All in the Family

I talked to my mother today. I'm like my youngest brother in that I rarely call my family when I'm having a bad time of things. I haven't called her in a few weeks. Today she called me. 

I told her a few of the kids' latest escapades. She's clueless and upset about it, too. But she told me that I'm not the only one in the family dealing with crap from children. Mama had three kids: me, Brother 1, and Brother 2.  Brother 1 has had trouble with his two boys for a long time. His oldest in in his early 20s, and his youngest is a couple of months older than Twitch. I heard today that both of Bro 1's boys are in trouble. His son 2 has run away from his mother (my brother's ex). No one knows quite where he is. He dropped out of high school a couple of years ago and has not done squat with his life. The oldest, a father of a 2 year old girl, is estranged from his daughter's mom, got fired from his job for being a dumbass, and has impregnated his current girlfriend. They are living with the girlfriend's mother, since he's an unemployed dumbass.

Brother 2 has a 15 year old daughter who has been giving them hell for a few years. She's batshit crazy, but so is her mother (Bro 2's ex). She tried to run away from the school's resource officer when Bro 2 went to pick her up from school. She had been caught doing something wrong, smoking in the bathroom or something. I dunno. The school suspended her for a few days, and called dad to come get her. She made a huge fuss about getting into dad's car, and when the resource officer went over to see about things, she ran away. That landed her in a pediatric psych ward for a week or two. I'm not sure just what is going on with her now. The hospitalization occurred about three months ago. She is a huge bundle of trouble. 

Diva is younger than her cousins, but she's getting into some freaky shit at a somewhat younger age than they did. I think. Now that I think about it, Bro 2's daughter was about this age when either she or her mother (if it was her, it was at the urging of her mother) accused Bro 2 of sexually abusing her. He never did that. The ex-wife gets her jollies from screwing up my brother's life. Seriously. Anyway, Diva has started early, and it will only get worse from here. The next 5-7 years are gonna be doozies. 

Twitch graduates from high school on Friday. The grandparent invasion begins Thursday with my mom's arrival. The in-laws drive in Friday. It's a 5 hour drive for them, and they want to do it Friday. They are staying in a hotel in town Friday night, then driving back early Saturday. They are too old for that shit, but there's not reasoning with them since they are always right.  My mom flies back home Sunday. I am very proud of Twitch for achieving his high school diploma. The ceremony, the grandparent invasion, all that stuff is crap that I have to endure. I'll just grit my teeth, try to smile, and wait until it's over. 

It has been another relatively peaceful day around here. Huzzah! They have two more full days of school, two half days, and then they're done until late August. May the Good Baby Jeebus deliver us. 

The Day After

Today has been surprisingly calm. Diva has been in her room all day, coming out to use the bathroom only with permission. I also had her come to the table to eat her meals. Rather than go to the trouble of actually fixing gruel for her breakfast, I poured her a bowl of Cheerios. For lunch she had a peanut butter and jelly sammich with a glass of milk. Light fixed a delicious supper of Orange Roughy, homemade hard rolls (dipped in balsamic vinegar and olive oil), green beans and applesauce. It was SO good! We let Diva out of her room to join the family for dinner. She was very pleasant. Sproing wasn't, though, so (of course) we didn't have a particularly peaceful dinner. It was very tasty, though. 

Sorry, got distracted there for a few. It was a really good dinner! 

Diva cleaned her room. What the hell else was she to do in there? She hasn't complained or pouted at all. Sometimes I think she enjoys being left alone in her room. Whatever, it works for me. Superman screwed the windows shut last night. I don't like doing that because it eliminates the fire escape, but in this case it is necessary. We may not leave them like that for long, but it needed to be done now. Diva got upset once this morning. Remember the bed Superman built for her? She slept on it for maybe a week, but has had her mattress on the floor for a few weeks now. She kept falling off the bed, and the bed is high enough so that it's a painful fall. 

Right now Superman is disassembling the bed's legs and using the wood to make some shorter legs. I want her to be off the floor. She's had the bed on its side for a couple of weeks; I don't know why. Today she tried to set it upright all by herself, and that didn't work at all. I didn't want it upright because the whole idea is to unscrew the legs anyway. She pitched a crying fit about that. I told her to hush. I gave her the old standard parent line: "If you don't hush, I'll get the paddle and give you something to cry about!" You know that line. It's the one I swore I would never use on my children when I became a parent. Never say never.

Sproing was amazingly sweet, compliant, and helpful today. Diva was out of his hair. He also started taking a new medication a couple of weeks ago, and that seems to be making a big difference in his ability to control his outbursts over life's frustrations. Sproing had a list of jobs to do today, with incentive. Each job successfully completed earned a little bit of money. It varied by the task. If he finished three jobs, he got an extra dollar. Five jobs completed earned him an extra two dollars. If he did all of them, he got a five dollar bonus. He was really excited about this! Superman came up with the idea. He's a genius. The boy did all of the jobs on the list! He needed some help weeding the flower bed in the front yard. It was really nasty, and hasn't been cleaned out since sometime last summer (if then). Lots of grass among the irises. A real mess. 

Superman and Twitch went to the housing orientation at Twitch's new college. He starts July 13th, and moves in on the 10th. I was supposed to go with them, but with Diva's behavior of late, I didn't feel comfortable leaving her with Light. Diva can be totally nasty to her siblings. She has no respect for Light's authority. Hell, she barely has respect for my authority. I was a big bad mean Mama today, though, so it was all good.

Back to Twitch and college: he and Superman have been there at least three times. They went for a look-see visit, then for a financial aid seminar, and today for the housing orientation. When Twitch moves in, though, I am going to have to take him. He moves on Friday, July 10th. There's some kind of orientation thing on Saturday the 11th, and classes begin on Monday the 13th. Note how that Saturday is July 11th. Coincidentally, Superman's sister is getting married on July 11th. That sets up an uncomfortable conflict. I actually wanted to go to the wedding this time. I haven't been to the in-law's home town in a few years. By choice. On both sides of this fence. But I was looking forward to being there for SIL's wedding. I'm super thrilled for her. She's been through the wringer with relationships recently, but that's another story I'll not get into now. I'm wandering all over the topics tonight as it is. Anyway, of course Superman will go to his own sister's wedding. He'll take Light and the terrible twosome (I assume). 

