How addicted am I?

I couldn't stand it. I've missed you all a lot. So I'm hooked up to the ship's wifi. I have a very good connection. I'm sitting in the highest bar onboard. It is on the 14th deck. We're overlooking Ocho Rios, Jamaica right now.

I went into town earlier and spent too much money shopping. I got some rum, though, so it isn't a total waste.

Did I tell you that I love me my Superman? He loves me, too. Take a gander at the comment he left on the le voyage post.
Darling -
I miss you so much.
The 25 years we've spent together seem like a pleasant dream, bright and lingering. Your companionship is the weft of my life, your voice the pallet of my mindscape. I'm not me when you aren't here. And you are NOT here. I understand now some of what you went through whenever I'd have an extended business trip.
That being said, I am so glad you got to go on this cruise. You need the rest. More, you DESERVE the rest, the time away to reflect and just do what YOU want to do, not what everyone else in your daily life wants you to do. Please take advantage of it.
Don't worry about us. You know me. I'll survive. This absence will serve as an excellent reminder not to take you for granted.
Have fun, but be careful, and come back, and share yourself with me again. Titanic-style angst is neither needed nor desired. ;-)
You are loved.

Day 1

We boarded the ship sometime between 1:00 and 2:00 p.m. I don't know exactly what time it was. I'm on vacation. I didn't look. That was mostly boring stuff like standing in line. It really didn't take too long, as we had filled out our info online beforehand. We made our way up to the room. It is lovely.
[This connection won't let me upload pix. You'll have to wait a few more days.]

There was a buffet served until 3:45 in the large restaurant at the back of the ship. Not the main dining room. That was hugely crowded and a royal pain, but it was food and I was hungry by then. Since that was the only place to eat on the whole ship at that time it was very crowded.

We had to have the mandatory life raft safety escape thing drill. That was thrilling. (not) But it didn't last too long and we were released to do as we pleased. Mama and I came back to our room. Our luggage had been delivered while we were drilling. Mama unpacked and I sat on the balcony. Mama came out and we waited for the ship to depart. Mama was the first to notice the ship moving. It left the dock so smoothly I didn't notice. Our room is on the side opposite the dock at this port, although we are on the port side of the ship. My uncle the retired naval officer told me not to worry about this minor detail. So I'm trying not to. Nevertheless, we cast off.

As soon as we got clear of the port I could feel the ship swaying. It was funny. Made me giggle. I don't giggle often. We are well on our way now and the ship is swishing back and forth. It makes me feel drunk even though I'm not. It just feels like I'm dizzy. You may remember that I have a touch of vertigo. The swaying of the ship exacerbates the vertigo. I feel so funny and dizzy.

I had my first drink shortly after we got underway. It was a fruity rum drink, my favorite.

Thankfully we have the first seating for dinner. That means we get to eat at 6:00 instead of 8:30. I was hungry by 6:00. Tonight I had prime rib. It was really good! They have a nice vegetarian selection, too, which I may take advantage of later in the week. But tonight it was meat.

I excused myself from the table after dinner but before any of the rest of the family left. Just outside of the dining room is a wonderful little place called the champagne bar. Well, I really like champagne, and I've only had one drink so far. I went in, ordered a glass of champagne. The bar tender also brought two little snacks; a wafer shell with caviar and a dark bread square with salmon pâté. My first taste of either. It was good.

I wondered around, got some info on internet connections (standard rate .55 cents/hour. Packages available. Hmmmm.) The library is small, very few books, but the seats look very comfy. I brought more books than I can finish in a week anyway, so I don't need any. I was just curious.

Made my way back to the room. I turned the lights out in the room and went out onto the balcony. It was really nice. The waves against the side of the ship make a wonderful wave-ish sound. The stars are twinkling in the sky right where they are supposed to be. It was very relaxing. I believe I will put some comfortable shoes on and check out the upper deck. I'd like to see if there is any good star gazing up there. Probably not, as I suspect there will be too much light. But whatever. I know there is at least one bar up there and I need some more fruity rum drink.

I'm not having any trouble (so far) with sea sickness. The movement of the ship is kinda nice, in a funny way. I want to recline in a deck chair and enjoy it.

le Voyage

Today is the day of embarkation. I just love that word. Always have, but today it has deeper meaning to me.
Mama is teasing me about blogging this morning. Since I am uncertain about internet access onboard this may be the last time I can post before we get back. So I am. So Mama sends her greetings to all of you. This makes her nervous, because she's afraid if she actually participates in this blog foolishness everyone will know who she is.
Now, if she reads this she'll get angry because I make her sound like an idiot. So to clear things up for you, I must tell you the truth. She is far from being an idiot. She is a well educated progressive woman who is comfortable with many aspects of modern technology. However, computers to some extent, and the internet specifically, make her uncomfortable. We all fear what we don't understand, especially if it is a powerful force.
I don't really have anything more profound to say than that. I just want to send my message through the ether once again before I leave.
So farewell, and I'll bring back lots of cool pictures and stories of my adventures.

About last night

Mama and I are about to go out for breakfast, so this is another quickie post.
I met up with these two bitches last night for drinks and laughs at a local gay bar. I love gay bars. I haven't been to one in years and years. I need to do this again. Soon.

It was fantastic meeting my blog buddies. This is the first time I've ever met any bloggers in person. Although my darling mother was worried about what sort of evil might befall me, I nevertheless survived and thrived. These fellas and their spouses were wonderful, funny, sweet, and very much gentlemen (yes, I saw through the guise).

A quickie

Mama went out to have her nails done this morning. She's been gone 2 hours now. I did my nails last night. It didn't take long. A few quick passes with an emery board and ta-da.

I've come this far...

I made it to Orlando. All is well, except that I had forgotten how silly my mother is.
I pulled out of my driveway at 9:01 a.m. I walked in Mama's front door at 8:30 p.m. It wouldn't have taken that long, except I'm a shunpiker. I didn't get on the interstate until I was 1.5 hours away from Orlando. The area around Orlando is so built up for miles and miles. Taking the smaller highways means stop and go, traffic lights every few blocks within 50 or 60 miles of this place.

I drove my beloved truck, Manny. He did fine. I don't like to ask too much speed out of him, so avoiding the interstate usually allows me to go at a somewhat slower pace. I tried to be safe. I stopped when I needed to, walked around a bit, had a snack and a bathroom break regularly. I wore my seat belt, I didn't follow to closely and tried not to be followed too closely. That's a bit trickier, though! I let Mama and Superman know my route; I called Superman every couple of hours just to make him aware of my progress. I paid close attention to the traffic and road conditions around me. I have good mirrors on the truck which improves my vision field, and I use my mirrors extensively. Guys, I'm a professional driver. I know what I'm doing. Granted that doesn't prevent other idiots from doing unto me that which will cause damage, but I'm usually pretty aware of conditions and try to avoid situations that could turn ugly. I am not perfect and sometimes do careless or stupid stuff when I drive, but not intentionally, and I fix my attention when I notice shit like that happening. And I notice a lot. It's a Java thing.

Now that she has gone to bed, I'll tell you about my silly Mama. First of all, I had to teach her how to use Google. The woman has had a computer longer than I have. She's an accountant, self employed. She needs the computer for work, and can do that bookkeeping/accounting stuff like a little demon when she gets going. It's Greek to me. However, the internet befuddles her. She's good at email, and last time I was here I taught her about Shanghai Dynasty. Nasty thing. Don't go there. Don't fall in to the trap. Today I taught her how to use Google. We got into the advance search feature and I helped her look up herself online. She typed in her given name, not the nickname she's used since she was in high school. Over 200,000 results, probably none of them her. Not in the first 100,000 pages anyway. Then I had her type in the name she uses every day. Still a bunch of results. Went to Advanced Search, had her add her profession, and we put her name in the "this exact phrase" field. Down to 197 results. Added a couple of the professional and service organizations of which she is a member, and got 6 results! And the first 3 were actually her. I couldn't tell if she was impressed or not.

And I told her about blogs. I told her a little bit about our section of the blogging community. Told her how many new gay friends I have. She's pretty accepting. Don't think the gay thing bothers her much. However, she rolled her eyes at me. I suspect she thinks I've gone a bit overboard with this. Not that it bothers me, mind you. She's my mother. What she thinks doesn't affect much of what I do. (remind me of this next time I get upset about my kids ignoring me)

Thanks to Lewis, I've met a couple of other bloggers from this area. We may be getting together Friday night. Of course I mentioned this to Mama. The first thing she asked me is "Have you actually MET them before?" uh.. not in person. "Be careful!" she says, in that tone of voice. Mama, it isn't like that! I'm afraid the woman believes every urban legend she's ever heard. She forwards all those emails to me. I think I've introduced her to Snopes.com. Maybe we need another internet lesson tomorrow.

