs a few more pair of pants and maybe another skirt or two. She has one that I know works well. It's a pale pink corduroy skirt that I made for her. I don't know where it is right now, though. I saw her wearing it last week, but Jeebus only knows where it is now.

Today she is having what passes for a birthday party. Two of her friends are here. They have balloons, and Diva made a strawberry cake with strawberry icing (we bought the cake mix and can of frosting last night). Superman just took the three of them over to the municipal park/play ground not far from here. Light, it's the same place where you broke your arm when you were Diva's age. Remember that? I hope no one breaks any bones today. I'm too busy and too old for that shit.

The whole birthday party thing is her idea and her Daddy's responsibility. That was understood from the very beginning by all involved. I didn't even have to make excuses for myself. They both already knew that I wouldn't be involved. I love that they automatically assume I'm not going to participate. Actually, I did participate in a small way. I've been in my office ever since the guests arrived, trying to ignore them. At one point they were popping balloons and jumping around in the living room. It was too loud and rambunctious, and Superman was busy with something else. I walked into the room and spoke firmly (and was perhaps a bit loud) saying that this was NOT indoor kind of behavior, and if they wanted to make such a ruckus they needed to go outside. That's all the guests have seen of me. Diva's Mama is a fussy bitch! I value that impression.

Enough of this foolishness. I'm gonna post this, go take a nap, then get up and finish the paper I've started. After which I will attack the big bad journal article. Ugh.

Update: Diva's party is over. No one broke any bones and all survived until the end, even Superman. I slept through most of it.

I finished my film review paper and emailed it to the instructor. Now I have to start research for my article. Going crazy in 3...2...1

Alright,

I've had it with these stupid spambots. I have resisted thus far, but I'm having too much trouble with comment spam so I've instituted the word verification feature.

I'm all kinds of pissed at Diva again. She got herself suspended from school for two days. Again. Does she not know that if you say "f*** you" to a teacher, you're going to get in serious trouble? I'm trying to make her suspension miserable in hopes that the experience will convince her not to get herself into this situation again.

I'm too mad and too busy with school work to write any more now.