The drain

Sproing and Diva will be home all day tomorrow and for the foreseeable future. Today is the last day of school. I feel as though all the interest and motivation has drained from my life. I do truly despise summer break.

So I'm going to the gymnasium today for an orientation. I've joined a 36 week program (that's a really long time) of exercise and healthy eating that should get me in much better shape (and not so much the round shape) and help me lose some of this extra weight. I told the fella leading it that I want to lose 100 lbs. Now, I don't expect, nor do I desire to lose 100 lbs. in 36 weeks. Lordy, that's way too fast. Perhaps I could lose half of that, somewhere between 40 and 50 lbs in that time. That's also kinda fast, but doable, maybe. Anyway, I'll do orientation later this morning. Then probably tomorrow I'll start with the exercise. Ugh. I'm not looking forward to that part. And I need to get some proper attire. I doubt the skirts are going to be adequate. And I need proper footwear. Some people may be excited about getting all these new clothes and shoes and shit. I am not one of those people. I don't like shopping for clothes or shoes, though I like having a good pair of supportive athletic shoes.

I seem to be over-emotional today. Sproing threatened to skip school today and I broke down crying. Right now I'm on the verge of tears for reasons I don't understand. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's the threat of summer break. Maybe it's the threat of exercise.

For real, people. I fear exercise. It's like I was bitten by a gymnasium as a child or something. I get anxious and panicky when I go into a gym or onto a playing field. And I cry easily. I hate this. I look like a fat wimp. But part of me wants to do this. Really, I want the results and the only way to do that is to go through the discomfort, both mental and physical.

I have an idea. I'll make a paperclip chain, one clip for every day until the first day of school. And at the end of each day I'll take off one clip, and the chain will grow shorter and shorter. This works for me; I've done it before for other things. At first the chain seems interminably long, but all of a sudden, one day it looks shorter.

My brain is desperately searching for something to make it feel better. This is where we must avoid dangerous traps, because the simple brain wants to numb the pain. It's 8 a.m., let's have a beer! No, not gonna do that. The rest of that big bag of M&Ms. Also not a good idea. A cigarette! That'll be great! No, a particularly bad idea, and I don't smoke anyway. Dude, time to get baked. Nope, not going there. Don't have a source for that shit and I don't want to do it while it's illegal anyway, if at all. So here I am, pounding away on the blog. I think it helps.

I just received a call from the school. Diva needs to be picked up at 10:30 because she doesn't have a 6th period. As part of her shortened school day she dropped her 6th period class, and the last class of today coincides with the 6th period. So she has half a half day today. My stomach queeses. My last free day, last day free of them before summer break is now only two hours long. Well, three hours from the time they leave for school. Ugh. I'm not having a good day. Yesterday was a terrific day. Today, not so much.

Though I did get my sewing machine back. And for only $25 it got repaired, cleaned, and oiled. I am halfway through making a posh frock for myself. A dress made of linen. I probably won't work on it today, as it requires concentration and I'm all messed up.

OK, I'll put this on the blog then go make my paperclip chain. ttyl

My, my, it's been a while hasn't it?

Ur-spo recently asked for another post from me. I've been meaning to write stuff here for a while, but since it's been so long, it's hard to know where to start, what to pick up, what to leave off.

So I'll tell you what's on my mind right now. Well, some of what's on my mind. As has been demonstrated many times before (see the whole damned archives for my rambling nonsense) there are lots of things that crowd my mind all at once. I'll tell you some of the wisdom I have gathered in the last few months.

I seem to be getting my shit together somewhat. It all stems, I propose, from flossing my teeth regularly. Have I mentioned this yet? My New Year's Resolution for 2012 was to floss my teeth regularly. Of course I've made many a lofty resolution in years past and never fulfilled squat. A couple of weeks into the new year I had my semi-annual teeth cleaning, and at that point decided that I could floss my teeth regularly. It's a small thing, very small, and something I can probably keep doing. And I have. All this year I've almost never failed to floss before I brush my teeth at bedtime.

