Poetry and a bit of rambling

This needs to be said:

Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
Fain would I fathom thy nature specific.
Loftily poised in the ether capacious,
Strongly resembling a gem carbonaceous.

The internet tells me this poem is by John Raymond Carson

I saw the word "fain" in my A.Word.A.Day daily vocabulary email and recalled this poem. I had to look it up to get all the words right. Then of course I had to share it with you.

If you'd like a word every weekday in your mailbox, and I recommend it, subscribe at https://wordsmith.org/awad/subscribe.html 

One of my favorite parts of the Word.A.Day email is the "thought for today" which is a quote, usually from someone famous, sometimes having to do with world events, most frequently from someone who was born on said day. From last Thursday: 

We should not be simply fighting evil in the name of good, but struggling against the certainties of people who claim always to know where good and evil are to be found. -Tzvetan Todorov, philosopher (b. 1 Mar 1939) 

My goodness I sound like a commercial. Don't mean to! Honestly! 

I spent most of last week in western Pennsylvania with Light and her fiance. I sewed the sample dress to take up there for the fitting. So glad I did, too, because it is all wrong. I learned a lot about how NOT to put together this dress. Useful information, though somewhat frustrating.  I have all the materials I need to make a third sample dress, and that's my project for this week. I've barely begun, and right now I'm extremely tired. 

My lungs started feeling tight yesterday. I've been using my inhaler, so yay me. I have a bit of a cough; it's rough and unproductive. And oh lordy I'm so tired. When I finish this post I plan to take a nap. 

And since anything else I can think to tell you is too complicated to jot down quickly, I believe I'm finished. 

nighty-night

I try to live a relatively low drama life. Doesn't always work out that way.

So Valentine's Day has been fraught with angst many times over my lifetime. Sometimes it's good, sometimes not. Honestly I wonder if somehow the date is cursed. Wasn't there a huge Valentine's Day Massacre in Chicago perpetrated by the mob 100 years ago? Yeah, 1929, so not quite 100 years. This year we get another massacre. There's a lot going on about that. I'm super proud of the students for speaking out, and have real hope for the first time in a while that perhaps the legislators will make significant changes. Dan Savage had an interesting proposal on his Lovecast podcast this week. Suspend all gun sales for 30 days after a mass shooting. There's more to what he said and I can't articulate it well right now and I've come to talk about a more personal Valentine's Day kerfuffle.

Twitch was born on Valentine's Day in 1991. As much as I love my son and am proud of the man he's become, I did not want to have a baby on Valentine's Day. Wasn't my choice, though, was it.

This year I was chillin' at home, enjoying the peace. I'd made some crispy rice treats for Twitch, planned to deliver them (big double batch) to the restaurant where he works to celebrate his birthday and so he could share the goodies with his coworkers. I also wanted to make nice with the crew at the restaurant. It's my favorite place in town. I've mentioned it before. Beer and brick oven pizza. Yum.

I was waiting for Twitch's shift to start, was going to deliver the goodies around 5. At 4:30 I got a call from, of all places, Turbeville, SC, from the prison where Sproing has been incarcerated. This woman was calling to tell me that Sproing was being released. Today. Right now. Can I come pick him up?

Immediate anxiety "episode". I hesitate to call it an attack, because I can still breathe, my heart rate only elevates a little bit. I dunno. I wasn't comfortable. Shit.

First thing I told her was "Do you know where I live?" I assume she looks at her paperwork there, says Greenwood. Yep. Do you know how far away Greenwood is from Turbeville? No, I can't drive all that way right now. She says we can meet in Columbia, which is a good halfway distance from both locations. Well shit. I do NOT WANT TO DO THIS!

We agreed on a location in Columbia to meet. I got off the phone and pitched a fit. Lots of cussing. Lots of I don't want to do this. But it needs to be done, and I do what needs to be done. Adulting sucks sometimes. So after giving myself a pep-talk I took the treats to Twitch, told him I had to get his brother, and went to get his brother.

I won't bore you with the details. They're tedious anyway. After a few calls back and forth on the cell phone of his driver, we met at the agreed location. It was easy. He got out of the other car, said goodbye, got into my car, and OH SHIT SPROING  IS HERE, GOING HOME WITH ME, SHIT I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS. Breathe. Breathe. I breathed a lot last Wednesday.

This came totally out of the blue. I thought he would be in prison for another year, year and a half. Surprise!

Shit. So he's home. It's gone well so far, but he's still on his best behavior. He needs to get the FUCK out of my house. I keep dropping hints. hee hee.

But I'm not home right now. I'm at the most bestest coffee shop in all of western Pennsylvania. I'm visiting Light in Indiana, PA. Indianapa. She's getting married in less than two months, and I have the sample dress for her to try on. Did I mention I'm making her wedding dress? Well, trying to, anyway. It's light lavender satin with a white lace overlay. I've not sewn these fabrics before. I got a length of satin and some lace with which to practice. I got most of the dress constructed before I left home, but there's a little bit left to do. It's been a royal pain in the ass, especially the lace overlay.

I need to go do other things right now, and I'm pretty sure the time on my parking meter has expired. Perhaps I'll post again soon, maybe with photos of the sample practice dress.

Update on All My Children (mine, not the daytime drama)

Some of you have asked for updates on my children. Ready? GO!

Light
Light is 28 years old now. She finally graduated with her Masters of Fine Arts about a year ago. She still lives in western Pennsylvania (where it gets seriously cold) about an hour east of Pittsburgh. The barista job was a good one, but she outgrew it. She's now a baker in a bakery two blocks from her apartment. I got a call from her last week: "Mom! It was 60° yesterday and today I'm walking to work in 4 inches of SNOW!" From all accounts, she loves her job. One of her bosses is a French man who loves me. I know this because he speaks with a French accent and he gives me sweet baked goods every time I visit.

And she's getting married!! In April. In Pennsylvania. To a transgender man. It's fitting, since Light is bisexual or possibly pansexual, I'm not sure if it matters, but marrying a trans man, kinda getting a bit of both? Anyway, he's a lovely young fellow, a couple of years younger than Light, named J. He graduated with a BA in religious studies and some kind of English composition thing the same semester Light graduated. He wants to go to grad school for to be a writer of poems or maybe fiction I think. The grad school he most wants to go to is in Nebraska. I'm not crazy about the idea of Nebraska. Not that there's anything wrong with Nebraska, necessarily, but it's far far away from South Carolina.  J has some health issues, possibly Rheumatoid Arthritis though that hasn't been diagnosed. I worry about him. He says I worry too much.

So I'm focused on the wedding. I will be making her wedding dress. We have the fabric, the pattern, and I made a "muslin", a trial run with the pattern in some unimportant fabric. It needs tweaking. And it's time to start seriously working on it. Yeah, as soon as I can move again. (Creak, Groan, Other Old Lady Noises)

Twitch
Twitch will turn 27 years old on Valentine's Day. He's doing so well! I'm proud of him. He's always been a bit behind the curve socially. I'm sure he's on the Autism Spectrum, though high functioning. He also has Tourette's Syndrome; thankfully he has grown out of a lot of his more obvious tics. He's got a great job now. He worked at Arby's for a few years after he graduated from college (with a degree in graphic design, a profession he's never worked in). Last year he achieved employment at our favorite brick oven pizzeria and beer micro brewery. By all accounts it's a fantastic place to work and he does good work. He's in the kitchen making sandwiches and other entree stuff. The pizza station is behind the bar, very public, everybody watches. Twitch, his mother's son, doesn't like being on stage like that. He can make the pizzas but prefers being in the kitchen.

The crew there has a family style closeness. Employee turnover is rare, slow, whatever ya' call it. Twitch seems to fit in well. He's a unique guy, kind of an acquired taste, and I think the crew accepts him well, uniqueness and all.

Twitch has the adulting thing under control. Yes, he's young and makes choices I think aren't as wise as perhaps they should be, but overall he's truckin' along. Pays his bills, fulfills his obligations, helps out his mom and dad occasionally. It's good.

Diva
Oh boy. The Diva lives in Greenville now, in her own apartment I think. That's what she tells me anyway. OMG she showed up on our doorstep one afternoon last spring. I opened the door and stood there staring at her, stuttering, opening and closing my mouth in goldfish fashion. She laughed at me (kindly, not cruelly) and said "you're speechless!" I'm rarely speechless. We hadn't seen nor heard from her in maybe 18 months. I kinda freaked out. Ended up taking her out to IHOP for late lunch. We made friendly conversation.

I haven't seen her since, though we have communicated by email a few times. Her birthday is December 4th, and I sent an electronic birthday greeting. She wrote back, mentioned a book she was reading (reading a book?! Oh wow!) and wanted the next book in the series, so I ordered it from Amazon and had it sent to her. In doing so I learned her address. Looked it up on Google street view. It ain't fancy, but isn't gross either. She's working in fast food still, perhaps two jobs, I'm unclear about details. She also said something about being a manager. I think she means assistant manager, but I could be wrong. The girl has moxie, chutzpah, and a tenuous grasp of reality so she's likely to try things that I doubt she has aptitude for. Perhaps I'm underestimating her and she can do more than I believe of her. Her book smarts are weak, but she's got a particular social intelligence that takes her places.

