In which we discuss death, among other things

My son Twitch called me. Twitch, who has chronic depression. He called to tell me, among other things, that he hates tourists (he now lives in Charleston, SC, a popular tourist destination) but has told me previously that he loves living in Charleston. He told me he's sure he was born on the wrong planet. The universe made a mistake in placing him here. He hates his life. He wonders if there is a way to remove all the nose hairs from his nose without pain. Why? I ask him. Because they are bugging me, he says. Increase your pain tolerance. I recommend that he not use Nair™ in that sensitive mucous membrane. He wants to live in a place with a low cost of living and excellent public transportation and cultural opportunities. But not on this planet, evidently. It was a whine fest conversation. I said "I gave birth to you on this planet." I wanted to say more, something like STFU!, but all I could do was sigh. Then I hung up on him. I don't have the energy for that shit today.

Warning: I'm about to write about death and suicide. 
Before he called I read an article in The New Yorker by David Sedaris, written about his sister Tiffany's recent suicide. It's a very good article, but then we are talking about David Sedaris who is an excellent writer. Back to Twitch, who is dissatisfied with his life and has been for much of it. And David Sedaris' sister Tiffany who evidently was dissatisfied with her life. I have long feared that Twitch will take that exit ramp from life. Today my brain says to me "What if he does? How will that affect you?" Of course I would be ... what word describes an extreme form of upset? On the other hand, I'd know he was out of the misery of this life. Who was it said something like death is the greatest adventure? Some famous philosopher or something. I have often considered suicide myself, a few times seriously. It's something I think about, abstractly, often. Right now I have decided not to kill myself because I wonder what will happen in my life as I get older. What kind of old lady will I be? I have to live long enough to be an old lady to find out. How old is "old?" Well into my 70s, at least, and probably to my mid to late 80s. 90s? Maybe. Depends on how healthy I am.

While we're speaking of death, I'd like to discuss my father's death. I might have gone through this before in this venue, but I need to rehash it. He died on March 25th of this year. Too early, I thought. But now I think it was right on time. I believe that things happen for a reason most of the time. Also, there isn't anything I can do about it anyway. He's dead and nothing will change that. I miss him. I've been thinking of him more frequently of late. Daddy did not want to "linger" incapacitated and be a burden to his family. After he died I learned that he had begun to lose his mental faculties. He'd become increasingly forgetful in a senile dementia sort of way. His compromised heart and consequent decreased oxygen to the brain might have been a factor there. But it frustrated and frightened him, I know. No, he didn't tell me this, but I know him well enough. I just know. And now he's free of this world's limitations. I am happy for him, I guess. No one knows for sure what if anything comes after this life, but we like to think it's pleasant. If he's in a "better place" then good for him. As for the rest of us, we'll deal. What else is there to do?

I followed a link from a link in a link in an email to this site called Tunein. It's online radio, or something like it. I am currently listening to French programming. Programming in French, though I think not from France itself. If I remember correctly, it originates in Brussels, Belgium. It's talk radio, and I have no idea what they're talking about but it sounds really cool. I know a few French words, and catch some meaning here and there. In the last program the voices said "et cetera" a lot. A few programs ago some ladies were talking about Pre-zee-'dent O-ba-'ma. Right now they're playing some kind of new age-y music featuring lots of bells. Related quote: "New Agers might be whack, but they do make some nice music." - Superman. I'd like to learn French some day. Maybe when I am an old lady.

And speaking of whack, Diva. Let's entertain ourselves with another Diva story. Just today the child was telling us that we need to meet her boyfriend, get the embarrassment over with. Yeah, whatever. She was using Superman's phone to text the guy. Superman took his phone with him to run errands and the alleged boyfriend texted back. Superman asks who this is, and the guy got defensive saying something like wha' chu mean who am I? So Superman said it was his phone, his daughter had been texting. Yada yada, the point is that Diva was communicating with a much older guy (don't know how old) and had told him she was 20 years old (she'll be 16 in about six weeks) and in college, living by herself in her own house. Superman corrected the misinformation. The poor ersatz boyfriend was freaked out about being "played" like that, and assured Superman that he has absolutely no desire to be involved with anyone that young.

