Hello, all!  This is Java's Significant Other For The Last Three Decades.  I kept talking and kept talking and KEPT talking about how awesome the weekend was, so Java suggested I write a guest post.  Cool of her.

Okay, first?  THANK YOU ALL for ... well, for just being flippin' amazing people.  I had never met any of you before.  Wouldn't have been able to pick anyone out of a lineup if my life hung on the outcome.  And yet, almost simultaneously with each meeting, each additional blogger, I felt ... welcome.  Almost as if I'd stepped into the home of an old friend.  You were the easiest bunch of folks to talk to (for the first time ever) that I'd met since attending AnthroCon in Philly in 2001 and meeting all the other writers who hung out on Planetfurry.  But, hell, if anything I felt even MORE at ease - more accepted - than then.  (That might be due to changes on my end, the last decade being what it was for us.)

We had the best time, the craziest fun, and the most relaxing few days in either one's memory.  My greatest regret is that the Bloggerpalooza only lasted two days (four would have been better).  I never did get to play any of the games that different ones of you brought, which is a terrible, terrible thing (I'm a hardcore gamer, and Java, shall we say, is NOT).  Of course that was because we were realizing so much entertainment just from sitting around and jawing with each other.

I mean it.  Damn.  You guys are gold.

We came away feeling more refreshed, more relaxed, more ... complete?  Fulfilled?  Sane?  Hell, all of the above.  More than we'd felt in a really long time.  We didn't want to leave.

Then, of course, Monday morning Java got some truly horrible news, and we hadn't even made it back to Greenwood.  So we drove nine hours that day, basically bounced off the house, and drove nine hours south the next day to be with her family in Gainesville.  It's still hard to think of Tom as "dead".  He simply wasn't supposed to die.  Not yet.  But surgery carries no guarantees, and this was one possible outcome, though a very, very rare one.

The family is coping.  Java and her brothers and uncle are helping clear things up and set them in order.  It's not easy.  But they are a hardy clan.  Still, there is a LOT to do.  She'll be back down here in three weeks or so for Tom's Life Celebration (no religion-based 'memorial service' for him ... he'd come back and haunt us if we tried that crap) and I'll be the one staying with Diva and Sproing while Twitch and Light tag along with Java.  Twitch has, believe me, had his FILL of looking after them.

One little side note:  I keep pretty regular hours at the gym.  I have to.  I was gifted with a ruptured lumbar disk in a car wreck a decade ago, and if I don't keep my core tight, I start to lose function in my left leg.  Discovered that the hard way when the therapist said I could start working out or I could get used to a wheelchair.  When stated in those terms, it doesn't so much present as a choice.  Anyway, I don't like to skip too many days in a row, so I looked up and found a local gym, and yesterday around 11:00 I walked over there.  It was about three miles and the weather could NOT have been more perfect.  When I got there, they told me a day pass was ten bucks, so I let the nice man swipe my card and I trundled on in.

Well, damn.  Looks like the local chapter of the Insanely Hot Body-Builders Association is having a work day.  Seriously.  Now, being, as I am, straight enough to use as a drafting tool, what runs through my head when I see these guys is, "Man, I wish I looked like that!  I wish I had the TIME to WORK hard enough to look like that!"  I'd say most of them were in their twenties.  There were a few older men, but I didn't see anyone I thought might be older than I am.  But, to a man, they were ripped, chiseled hardbodies, typically in tight shorts and tighter shirts.  And the majority of them were at least decent-looking.  So, following quickly upon my initial observation and muscle-envy was the thought that if the group I'd spent last weekend with were here, they'd each have to be issued a mop and a bucket just to keep up with their own drool.  (I'm going back tomorrow morning and if the Muscle Crew is still there, I'll try to take some pictures.)

Oh, yes, there were also some ladies that came in somewhat later.  The feminine version of the guys, in that they all looked like bikini models.  I'm also pretty sure any one of them could have taken me in a fight.  One of them, this petite little blond in a flower-print leotard that left damn little to the imagination, was benching 200 pounds.  She was there with her boyfriend (I assume) who I later observed doing lat pulldowns with 400 pounds.  A lot of lat pulldowns.

It was freakin' intimidating.