Superman wants nothing to do with her. A brief synopsis: when she left home at 17-and-three-quarters, he helped her get into an apartment very close to the store where she worked. The deal was she would pay two thirds to three quarters of her rent, he'd pitch in the rest. They had specific monetary amounts in this deal. Since she wasn't 18 yet, she couldn't sign the lease, so of course Superman did. Then, surprising no one, she reneged on her responsibilities. Actually didn't pay a cent if I understand the situation. Ended up, after rent payments and penalties and fees, he was out over $3000. Even worse was the betrayal. She seemed to be so capable, was acting all responsible for a minute, and he had great hope. But true to form, she broke the faith. She broke him, a little bit. Definitely broke that relationship.

I now approach her with caution. I want to remain in contact with her, to check up, see how she's doing. I care about her well-being. But I know from sad experience how much she can hurt me, how she's turned on me every time in the past. I don't want her all up in my bid'ness, do NOT want the drama that constantly surrounds her! Pretty sure she doesn't want me in her business either. But it's good (bittersweet?) to know where she is and how she's doing.

Sproing
Sproing. Now there's a topic. Cut to the chase: he's in prison. Big boy prison. The real deal. Projected release date August of 2019. He'll be 21 years old then. Now, there's a possibility he'll get out earlier, but I don't know and neither does he. He's incarcerated in the Turbeville, South Carolina facility. Before he went there I didn't know that Turbeville, SC existed. I don't think there's much there except the prison. Florence, SC is the closest city.

He's in prison now because he violated probation. This is for his 2nd degree burglary charge he got in August of 2016? I think. He's been on probation for two years and hasn't fulfilled his obligations, but did fail a drug test. He smokin' da weed, mon. Not that I care about it, but this state does. His probation officer does. I'm not sure if it was the drug test or failure to pay any restitution that put him in prison. But there he is. He had a court appearance in mid September to review his probation and the judge said "Nope. Do not pass go, do not collect jack shit, go to jail." Prison, actually.

I was in Florida at the time helping my Mama move from the Orlando area to Merritt Island. And avoiding hurricane Irma. Can't remember where Superman was, but iirc he was out of town, too, for a couple of days. Anyway the dog and cat needed tending and Sproing was gone. Think I called Twitch to come do pet duty until his dad got home.

I don't even know what to say about Sproing. I'm disappointed, nay heartbroken that he has gotten himself into this situation. I strongly suspect racial profiling plays a part in how he got to this point, but he did in fact commit burglary in the 2nd degree. The young'un has aligned himself with criminal peers, gone to places where he would look suspicious, and blatantly broken the law a number of times since he was still a juvenile.

Sproing talks about wanting to get his GED, go to college, play college baseball then try the pro's. That baseball talk sounds implausible to me. He could probably get his GED if he concentrated and applied himself. I know he could get into college with a GED, but whether he'd succeed there is another matter. He's smart enough, but unless many things change, he's not disciplined enough. He also talks about wanting to help out around the house, help take care of Superman and me.* But when he's here he's rude and disrespectful, reluctant (or blatantly refuses) to do any kind of chore we ask of him.

In conclusion
Superman and I now have the house to ourselves! Well, plus the cat. Did I tell you the dog died? It was very sad. He was only four years old when he got sick last November (October?). We didn't notice anything amiss until he was very sick. No, it was in September when I was still in Florida. I spent most of September in Florida. Superman took him (Oreo the dog) to the vet, who ran blood tests the results of which came back with weird numbers. Like, the leukocytes outnumbered everything else so that they couldn't find the other blood component they were looking for. iirc. Honestly, the details escape me now. Oreo had Leukemia with complications, like some kind of serious infection that couldn't heal. Oh, he was bad. Superman and I took him to the vet to be euthanized. It was sad. Hard. He had been such a good dog, Sproing's dog, and Sproing hadn't taken good care of him. Of course we took up the slack providing for him, but he didn't get the kind of attention and exercise he needed.

So, to get back to my story, see, we're left with just the cat, who is right now sitting on my forearms as I attempt to type this. She's kinda heavy. Although successful, it isn't easy. Black Fuzzy Cat don't give a shit.

But let me tell you, we LOVE the empty nest! We do not at all miss having young people live in our house. When Sproing gets out of prison he will NOT be moving back in. (Dunno what he's gonna do; we'll worry about that as time approaches.)

Oh! P.S. Diva is 20 now, and Sproing turns 20 this Wednesday, January 24th.

*It's Superman and me because if I left off the first person mentioned, the sentence would be "... help take care of me." It's not difficult to figure out. "Help take care of I" is obviously, painfully wrong. So, simple check, if you were to only mention yourself, would you say "I" or "me"? Whichever fits there is also the word to use when saying "(the other person) and I/me". Thus ends the grammar lesson.

Christmas Day 2016

Merry Christmas!
We're having a modest Christmas. We bought one or two things to give to each of the sons and the gay pseudo-son, and Twitch gave us a marble mortar and pestle. I had amazon.com send a thing to Light and her boyfriend, and to my Mama. And that's it for Christmas. We finished a delicious early afternoon feast, most of which Superman cooked. Ain't he wonderful? I made the sweet potato casserole and pumpkin and pecan pies, and he made everything else.

I have this wonderful cookbook on my Kindle, An Unexpected Cookbook: The Unofficial Book of Hobbit Cookery.* I bought it about this time last year but hadn't yet made any of the recipes. Well, I chose a few to make side dishes for our Christmas feast. We had braised carrots, rosemary skillet peas, and the most wonderful savory bread pudding! Savory bread pudding is pretty much the same thing as dressing (or stuffing if you prefer) but this recipe has ingredients I've never used in dressing. It was the hit of the day, if you disregard the turkey and the pies. Really, all of it was delicious.

Superman has had a marble mortar and pestle for years, but the pestle broke a few years ago. It's hard to use that pestle when it's only half as long as it should be. One's fingers are in danger of being mashed against the side of the mortar. So Twitch gave him a new one. And there was much rejoicing.

The gingerbread house is on hold until after Christmas. I'll probably start playing with it again tomorrow. I made a few of the pieces but the big one fell apart when I tried to take it off the cookie sheet. Then I looked in my old recipe book and realized the recipe I printed off from my computer files is the wrong one! This cookie is actually easier to eat, softer and more fragile. The other recipe makes a very hard cookie which is superior for construction. So bully for me, I'm going to use that tomorrow. I'll post a picture when it's finished. My new goal is to have it finished by New Years Day.

*This book can be had from amazon.com in Kindle edition for $5.99 as of this writing. It's also available in hardcover, but I suspect it's out of print, since the hardcover edition sells for $139.96.

Casting into the void --- is anyone there?

So I've been contemplating my worth recently.

I am undergoing therapy for a sexual assault that happened when I was in my early teens. I'm 54, almost 55. My therapist sees a lot of young children, too, and that breaks my heart. She says the little kids take to therapy much better than most adults. They're resilient and believe what they're told. She tells them the sexual assault is not their fault, and they just believe it. She tells me my experiences are not my fault and it's ... it doesn't make sense that I don't have some culpability in the scenario.

Winter is approaching. Summer is over. I'm thankful for that. As has been mentioned in this space previously (a lot) I don't fare well in the heat. It's cold enough to need a fire in the wood stove. I'm back in my bedroom with the door closed, so it's a good bit cooler here than in the living room. I'm comfortable in a short sleeve dress. Ahhh.

My sleep quality is poor these days because my obstructive sleep apnea has gotten worse. I had a sleep study last month that determined I need increased pressure on my CPAP machine. The doctor gave me a prescription for a new CPAP with the increased setting. The supplier has all the necessary information. Then they told me it'll be 3-5 weeks before I get my fucking CPAP. Bastids. I'm snoring through my current CPAP, having apnea episodes, waking up with a sore throat from snoring so hard, and I'm tired all the time. Speaking of which, it's almost time for a nap. I love naps.

A couple of years ago I lost a good bit of weight, around 60 pounds. Well, I've gained most of it back. I should get back to the gym. I need a new gym membership, though. I'm strongly considering the local YMCA. I looked into it a few months ago and found that membership fees for people over 55 are discounted. Since I'll be 55 in January I figure I'll wait until then. I also had the bright idea to do some yoga in the meantime, to get limber and possibly strengthen my core, or whatever. I visited the yoga studio, got the business card of the woman I need to talk to. But alas, I haven't taken it any further. Yet. Maybe after Thanksgiving.

I'm very good at procrastinating. It's one of my greatest talents. (Note that it's been nearly six months since my last post. I occasionally think of posting, then something else happens.)

Sproing was in the county jail for 5 blissfully drama-free months. It was a bogus arrest, though, and he didn't deserve to be there. He was there awaiting trial for a piddly little charge, and didn't get a court date for a ridiculously long time. He was charged with auto break-in and petty theft. He allegedly opened an unlocked car and took some loose change from the ashtray. Why anyone would leave their car unlocked in that neighborhood I do not know. (It's "the projects") The only thing they had on him was the testimony of one of his hoodlum friends, who probably did it himself, the little punk. Sproing says he didn't do it, and I believe him. Yeah, he's a liar, but he's been pretty honest about the crimes he's committed. And really, auto break-in and petty theft and they leave him to sit and wait for five months? Geez. He didn't get a trail, either. The solicitor's office assumed guilt and offered him pre-trial intervention (PTI), which costs $350 (which he doesn't have) and 40 hours of community service. He doesn't even mind the community service. And it'll be good for him. After the completion of the PTI his record will be expunged. All very well and good, but he didn't do the crime in the first place. Shit. The criminal "justice" system is fucked up.