Why does she tell lies like that, string innocent people along, legally endangering them? She's whack, obviously, but really. Superman had a talk with her when he got home from running his errands. Then I fussed at her for a while. Don't know if it will make any difference. I asked her if she understands how she could have ruined his life if she'd followed through with her story and gotten physically involved with him. He'd be labeled a sex offender FOR LIFE and wouldn't be able to get much of a job, get housing in very many places, etc. Ruin his life, basically. She stared at me like I was yammering to the wind. Whack, I tell you. (OK, so obviously my word for the day is "whack.") Oh, she also gave him our address. This isn't the first time she'd done shit like this. A couple of years ago I answered a phone call from another guy in his 30s, if I recall correctly, who she was stringing along with lies of this nature. She'd given him our address, too. She has no sense.

Another Diva story, this one not so ... whack. She wanted to have a combination birthday/Halloween party, celebrate her b'day early because it's too cold in early December to have a party outside. The kids had a day off school Friday (teacher workday, end of grading period) so we did the party thing in the pavillion at the local Parks and Rec center. I made a cake. It looked awesome, and tasted so-so. I used box mixes of her desired flavors. I took pictures. (Long side note: I have a new-ish camera because my old one that I knew how to use got dunked with me in the river when I was canoeing with my brothers after my dad's non-funeral party. The new camera has a big square battery reminiscent of a cell phone battery. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to recharge it or replace it. Probably it's rechargeable, but I don't know how to do that. I took a few pictures on Friday before the camera lost power.) Due to the otherwise dark theme of this post, I won't add the pictures now. Also, I haven't downloaded them from the camera yet.

Game 4 of the (small, only North America) World Series is about to start, so I'm outa here. Cards ahead 2 games to 1 over the Red Sox. Boo-yah!

Isn't it lovely

It's a beautiful day! I love this weather. It's cool but not cold. We slept with the windows open last night as we have done most of this month, but last night is the first time I've felt like I needed a cover. The sheets were balled up at the foot of the bed and I was too asleep to get them, so I just snuggle with Superman and that worked well.

This morning we woke up gradually. I love doing that. It wasn't late, though we went to bed pretty late last night. I painted the shelf (I am painting a shelf that goes in the kitchen) for a bit, then showered. Once I was clean, dressed, and in my right mind, Superman and I went to our favorite pizza and beer restaurant. They serve brunch on Sundays. I had the Milk Stout curry chicken crepes. Oh, my, they were good! Last week we were there and discovered a new beer they have on tap, Wild Turkey Bourbon Barrel Stout. As long as they have that on tap I doubt I'll drink anything else. So good!

I am trying to make my kitchen look better. Though the kitchen has a few good characteristics, it is overall a pain in my arse. There is lots of counter space but it's in one long row. It's a long walk from where I do most of my food preparation to the refrigerator. And the walls have been ugly for a long time. Finally we are fixing that. Superman got the old wallpaper off the walls and I have painted them a cheerful yellow. Did I tell you about that? Don't remember if I've mentioned it. There's a narrow shelf along the wall in the narrow part of the kitchen. Superman built it as a pantry shelf, and it's wide enough to hold cans and small boxes. We hadn't finished the wood so it was bare, natural shelving boards. Superman had to take the shelf off the wall to remove the wallpaper, of course, and I painted the wall yellow-ish. But that narrow part of the kitchen doesn't get good light, and the yellow actually made the space seem darker for some reason. I don't know. Anyway, I decided to paint the shelves bright white before hanging them on the wall again. They are in the process of turning white. Right now the paint has to dry thoroughly before I can add the last coat. I hope it's the last coat.