ANYWAY, thank you all again for a fantabulous weekend!  And thanks especially to those of you who talked me into joining you in that silly photo session.  I have hardly EVER liked the way I look in pictures, not being at all photogenic (to which Java will say, "But it looks just like you!" to which I respond, "That's my point, dear.") but that was just a ton of fun, and no mistake.

Still get the odd warm-fuzzy wafting across my brain when I think about it.

Cheers!
Concolor

He is still dead

I wake up every morning this week and dammit, my Daddy is still dead. He will still be dead next week, too, I realize. It's sinking in. I don't like it.

I'm sleeping but not getting much rest. It's 9:15 and I am more tired than I was before I went to bed last night. Got to sleep maybe 12:30 and woke up in the predawn sometime. There isn't a clock in the bedroom. I've showered, dressed, eaten, and am about to get my third cup o' java.

Oh, look, now it's 12:08 on a Thursday afternoon. I keep getting pulled away from what I'm doing. My project yesterday was to write Daddy's obituary. Took all fucking day to write what should have been finished in half an hour because other things interrupted. He had his own obituary written out already so I just tweaked it a tiny bit, cleaned it up, edited for spelling and clarity. I submitted it by email to the local paper this morning. They want $198 to print it, or $261 to include the addresses for the contribution request. My brother Jim says there's an account for that, but the step-mom isn't here right now with that info. The deadline to have it printed in tomorrow's paper is 2:00. Hope this works.

Here's the obituary:

(Redacted) “Tom” (Redacted), Jr., 78, of Gainesville died on March 25, 2013. He was born in Ocala, FL on November 6, 1934. He is survived by his loving wife (Redacted), brother (Redacted), children Doris (Redacted) ("Superman"), Mike my brother, Jim my brother (Jim's wife), step-children (Redacted) (his wife), (Redacted) (his wife), Redacted (his wife), (Redacted) (his husband), (Redacted) (his SO); nine grandchildren, seven step-grandchildren, and four great granddaughters.

            Tom graduated with a B.S. in Education from FSU and a Masters in Counselor Education from UF with additional graduate studies at UF. He was a veteran of the U.S. Army. He taught in the Florida public high schools and for 25 years taught and counseled at Santa Fe College.

            Tom was a complete outdoorsman. He was a passionate fresh and salt water fisherman and enjoyed hiking and mountaineering in the Appalachians, the Sierras, and the Rockies of Colorado and Canada. Additional interests included worldwide travel, conservation, free speech and justice causes, physical and earth sciences, biology, politics, and economics. Tom was active in Al-Anon and met with many friends from Santa Fe College and Ocala High School.

            In lieu of flowers the family would appreciate contributions to any of the following:

Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research  www.michaeljfox.org

            Grand Central Station

            P.O. Box 4777

            New York, NY 10163-4777

National Parkinson Foundation http://www.parkinson.org/

Gift Processing Center
PO Box 5018  

Hagerstown, MD 21741-5018

ACORN Clinic for Rural Healthcare http://www.acornclinic.org/

            23320 N. State Rd. 235

            Brooker, FL 32622

Jeff Block Memorial Scholarship http://www.sfcollege.edu/development/index.php?section=info/JeffBlockMemorial

            Santa Fe College Office for Development

            3000 NW 83rd Street

Gainesville, FL 32606

There are a lot of people named (Redacted) in my extended family. Reunions are confusing. 

OK, moving along.... Do you notice that I'm the only girl up there? My two brothers are listed, then the sons of his current wife (or widow, in this case) then the sons of his second wife. He was close to his ex-step-sons. Interesting about ex-step-son second from last. That boy had a tough transition from teen to adult and did some things that severely damaged their relationship. Approximately ten years later, though, he came out as gay and Daddy thought that was wonderful. Said it's the first honest thing the fella had done in years, or maybe forever. He went to Vancouver for the wedding of ex-step-son and his husband when they legally because it's Canada! tied the knot. 

There were some other things I have been thinking about, and when they come to mind I think "I need to blog about that" but of course now I forget what they are. I hope to get back here soon to spew forth my thoughts. It gets messy, but I'm like that anyway. 

Superman and I found some ChocoVine chocolate wine in the Fresh Market store yesterday! We had that for the first time last weekend in Delaware and I fell in love with it. I was so excited to find it here! We killed the first bottle last night (OK, mainly I killed it. My step-mom helped.) and the second bottle has been opened. We may get another bottle or two to take home with us. 