Superman, Twitch, and I are going to visit my in-laws for Thanksgiving. This year Thanksgiving happens to fall on my father-in-law's birthday, so his kids have decided to make the whole thing into a birthday party instead. I mean, it'll be Thanksgiving with the whole feast thing, we'll just call it Grand Dad's birthday. It's cool. BUT, it's the in-laws. They are ... well, they have social and political and religious views that are different from mine. They also disapprove of cussing. I'm fucked. (Actually, last time I visited I managed to go three days without cussing in their presence once!!) My m-i-l voted for Trump. F-i-l voted third party. To their credit, neither of them likes Trump, but they preferred him to Hillary. I'm hoping for no political discussion. They have a lovely screened back porch to which I can escape if the discussion gets too uncomfortable.

And speaking of complicated discussions, they want to hear all about Light's new boyfriend. Yes, Light has a boyfriend. Superman and I visited them in late October. He's a wonderful fellow, about three years younger than Light's 27 years, will graduate from IUP next month with a dual degree in English and religious studies. That's what the in-laws will like. That he's from western Pennsylvania, not a plus to these southern rebels. Grand Dad dreads that his great-grandchildren will be Yankees. Yes. Really.

Here's the rest of the story. The religious study the bf concentrated on is Buddhism. Not protestant Christianity which is the only acceptable option in their opinion. We won't tell them that. The "boy" part of boyfriend is his gender identity which doesn't correspond to his DNA or body morphology. No unplanned pregnancies in this monogamous relationship! So no Yankee grandchildren unless they do the sperm donor thing. Which Light is considering. I'm thrilled that she's in love with a wonderful young transgender man. There's a lot we won't be telling the grandparents.

There's a cat sleeping on my arms, making it difficult to type. The whole nap idea seems more and more appealing.

I'm blogstipated

I don't post often enough so when I finally sit down to write, there's so much to say it gets too long and I forget some of what I wanted to say. And other problems, but I forgot them just now.

Last week Twitch was transferred back to the Greenwood store (Arby's) so we no longer have to make that long drive to Simpsonville. What a relief! I actually like the drive sometimes, but not when it's so hot, and not four times a day. So now I'm glad he didn't get an apartment there.

Diva is a hot mess, as usual. She got this internship thing at a hair salon, then never went. She's being her old crazy self again, and not being nice to me very often. I don't want to talk about it.

Let's see... Sproing. He's an ass. Hangs around the house most of the day with his friends, playing video games and talking shit. He tells me he has a lead on one job or another nearly every day, but nothing ever becomes of it. Yes, he's taking advantage of me. Again. Still.

Light's birthday is Friday. She'll be 26. She's been in my dreams recently, but as a small child. Sometimes she's under 2 years old, sometimes she's pre-teen. Sometimes my other children are in the dreams too. She was such a lovely child. I miss that.

Superman and I were in Target yesterday and saw some cute dresses for little girls. I like the idea of sweet little girls, ages approximately 3-7, but the reality can be gritty. I know from experience. Maybe I'm ready for grandparenthood. Thing is, none of my children is ready for parenthood, so let's just skip it for now.

Here's the segue to the next topic:

Sproing hangs out in the living room most of the day. Whenever I go through there I get a pang of melancholy or something in the middle of my chest. Melancholy doesn't really begin to describe it. It's sadder and more anxious than my concept of melancholy. Whatever, it isn't pretty. This ball of burning lead in my chest saps my motivation right out of me.

I've said before that I am a hoarder. I want to clear out a lot of this junk in my life, but there is a strong emotional component to this mess. I'm a mess. For months I've been staring at these shelves in my bedroom. Just those two over there, not that big bookshelf on that side of the room. No, not that one up there either. Let's for a moment ignore the one(s) behind me. Just these two little (OK, not so little) shelves on top of my two drawer filing cabinet. (Now I want to create a diversion by telling you how wonderful my filing cabinet is, but that's just an unhealthy coping strategy, so let's not go there.) So this morning, feeling like accomplishing something, I started on the first cubby. (The unit has four cubbies, two small and two large. And the top of the shelf. And all that crap in front of it.) I got everything except the really big unabridged dictionary cleaned out! I even threw some of it away! Go me! But OMG I'm now approaching a nervous anxiety attack. Walking through the living room made it worse. I'm hydrating, and I had a V-8, hoping vegetables will help my body deal. I can write coherent sentences (I think) so it could be worse. It could also be a lot better.

Papers from my college art classes were in that cubby. Some sketch books, some notes and communications from the class. I took those classes only about five years ago. It seems like a long time now. There was a note from my professor encouraging me to continue my art education because he sees a lot of promise/potential. All the gods have mercy upon me!! I want to! So much! I remember I cried when I first got that note from him, and I cried again when I read it today. I'm currently helpless, (well, probably not completely) hopelessly entangled in the trappings of my life, unable to exercise my creativity.

Actually, one of the things I want to do today is sew. I have a new dress completely cut out and ready to sew together. I've started sewing a shirt and want to get back to it. But do you know how close my sewing room/office is to the living room where the "chaps" are hanging? I can't go there. Gads, I feel so helpless and weak and stupid.

In other, lighter news, I broke a tooth over the weekend. For those of you keeping score at home, it's the bottom right, third tooth from the end. I have no wisdom teeth anymore, so don't count that. A piece of the tooth sheared off the side between the teeth. It's stuck between the teeth now, and shifts around when I chew on that side. Feels really strange. I broke it while eating cornbread. Soft, fluffy, oh so good cornbread. Or at least that's when I noticed it. I was also eating soup. Soup with nothing hard in it. I have no idea how it broke. I suspect there's a filling in that tooth and it popped off beside the filling. Thankfully it doesn't hurt. I have an appointment with my dentist tomorrow midday.

This is about all I have the emotional energy to write right now. Have a good July.

Stuff, some of it disturbing

I am with Light now in Pennsylvania. It's good to be here, good to see her. We'll go see her art exhibit tomorrow evening... in the snow, evidently. Right now it's sunny and pretty here, but it's supposed to get very cold and wet, beginning with rain in the early hours tomorrow, but staying above freezing  most of the day. By night, though, it's supposed to change to snow. Then I leave the day after, in ice and snow it looks like. I'll be driving to the Bloggerpalooza in Lewes, DE on Thursday. Looks like I'll need to add a couple of hours to my drive time for this weather. I think this is the system the Weather Channel is calling Vulcan. OK, just looked at the report and this part of PA will only get light snow. But what about the water that falls before the freeze? East of here, and into DE won't be affected, snow-wise, so maybe it'll be OK.

And I'm super-duper looking forward to the Bloggerpalooza, even though the man who SHOULD be with me is back at home dealing with shit. I'll get to that in a minute. He and I are both really pissed that he could not come this time.

So, the shit at home concerns Sproing this time. He had his follow-up court appearance today, his chance before the judge after spending a few weeks (5, I think it was) in the evaluation center, what I like to call "jail lite." The DJJ office and the attorney recommended that he be put on probation, with the understanding that if he violated probation at all he'd be put back into DJJ custody for the remainder of his term. But no, not this judge. As Superman said, he got the hangin' judge today. She sent his ass to jail for 9 months. I am upset. Superman is upset. Sproing is beside himself. Superman said he was crying when they took him away. He'll be back at the eval center for a few weeks (60 days, but probably less) then be put into "placement." Don't know what placement means. The nice lady from DJJ said that could mean anything from foster care to group home to "I'd like to vacation here." So we'll see. He'll be subject to random drug tests, be enrolled in whatever school is available where he's placed, and maybe some other stuff but I can't remember what else Superman read to me.

Sproing has been doing so much better recently. He definitely learned that he doesn't want to go back to jail after his first stint in the jail lite. I really hope he doesn't become bitter and harder from this. It might work to his advantage, you know. He might learn a very valuable lesson and become a better person, etc. I can hope.

Why don't they do this with Diva?? She's the one who really needs to get the hell out of the home. She has some charges pending, but no news yet on when she'll go to court. I hope she gets this same judge, though. I'd love for her to be sent away. Maybe something like this would improve her attitude, too.

Anyway, I'm pretty upset about Sproing being sent away. And I'm upset about Diva still being at home. Actually, right  now I'm just kinda upset. Think I'll go sew for a while, listen to some happy music, and try to chill.

P.S. I had a fantastic road trip yesterday. Left home at 4 a.m. and drove for about 13 hours to get to Light's place. Had a really good trip, listened to some awesome music, didn't use a map or directions or anything and got here MAKING NO WRONG TURNS AT ALL!!!! I'm particularly proud of that. I will need directions to Lewes, though, because I don't know how to get there from here. The directions are printed out and attached to an official looking clipboard in my truck. I'll let you know how it goes.