Diva turns 16 the first week of December. Since December weather doesn't make for a very good outside party, she has decided to have a combination early birthday/Halloween party. That happens this Friday. She has done a lot for it already. There's still some cooking to do, as I told her that baking cookies three weeks in advance was not a good idea. The end of the school grading period is this week, and the kids get a day off school on Friday, so Diva has this party planned to take place this coming Friday in the Civic Center park. There is a fairly nice gazebo/pavilion thing there, and a couple of smaller picnic shelters in the park. We could reserve the large pavilion, which is way bigger than we need, for $100. Or we could show up and claim any of the shelters, even the pavilion, for free and for nothing on a first-come basis. Unless of course the large pavilion is already reserved, which I doubt it will be in the middle of Friday afternoon. The party is scheduled for 3:00, but of course we will need to get there early to set up. Diva has decorations she wants to put up; streamers, a banner, etc. No balloons as far as I know, but they might also make an appearance. Who knows what terrors lurk in the mind of that girl. So we'll do the birthday thing this Friday, and be off the hook for a big to-do in December. That suits me fine.

I don't really have anything to say. I've spent all this space, all these words, saying much nothing. Let's see if I can jot down a few other random thoughts.

• Oreo (the dog) has some powerfully smelly farts. 
• The water now runs cold from the cold water faucet. Our cold water has been warm for months now. 
• Autumn seasonal beers are my favorite of the seasonal stuff. 
• I've been drinking too much beer and eating too much not-good-for-me stuff that I've gained five pounds. Oops. Time to cut back.

Let's talk baseball for a few. Both of the league championship series are finished. We watched Boston Red Sox beat the Detroit Tigers last night to win the American League championship. It was an excellent game in which a grand slam home run featured prominently. I haven't seen a grand slam in a few years, and the Red Sox managed two of them in this championship series! I love watching good baseball. Late last week the St. Louis Cardinals won the National League series from the L.A. Dodgers. Since the Braves didn't make it far into the post season, and the Pittsburgh Pirates finked out early also, the Cardinals were my next choice for Nat'l League champs. So I'm happy. And I strongly preferred Boston over Detroit, so that's good. No baseball tonight, but the World Series starts Wednesday evening. I am excited about that. Perhaps I'll abstain from beer until then. My waistline would benefit. Beer and baseball go so well together, you see. 

And that's all the rambling I can think to ramble today. It feels a lot like naptime now, anyway, so there we go. 

The bitch is back

Wasn't that last post so nice and uplifting? Or something. This one is not like that one.

Diva is home from school today, suspended for the day. She only got one day this time, and only because she wouldn't go to the in-school suspension room yesterday. As I heard it, someone heard her say a cuss word in the cafeteria before school and reported her to the boogie man. She denies saying the cuss word. Yes, she said the sentence, but didn't put the cuss word in it that the witness claims was there. Knowing this child, I think she probably said the cuss word. Anyway, she feels wrongly accused, and refused to take the punishment. So she's home today to punish me. I hate this policy.

I'm trying to make her life miserable, though. OK, not completely, not specifically, not generally. I am, however, giving her chores to do and not acting very friendly. She's slamming stuff around, being aggressively angry toward stuff. Thankfully she isn't aggressive toward me. So far. She's pissing me off, though. I started the day pissed off simply because she is here instead of at school.

Coping strategies so far include surfing the web, writing this post, and eating two small dishes of chocolate pudding. In reserve I have drugs and booze. If it gets really bad I'll take my Ativan. If it's bad but not drug use bad, I'll drink a beer. Or two. Or three. Also, there may be a nap in my future.

Really uncomfortable cramps complicate the situation. Damn, I want to pinch her little head off. On the plus side, she swept and vacuumed the kitchen, living room, and halls. She did a mediocre job of it, but it's better than it was.