That leaves me to help Twitch move into his apartment at school. That's almost funny. I have enough trouble carrying my big fat ass around. There isn't much I'll be able to carry into his new home. He's a strong, strapping young man, though, and hopefully he'll be able to do the lifting himself. We have a nice hand truck. 

I can push that with boxes on it. I hope his apartment is on the first level. So the first time I see his school and his apartment will be when he moves in. I had hoped to see stuff today. Alas, 'twas not to be. Once more I made a sacrifice for my children. It is what we do. Most of the time I don't much mind. Sometimes it is crappy. 

I actually accomplished something today! Backing up a tiny bit, while I was in Baltimore Superman cleaned up a very messy portion of our bedroom. It was wonderful. Today I cleaned off our dresser. We haven't seen the top of that dresser in at least three years. I'm pretty pleased with myself. I followed the advice of those in the know. I did NOT leave the room!! I had a garbage bag and a box. If something needed to be put in another room, it went into the box. I threw a lot of stuff away. Amazing how many old receipts pile up when I'm not looking. The dresser looks pretty good now. The box with not-for-the-top-of-the-dresser stuff is on the floor beside the dresser. I was too hot and sweaty and stinky to take care of it, but it is all together, and I can work on that later. Perhaps 15 minutes at a time, right Patrick? It was fairly easy to decide what should be removed from the dresser. The more difficult task is deciding where the rejects go. Some of it should probably be thrown away. Some of it needs to go with my sewing and craft supplies. The kicker there, though, is that my craft stuff is in such terrible disarray that there isn't really any kind of appropriate "away" place for most of what I have. That's a task for another day. 

Right now I'm going to call my day "done." Thank you all for your support and encouragement. And thank the Deity (or Deities) that I had a pretty good day today. 

I am livid

I haven't been this angry in I don't know how long. I have finally calmed down enough to be able to type. Whether I'll actually be able to write or not, we shall see. 

Diva. O.M.G. Keep in mind, she's only eleven years old. OK. First of all there's the sex thing I mentioned a few days ago. I got home late Wednesday night, and had a discussion with her about it Thursday afternoon. 

But on Thursday afternoon, I had to hunt for her. See, she's grounded; not allowed to go out of the house except to attend school. But she left the house within 15 minutes of getting home from school. I wasn't watching her. I stupidly assumed that since she knew she was grounded, that she'd stay home. Nope. I found her, and she seemed incredulous that she was grounded. Couldn't figure out why. Then she lied to me, saying her daddy said she would be grounded over the weekend, but not Thursday. I called Daddy. He assured me he had said no such thing to her. 

Thursday afternoon the school hosted a yearbook signing "social" that some of the kids were going to. I'm not sure how the attendees were chosen, whether they had to buy special tickets to go, or if they earned the privilege. I don't know. One of the teacher chaperons was collecting tickets, though. Diva had been looking forward to going to this event. Well, after her previous indiscretions she was not allowed to go. So she snuck out of the house, hung out with her friends, and I assume she was waiting until time for this little party so she could walk over there. I scotched her plans by finding her and dragging the poor thing home. You should have seen her countenance. She looked as though she was being persecuted unjustly. She genuinely seems to not realize that she has done something wrong. 

She was frantic about going. She told me that if she didn't get her yearbook at the party that afternoon, all the left over yearbooks would be thrown away. I knew that to be untrue, but I checked up on the information. Yep, she'd lied to me again. I went to the school and asked the teacher. Yearbooks get distributed next week for those who didn't get them early. 

I left her at home with Light (we're still talking about Thursday afternoon) while I ran a couple of errands. When I got home, Diva was gone again. A couple of her friends came by to see her, and Light told them Diva couldn't play. They went around to her bedroom window. Light heard Diva talking to them, so she went to check on Diva. The child was in the process of climbing out her window. Light pulled her back inside and Diva got violent and shoved her sister into the doorjamb. She climbed back out the window and wandered off with her friends. 

Diva showed up shortly after I got home. Superman arrived just after I did, and she walked in with him. We questioned her about what happened, and she lied again. She said she'd opened the window to let the cat inside. She denied climbing out the window. When pressed, she would only say that she almost went out. Or something like that. It was funny, except it wasn't, how she refused to admit what she had done. 

She's been up to it again today. I discovered before I left for Baltimore that my collection of state quarters was missing. While I was away, Superman cleaned up the corner of the room where my quarter collection lives and he didn't find it. She says she didn't take it, but I don't believe her. She said she couldn't remember where the display folder was, indicating that she had taken it. 

She needed to have her hair "done." She arranged with an older girl from the neighborhood to do it for her. That was supposed to happen this afternoon, but the older girl wasn't at home. Sometime around 9:00 tonight Diva snuck out again to meet up with these girls. I'm not sure if they came by to get her, or what. Superman and I went to ask her a question and she was gone. Light said Diva had told her she was leaving. Light said "Did you ask Mama?" Diva lied, said that I knew all about it. It is not alright for her to go out after 6:00, especially if we don't know where she is or that she has left. Does that make sense? She seems to be completely befuddled about what was wrong with her behavior. 

Oh, and when I tried to talk to her about what happened with the boys (yes, there were two) when she had sex, she denied having sex. The boy and his sister, however, say that it did happen. The word I got was that they were all naked, and each of the boys took a turn lying on top of her. I have no way of knowing if there was any penetration, but even if not, lying naked together like that is close enough to be sex for the purposes of this discussion. She assured me that she had not taken off her pants at all that afternoon, except to use the bathroom and she was by herself in the bathroom. Lies. 

I made an appointment for her to see my gynecologist. I spoke with the doctor's nurse, who asked what I wanted them to do. I told her I want them to scare the shit out of the child. The nurse assured me that they could do that, and would be happy to. She will have a simple pelvic exam, a PAP smear, and they'll test for chlamydia and gonorrhea. Then the doctor will talk to her about STDs, with gross pictures to illustrate the point. 

I fear that it won't really scare Diva, though. She doesn't make the connection. The idea of consequences does not filter into her little brain. When she experiences consequences, (and believe me, she does) the child feels unjustly persecuted. She can't understand that the current unpleasantness is in any way related to what she did. She sees nothing wrong with what she does. If she wants to do it, then it's OK. 

She goes in for the psych tests in 1.5 weeks. It can't come soon enough. 

am home

I have a kitten sleeping on my chest. She is putting me to sleep.