Anyway, I had a wonderful day today driving my truck for hours and hours. And I'm in Mama's condo now, and it is clean! (My house hasn't been clean since 1995) Although my darling Superman is 400+ miles away from me right now :-( , my children are 400+ miles away from me right now! :-) And I'm blogging, which always makes me happy. Things are good.

I'll be back when I can get here. I'll be thinking of you all (at least a little bit) when I'm gone. (It has been suggested by those closest to me that I have a problem spending too much time blogging. I have no problem at all. I can spend too much time blogging quite well, thank you!)

TTFN

The plan was to leave home at 6 this morning. Well, it is 8:30 and here I am ripping off this last post. I was up way too late last night getting packed to get up that early this morning.

I am driving from South Carolina to Florida today to my Mama's house. On Sunday we will board the ship and set sail (there are no sails on this ship, I am assured) for the Carribean. I will probably be able to post again from Mama's house, but I'm not sure about the ship. If I don't post from the ship, at least I will be taking notes (and pictures) to post later.

So ta ta for now, wish me a safe drive (positive energies/prayers appreciated) and I'll check in tonight or tomorrow.

P.S. I'm driving my beloved truck, which, though I adore it, is a bucket of bolts. Remind me to tell you how much my mechanic loves me....

gay secrets

I have a question about being gay with straight people.
To start with, let me tell you what I have learned about gays and lesbians who are out and open about their sexuality. Correct me, please, if I’m wrong.
· Homosexuals are people who happen to have same sex attractions.
· While there are some well earned stereotypes, there is a huge range of behaviors, mannerisms, preferences, taste, and attitude among the homosexual population.
· It is difficult to be openly gay/lesbian in our society, especially outside of large metropolitan areas.
· A lot of people, individually and in organized groups, hate and/or fear homosexuals. (These people are either ignorant or idiots)
· Gays and lesbians have been and are being hurt both physically and emotionally as the result of this homophobia.
· There is no devious homosexual agenda. The only devious agenda I see is the right wing groups, typically religious, who try to deny certain inalienable* rights to those with same sex attractions.
· Homosexuals want to be treated like normal human beings in the course of everyday life. Because they are. Duh.
There is more, but that’s what I came up with off the top of my head just now.
Probably in large part because of the societal alienation (not alien nation. That’s in Roswell) there is camaraderie among gays and lesbians. Sort of like an exclusive club. While not exactly members of the club, there are heterosexuals who are friendly to the group. People who have close friends who, by the way, are gay. Not necessarily people who say “some of my friends are gay” when trying to impress someone. Those people are either ignorant or idiots. But I digress.
How does a gay person recognize an accepting straight person? I know about gaydar. I’m aware of certain social clues that indicate a person I meet might be gay or lesbian. How do they recognize me? What do I say or do or even look like to indicate an accepting attitude toward homosexuals?

*Someone should devise a tongue twister using the word “inalienable.” Or use it as a sobriety test.

Twitchiness

Meet Twitch, my son. He is my son, and I love him very much. This isn't always easy. I woke up very early this morning and he was already awake. He greeted me with fuss and argument. This is not what I want to do at 4:30 in the morning before I've had my coffee.


Things about Twitch

1. He is 16 years old.
2. He will be 17 on Valentine's Day.
3. He is 6 feet tall, weighs aprox. 230 lbs.
4. His hair is coarse and tends to curl a bit, though isn't what you'd call curly, exactly. And it is a medium brown color. He wants straight hair.
5. He likes heavy metal music. Or at least I think that's what they call that screaming thumping noise that pulses through the walls of his room.
6. He likes to listen to his music when he wakes up in the morning, even if it is 3:00 in the morning.
7. He's not very considerate of others. Oh, I said that. He's 16.
8. He suffers from a number of neurological irregularities.
9. When he suffers, we all suffer. He's 16.
10. He's been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Depression, and Tourette's Syndrome. I suspect he also has some anxiety disorder.
11. He suffers a lot. And I really do sympathize with him, and feel bad for him. However, refer to #9 above.
12. One symptom of the above disorders (probably Tourette's or OCD, maybe more) is physical tics. These manifest in the poor boy as a need to rattle any paper he is holding, bang his fist on tables, desks, counters, etc., bang the back of his arm/elbow against a wall or chair that he's leaning against, and bang his fist against his thigh. There are more, but that's what I can think of right now.
13. He is compelled to speak very fast. He rushes to get his words out as fast as he can, and doesn't pay adequate attention to annunciation. His speech can be virtually impossible to understand at times. When asked to repeat himself, he usually spits it out as fast as he did the first time. This is frustrating for everyone, including himself.
14. He is easily frustrated.
15. He likes to argue. He denies this, very argumentatively. It would be funny if it wasn't me he was arguing with. You may laugh if you like.
16. He is very intelligent. He reasons in unique ways, and conversations with him can be very surreal. It has been ever thus, since he began to speak in sentences at age 3.
17. He talks to himself. A lot. He carries on in depth conversations with himself when he is alone in his room.
18. He talks in his sleep. Loudly. Sometimes it is difficult to tell if he's awake or asleep when we hear his voice through the walls of his room. He usually makes more sense when he's awake. Usually. We all find this amusing.
19. He belches most impressively. His burps resound through the house.
20. He is a Boy Scout. He has been active in Boy Scouts since the 5th grade. Currently he holds the rank of Star Scout, but he only needs to have a board of review to make Life Scout. He is aiming for Eagle Scout, and is more than half way there now. I am extremely proud of him for this accomplishment.
21. He is good at all those scout-y things, like camping and building fires and chopping wood. This is useful.
22. He is good at naming things. He named our dog, Ruby. He used to name all of his stuffed animals. He has named a few other things, but I don't remember what exactly. He gets the essence of the thing in his naming.
23. He likes animals, especially cats. He has a cat, an all black neutered male we acquired one October (I think) named, appropriately, Samhain. Because of the allergies of many family members the cat is an outside cat. Current temperature 27F. I let him inside a few minutes ago. I'm not completely heartless.
24. His social skills aren't good. I suspect he is on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. I have discussed this with some of his doctors, but there hasn't to my knowledge been an official diagnosis. He doesn't make friends easily.
25. He is very unique, obviously. A teenage boy attending public school is at a social disadvantage if he is unique. A socially challenged unique teenage boy is in deep doo doo.
26. He makes good grades when he applies himself. He is very smart and can remember a lot. But he has standards. If a teacher gives an assignment that he deems irrelevant he won't do it. Last year in art class he didn't like the final assignment the teacher gave them. She assigned a research paper on any famous artist. He wanted to do an art project; you know, make art. So he didn't do the assignment. He took a grade of 96 down to a 74. That is passing, but barely. I was livid. This is not adaptive behavior. That won't fly in the real world.
27. He is a good artist. He especially likes to draw. He doesn't use color much, just graphite pencil or sometimes charcoal. Cartoons are among his favorite things to draw. He's got an odd sense of humor, somewhat dark, often very funny. His art has been one of the best expressive outlets for him as he struggles through the growing up process.
28. He likes to read cartoons. One of his favorites is Calvin and Hobbes. (The boy has good taste in cartoons with this one, IMHO) He learned to read by reading Calvin and Hobbes comic books. I home schooled him until he was in 6th grade. He resisted reading. Hell, he resisted just about anything. He's stubborn. But he loved Calvin and Hobbes and would spend long hours on his bed looking at the books. The humor spoke to him, and he had to read it to get it, so he did. I gave him a few tools, but he taught himself to read.

I was very angry with the boy when I sat down to write this. I'm glad I did this, though. It has calmed me down and helped me remember the struggles he has. It has also reminded me how funny and smart and unique and special he is, those things about him I really like.

At issue this morning: The cat. It is, as I mentioned, kinda' cold here. The cat comes inside sometimes when it is very cold. Twitch isn't allergic to cats, and it is his cat, so Samhain often spends his inside time in Twitch's room. This is normal. However we have no litter box for the cat in there, and no food. Samhain only hides out in there temporarily. He's an active kitty and wants to roam anyway.

Twitch has a bed, but doesn't like his mattress. It is an old and saggy mattress, and I don't blame him for disliking it. C and S recently bought themselves a new futon, but like their old futon mattress better than the one that came with the new one, so they gave this extra futon mattress to the boy. He put it on top of his existing mattress. I told him to put a sheet on it to protect it. He's 16, and straight, so he needs to be told these things. Well, he's 16 and I'm his mom, so of course he didn't do what I asked him to. 2 weeks ago.