I avoid my problems by sleeping. When I get emotionally stressed I get very, very sleepy. This used to happen all the time in the earlier years of our marriage when we'd visit his parents. Being around his mother put me to sleep, and not because she is a boring person. She isn't boring, but her idea of interesting is my idea of stress. My least favorite mode of interesting is criticizing the son and daughter-in-law and/or their children. To make matters worse, her other grandchildren, the daughters of her daughter and son-in-law, are perfect. The now-ex- son-in-law got lots of criticism, though. I spell it s-t-r-e-s-s.

I don't like the way these sentences go together in the paragraphs. There are sentences that do not belong with the others, but I'm too sleepy to fix them. In a further example, this is an art thing. Or a failure thing. For the past few days (weeks?) I have started some project or other and been frustrated with the outcome. I have the idea in my head, but the process of producing it gets messed up somewhere. A simple circle in a square becomes a rat's nest. A stack of blocks becomes entangled in string that isn't supposed to be there. Perhaps I'm too focused on the process and not the product, so the process gets in the way.

Well, that last paragraph was helpful. Thank you. I feel a bit less strung up.

These are a few of my favorite things

I find great comfort in the sound of the school bus picking up my kids from the bus stop down the street of a morning. The sounds are the same in the afternoon when it drops them off, and I don't like it so much then.

I love a cool gentle breeze coming through my open windows. These open windows also bring me the sounds of the school bus and birds. I always like the sound of birds.

I also enjoy snuggling with my big black puppy. He sometimes snuggles up against my legs when I sleep, and he loves to lie on his back on the bed between Superman and me to get his chest and belly scratched. He works hard to be involved in any snuggling Superman and I try to accomplish. Sometimes he must be banished from the room for a while. I love my sweet puppy, but he isn't always welcome to join the "festivities."

Baseball is one of my favorite things. Major League Baseball (MLB) is currently in post-season playoffs for the division titles. My beautiful Braves eliminated themselves from further post-season action last night when they lost a heart breaking game to the Los Angeles Dodgers. It was, I suppose, a good game in general, but the ending was tragic, imho. The teams were tied at two runs apiece for a few innings, then the Braves scored, ahead of the Dodgers by one run. In the end, though, Dodgers got two more runs, beating the Braves 4-3.

In further National League play, I also watched the Pittsburgh Pirates lose to the St. Louis Cardinals in an extremely good game. I favor the Pirates, but only by a little bit. Since my Braves won't be playing either of them in the next playoff series, I don't care too much who wins. If the Braves had won their series against he Dodgers, I'd have liked to play the Pirates next. Now, it doesn't matter which wins this match, but whoever wins, I want them to beat the Dodgers to a theoretical bloody pulp in the next level of play. Lordy, if the Dodgers end up representing the National League in the World Series, I don't know who I'll favor. I disfavor the Dodgers.

In American League action, the Boston Red Sox and Tampa Bay Rays have had some excellent games, last night's being another example. I don't have a favorite there, either. I like both teams. On the other side of the country, the Oakland A's are playing Detroit Tigers. I don't like either of those teams, so I don't care who wins as long as that winner then loses to the Red Sox/Rays winner.

As much as I like watching baseball, it's kind of boring to write about it. I'm pretty sure you are bored reading this drivel. I'm putting myself to sleep here. The dog, napping peacefully beside me, lulls me to sleep, too. Perhaps it's time for a little rest.

Sunday again: ramblings and updates

Early Saturday morning I woke from a dream in which it was late Sunday. You know how reality is ephemeral when you begin to wake up? I didn't know what day it was.


I saw the doctor about my floater. It's nothing to worry about (probably) but he wants to see me in three months to check on it. He had his bright shine-in-my-eye light and what looked a bit like a jeweler's loupe that he used to see inside my eyeball. He saw the cat hair/spider in there and exclaimed "That's a big one!" (pause for snickering) He said it'll probably become less noticeable as time goes by. I'm glad I had it checked out. Also, he dilated my eyes. I have specifically put in a standing order for cloudy days when I must have my eyes dilated, but alas, that day was bright and sunny. I survived. The vision in my right eye (not the one with the big floater) has deteriorated again. Seems it's about as bad as the left eye now. Meh. I need new glasses.