I got home at 9:30 last night after a very long drive. But part of that drive took place on twisty-windey roads through the mountains, so I was pleased. Today I'm just tired. 

I am waiting on a call from my gynecologist's nurse re: Diva. I want to talk to her before I make an appointment. 

Had a marvelous time in Baltimore. Really like spending time with Indigo. I miss him now. I'm glad he'll be here in 5 weeks. 

I don't have anything else to say right now. I'll post some pictures and write some more when I'm not so sleepy. In the meantime, I'll take a nap. Gawd, I love naps.

Notes from the road

Today has been a traveling day for me, and tomorrow will be much the same. I am in Lexington VA at a hotel that was stamped with a cookie cutter, pretty much like the other hotels along this road. And like the other hotels at every exit on the interstate all up and down the eastern seaboard and beyond. It has a bed, warm running water in the bathroom, and the air conditioner works! 

I have been in Baltimore since last Friday. This week Baltimore has been warm and humid. It hasn't been really hot, and the temps cooled off throughout the weekend, but not much. The humidity has remained high, though, and there isn't a lot of air movement through Indigo's house. It's a row house, like bazillions of other row houses in that city. It seems as though air flow was not the primary concern of the architects 100+ years ago. Eh. 

I am taking a long and winding route home. I was originally planning to leave Baltimore tomorrow, but with the situation at home being so tense I decided to leave today. I still won't get home until tomorrow, but it won't be as long and hard a trip so I'll arrive (hopefully) a little more refreshed than I would if I drove the 12 hours straight through in one day. And I've taken the scenic route. I drove on Skyline Drive through parts of Virginia today. It would have been majestically beautiful if the sky had been clear. Mostly I saw fog. That was fun, though. When the fog is pretty dense I see ghosts in the road ahead of me. They flit in and out, only appearing for a second. Sometimes the ghosts look like big cars or buildings or very large animals. The one time I rounded a curve to find a large doe in the middle of the street, I had to realize that it was really a deer, not a figment of the fog. She proceeded safely across the road. All is well. 

I saw quite a few turkeys today. Hens, mostly(I think they were), and solitary. I have always seen turkeys in flocks, with a tom or two and a passel of hens. I suppose these turkeys may have been young males. I don't know, but it was fun seeing them. 

I have a bunch of stuff to deal with when I get home. I will make an appointment for Diva to see the gynecologist. I think she needs to have an examination as soon as possible. I'm hoping the doctor can scare her with frightening information. I'm hoping she listens to the doctor better than she listens to me. I'm her mother. I obviously don't know anything. 

Thank you. All of you who have expressed concern, wished us good luck with this situation, offered to have a few glasses of wine (or hard liquor) on our behalf, you have been a great encouragement to me. This isn't an easy situation (duh) and I don't expect any advice, necessarily. We have some medical/psychiatric support in place and things are in process. Meanwhile, your encouragement really helps my spirits. 

On the agenda for tonight is a warm bath, then sleep. I shall return with more interesting information (or the same old dull stuff) as soon as possible. 

Meanwhile, back at the bawdy house

I talked to Superman about half an hour ago. He had this bombshell to drop: Diva has been having sex with one of the other 5th grade boys from our neighborhood. Yes, Diva, who will be 11.5 on the 4th of June. How did we discover this? The "young man's" parents came 'round to let us know about it. They just discovered the indiscretion themselves, following up on a rumor they'd overheard. From what Superman told me, the boy's parents were very nice, very concerned (of course) and felt that as her parents, we really needed to know what is going on. 

So now we know. Are we surprised? No. Are we distressed? You had better believe it! Do we know what the hell to do about it? No. I expected something like this, really, just not so soon. 

I'm still reeling. Superman is still reeling. My mind is buzzing with ideas, options, possibilities, worst case scenarios. And we will think about it tomorrow. And the next day. And this too shall pass, eventually. I'm just afraid it will be replaced with something worse. 

No, I can't think about it right now. I'll explode. 

Gawd, I wish I was making this up. 

The situation warrants

an update. Yes, I am in Baltimore. Right now I'm sitting in Indigo's living room on his new recliner. It's very comfy, and it reclines so as to comfortably allow me to type away on the computer. What fun! Indigo made waffles this morning! 

I actually left home at my target time! I was so impressed with me. I woke up Friday morning 15 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. I had set it to 4:00 a.m., but evidently I'd had enough sleep fifteen minutes before that. I had packed almost everything into the car the day before, so there was not much to do to get ready to go. I pulled out of the driveway at approximately 4:50. I would have been here at the 12 hour mark had I not arrived in the greater Baltimore area right at rush hour. I made very good time until I was within about 20 miles of my destination. That final 20 miles took 45 minutes. Ah, well. I made it, and have been enjoying myself ever since. 

Indigo and I went shoe shopping yesterday. A refresher in Java trivia: Java hates shoe shopping. We went to the DSW store. I found the shoes I needed with the second pair I tried on!!!! Yes, I only tried on two pairs. The lovely young woman assisting us was a pleasure to work with. Indigo and I were having lots of fun being silly, and she joined in the fun. I'll have to take a picture of my new shoes. 

I have some pictures I want to share, but they are still in my camera. I'm too comfy in this comfy chair to get my camera and download the photos. I will get to it later. 

I drove through the Shenandoah Valley. Wow. Gorgeous! I love that area, slightly east of the Appalachian mountains in North Carolina and Virginia. I would move there if the opportunity were right. I stopped at one point somewhere in Virginia to stretch my legs and use the bathroom. It was so pretty, but it smelled of skunk. I assume all of the Shenandoah Valley doesn't always smell of skunk, but the part I smelled was stinky. I will forgive. Heck, I'm over it already. 

There may be a few other things I wanted to tell you, but I can't remember right now. I'll get around to yammering on about other stuff within the next day or so. In the meantime, enjoy your weekend, and for those of us in the U.S., enjoy the holiday weekend. 

Well,... plus news of an impending road trip!

After hemming and hawing about it for literally months, I decided to share my blog address with my English prof. I just sent out an email to her with the link to this here bloggie thing. This week we (the class) have been discussing a few of the forms of writing found online. Today's discussion, (which I need to go write on that discussion board) is about blogging. It is time to show her my online place. 

