What day is it?

I'm in a fog today. I'm not overly tired. Well, a little bit. But I am dull. Sort of like stupid, only smarter. But in a slow way.

And this is about how much sense I've been making all day.

Maybe I'll just take a warm shower and go to bed. My brain might work better tomorrow. Let's find out.

tired

have been so very tired today. Had 2 naps. One all morning, one most of the afternoon. Would be asleep now if it hadn't been for a bit of drama I had to keep tabs on here. going to sleep now, though. more later. tomorrow. sleep first.

I'm HOME!

I got home at 11:00 last night. It is good to be home.

Sproing and Diva each asked me to bring them a treat. Sproing has asked about it every time I've talked to him since I left. So being the dutiful mother I am, I got him the bag of hot fries he wanted. Diva had asked for gum, and although I couldn't find the brand she wanted, I did get the flavor in anther brand.

I woke them up this morning, surprising them with my presence. They weren't expecting me until late this afternoon. The first thing Sproing says to me? "Did you get it Mommy?" Oy. Diva at least had the decency to exclaim her delight at my arrival. Not Sproing. He was all about his bag of hot fries.

Diva asked me if I had gotten Daddy a treat. Heh heh. Yes, I did NOT tell her, I gave Daddy his treat last night. He liked it a lot. So did I. ;)

P.S. (especially for Derek) I got my shit together and left Mama's house at 1:45! Yes, less than an hour later than I wanted to leave!! I'm pretty damned impressed with myself. And that prep time included a trip to Wal-Mart for a few snacks (and the aforementioned treats) and a fill-up at the gas station (*gasp* sticker shock!!), and doing a few more things for Mama.

A day of travel

I'll be leaving Mama's house this afternoon. After lunch. This is the plan. Many times, however, I have grand plans and don't put the work into them to make them happen the way I intend. If I say I am going to leave here around 1:00, that means that I naively believe I can get packed up and on the road by 1:00. I say this because I truly believe it can happen. On the other hand, past experience leads me to suspect I'll be lucky to be out of here before 3:00. But I think it'll be closer to 1:00. We shall see.

I had planned to go to my Dad's house in Gainesville, but I'm rethinking that. I might just head up I-4 to I-95 and go on to South Carolina. I'll stop when I get tired. I haven't decided yet.

When I get where I'm going I'll post an update assuming I have internet connection.

That is all.

Another one

Rough day.

Went to my aunt and uncle's church this morning. That went well. I have visited that church occasionally since I was a teen. It's a lovely place, both architecturally and spiritually. My cousins are members there, also. Today is the first time I've been to church since Lent. No, wait, I didn't go during Lent. I went during Advent. I think I went to church once in mid-January, but that's the last time. Anyway, I went today and it was lovely. I sat next to my Aunt J and she is lovely. The whole thing was just lovely.

This afternoon I took Mama over to my cousin's house. Today is the cousin's birthday and she hosted a party. I think my aunt was going to have it at their house, but Mama can't get into their house because of the steps. My cousin's house is pretty flat and easy to access.

There were all these people there. Ugh. No, it wasn't particularly crowded. There were (hang on, I'm counting)... 11 people there. Three of them I don't know very well. Whatever. Lunch was a salad buffet, with fruit and crackers and dip in addition to lettuce and a bunch of salad toppings. I got Mama settled into a recliner then got her some fruit and crackers. After everyone else got his/her plate, I had the chance to get mine. But before I could sit down to eat Mama was ready for her salad. So I got Mama's salad. It was frustrating because she was in the den, I was in the kitchen with the food, and I wasn't sure what to get her. I tried asking, but others were talking and we couldn't understand each other very well. But I fixed her food and took it to her.

I finally got to sit down. But by then I was overwhelmed. How? By what? I'm trying to figure that out. Work with me here. Some possible causes:

• Too many people
• People I don't know
• Being too much the servant, not being served
• Making a mess

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that part. I poured myself some Coke and spilled a little drop on the counter. No biggie, but I wanted to wipe it up and needed help getting something with which to do that. Cousin's husband (host) helped me with that. I thanked him very kindly, and mentioned that I tend to be messy. When I got a refill, the soda (pop?) fizzed up on me and overflowed rather dramatically. I needed more paper towels for that. Oops. When I was getting Mama's salad I kept dropping toppings. I dropped olive slices on the floor, dropped croutons on the floor... Salad ingredients seemed to leap off the plate and onto the floor. I felt like a dumb klutz. Nobody said anything about it. No one else needs to. I fill in the criticism all by myself.

So I finally had my plate and was sitting at the table. I began to cry. As Gregory says, I leaked. I wasn't sobbing or anything, but as my eyes filled up so I couldn't see my salad clearly, I got up and went to the bathroom. I sat on the edge of the tub and cried (quietly) for a while. After a bit I washed off my face (and was faceless. Boy did that look weird!) and returned to the table. I resumed my meal and pretended everything was fine. Even if anyone had noticed and asked what the problem was, what could I say? I can't put it into words myself. Very frustrating.

As I sat on the tub I asked myself why I'm upset. I felt put-upon. I felt out of place. I felt I didn't belong, except to take care of Mama. Again, no one gave any indication of that intent. I came up with it all by myself. Troublesome thing, aren't I? And I asked myself if I had any valid reason to feel that way. I never came to any conclusion about that. I did want to come right home and write about it, though. I need this. I need to write it down, talk myself through the feelings, try to figure it out here. And I really appreciate those of you who follow along this angst-strewn path with me, offering encouragement or suggestions.

When I finished my lunch and felt it socially appropriate I went into the front living room, away from everyone else. Then my Aunt J came in to sit with me. She's a sweet lady. She loves me very much, and told me so, and said she wishes I could love myself too. I admitted to her that I'm having a bad day. We chatted a while, and I made nice. I did the things I'm supposed to do. When Cousin began to open her gifts I went into the den and sat beside Mama.

Cousin really liked the cards I picked out. (Got 2 from the store last night, one from me, one from Mama) They were both funny and appropriate. I'm glad she liked them. Anyway, I stayed with the group and pretended to be OK. I tried to join the conversation here and there, but everything I said seemed to be out of place. Not inappropriate or anything, but when adding my perspective to topics of conversation, suddenly the flow of conversation stopped. I guess I'm too unique to play that crowd.

As I cried to myself in the bathroom I had a strong desire to go away. To come back to Mama's and be alone, and to write this post. I wondered how Mama would get home. I could have asked my aunt and uncle to bring her, but I hate asking my uncle for anything. He's a pain in the ass. I also didn't want to call attention to myself. Had I left that would have made a big stir. I really didn't want that drama. I could also have gone outside to sit by myself. But it is hot here. And that, too would have been more drama than I wanted.