This has led to other changes in my personal lifestyle (or I credit the flossing since I don't know what else it could be). Sometime (I think) late in the summer (though I can't recall exactly) it slowly dawned on me that I don't really need all that food I've been eating. For many years (my entire adult life) I have been something of a compulsive overeater. If one cookie is good, twelve are better. If I want it, I eat it, and not in small quantity either. My size, my weight, attest to this fact. As I've said for years, I'm twice the woman I should be. But now, if I lost half my current weight I'd be a bit too small. Yes, I have lost weight! Over 30 lbs! I'm eating healthier and eating less. I don't need all that extra food to make me happy (or whatever my silly brain has been trying to compensate for).

The next step (one of them) is more stepping. The "trick" to weight loss is to eat less and move more. I have yet to psych myself up to exercise, but I'm thinking about it. Actually, I am moving a bit more. Weighing less has given me more energy. I can walk more easily. I occasionally park farther out in parking lots to walk extra. Oh, I'll tell you a tiny story. Last week I made a major grocery excursion; bought $300 worth of fairly cheap stuff at Wal-Mart. Took two carts to haul it all out to the truck. C was home to help me carry it all in from the truck, but I could have done it if I'd had to. And I put it all away. A few months ago I didn't have the stamina to stay in the store that long, much less haul stuff to the car, unload it, and put it away. Now I'll tell you, I was bushed afterward. Rested a while. Then I got up and did more stuff.

Thanksgiving I cooked almost the entire dinner (lots of stuff) by myself. Superman and Light have cooked most of Thanksgiving dinner in recent years. Light is now in Pennsylvania and hasn't been here for Thanksgiving for two years. Superman tore the medial gastrocnemius in his right calf the day before Thanksgiving and was practically no help with cooking. He chopped some veggies. Diva helped with a couple of things, but that was work for me, too, because I gave guidance. Dinner turned out great. That felt good!

I decided a month or two ago to do a lot more cooking. For one thing, I've cut out most meat. Still do poultry sometimes though I'm trying to cut that out, too. Still do seafood and have no qualms about that. We've had a lot of vegetarian meals over the past few weeks. I searched through some of my recipe collections for stuff that either is or can be meat free. I've been planning weekly meals!!  This is unheard of. Haven't been this gung-ho domestic since our early marriage. Tonight we had awesome mac-n-cheese with mushrooms, onions, and carrots chopped up fine in it. Four kinds of cheese, small shell pasta (my favorite). Awesome.

I've had a turkey in the freezer for probably over a year, and didn't use it at Thanksgiving, so Sproing convinced me to pull it out and cook it. That's dinner for tomorrow. It won't be the full T'giving spread, but I'll have a lot of the same stuff. No dressing, no green bean casserole this time. Sweet potatoes, definitely. Found a low fat recipe for sweet potato casserole that is, if anything, better than the rich delicious one my mother-in-law taught me.

Part of the impetus for all this domesticity is financial concerns. Our expenses are rising and income isn't. I'm sort of supposed to be getting a job now, you know, to pay off my student loans and shit. That was the agreement when I went back to school. Except I keep needing to be at home to take care of stuff. For example, Superman can't drive at all until after he sees the orthopedist in January, if then. He's got a big boot (walking boot they call it) that he might be able to stop using in 6 weeks. So I'm his chauffeur. The kids always need to be taken to various psycho-medical appointments. Diva got herself suspended for two days (tomorrow (Tues) and Wednesday) and I need to be here to manage her time. We do not want her to enjoy being suspended! Even if tomorrow is her birthday. But she is a whole other blog post I don't want to write right now. The point is that I am trying to do stuff at home that saves us money.

OH, and speaking of, I started making bread again. I used to make all our bread many years ago (before Twitch was born, I think. He's 21, almost 22). I use a starter called Herman. (I don't know why "Herman"). Here is the bread recipe. Have made it twice so far. The first time Sproing ate almost a whole loaf by himself. Yesterday I divided the starter into two containers so I can make a couple of loaves every two or three days. With all the hungry people in this house we need at least that much. I really like making bread. I had forgotten how much I enjoy it. And now I have the energy to do it!