I am so blessed with such great supportive friends who have known me only through this blog. Last weekend's Bloggerpalooza was incredible, and I feel so much love and support from the fine men and woman I was fortunate to meet. Hugs are the greatest! I am thankful for all the supportive messages I've received since learning of my Daddy's death, from everyone here. (Catrina! I had no idea you lurked here! I see you at Dirk's place all the time.) 

I have taken care of the obituary business, the newspaper got their money and it will run in tomorrow's paper. It is now time for a nap. 

Moving on

... because what else is there to do?

It took us 11 hours to get home from Richmond, VA today. We stopped a few times, had a sit-down lunch at a Cracker Barrel before we ever got out of Virginia. Then we stopped for supper at my favorite place in the Charlotte, NC area. the IHOP on Cox. I took pictures. I'll post them soon, but not tonight. As I type this it's 1:53 a.m. Superman and I are driving down to Gainesville, FL in the morning to be with my brothers as we mourn Daddy's death.

It's been a surreal day. Started out with snow on the ground and more snow falling gently from the skies over Virginia. We tried to take a truckload of snow home to the kids, but it somehow disappeared between Richmond and Greenwood SC.

My Daddy isn't here anymore. All day today that reality keeps sinking in deeper. He wasn't supposed to die yet. He was supposed to have another 5, maybe 7 years. That's my opinion, anyway. He was 78 years old.

And I'm doing OK, really. He was a fine man, lived a good life more or less. He certainly had a full life, and did a lot of things that he really enjoyed. His life ended rather uncomfortably, but until a few days ago he was fine. He kept his mental faculties until the end, and I know that was very important to him. He did not linger, was not a burden on anyone, and lived his life on his own terms, at least the past few years.

Of course he's gone now, and that's not going to change. So we change with it. He's gone. We carry on.

Superman is allowed three consecutive calendar days of bereavement leave for the death of a parent-in-law. He took Monday off anyway for our return trip from Delaware. His three bereavement leave days begin tomorrow, go through Thursday. Good Friday comes at the end of the week and is a paid holiday where he works. So, he has the week off. We'll go tomorrow to be with my brothers and step-mom and stay for I don't know how long.

There won't be any kind of memorial service anytime soon. Daddy didn't want one, I think, and neither does his wife. They are now planning a celebration of life party on his behalf to be held in about four weeks. Daddy's wishes were to be cremated and have his ashes cast upon the waters of the Atlantic Ocean. Sometime this summer, I suppose, the brothers and step-mom will arrange a deep sea fishing trip and celebration of Daddy's life. We'll go east into the Atlantic and broadcast his ashes, perhaps drink a bit ("a bit" means "a lot") maybe do some fishing, and remember a truly special man. So nothing this week except being together. More formal and public celebrations of his life to follow later in the year. Though I wish there was some kind of memorial service for him this week, I'm OK with the way things are. It's what he wanted and what his widow wants for him. That is more important than what I might want. My immediate family here in South Carolina can have our own private memorial ritual.

And right now I really need to get to sleep!

Got some really hard news this morning

My father died around 2 this morning.

I want to post it to Facebork, but my brother doesn't want it there yet, so I'll wait. But I want to let my blog buddies know.

Last Tuesday Daddy had a heart valve replaced. Things went well with the surgery, the valve was doing what it was supposed to do. Evidently, though, his intestines didn't wake up from the anesthesia. He never passed any stool, they gave him laxatives and an enema that didn't work. He was nauseous a lot. Then last night he "coded." They revived him, but he coded again a little while later and he was gone.

He's gone.

I got up this morning, showered, dressed, and checked my phone. I'd plugged it in last night and turned off the sound. I had five missed calls from my youngest brother Jim and a text from the older (but not older than me) brother Mike. The text was sent at 4:00 this morning. It said "Call me at either number as soon as you get this. I love you." and I knew it was bad news. Didn't know how bad, but ... well, you know. So I called Mike. And now I know. I'm glad I had a good night sleep last night.

Superman has packed the truck, we're about ready to leave for home. We spent the night last night with my cousin in Richmond, VA. As much as I enjoyed being with Jay, I'm really glad to be with family this morning. We'll be home late this afternoon/early evening. I'll try to get a good night sleep tonight, then head down to Gainesville, FL tomorrow.