Did I do the right thing? When I was having so much trouble at the book club meeting Thursday, I left. I stayed around to "do" for Mama, but I left the meeting. (I blogged about that, didn't I?)(Yup) Should I have left, or was it right to pretend, to fake it, and stay?

I need someone to take care of me. This is one source of these problems. Superman takes really good care of me. Really really good. He knows my weaknesses, understands when I show the painful face. He takes over for me and tells me it'll be alright when I start to make a mess. He gets the jokes, perspectives, opinions I spew forth. I don't feel so alone when he is around. He defends and protects me, runs interference when I need my space.

I posses a lot of strength, this I know. But there is a lot of weakness, too. I'm not sure how that works, and I don't want to think about it right now. I'm good at taking care of others to some extent, and I get a lot of satisfaction from doing so. However, (and this is a big "however") it takes a lot out of me. I'm not sure how this works, either, and I'm confusing myself right now. For the past two weeks I've been doing a LOT of giving, not receiving much. I'm worn out.

I leave here tomorrow. Mama has a doctor's appointment in the morning, and I will take her there. We'll come back here and have some lunch, then I'm going to my Dad's house in Gainesville. I'll spend the night in Gainesville, and hopefully get up fairly early Tuesday and head back to South Carolina. I am looking forward to the drive home. I am looking forward to possibly meeting another blog buddy in Charleston on the way. (Yipee!)

However (another big "however") I am not really looking forward to getting home. Not totally. There are many things about going home that are really good. But home is so much work! Everyone there is so needy! Especially since I've been gone for 2 weeks everyone at home wants a chunk of me. This has not been a vacation for me. With the exception of Superman, I think everyone at home considers me to have been on vacation. I'm not on vacation. I've worked very hard. The physical work hasn't been bad at all. Not like digging ditches for 2 weeks. But the emotional drain has been great. They are going to suck me dry when I get home. So no, I'm not looking forward to going home.

I'm gonna go now. I need another good cry. I'm going to iterate laundry and cry into the dry clothes.

Making my life more difficult by degrees

It's a little thing, but sometimes those little things can cause big annoyances.
Have you noticed that Blogger has redesigned the text verification? It is now even harder to read. This pisses me off.
/rant

This information might come in handy some day

11

Don't look at me in that tone of voice! You know you want to know, too. Go ahead, click the linky link.

Because we need some levity

Mama is feeling well enough to sit at her computer for a little while. She's gotten lots of email in the last couple of weeks. She sent this to me, and I must share it with you.

This is a cigarette advertisement from long ago- maybe the 1930s? I saw this and thought of you. :)

Homophobic nightmare

I had a nightmare of homophobic spiritual abuse. I woke up tense, gasping, like I had been running.

It involved the step-brother I grew up with. I say it this way because our parents are no longer married. He now lives in Vancouver. He came out about a dozen years ago, and is married to his partner (husband, duh) there in Canada. They've been married for a while now. I can't remember exactly when the wedding was. It was not too long after he came out to the family, but they had been together for a while by then, I think. No matter…

The dream setting was a large old church building, specifically the classroom areas. It was a weekday, but there was a lot of activity in the building. People of all ages were very busy doing stuff. I was there with some friends (I have no idea who these people were) and I was waiting for my step-mother to show up. She and her girlfriend were driving in from Vancouver. To the southeast US. Non-stop. My (former) step-mother is not a lesbian, and is in her early 70s now. But in my dream she was in her mid 50s and had a lesbian partner who was 30 something.

It was a surprise to me that her son Charlie (that's her gay son's name) was coming with her. The three of them finally arrived in town in two separate cars. I was with Superman and we were all busy with something, a project that was going on. Vague. So the gays show up at the church looking for me. I wanted to drive back to Vancouver with them, and was trying to figure out how to convince Superman that this was a good idea. There was some sewing involved, too. Like I needed to go with them so I could help sew something in Vancouver. They don't have any seamstresses in Vancouver? Dreams are strange.

Well, surprisingly Superman thought it was a good idea for me to help them drive back to Canada. In either a huge camper-van or a tiny boxy yellow car. Both were available. Very strange. No matter. I was trying to find everything I needed to pack for the trip. It was all stored in various classrooms in the church building. Very disorganized, very cluttered. A lot like my life. And the lesbians got into a nasty catfight.

This being a church, there were some preachers there. One was the minister of the congregation, and one was another preacher who was working to build another church. The other guy had a lot of church stuff stored in the building, and we kept coming across all their stuff while looking for mine. A lot of it was children's craft and art projects. Cute, sentimental, but basically trash. Charlie wanted to throw it all away and I was trying to get him to leave it alone and help me look for my stuff. The lesbians were no help at all. (Sorry ladies. This is a dream, remember, and no reflection on you personally. Trust me!)

My step-mother and her girlfriend finally took off toward home in the big van. That left me and Charlie in the small yellow car. We were about to get in the car when the preachers called Charlie over. Not wanting to be rude or make waves, he went to see what they wanted. Well, they "captured" him and took him into the worship area. They made him kneel down and began to pray loudly over him and preach fire and brimstone at him. There were the two preachers and at least two other men, maybe three, who were prominent members of the church. They surrounded Charlie and were all breathing "holy" fire down on him. I could see them. I was sitting in the little yellow car (don't know what the significance of the color is, but it seemed important at the time) wondering what I could do. These guys were whipped up into a religious fervor and I was afraid to get close to them. I felt horrible for Charlie! One of the reasons he had come with his mother was to get away from home for a while because he had some emotional crap he was trying to deal with. So the poor guy was already emotionally fragile.

I was afraid if I tried to physically intervene I would be restrained and make matters worse. I was also afraid of getting the same treatment. These men knew me as a solid Christian, meaning of course that I believed as they do. Under that guise I had some "stealth" advantages. I could have possibly gone into the group, pretended to join them, and take Charlie away. But that would be rough, because they knew I was Charlie's friend. I began to try to move out of the car, and all of a sudden another one of the men of the church was right there with me, to prevent me from intervening. He started talking to me as if I were "in sin" because of my association with Charlie. He'd been put there to watch me, make sure I didn't try to interrupt. Just that part pissed me off, but then he started to molest me! He was running his hands over my arms, then my sides and hips, then trying to rub my breasts. The hypocritical asshole!!! I was livid, but too weak to make any physical attempt to escape.

At some point I made it into the room where they had Charlie. The poor guy was an emotional basket case! I felt so helpless, and guilty that I hadn't done more to protect him.

This room was not the worship sanctuary, but very large and empty of furnishings. Maybe a social hall? Whatever. I got to Charlie, took his hand, and we began to run away. There were a lot of people in the room, milling around, many with no sense of purpose. Some were for us, some were ag'in' us. Some tried to block our progress and some were chasing after us. And we were moving v-e-r-y—s-l-o-w-l-y, the way dreams are sometimes. I could see the exit but couldn't run fast enough. Charlie was right with me, also not running fast enough. Except his tears. They were running down his cheeks just fine.