Now, on to other news: yes, I am taking a road trip! I know I was all wishy-washy on this topic a few weeks ago, but situations have transpired to bring about a perfect-ish opportunity to visit Baltimore. Well, technically I'm not visiting Baltimore, exactly. If I had my druthers I'd avoid Baltimore like the plague. However, my darling friend Indigo lives there, as you may know. In order to visit Indigo, I must go to Baltimore. Alas, it is my fate. He gets to return the favor and come visit me in a few weeks, too. What fun! 

The details are that I leave early* tomorrow morning. I'll drive most of the day to cover the 600 miles between here and there. I'll be in Baltimore until mid-week next week, probably coming home on Wednesday. Updates as the situation warrants.

There is much to do in preparation for this trip. I have begun the preps, but the list of things yet to do is much longer than the list of things accomplished. On that note, TTFN.

*The definition of "early" is yet to be determined. Ideally I will be out of town before 5:00 a.m. Much depends on how ready I am this evening, and how early I go to sleep!!

A Meme

Stolen from Ur-Spo

1. What is your current obsession?

I'm too tired for obsessions.

2. What do you see outside your window? 

I can’t see out the window because it’s too dirty. I get a hint of green tree canopy, though.

3. If you could have any super power what would it be? 

Transmogrification

(click to embiggen)

4. What is your favorite color?

I like all colors. My least favorite is red, though there are many applications in which red is the perfect color. I am not fond of wearing red clothes.

5. Who was the last person you hugged?

That would be Sproing, who jumped on me before I got out of bed this morning.

6. Which animal would you be?

Depending on the circumstances, probably a chicken

7. What’s for dinner?

Twitch is fixing chili. This will be interesting. 

8. What’s the last thing you bought?

I spent money for Diva and Sproing to get an ice cream treat during the school’s field day on Friday. Does that count? I don’t remember the last thing I bought for myself.

9. What are you listening to right now?

The hum of the refrigerator

10. What are your current favorite films?

“Enchanted” “Noises Off”

11. What’s on your bedside table?

Dust. Under that, I’m not sure. Lots of miscellaneous papers and books and CDs and I don't know what else.

12. If you could have a house totally paid for, and fully furnished, anywhere in the world, where would it be?

The Appalachian Mountains

13. What would you like to have in your hands right now? 

A bowl of chocolate ice cream with malted milk powder stirred into it

14. What is your favorite children’s book?

Fox in Socks

15. What is your favorite tea flavor?

Orange spice, I guess. I know I've had better tea than that, but it has been a while and I forget what the flavor was.                      

16. What is your favorite article of clothing?

An old wrap-around apron, soft and worn

17. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?

Central Park, New York City

18. What did you want to become as a child?

I never did figure that out. I’m still not sure.

19. What posters/pictures do you have on your bedroom wall? 

A piece that Light painted in her painting class recently - I should take a picture of it and post it here. You might like it.

20. What is your plan for tomorrow?

Sew a little bit, prepare for a road trip!

21. What was your first job?

Care provider in an institution for the severely handicapped

22. Say something to the person/s who tagged you:

I kinda tagged myself for this one, having stolen it from Spo. Hi, Spo!

23.  Post a favorite childhood photograph of yourself:

Old Friends

Just this week I received an email from an old friend of mine. She and I have been friends since we were in the 6th grade. My friendship with her is the longest lasting friendship I have. Over the years we have been able to pick up right where we left off after about half an hour of catching each other up on recent events. 

It has been a few years since we last communicated. She moved a few times, as did I. We still have the same email addresses, though, and she made contact with me a couple of days ago.

I wrote back, telling her briefly (well, briefly for me) about me and the family. I received an email in response this morning. She relates some interesting things about herself and her husband and kids. Her youngest child is two years older than Light. He is a senior at University of Florida, doing very well, and will be applying to med school soon. Her other two kids are also doing very well. 

This morning I sent off a somewhat more detailed missive telling her more about Twitch, and getting into some specifics about Diva and Sproing and the trouble we've been having with them. 

I have yet to tell her what I've been up to in the past three years or so. She doesn't know what is now the passion of my heart. She hasn't heard about me and The Gay. I ended today's email by telling her that there is more going on, but I will tell her more in the next email since this one was long enough already. 

So I'm going to tell her, of course, about my wonderful discovery of the fabulosity that is the gay community. 

A bit of background: her mother-in-law is a lesbian, I'm pretty sure. My friend and I met her in-laws at the same time, back when we were about 12 years old. The guy who is now her brother-in-law was in our class throughout middle and high school, and we both went to the church where their family was very active. Southern Baptist, naturally. There are five children in that family; the oldest is a girl, the oldest brother was a guy I had a bad crush on all through middle school, the second son married my friend, the third son was in our class, and the youngest son is a year or two younger than our classmate. The other member of the household was a woman, contemporary to their mother, who shared a bedroom with mother. 

There were a lot of people in the house, obviously, and bedroom space was at a premium. Nevertheless. The two women, Shirley (the kids' mother) and Bobbie, shared a large waterbed. Bobbie looked very dykish. Heavy-set, short cropped hair, somewhat masculine features. She wore dresses when I saw her, at church, and always wore a girdle. I find that amusing, but beside the point. The point, though, is that though nothing was ever said, it's pretty obvious that they were lovers. They lived together like spouses, for sure, both of them riding herd on the kids like parents. 

Even in my naive youth, I got a strong lesbian vibe from their oldest daughter. I kinda liked her, too. I didn't know her well, as she was a good bit older than me and was away at college when I was hanging around with the boys. 

Shirley and Bobbie still live together. Last time I visited them (many years ago now) the kids were all out of the house, and they had moved to a small town north of Orlando (where we all used to live). They had separate bedrooms, which kinda surprised me. I have no idea, though, what the sleeping arrangements were. I didn't ask. It was then and still is none of my business. 

My friend and her husband are very active in church. Her husband is now a preacher (he always had leanings in that direction) in addition to being an Emergency Medical Tech. She is active in the music ministry. Their youngest son is planning to be a medical missionary. 

She's on Facebook. (Isn't everyone?) She wants to "friend" me. I looked at my friends list this morning. Except my husband and Birdie, I think everyone else on my freinds list is gay. And come on, y'all, Birdie is an honorary gay.  I find that amusing, myself. Since most of the people who will have anything to do with me these days are gay, it makes ever so much sense. I found her profile, and sent a friend invitation to her. We shall see what we shall see, won't we?