Superman and I had the most marvelous weekend in recent memory. I am so glad we got to spend that time with such wonderful people at the Bloggerpalooza. I feel somewhat refreshed and very much supported to go into this difficult week ahead. I'll keep you informed as I am able.

The weekend in Delaware

I had no idea Delaware could be so fun. Maybe it's Delaware, maybe it's the company of all these lovely bloggers from lots of other places.

 These are just a few pics I took last night. There's Jay and Anne Marie and Ron in the top photo, taken in the lobby of the Inn. The second and third pics were taken in the suite where Cubby is staying. In the third pic are Ron, Fred, and Mark (right to left) and the crowd in the second pic are, as near as I can tell, Anne Marie sitting on the right, David in the chair beside her, Todd (Anne Marie's husband) on the stool to the far left, and behind them in the kitchen are Mark, Fred, Ron, and Nate.

The cocktail hour is about to begin downstairs and I must dress for dinner. Still haven't had a chance to make links and stuff to these other bloggers. Sorry.

This afternoon we went into Rehoboth Beach for some silly pictures and lunch at a lovely Mexican place where The Cajun works. We ate, we laughed, we laughed, we drank, we enjoyed a beautiful day, and then laughed some more. Sean Breen and his husband, me and Superman were passengers in the car Harper's Keeper was driving. The four of us gave him some very interesting directions getting back to the Inn in Lewes. It's amazing we arrived at all. There was much laughing. There has been lots of laughter since this adventure began.

Coming to this Bloggerpalooza is the best idea we've had all year.

Off to have more fun. Will post more pics later.

Blogger - A - Thon

... or whatever we're calling it. Lordy, I've heard about as many terms for this meeting as there are bloggers attending.

We're in Delaware, Superman and I, meeting up with Ur-Spo and Harper's Keeper and Retired in Delaware and Jay in Virginia and Anne Marie in Philly and Cubby from Patently Queer and about as many more as I've just listed. It's very late, I've been drinking (not drunk, not even tipsy anymore), rode for 5 hours today and rode/drove 8 hours yesterday and I am so tired. But excited. But need to go to sleep.

And by "today" and "yesterday" I mean Friday and Thursday. Superman and I left South Carolina Thursday morning, drove to the Richmond, VA area to meet Jay. (I'll have links and shit tomorrow. Too tired/lazy tonight) We crashed at Jay's last night, then got up this morning, had some IHOP breakfast (but not the IHOP on Cox) and Jay drove (we rode) the scenic route to Delaware. It was beautiful. And it meant sitting in the car for a long time. I got a lot of knitting done. Or as VUBOQ says, I knat.

So far we have had loads of fun. Tomorrow (Saturday) promised even more fantastic fun. Perhaps I'll get online tomorrow before I'm as tired as I am now and perhaps write a post that's more clear than this rambling mess.

Having a marvelous time. Wish you were here.

A rambling Sunday

I just received a lecture from Twitch on how I should get out more. And I should spend less time on the computer. And that blogging has adversely affected my life. He says the computer is eating my soul. I replied that the cat is eating my soul, starting with my toes.

He's got a lot of damned gall. That's all I can say.

This coming Thursday is graduation day at the college he attended. Most of his friends are graduating then. Thursday is also the day Superman and I are leaving for Delaware, where we will participate in the exciting east coast blogger jamboree. (Spo has a lovely post about the upcoming Blog-o-rama, including a list of the blogs of the attendees.) Twitch really wants to go to Charlotte on Thursday but of course he has no car and can't drive, and we need for him to be here to supervise the Diva/Sproing chaos. Twitch is not happy about this. He suggested we call in a friend to stay with the kidlets, or farm them out until Friday. He supposes he can get one of his friends to bring him back to Greenwood, a 140 mile, three hour trip. I have my doubts. His idea is to ride up with us, since we'll be going through Charlotte on our way to the Mid Atlantic states.

But no, we don't have any resources to get someone else to stay here with the kids. We pretty much have no friends here. That isn't entirely true, but we don't go out much at all and haven't socialized with any of our old friends in a very long time. I can't just call up someone I've not talked to in over a year and say "hey, wanna come over and be subjected to terrible behavior from careless ungrateful teenagers?" Not gonna happen. As unpleasant as this is, he's gonna have to get used to it.