Do dreams ever do this to you? You get to this point in the dream and never progress until finally you just wake up? It seemed like this attempted escape took as long as the entire rest of the dream. When I woke up I still had that negative emotional energy in my head. It felt very wrong. I felt such guilt, such remorse for not intervening to protect him.

Random firings

The brain isn't working well today. At all. Not only do I feel kinda dull (it happens sometimes) I also am losing my ability to make decisions. I hate when this happens. Usually it is a sign of encroaching insanity.

I took Mama to her book club meeting this morning. For this month they read Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult. I looked at the book last night, read the blurb on the flap to see what it was about. It's about a school shooting. The folks at the book club meeting said it was good, well written, etc. I decided last night that I didn't want to try to read it. That subject is pretty intense, and I'm feeling a bit fragile these days.

But I went to the meeting. I sat by the door. The group includes my aunt, and the leader of the group is an old acquaintance whose daughter I used to babysit back in the dark ages of my youth. It was nice to see some old familiar faces. But I didn't know if I could sit through the club meeting. Sure enough, about 10 minutes into it I had to leave. That's specifically why I sat beside the door. Mama hadn't given any forethought to my emotional needs concerning this topic, not that I'm blaming her. It just didn't occur to her. But when I got up and left the room it clicked with her. She was really good about it, too. After the meeting some of the others asked about me (why I'd left? I dunno) and Mama said the subject was too intense for me, as I have children in high school now and until recently drove a school bus. She didn't mention that I am crazy as a shit house rat, and I appreciate her for that. All in all the relationship with Mama in this experience was quite positive.

My point is that I'm feeling pretty crazy right now. You might recall that early last week I was experiencing some bouts of insanity. Things calmed down, I felt kinda normal over the weekend. But yesterday it got worse again. Why? I have no fucking idea.

Depression is part, if not all of it. Here's an indicator. I drove to the pharmacy this evening to get a refill on my antidepressant (ironically?) and passed a hibiscus bush. (I think it's hibiscus. That's what it looks like) I don't particularly like hibiscus flowers. I saw a pretty yellow flower. I got so incredibly sad when I saw it. It brought tears to my eyes, and not in a healthy way.

I'm driving Mama's car through this shopping village parking lot. At a stop sign I glance over at the foliage beside the roadway, seeing this hibiscus flower. An overwhelming feeling of painful sadness washes over me. WTF? Seriously, my eyes threaten to leak. And I think to myself "Java, get a grip. It's a fuckin' flower for chrissake." Ding Ding Ding! Depression! And yet I cry.

I feel restless. And I'm beginning to withdraw. I don't sit with Mama much. I sit with her and visit during meals, usually. But most of the time I'm in the kitchen or the bedroom staying away from her. She's getting lonely and bored, the poor dear. I try. I don't have anything to chit-chat about. When she talks I get restless and feel like I need to escape. She is really a very nice lady! It isn't her, it's me. I would rather keep busy doing the mundane stuff that needs to be done (laundry, watering the plants, fixing meals) than to sit and visit with her. Poor Mama.

Another insanity clue: Tonight Mama watched Wheel of Fortune. She enjoys the Jeopardy/Wheel hour. I took supper to her during Wheel of Fortune. I intended to sit with her while we ate, but when I looked at the show, heard the soundtrack, I had to leave. It was too intense. Why? They spin the wheel and it can stop anywhere! It might stop on $300 or $3000, or on the trip to Mexico (this week's Mexican decor grates on my nerves, too). But it might stop on Bankrupt! I can't handle that kind of stress! Seriously, Wheel of Fortune on the telly gave me an anxiety attack. Or would have if I'd stayed. Something ain't right.

Oh, and yesterday I saw a commercial for I don't know what, but there was a pretty family playing in the grass. A beautiful young mother, thin and smartly dressed. A father; young, strong, happy, definitely DILF material. And a young child, maybe 2 or 3 years old, cute as a bug. They were all happily playing in the grass there. There was a clutch in my heart, a sadness like dark molasses slowly flowed over my countenance. Huh? I dunno.

But enough about me. How are you? :)

That's the thing about time

One would think that as much time as I have spent online in the last few days that I would have posted something new. I have at least one good idea I've been working on for 2 days, and I started another post this morning. I will (hopefully) finish up what I started this morning and put it up later this evening. I need to download some pictures from my camera for the other post. It's about what I've done this week for Earth Day. That might go up tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 3 months... With me you never know.

More helpful products from my spam folder

New Penis Enlargement Patches!

-Attract women of all ages
-Excite women before even talking to them
-Make women want to sleep with you immediately
-Millions of men are already using them!
-Proven to work!

The above copy was obviously written by a guy for guys, with no regard for women or how women think. Very few women base their sexual intentions on the size of a guy's schlong, at least not as a first priority. That's more of a guy thing.

"Penis enlargement patches." I have an image of a penis covered with patches, the patches themselves contributing to the physical impression of an increase in size.

How many of you want to excite women before even talking to them?
How would one go about doing this? By wearing his penis on his sleeve, so to speak?

I wonder, too, about attracting women of all ages. Did the copywriters think about what that might mean? Some guy with patches all over his penis to give it the appearance of great size, wearing tight pants so this package is obvious, goes walking down the street. Some wrinkled overweight 50 year old grandma has raging menopausal hormones causing an increase in sexual desire. She's old and experienced enough to know what she likes in a penis, and isn't afraid of significant size. Her old man spends so much time boozed up and watching some dumb sports programming that his dick has shriveled from lack of attention. She spies the aforementioned package. Desire springs forth. She follows the patched pirate, and attempts to flirt with him. Is this the attention he wanted? Seriously?

Maybe I overthink these things. Maybe I ought to delete my spam without looking at it.

Also, harmful parasites are living and breeding in your stomach.

Oh, and one more thing

Lewis, they told me you liked this sign, too.

From Orlando

Yep. Still here. Having a wonderful time. Sort of.

It isn't the ideal dream vacation. Nope. More of a service call, perhaps. I am happy to be here to help my darling Mama. But I ain't relaxin' in the shade. It is quieter and a good bit more peaceful here than at home, though. Anyhoo, I wanted to share some more Java Bear pictures.

Here we are with the Sunday paper. That is Patrick Dempsey above the masthead (or whatever that title strip is called). He was in the area for some reason. Oh, right, he drives a race car. I think he was in Daytona. Whatever. Java Bear thinks he's hawt.


Java Bear is sorry Mama's foot hurts. :( Mama is able to get around better, but she still isn't able to stand with her scooter for very long. She tires quickly. Fixing her own meals is still a few days away. She had more pain Sunday than she had in the few days prior. Sunday night is proving to be a rough night, too.