In my next email I will tell her about my passion for the gay community. Pretty much all of my old friends who know of my involvement with The Gay are now former friends. I am not afraid to tell her about The Gay, but I am afraid she will no longer accept me.  Since she and I have been friends for so long, and such good, strong, sister-like friends, will she remain my friend? 

Simon and Garfunkel, natch.

Breaking News (not)

I just removed my "f" key and cleaned underneath it. I hope it responds better now. F f-ity f f follicle family fifty of find friend ffff found fond front frond firm foundation. 

Never mind me. I'm just bored. 

Light has junque under/in her keyboard, too. She has never popped any of them off, and doesn't know if it is possible on her computer. She has a Dell Interferon* (or whatever it's called). Does anyone know if those keys can be removed? 

*Interferometer? Idolater? Impersonator? Inquisitor?**

**No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Indeed

Light turned me on to a new Lolz site called GraphJam.  ([dot]com) I am very amused. I saw this one and had to share it! 

see more Funny Graphs

It doesn't quite fit this column, unfortunately. Here's what it says:

Take over the world. And then make it fabulous.

Convince people to mind their own business.

Summertime, and the living is instructional

Lander's summer term began today. Like most colleges, they divide the summer term into two halves. I refer to these as summer A and summer B. I'm not actually sure what Lander calls it. They also have an all summer long term, so some classes are taught for the whole summer, rather than just half. I don't know what that's all about, but whatever. 

But let me tell you about my summer school. I am registered for a total of three courses, only one of which is taught in summer A session. It's another English class, and is taught completely online. How cool is that? This is my first online class, so I'm interested to see how it will work. I received an introduction to the class from the professor, and an assignment to introduce myself in the online discussion forum for this class. I have also read the first assigned short essay and completed the small written assignment. There is a larger written assignment due by noon next Monday, and I made a glancing effort to begin that. 

The professor is the same one I had for my English class last term. I'm glad, because I already know her and I like her. It is easier to do this faceless online thing (coursework, anyhow) if I know who I'm working with. Blogging facelessly online is a different matter. I do that all the time. 

She may introduce blogs as a topic of study. I know that she did when she taught this class in the spring. Since we've got such an abbreviated term, she may not. I am still undecided as to whether to invite her to read this here bloggie thing. Once again I will threaten to start a new blog, one for general consumption. I'm still thinking about it. If I do, it likely will be much blander than this one. Probably. I don't really know yet. 

My gut has been making occasional indications of mild ickiness for the past two days. Well, it finally gathered enough steam this afternoon to be more insistent. So I'm feeling more than less icky now. Practical translation: don't get between me and the bathroom. 

Things I did for myself today:

After I went to school to buy my books and take care of the few random beginning of term errands, I took a drive around some neighborhoods. I like checking out houses. I was looking for anything that may possibly be for rent, anything large enough that we could pretend to make it work for our family. No real reason right now, but sort of a just-in-case. The point in this paragraph is that I rode around in the cute little car looking at some interesting neighborhoods and enjoying myself. 

In this paragraph, we will discuss why I might want to look for another house. Superman and I had a discussion this weekend about selling this house. I have never liked it. It's a nice little place, for all practical purposes. I just don't like the practicality of it. It's too square, too ranch style, and has too much hold on us. I feel now like I want to be ready to spring when the time is right. When I finish this bachelor's degree I want to move elsewhere, and I don't want to be waiting around for the house to sell. So let's get it ready to sell now, move into something we can rent, and be ready to blow this town as soon as possible. 

Oh, I think I hear Superman arriving. Ah, yes. He's home. I'm going to go ramble at him for a while. TTFN.

P.S. My "f" key doesn't want to work. I keep typing "or" instead of "for." Aggravating. 

Five things I have done for myself

But first, a little bit of rambling and some newsy-ness. I wasn't online at all yesterday because I went with Light to get the rest of her stuff from college town. Superman and Twitch got almost all of it on the truck Thursday evening, but there were just a few things they couldn't fit on the truck. So Light and I went back to get those few things. 

Which, while necessary, was really (for me, anyway) an excuse to get some good Hot Fresh Now. 

We don't have any good doughnut bakeries in my little town, but college town has Hot Fresh Now Krispy Kreme. Glazed heaven. 

And no, buying myself some hot fresh glazed doughnuts is NOT on my list of things I have done for myself. 

There has been some discussion as I prepare to compose this list as to the definition of terms. Things I have done for myself - intentionally? or just things I have done with other motivations that have turned out to be good for me? Patrick and I decided that these things didn't count. That leaves out a lot. Another question: just how recent do these things need to be? Most of what I have done for myself, I did 25 + years ago. I'm going to include some of those, since that may be the only way we'll actually get up to five. And I'm only considering things that are significant enough to have made a real impact on my life. So let's do this thing.

Five Things

1. I went to Boston. In the early spring of 1982, when I was a sophomore in college, I had an opportunity to help a friend drive up to Massachusetts from Macon, Georgia. It would require that I skip a whole week of school, since the timing didn't coincide with Spring Break that term. She was to be in a friend's wedding somewhere in central Massachusetts, but I wanted to go to Boston because my boyfriend at the time, Rohan, was attending MIT. I went, spent the week with him, did all manner of interesting things, and had a wonderful time. I ended up flunking one of my classes, but I had taken it Pass/Fail anyway, since I did not get along with the professor, so the "Fail" didn't affect my GPA. I'm no dummy. 

About a week after my return to Macon, I met Superman. That changed the course of my life in a most astounding way, but I had no active role in the arrangement of that meeting. It doesn't count as one of the five. 

2. I married Superman. Hell, I backed him into proposing to me. (I might tell that story sometime.) I will include this in my list because it was an active decision on my part, and I guess I did it for me. The truth of the matter is that I just had to marry him. Not "had" to marry him as in I was "in trouble." When I called my dad to tell him we were marrying, he asked with a snippy tone of voice "Are you pregnant?" No, I wasn't. I just couldn't live without the man. It was compulsory that we marry. He proposed on November 2nd, 1982, and we married on March 17th, 1983.

I stayed married to him. That isn't numbered because it technically doesn't belong in this list. It was a very good thing to do, and it benefited me greatly, but that's not what I was thinking when I made the decision(s). There were a few times in the first few (10?) years of our marriage when the thought of leaving his sorry ass did cross my mind. Deciding to stick it out was motivated by my unhealthy martyr complex more than any good will toward myself. As it turns out, being married to Superman is the best thing about my life now. 