In other news, I got a call from Light this morning. She has a new boyfriend. Actually, I think this is her first boyfriend. She previously had a girlfriend, but they broke up a year or so ago. Last night was the first date with the boyfriend. It lasted until this morning. They talked a lot. He asked her to go steady with him (but not in those words). He is absolutely wonderful, so I was told. I'm very excited for her.

I'm more excited about this boyfriend than I was about the girlfriend. Although I liked the girl, I didn't think she was a good match for Light. I don't have a problem with her being partnered with a girl. At least I like to think it doesn't bother me. The way she talked about this boy, though, she's way more enthused than I ever heard her being about the girl. And being in a heterosexual relationship will probably be easier, socially, than if she were with another woman. Am I talking too much? Am I making excuses? I don't know. It's early yet. But I have a good gut feeling about this fella. I'm going to try to not overthink this thing. We'll see how things progress.

My dad goes into the hospital tomorrow to have a heart valve replaced with a pig part. He's going into the shop for a valve job. Do you remember (are you old enough?) when that guy got a heart transplant from a baboon? I think it was a baboon. It was a huge step in medical science. The guy lived for not very long. Maybe hours, maybe a couple of days. I'd look it up except I'm too lazy. Anyway, Daddy isn't having his entire heart replaced, only one of the valves in his heart. And the donor is a pig. We've been teasing that it's an Arkansas Razorback hog. He'll be yelling "PIG SOOIE" when he roots for his Florida Gators.


Today, 17 March 2013, is our 30th anniversary. Thirty years ago today Superman and I went down to the Fulton County courthouse and were married by the prison chaplain of the Fulton County prison system. It was a cold rainy day. I wore my favorite overalls. I still have them, they're saved in my cedar chest along with my wedding dress. We had one of those traditional wedding things a month later on the 16th of April where all the friends and relatives came and did that celebrate thing. We did that mainly for my Mama. I liked the St. Patrick's Day wedding better, though I have more pictures of the second one. Don't have any pics of the first one, actually.

More information: this time a sex-positive message

As if you didn't know by now, I have a sex-positive philosophy.



I could expound on my philosophy of sex, and maybe one day I will. But not today. I'm too tired and distracted.

An informative piece

How in the hell did he keep a straight face while saying this??

On my mind

There are a few things on my mind. Time for bullet points, folks!

