Misc.

This song has been floating around in my head since mid afternoon today (Saturday). I don't know why. It's been years since I thought about it.


And for some reason pedophilia has been on my mind this afternoon, but I think I know why. C and I had a discussion about a woman he knows whose father sexually abused her from a very young age. In addition to emotional damage, she has physical damage from his abuse (both physical and sexual). There is a lot I could say about who would do such an evil thing, but I won't go there today. This conversation meshed with the topic of hell. Hell: is it real? Is it a place, some ethereal plane where "sinners" spend eternity, as I learned in church? I don't think so anymore. Nowadays I am more inclined toward the idea that hell happens here and now, caused by people doing terrible things to others.

Superman took all three of the kids to Carowinds today.  It was a treat for me to be here alone (well, except for C and his buddy). I had a very good day. I spent a lot of time with the dog (which reminds me, I owe you pictures of this dog. I also need to keep taking pics of him because he keeps growing). He's still getting the hang of doing his bodily eliminations outside. I watched him very carefully today and he did most of his business outside. Progress! He's a sweet puppy.

I also baked some bread. I considered doing more baking, but did other things instead. I went to the grocery fairly early this morning, leaving for the store around 8:30. I was gone an hour or so. Earlier would have been better, but the crowds weren't bad. I got through the checkout very quickly.

The other fun thing I did with all this alone time was start a new sewing project. I enjoy sewing, but don't do it often. It takes a lot of creative energy, and when the kids are here they drain my energy, making it nigh unto impossible to start a sewing project. I also need a chunk of uninterrupted time (minimal interruptions, at least) and with these trolls here that doesn't happen much.

I sort of wanted to take a nap, but decided against it. I have all this time to myself today, why waste it sleeping? Maybe I'll nap tomorrow (Sunday).

Let's see, what else was I going to tell you?

Sproing, as I think I've mentioned before, is now going to the alternative school, the place where delinquents who can't be civil in regular school spend time "refocusing" on their education. Yeah. About that. He was suspended from the alternative school for three days on account of he wouldn't sit quietly and do his work in class. I don't know about that boy. So he was home on Friday, and will be home Monday and Tuesday. This is  not the way I want to spend my days! This is yet another reason I don't have a job outside the home. We don't trust these kids to stay by themselves for very long. A few hours every so often, sure, but not all day every day of the week while Superman and I are at work. You'd think that by the time they were 15 they'd be responsible enough to take care of themselves. Nope. Not these two.

For the past two or three days Sproing has been relatively well behaved and cooperative. This is a big change from the week or so previous. O.M.G. That kid has been horrid. He's talking to us in a manner one does not talk to one's parents! Except he does. He argues about every little thing. He deflects the conversation (argument) from the topic at hand to insignificant side issues. He is supposed to be grounded right now but earlier in the week he just ran off with his friends and stayed out until almost 9:00, after dark. Didn't care that he was grounded. Wouldn't cooperate with anything. Screamed at me and his dad, was rude beyond belief, and hurtful too. He says some of the most hurtful things. I'm sensitive to it. He knows my buttons, dammit. I'm supposed to be able to remove my emotions from the conversations, let his comments roll of my back more samer than a duck with water.

The early part of the week was awful. On Monday I met with the Continuum of Care team to get Sproing back on their client list. I got a letter today saying that our request is denied. Evidently there are community resources we can access to help with his behavior. OK. Yeah, in the meeting I got a couple of leads for resources for him. Haven't checked into them yet. Frankly, I forgot. But the rejection letter today reminds me.

The meeting was difficult, as I had to discuss his behavior and defend myself as a parent. The other people in the meeting were kinda tough on me. They didn't say anything that isn't true. You know, they stepped on my toes. It was hard. I feel like I do the best I can with that boy (and his sister) but they're saying "you can do better." Well shit! This shit is hard! But they are right, there are things we can do to improve the way we handle it. It is really really hard to focus on the details when all hell is breaking loose around here! As parents we are not as consistent as we should be. There is too much chaos in the household. We get emotionally overwhelmed too easily.