Last night Samhain was in his room. Someone else threw the cat in there, he claims. The cat, being a cat, barfed on the mattress. The mattress that has no sheet on it. Twitch, being 16, either couldn't or didn't want to figure out how to clean it up. So he took the mattress off his bed and carried it to the living room and dumped it on the floor. When I came out of my room at 4:45 he immediately started fussing at me (rather loudly for the hour and the number of people asleep in the house) because someone put the cat in his room. He demanded to know who did it because punishment must be administered. Now? Whatever. I fussed at him because he hadn't put a sheet on his bed, pointing out that a sheet is easier to clean than a mattress. This is the same reasoning I gave 2 weeks ago when I told him to put the sheet on. But I digress.

I asked if he'd cleaned up the mess. At first he said yes, but really he'd just moved the mattress. Then he admitted the mess was still there, so I had him show it to me. Gentle readers, this cat barf mess was the littlest bit of nothing I've seen in a while. One spot about 3-4 inches across. He said he couldn't find any all-purpose cleaner. I had him get a rag, wet it, and wipe the mess up. Didn't even use any cleaner. Then I found the Febreeze for him to spray on it and made him carry it back to his room. The whole time he was arguing with me, demanding to know who put the cat in his room. I don't know, I went to bed early last night. That's not the point, anyway. What's done is done. Water under the bridge. Cat barf already on the mattress. Just deal with it and move on. But he's 16. And OCD. Good gawd.

He was arguing loudly, he was stomping and banging, he had his music up too loud. That he didn't wake up Sproing is a miracle. Sproing is a very light sleeper, and sleeps on the other side of the wall from Twitch's room.

He's my son. He has issues. He is also a wonderful young man with lots of promise. And I love him. And he went back to bed so isn't here to continue aggravating me. All is well.

Mildly amusing

My mother, Mama, remember her? She's a wonderful lady, especially so in that she is taking me on a cruise. Mama likes to forward email to me, stuff she thinks is cute or funny. Most of the stuff I get from her is pretty good. Rarely does she send that overly sappy crap. Every once in a while she'll send something truly hilarious. This isn't truly hilarious, but I thought it was kinda sweet.

ANGELS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.~~~Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.~~~Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.~~~Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.~~~Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.~~~Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!~~~Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.~~~Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.~~~Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.~~~Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.~~~Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.~~~Antonio, 9
(Well, some boys, anyway! :-) )

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.~~~Lynn, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.~~~Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.~~~ Sarah, 7

And, on another note:
Electile Dysfunction: the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for president put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.

Light comes back

I drove up to Spartanburg this evening to get Light. It is so good to see her! She showed me a few things she's been working on in art class, I visited with her roommate (the Monkey) for a few minutes, then we went to Sam's Club. We had a really fun time. She's such a delightful young lady. She's home now, will be here until Sunday. It feels very comfortable having her home.

A brand new day

Isn't it wonderful that every day we get a brand new day in which to try again. Some days will end up pretty rotten, other days will go fairly well, and others are destined for greatness.

I don't know where this day will end up, but so far it has been a heap better than yesterday. I did not get a good night's sleep. The sleep I got was quality sleep, but I didn't sleep long enough. But I don't have a specific time schedule today, so I was able to take a nap this morning. It's 1:00 in the afternoon and I'm still wearing my flannel nightgown. This is a good thing today. And I feel more rested now.

Superman took Diva to the day care today. I hope she has a good time. Sproing is here with me. This isn't exactly what I had planned for today, but right now I'm not too upset about it. We've had a couple of good discussions. Well, I've discussed and he has squirmed. But he says he understands and will do better. That's what he said when we talked Tuesday night, but yesterday he did not do better. I'm pretty sure we won't be sending him back to that day care, though. He hates being there and I suspect he will continue to behave abominably as long as he is there. I hate giving in to him like this, but under the circumstances I don't know what else to do.

He and I have had some quality together time. I suspect that his recent behavior is in part a cry for attention. I'd rather give him positive than negative attention. So I have laid out the parameters of his restriction and within those bounds we have been able to enjoy being together. I have given him ONE toy, his favorite truck. That's the only toy he can play with for the rest of his life or until I decide he can have another. I am also giving him access to paper, pencil, crayon. He can draw, color, or write. He can also read. I haven't restricted his access to books, so he can read pretty much anything he wants. He is a good reader, but can't sit still long enough to read much at one time.

He sat in my lap and read a couple of books to me. We've had some snuggle time. I've scratched his fuzzy head. (he loves that. So do I.) I've listened to him ramble. (he loves that. I find it tedious, but it's a good mommy thing to do.) Over all I feel we're having a successful day.

My original plan for today was to drive up to Spartanburg to get Light. I was going to leave fairly early this morning and hang around campus until she got out of class. That obviously didn't happen. The weather also complicated matters. We got some wintery wetness. Mostly just rain here, but in Spartanburg it was more frozen. She says there is snow on the ground, not much, but the roads are clear now. I wanted to give the roads a chance to warm up and any ice to melt before setting out. I will be leaving fairly soon for Spartanburg. She and I will go to Sam's Club, too, since there isn't one around here and Superman wants to stock up on some stuff. The way things have transpired, it'll be late when we get back to Greenwood. As I said, not the way I wanted to do it, but the way it is. So be it. Whatever. Life goes on. Insert pithy comment here.

I appreciate the wonderfully warm kind comments I received on yesterday's tragic post. Really. More than you know. My heart swells with gladness at the thought of my wonderful blog buddies. Thank you.

Where do I go to resign? A tale of woe, Part 2

I think that was the title of a book about parenting, maybe by Erma Bombeck. Something with a light and humorous flair. I am feeling much less than light and humorous.

I feel like shit. I feel like a failure. Honestly, I'm not that bad a parent. I make mistakes, I sometimes am not as available as I probably should be. But dammit, I try! I love my children, every one of them, whether they are acting lovable or not. I have always acted as loving as I can to my children. I speak kindly to them. I do not say insulting or denigrating things to them, ever. At least not on purpose. I'm very careful about that. I support, I uplift (I sound like a bra) I encourage. I am as positive as possible. Even when I am angry at them or disappointed and am punishing them, I always tell them that I love them. "I don't like what you are doing, I am mad about this, I am mad at you, but I still love you. I always love you. No matter what, I will always love you." I have said this to all of my children over and over and over again.

My heart broke today when I got the call from the day care to go get the boy. This is the second day in a row, and it has happened before this week also. He seems to be getting more and more violent, aggressive.

Yesterday I went in to get him and the big boss, the top administrator, a big ol' round-bellied, bald headed bear named Ben wanted to talk to me. He's a nice man, really. He cares about the kids, and he cares about the staff. He said "we can't have this kind of behavior..." Yea, I know. I agree totally. The crap this boy has dished out recently is unacceptable. He isn't fit to be in the presence of other people when he behaves like this. Something is seriously wrong. I am saying this sort of thing to the man, completely agreeing about how unacceptable this boy's behavior is. And yet, he keeps saying "We can't have that kind of behavior...." Shit. Shut up. Just let me take the little devil away and beat the snot out of him. The man made me feel defensive when there was nothing to defend.

He was there again today. Waiting on me, I guess. He goes into his "We can't have this kind of behavior" spiel again. I was on the verge of tears. Hell, I was on the verge of tears as soon as I got the message. (Twitch answered the phone and took a message, not letting me talk on the phone at all. Whatever.) I felt beaten when Twitch told me. Shit. What the hell am I supposed to do??? (Rhetorical question. Do not answer.) I agree with Ben. I say this is totally unacceptable. I also told him that Sproing won't be back the rest of the week, anyway, and that Superman and I will discuss our options and see what we can come up with. Shit.

And all this time I'm about to cry. I feel so defeated. And overwhelmed. When we got home I took all the toys from him, all that he had on and around his bed. Then I spanked him. Then he went to bed. I told him that he's staying on his bed with nothing to play with for the rest of the day. I still am not ready to talk to him. I'm not even ready to talk about it. Light just called and I tried to tell her what happened, and I just can't get past the bare details.

After Sproing was in his bed I called Superman to let him know what was going on. That's when I lost it. I started crying on the phone and couldn't talk at all. I told him we'd talk later. S had been with me a good bit of the time, he'd gone with me to pick up Sproing. He heard me crying and came in to the bedroom where I was sitting on the bed. He held my hand, told me he loves me, tried to get me to count backwards. This is how he helps me calm down. But today I wasn't ready to calm down. I needed to cry. And all I could say was NO! I couldn't explain anything.

A few minutes later C got home from school. C really knows how to deal with me when I'm in that state. He didn't hold my hand, he held ME. He didn't try to get me to stop crying, he didn't say anything. S told him why I was crying. He just held me and let me get his sweater wet. A lovely argyle pullover in earth tones, mostly tan and brown. Very gay. He looked good. It shed water well, too, so I didn't stain it. After a few minutes he started breathing deeply and regularly, demonstrating how I was to breathe. We've done this before. I know my cue. When I stopped sobbing he said he had to get ready for work, and he and S left the room. He came back a little while later with some herbal tea he'd concocted for me. It was soothing herbs, designed to calm me down. He said the effect was the main thing, not the taste, so drink! It tasted kinda bitter and icky, but I could drink it. And it did help chill me out. For a little while there I was snoozie, but I've since eaten some supper and am feeling more awake now. Tired, but awake. I'm going to bed early tonight.