• Those captcha thingies. Good grief, do they  have to make the letters quite so distorted? And the photographs of numbers. Many times they are so blurry I can't make them out. It makes me feel old. 
• For breakfast, a recent favorite is frozen blueberries in Greek style yogurt. It's all kinds of healthy and shit. Plain non-fat yogurt, the Greek stuff with extra smooth texture and a bunch more protein than ordinary yogurt. I put frozen blueberries in it, stir it up, then let it sit for 5 or 10 minutes. The yogurt directly around the blueberries freezes just a bit as the blueberries begin to soften. It's so good! 
• Most of my friends live far away. Many of them I've never met in person. Sometimes this doesn't bother me, but other times it does. I feel as though I should have  more local friends, that I am somehow deficient for not making friends. However, I'll get to meet more of my long distance friends in a week and a half when Superman and I go to the Bloggerpalooza meeting in Delaware. We are both looking forward to that. 
• I have a niggling fear that we might not be able to go to Delaware because of some trouble with Diva and/or Sproing. We really need to get away. I hope hope hope everything works out for us to go. 
• I'm supposed to be hemming Diva's dress for the Ball on Friday. I don't want to because I'm petty and she's an ungrateful bitch. 
• Why is great spelled with the vowels "ea" beside each other, but grateful has the "a" and "e" separated by the "t"? I don't expect an answer to this question. 
• I like elephants. Ron posted about "the elephant in the room" concerning an upcoming medical procedure. I'm concerned about him, and wish him all the best. But he got my mind wandering toward elephants, and I just have to say, elephants are wonderful. It's kinda like "squirrel" for someone with ADD (which I have) but today the squirrel is an elephant. I recently bought a book about elephants, it's right over there in the bookshelf, but I haven't read it yet. 
• I spent the morning checking the blogs of everyone who's signed up for the blogger meet-up. Some of these folks I've been following for years, some I've recently discovered, and a couple are completely new to me. This morning I read at least the latest post from everyone except Spo, for whom this meeting was originally conceived. I read his blog yesterday. He'll have to forgive me. As I understand it, Spo gets around. He's done lots of traveling and has met many blog buddies, but hadn't been to the east coast to meet anyone on this end of the continent. He lives in Phoenix, AZ where it is way too hot and sunny for me to visit. So he and a few other east coast bloggers devised this trip in order to meet and spend time having fun with each other. If I'm mistaken, someone please correct me in the comments. 
• Winter is pretty much over in South Carolina now. We might have a few more nights were the temps get to freezing or below, but not far and not many. I really like winter. I really don't like summer. Summer in South Carolina is entirely too long and too hot. 
• Smucker's natural peanut butter mixed with grape jam, preferably, or strawberry preserves as an acceptable substitute tastes good when used as a dip with corn chips. This has been a favorite lunch or snack for years, since I was a teenager. I used to use Fritos Corn Chips, but recently discovered that tortilla chips are at least as good. Fritos are too greasy. My desire for this treat comes and goes. I'll go years without eating peanut butter and jelly dip with chips, then have it once or twice a week for a month or more. It was my lunch yesterday. 
• I don't like my house. Never have, actually. It's a brick ranch in a subdivision. Now I like brick alright. It's a good sturdy building material, good to have as facade, low maintenance. The ranch style architecture wears on my soul. And we aren't subdivision people. And there are too many things in my house. Too many people, too, but that's a story for another post. I myself have too much stuff that belongs to me. I should get rid of it. But where to start? When? How? What to do with it all? I'd like to try to make some money from this excess stuff. We could do a yard sale, I suppose. I don't like hosting yard sales, but sometimes it needs to be done. I don't know how to set things up to prepare for one, though. What goes and what stays? Where do I put it until the day of? How do I price things? Just how early do I need to get up on a Saturday morning for this kind of foolishness? These are too many questions for my poor ADD-addled brain (ADDled?) to work through. 
• Alice Nelson. I want her to come live with us. You know Alice as the housekeeper for the Brady family of "Brady Bunch" fame. I need me an Alice. You may also be familiar with Hazel Burke from her self titled show that ran for a few years before "The Brady Bunch" hit the scene. I don't want Hazel. She brings too much drama. I want a housekeeper like Alice who lets me have the drama while she is a supporting character who helps clean up after me. 
• Jason Mraz. I've been listening to his album "Love Is a Four Letter Word" a lot. I may have blogged about this recently. The thing I like about his music is that it's so positive. His lyrics (and tunes, for that matter) are upbeat, positive, happy without being sappy. There is a hell of a lot of negativity in my life right now (I want my children to move out of my house, dammit!!!) and listening to Jason Mraz croon positive messages at me truly helps. It doesn't overpower the darkness, but it helps. 
• This is a lot of bullet points. Probably too many. I'm going to stop this foolishness and get on with the important things of my day, like taking a nap. The garbage guys just drove down the street. Our garbage is now in their truck. This satisfies a small yet important need of mine. 

Messed up: Mentally and emotionally unstable

This is going to be, among other things, a complaint. You might want to skip this one and come back when I'm in a better mood. You have been warned.

I took an Ativan in preparation for my kids getting home from school. I hate this. I hate that they are so hard to deal with, and I hate having to medicate myself in defense against them.

I'm confused. Messed up. Sad upon sadness. Don't know what to do, where to turn, what's next.

I'll try to write a coherent report of the weekend. It was a good weekend in many ways. We got a lot accomplished. Superman worked on preparing the garden. Did I mention we're going to try gardening this year? Diva got a lot of the public living space in the house swept and cleaned up some. She had to do that as punishment, actually, but ended up doing a pretty good job, after having done it wrong twice. Damn, everything is a huge fight with these kids. (get back on track, Java) Superman and the sons worked in the yard a lot, not just in the garden. Sproing fussed and was a pain in the ass about it almost the whole time. On Saturday I spent a long time in the kitchen. I made bread, fixed a really good dinner, helped clean things up. I was motivated. It felt good to be in there working to make things better.

For dinner Saturday I made vegetarian lasagna. I snuck so many vegetables into the sauce!! I put grated carrot and zucchini in it, and cut up mushrooms and onions very small for the sauce. The kids didn't even notice! They always complain about mushrooms in my red sauce, but this time they didn't say a thing. I layered baby spinach leaves between the cheese and noodle layers, too. The spinach was obviously there, but the kids didn't fuss about it. I guess I've done spinach lasagna enough times they're used to it. Also, cheese. Cheese covers a multitude of sins.