3. I put my kids in public school. I did it for me, but also for them. There again, I had pushed myself to the brink of insanity with homeschooling the older two and trying to care for the toddlers/preschoolers Diva and Sproing. Those two have never been easy to parent. Keeping them out of trouble while successfully educating Light and Twitch was more than I could handle. I put the two oldest in middle school, and the next year Diva and Sproing were in all-day kindergarten. The 2003-'04 school year I was without specific employment. I enjoyed a year off. The following year, 2004, when the kidlets were in first grade, I took the bus driving job. 

4. I quit my bus driving job. That was only last year; March of 2008. Really, though, I should have stopped driving the bus at the end of the previous school year. By the time I finally did quit, that job had sapped nearly every bit of emotional stability out of me. After Spring Break last year (March 2008) I just could not make myself get back on the bus. I figure this entry is a little bit fudged because, like getting married, it seems more like a compulsory action than a self-benevolent decision. 

5. I went back to college. That, obviously, is very recent. Since I graduated from Mercer U. in 1986 I have wanted to return to college. I really want my master's degree, but right now I'm getting a second undergraduate degree. That has more to do with where I live and what's available to me than what I really want to do. The idea is that when I earn my second degree I will go into a graduate program more to my liking, both in academic subject and geographic location. 

So there you have it. I think only the first and last items really belong in this list, since the middle three I only did when I had finally worn myself to a complete frazzle and didn't have too much choice in the matter. 

What do you think? 

The boy

He is making this decision a lot easier. 

Superman and Twitch are up in college town moving Light home for the summer. That leaves me home alone with the dynamic duo. She's being sweetness and honeycomb. He's being the demon spawn. Again. He did this last night, too. Tonight I'm on my own with him. Since I am typing this right now, it's obvious that I am taking a break from the drama. He is in his bedroom now, throwing things against the wall again and screaming, yelling, insulting the world. He isn't crying, though. It's just angry yelling.  Oops! I spoke too soon. He's crying now, too.

He pulled the "slave" card on me tonight. I laughed heartily. "I'm just a slave. You treat me like a slave. I'm nothing to you." I told him he was my son, and that sons help out with chores for the good of the whole family, just like everyone else does.  What was particularly funny about this discussion was that while we were talking, Diva was on her hands and knees in the bathroom scrubbing cat turds off the floor. 

We pause for a moment...

to consider the disaster.

I have tried to stay calm tonight. I started out being pleasant to him. I have tried to ignore as much as I can. It's like I'm watching this from two perspectives. On the one hand I'm in the thick of it. But there is a sense that I am a casual observer to the train wreck. 

I lost it. He finally went into his room after tearing around the house banging things, throwing things, slamming doors, etc. I told him to stay in his room, and quit breaking my house. He came back out and railed on Diva, then slammed himself back in the room. I got a spatula from the kitchen and sat outside his bedroom door, waiting for him to try that shit again. I didn't have to wait long. When he opened the door I walked him back into the room and spanked his sorry behind with the spatula. I'm quite proud of myself. It was just a spanking, and not a very long one. I did not lose all of my shit and beat him until I was exhausted. There is a temptation to do that sometimes. 

No, tonight I gave him a couple of perfunctory swats then took the spatula back to the kitchen, where I got his medicine. He's has now taken his evening medication, which help to calm him down so he can sleep. After he took his meds, I stood beside his bed and told him all about it. Loudly. In his face. This is the gist of what I said: The misery he is experiencing is all his own doing. And he's sharing the wealth of misery with the entire family. And I'm sick sick sick sick sick of it. What he will not do is back-talk me the way he was tonight, or refuse to come in when I call him, or throw things against the wall, or slam doors (I need to stop modeling that behavior myself. oops) or scream at me or anyone else in this family, or... I don't remember what all I said. I was on quite a roll. And I don't regret a bit of it. 

On to other things now, Lewis suggested in the comments on the previous post that I make a list of five things that I have done for myself. I really like that idea, and that was going to be my next post. Sproing preempted that, so now I'm saying that my next post will be a list of five things I have done for myself. 

Gloom, despair, and agony on me

I'm working on the other one, the story of how I broke through John's wall of "duh" in order for him to notice me. But right now I can't concentrate on that.

Because I'm depressed. It doesn't matter how much I know, or how well I can intellectualize this mess, my heart has it's own message. The heart doesn't necessarily agree with my head. 

Last evening I talked to a woman from a group home for children about getting Diva and Sproing placed there. It was a lovely chat, and she was most kind. Today I started the legwork. I arranged for the kids' school and the psychiatrist's office to send info, reports, etc. about the kids to this home for wayward youths. I thought I was doing OK with it all, but this morning, as I actually put forth the effort to begin the process of temporarily removing the kids from my home I had a harder time than I thought I would. My heart is now overriding the voice of reason in my head. 

I can't take care of my own children. I have, at least on some level, failed them. I am shirking my responsibilities as their mother by sending them away. I'm reneging on the promise I made at their adoption hearings to love and care for them. I really don't want to do that. I am committed to being a good parent to these two younguns. But I can't do it. I have failed. 

I know all the right answers. I'm smart. My head knows these things. "I am being a good parent by getting them the help they need."  "I have done my level best, but we just need more help." "It's only temporary." "I am not giving up on them." "I'm doing this to help the whole family." 

Bullshit. I'm dumping them on someone else's plate. Let the group home deal with the bad attitudes and misbehavior because I'm tired and don't want to do it anymore. 

This conversation has been going on in my head since last night. It's getting louder. You see, when these voices start this kind of shit it rolls downhill, gaining speed and debris. I am generally worthless now. Worthless and undeserving.

Oh, and to make matters worse, I saw my physician this morning. I needed a refill of my acid reflux medicine and he wanted to recheck my iron levels, since I had some iron deficient anemia a few months ago. He checked my blood, and I have some. Iron level is good, but the blood sugar level is pushing the upper limits of normal. He's very concerned about my blood sugar, as I am quite overweight and am at risk for adult-onset diabetes. I think he is surprised I don't have it yet. I have gained 14 pounds since the last time I saw him (about 3 months ago, I think). He is not happy about that. He wants me to get regular exercise, and to cut down on fats and carbohydrates in my diet. He assures me that regular exercise will improve my mood, as well. I have heard of that, but have never experienced it myself. The only thing exercise has ever done for me is make me sore, hot, and sweaty. I don't like that. 