After dealing with this mess with Sproing, I was sapped. I had planned to get a bit of work done around the house, to do a little more prep for my trip. There are a couple of simple skirts I want to sew, and they won't take much time. But I do need to get started on them.

This kind of crap sucks the life out of me. I'm useless for anything else now for the rest of the day. After I'd put him in bed I took a shower and put my flannel night gown on. It wasn't even 3:30 yet. It's cold and icky here, we're expecting ice and freezing rain tonight and tomorrow. The house is chilled. I'm in my flannel under the quilt on my bed. This is about all I can do tonight. I can't bear the thought of going into the living room. Diva and Twitch are in there with Superman. Twitch has a nice fire going in the fireplace. (He's a boy scout. He knows from fires.) I can not be around people right now. Even Superman coming to sit beside me just makes me all nervous and distracted.

I don't know how to end this post. I hope after a good night's sleep I will feel better tomorrow. But Sproing is going to be here all day tomorrow with me, and I have no idea what to do with him, what to say to him, how to show him that I love him but will not accept his current behavior trends. And right now I don't even want to think about it. I can't.

***Sigh***

A tale of woe, Part 1

The day started pretty well. I had high hopes. But alas, my hopes were dashed.

Today is the last day of the semester in this school district. Therefore today was a half day. I picked up all my students before 11:45 this afternoon, and was completely finished an hour later. Cool, huh?

Twitch is going on a ski trip this weekend with his scout troop. He needed some ski pants for the excursion. We don't get snow, and we have no significant sloping areas. After work he and I went looking for ski pants at area sporting goods establishments. We found exactly what he needed at the second store. The stock was almost depleted but there was a pair in his size. They were marked down 20%, too, so it only cost $81.32. OUCH! I knew they'd be pricey. With me going out of town next week, my truck in the shop, and a few other unexpected expenses this month I really didn't want to spend $81.32 on a pair of ski pants for the boy that he'll probably never wear again after this weekend. He needs to get a job so he can pay for this kind of thing himself. The trip cost $110, plus $20 for meals on the road to and from the mountain. He needs to make his own money for stuff like this. He'll be 17 next month. It is time.

But that, while unpleasant, isn't what shot my afternoon to hell. No, it was the other son,
Sproing. I am feeling very uncharitable toward that imp today. Allow me to elaborate.

Sproing has been having some trouble at the after school day care. He refuses to cooperate, won't do the simple things he is asked to do, makes a big mess or a big fuss or both and refuses to clean up after himself. He's belligerent and defiant. That's bad enough, but these gals can handle that pretty well. No, it gets worse.

Of late he's also been screaming insults, including profanities, at the ladies who work with him. There is one young lady in the after school classroom and another woman who is the center director, both of whom have been working with him on his behavior. They tell me he has broken two chairs in the lunch room area, throws his book bag around the room if he's mad. He has been lying to the director about his homework, saying he doesn't have any when in fact he does. They have a homework time at the center. All the kids have at least a little bit of homework Monday through Thursday. I think it's school policy, maybe even district wide. I dunno, but he always has at least a little bit of homework. He refuses to do it and lies about it.

As if that weren't enough, he has begun to get physical with these gals. He has hit and kicked the classroom worker, and has scratched the director. The guy who is the director's boss called me yesterday to come get him because he was being so dangerous and disruptive. Yesterday he ran out of the building toward the parking lot, trying to, I don't know, escape. The director told him he couldn't do that, no sir! So he did it again. Today he threw a pair of scissors at the classroom lady, and punched the director in the stomach. Twice. Yesterday he spilled a glass of milk on the table at snack time. On purpose, of course. When told to clean it up, he took the paper towels and threw them on the floor. The lady persisted with her instruction and direction, and he finally got it cleaned up, but it took him half an hour.

There are a few other kids at the center. There are probably 6-8 other children in the after school group. When the workers are having to put so much energy into Sproing they of course aren't able to focus on anyone else. When the little brat acts like this he ruins the time for all the other kids. And of course he frustrates the workers out of their minds.

Superman and I had a firm talk with the boy last night, and then he got a spanking. Talking doesn't work, though. And the spanking didn't seem to do much, either. Although today when I brought him home I gave him another good spanking. This one relayed a stronger impression, I think, than the one he got yesterday. I had to stop before I got too rough.

I can't even talk to him. I talked yesterday, we went over it all. I asked him questions, he talked to me. He said he'd do better, but he didn't. I wonder if he is able to. The time for talk is over. Done. Dead. Gone. He knows better than this. He is actually a very intelligent little boy. He's almost 10; his birthday is next Thursday, two days after mine. He's intelligent, but belligerent. I don't know what his angle is, but he's got to cut this crap out. The center is about one straw away from throwing him out completely. The way he's behaving, I don't blame them.

Today is Wednesday. The kids are out of school tomorrow and Friday. I've already paid for Sproing and Diva to attend the day care those two days. But I'm not taking the demon child back this week. I have plans, I was counting on them being in the day care so I could accomplish some things. But no, not Sproing. He's got to make a huge fuss and get kicked out.

I wonder if that is his plan. He has told me he doesn't want to go there because they are mean. When asked to elaborate he says they make him pick up his book bag off the floor and hang it up with the other ones. Of course we've talked to him about that. That sort of thing is expected wherever you go. Pretty much everything he has issue with (at least that he's told us) is normal expected accepted standards of behavior.

A couple of years ago he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. ODD is Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Years ago when I first heard of ODD I thought "A disorder?? No, that's just a lack of discipline. That indicates bad parenting." Note to the wise: don't ever say anything like that. It'll come back to bite you in the butt. Hard. And NOT in a good way. Well, now Sproing is taking medication for the ADHD, and recently started on Remeron (or however it's spelled) which treats depression and helps him relax to go to sleep. He's always had trouble sleeping. Right now I doubt the effectiveness of both medications.

I have more to say about how I'm handling this, but I'll put that in a separate post.

Please do not give me any advice. I can't handle advice right now. There is a chance that maybe you've been in a situation like this. But I doubt it. Unless you are a recognized expert who has difficult children that you are parenting or have parented on a full time basis, I really don't want your advice right now. However, I will accept all the sympathy I can get!

The meme du jour

It looked like a fun one, and you don't know most of these things about me. I swiped this one from Gregory's new blog, Please Check All That Apply.

1. What is in the back seat of your car (truck) right now? A whole hell of a lot of junk. Old rags, empty plastic grocery bags, a few bottles of motor oil and power steering fluid, very old newspapers, a small whisk broom and dust pan… That’s all I can remember right now. The truck is currently at the shop, so I can’t go check just now.

2. When was the last time you threw up? I had a nasty stomach bug sometime in the spring last year. That would ha’ been the one.

3. What’s your favorite curse word? SHIT!

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today? MaryAlice (Sorted Lives), Superman, Mama

5. What were you doing at 8 a.m. this morning? Driving my school bus, leaving the final school on the morning route and heading back to the bus lot. I had been awake for 3.5 hours by then.

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Picking up my son Twitch from his Boy Scout meeting.

7. Where were you born? Daytona Beach, FL

8. Have you ever been to a strip club? Nope

9. What is the last thing you said aloud? “But Ron Paul dropped out of the race.”

10. What is the best ice cream flavor? Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie™ and Chunky Monkey®. And here’s the recipe for the combo: Remove frozen ice cream from each of the two pint cartons. Cut each in half top to bottom with a very sharp wet knife. Put one half of the Chunky Monkey® and one half of the Chocolate Fudge Brownie™ together and fit it back into one of the cartons. Pair the other halves likewise and put them in the other carton. Return to freezer until they firm up again, or as long as you can stand it. Remove from freezer, eat directly from the carton, taking a bit of both flavors onto your spoon and into your mouth. Be prepared for the Elysian Fields.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Water, after I brushed my teeth.

12. What are you wearing right now? A really ugly night gown I made for myself with some funky natural cotton fabric I got on sale somewhere years ago. It’s ugly but comfy. Function over form.

13. What was the last thing you ate? A small cube of Colby cheese, some saltine crackers, and a glob of the chicken curry glop that Superman made for supper tonight. (Canned chicken, cream of celery soup, spoonful of sour cream, half a soup-can of milk, generous sprinkling of curry powder, very generous sprinkling of paprika.)

14. Have you bought any new clothes this week? Eeewwww! NO! I had to do that last week and it ‘bout did me in. Yuck.

15. Where were you last? In the bathroom brushing my teeth.

16. What's the last sporting event you watched? Who won? On TV- MLB baseball, forget what team, forget who won. Live- Atlanta Braves home game in Turner Field, Braves didn’t win (forget who they were playing).

17. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message while blogging? MaryAlice (Sorted Lives)

18. Where do you live? Greenwood, South Carolina

19. What song are you listening to? Not. But dancing around in my head is the song “Nobody Understands Me” from Sandra Boynton’s opus Philadelphia Chickens.

20. Do you tan? A little bit. My left arm is more tan than my right arm. Occupational hazard.

21. Do you drink your soda from a straw? Uh, no.

22. What did your last text message say? I forget. I just cleared out all my old messages from the phone this afternoon. Haven't sent or received a text in 2-3 days.

23. Who's your best friend? Superman, hands down!

24. What are you doing tomorrow? Driving the bus, then going to the doctor for a re-check on my blood pressure situation. Then back to work. Then home, then blogging if I get to do what I want.

25. Where is your mom right now? Somewhere in the greater Orlando area, probably at home, but she might be gallivanting about. She's a spry old bird, my Mama.

26. Look to your right, what do you see? Superman!
He's reading a book.

27. What do you think of when you think of where you live? Hick town, backwards, uber-conservative, homophobic, not much intelligent life, too hot, too humid

28. Ever ridden on a roller coaster? Used to. Used to love them, now I get too dizzy when I try to ride one. Never liked the high roller coasters. I was more interested in the ones that had lots of twists and turns and ups and downs.

29. What is your birthstone? Garnet

30. Do you go in at a fast-food place or just hit the drive through? It varies. Depends on how much time I have. I like Sonic, which is a drive in, so there isn't an "inside," but you don't drive through either. I park the truck and order my chocolate malted and sit in my truck enjoying the peacefulness and chocolate maltiness of the day.

31. What is your favorite number? 702, but only if it is painted with white paint on a black background. Very pretty, I assure you.

32. Do you have a dog? Yes, an old hybrid named Ruby. She's half Boston terrier and half Miniature Pincer. 13 years old, heartworms, skin problems, and smells like an old dog, no matter how often we bathe her. But she's a sweetie.

33. Last person you talked to on the phone? A little girl named Katelynn, a friend of Diva's, who is by turns adorable and annoying. Tonight she was annoying.

34. Have you met anyone famous? Not that I recall

35. Any plans today? It's pretty late, and I plan to go to sleep as soon as I get this finished.

36. How many states have you lived in? 4: Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina. I want to go to Virginia next!

37. Ever go to college? Yup, Mercer University, Macon, GA. I have a bachelor's degree in Sociology from that esteemed (HA!) institution. But I am even more proud of the diploma I received from Georgia Tech, where Superman FINALLY graduated. We were married by the time he graduated, and for wives of graduates the college used to offer a diploma signifying the degree of Mistress of Patience in Husband Engineering. I worked a hell of a lot harder for that one than I did for the Sociology degree. And the degree from Mercer was Magna cum Laude.

38. Where are you right now? Sitting on my bed, in my "nest."

39. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? My children, particularly Diva and Sproing. They seem to plot more creative ways to get in trouble every day.

40. Are you struggling to forgive someone right now? Not that I can think of. I don't hold grudges anymore. It only makes me miserable and does nothing for the party who offended me.

41. Are you allergic to anything? No foods, no meds, but plenty of environmentals. A brief sample: cats, dust mites, grasses ( a bunch of different ones), trees, some weeds (ragweed, for sure). Oh, and exercise.

42. Favorite pair of shoes? A pair of old sneakers, brand And One, slip-ons, men's size 7, used to be white, has a blue stripe down the center from top of foot to the toe. I think I've had them for 5 years or so. This style is no longer made, unfortunately. I wear them almost all the time. They are pug ugly, but I don't care. Function over form; comfort over style.

TMI whenever-I-got-around-to-it

1. Do you have/ever had any dating or sex superstitions? (Wear 'lucky jeans' on first date, always light a vanilla candle, etc.) If so, what are they? No, not that I can remember. Being married for 25 years, the only dates I go on are with my husband, and we can "get lucky" pretty much whenever we want to.
   
2. If you were stranded on the fabled deserted island and a genie appeared who could only grant you one wish — to bring one of the following people to join you, who would it be? Your spouse/significant other, an unrequited love or some person you've had a crush on, an old/past love, or your best friend? My spouse, without hesitation. He's the one I want to spend time with more than anyone else. Sometimes I wish we were stuck on an almost deserted island by ourselves just to get away from the stress in our lives. I say almost deserted, because I'd want regular delivery of fresh food and water (if it were a dry island). Oh, and rum, of course. We could order from a menu of delicious fresh foods, prepared to our specifications. Really, we'd need to be able to order whatever we needed. I'm thinking a nice grilling system would be good. This is a nifty idea for a fantasy. I could spend a while coming up with what all sorts of things I'd like to have available on our lone little island.
   
3. Tell us "weather or not" you're in the mood — how does rain, snow, sleet, scorching heat, sweltering humidity etc. affect your libido.
   
   Scorching heat, sweltering humidity- I'd be suffering celibacy. I cannot get that close to another hot sweaty body when I am hot or sweaty (unless I got hot and sweaty in the first place by having wild sex). However, I love being intimate in cold weather; warming each other with some close skin-to-skin action. Rainy days are a turn-on. Make slow passionate love for a long time, and then take a nap in each other's arms. Snow, sleet- another good time to twist the sheets. I can be turned on in any weather that isn't too hot. Sometimes I wonder how the peoples of hot tropical regions ever procreate.
   
4. Are you a crying drunk, an angry drunk, an 'I'm drunk, let's screw' sort of a drinker? (And, if you do not drink — which one of those things is the reason?) I am a loving lush, and I like to sing along with whatever song I hear. I tend to get all snuggly and profess my love for whomever I'm with.
   
5. Who turns you on the most & why: the activist, the author, the care-giver/healer (nurse, doctor, masseuse, herbalist, chiropractor etc.), the comedian, the educator (professor, teacher, mentor etc.), the model, the musician, the politician, or the scientist? The educator. But he also needs a good sense of humor. I am incredibly turned on by intellectuals, especially if they are at least a little bit humble about it (not stuck up asshats). Most well educated (or over-educated) people I've met tend to have a really good sense of humor. Why the educator? I love learning, I love knowledge. It excites me in lots of ways. And the more other areas of my soul are excited or inspired, the greater the chance I'm going to want sex, too.
   

***Bonus (as in optional): Looking back, what's the one thing you've done which was supposed to be erotic, but didn't quite work out? Fantasy role play. It just does NOT work for me. I'm all about honesty, being true to the real you. Acting is fine on stage or screen, but not in bed.

For weekly TMI Tuesday questions, click here.

Reporting from Great Britain, where apparently there are lawful ways to kill:

This story caught my eye...

A TEENAGE girl who feared a marriage was being arranged by her parents was killed unlawfully, a coroner said yesterday.

It is tragic that this young lady is dead. However, I couldn't help but give a chuckle at the phrase "killed unlawfully." It makes me wonder how one might perform a lawful killing.

And...

I'm going through my favorite blogs tonight. Haven't had a chance in 2 days to do much of that; not as much as I want anyway. And I'm thinking. My brain is firing all sorts of random ideas in every direction. So I'm going to share some of them, because isn't that the reason I have a blog???

I have made/am making so many great friends through the blogs. This excites me. I haven't in a long time had friends with whom I could have deep philosophical discussions. Most of the people in my mundane physical world would be hard pressed to know what these last two sentences mean. I am learning so much, experiencing (virtually) new exciting things, receiving amazing support through my struggles with life, and being able to support and encourage others, which satisfies a deep inner need of mine.

Most of my blogging buddies are men. Gay men, which is the most fabulous variety there is! And I say to Superman "I am madly in love with (insert your name here)." The wonderful thing about that is he's OK with that! In his mind, you are my version of girlfriends. It is perfect for me, because I can have men friends and Superman isn't jealous.

Health update

I have a headache today. Been nagging at me since about 9 this morning. Took Tylenol at 11, but haven't had a chance to take anything since then, and it has gotten worse. So I just took more Tylenol. But all that reminded me that I haven't reported on my dizziness. So I will.
I'm not so dizzy anymore. Saw the doctor, he reduced my blood pressure med dose by half, and that evidently did it. The dizzies were caused by sudden drops in blood pressure. I go for a recheck next Tuesday.
I took a 10 day course of penicillin and that seems to have knocked out the head/chest cold. I needed to use my asthma inhaler for a few more days, just once or twice a day, but I haven't needed that most of this week. So except for this annoying headache, I'm much better. And the headache is just one of those things, it'll go away tonight or tomorrow and I'll be great. Just in case you were wondering.