On Tuesday I had another meeting with ... somebody. Oh, yeah, my psychiatrist. I laid into him about my troubles, and he said "sounds like you need a therapist." Yeah, well, I have one of those. Two, actually, since we've got a family therapist coming to the house once a week for now. I don't know what I was supposed to say to the good doctor. "Hi. I'm current on my meds. Nice weather we're having. Well, see ya' in three months." He gave me some advice, most of it useless. He doesn't work with children and adolescents, and I don't blame him. Those kidlets are tricky. So he doesn't know how the systems work. He suggested placing them (one or both) into an alternative living arrangement. Oh, doctor, you are so far behind the curve here! After a while I quit listening to him. The only thing he said that was marginally useful is to think of myself as a survivor rather than a victim. I'm not sure exactly how to do that, but it's something I can contemplate. He said that I am smart and something else, maybe intuitive or some such. Anyway, that I can figure this shit out if only I try harder. Made me want to cry.

Then on Wednesday I met with Sproing's counselor. He and I went in to the session together. He usually goes alone, but I needed to talk with the counselor (Marie. She's pretty good, actually.) about his atrocious behavior. He was in the office too, and he demonstrated some of his nasty attitude and rude behavior. Marie pointed out how I was falling into his trap, taking the bait he set for me. After maybe 15 minutes he got up and walked out. Fine. The little son of a bitch. So Marie and I finished the session. It was easier without him. She told me I was smart and intuitive or some shit. Pretty much the same thing my psychiatrist said. I cried. I started tearing up a bit before Sproing left, and I suspect that's what triggered his exit. He hates when I cry. He acts like a total shit, it frustrates and hurts me, I cry, and he gets upset. WTF?? Marie told me to be stronger (I'm starting to tear up now as I type this), not to take his bait. She told me to keep doing what I'm doing, be consistent. Basically, I (we) need to keep up the parenting. Even in the face of total failure (what it looks like from here. She says it isn't total failure, but I fail to see that) we need to continue to stand firm and guide the boy. And the girl, for that matter. I feel so overwhelmed, but the message I got for three consecutive days was that I need to muscle up, rethink my reactions to this shit, quit being overwhelmed and get stronger. Damn. I mean, DAMN. Dammit dammit dammit.

And ever since the counseling session on Wednesday Sproing has been trying to behave himself. He has had a good attitude, mostly, and isn't arguing or going into a rage the way he was for more than a week prior to Wednesday. He is easier to deal with now, for sure, but I know nothing has changed, really. He's still the same, and something will happen to tip him into the anger pool again. Don't know when, it could be tomorrow, or he could be copacetic for another week or maybe two. But then he'll lose his shit again and drag me through the emotional furnace. And in the meantime there's Diva. Who pulls the same shit, only with less predictability. And less self control, which gets really scary.

So, to review: I'm a failure as a parent, except I'm not. I'm smart and CAN figure this out, except I can't. Or haven't yet, anyway. Oh, and the family therapist has also told me that I am smart and creative and can figure out how to handle their shit. He said that a few weeks ago. I actually really like this guy, but sometimes he pisses me off. Or maybe it's me who pisses me off. I don't know.

OK, it's so late that it isn't even today anymore. I didn't get a nap today, and got up pretty damned early considering how late I went to bed last night. So I'm gonna shut down and go to sleep now. Well, soon. Eventually. Aw hell...

I think I hope this might be it

I got a call this morning from the social worker at the kids' school. She was calling about Sproing's behavior. Of course. I've been expecting her call. We chatted over the phone for a few minutes and I told her some of the stuff that's been going on. She asked if we had considered placing him in a residential facility, and mentioned a specific one that's in the next county. She has an application form. I told her I'd be there in 15 minutes!!

I went to her office, we chatted for a while. I was (am) so keyed up I can't sit still. And now I can't form coherent sentences, though I did better when I was in her office. She talked to me about options within the legal system. There are actually some good programs available, and having a judge's ruling on some of this stuff would be good. She told me to go to the police station and file an incorrigible child report on both of the kids. Then when they steal something from us, or run away, or any number of things they do already anyway, we can call the police. The third time they're called out here, they take the child away and put him/her in a juvenile evaluation center. Then the state runs a battery of tests on the kids, with results going to the judge, who reviews the results and makes a decision for placement. Because my kids are still young, there's a good chance they'll be placed in a therapeutic environment. The turn-around process on this is shorter than what we've seen for some other programs. I think this is the way we'll go with Sproing. Diva is already in process (a slow one) for another option.