I don't like myself very much. I'm fat, lazy, worthless, an incompetent mother, and a slob. I look around me, at my home, my life, my body, and there is a lot of evidence to support these claims. 

I heard once upon a time that eating disorders are a form of very slow suicide. That makes a lot of sense to me. I overeat. I'm a stress eater, not that that is any excuse, but it is a reason. I've been under a lot of stress recently, and I have been eating a lot of high fat, high sugar foods. It's no surprise that I have gained more weight. 

Being in this state of mind prevents me from being as coherent as I want to be. This post seems to wander, ramble, and I think it just got stuck in a brier patch. I'm going to shut up now before I get myself stuck any worse than I already am. Besides which, it's time for me to get ready for my appointment with my therapist. Boy, is she ever gonna get an earful today.

Also,

I'll tell you what was the best most wonderful part of Mother's Day (the good parts that didn't involve Superman, anyway). I heard from an old friend of mine. He and I went to high school together! I have so very few friends these days anyway, and to reconnect with a friend from so long ago, my stars, it's wonderful. His name is John and he lives in Los Angeles now. 

We met each other my senior, his junior year of high school. He was (and still is, I think) a class A nerd. I had a crush on him, of course, and he didn't even know I existed. Of course.  We were in physics class together. Shall I tell you the story of how I got his attention? I'll go ahead and give you the spoiler: I didn't end up with him in the long run. I married Superman instead. So, do you want to know the story? 

Oh, and I gave him my blog address, so he may be showing up here soon. I hope so! John! Say "hi" in the comments, will ya'? (If you're not too shy)

Reflections on Mother's Day and some other stuff

First of all, Mother's Day: it was pretty good. Nothing spectacular from the kids, but I like it that way. Sproing was a little pain in the ass, and Diva was obnoxious, but that's to be expected. It wasn't extreme. Twitch was very sweet. And Light texted her felicitations in. Ah, the modern age.  

The best part of Mother's Day was the time I spent without the children, having some "quality alone time" with their father. It was very good "quality alone time." 

Secondly, the kitten: Last week she had her baby-making parts removed. Did I mention that already? I can't remember. Anyway, she is healing very nicely. It took her a day and a half before she was jumping up onto the high shelves again. She isn't meowing plaintively at the door, trying to get outside to hide under the house anymore. I like this whole spay-and-neuter-your-pets initiative. 

In the third part, the new little car: We've named her Eva. Eva the Aveo. It flows melodiously off the tongue. Superman filled up her gas tank last week. She filled up completely for less than $20, and got 26 miles per gallon of in town driving. This is so much better than the van's 9 miles per gallon on a $60 (or more) tank of gas. I like this. 

And that's about all I know today. I'm unaccountably tired, but I have these days occasionally. I'm not going to worry about it much. I may go take a nap. 

TTFN

Cat Stevens!

Do you remember Cat Stevens? What was your favorite song? What does it remind you of? 

This new day

First of all, thank you! To all of you who have commented, written, and even called to express your sympathy and support, I greatly appreciate you. 

Things here have cooled to a low simmer. I had a conference with Diva's teacher, the school nurse, and one of the resource teachers yesterday. Diva is doing very well in her academic endeavors. Her reading and math are both within the 5th grade level, only slightly below where she should be here at the end of 5th grade. This is a vast improvement for her. She has been one to two years below grade level in reading especially, and somewhat below level in math since the end of the first grade. I am very impressed with that aspect of her development. 

The teacher, however, is concerned about her social/emotional behavior. She does not work well with her peers. The teacher is also very aware of how manipulative Diva is. It's very nice to talk with her and have her understand exactly what I mean when I voice my concerns about Diva's, um, "limitations." She has her own Diva stories to add. 

The nurse was able to inform me of some of Sproing's actions. Yesterday he had a very good day. He helped the 5th grade teachers in a group thing the classes were doing, and earned himself a free soda. He was named the most helpful child of the day, or some such honor. I made much over that. He seems to be really trying hard. But he gets discouraged easily and has his little emotional fits. He did that again this morning, though it was a small one. We haven't had a huge screaming crying fit in days now. I'm pleased. 

Anyway, I have spoken with a few people at the school and in the psychiatric office where our counselors and doctors work. I have some idea of the things I need to do; mainly research some of the residential care facilities in the state. I haven't done it yet. I have spent most of the last two days distracting my mind with trivial frivolities. Passive Aggressive Notes, y'all. Hilarious! 

Now let's discuss Mother's Day very briefly. (oh-oh. It seems every time I say "briefly" I end up rambling on for paragraphs and paragraphs. I'll try to do better today.) As far as honoring my mother, I'm fine. She may not think it's enough, but right now I don't care. I do what I do. My issue, however, is with being the mother receiving the honor. Ugh. I am not even sure what upsets me about it, to tell you the truth, but I dread the day. This year the whole mothering thing is so terribly difficult and unrewarding that I don't even want to be reminded. And I despise all the praise and "adoration" when it comes from my children who, on every other day of the year, are so damned disrespectful. That of course does not apply to each of my children, but it does fit well on some of them. 

They have in the past (but not this year, yet) asked me what I want for Mother's Day. I tell them that I want them to behave, treat me with respect, and treat each other with respect. Eh. That's too hard. A box of chocolates is much easier. While I think chocolate is always a good idea, it is no substitution for genuine respect. Harumph. And that's all I have to say about that. 

On a nearly unrelated note, Scheherazade had her baby-making equipment removed this week. She was not very happy about the process, but seems to be recovering very quickly. I took her in Wednesday morning and Superman picked her up Wednesday afternoon. She slept it off until about 3 a.m. when I let her out of the crate to have some water and move around a bit. Then yesterday she was jumping around almost as actively as before. She threw up (on our pile of dirty clothes!) last night, but aside from that she seems to be better than new. Or she will be better than new once her shaved belly regrows its hair. (I know, it's much better for her to throw up on our dirty clothes than on our otherwise clean clothes. But still. ) 

The attempt at writing about "bad"

It's the kids. Sproing and Diva. I don't even feel like using their blog names now. It seems too "fun" or something. So I'll just use the "he" and "she" pronouns for now. 

Because this isn't fun. 