Resisting Fun Part 3

or Java can be a real bitch to deal with

Phobia I have known some people and heard stories of others who have debilitating phobias. Mine aren't that bad. I have a fear of heights, but it isn't too bad. I just don't get too close to the edge of a precipice. That just makes sense. Bridges make me uncomfortable, but I manage them pretty well when I need to.

But let's talk about agoraphobia. Crowded places, lots of people milling around. Ick, shudder, swoon. Big wide open public places full of strangers doing strange things. Ugh. Well, it isn't completely debilitating (usually) and I have acclimated myself to Wal-Mart, (Talk about your big wide public crowded strange-people places!) so maybe there is hope for me.

And I have a plan, sort of. Usually in large crowded places there are some more intimate closer spots. If I am with people who are comfortable to me within that group, that helps a lot. I can often manage to act sane for a short while. I'm telling myself that the ship and my family will accommodate these coping strategies.

I can be thankful, however, that I do not suffer Lutraphobia. The gods be praised! (How do they come up with this stuff?)

Coming Home
How does that saying go? You can never go home. OK, it has some figurative meaning as well as literal meaning. I'm talking more about the literal coming back home, but in an emotional sense. My life is stressful for many reasons, and I'll resist listing them. I'm sure I'd miss something anyway. Mama's whole purpose in inviting me on this cruise was to give me time to relax and attempt to de-stress. I've been away for R&R before (not on this grand a scale!) and I enjoy being away and having new experiences. But the different perspective I get on vacation isn't conducive to jumping back into the crucible. I come home and see just how hard my life is. The reason I can function in my life is that I put my blinders on, lower my head, and shove through the mess (both literal and figurative). When I'm away on vacation it is easy to relax and forget the strife. And I suppose that's the whole point. But it is the tension within me that allows me to accomplish what I do in my day to day world. I come home all relaxed to this swirling miasma and freak the hell out! And I feel worse upon the return than I did before I left. So in a sense I'd rather not go.

I do not have a plan to combat this monster.

The Round-up I've been working on my attitudes, feelings, thoughts, fears about this whole vacation thing. I generally feel much better about it than I did a week ago. And I thank all of you who have been so helpful and encouraging. A few of the fears I've written about I no longer really fear too much. I've talked to Mama about a few of my worries and she's helped me understand what to expect in some areas. She's got a good attitude about the whole thing. I don't know if she's aware of how nervous I am about the whole deal. But I think we'll work things out and everything will be fine.

And I'm actually really looking forward to going now. Still nervous about a few things, but now I really do want to go. I'm getting excited! And I'm excited that I can now get excited. Aren't you proud of me?

A cautionary tale about snacking and blogging

I make a really good ginger snap cookie. It's a recipe I got from Mama, which is ironic because Mama never made them. I have no idea where she got the recipe from, but my copy of it is on a 4x6 card in her handwriting. Thankfully that is not my only copy, because that one is in sad shape; faded almost beyond reading, stained, creased. If you want I'll post the recipe.

But I didn't come here to talk about cookies exactly. It's my blog, so I'll talk about me! Me eating cookies. On Monday morning after I got home from my morning route I got in my nest and started blogging. I'd made some fresh coffee and wanted a few cookies to go with it. A heavenly combination, btw, coffee and ginger snaps. Have you ever sat down in front of a good TV show with a bag of chips, popcorn, or box of cookies? One is likely to concentrate more on the screen than on what or how much one is eating. Hmm. Yup, I'm like that when I'm on the computer. I considered getting just a few cookies out, putting them on a plate, and restricting myself that way. Didn't happen. I put the container right beside me and picked them up, one by one, dunked them in coffee, and devoured the delicious spicy crispy goodness. No one can eat just one! No, I didn't eat all of them, but I ate way way more than I should have.

With that in mind, and only a few cookies left, yesterday I decided to snack wiser. I'm usually hungry when I'm done with work for the morning so I wanted something to eat. I got a cup of Gatorade and dug out my box of prunes. I like prunes. They're like big juicy extravagant raisins. And after eating so many cookies the day before I was feeling the need for the services typically associated with prunes. So there I am, bloggety blog, snickety snack. Paying about as much attention to how many prunes I ate as I had the day before with cookies. I finished the box; probably 1 to 1.5 cups of prunes. I was sure to drink plenty of fluid, having previously made the mistake of eating prunes without sufficient hydration. Bloggety blog... Oh, it's time to go! I emptied my bladder (it's a long bus route) and tootled off to work.

Do you know how fast prunes work on a body's digestive system? I suppose it varies, person to person, situation to situation. Last time I snacked on prunes I don't remember them working so quickly. It's a long bus route. Things were touch and go and ouch for a little while there, but I made it home alright. I was very glad to get home. I feel much better now, thank you.

Rambling thoughts

My New Years prediction came true. I bought new underwear! I started shopping for the trip. There seems to be no where in Greenwood, SC to buy sunscreen in January. I'll be in Florida early enough before the cruise to get some, though. I got a new can of deodorant, some Chapstick SPF 15, and dental floss, and disposable razors. That stuff was easy-peasy. Then I went to the women's wear department. That was stressful. I got a brown skirt that I like, a blouse to match that it turns out I don't like (I'll take it back) and another shirt, a navy blue sleeveless knit thing with a nautical look. I know, so cliché, but it was on sale for $5. The perfect thing to complete the cliché would be a red skirt or trousers, but I hate to wear red and I don't want to be that cliché. So what else besides white looks good with navy? I don't wear white if I can help it. Refer to the earlier post when I referenced Pig Pen.

And honestly, it really was difficult to shop for clothes. I was talking to myself, mumbling at the racks of clothes. I felt very nervous and uncomfortable. (So, possibly, did anyone else around me!) I was a little bit jumpy. I didn't stay long. And I didn't try anything on, either; I just grabbed the sizes I thought would work. That's one of the reasons I need to return that blouse. It's a bit too tight around the tummy.

I made supper tonight. More often than not Superman does it. But I had a taste for the Spanish rice dish my mother used to make when I was a kid. It's ground beef, tomato sauce, chopped onion (and green pepper, but I always leave that out 'cause green pepper and I don't agree with each other.), rice, and some spices. Add enough water, bring to boil, reduce heat, cover, let cook half an hour. Top with shredded cheese.

But I wanted to try something different. I didn't want to use meat, but the idea of following the recipe and just leaving out the meat seemed, I don't know, wrong. S took Superman and me out the other night for sushi, and we had this fried tofu thing that was pretty good. I thought maybe tofu might make a good substitute for the meat in the Spanish rice dish. Twitch thought I had completely lost my mind. I don't pay much attention to him.

So we (Twitch and I) went to the grocery. I got some tofu, silken or soft or whatever they call it. I also got some green onions and a can of tomato sauce. We got home, brought in all the stuff, and I started making dinner. Wait a minute, where is my tofu? And the green onions? TWITCH!! I thought you said you brought in all the groceries. He says "Darn!" and goes back out to the truck to bring in the bag of tofu and onions. Superman laughed at him. Oy.

Here's what I ended up doing with the dish: 1 carton of soft tofu (1 lb? I didn't look), chopped green onions, chopped celery, and I chopped up the limp sad-looking romain lettuce that I'd forgotten about in the 'fridge. I put a little olive oil in the skillet and cooked the veggies briefly, with the tofu that I squished up. The tofu was the consistency of cottage cheese, more or less. Then I added 1 can (15 oz?) of tomato sauce (although I'd rather use pureed tomatoes, but I didn't think of that until we were home) and one can of diced tomatoes. Added 2 cups of jasmine rice and 3 cups of water. Oh, and I put some ground mustard and a little salt in it, too. Boil, reduce heat, cover, cook half an hour or so until the rice is tender. Serve with shredded cheddar cheese. It was really good! Much more interesting than anything Mama ever did with it. But then Mama is not a good cook. At all. Next time I do this I'll see what other sort of vegetable thing I can put in there. Mushrooms suggest themselves. I'll also put in some herbs, maybe a little more spice. As I was eating it I thought rosemary would be good in it. Maybe bay leaf, too. I'll grab what I see and dump it in. I was very impressed with it. The tofu blended in and except for the little curd looking bits was otherwise unnoticeable. Diva and Sproing had suspicions about the tofu but ate it anyway. Sproing separated out each bit of green vegetable matter and asked what each thing was before deciding to eat it. He was especially suspicious of the lettuce. He was worried it might be spinach. (That'd be good, too.) I have been known to slip some spinach into his food, so he suspicions me.

The weather is doing weird things again. The high today was 70F. I sweated again, dammit. And I didn't even do the walking. I sweated just sitting on the bus, driving around with the sun blinding me and burning my left arm. Tomorrow's high is predicted to be in the low 70s. At least it's 70s and not 80 or 90. This is me, looking on the bright side. J

Oh, look! It got late again. I have such fun here the time just flies by. I'm going to start shutting down now. Goodnight.