So all good, right? And Sunday. Continued with all the good work. I repaired holes in two of Superman's favorite jeans. He needed to work, but his only usable pair of jeans was dirty. These other two have been sitting around waiting for me. Woe is me. So he put the jeans in my lap and said "now." So I did. Funny thing, he blows out the crotch of his jeans. The left side between the bottom of the zipper and the crotch seam. It's a difficult area to patch because of curves, intersections of planes, thick seams. But I like to think he wears out jeans there because his package is so big. (giggle) And I enjoy doing things for him. I love him. I know he loves me. When I do stuff like that, I do it with love.

After I finished repairing the jeans, I moved on to Diva's dress. Background: Diva is in the JROTC program at the high school. This coming weekend is their annual Military Ball, which because of her involvement with JROTC, she is entitled to attend. Superman bought her a nice long dress a couple of weeks ago, and it needs to be altered. I got started on that yesterday afternoon. The shoulder straps need to be shortened and the gap at the front needs to be tacked. Otherwise the front will gap and show off her girl boobies. I don't know if she'd like that or not, but I don't want that to happen. So I accomplished those tasks. The dress also needs to be shortened. I started on that, but couldn't complete that task because DAMN. My children.

When I mend Superman's clothes, I do it with love and he appreciates it. Everything I sew or knit or crochet is made with love. That's what I do, who I am. However, the love gets blocked when I work on Diva's stuff. Not sure how or why, exactly. No, I do know why. You probably do to if you've read this blog for any length of time. So I start the work and my heart doesn't know how to proceed. Mixed signals, bad energy, something. When fixing the straps I did a damned good job. Looking at it you can't even tell where I made the adjustments. The thread I used matches the existing thread exactly. All my work is hand stitched, the dress was constructed with a machine, and you can't tell where my hand stitches are because they look so much like the machine stitches. It's flawless. I put a lot of effort into it, and it hurts me because I know Diva hates me. She can't appreciate what I do for her. She can't show her appreciation, and if she does, I don't believe her. Usually I enjoy doing that fine level of work, but it hurts to do it for her.

I worked while sitting at the table in the kitchen. Diva was supposed to be cleaning the living room and hallway. She was there, throwing stuff around, bumping things, being rough because she didn't want to do the work. She bitched the entire time. She made more of a mess than she cleaned up in some respects. The thing that really killed me, though, was her attitude. Her negative energy filled the house, squelching me. Sproing would come in from working outside to get a drink or a snack, and the two of them fought every time they were in the house together. Not just the same room, but the entire house. If she's in the kitchen and he's in his room at the other end of the house, they're arguing. They say the ugliest things to each other. They can't shut up. If one says something, anything to anyone, the other makes a snide or ugly comment about it. He answers for anyone whenever a question is asked. I'll as her some mundane thing, and he'll answer for her which pisses the hell out of her. Or his answer will be some obnoxious insulting response. They do that constantly. Every fucking interaction they have is filled with vile negativity. It's killing me. Killing my heart.

Yesterday I couldn't take it any longer. They drove me to tears. I was very testy and angry, angrier than the circumstances would indicate. That smacks of hormone imbalance if you ask me, and maybe that's what some of this is. However, the kids are killing me. They are breaking my spirit, breaking my heart. I am all about peace and love. They are the opposite.

I dread being with these two children. Yesterday afternoon and most of today I've been unable to function. I was supposed to take Diva to the dentist this afternoon, but I couldn't make myself go. Superman volunteered to take her instead, which was super sweet of him. He didn't have any meetings this afternoon at work, so had some flexibility to do that. It makes me feel guilty, though. One of the reasons I'm home, not working, is so I can take care of shit like that so he doesn't have to. Today I can't. Too messed up.

I'm so sorry I'm so useless. Seems I make so much work for others when I should be able to take care of shit myself. I have managed to wash our laundry today, however. Two loads put away, one load in the dryer, and the last load in the washer. I can't go out there and take care of it now because I have to stay locked in my room to avoid the teen monsters. I don't want them touching anything of mine. They have cooties. If Twitch were to bring me a basket of clean laundry I'd welcome the help and be able to fold those things. If Diva or Sproing does it, though, it would make me sick. There is something wrong with me. Well, there is something wrong with them, I'm pretty sure, but it affects me. It is breaking me.