Since Twitch moved out (to Charleston, where he now has a job!) my old office which was his bedroom is once again vacant. Light had that room before she left for college all those years ago. Six years it's been now! She painted half the room a dark and stormy blue, and it's been bothering me since I started using the room. So yesterday Superman and I painted over the dark with Kilz 2 primer.  Man that lightens up the space! Makes it seem bigger, more open. I haven't decided what color to use on that wall, but I'm looking into something very light. I want to use the room for sewing and crafts also, and the walls need to be light and close to neutral to prevent the wall color from influencing how I perceive the fabric colors. Gray, white, or beige don't do it for me, you know? So I think perhaps a pretty cream or maybe a very light blue. We'll see.

Interesting quotes seen on my Kindle:
"The unanswered in science is solution-ized with research." - from a book description. I didn't buy that book.
"If wishes were horses, that accounts for all this horse manure." - Barbara Morganroth, If Wishes Were Horses
"When whiskey talks it rarely counsels prudence." - Anthony McDonald, Matches in the Dark: 13 Tales of Gay Men

I woke up very early this morning, before 5 I think. Couldn't get back to sleep. Poor Superman had trouble getting to sleep in the first place, so he got up and read something boring to put him to sleep. Didn't work. When he came back to bed I sort of woke up. I don't know if got back to sleep then, or if I've been awake since then. Anyway, I'm very sleepy now. Think i'll take a morning nap.

Happy October

Man, time flies when I'm ignoring the internet. Didn't realize it had been so long since my last post.

I have a new floater in my eye. Left eye. Actually, this might be the first floater in my eye. No, I have a few tiny dust mote looking things in my eyes that I see occasionally. This one looks like a long fine cat hair, the kind of cat hair I find all over my house anyway, thanks to Smudge. Can cat hair be so ubiquitous it gets into one's eyeball? It's slightly left of center of my vision in my left eye. It wiggles occasionally, sometimes looking like a long legged spider, sometimes like a knot. It's very distracting. I called the eye doctor's office today, asked the nice lady on the phone if this was something I should be concerned about. She said "I'm not a doctor, but if it was me, I'd get it checked out." It's time for my complete checkup anyway, and she was able to get me in to see my doctor tomorrow morning, so there you have it. If it's anything critical, I'll be sure to post an update. If it's nothing to worry about, you probably won't hear from me about it.

Guess what!? Twitch got two jobs today! Both in food service. I don't know what he'll be doing. Working at Five Guys I guess he'll probably make sandwiches or whatever it is they serve there. The other place, and I can't remember the name of it, is a nice full service restaurant. Perhaps he's cooking or washing dishes. Personally I think it would be a bad idea for him to start out as a server. He's not much of a people person. I could be wrong, though. I hope he finds much success and makes a bunch of money.

Speaking of not being a people person, me. I was able to stay home four out of five days last week. Stayed home yesterday... wait, no I didn't. Went to Waffle House with Superman for breakfast then did a quick shopping trip to the grocery store. Was home shortly after 9, and stayed home the rest of the day. I was supposed to see my therapist this noon, but took a morning nap and overslept. OK, to be honest, I sort of did that on purpose. Not that I don't like seeing my therapist. I really really didn't want to go out in public today. Yeah, the agoraphobia is acting up again. I'll go to the eye doctor tomorrow morning, and pick Sproing up after school to take him to his therapy appointment. Perhaps I'll shop for groceries if I feel particularly brave. At Aldi, which is small, and during the workday/workweek is likely to be empty-ish. I hope. I should also get a haircut, but not sure about that. We'll see.

That's about all I got this time.