Re: the post

Because there has been some concern among the masses, let me just say this about that.

I don't tell those closest to me (Light, Superman, Twitch, etc.) how often death is on my mind. I don't want you to panic. But just because I'm thinking about it doesn't mean I'm considering it. On those days that you see me and I am cheerful and semi-productive, I'm often thinking about death. My thoughts are along the lines of "Don't' wanna die today." You know how when gays come out and people freak because OMG they've changed? No, they haven't changed. They've always been gay. They're the same wonderful people you have loved for years. You just didn't know until now that they're gay.

Well, it's like that with me. I'm still me! I'm the same crazy wacked out gal I've always been. What you haven't realized is that thoughts of death have always been a part of my thought process. There are times when the suicide monster stalks closer. That's a red flag for me to talk to someone, to get help. And I've done that. I'm better at seeking help now than I used to be, thanks in very large part to C. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Update: Gad, y'all, don't panic! Yes, I have a tag labeled suicide. I've had suicidal tendencies for 30 years. Thirty years! That's 2/3rds of my life. 66%. I live with it. (Cue laughter) If you want to worry, go back 3-5 years and worry about me then. I'm much better now. And I am (rather heavily) medicated, I am under the care of a psychiatrist (MD, licensed) and am in therapy with a wonderful counselor with whom I relate very well. I've learned to get help early, when the thoughts of contemplation first enter my mind. I've got a good support network, and am trying to improve it. I think I have. Gosh, read the comments. Thank you, all of you, who have responded with such concern and kindness. That's why I keep coming back here!

Hodge-podge

It amazes me that, though I will be 46 in a couple of weeks, I don't know who I am. Of course I change as I grow as I age. I think this is healthy. I began a major reassessment of my beliefs and priorities just two years ago. I'm still working through that process, and I am not as comfortable with who I am now as I felt I was 3 years ago. Three years ago I had it all together. (I didn't, of course, and knew then that I didn't.) A year later the Magic 8 Ball that is my life got a good shake, so I'm farther behind than I was. I'm very happy with the new direction, but man oh man do I have a long way to go!

I exercised today. Superman and I took the young'uns to the park. The kids played on the playground while we walked the path/track. The path is paved asphalt and goes around the park. I didn't want to walk the whole way around today. I'm trying to begin slowly so I don't over exert myself or get too frustrated. We went about half way 'round then cut between the baseball fields back to the playground. I estimate it was approximately one mile. I had to stop to rest once, but not for long. When we finished I felt pretty good about myself. I think this is healthy.
However, I did begin to sweat. I do not like to sweat. I fear I will have to embrace the sweat if this exercise-for-health-and-weight-control effort is to succeed. Shit.

Resisting Fun Part 2

or Java has issues

Emotional Comfort Zone I am scared. I'm afraid to be in that resort atmosphere because I don't fit in. I'm vulnerable. Can't we just go camping? I'm a complex simple girl. If I don't have to inconvenience myself, sacrifice creature comforts, deny myself some pleasure, then I haven't earned and don't deserve luxury. I've been operating in this mode so long that the means have become the end. I don't want the luxury, I just want the punishment. I think this is not healthy. I can tell I'm close to the mark with this one because it's making me cry. Just a little bit.

Attire I typically dress for comfort. Function over form. I'm also a bit of a mess. Remember Pig Pen from the Peanuts comic strip? I'm not that extreme, but the analogy fits. It doesn't work for me to dress nicely. I get my clothes dirty, damage delicate fabrics, and feel uncomfortable. I don't look right, either. Some of that has to do with my size. But "fancy" doesn't suit me. Mostly I wear t-shirts and either jeans or loose skirts. My favorite t-shirts are from the men's department. I especially like the ones with the breast pocket. All in dark colors, of course, because it hides stains better. Does that sound like "resort wear?" Nah, I didn't think so either.

That's about all I have to wear though. I am not prepared to attend a wedding or a funeral or go on a cruise. We need to go shopping. I don't like to shop for clothes. Obviously this isn't about what I like, so just get over it, Java. I have no clue how to dress myself. What styles are more flattering to this whale of a body? What colors work together? What the hell does "smart casual" mean? That's the attire the cruise line suggests for many of the places and activities. And where is the money for this new wardrobe? Actually I'm not too worried about the money. I have a little bit set aside for the trip that I'll use for clothing, and I don't plan to buy very much.

I've asked C and S to accompany me to the store to assist with wardrobe selection. They're the best resource I have. My therapist recommended a store that has a good plus size selection and low prices. That takes care of my worries about getting the proper clothes. I just need to wear them and not get them dirty. Oy. I hope I can talk Mama into letting me skip the formal dinners. That's asking too much from me this time.

Companionship I don't spend all my time completely alone, contrary to what I may have indicated. I am fond of casual conversation with one or two people, even small groups of them on a good day! Here's the thing; I generally prefer the company of men. No offense, gals. I don't do that "girl" thing very well and often don't have much to discuss with other women. There are of course exceptions. Genuine honest folks are easy to be with no matter the gender. They are also rare. There are times when I need to be with men. Just to be, without incrimination.

And there are many men ("guys," unlike most of you who are male people) who are just obnoxious and not nice to be around. I can avoid them. They usually want to avoid me anyway. If I am forced to spend time with my family on this cruise, my uncles are likely to fit this "guy" category, and my aunts and cousin are girls. Mama becomes a girl in the company of these girls. I feel SO out of place. I'll be able to do it for a little while, probably through dinner, though maybe not dessert.

A few weeks ago on Catty Bitch's blog (which he has discontinued L, so no linky link) he had a marvelous definition of the various women who congregate around gay men. Let me see if I can get the gist of it. A fag hag is a woman who desires a romantic relationship with her fag. Not a good thing, I think you will all agree. A fruit fly is a woman who prefers the company of gay men because they are kind, compassionate, sympathetic all around wonderful men, as opposed to the "guys" mentioned in the previous paragraph. There was another category, she who likes gay men for similar reasons but is a pretty damned flamboyant diva herself. I don't remember that one too well because it didn't fit me at all. Catty Bitch said it better, but this is close. According to this definition I am a fruit fly.

I've gotten really comfortable with the gay men I know and have come to depend on regular interaction. When I go away from home for any length of time I miss C and S so much! In a way, I miss them more than I miss Superman. (But not in other ways!) It's getting a little bit better now as they are becoming more independent. I don't see them as often as I used to even when we are all at home.

Most of the guys I interact with now are you bloggers, and I plan to take the laptop and stay in touch. So I'll get my "fix" with you, but it isn't quite the same as being with another human in the flesh. As big as that ship is, as many passengers as will be onboard, I'll probably be able to meet some nice fellows, and probably members of The Family. My therapist said the bartenders will probably be gay! She recommended that I drink a lot. Do you wonder why I see her? I'm tempted to wear a pin or tag of some kind that says "Friend of the Family" with "Family" written in rainbow colors. Don't have a pin like that, but whatever. I'd probably be too shy to wear it anyway.

That's all for now. There is a little bit more I'd like to say in the Resisting Fun series, but it will wait for another post.