I was so uptight and flittery I had to take my Lorazepam. Now I'm real chill. Gonna go take a nap, I think. Superman recommended it. I had to get Superman from work, because by the time I got out of the school social worker's office, I could barely stand up. Driving was tricky. Thankfully he works down the street from the school. Seriously. You can see the school from the building he works in.

I don't know what else to say, exactly. I don't know what I've said already. I don't know if any of this makes sense. But right now I feel a sense of relief that has me in tears.

Updates as the situation warrants.

The chair in question

This is the chair that I repaired for Lady Grace. It was really a simple fix, and I enjoyed the challenge of repairing it. Three of her fur babies are enjoying the chair in this picture.

The cat perched on the arm is one of the most beautiful cats I've ever seen. She is mostly black, with little specks of color (mostly orange tabby) sprinkled across the rest of her body. Except the stomach. She has a very interesting stomach. Half of it is white, and half is pure orange tabby.

I am trying to write up a dossier on Diva's problem behaviors. I only have one entry so far. I'm going through the blog archives to find them, because it's here that have chronicled them. I'm starting from the beginning of the blog, and I don't have much written about her way back then. Most of the frustrations that wrote about related to S and C. Mostly S.

But what I came to tell you about is that it's hard to write down all the stories of her transgressions. I have forgotten most of them, stored them in long-term storage so they don't invade my thoughts so often. Now that I'm trying to dig them up, I'm also confronted with the emotions surrounding them. This, of course, is why they are in long-term storage in the first place. I need to get this as finished as possible by 3:00 today, because I want to take it to her therapist this afternoon when we go in for her (my) therapy session. So I'm off to torture myself some more. Wish me luck.

I am livid

I haven't been this angry in I don't know how long. I have finally calmed down enough to be able to type. Whether I'll actually be able to write or not, we shall see. 

Diva. O.M.G. Keep in mind, she's only eleven years old. OK. First of all there's the sex thing I mentioned a few days ago. I got home late Wednesday night, and had a discussion with her about it Thursday afternoon. 

But on Thursday afternoon, I had to hunt for her. See, she's grounded; not allowed to go out of the house except to attend school. But she left the house within 15 minutes of getting home from school. I wasn't watching her. I stupidly assumed that since she knew she was grounded, that she'd stay home. Nope. I found her, and she seemed incredulous that she was grounded. Couldn't figure out why. Then she lied to me, saying her daddy said she would be grounded over the weekend, but not Thursday. I called Daddy. He assured me he had said no such thing to her. 

Thursday afternoon the school hosted a yearbook signing "social" that some of the kids were going to. I'm not sure how the attendees were chosen, whether they had to buy special tickets to go, or if they earned the privilege. I don't know. One of the teacher chaperons was collecting tickets, though. Diva had been looking forward to going to this event. Well, after her previous indiscretions she was not allowed to go. So she snuck out of the house, hung out with her friends, and I assume she was waiting until time for this little party so she could walk over there. I scotched her plans by finding her and dragging the poor thing home. You should have seen her countenance. She looked as though she was being persecuted unjustly. She genuinely seems to not realize that she has done something wrong. 

She was frantic about going. She told me that if she didn't get her yearbook at the party that afternoon, all the left over yearbooks would be thrown away. I knew that to be untrue, but I checked up on the information. Yep, she'd lied to me again. I went to the school and asked the teacher. Yearbooks get distributed next week for those who didn't get them early. 

I left her at home with Light (we're still talking about Thursday afternoon) while I ran a couple of errands. When I got home, Diva was gone again. A couple of her friends came by to see her, and Light told them Diva couldn't play. They went around to her bedroom window. Light heard Diva talking to them, so she went to check on Diva. The child was in the process of climbing out her window. Light pulled her back inside and Diva got violent and shoved her sister into the doorjamb. She climbed back out the window and wandered off with her friends. 

Diva showed up shortly after I got home. Superman arrived just after I did, and she walked in with him. We questioned her about what happened, and she lied again. She said she'd opened the window to let the cat inside. She denied climbing out the window. When pressed, she would only say that she almost went out. Or something like that. It was funny, except it wasn't, how she refused to admit what she had done. 