I am, on the whole, a strong person. Today I can't seem to tap into that strength. It will probably come back, because I am fundamentally strong. Right now, though, I'm messed up. I'm depressed. Sad. Beyond sad.

The bad kid journal: Sproing edition

He did it again. He and his crime companion broke into the church, the same one they hit a last month, and stole food. According to the detective they sat around in the church kitchen drinking soda and eating candy and other junk food. It's considered felony burglary, though. Sproing says he didn't do it. He has lied to me enough recently (hell, and probably for a long time and I was clueless) that I don't believe him now.

He's an idiot. The frustrating thing about it, though, is that he's smart. He's intelligent. He ain't got no wisdom, obviously. The Law takes these things seriously, and these kids need to, also. On one hand, you could say they were just kids being kids. On the other hand, the law is the law and they broke it. That, of course, is how the law sees it. I just spoke to the detective handling the case. He showed up on my doorstep as I was tying this. Nice young man. I wish him luck with this investigation.

Oh, and y'all? Don't shoplift at Wal-Mart. Did I mention Sproing and his crime partner got caught shoplifting a week and a half ago? At Wal-Mart. The loot? Candy and other snacks. They're idiots.

Yesterday the detective told me about a woman who shoplifted a bottle of water from W-M. Wal-Mart is serious about shoplifting, and they've got "flesh eating lawyers" and lots and lots and lots of money to devote to the problem. And they like to make examples out of people who shoplift. According to the detective, the woman was fined $2100 for stealing a $1.50 bottle of water.

Anyway, I don't want to think about it anymore today.

Here's a quote I found in one of my daily email subscriptions 
Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For this brave old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox, poet (1850-1919) 

Oh, let's do a meme, since I got nuthin' else

From Cubby who got it from John at Rejected Reality

Sunday 9

This week: Sunshine Day

1. The best known Brady Bunch song is, of course, the show's theme. Do you know the lyrics? Yep

2.The Bradys were a blended family. Do you have stepparents, stepchildren or stepsibs? I have a step mother, two step brothers that I barely know (my dad married her after all their children were grown), an ex-step mother I grew up with, and three ex-step brothers, who I used to know well because I grew up with them, too. Though I haven't seen these ex-steps in many many years. I also have a couple of ex-step nieces/nephews, but I'm not sure that counts. 

3. Samantha (I have no idea who Samantha is) admits that, when she was 12, she taped Greg Brady's photo over her bed. Before you judge her too harshly, come clean yourself. Did you have a major pre-teen crush? Who was it? David Cassidy! 

4. Which TV character do you wish lived next door? When I was pubescent I wished a cute boy would move next door, but didn't have any desire for a specific TV character or celebrity to be my neighbor. Right now the house next door to ours is for sale. I can't think of any TV character I'd want as a neighbor, though all the TV characters I know of, past or present, I would NOT want to live next door. Not even the Partridge Family. 
5. It's a sunshine day! Describe your sunglasses. Old-lady-style big plastic, polarized, dark amber lenses, black frames. 
6. You're on a 90-minute flight. How will you spend the time? Do you read a book? A magazine? Look out the window? Take a nap? Last time I was on an airplane was before 9/11/01. For 90 minutes I'd probably look out the window, assuming I had a window seat. Otherwise I'd probably read from my Kindle. I have 148 unread items on my Kindle right now, according to the home screen. 
7. Do you have a favorite brand of toothpaste? Whatever's cheap. 
8. How many keys are on your key ring? Which one? I have one exclusively for my truck keys, one for the lockable doors inside the house, and one for the outside doors and other miscellany. I don't know how many keys I have. I also collect keys (though I can't remember where I put the collection after the last time I "cleaned"). I have lots. I'd count them, except I can't find them. 
9. What do you miss about summertime? Not much. The availability of fresh peaches, maybe? But I don't like peaches all that well. What I don't miss about summer is a long list, including but not limited to the kids being home all the time on summer vacation, the oppressive heat, tepid water coming from the "cold" water tap, the seasonal advertisements, the smell of insect repellent and sun screen, paying so much for the power to run my air conditioner, bugs, and did I mention the oppressive heat?