One of these days I'll write something happy

Next weekend is the second annual Bloggerpalooza. I'll be there. We had a grand time last year, and I am looking forward to meeting old friends and new. Unfortunately Superman will not be with me. Remember all the crap that Diva has done recently? We can't leave her with Twitch. He's not able to deal with her, and she would take advantage of him so fast. Both Superman and I are super pissed off about this.

We had such a good time last year getting away together. It's the first time in ... no, it was the second time in a very very long time that Superman and I were able to get away together, just the two of us. The first time was the summer before, 2012, when I wrecked the little Aveo in West Virginia. He drove up to bring me home and we spent one night there in Lewisburg, WV together. We had a wonderful time, even though I'd wrecked the car. I think we hadn't been away together just the two of us since before we adopted Sproing back in 1998. How fucked up is that? Then last March we spent a fantastic four days together, then my Daddy died (the Monday after the Bloggerpalooza weekend) and we went together to Gainesville, FL to be with the family and deal with that shit. Technically that was time away together, but because it piggy-backed the Bloggerpalooza and was because of my Daddy's death, it doesn't count. I mean, really. This past year has been hell thanks primarily to Sproing and Diva, and we could use some time together.

On the positive side, I'll be able to see Light. I'm leaving early Monday to go to Pennsylvania to spend a couple of days with Light and see her art show. I'll drive to Delaware on Thursday for the festivities there.

Let's talk about music. I'm not a huge music fan like lots of people I know. I like a variety of genres. I'm particularly fond of classical music, most kinds. Some of the avant garde dissonant stuff doesn't do it for me, but otherwise I like classical music. There are some country songs/artists I like (Kenny Chesney comes immediately to mind). I like soft jazz, piano jazz, but in general jazz isn't one of my favorite genres. It's hit or miss with contemporary pop songs. I like a lot of pop and rock from the 60s and 70s when I was growing up. There are very few hip-hop or rap songs I like, but there are some. My CD collection includes a random handful of classical stuff, my most recent favorite being the complete collection of Beethoven symphonies. When I was in my country music phase I collected a bunch of CDs. Some of them I still like, some I don't. I should get rid of some of that stuff I don't really like.

The majority of my CD collection, however, is oldies. Stuff I grew up loving. The CDs of vinyl albums we had when I was a kid. When they package those CDs they include my baggage. If I hear the song on the radio, I think "I remember that song! I loved that song." In a fit of reminiscence I buy the CD. Then I play it and all the baggage comes falling out and I can't listen to the songs without wallowing. I should get rid of those, too, I suppose. I've decided that I need to get some new stuff that I like. One recent acquisition is Jason Mraz. I really like most of his stuff. He's got a positive energy I find helpful. I've also recently become enamored of Peter Bradley Adams. This is the song that caught my attention. Think I'll get one of his CDs.

He's lyrical and melodic, has good harmonies and simple instrumentals. I hear some James Taylor influences. James Taylor is one of my old time favorites that I can listen to without pain. Oh, I also recently got a Jackson Browne CD (Late for the Sky) that I'm getting to know. Most of the songs on that album are new or not very familiar to me.

Enough of that. Now I'm figuring out my route from here to PA, then to Lewes, DE, and back home. I need to break up the trip home and I'll stay with one of my cousins in Virginia, either the one in Virginia Beach or her sister in Richmond. I've stayed in Richmond the past few times I've needed a layover. I'd like to see the VA Beach cousin, but she is a teacher and has work on Monday, so Sunday night is a school night (the night I'll be staying over) and that might mess up her schedule. I dunno. I need to decide, I need to make plans.

OK, I've been working on this post since late morning. It's nearing 9:00 now, so I'm gonna post this sucker. And speaking of 9:00, change your clocks. Daylight Saving Time returns overnight.

stuff

I should really post more often. I need the therapy. Also, a lot of shit happens in my life and I need to keep up here.

Sproing was sprung from kiddie jail today. He has a scheduled appearance before the judge on March 11th, which happens to be my baby brother's birthday, to confuse you with unrelated details. Back to Sproing; he's doing pretty well. He is most definitely glad to be back home. He is showing respect for his parents, at least. Let's do the work to keep this up, Java and Superman!

I feel that I'm a neglectful parent. I really am to some extent. My excuse is that I get easily overwhelmed. Is that just a flimsy excuse or a valid reason? I'm not sure. Maybe a bit of both.

My keyboard "m" is wonky. Stingy. I try to use it and it doesn't give me the m. Sometimes. There must be tiny gremlins under the key keeping it from fully depressing. How depressing. My space bar isn't giving me space, either. Hmm. First world problems.

So I was released from the hospital today. Only stayed one day. I had some odd chest pain yesterday (Tuesday) so Superman took me to the emergency department. The EKG in the ER looked good, but they admitted me for observation and testing. I passed the tests. I had a stress test this morning and everything looked good, according to the doctor. The official diagnosis (I think) is PVC, Premature Ventricular Contraction. Because my heart otherwise looks fine, these PVCs are benign. Probably. I am currently wearing a Holter monitor, also known as an ambulatory electrocardiography device (isn't that a fun phrase!) that will check these things. I get to wear it for 24 hours (until 2:30 Thursday afternoon) and can't get it wet. No shower, in other words. Also, I didn't bathe yesterday while in hospital. I had a monitor on then, too, with sticky tabs stuck to my chest. Doesn't mix well with water. So I'm a little bit funky. My scalp bothers me the most, but I will wash my hair in the sink tomorrow (too tired tonight) and everything will be fine.

Reading the above linked website, I learned that some possible causes of PVCs are caffeine (I drink decaf coffee and not much other caffeinated stuff) and electrolyte imbalance. The doctor showed me the blood test results indicating that my magnesium level is slightly low, so that might be something. Alcohol may also be a cause, and indeed I notice the heart palpitations, or flutters, more often after I've had a couple of beers. Stress and insufficient sleep can make them worse. Well, by golly, I've got the stress thing in the bag, don't I? I talked to the day shift nurse this morning. We had a lovely chat. I told her some of the stuff going on in our household, the challenges with Sproing and Diva, etc. Her unofficial diagnosis for the cause of my chest pain is stress. She was kinda funny. "Honey, it's stress that brought you in here!" It was quite an exclamation the way she said it. Maybe you had to be there.

Anyway, I have Trigemini. That's a PVC every third beat. Not all the time, but when it's doing its PVC thing it'll go every third beat. I have actually listened to it and noticed the every third thing. I have a stethoscope and sometimes listen to my heart when it feels fluttery. This often happens at night when I lie down to sleep. The fluttering keeps me awake (how does that help?). In summation, my heart dances the waltz.

Updates on news from the last post:
Twitch needs to get his ass in gear. He's being a lazy SOB. Time for Mama to kick some lazy butt. He needs to be making money, working, getting life experience outside of my house.

Light's art show was fabulous, and it's good that her Daddy was there. She was kinda emotional before the opening reception and he helped diffuse that. He's good for her that way, probably better than I am. The show is actually up until the third week in March, and Superman and I are hoping to 'swing by' when we go to the Bloggerpalooza in Delaware next month. Yeah, western PA is not exactly on the way to Lewes, Delaware. There's a wrench in the works I discovered today. Sproing's court date is the Tuesday before the Bloggerpalooza and we hoped to arrive in Indiana, PA that day. We will see what we will see.
Here are some pictures from Light's art show.

Light herself

 Light's artwork

It's been a busy week?

I don't know anything anymore.

Diva has been doing her shorter school day for about a week now. The special-needs bus brings her home around 1:00 in the afternoon. She hangs around, watches TV, sleeps in the afternoon. I have no gumption to encourage anything else. I don't know what to do with her anyway. If we talk too much we end up fighting, so I'm trying to stay out of her way.

This is fucked up. This is not how I envisioned my life with my adopted children. Things were going to be so much better than this. There have been lots of missteps along the way. I did what I thought was right for a long time, and of course I made mistakes. But at some point a few years ago (probably five years if I had to guess) the balance tipped. I am in over my head with these kids. I don't know what to do and have no confidence to try much of anything anyway.

I read over the past few posts about Diva. I really do sound like a rotten mother. I have a bad attitude, that's for sure.

Sproing has been in jail for three weeks now. Not sure when he'll go before the judge again, but it will probably be within another three weeks. Superman and I had a good visit with him Saturday. He turned 16 a couple of weeks ago and is itching to try for his drivers' license as soon as he gets sprung from juvie. Yeah, we'll see. Really, I don't know. I think there should be an easy answer, that he definitely should (or should not) get his license yet. But I don't know and haven't the mental/emotional fortitude to figure it out. Or to stick with a plan.

And Twitch is home again. I drove down to Charleston last Thursday to get him and all his stuff. He's here. And pretending to look for a job, but not very hard in my estimation. He wants to go to Cincinnati (I don't know where that came from) to get a job, but he has no money, no prospects, nothing to go on. I told him to get a job here, make some money, do a bunch of research and job searching online and when he's got enough cash to make the move and a job to go to, then he'll be ready to go. He's been moping and mumbling around here since Friday. He helped his dad gather firewood on Sunday, that was helpful.