Java Bear say We Like Our Coffee!!!

Mama was doing well enough Sunday that I was able to get out of the house for a few hours. I met up with these bitches for brunch. We had a great time! We took a walk around the lake after brunch, which is where this photo comes from. Mary Ellen is on the left, Sorted (Mary Alice) on the right, and I think they are trying to see who can toss whom into the lake. Not sure. I snapped the shot and turned away. Better not to encourage this silly behavior, you know. :)

But aren't they cute?

Sorted's partner M was with us, too. He's a super nice guy. I decided not to post a pic of him, because I'm afraid it will tarnish his image to be posted on the blog with the likes of these fools.

And here is a shot of the fountain in the middle of the lake, and a cute baby playing in the grass between the palm trees. And winged rats and breeders, but never mind them.

Confessions Meme

1. Taken a picture completely naked?
   Yes, a long time ago.
   
2. Made out with a friend from MySpace/Facebook?
   No.
   
3. Danced in front of your mirror naked?
   Probably. I can't remember specifically, but it sounds like something I would have done 30 years ago.
   
4. Told a lie?
   Yes. Please.
   
5. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
   Oh, yes.
   
6. Been arrested?
   Yep! It involved a protest, and I was released. I don't even remember if I got fingerprinted. I know I didn't have a mug shot. The case was dismissed before anything could come of it.
   
7. Made out with someone of the same sex?
   Yes, in high school. I did it for a lark, and to irritate some of the guys I hung around with. However, I wonder about the other girl. I lost track of her. I don't know if making out with me was more significant for her. She was cute. ;)
   
8. Seen someone die?
   No.
   
9. Slept in until 5 P.M.?
   No, not that I remember.
   
10. Had sex at work?
    Wanted to, but never did.
    
11. Fallen asleep at work/school?
    School, yes. Work, not quite.
    
12. Held a snake?
    Yes. Eaten one, too, a diamond back rattler.
    
13. Ran a red light?
    Yes. While driving the school bus, no less. And I told the boss about it that afternoon.
    
14. Been suspended from school?
    No.
    
15. Wrecked your car in an accident?
    No. I've been in a few wrecks, but never while driving.
    
16. Pole danced?
    Nope.
    
17. Smoked?
    I never seriously had a desire to smoke before I started driving the school bus. I am a social smoker now. I smoke clove cigarettes, mild cigars, and a pipe, usually in social situations and very rarely.
    
18. Been fired from a job?
    Yes.
    
19. Sang karaoke? In a private home, yes.
    In a public place, no.
    
20. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
    Yes. HA! I'm a parent! "I'll never say that to my children!" Famous last words.
    
21. Laughed until a drink came out of your nose?
    Yes.
    Root beer. I don't recommend it. I also laughed so hard one time at lunch in junior high school that a piece of spaghetti came out my nose. That's another thing one should avoid if at all possible.
    
22. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
    No.
    I grew up in Florida and have lived in The South all my life. I've hardly ever seen a snowflake.
    
23. Kissed in the rain?
    I don't recall. Maybe?
    
24. Sang in the shower?
    Often.
    
25. Given your private parts a nickname? No.
    
26. Ever gone out without underwear?
    Yep.
    
27. Sat on a rooftop?
    Yes.
    With Superman. We watched a lightening storm over Atlanta. It was beautiful.
    
28. Broken a bone?
    No.
    
29. Mooned/flashed someone?
    Not that I recall
    
30. Shaved your head?
    No, but I've threatened to.
    
31. Slept naked?
    Yes.
    
32. Played a prank on someone?
    Yes. It was traumatic. I didn't want to do it, but my brother put me up to it. Really he was playing the prank on his buddy, but I was the instrument.
    
33. Had a gym membership?
    Yes, but didn't work out often enough to make it worthwhile.
    
34. Felt like killing someone?
    Not seriously. Unless you count myself. So I guess in that case, yes I have, but only myself.
    
35. Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
    Yes, unfortunately.
    
36. Cried over someone you were in love with?
    Yes.
    
37. Had sex more than 10 times in one day?
    It depends on how you define "sex." I think not, technically. Half that, though.
    
38. Had Mexican Jumping Beans for pets?
    Yes. A very long time ago.
    
39. Been in a band?
    No.
    
40. Subscribed to Maxim?
    No.
    
41. Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol?
    Yuck, no.
    
42. Shot a gun?
    Yes. A pistol, a rifle, and an M16.
    
43. Had sex today?
    Unfortunately, no.
    
44. Played strip poker?
    Yes.
    
45. Tripped on mushrooms?
    No thankyouverymuch.
    
46. Donated blood?
    Yes, and platelets.
    
47. Video-taped yourself having sex?
    Nope.
    
48. Eaten alligator meat?
    No, but I would.
    
49. Eaten frog legs?
    No, and I wouldn't.
    
50. Ever jump out of an airplane?
    No.
    
51. Have you been to more than 10 countries? No.
    
52. Ever wanted to have sex with a platonic friend?
    Yes.

It's a meme, of course. I think I'm supposed to tag a few people, but I won't this time. If you want to do it, though, by all means do so.

Amusing, perhaps

I just saw this photo on Michael's blog. I think it is LOL funny. Michael has a good report to go with the photo, and I recommend you read it. But I'm just going to show you the picture.

A lovely day

It is a gorgeous day here in Central Florida. The sun is shining, the temperature in Mama's shady back yard is 68F. I am sitting at the kitchen table beside an open window, a very gentle breeze wafting through every so often. The wind chime on the eave is dinging a soft bell tone in syncopation with the birdsong.

This is my blogging station this morning. It is so peaceful and pretty. See my little bear there on the keyboard? That's my Java Bear. I've taken a few pics of (him?her?) before to show you what's going on, but haven't posted any of them, I think. I took some of him on the cruise. But I wanted to introduce him properly, and now seems like a good time. I'll give you a closer look in a subsequent post.

Mama and I have eaten breakfast and almost finished a pot of coffee. We have begun to discuss lunch, as the hour is approaching when one is inclined to dine.

Here are a few pictures of what Mama is doing these days.

This is the scooter Mama is using. She scoots around without having to put her foot down at all.

And here she is in the process of scooting. Isn't it adorable?

Time for me to go-fer again. Ta ta from Central Florida!

addendum: The rug there beside the scooter is folded back so she can roll on the floor without having to maneuver over the rug.

we seem to have somehow survived

Thursday was a rough day. I hardly slept at all. My sinus infection was attempting to rot through my cheeks and brow. But last night I slept well, and this morning my head hardly hurts at all. I feel a little bit sleepy, but it's more a "waking up" sleepy than a "go to sleep" sleepy.