That's about all I can think to share tonight. I endeavor to get back here before too long to ramble on about other things, like Diva and Sproing and their shenanigans. And Twitch graduates with a bachelor's degree in Graphic Design in less than two weeks. What's he gonna do next? So far he has no job lined up. My Mama just got out of the hospital today after suffering with a nasty urinary tract infection that had her fever up to 103+ for days. My dad goes in to the hospital for a heart valve replacement in less than two weeks. He told me he's getting a valve from an Arkansas Razorback Hog.
 
He's been a Florida Gator fan most of his life, and I told him he's gonna be compelled to root for Arkansas now. He's a trip.

Is there any past drama that you'd like me to update? Any questions I've left hanging that you'd like answers to? Just ask. I'll do my best to provide answers in a follow-up blog post. Soon, even!

Spring Break '09, day 1

It has been a lovely day. I've done a lot of nuthin'. Yesterday afternoon after classes Superman and I came home and had some "lunch." Then I took yet another nap. I have read two books since yesterday afternoon. They're just little romance novels, nothing deep. However, I started Virginia Woolf's A Room of One's Own last night. That is much more substantial than formula romance novels.

I recently purchased a few books from Amazon. Don't you just love Amazon.com? I'm going to get through Virginia Woolf here in the next day or so, perhaps this evening if I feel motivated. Next on my list is Sex as God Intended by John J. McNeill. He's a former Jesuit who has spent the last 30+ years teaching and writing about God's love for gays and lesbians (per the book cover). As for sex, he's for it as far as I can tell from reading the cover. We shall see. Updates as the situation warrants. 

And can you believe I've never read Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique? I know! That's another new one I bought. It's on my list for this week. 

I discovered a new musical artist today. Y'all are going to roll your eyes and say "Where have you been for years, Java?" Well, I've been under a rock, mostly. I don't get out much. I have told you this. Superman played Coldplay's Viva la Vida for me this morning. He was out shopping this afternoon and picked up the CD album. I'm listening to it now. Wow. Here, check this out: 

Lyrics | Coldplay lyrics - Viva La Vida lyrics

Cool, huh? 

It was tempting to stay in all day. The weather has been deliciously rainy since late yesterday morning. I've spent most of the day in my little nest on the bed clothed in my flannel nightgown. But I've been walking around a lot recently, what with going to school and all, and I've built up some stamina for that walking thing. I'd hate to blow it this week by sitting on my fat ass doing absolutely nothing. So Superman and I went on a nice long (for me) walk this evening. The rain had stopped but there was still water dripping from the trees. The sky was gray with clouds and dusk-ishness. We had a loverly time! I feel pretty good about the whole thing. Virtuous, even. It might not seem like much to you, but it's pretty big to me. 

That's about all for now. I hope to soon post a picture-rich exposé of my sweet little kitten. You remember the one. She's not quite so little anymore. I know you're all dying to know what we call her now, "Scheherazade" being quite the mouthful for everyday use. I'll tell ya' later. ;) 

Hodge-podge

It amazes me that, though I will be 46 in a couple of weeks, I don't know who I am. Of course I change as I grow as I age. I think this is healthy. I began a major reassessment of my beliefs and priorities just two years ago. I'm still working through that process, and I am not as comfortable with who I am now as I felt I was 3 years ago. Three years ago I had it all together. (I didn't, of course, and knew then that I didn't.) A year later the Magic 8 Ball that is my life got a good shake, so I'm farther behind than I was. I'm very happy with the new direction, but man oh man do I have a long way to go!

I exercised today. Superman and I took the young'uns to the park. The kids played on the playground while we walked the path/track. The path is paved asphalt and goes around the park. I didn't want to walk the whole way around today. I'm trying to begin slowly so I don't over exert myself or get too frustrated. We went about half way 'round then cut between the baseball fields back to the playground. I estimate it was approximately one mile. I had to stop to rest once, but not for long. When we finished I felt pretty good about myself. I think this is healthy.
However, I did begin to sweat. I do not like to sweat. I fear I will have to embrace the sweat if this exercise-for-health-and-weight-control effort is to succeed. Shit.