I don't remember what might have started it, or even if there was a specific precipitating event. It started last week. Oh, wait, I do remember something. He came home one afternoon last week from playing with friends. He was very upset. We finally got him to tell us what happened. A few of his "friends" had played a "game" with him wherein they took turns punching him in the chest to test how tough he was. They held him down while taking turns punching him. By technical definition that is a lynching, by South Carolina law, anyway. This is some serious shit, y'all. 

lynching noun  [Execution of a person by mob action without due process of law, especially hanging The police with difficulty prevented the swaying mass from lynching him on the spot. - Jerry Stokes by w:Grant Allen, Grant Allen] not this one. Look at the next one. Any act of violence inflicted by a mob upon the body of another person. Any act of violence inflicted by a mob upon the body of another person and from which death does not result shall constitute the crime of in the second degree and shall be a felony. - South Carolina Code of Laws Section 16-3-220

That's only half of it, though. Turns out his sister was among the offenders. We didn't find out that little piece of information until after the police officer (whom we called) was questioning them. The officer suggested that we not press charges since she did it to him and they are in the same family and it's all fucked up and the legal system would.. I can't finish the sentence clearly. Try to figure it out. Or keep reading. Maybe at some point I'll make sense again. But I doubt it. 

He has been hard to deal with. He comes home from school in a mood. He won't cooperate with anything. He gets over-emotional, overreacts to every little thing, then cries and screams for an hour or so. Every fucking day. I try to talk to him. I try to help him. He says he hates this family, hates his life. Last Friday he threatened to kill himself. He drew a picture of his sister dropping a cinder block on his head. He wants her to kill him? I am afraid she would participate in a scheme like that if he proposed it. 

And that's the other part of the problem. Her. She knows no bounds. It seems as though she has no judgment about stuff like that. Maybe she just has no judgment at all. I'm not even sure. She's very strange. She seems fine on the surface, but then she'll come up with some off the wall idea or action, and WTF?? 

And dammit, I am a good mother! I doubt myself sometimes, as has been chronicled here many times. But y'all, I am doing everything I can for these two. It is wearing away at my sanity, and I mean that in all seriousness. Am I just not very stable? One could make a valid argument on that point. But it is more than that. These kids are not well. There is something seriously wrong with both and/or each of them. 

I could spend all night second guessing myself. Does he manipulate me? Does she? Yes, I'm sure they do. Is all of this shit "faked" for my benefit? I doubt it. Can I outsmart them at this manipulation? Nope. I can't tell what is a put-on and what is real. I can see their actions, though. Empirical evidence demonstrates that they are both extreme. If it is all an attempt to manipulate me and Superman, and they do it to such an extreme, then that in itself is evidence of mental/emotional instability (and not just mine).

Late last week I was pretty messed up. Saturday was particularly bad. I'm beginning to have some obsessive thoughts and behaviors. I can't concentrate very well. I can't make decisions. For example, I just retyped that last sentence a dozen times trying to make it say what I wanted it to say in a way that was as perfect as possible. Obsessive and indecisive. 

I ran away to college-town to spend the day with Light. She took good care of me. I hate that I'm such a weakling that my daughter has to take care of me, but I'm mighty glad she can and does. I had a good time, I guess. It was more theraputic than "good," per se. I slept. We went out to Panera for lunch (a big treat for me, as we don't have such fancy places here in hicktown) then she suggested we go back to her room so I could lie down. I didn't even realize I needed to rest, but I really did. All day Saturday I felt so crazy. Insane. Disconnected from reality. 

Part of the problem was hormone induced. Aunt Flo showed up Sunday to explain that to me. But it is so much more than that! At least I think it is. I am too close to the situation, I suspect, to be able to see clearly. 

We actually are trying to do something about the kids, though. Superman and I met with the psychologist at the hospital on Monday evening. She will be giving Diva a battery of psychological tests to determine what the fuck is wrong with the child. 

Today I called his psychiatrist, telling her that there is something seriously wrong with the boy. She offered to call in  a prescription for more drugs to sedate him. SHIT WOMAN!! Stop shoving drugs at the poor boy and give him some real help!! Dammit. I asked her to set up psych testing for him, too. He needs it. They have both been tested before; hers was two years ago, his was a little bit longer ago than that. Things change fast at their age, though. (both are now 11.5)

Back to the psychologist at the hospital: She's wonderful. I really like her. Let's call her Dr. Good, since she's the only good one I know of in this town. We've worked with her before, both with these two and for Twitch. I have a whole lot more respect for her than I do for the docs in the psychiatric practice in town. We were discussing Diva, and because he's an integral part of the family and germane to the subject, Sproing. Dr. Good delicately broached the subject of placing the kids in alternate care. You know, like a home for troubled children or something. 

I have discussed this with you recently, haven't I? I think so, but am too lazy to go check the archives. The boy's principal brought up the idea a couple of weeks ago when the boy was misbehaving so much at school. So yes, only very recently we have begun to consider placing them in some kind of residential home-type-place. I'm not sure exactly how to go about it. We asked Dr. Good, and she said we'd get the results from her testing and take it from there. 

Problem: the girl-child won't even go in for testing for another month. That's as soon as they can get her in. Then there's the wait for the results, and only then can we move on a placement plan for her. And for him, since I only today started the psych-testing-ball rolling, it will be even longer. At this rate I suspect it will be mid- to late summer before anything actually happens with placing either of them in a residential program. 

I have a confession to make. Summer vacation starts for them on the 4th of June, and I am scared. I do not want to be home with them all day. Right now the two or three hours between when they get home from school and when Superman gets home from work is living hell. How will we survive them being home all day? And I will have started summer classes by then, myself. 

Here's the kicker. Here's the thing that stabs into my mother-heart. I. Can. Not. Do. This. Whatever they need is more than I can provide. Love is not enough. I have tried and tried and tried until there is barely anything left of me. 

Does this mean I have failed? The brain says "No! You have not failed. You have done everything within your ability, and it is good. You are seeking help for them now. You realize they need extra help and you are doing what you can to get them the help they need. That proves that you are a good mother."  Yeah. But my heart says "You can't help them. You have failed." (She's a real bitch)

And there you have it. That, my dear friends, is what I mean by "bad."

Trying

I'm going to try to write about it. 

Haven't posted in a few days because it has been bad. 

Having trouble forming sentences again.

It has been bad.

Still is bad. 

Posting this now, and will continue trying to write about it. I need to write about it.