I'm having a fine time with Mama. She needs very little physical help now. I have to take a picture of this wonderful contraption she's using to get around. It's a scooter. Absolutely adorable.

Most of what she needs is a go-fer. I go for her breakfast, go for her paper, go for her mail, go for.... whatever she needs. She hasn't gone anywhere except her bed, her bathroom, and her recliner. It's all she can do now, but hopefully she'll be able to go into the kitchen before I leave. Otherwise the poor dear will starve! Of course now she can't tell if I'm keeping the kitchen clean! :) (I am, btw)

I'm off now to see if she's awake and ready for breakfast. Ta ta!

Thursday morning, 3 AM

I made it to Orlando! I just pulled into the guest parking lot at Mama's condo. I'm awake and alert, and I don't want to go in and disturb my mother and aunt. I'll probably sit here in the truck on my 'puter until my battery gives up. Or until I get sleepy enough to go inside. I'm going to crash on the couch until my aunt gets up anyway, because she is sleeping in the only guest bed Mama has. Eh, whatever. My sleep cycle has been messed up most of the week anyway, so one more day isn't going to make much difference.

I had a pleasant trip. I was by myself, listening to my choice of music, driving my truck. All was well. Traffic was light once I got out of Augusta. It was still early enough to be late rush hour as I was going through Augusta. I stayed on the secondary roads most of the way through Georgia, and hopped on I-95 in Brunswick. I was on I-95 to Daytona, then I-4 to Orlando. It was a breeze, really. I started to get a little bit sleepy between Jacksonville and Daytona, so I stopped at a rest area, got out, used the bathroom, emptied my garbage bag... You know, stuff to get me moving. That was around 1:00. As I said, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I'm gonna be hurting later in the morning when Mama needs me to be "doing" for her!!! I don't know what time my aunt is leaving, but I hope she stays long enough for me to get a few hours of sleep!

That's the news. I'll post again when I get a chance, probably later today. That is, if I have anything to say. (yeah, right! Like I can't find something to talk about!)

Thanks for all your well-wishes, support, encouragement, prayers and positive thoughts. It is amazing how much that inspires me. :)

On the road again...

I am feeling better today. Not all fixed up by any means, but much more in control of myself. I'm still a bit slow, mentally. Can't make quick decisions, like "would you like fries with that?" My words are coming to me slowly, or not at all. But I am not enraged, not even angry. So far I'm barely irritated.

I am hot, though. I'm sweating. I hate to sweat. I've been packing. I have almost everything packed now, except my laptop and the cooler. Nothing is in the truck yet, though.

As soon as the truck is all packed I'm heading south to Orlando. I'm going to spend a few days (a week? Don't really know yet) helping Mama. She had surgery on her ankle and can't put any weight on it at all. My Aunt D has been with her since last Thursday evening. Mama had the surgery on Friday. I'll know more details once I get down there, but for now all I know is I'm heading south.

I will check in either late tonight (Wednesday) or sometime tomorrow. It depends on how late it is when I get to Mama's.

PMDD

Warning: Girl Stuff Alert!!

It has been months now, maybe even a year ago that my gynecologist suggested that I suffer from PMDD. I don't think about it often, only when it flares up. Like this week. I asked Butch what the "DD" means because I forgot. It's Dysphoric Disorder. I looked it up and found some interesting stuff.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder or PMDD is a condition associated with severe emotional and physical problems that are linked closely to the menstrual cycle. Symptoms occur regularly in the second half of the cycle and end when menstruation begins or shortly thereafter. PMDD is not just a new name for premenstrual syndrome (PMS), a condition that affects as many as 75% of menstruating women. It is, however, considered to be a very severe form of PMS that affects about 5% of menstruating women. Both PMDD and PMS share symptoms in common that include depression, anxiety, tension, irritability and moodiness. What sets PMDD apart is its severity. Women with PMDD find that it has a very disruptive effect on their lives. (emphasis mine)

I took an assessment quiz on this website.

My results are as follows:

Your health assessment
Your symptoms rank in the severe category. The demands you place on your body are almost overwhelming. By comparison, the support that you give yourself is inadequate.
What your assessment means
Severe symptoms mean that you suffer from entrenched hormonal imbalance. We see this degree of hormonal imbalance most often in women who are in perimenopause or transitioning through menopause, although in some cases it also occurs in younger women. Your symptoms will continue, or even worsen, unless you take action to improve your hormonal health.
Very Severe demands mean that your body is experiencing a much greater burden than most women, and this burden is overwhelming your ability to balance your hormones. Some of these demands are not within your control but it’s important to minimize those that are. In the meantime, it’s essential that you give your body extra support to counter this burden. Remember, the greater the demands on you, the greater your need for support!
Inadequate support means that you are not giving yourself the support your body needs for hormonal balance. Your symptoms are likely to get worse if you do not improve this level of support. The good news is there are simple, natural things you can do that will make a big difference in your health and well-being. Many women are surprised to learn that taking medical-grade nutritional supplements coupled with incremental changes in diet, stress management and fitness habits can go a long way in providing the support you are missing.

And because it was linked on one of the websites, and it fascinates me, here are the diagnostic symptoms listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – edition IV.

DSM-IV symptoms are as follows:

• Depressive symptoms
  
  • Markedly depressed mood, feelings of hopelessness, self-depreciation That's a yes.
    
  • Suddenly feeling sad or tearful, with increased sensitivity to personal rejection Yup.
    
  • Decreased interest in usual activities So-so. Maybe a little bit.
    
  • Lethargy, fatigue, marked lack of energy At least a little bit.
    
  • Accompanying depressive symptoms there is always the danger for suicidal ideation and behavior. Um, not to worry you or anything, but yes.
    
  • Marked changes in appetite and cravings for certain foods Sometimes
    
  • Insomnia or hypersomnia Messed up sleep patterns, for sure. Sometimes too much, sometimes too little.
    
• Anxiety symptoms
  
  • Marked anxiety, tension, feeling of being keyed-up or on-edge Yup
    
  • Persistent or marked irritability, anger, increased interpersonal conflicts Oh, yeah!
    
  • Feeling overwhelmed or out of control Very much
    
• Cognitive symptoms - Subjective sense of having difficulty concentrating Irritatingly so
  
• Physical symptoms - Breast tenderness or swelling, headaches, joint or muscular pain, weight gain, bloated feeling Not so much, usually. Not this time, anyway.
  

Risk factors for PMDD include the following:

• Personal history of a major mood disorder Check
  
• A family history of mood disorder Yeppers
  
• Premenstrual depression Oh yeah
  
• Premenstrual mood changes. Yep
  
• Past history of sexual abuse Thankfully, no.
  
• Past, present, or current domestic violence Thank the deities, NO!
  

This looks pretty much on target. Have I given adequate information over the past couple of days for analysis? What do you think?