End of Year meme at the Beginning of the Year

I just discovered this meme on GayProf's site, so I decided to do it.
1. Will you be looking for a new job? I keep thinking maybe I will, but then I think about how I totally rock at the job I have. It wants to suck the life out of me, but damn I’m good at it.
2. Will you be looking for a new relationship? Romantic relationship-hell no! I’ve worked too long and too hard on this one, and it’s really good. I’m married to Superman, what could be better? However, I will keep trying to make new friends and strengthen the friendships I have.
3. New house? Well, I’d like to, maybe, but this one needs so much work before it is ready to sell that it is very unlikely that we’ll get a new house in ’08.
4. What will you do different in 08? I haven’t found out yet.
5. New Year's resolution? HA! I already abuse myself half to death over unrealized expectations. What I don’t need is something else at which to fail.
6. What will you not be doing in 08? Writing ’07 on my checks
7. Any trips planned? Well, there’s this cruise thing looming like a leviathan, blocking my view of the rest of the year. Although not exactly planned, I would very much like to visit Charlottesville, Virginia sometime this year.
8. Wedding plans? See no. 2 above. None for me, thanks, although it is remotely possible (I hope not) that one of my children may do some wedding thing. None of them is ready for that, especially the 10 year olds, except for the boys. And since last time I checked the U.S. still isn’t allowing gay marriage, I doubt that will happen.
9. Major thing on your calendar? Upcoming cruise is the most obvious.
10. What can’t you wait for? A return to normalcy. Although if it happened, I doubt I’d recognize it.
11. What would you like to see happen differently? I would love to see all the members of this household get along peacefully together and pitch in willingly and without reminders to keep this place from looking like the cesspool it looks like now.
12. What about yourself will you be changing? My underwear.
13. Will you better your relationship with your family? Will they give peace a chance?
14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about? Oh hell, I’m so damned nice already it makes people want to abuse me.
15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 07? I suspect I will get some new underwear this year, though I doubt the style will change.
16. Will you start or quit drinking? Nope.
17. Major lifestyle changes? If my therapist has anything to do with it, I’ll start at least pretending to love myself.
18. Will you do charity work? It is a good idea. I might actually remember to make that call and set up a schedule for me and Diva and Sproing to work at the food bank over the summer. I’ve been meaning to do that for 3 years now.
19. Will you go to bars? Don’t do bars much, and I doubt this year will be much different. Although I enjoy an occasional drink with friends, I find bars to be teeming with obnoxious belligerent drunk people. I don’t care to spend much time around folks exhibiting that behavior.
20. Will you be nice to people you don’t know? Yea, it’s what I do.
21. Do you expect 08 to be a good year for you? Is this a stupid question, or is it just me? I don’t expect much, frankly.
22. How much did you change from this time last year till now? Over the last 12 months I have continued the transformation that began 2 years ago when all of a sudden I realized there is nothing wrong with homosexuals that an understanding and sympathetic society wouldn't cure.
23. Do you plan on having a child? Cue uncontrollable laughter. Don’t you think 6 is enough already? I’m too old for this shit anyway, and wonder what the hell I was thinking having children in the first place.
24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now? Um, how do you define friends? People I get together with over coffee and shoot the breeze? I have no friends. People with whom I share life details, love and loss, depression and hilarity, and a great deal of respect even though I’ve never actually met them in the flesh? You betcha.
25. What happened in 07 that you didn’t think would ever happen?I blog.
26. Will you be moving?Will I want to move? Yes. Will it actually happen? I seriously doubt it.
27. What will you make sure doesn’t happen in 08 that happened in 07? I won’t turn 45.
28. What are your New Year's Eve plans? I stayed home and drank a bottle and a half of champagne, snuggled on the bed with my two youngest children and my husband, and we all watched the ball drop in Times Square on my TV.
29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight? I did, and we had to reach over the fuzzy head of my sleepy little boy to have a kiss.
30. One wish for 08? That I learn how to not be depressed, at least a little bit.

Resisting Fun Part 1

Now that I've survived the holidaze it is time for me to focus on the next adventure. As I mentioned a while ago I am going on a cruise. The departure date is fast approaching. We embark in 3 weeks.

I'm not an ordinary girl. (Yea, we've been waiting for that post for a while.) Most people in this situation would be excited anticipating the fun, adventure, relaxation, recreation of a cruise. Well, not this crazy bitch. I'm anxious, even somewhat reluctant to go. My therapist is amused, I think, never having had to talk someone into going on a vacation before.

I am going with my mother. She invited me because she's worried about me. I've been stressed recently and I guess she's taken pity on me. Whatever. I appreciate the thought. This is a family gathering. Also going are Mama's brother and sister and their spouses, and the sister's youngest daughter (30 something) and her husband. 2 sets of aunts and uncles, one cousin & spouse, and me and Mama.

You remember family, right? Many of you just spent the holidays with family. Sometimes family gatherings are wonderful, but sometimes they are a pain. With my family it's a crap shoot. My uncles, taken individually, are usually tolerable and occasionally fun. When they get together the whole is so much less than the sum of the parts. My aunts are lovely ladies. They both love me very much, and worry about me. One of them in particular is very concerned about my health, both physical and mental. She sees my obesity as a slow suicide. She's not entirely wrong, which of course makes me all the more uncomfortable. So they nag. They mean well, the dears, but it is tedious.

The cousin is a really fun gal, very bubbly and outgoing. I don't know her husband well; they've only been married a little over a year. As vivacious as she is, he's kinda quiet. You know the type of couple; he can't get a word in edgewise. He seems like a nice guy, though. But I'm not that outgoing. I'm more introspective, slow to emerge from my private shell. It's not a good social mix. Although the age difference is 10 or 12 years, it seems bigger. That decade made the difference for the generations or something. She's young. I'm an old fogey. Or maybe it's a personality thing. As Peter Bailey said, "You were born older."

The thing is, I really don't want to hang out with them. I want to be left alone to find the things I want to do, even if that means I do nothing.

Issue #1: the vagaries of family.

Stay tuned for further glimpses into the insanity that is Java.

humor-less

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

My darling Mama sent me one of those funny emails everyone gets occasionally. It was a list of humorous and pithy sayings, many of which I'd seen before. You probably have too. But this was a new one on me. I read it to Superman and he got a good little chuckle.

But to me it wasn't funny. It stood out from the other two dozen quotes because it smacks me in the head in a very personal way. Superman didn't see it that way because his brain doesn't go down the morbid paths mine follows.

To me, this quote is a rallying cry for life. It is a handle to grasp on bad days. It has everything to do with resisting suicidal thoughts. Those thoughts that creep unbidden into my head way too often. My desire to die is an almost constant companion. On good days it goes like this: "I think maybe I'll live today. I'm not ready to die today." On bad days I try to remember that if I do myself in it'll fuck up the people I love for the rest of their lives. I don't stay alive for me. I stay alive for the people who depend on me.

I think this is not healthy.

But here's a good saying to help me hang onto life at those times when I'd rather drop it:

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've
stayed alive.

Adam update

This is lifted in whole from Light's blog. She calls Adam "Le Batard."

I saw Le Batard! he is WALKING, He is HOME (as in his house, not our town),
and apparently he's coming back to school for the Spring term! Full recovery is
still projected at around a year, but he's made an astounding recovery thus far.
I'm so thankful!

Winter comes to South Carolina

No winter-type precipitation at all, but we've got some nice cold temperatures. Currently, at approximately 8:45 a.m. the temperature is 15 F, -9 C. That's some decent cold for this area. We get temps like this maybe 5 to 10 days a year in a good year. It rarely gets much colder, just those extreme times that old folks remember. "Back in the winter of '08 we had us some bitter cold. My water pipes froze up and I couldn't take a shower for a week!" (for example) I know this seems mild to many of you from other colder places. But this is winter for us. It has been a long time coming this year. I hope we get plenty of this.

:::RANT WARNING:::

I was going to type up some thoughts I've had stewing in my brain about gender conforming vs. gender non-conforming modes. But Mr. Sunshine's latest post triggered an avalanche of passion that I decided to share with you instead. You've been warned.

Ya' know what teachers did with kids in the 60s and 70s? Yea, they smacked 'em down, but there really wasn't as much trouble as there is now. Kids were taught better at home. This is no reflection on your parenting at all, trust me. It's a cultural thing. If a noisy handful of kids are getting away with it, it influences others that are not as willing to start shit. They just join shit in progress. Back in the day parents didn't buy into the psychobable of the parenting "experts" like they do today. They knew misbehavior for what it was, and treated it accordingly. And if Kelly did something wrong on 3rd Street, Mrs. Jones saw it, called Kelly's mother at her home on 5th St., and by the time Kelly got home, there was a switch waiting on him/her.

And the kids those days were outside playing, by and large. They ran, they explored, they discovered many interesting things that they had to THINK about, independent of how some other agency told them they should think. Today kids are staring at alphabet-named screens. You know, LED, HDTV, CRT (though not too many look at CRT screens anymore). The television programming, video games, computer games and MySpace type places - these things teach children what to think. They make sure to avoid teaching children HOW to think. School curriculums from day care and nursery school all the way through high school, and beyond in some instances, reinforce what to think and discourage independent thinking. We are (have?)creating a generation of drones.

So these kids are in classrooms, especially the younger ones just learning not to think, and the kids are restless. They have impulses of creativity and originality but no tools to channel these energies in positive directions. The teachers and administrators discourage positive release of this energy. They want the kids to sit down and swallow everything just as it is presented, no questions asked. Since the kids really don't know why they are so restless and unsatisfied, they "act out." The teachers have been trained not to think for themselves, to believe what the textbook authors and educrats tell them, so they are unprepared for your child's original ideas. Have you seen the crap the teaching colleges teach the teachers? It is concentrated bullshit.

So they medicate the problems. You are looking at this huge fortress of misguided mind control called public education, in an evil axis of alliance with The Media, having unrealistic expectations for your unique child. Plus all the other unique children who have yet to learn how not to think. It’s them against you and your child. In their world, you don’t really count. There is wonderful medication that can put the impulses under control, and the medical field is a willing cohort, especially since there is great wealth to be gained. (Healthcare is a rant for another day)
I could go on, but I’ll stop with this. I have thrown in the towel. The three children I have still in public school are all on (mind control) ADD medications. I don’t have the physical or mental stamina to fight it anymore. I do what I can with the kids when they are at home. But it could and should be done differently.