C moved out over the weekend. Twitch is now in the room C and his friend shared. This is the third time, if I recall, that C has lived here then moved away. This time is the worst yet. "How do you mean, Java?" Well, we had to kick him out this time. The other two times he motivated himself to go and had an apartment to go to. Now he moved in with some other friends and the situation is not ideal. It's a fairly small house with way more people than fit comfortably. Of course that could be said about this place. Also, the other residents have three dogs and there's a 5-year-old kid there at least part of the time. C doesn't deal with children well, and he has little patience for dogs (less for cats, but that's another story). C is a cook at the local Shoney's restaurant and doesn't seem to have any further dreams. He almost graduated from college but quit with two classes to go. Or maybe it was one. I don't remember. It looks to me like his life is stuck in idle and no one is at the controls. The clutch operator went out for a smoke break and hasn't returned in a while.

But he's gone from here, so hopefully that will help him kickstart his life again. He was definitely too comfortable here.

So lots of changes in the past week. In all of these things I feel a degree of guilt. Other feelings, too, but definitely guilt. Maybe it's misplaced, maybe not. Doesn't matter. It's what I'm dealing with. And not dealing well, either. On the other hand, I haven't gotten drunk since my last post. I have been eating too much, though. I feel a lot of pain right now, and I'm looking to food for some feel-good. I had a small ice cream thing a couple of hours ago and now my stomach feels unsettled. It didn't taste good enough to make me feel happy, either, so now I'm just sorry I ate it at all. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who can't eat when they're depressed, but really it's all bad, so whatever.

In happy news (the only happy news around here at all) Light had her Master of Fine Arts oral defense this morning. She passed! And her art show is this Saturday. She says everything is set up and looks good. Superman and Twitch will drive to western Pennsylvania on Thursday to spend the weekend with her, see her show, etc. I'm disappointed that I don't get to go, but Superman hasn't been to see her in nearly two years and I've been twice since then. I'll be here with Diva. Hopefully Sproing won't get out of jail until his dad gets back next Tuesday or Wednesday. So I'm happy as hell for Light, and glad that Superman and Twitch get to see her.

Today, that's all I got.

A little bit more then lots of rambling

I took my computer to the repair place today. Probably won't hear anything until late tomorrow at the earliest. So here I am struggling along on Superman's laptop. I miss mine.

Diva saw the doctor. She's sick, but not with the flu. They did a nasal swab. Diva was all like "WTF?" when the nurse came at her with the long one-sided Qtip lookin' thing. I was good and didn't even laugh at her or nuthin'. She had a fever of 101 at the office. We didn't have a working thermometer so I wasn't sure what kind of fever she had. The doc prescribed a course of antibiotics for her. I feel sorry for the poor Diva. She obviously feels like shit. I picked up a new thermometer at the drug store when I got her medicine, and this evening her temp was 102. I gave her some Tylenol PM (the generic version) and she's sound asleep again. I got her some fruit juice and Gatorade and encourage her to drink a lot. Which means she'll wet the bed profusely, which sucks, but she needs to wash this ickiness out of her system.

Light has been in communication this weekend. She and her boyfriend have terminated their romantic relationship. Thing is, he moved into her apartment a few months ago and doesn't have anywhere else to go or enough money to get his own place. So now Light no longer lives with her boyfriend. Now she lives with a roommate who just happens to be her former boyfriend. She said they are on friendly terms, thankfully, which is the only way this roommate situation will work. I met the guy. I like him. But evidently they aren't good as sweethearts.

Light also told me that she'll be graduating either in May or August. I didn't realize she was graduating so soon. I'm so used to her being in Pennsylvania in school, it seems like that's where she belongs. I'm sure she is ever so ready to be done with school now, though.

While at the doctor's office with Diva this morning I got the results of my blood work. I had my annual physical last week with accompanying blood work. My cholesterol numbers are better, not that they were bad before. My glucose was a little bit high, but the nurse did an A1C check while I was there today (it was supposed to be part of the blood work, but didn't get ordered or something) and my A1C was only 5.5!! It's supposed to be less than 6.0, and a few years ago it was hovering at 6 or slightly above. My doctor had me coming in for blood pressure and A1C checkups every 4 months. When I changed my eating habits a couple of summers ago and started losing weight, my bp and A1C numbers went down. Duh. It's what the doc had been telling me to do for years! Last A1C about 4 or 5 months ago was 5.8 if I remember. Today was 5.5! Yay me! No, I am not diabetic. Doc says perhaps I'm pre-diabetic, whatever that means, but it is NOT "diabetus." With my numbers improving, it looks less and less like diabetes. So it's all good.


And now in interesting stuff from my inbox, I present a very expensive house. With what they're calling a "wrap around pool." Call me old fashioned, but to me, a wrap around pool is really a moat. I mean, what else could it be? Perhaps the moat doesn't encircle the palace house entirely, but in the olden castle days of yore not every moat completely circled the structure, right? Especially if there were geological structures that prevented bad guy access to the place, then the moat didn't need to go all the way around. Like for instance a cliff or very large rock beside the castle probably would work as well as a moat right there. So imagine this: a castle surrounded 25% by a steep cliff and 75% by a moat. Trust me, it'll work.

OK, this moat circles the castle. But not all moats did, right? 

Back to the more mundane. I have pictures to share. Not the ones of palaces and moats, but ones I took myself with my camera that I can't find the battery charger for. I can take the SD card out and load the pics to my computer.... wait, I don't have my computer. Shit. I also can't take any more pictures until I figure out how to charge the damn battery. If only I could find the box the camera came in. I bought it in April of this year after the disastrous canoe trip down the Juniper Run when I took my old camera swimming with me. Twitch was living here in my office, using my desk (OK, it's actually his old desk that I took over from him when he moved, but that's beside the point). So I doubt the camera stuff is in the bottom drawer of that desk, which is where I think it ought to be. Maybe it's on the little desk we moved into our bedroom when Twitch moved back home last December. That desk has accumulated a LOT of stuff on its surface. I'd show you a picture, but my camera isn't charged. Actually, I probably wouldn't because it's embarrassingly messy. Anyway, I might try excavating this little desk tomorrow and see if I can find the camera peripherals. Since I'm looking for the camera peripherals I probably won't find them. I'll find many other interesting and useful things, but not what I'm looking for. That's the way of the Java. 

But what I came to tell you is that I have pictures of the room we've been painting. This is the room that Twitch most recently occupied. It was my office before he moved home in December. It's meant to be a formal dining room in the overall design of the house.  We are tentatively planning to move our bed in there when we finish painting it so we can clean out our bedroom and do these major upgrades to the master suite. So right now I don't know what to call that room. Office/dining/bed/guest room? We painted it yellow above the chair rail and gray below. And I intend to put yellow vertical stripes on the yellow field. The yellow was supposed to be cream, but it's a bit yellower than the paint chip implied. Paint does that, I forgot. It's a pleasant yellow. Sproing says it looks like the color of Blue Bonnet Margarine. (I think that's the brand he indicated. We use dairy butter, so I'm not too familiar with margarine brands.) We have many partially empty cans of yellow paint from other projects, and I know there's a very light yellow that I hope works well against the not-cream margarine color. I've painted a test patch of the Blue Bonnet Yellow and need to get out my contrasting yellows to give it a try. My goal is a very faint contrast yellow on yellow, vertical stripes of approximately 12 inches. Coincidentally and conveniently, the paint stir sticks available for free at Lowe's are 12 inches long. Ain't that a treat? 

Superman and I were very efficient this weekend and got that room all painted. We'd done the priming a few weeks ago, just over the very dark blue/gray that was there before. When it was Light's room she painted half of it as a dark storm, the other half as a light blue sky with lighter blue or white sponged over the sky. We didn't need to prime the light parts. The dark bit needed three coats (maybe it was only two) of primer. The whole thing is yellow now and looks all kinds of solid. Nice. No light blue/dark blue bleeding through the yellow. 

It's late, I'm tired, and I don't know if this still makes any sense. Or if it made sense to begin with. 

OH, wait! I have more blood work news to relate. I'm anemic. My new doctor (actually a Physician's Assistant - PA) (because my old doctor, who wasn't old, retired this summer and I'm still in mourning over that) wants me to have a test... EGD? Yes! Thank you Google. It's an esophagogastroduodenoscopy. How cool is that!? I don't know how to pronounce it. Aka an upper G.I. endoscopy. I know how to pronounce that. Anyway, the PA, Jillian, wants to make sure I don't have any internal bleeding. I just had a "scopy" of the other end this summer, so that's been checked out. The procedure is scheduled for Wednesday the 6th. I'll need a driver, and can't eat anything for 5 hours preceding the procedure. (Alliteration, for those English majors out there.) But about the anemia thing, I've been cutting back on my meat consumption and I suspect I just haven't been getting enough iron in my diet. I'd much rather have to eat more leafy greens or take iron supplements than have internal bleeding or esophageal cancer, you know? I'll be sure to update you on this esophagogastroduodenoscopy, though. (Damn, that's fun to type!) 

The anemia would explain why I've been so tired lately. Anemia and staying up too late. Yeah, I'm going to bed now. Goodnight. 