Monday Morning, 3 AM

I slept from 5 'til 11:30. I felt better when I woke up. Superman was still up and he should have been asleep by then. He was still puttering around the house doing things like laundry and dishes. I told him to go to bed.

C and S were still up. They were watching a movie. They stayed up for a while. C was dying his hair and needed to wait the requisite time for the color to set, or whatever it does, before he rinsed it out. The three of us had a nice visit. I was able to chat with them and not lose my cool. They've gone to bed now.

While visiting with the boys I was cleaning the kitchen. I washed all the dirty dishes and wiped down all the counters completely. I moved all the stuff on the counters and cleaned behind and under everything. That doesn't get done very often. S asked me how long I was going to clean. I didn't know. I needed to do something to feel worthwhile. But I am finished cleaning for now. There is much more to do, oh boy! But that's all I'm going to do tonight.

I still don't know if I'm safe for human companionship. Even though I was able to play nice with the boys tonight, I feel like I'm on a hair trigger. I'm also having trouble focusing on a task. I'm all disjoint. I hate when this happens. It's so hard to function.

It's so hard to function.

barely repressed rage

I sit in my nest virtually visiting interesting virtual spaces.
I assume my brain is fine.
Once out of the virtual and into the actual
Oh-oh
My brain is not fine.

Rage
Where I cannot point and click
Type and enter
Say something pithy
Click away

Where children whine
Irresponsible
Uncontrollable
With no gratitude, no appreciation, no patience
No way to click away.

There
Charged with mundane responsibility
Where charm doesn't work
What tool to use?
Only rage. Only rage in the toolbox today.
Rage is effective but for the wrong reasons in the wrong way.
A sledgehammer on a delicate mechanism.
Rage distroys both sides; the giver and the receiver.

Hide. Go away. Let it go.
This doesn't fix it,
But it doesn't destroy it either.
Hide. A good response? No. But better than the
distructive
alternative.

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I get some interesting mail. Plus I get to add "amazing orgasm" to my list of tags.

Cool internet personality test

I picked this up from Patrick's blog. It is interesting, fun, and surprisingly accurate. Not entirely (I'm not that feminine!) but pretty close on a lot of things.
Scroll over the color blocks to see what each color indicates.



And click on the "Respectful Experiencer" to take the test yourself.

Hangin' out with the glbt

I got to hang out with gay people today!! In real life, in the flesh. (The flesh was covered. Don't get any naughty ideas.) University of South Carolina Upstate (Spartanburg) hosted a thing they called Bodies of Knowledge Symposium. There were 5 speakers from different areas within the glbt community, mostly from academia, who discussed a variety of topics. The symposium was attended by members of the local colleges, faculty and students, assorted community members and me.

It was heady and intellectually stimulating. I'm excited. I'm also very tired. I left the house at 7 this morning and got home at 10:00 tonight. And my sinuses are infected again. Or still. This is the third sinus infection I've had in 2 months, and I suspect the infection never left. It went on the down low for a while until it could build up a head of snot with which to lay me low. My cheeks, brow, and top teeth have hurt all day. I'm tired, but not sleepy. I drank a lot of coffee and tea today and ate some chocolate on the way home from Spartanburg. So I'm tired and wired. I'll wind down eventually, but until then I'm gonna blog for a while. I missed my blog buddies today. Oh, but I feel so energized (intellectually and emotionally, not physically) and I'm so excited about all the possibilities. I'll probably be talking about it some more over the next few days. Or I'll get distracted by other events in my life and forget to mention it here. With me ya' never know. :)

addendum on the stray dog story

Diva and Sproing say the black dog's name is KittyKitty, because he comes when they call him KittyKitty. S pointed out that the dog would come if you called him Shitface as long as you said it in that tone of voice. My children are picking up some colorful language from the older boys. Oy.

stray dogs and sex education

Diva and Sproing have recently been engaged with a stray dog that showed up over the weekend. He is a medium size black dog who looks like a cross between a Labrador and a basset hound. Yes, strange. The kids want to keep him closed up in our garage. I want the dog to go away. He is a sweet dog and can follow simple commands. He obviously belongs to somebody.

The children also like to play with the neighbor’s dog. This dog, Gabby, lives behind us. Her fenced yard backs against our back yard. Diva and Sproing have figured out how to “accidentally” let Gabby out of her yard. They do this, and then play with her. She’s a playful pup and enjoys the attention.

I was working in the kitchen the other afternoon and the kids were hanging around. We started discussing the black dog. I told them to leave him alone, don’t pay him a lot of attention and don’t feed him! They said he likes to play with Gabby. He likes climbing up on Gabby. I asked for more detail, and Diva said “He’s humping.” Ah, it all makes sense now. Black dog won’t leave soon, not of his own free will.

This of course led to an interesting discussion. I explained that some female animals go into heat when their bodies are ready to make babies. They give off a smell that attracts the male and makes him want to mate with her. Keep it simple but informative, Mom.

This story wouldn’t be blog worthy if it stopped here. No, Diva had another question. Isn’t it wonderful when youngsters are inquisitive? Mom, she says, do people do that too? No, women don’t go into heat. Sex and reproduction work differently in people. I explained that for people, sex is also a way to show love and connect emotionally. But you don’t do that, Mom! Sproing piped up to say we had to do it in order to have Light and Twitch. Ok, Diva conceded that we probably had sex twice. OMG it was all I could do to keep from laughing!

But wait! There’s more! Diva understands that of course Daddy can’t have sex anymore because he had that operation. (squelch snort) Um, that operation just disconnects the tube that carries the sperm that fertilizes the egg in a woman’s body. It doesn’t affect a man’s ability to have sex. She wasn’t so sure. I suspect she still thinks her Daddy can’t have sex. (NOT the way it works honeychile!) Diva wants a baby sister (DEAR GOD NO!!) but since Daddy can’t have sex anymore, that won’t happen.

I got a distinct impression from this conversation with Sproing and Diva: there is obviously no reason for their Mom and Daddy to have sex.

Do you ever wish you were a fly on the wall in this house?

Attention: current or former residents of Chicago

I'm having fun with MapQuest while I research college graduate programs. I'm looking at Chicago right now. The layout of this city is strange. I have questions.

1) Why is there such a small area of East streets in the city? There are like 4 or 5 blocks of E Ohio St, E Chicago Ave, E Superior St. The west side spreads out for miles. W Chicago Ave for instance. Where does that sucker end? How do you know if you live on the west side of town? Where does it start? The first block of West Chicago Ave? You are practically in the lake there.

2) I must have some aspects of an adolescent boy. Why am I so amused at the streets named Wacker Drive? There are lots of them. Well, it is one street but the name changes with the location. S Upper Wacker Dr., S Lower Wacker Dr., W Wacker Dr., W Lower Wacker Dr., (I am getting more amused as I type this) E Lower Wacker Dr., E Upper Wacker Dr. and E Wacker Dr. Oh, and I just notice E Wacker Place.

