Oh my stars it's been so long since I posted!

Full disclosure: I have had a full bottle of ChocoVine cheap nasty red wine with chocolate milk or something in it. Lovely stuff, though cheap and nasty. The buzz is beautiful, though. I don't want to know the calorie count, so don't even tell me.  It looks like chocolate milk and tastes rich and inviting. Twitch said it tastes like chocolate flavored cough syrup, so I don't have to worry about him getting into it, eh? Hee hee. 

Posting pictures is going to be a problem for a while because I lost my camera. Well, I have the pictures I took before it died. By "lost" I mean this: 
Java goes canoeing swimming! My camera was in a small pack that was in the canoe when it overturned. It got kinda wet. It kinda doesn't work anymore, though I was able to save the SD card. So I have a few pictures to post. The picture above was taken by my loving brother Jim who was in a kayak following our canoe. Hal (a former step brother with whom I lived as a teen) was in the stern of the canoe, I was manning the bow. This was the first time we dumped. Once we got the canoe on the bank, dumped the water out, and got settled in it again, we headed down the river again. Fifteen minutes later we did the same damned thing. That is me with the funny hat on in the above picture. We were carrying most of the lunch stuff. And we spent so much time in the damned water that we really didn't have time to stop to eat lunch. After the second time we dumped into the drink, I moved into my brother Mike's canoe and that worked a bit better. Part of the problem is that I'm a bit too heavy to ride in the bow of a canoe. Woe is me.

All of my brothers, the two biological ones and the three step brothers I grew up with, went canoeing on the Juniper run in the Ocala National Forest the day after Daddy's life celebration party. It was more "closure" than the party was. We had a small packet of Daddy's ashes that we sprinkled into the river. Daddy and Mary (the step brothers' mom, Daddy's second wife) used to take us canoeing on this piece of river when we were kids. That was the reasoning behind the canoe trip and sprinkling his ashes into the river.

I have canoeing experience, but it was so long and so many pounds ago that I've lost my touch. Amazingly, though, I was hardly sore the next day, and not at all sore (except some bruising on my legs) the day after. I did kinda make the trip hard on the brothers though, and I feel bad about that. But I really wanted to go, really wanted to be present for the disposition of Daddy's ashes. I'm glad I went, even if it was more challenging for the brothers.

And can we talk about the brothers for a few? I love my brothers, specifically the two biological ones. The step brothers, for the most part, I like well enough. There's one in particular that I have some "uncomfortable" history with, and I won't go into that here. (If you're terribly curious, email me privately and we'll talk.) Nevertheless, about the brothers: they're pretty damned critical of me. I had a hard time with them  last week. (for reference, I arrived in Gainesville on Wednesday April 17th and departed Wednesday April most recent, whatever that was.) It's a hard time in retrospect. I was too busy living in the moment to realize how troublesome it was at the time. I love my brothers, I really do. And I have a lot of respect for them (the two I'm directly related to, particularly). Here's my take-away impression from my interactions with all five: I am not good enough. I'm not as good as they are at the things they do well. Canoeing is  but one example. Parenting seems to be another, at least in the case of two of them. I certainly don't keep house as well as they do (which, by the way, is true). It seems to me that the only comparisons are the ones in which they shine. What about me? I can do many things well. I'm sensitive and caring, I sew well, am good with arts/crafts. I'm very nurturing, which can be a good thing in moderation (evidently). I am very intelligent. But when I'm with them, we play by their rules, on their playing field. And I fail there. Java < brothers. Java < men. 

Maybe I'm a bit butt-hurt. Maybe I should get over myself. Maybe I should have a really good cry over all of this and move on. What I've been doing is drinking too much.

Let's find some pictures. That might cheer us up a bit.
This is Hal, the step brother with whom I shared a canoe. Also the one with me when the canoe tipped over. Twice. He did not want his picture taken, so he hid every time I pointed the camera backward.

 And here's the river. It really is beautiful.

 Much of the river bottom is clear white Florida sand. Some of it is a thick layer of mucky detritus. It was in the mucky part that we dumped the canoe both times. Icky, and hard to get out of.

Here's my Mama at the life celebration party for Daddy. She's his first wife.

 These are the step brothers, Mary's sons. Mary is Daddy's second wife. She is still alive, but suffering from some pretty severe dementia. Not sure if it's actually Alzheimer's. Hal (the one in the middle) is taking care of her mostly. She's in a nursing home near where Hal lives.

 Left to right that's Dan (the youngest), Hal and Charles (the twins). Charles, by the way, is gay. He's living in Vancouver, BC, Canada and is officially married to his husband Bob (whom I've never met). Dan lives in Gainesville and I've seen him recently, but haven't seen Hal and Charles in over 30 years. Nice, mostly, and also kinda weird to see them again.

Light flew in from Pennsylvania for the festivities! It was really good to see her. Didn't get to spend much time with her, though I plan (hope) to get up to Pennsylvania to see her before too long.

 This is Kathy, Daddy's third and final wife. She is the grieving widow.

And she is, too. She really misses Daddy. She's mad at him because he died, because he isn't coming home. She keeps waiting for him to walk in the door. They really loved each other. They were together for 20 years, twice as long as either of his first two marriages lasted. Kathy is having a rough time. She also has Parkinson's disease which is getting worse. She will soon (I think soon, anyway) need to have a lot more help with daily living tasks. Daddy was planning to be there for her, to help her as long as he could and keep her as independent as possible. I'm not sure what will happen with Kathy. Her oldest son Tom came from Portland, Oregon to be here (there) for the life celebration. I'm really glad Tom was there. He needed to see for himself how fragile his mother is now, how much her disease has impaired her abilities.

I like Kathy a lot. She is very opinionated and outspoken, and some people in my family (some of the brothers) have a hard time dealing with her. She is wise and has a lot of good things to say. She's also full of shit sometimes. The trick is to recognize the difference. I don't have much trouble taking the good and ignoring the bad. I'm worried about her. I want her to be well cared for as much as possible. She has a strong independent streak, so it might be tough for her to let go of some things, to accept her limitations which continue to increase daily. I feel bad for her. Parkinson's is a rotten way to go. Avoid it if possible.

And I have been drinking more. I don't think I'm turning into an alcoholic, but then the alcoholic is the last to know, right? This is the way I'm dealing with the stress. Not healthy. Most of my medications caution against drinking while taking the medicine. Yeah, well, right now I don't care.

In my next post, Sproing! What's he up to now?