Oh my stars it's been so long since I posted!

Full disclosure: I have had a full bottle of ChocoVine cheap nasty red wine with chocolate milk or something in it. Lovely stuff, though cheap and nasty. The buzz is beautiful, though. I don't want to know the calorie count, so don't even tell me.  It looks like chocolate milk and tastes rich and inviting. Twitch said it tastes like chocolate flavored cough syrup, so I don't have to worry about him getting into it, eh? Hee hee. 

Posting pictures is going to be a problem for a while because I lost my camera. Well, I have the pictures I took before it died. By "lost" I mean this: 
Java goes canoeing swimming! My camera was in a small pack that was in the canoe when it overturned. It got kinda wet. It kinda doesn't work anymore, though I was able to save the SD card. So I have a few pictures to post. The picture above was taken by my loving brother Jim who was in a kayak following our canoe. Hal (a former step brother with whom I lived as a teen) was in the stern of the canoe, I was manning the bow. This was the first time we dumped. Once we got the canoe on the bank, dumped the water out, and got settled in it again, we headed down the river again. Fifteen minutes later we did the same damned thing. That is me with the funny hat on in the above picture. We were carrying most of the lunch stuff. And we spent so much time in the damned water that we really didn't have time to stop to eat lunch. After the second time we dumped into the drink, I moved into my brother Mike's canoe and that worked a bit better. Part of the problem is that I'm a bit too heavy to ride in the bow of a canoe. Woe is me.

All of my brothers, the two biological ones and the three step brothers I grew up with, went canoeing on the Juniper run in the Ocala National Forest the day after Daddy's life celebration party. It was more "closure" than the party was. We had a small packet of Daddy's ashes that we sprinkled into the river. Daddy and Mary (the step brothers' mom, Daddy's second wife) used to take us canoeing on this piece of river when we were kids. That was the reasoning behind the canoe trip and sprinkling his ashes into the river.

I have canoeing experience, but it was so long and so many pounds ago that I've lost my touch. Amazingly, though, I was hardly sore the next day, and not at all sore (except some bruising on my legs) the day after. I did kinda make the trip hard on the brothers though, and I feel bad about that. But I really wanted to go, really wanted to be present for the disposition of Daddy's ashes. I'm glad I went, even if it was more challenging for the brothers.

And can we talk about the brothers for a few? I love my brothers, specifically the two biological ones. The step brothers, for the most part, I like well enough. There's one in particular that I have some "uncomfortable" history with, and I won't go into that here. (If you're terribly curious, email me privately and we'll talk.) Nevertheless, about the brothers: they're pretty damned critical of me. I had a hard time with them  last week. (for reference, I arrived in Gainesville on Wednesday April 17th and departed Wednesday April most recent, whatever that was.) It's a hard time in retrospect. I was too busy living in the moment to realize how troublesome it was at the time. I love my brothers, I really do. And I have a lot of respect for them (the two I'm directly related to, particularly). Here's my take-away impression from my interactions with all five: I am not good enough. I'm not as good as they are at the things they do well. Canoeing is  but one example. Parenting seems to be another, at least in the case of two of them. I certainly don't keep house as well as they do (which, by the way, is true). It seems to me that the only comparisons are the ones in which they shine. What about me? I can do many things well. I'm sensitive and caring, I sew well, am good with arts/crafts. I'm very nurturing, which can be a good thing in moderation (evidently). I am very intelligent. But when I'm with them, we play by their rules, on their playing field. And I fail there. Java < brothers. Java < men. 

Maybe I'm a bit butt-hurt. Maybe I should get over myself. Maybe I should have a really good cry over all of this and move on. What I've been doing is drinking too much.

Let's find some pictures. That might cheer us up a bit.
This is Hal, the step brother with whom I shared a canoe. Also the one with me when the canoe tipped over. Twice. He did not want his picture taken, so he hid every time I pointed the camera backward.

 And here's the river. It really is beautiful.

 Much of the river bottom is clear white Florida sand. Some of it is a thick layer of mucky detritus. It was in the mucky part that we dumped the canoe both times. Icky, and hard to get out of.

Here's my Mama at the life celebration party for Daddy. She's his first wife.

 These are the step brothers, Mary's sons. Mary is Daddy's second wife. She is still alive, but suffering from some pretty severe dementia. Not sure if it's actually Alzheimer's. Hal (the one in the middle) is taking care of her mostly. She's in a nursing home near where Hal lives.

 Left to right that's Dan (the youngest), Hal and Charles (the twins). Charles, by the way, is gay. He's living in Vancouver, BC, Canada and is officially married to his husband Bob (whom I've never met). Dan lives in Gainesville and I've seen him recently, but haven't seen Hal and Charles in over 30 years. Nice, mostly, and also kinda weird to see them again.

Light flew in from Pennsylvania for the festivities! It was really good to see her. Didn't get to spend much time with her, though I plan (hope) to get up to Pennsylvania to see her before too long.

 This is Kathy, Daddy's third and final wife. She is the grieving widow.

And she is, too. She really misses Daddy. She's mad at him because he died, because he isn't coming home. She keeps waiting for him to walk in the door. They really loved each other. They were together for 20 years, twice as long as either of his first two marriages lasted. Kathy is having a rough time. She also has Parkinson's disease which is getting worse. She will soon (I think soon, anyway) need to have a lot more help with daily living tasks. Daddy was planning to be there for her, to help her as long as he could and keep her as independent as possible. I'm not sure what will happen with Kathy. Her oldest son Tom came from Portland, Oregon to be here (there) for the life celebration. I'm really glad Tom was there. He needed to see for himself how fragile his mother is now, how much her disease has impaired her abilities.

I like Kathy a lot. She is very opinionated and outspoken, and some people in my family (some of the brothers) have a hard time dealing with her. She is wise and has a lot of good things to say. She's also full of shit sometimes. The trick is to recognize the difference. I don't have much trouble taking the good and ignoring the bad. I'm worried about her. I want her to be well cared for as much as possible. She has a strong independent streak, so it might be tough for her to let go of some things, to accept her limitations which continue to increase daily. I feel bad for her. Parkinson's is a rotten way to go. Avoid it if possible.

And I have been drinking more. I don't think I'm turning into an alcoholic, but then the alcoholic is the last to know, right? This is the way I'm dealing with the stress. Not healthy. Most of my medications caution against drinking while taking the medicine. Yeah, well, right now I don't care.

In my next post, Sproing! What's he up to now?

A rambling Sunday

I just received a lecture from Twitch on how I should get out more. And I should spend less time on the computer. And that blogging has adversely affected my life. He says the computer is eating my soul. I replied that the cat is eating my soul, starting with my toes.

He's got a lot of damned gall. That's all I can say.

This coming Thursday is graduation day at the college he attended. Most of his friends are graduating then. Thursday is also the day Superman and I are leaving for Delaware, where we will participate in the exciting east coast blogger jamboree. (Spo has a lovely post about the upcoming Blog-o-rama, including a list of the blogs of the attendees.) Twitch really wants to go to Charlotte on Thursday but of course he has no car and can't drive, and we need for him to be here to supervise the Diva/Sproing chaos. Twitch is not happy about this. He suggested we call in a friend to stay with the kidlets, or farm them out until Friday. He supposes he can get one of his friends to bring him back to Greenwood, a 140 mile, three hour trip. I have my doubts. His idea is to ride up with us, since we'll be going through Charlotte on our way to the Mid Atlantic states.

But no, we don't have any resources to get someone else to stay here with the kids. We pretty much have no friends here. That isn't entirely true, but we don't go out much at all and haven't socialized with any of our old friends in a very long time. I can't just call up someone I've not talked to in over a year and say "hey, wanna come over and be subjected to terrible behavior from careless ungrateful teenagers?" Not gonna happen. As unpleasant as this is, he's gonna have to get used to it.

In other news, I got a call from Light this morning. She has a new boyfriend. Actually, I think this is her first boyfriend. She previously had a girlfriend, but they broke up a year or so ago. Last night was the first date with the boyfriend. It lasted until this morning. They talked a lot. He asked her to go steady with him (but not in those words). He is absolutely wonderful, so I was told. I'm very excited for her.

I'm more excited about this boyfriend than I was about the girlfriend. Although I liked the girl, I didn't think she was a good match for Light. I don't have a problem with her being partnered with a girl. At least I like to think it doesn't bother me. The way she talked about this boy, though, she's way more enthused than I ever heard her being about the girl. And being in a heterosexual relationship will probably be easier, socially, than if she were with another woman. Am I talking too much? Am I making excuses? I don't know. It's early yet. But I have a good gut feeling about this fella. I'm going to try to not overthink this thing. We'll see how things progress.

My dad goes into the hospital tomorrow to have a heart valve replaced with a pig part. He's going into the shop for a valve job. Do you remember (are you old enough?) when that guy got a heart transplant from a baboon? I think it was a baboon. It was a huge step in medical science. The guy lived for not very long. Maybe hours, maybe a couple of days. I'd look it up except I'm too lazy. Anyway, Daddy isn't having his entire heart replaced, only one of the valves in his heart. And the donor is a pig. We've been teasing that it's an Arkansas Razorback hog. He'll be yelling "PIG SOOIE" when he roots for his Florida Gators.