3) And speaking of street names, I see E Upper South Water Street. What’s up with that? How in the hell do you people get your pizzas delivered?

...it was a very good year

You Belong in 1957

You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in!

What Year Do You Belong In?

The amusing thing is that I wasn't born until 5 years later.

Kidlets and clothes, told in rambling stream of consciousness

Did I tell you that Light and I took Diva out to get some clothes? I actually had a good time. We went to the mall, did JCPenny. We got 2 pairs of shorts and two tops to match, and I think we got one pair of long pants. I forget exactly. Then we went to The Fashion Shack, the discount place that sells name brand irregulars. She got a pair of jeans there. She was giddy. Light seemed to enjoy it, and was extremely helpful. I was happy being out with my two girls. Then I got tired and we went home. I think everyone had a good time. Although Diva still needs more clothes, at least she's got something to wear now.

This morning I got up and helped the kids get ready for school. I didn't set my alarm because Superman had his set. I don't hear his, even though it is on the headboard shelf very near my head. I hear mine, but he doesn't. How strange is that? Anyway, he turned his alarm off and went back to sleep. Didn't wake up until 7:00. He needed a shower and the kids need to be out of the house before 7:30. Twitch was ready to go when I got up, and was almost awake. I ran a bath for Diva and bathed her myself. Soap on the washcloth, she's in the tub. I wash her back, neck, front, arms, legs, then she turns over onto her belly in the bathtub. I washed her fanny as she rinsed off her front. She rolled over to rinse the rest, then stood up. I handed her the washcloth to wash her face and proceeded to let the water out. I got her a towel and she took over from there. The whole ordeal took less than 5 minutes. That's what I call a business bath. No playing; we mean business here.

They took meds, but no breakfast because we were late. They can get breakfast at school if they get there early enough. I'm afraid they may have missed it, unfortunately. No good mommy points for that slip-up.

I took everyone to school so Superman could get his breakfast and hie himself off to work. This is one of the reasons I'm home now. I'm satisfied, pleased to be doing this. Right now. It will wear thin, I'm sure, especially when Sproing has one of his uber-cranky mornings. But this is what I do and it gives purpose to my day. (See Patrick? Purpose, productivity!)

Back to my original thought. Clothing for my kidlets. Diva has some new clothes. However, Sproing doesn't. I don't know what has happened to his pants exactly. I know his favorite green pants got ripped the other day and have been declared "totalled" by the arbiter of all things fabric. (me) He's a picky boy with strong opinions. He wears what he decides he likes, and nothing else. The green pair was one of his two "acceptable" pants. Now he's down to one pair of jeans, which he got wet yesterday afternoon.

[aside story] He wanted to wash his hair yesterday afternoon. I suggested he take a bath or shower for an easier, less messy shampooing experience. I'm just Mom, what do I know? He took off his shirt, I think, but left his jeans on. I'm not sure if he washed his hair in the sink or leaned over the edge of the tub. I was afraid to look. He bounced into the kitchen about 5 minutes later with nary a stitch of clothing covering his beautiful ebony skin. He was looking for some pants. I asked where the jeans were. They were all wet, down the front and the back of the pants, he said. Why? How? I asked, as if I wanted to know. He forgot to take them off when he bathed. I didn't want to know. [end of aside]

This pants dance has been going on for a while. I was peripheral to it before now. Now that it is my headache, too, I'm not going to put up with it. Superman has been washing Sproing's 2 pairs of pants every other day. Not me. After I took the kids to school I went to my favorite big box store and found some more pants for the small boy. He will probably like them.

Here's the thing about boys and girls. (No, not that thing. I mean another thing.) At this age (10 yrs old) buying clothes for Sproing is much easier than buying clothes for Diva. That is a general truth, and applies for a wide range of ages. Diva is there now. Light was like this at this age, too. They have their own tastes in style and color, etc. They differ from mine. I cannot see, do not notice things they like. If I pick out something for them, they most likely will not approve. Girls this age also change shape much more than boys do. And the shape-shifting occurs erratically, disproportionally. Diva fits better into women's size pants but is still comfortable in girls tops. I cannot buy clothing for her without her being present.

Boys, on the other hand, are much easier. Twitch was, Sproing is. I know what colors they like. There aren't as many color options for boys. This simplifies things considerably. Today I got 4 pairs of pants, a belt, and some new underwear for Sproing. Although he is picky about what he likes to wear, I am confident enough to make the purchases. And I think he'll like them.

Another aside: Light reads and comprehends stream of consciousness writings very well. Her teachers have been impressed. She scores well because this is how I have talked to her all her life. I can't help it. She's had to learn. Voila! Instant college prep! Good mommy points? Or simply the result of my brain function?

My interesting day so far, and it's early yet

I messed up my computer this morning. I was trying to uninstall something I downloaded but accidentally began to uninstall my display device thing. The program that configures the display. Or something. I really have no idea what I'm talking about. That's part of the problem, and how I got all messed up in the first place. I managed to fix what I broke, but haven't been able to do what I originally intended. Very frustrating!

I didn't sleep well last night. It was later than it should have been when I went to bed, and I woke up at 3. The plan was to go into work this morning. I'm supposed to be working out my 2 weeks notice. Because of the vertigo I couldn't work last week and they managed just fine without me. I thought I would drive today just to see all the kids and tell them I'm leaving for good. But as I was lying in bed chasing my thoughts last night I decided I didn't want to do that. I don't know why exactly. It's possible that we need a clean break, and that break already occurred when I wasn't there last week. Or maybe in my mind I'm already finished with the bus and just can't bring myself to get back on it. Both seem plausible.

Since I had told the boss I'd be there this morning, I went. He was putting another driver on the bus too, just in case I had trouble with the vertigo. This other driver is the one who drove the route last week. I went out to the bus, talked to the driver and told her she can go ahead and drive today if she wants, that I'd rather not do it unless they just needed me for something. She and the monitor are doing fine. So I gave her the rest of the paperwork I had for the route, took my window cleaner and left.

Well, I didn't actually leave just yet. I waited for the boss to get in, and talked to him about my decision. He was cool with it. He thought I wanted to work out this last week of my notice, but I told him that unless he really needed me, I'd be better off not driving. I can tell he's concerned about me. He is a friend. Assuring me he's not trying to pry, he asked if there was something wrong. He knows me well enough to know something is wrong. I told him it had nothing to do with the bus or the job, but he knew that. Honestly, I have no idea what's going on. I'm waiting for something and need some down time to prepare for it, or find it, but don't know what "it" is. He seemed to understand as much as this can be understood, I guess. He said to call him if I need anything or if he can help in any way. I'm going to miss working with him. He's a great boss. A pain in the ass sometimes, but overall a great boss.