She's been up to it again today. I discovered before I left for Baltimore that my collection of state quarters was missing. While I was away, Superman cleaned up the corner of the room where my quarter collection lives and he didn't find it. She says she didn't take it, but I don't believe her. She said she couldn't remember where the display folder was, indicating that she had taken it. 

She needed to have her hair "done." She arranged with an older girl from the neighborhood to do it for her. That was supposed to happen this afternoon, but the older girl wasn't at home. Sometime around 9:00 tonight Diva snuck out again to meet up with these girls. I'm not sure if they came by to get her, or what. Superman and I went to ask her a question and she was gone. Light said Diva had told her she was leaving. Light said "Did you ask Mama?" Diva lied, said that I knew all about it. It is not alright for her to go out after 6:00, especially if we don't know where she is or that she has left. Does that make sense? She seems to be completely befuddled about what was wrong with her behavior. 

Oh, and when I tried to talk to her about what happened with the boys (yes, there were two) when she had sex, she denied having sex. The boy and his sister, however, say that it did happen. The word I got was that they were all naked, and each of the boys took a turn lying on top of her. I have no way of knowing if there was any penetration, but even if not, lying naked together like that is close enough to be sex for the purposes of this discussion. She assured me that she had not taken off her pants at all that afternoon, except to use the bathroom and she was by herself in the bathroom. Lies. 

I made an appointment for her to see my gynecologist. I spoke with the doctor's nurse, who asked what I wanted them to do. I told her I want them to scare the shit out of the child. The nurse assured me that they could do that, and would be happy to. She will have a simple pelvic exam, a PAP smear, and they'll test for chlamydia and gonorrhea. Then the doctor will talk to her about STDs, with gross pictures to illustrate the point. 

I fear that it won't really scare Diva, though. She doesn't make the connection. The idea of consequences does not filter into her little brain. When she experiences consequences, (and believe me, she does) the child feels unjustly persecuted. She can't understand that the current unpleasantness is in any way related to what she did. She sees nothing wrong with what she does. If she wants to do it, then it's OK. 

She goes in for the psych tests in 1.5 weeks. It can't come soon enough. 

Enough of this rediculous cheerfulness

It is time to get back to the clusterfuck that is my life.

Diva got herself kicked out of summer school this morning. Diva was angry because she was put with a different working buddy at math time. The pairing was rearranged because she had begun getting too chatty with her other work buddy, laughing and playing instead of working. In her anger she wrote "Fuck Mrs. H_____" (her teacher) on her worksheet. One of the other teachers overheard her say "I'm going to kill Mrs. H______." She was sent to the office. I got a call.

And let's talk about Sproing. Remember him? That "sweet" little boy who yesterday said "I haven't stolen anything today, Mommy." He can't say that today. Diva lost a tooth, and the tooth fairy gave her a dollar last night. Sproing stole her dollar, rode his bike to the convenience store, and bought some candy with his sister's money. He isn't supposed to steal. Duh. He isn't allowed to ride to the convenience store. He can't have candy any ol' time he choses. And now he can't go with his Dad to the scout camp to see Twitch. He gets bupkis. I believe we'll have gruel for supper.

Diva is spending the remainder of the day in her room. She is supposed to be cleaning up in there. Last time I looked in on her she was sitting on the floor singing to her teddy bear. I took her teddy bear away, told her to clean. I still hear singing. I don't have the emotional strength to look in on her again right now.

Children will be children. This is no excuse for bad behavior. Bad behavior needs to be punished; discipline is necessary. The behavior I see in my children now, if it continues, will cause serious legal trouble when they get just a little bit older. It is unacceptable behavior. They know better than this!! It's not like I never tell them, haven't taught them right from wrong. They just seem to not care. I care.

I know the sorts of things I need to do with them/to them (I'm afraid to get close enough to touch them right now. I'm afraid I might not be able to control my urge to smack them across the face.) They need discipline, hard work, close supervision.

What do I need? Is it wrong for me to feel overwhelmed? Frustrated? Like my world is spinning rapidly out of control? I'm lost.