Have you ever had a dream in which you are trying to dial a phone number, but some of the numbers are missing from the number pad, or you can't read the number you're supposed to be dialing? Or perhaps you're trying to find an address but all the buildings on the street have confusing address numbers. Really, any kind of dream where numbers just aren't there for you the way you need them.
I took a nap this afternoon after writing that first post. Had some vivid dreams, but slept hard. When I awoke I wanted to sign on to my laptop. When I typed in my password the system said that's the incorrect password. Well shit. I changed my password in the admin settings a few days ago, but now the damned machine won't accept that one. It wants my official Microsoft password, which I can't remember off the top of my head. It's on an excel spread sheet stored on this computer you won't let me sign in to. Fuck a duck.
I also have it stored in Dropbox. Let's go to the tablet! Well shit, the tablet doesn't have Dropbox installed. Not a big problem, I installed Dropbox. Cool. But to sign in to Dropbox I need, you guessed it, my Dropbox password which is where? Yeah. I've had to reset my passwords on Dropbox, Microsoft, Twitter, and Shorty Awards today. As you can tell, I was finally successful getting into the laptop. Took an hour to do it, though. This is the real life experience that reminds me off the I-can't-dial-a-phone-number dreams. Perhaps it causes those dreams. Who knows?
Just last week I bought myself a new laptop. A Toshiba Satellite. I got one back in '08 and it lasted for six years or more. I loved it, was crushed when it finally died. For the past couple of years I've been using the Asus Superman got for himself. He now uses a fancy thing he got for work so I use his. I don't like it much, and the charging plug-in port is messed up because I dropped it. I dropped it again a couple of weeks ago and terminally messed up the plug-in port.
Superman and I tootled off to the Max Office Depot. (They've merged now. No clue what to call it.) Went right to the Toshiba, found the Satellite with all the features I like. The keyboard is backlit so I can see the keys in the dark. I like that part. What I don't like, however, is that the damned thing will shut itself off every so often. It's not supposed to do that. And what's with losing my password change?
Since we're planning to give it to Sproing, I took Superman's broken Asus to a local repair shop, and while there I asked about this bad behavior from the Toshiba. Ryan, he's the guy behind the counter, said the quality of Toshibas isn't what it used to be. Recommended I take this sucker back and get a different model. Like, not a Toshiba. He's recommending Acer or Asus these days. So I have to get all my info back off my new computer, take it back, hassle with Maximum Depot to get a new one, put the info back onto another one and do all the setup machinations again. Some people get a kick out of manipulating computer thingies like this. Me, I get anxious and feel vulnerable. I suppose this is good exercise anyway. And it builds character, no doubt.
Does this post sound like complaining? I'm trying not to complain so much. It's a New Years' Resolution kind of thing. But I keep forgetting to not complain, you know? We try. It's all we can do. Unless we are training to be Jedi Knights or whatever, which I'm not, so it's all good.
I love you all, dearly. So you'd think I'd want to communicate with you more often. And I do, on one level. But I have layers, like onions.
(Start at the 23 second mark)
Which in this illustration makes me the ogre. Well, sometimes that description is accurate. But that's not what we're here to talk about today.
I feel these forces within me grappling for control. Looking for the right word, we turn to Thesaurus.com and find: Discord, Dissonance, Disparity, Dissension, Incongruity, Contention, Variance. I give you - My Brain! (It's a very confusing place.)
And the blogging is but a small aspect of the larger complications in negotiating my day. Every day.
Well, it seems like every day, on bad days. If I recall correctly (and with this brain, who can tell?) on good days I know what to do and do it with confidence. On bad days I don't know what to do, or won't do what I know to do. Disparity within the ranks.
The professionals call this Depression. There might be other labels for it, more specific than depression. I don't care about labels anyway. Except when I do.
Time to move away from the navel gazing.
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In the news... Let's start with Diva. When last we checked in, Diva had moved to live with her birth mother. Well, that lasted maybe a week or two. The two of them are so much alike in some negative ways. Talk about discord! Diva left, to go... where? "Dad, can you help me?" She didn't want to come back home, which is great because we didn't want her back here. She had a job by that time, working at Taco Bell and wanted to stay in the area to continue working. Good idea. Superman put her up in a cheap (relatively) motel for a week while she looked for an apartment. She did, found a place that she could almost afford. We're helping her out a bit. A couple hundred dollars a month is worth the price to have her living on her own.