So I came home. I'm very tired, should probably take a nap. I have some errands to run, but that can wait until late morning or early afternoon.

I'm uneasy. When I left the bus office this morning I felt like I need to cry, but I don't know why. I'm not particularly sad to be leaving the job. I can see any of those people whenever I need to. Maybe it's a sense of relief. Or maybe I am un-well. I can feel myself beginning to lose my mind. That sounds worse than it is. I say "lose my mind" because I'm not sure how else to explain it. It might be another big bout of depression moving in. I'm having trouble concentrating and making simple decisions. That is a classic symptom of depression. I'm easily distracted (more than usual? What do you think, Light?) and a bit jumpy. Obviously I need a tranquilizer ;) It has been very hard for me to deal with all the cleaning going on around here. Is that a symptom or a cause? I have no idea.

I have had some healthy food, including protein this morning, and am well hydrated. What I need now is sleep. So I'm going to take a nap. Let's see how I feel this afternoon.

The right meme at the right time

My beloved Cog tagged me for this one, and I'm so excited. This gives me the opportunity to tell another story! (I will try to be brief. Brevity is not my strength.)

As Cog says, I must, under the blogger rules of conduct, perform the following:

1. Pick up the nearest book (at least 123 pages).

2. Turn to page 123.

3. Find the 5th sentence

4. Post the 5th sentence on your blog.

5. Tag 5 people.

Alex Unlimited: True Chemistry by Dan Jolley, my brother-in-law!!!

p. 123, fifth sentence:

"He didn't look scared, worried, or upset in the slightest."

I tag Warrior Scout, Sageweb, Steve, Monkey, and Steven

And now I want to tell you about my brother-in-law, the author Dan Jolley. I'm so proud of him. This is Superman's brother. He's very creative. He makes his living as an author now, although it took a few years for him to become that well known and published. He has worked hard to realize this dream. He started out writing for comic books. He's done some graphic novels, too. This particular book is his third in the Alex Unlimited series. I've read the first one, but haven't gotten to the second yet. The first Alex Unlimited book was very good! These are books aimed at "young adult" readers (who actually tend to be teenagers, but whatever)

The dangerous dynamic that is friendship

My dear friends: Pay no attention to the subject of the article below except as it pertains to the story I am about to tell.

The story I am about to tell is true. Some names may be altered to protect the clueless.

I know a woman named Shelly. We've known each other for 11 years, maybe longer. She's funny, full of energy, has a sarcastic sense of humor, and quite intelligent. Shelly and her husband and five children live in an old farmhouse in a very small community a few miles outside of our city. They are practicing Catholics, Shelly particularly faithful. She has a meaningful spirituality that does more than pay lip service to the Catholic traditions.

Shelly has homeschooled her children since the oldest one was in 3rd grade. (I think.) Two of the five kids have graduated high school now and are gainfully employed. Every Halloween she puts on a big party for the kids and their friends and parents. It is wonderfully fun. This year's theme will be super heroes and villains. Yes, it is April and she's planning the party. It's that good.

Our family is large and very busy with lots of random stuff. Her family is large and busy with lots of random stuff. We don't get together very often, though when we do we always say "We need to get together more often! We have so much fun together!" The Halloween party is our annual social contact with them. Shelly is an accountant and manages the local H&R Block office. She does our taxes, charging us a reduced "family and friends" rate. So we see her a couple of times between February and April, depending on when we get our tax info together and over to her.

The tax event occurred this week. I went in to sign the forms on Monday. We sat and chatted for a while. I took about 3 or 4 dozen pens that her son had dug out of the dumpster behind the store. (Pens disappear from this household at an alarming and mysterious rate.) We discussed my change in employment status, and my plans for the future. I mentioned I want to do something with the GLBT community, possibly more of what I'm doing now with C and S but in a more in-depth way. That is one of my thoughts, anyway. There are a lot of directions this could go. Anyway, we were talking about me taking in young gays (and lesbians, too, if the gals need a place) who have been kicked out of their homes, or for whatever reason need a place to stay.

Then she asked me a question that took me by surprise. I should have expected it, but I wasn't thinking. She said "What will you do to fix them?"

......ah.....well...... Nothing. They aren't broken.

I said they are born that way. There isn't anything wrong with it.
"Yes there is, but whatever... they can't live that lifestyle!"
Why not? It isn't a choice.
"Well, they can chose not to act on those urges."
Would you deny someone the right to be in a loving committed relationship?
Duh, of course she would. That is the clusterfuck* this conversation is careening toward.
I'll save you the gory details. I'm sure you've heard them all WAY too often anyway.
We remained civil. Friendly, even. We eventually changed the subject. (I noticed the big box filled to the brim with hundreds of ink pens. That distracted me right there. ADD isn't always a bad thing :) )

This afternoon I received an email from her, a forwarded thing that has half a dozen "fwd: fw:FW:"s in front of it. I post a small portion of it here for demonstration purposes only.

McDonald's Comes Out of the Closet
Donald E. Wildmon
Founder and Chairman

McDonald's CEO: Company will put full resources behind gay agenda

McDonald's has signed on to a nationwide effort to promote "gay" and "lesbian" business ventures. According to McDonald’s CEO Jim Skinner, McDonald’s will aggressively promote the homosexual agenda. In remarks on McDonald's Web site concerning the company becoming a member of the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce (NGLCC), Skinner wrote: "Being a socially responsible organization is a fundamental part of who we are. We have an obligation to use our size and resources to make a difference in the world … and we do."

It goes on for many more paragraphs, getting uglier all the while.

I've been shielding myself from stuff like that. I've been getting my news from Joe.My.God or Michael-in-Norfolk. There are other, more thorough gay news sources; you probably know the biggies. I'm not a big news hound, and these guys are my faves. My point is that I'm not on the mailing lists of American Family Association, Focus on the Family or any of those. Not anymore. I was shocked all over again at seeing reference to the gay agenda, gay and lesbian put in quotes. For the last year or so I've immersed myself in information and connections with homosexuality and the glbt community. I forgot how different it is out there.

This is an example of one reason I don't have local friends. Just about everyone I knew, everyone I considered a friend, holds these homophobic opinions. They have severed the relationship. I think Shelly and I can remain friends. I want to. She's pretty good about not letting differences ruin a friendship. But we won't be as close as we were, not as long as she remains homophobic. The ironic thing about this is that Shelly's sister is a lesbian. "Aunt B" lives in a small mobile home at the other end of their driveway. I also have my suspicions, as does Light, about Shelly's oldest daughter and daughter #3.

*clusterfuck is my new favorite cuss word for the week. I'm trying to raise my score on the cuss-o-meter.