Today, 17 March 2013, is our 30th anniversary. Thirty years ago today Superman and I went down to the Fulton County courthouse and were married by the prison chaplain of the Fulton County prison system. It was a cold rainy day. I wore my favorite overalls. I still have them, they're saved in my cedar chest along with my wedding dress. We had one of those traditional wedding things a month later on the 16th of April where all the friends and relatives came and did that celebrate thing. We did that mainly for my Mama. I liked the St. Patrick's Day wedding better, though I have more pictures of the second one. Don't have any pics of the first one, actually.

Betwixt and Between

I like this time between Christmas and New Year's Day, being inside the parentheses of traditionally major celebrations. One of Superman's favorite movies is "While You Were Sleeping" with Sandra Bullock and Bill Pullman. Are you familiar with that one? Sandra Bullock (Superman thinks she's sexy) plays "Lucy" who fantasizes she's in love with a guy who falls off the 'L' platform on Christmas Day. He spends this week between Christmas and New Years in a coma. Suspended animation. While I'm no where near being in a coma, and I have been known to get shit done, it is nevertheless a week of time where ordinary feels out of place.

As long as Superman has worked at his current place of employment, this week has been out of the ordinary at the plant. The first few years he worked there they had "shut down" and he had to work extra hours doing the maintenance shit that has to happen when the machines aren't running. This place runs a 24/7 manufacturing operation that doesn't stop willy-nilly. Then he moved into a position at the company where he had nothing to do during "shut down" so he took the week off. He had to save vacation time to do it, of course. Now that he's been with the company over 18 years he has lots of vacation time to play with. This year, however, the vagaries of production, sales, natural disasters, etc. have changed the traditional down time so the plant is still running. Also Superman's had to take a lot of vacation days for health related problems throughout the year. Health and family emergencies. Refer to the archives regarding drama with the kids. He hasn't got vacation time left to take off this week. But then, as if his subconscious knows he's not supposed to work this week, he caught a doozy of a chest cold and has been in bed most of the week. Including Christmas Day. He went in to work Friday, but only managed half a day before he got so weak and exhausted he had to come home. The fever has quit, he's able to stay awake for hours at a time now, and his voice sort of works again. His normal tenor voice is basso profondo, but he's at least able to speak.

Light and Twitch were both home for Christmas. I drove Twitch back to Charlotte on Thursday. It's the first time since my hernia surgery that I've driven, so of course rather than driving a few miles around town, I drove almost 300 miles, half of that with a loaded pick up truck. Twitch is moving out of his apartment, but with no other plans for housing, he will move in with some friends for temporary. He'll be sleeping on the floor in the living room. So he asked me to bring a bunch of his stuff home until he gets something permanent. Still not allowed to lift over 5 pounds (yeah, like that's happened), I couldn't do much to help him pack his stuff. I got home safely, but of course the others had to unpack the truck. I was OK with this plan.

It was really good having Light home for Christmas this year. She didn't make it home last year until the second week of January. She was only here for about three days, but it was a very good visit. I enjoyed Twitch's company for the most part, and he's much more chillaxed now that he's taking Celexa. Those SSRIs are wonderful. Sproing was a pain in the butt most of the week, and his outbursts really stressed out Twitch. Twitch's stress-out recovery time is shorter now, thank Celexa. Ironically, Sproing is also on Celexa, but it doesn't help him be less annoying. Unless it does and I just don't appreciate the difference. God help us.

Superman has a nasty cough. It's being productive now; I'll spare you the details. The man coughs very loudly. I feel sorry for him. To lessen the chance of contamination he hasn't kissed me in a week. That right there sucks. He's right beside me, but I miss him. Does that make sense? I miss being closer. He's my spouse, but this feels a bit like roommates. Ah, well. He's getting better.

I have read a lot this week. Mostly gay romance. I needed something light and hadn't had a gay romance fix in a while. Problem is, when I'm really into a story I hate to stop so I end up staying up half (3/4ths? 7/8ths?) the night to finish the story. Even when the story isn't that good, dammit! My mom always reads when she goes to bed, but she falls asleep with the book in her hand. Me, I don't fall asleep. Occasionally I'll get tired enough to put the book down, but unless I'm totally spent my brain will keep me awake thinking about the story. In which case I might as well stay up and read, right? Superman, the dear, is able to sleep even if the bedside light is on. Bless his heart. He has no idea (I think) how late I was up last night (this morning). My point is that wow, I'm sleepy. Think I'll go ahead and post this, floss and brush my teeth, shove the cat out of my spot on the bed and go to sleep.

Java! Do NOT pick up your Kindle! 

Finally on my own! (for a little while)

I am writing this from the most adorable coffee shop called The Cathedral Cafe in downtown Fayetteville, West Virginia. I am staying in Babcock State Park in southeast West Virginia in the cutest little rustic cabin. It's a one room cabin with full kitchen, bunk double beds (low clearance) and a lovely screened porch. I took pictures until my camera batteries died. Batteries are on my list of things to get today while I'm out. The cabin has a small (and I mean small) bathroom tacked on as if an afterthought. It has a small shower stall, a low toilet, and a small sink that I wash my face in while sitting on the toilet. Convenient, no? 

On my list of things to do today: go to this café, enjoy the stained glass windows and coffee, and get online! (Except right now the internet connection has gone flunky, so I’m typing this on a word doc until I can hook up again.) I also need to find a laundromat. I stopped at the library in here in Fayetteville to inquire about a laundromat. Nope. No such creature in this town. The nice library man gave me directions to a laundromat in Oak Hill, about five miles down the highway. It’s across the street from a Rite Aid, which is cool because I need one of those too.

I got myself some healthy food at the grocery when I tumbled into town on Tuesday. Or maybe I went Wednesday morning after a good night sleep since I got to the cabin at 8:00 p.m. I don’t remember, honestly. I fixed myself a grilled chicken salad last night, grilling the chicken on the charcoal grill outside my cabin beside the picnic table. Cool beans! Tonight I intend to have a veggie burger (grilled: see above). There’s leftover salad for lunch, or to accompany the burger. I also have plans for an omelet with mushrooms, onions, and tomato.

I leave tomorrow (Friday). Heading back home, where I will once again be reunited with Superman. He and I are both looking forward to that. Before coming to West Virginia I was in Indiana, Pennsylvania with my darling Light. Tuesday was her 23^rd birthday. I was there that morning, left shortly after noon. It was very good to see her.

The ostensible reason for this trip is to take Sproing to Pennsylvania to spend a couple of weeks with his sister Light, away from his sister Diva. Which I did. Sproing and I left South Carolina on Saturday, July 7^th and headed south to Florida. Saw Mama in the Orlando area, my brother Mike came down to hang with us Sunday. On Tuesday Sproing and I went to Gainesville to see my dad and brother. We left there … Thursday? I can’t remember exactly. It took us two days to get from Gainesville, Florida to Indiana, Pennsylvania. By the time we got to Light’s place Sproing and I had traveled together 1700 miles. That’s a loooooooong way to spend in the car with a hyperactive 14 year old!!! We were both tired of being with each other by the time we got to Light’s place.

I am an introvert. We’ve had this discussion before, I believe. That means I like to spend time alone. From the 7^th until the 17^th of July I was in almost constant contact with Sproing. I love the kid, and usually like him pretty well. But my gods! He’s high energy and high maintenance. Light is also a joy to be with, but after so many many many days of not having any alone time I was going bugnuts! As much as I love that girl, I was very glad to leave. I’ve been alone almost constantly since I left her place Tuesday afternoon. Relief!

From all accounts Sproing and Light are doing well together. I set Sproing up with a short term guest membership at the fitness center where Light goes. He spends lots of time over there! He really likes it. When I went to see him there Tuesday morning he was doing drills with one of the guys who works there. They seem to have taken a liking to him, and I believe he’s doing very well. He wants more money so he can join some kind of class there. Light is working with him on that. I left her money to help with his expenses. She’s bribing him daily with an allowance that’s tied to his behavior. She’s such a smart girl.

On the home front, Diva is behaving perfectly for her daddy. Pisses me off, though I’m glad she’s being easy for Superman. Superman himself is doing pretty well. He got sick yesterday, finally. Seems to be some kind of short viral thing. He always gets sick when I leave him. This time he lasted 2.5 weeks before getting sick! I’m so impressed. And this is the longest I’ve ever been away from him, if I recall. It’s hard on him. I’m having a blast, though I miss him. When I’m the one who is away, I don’t have trouble. When he’s gone and I’m at home, I don’t do so well. Especially if he leaves me with those wicked children. Poor guy. I go home tomorrow. I miss him a lot. I wish he could be here with me. We’d have lots of fun in the state park. I think he’d like the cabin, mostly. The low clearance on the bed would be troublesome. He’s a tall fella. I told him that we need to come back in the fall, just the two of us, and get a cabin for a long weekend. Or a whole week! We could get one of the cabins that isn’t so rustic and maybe has a bed that isn’t stacked.

