Today in spam

Your penis doesn't work well? Don’t be spaced out! Run to a drugstore!

I'm afraid it's true. My penis does not work very well. It's hardly even there. But I don't think running to a drugstore will help my penis. 

I can't resist sharing this bit of spam

I know we recently reviewed my latest favorites from my spam folder, but I saw this tonight (it slipped past the filter and landed in my inbox) and, after reading the entire sentence, I couldn't resist sharing.

Malwin STERN to jason 11:54 PM
For 6 months and now my penis is immensely longer than federal.

Longer than federal? Not just longer, but immensely longer. That is the message in its entirety.


In other news, Shamanism is the newest trend in spirituality.

Yes, I said Shamanism. The helpful, spiritual sort of thing that can put you back in peace and harmony with the universe and make your wises and desires come to life...

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Spam Gold!

The simple things in life give me much pleasure. Especially when my world seems to be crashing down around me, trying to snuff me out, these simple pleasures like fragile toothpicks hold back the crushing flotsam.

I've had some pretty boring spam recently. A few adverts for hook-up sites, miraculous ways to lose weight and make lots of money. Evidently I can stop smoking without stress finally and forever. Thankfully I never started smoking, so that problem is solved. There's been hardly anything offering to improve my sex life. Those, of course, are my favorites.

But today I got some good ones. There's this one:

Erectile dysfunction is a problem which can be solved with Erectifix. The powerful formula of Erectifix guarantees hard and easy to attain erection.

And FOUR different messages promising to make my penis bigger! I'm thrilled! I will discover a new and happy side of love. (Huh? It's pretty happy already. And I don't think they are talking about real love.) "It will be shipped quickly and discreetly and delivered just on time. Your life is going to change from then on. " How can I refuse?

More helpful products from my spam folder

New Penis Enlargement Patches!

-Attract women of all ages
-Excite women before even talking to them
-Make women want to sleep with you immediately
-Millions of men are already using them!
-Proven to work!

The above copy was obviously written by a guy for guys, with no regard for women or how women think. Very few women base their sexual intentions on the size of a guy's schlong, at least not as a first priority. That's more of a guy thing.

"Penis enlargement patches." I have an image of a penis covered with patches, the patches themselves contributing to the physical impression of an increase in size.

How many of you want to excite women before even talking to them?
How would one go about doing this? By wearing his penis on his sleeve, so to speak?

I wonder, too, about attracting women of all ages. Did the copywriters think about what that might mean? Some guy with patches all over his penis to give it the appearance of great size, wearing tight pants so this package is obvious, goes walking down the street. Some wrinkled overweight 50 year old grandma has raging menopausal hormones causing an increase in sexual desire. She's old and experienced enough to know what she likes in a penis, and isn't afraid of significant size. Her old man spends so much time boozed up and watching some dumb sports programming that his dick has shriveled from lack of attention. She spies the aforementioned package. Desire springs forth. She follows the patched pirate, and attempts to flirt with him. Is this the attention he wanted? Seriously?

Maybe I overthink these things. Maybe I ought to delete my spam without looking at it.

Also, harmful parasites are living and breeding in your stomach.