She was still 17 when all this transpired. Superman had to put the lease in his name because she was a minor. She tried to enroll in the local high school, but being a minor she has to go to school in the district/zone where her parents live. Um, nope. Special case here. Even with her dad on the lease, that wasn't enough. So she waited until after her birthday to go back to enroll. They handed her a couple more hoops to jump through. I think she's done everything they asked of her. They said they'd call her. She's still waiting.
Diva wanted to get a second job, because damn, living on one's own is expensive! (Yeah. Duh. Living with ungrateful greedy children is really expensive.) She found employment at a new burger joint opening down the street. Then she made the mistake of mentioning it at Taco Bell, so they fired her - two weeks before she started the new job. But then I get confused, because she was still at Taco Bell the day she.. Well, let me tell you about the level of awareness and personal responsibility Diva has attained!
She had been working with a manager she liked and respected. He treated her in kind. Of course he was transferred, because Corporate Decisions. The new manager isn't as easy to work with. She and Diva had some disagreement, the specifics are unimportant (I don't know them). She was "getting all up in (Diva's) face!" Diva, bless her heart, recognized her triggers and tried to back down. The manager told her to go into the office so they could discuss it. Diva, having finally learned a thing or two about herself, knew that was a bad idea. She told me she just knew if she'd gone in, she'd have gotten so angry as to lose her temper and end up "punching the bitch" which would lead to jail. I am so proud of her for having this foresight! She said to the manager "I need to leave," to which the manager responded "If you leave now, you won't be back." Diva said "OK" and walked out.
And Diva already has another job, so she's not destitute or anything. There was a week between the Taco Bell stint and the new thing, so funds might be tight this month. She's learning about life, for sure. And really learning! Not just pretending to, then doing some other stupid shit. Diva was to start her new job this past Monday. I haven't talked to her so don't know how it's going.
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Who's next? Let's look at Sproing. This young man needs some real life experience to teach him some truths, dammit. Back in October when I last posted, he was in the county hoosegow awaiting trial. His case went to court Wednesday of the week before Thanksgiving. They did a legal plea thing and applied a Youthful Offender thingie to the case. He was sentenced to 1-6 years, suspended, then put on probation for two years. As long as he stays out of legal trouble for these two years, he'll be able to have his record expunged. That's the Youthful Offender deal. So he came home in time for Thanksgiving, but the rest of us (Superman, Twitch, and I) went to Pennsylvania to visit Light for Thanksgiving. Couldn't take Sproing, so he spent his Thanksgiving alone. Kinda sucks, but it is what it is (as my brother likes to say).
Since coming home he's supposed to be getting back into a school of some kind and getting a job. Guess what. Neither has happened. He has filled out a few applications, and kinda talked about the school options. Right after Thanksgiving we contacted the high school about him re-enrolling, but because of his felony conviction, they don't want him there. I understand. I don't think he's cut out for traditional high school classes and all that bullshit anyway. His guidance counselor at school and I think he should get his GED. For some reason Sproing is adamantly opposed to that idea. Says he wants a genuine High School Diploma. We're supposed to be looking into online school options.
There's been a spanner thrown into the works, as the Brits like to say. Remember the part where he stays out of trouble for two years? Well, oops. There was a thing with some friend of his concerning two stolen watches. Sproing didn't steal them, I'm 97.5% positive. But he gave a ride to this kid when driving Superman's truck one evening. The next day Superman and I went out for a romantic lunch hour at Taco Bell (livin' large!) and I saw something shiny in the passenger side door pocket. You guessed it, the missing watches! Superman took them to the sheriff's office, Sproing was arrested for possession/receiving stolen goods. I'm pretty sure he knew nothing about the watches being in the truck until I found them. That kid probably left them there. Now Sproing has to go to trial to be exonerated on that charge. I hope that's what happens, anyway. If not, this violates his probation and he'll likely have to serve time, 1-6 years, in jail. I hope he gets out of this mess.
In the meantime, he had a birthday. He turned 18 last Sunday. This changes things legally, but I'm unclear on the specifics.
Sproing has been trying a little harder this week to find work. I think he wants to do the right thing, but sometimes... I don't know. Maybe I'm a bad influence on him. It isn't the same, me not working versus him not working, but he doesn't see it like that. But I feel guilt and other vague negative emotions about it.
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There are other things you probably want to know, or that I want to tell you, but this post is plenty long enough already, and I have pushed myself into a funk and don't have the gumption to write any more. That's "any more" not "anymore". There is a difference. These things become inordinately important to me when I have lost control of other parts of my life. Another example: there may be other things to say, and maybe I'll write another post soon. "May be" and "maybe", two different things.