I’m rambling. Again. And I need to do my laundry and get back to the cabin for lunch. So I’m off. Suppose I’ll post again when I get home, probably over the weekend. I expect to be home late tomorrow, as I want to check out another cute town in the other direction from the park on my way out of West Virginia.

I must say, West Virginia sure is beautiful. It has a bad reputation for some things, for sure, but it is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. 

In which we discuss dragons and beatings among other things

"Fairy tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." -- G.K. Chesterton

**

Never a dull moment around here. Unfortunately. Oh, for some of it I am grateful, but for some I'd like it to stop. Just stop. And go away. 


We'll start with Diva. Of course. The short story: Superman got both of the youngsters phones a few weeks ago. Sproing, it's a good idea for him to have a phone. Diva not so much. Not much at all. And I told him this, but he proceeded. She had the phone for maybe a week before she sent and received sexually explicit texts. She was exchanging texts with some guy I'd never heard of. On the advice of her former probation officer (she's off probation now, but this lady is a good resource) I called the police. That's the end of the short story, but I want to tell you more, so the next paragraph will be more and you can skip it if you'd like. 


The police officer saw the questionable photos (there was some video she'd taken of herself, too. Ick.) and wondered about the age of the young man who'd sent a way-too-complete picture of himself. All this took place on the kids' last day of school, last Wednesday. The officer took the phone and a copy of our rules for cell phone use* to the school to talk to Diva. Hee hee. It was "field day" at school, all the kids were outside or in the gym doing fun activities, etc. The officer (he told me later) went in and had a teacher call out Diva, and he and Diva had a little talk. When he brought the cell phone back he told me she was spitting mad. I suspected she would be. I had told him of her previous run-in with the law in which she assaulted me, so he warned her not to take this out on us physically. If he heard about her attacking me (or Superman) he'd come and haul her to jail. By the time she got home from school (about two hours later) she had calmed down to the point that she didn't want to interact with us at all, which was fine with me. She spent the afternoon in her room. Later that afternoon I heard back from the officer that the young man she'd been texting may be older than he looked. The next day a detective came by and we discussed that briefly. The stupid idiot may be an adult, if he's the one they suspect. The detective said that maybe nothing will come of it, as Diva and the old-enough-to-know-better SOB didn't actually hook up. I allowed as how I didn't necessarily want him to get in trouble, but a good scare would do him a world of good. One of Diva's messages to him asked if he was going to "come over and fuck me next week."  


So Diva no longer has her phone. She will not be getting it back any time within the foreseeable future. And I can foresee a pretty long way. 


Poor Superman. He wants for his daughter to be a normal, sweet, fun-loving girl. And he pretends she is, which is where trouble starts. I told him yesterday (after yet another major inconvenience but not-quite-disaster of her making) that he has got to stop pretending she is normal. It leads to trouble. Though yesterday's mishap was partly Superman's doing. He was treating her as a normal child and allowed her too much leeway. He tries so hard. Unfortunately she is NOT normal, and his attempts often go the wrong way. Sigh
Let's move on to other drama that has nothing to do with Diva. 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Both of my gay children, C and Light, are currently in relationships but it's complicated. Light has been engaged to her girlfriend for little over a year, I think, but now that Light is at school in Pennsylvania the relationship is long-distance. And the girlfriend isn't a good communicator under the best of circumstances. They recently dissolved their engagement, but are still together, sort of. You know, it's complicated. And my dear darling Light is hurting. This is hard on her. I wish I could make it better, but I can't. And this sort of experience is necessary for personal growth, so I must not try to fix anything. I just sympathize, and hurt for her pain. 


C has been involved in this pseudo-relationship thing for a few months now. There's this ... boy, really. He just turned 18 in December. C sort of fell in love with him. I told you about him before, called him The Youngster, I think. But The Youngster isn't in love with C, and has been up front about that all along. He likes C, but only as a friend. Well, until recently C and The Youngster had been hanging out together a lot for the past couple of months, but The Youngster went back to his mom's house to help her out. Since then his communications with C have gradually become less frequent and less ... intimate might be too strong a word. C senses that The Youngster is pulling back. I think (for what it's worth) that C has been too solicitous, done too many sweet loving sacrificial things for this kid. It's like he's trying to make The Youngster love him. That does NOT work! And it's a lesson C has to learn for himself. Yesterday was C's 24th birthday. He needs to make friends with people his own age. And The Youngster is from troubled circumstances with associated emotional difficulties, etc. As my therapist said, If they're broken when you pick them up, they are going to stay broken. (Or something like that.) The same applies to falling for drunks and abusers, which happens all the time. I want better for C. He needs to want better for himself. The Youngster is a nice kid. I like him. But he is not a good match for C. IMHO, he has a lot of growing up to do before he is ready for a serious relationship. 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Light's had a rough time of it recently. Her cat got away. He was an inside-outside cat when he lived here, but has been exclusively inside since they moved to Pennsylvania last August. Last Monday Light took out the garbage and the cat snuck out. She didn't realize he was gone until he did not wake her up by sticking his nose in her face Tuesday morning. She's looked around the neighborhood, left food on the porch for him, made "lost" signs, etc. but so far he hasn't returned. She is sad. 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think I broke my toe Friday evening. I was walking through the dark house and stubbed my right pinkie toe on the leg of a chair. I hit it HARD! Yeah, it hurt. And it kept hurting. It hurt all night Friday. I took some ersatz Tylenol PM before bed Friday and slept pretty well despite the pain, but it hurt in my dreams, if you know what I mean. The damn thing hurt all day yesterday, too. It hurts to put weight on that side of my foot. The foot is swollen top and bottom, and the toe itself is fat and black and blue. I had Superman draw a circle around the bruise last night, and sure enough, the bruise has spread since then. I think bruises do that, though. Anyway, it hurt last night, too, and today it hurts, but not as much. Well, not as much if I don't try to move it. I have stayed off of it and kept it elevated all weekend. (translation: I've been lying around on my ass all weekend.) Didn't hurt too bad when I stood on it this morning at first, but after a little while it hurt more again, so I sat down. I watched the Braves beat the Nationals 3-2 this afternoon. That was fun. I've been putzing around on the computer all weekend, too. 


I'll probably try to get in to see the doctor tomorrow. There's nothing to be done for a broken pinkie toe anyway. They might buddy tape it to the next toe to try to keep it stationary. Of course I could do that myself, but right now I'm just lying on my lazy ass not moving anything anyway. I have a Netflix instant-view movie booted up to watch after my haircut which I'll get after I post this. 


Yeah, Superman is going to buzz my hair again with the 1" guard on his hair clippers. The hair has gotten long enough to hold in the heat. It's hot here in The South, so I'm going to shave my head. Well, shave plus 1". It looks pretty butch, but not terribly weird. 


Oh, in other gender-bending news, some junkie bum called me "sir" a couple of weeks ago. I went to Baltimore (again) to be with Indigo after his mother died. Had a good trip. It was helpful, productive, and the right thing to do. But I had a bit of trouble getting out of downtown Baltimore onto the freeway toward Washington, and drove in circles around the junkie bum areas for half an hour or so. Some guy wanted me to give him money, and called me "sir" when asking. I told him no, but got a kick out of his perception. 


OK, on to the haircutting. Ta ta for now (ttfn). 


*GROUND RULES FOR CELL PHONES

1.     Cell phone use is a privilege, not a right.  As such, it can be withheld under some circumstances.

2.     The phones belong to the parents.  We supplied them and we are paying for them. 

3.     The phones are to be used for reasonable communication only.  No explicit, harmful, or illegal use of the phone will be tolerated. That means do not talk or text anything that is sexual. Do not make threats to anyone by text or talk. Don’t use the phone to bully anyone. Don’t talk or text anything that is illegal. For example, don’t try to hook up with someone for sex, don’t talk or text about buying, selling, or taking drugs or alcohol.  If the phone is used to make such calls or send such messages, it will be taken and kept for a period of a few days up to several weeks.  Getting it back will depend on:

a.      How bad the message was;

b.     How many were sent;

c.     What kind of fallout there was from the message;

d.     Whether this was a first offense;

e.      How you behave while the phone is off-limits.

4.     The phones will be turned over to parents at bedtime each night.

5.     On school days, the phones will be available as soon as you arrive home each afternoon.  On the weekend and school vacations the phones will be available after 9:00 a.m.

6.     You will be expected to take the phone with you if you leave the house after coming home from school.  Being able to contact you at our convenience is a major consideration for getting the phones in the first place. Do not ignore calls from your parents! You must answer the phone when we call you!

7.     You will NOT allow other children to use your phone.  If a friend needs to get in touch with another person, and you decide that is all right, YOU will make the call for your friend.  Having you in control of the phone will make sure that someone else does not send inappropriate messages using your number.  Keep in mind that there are legal issues involved.

8.     Please also understand that T-Mobile keeps records of all text messages sent for a period of up to 90 days.  So if we want to find out what you texted, erasing it from the phone will not help to conceal it. So don’t bother to erase messages.

9.     DO NOT MISUSE YOUR PHONE!

We read through this with both kids and had each of them sign our copy, agreeing that they read and understand the rules. And Diva abuses the privilege the second week she had the phone. Oy. 

** If you haven't seen "How to Train Your Dragon" you must do so at your earliest convenience.