or Java has issues
Emotional Comfort Zone I am scared. I'm afraid to be in that resort atmosphere because I don't fit in. I'm vulnerable. Can't we just go camping? I'm a complex simple girl. If I don't have to inconvenience myself, sacrifice creature comforts, deny myself some pleasure, then I haven't earned and don't deserve luxury. I've been operating in this mode so long that the means have become the end. I don't want the luxury, I just want the punishment. I think this is not healthy. I can tell I'm close to the mark with this one because it's making me cry. Just a little bit.
Attire I typically dress for comfort. Function over form. I'm also a bit of a mess. Remember Pig Pen from the Peanuts comic strip? I'm not that extreme, but the analogy fits. It doesn'
t work for me to dress nicely. I get my clothes dirty, damage delicate fabrics, and feel uncomfortable. I don't look right, either. Some of that has to do with my size. But "fancy" doesn't suit me. Mostly I wear t-shirts and either jeans or loose skirts. My favorite t-shirts are from the men's department. I especially like the ones with the breast pocket. All in dark colors, of course, because it hides stains better. Does that sound like "resort wear?" Nah, I didn't think so either.
That's about all I have to wear though. I am not prepared to attend a wedding or a funeral or go on a cruise. We need to go shopping. I don't like to shop for clothes. Obviously this isn't about what I like, so just get over it, Java. I have no clue how to dress myself. What styles are more flattering to this whale of a body? What colors work together? What the hell does "smart casual" mean? That's the attire the cruise line suggests for many of the places and activities. And where is the money for this new wardrobe? Actually I'm not too worried about the money. I have a little bit set aside for the trip that I'll use for clothing, and I don't plan to buy very much.
I've asked C and S to accompany me to the store to assist with wardrobe selection. They're the best resource I have. My therapist recommended a store that has a good plus size selection and low prices. That takes care of my worries about getting the proper clothes. I just need to wear them and not get them dirty. Oy. I hope I can talk Mama into letting me skip the formal dinners. That's asking too much from me this time.
Companionship I don't spend all my time completely alone, contrary to what I may have indicated. I am fond of casual conversation with one or two people, even small groups of them on a good day! Here's the thing; I generally prefer the company of men. No offense, gals. I don't do that "girl" thing very well and often don't have much to discuss with other women. There are of course exceptions. Genuine honest folks are easy to be with no matter the gender. They are also rare. There are times when I need to be with men. Just to be, without incrimination.
And there are many men ("guys," unlike most of you who are male people) who are just obnoxious and not nice to be around. I can avoid them. They usually want to avoid me anyway. If I am forced to spend time with my family on this cruise, my uncles are likely to fit this "guy" category, and my aunts and cousin are girls. Mama becomes a girl in the company of these girls. I feel SO out of place. I'll be able to do it for a little while, probably through dinner, though maybe not dessert.
A few weeks ago on Catty Bitch's blog (which he has discontinued L, so no linky link) he had a marvelous definition of the various women who congregate around gay men. Let me see if I can get the gist of it. A fag hag is a woman who desires a romantic relationship with her fag. Not a good thing, I think you will all agree. A fruit fly is a woman who prefers the company of gay men because they are kind, compassionate, sympathetic all around wonderful men, as opposed to the "guys" mentioned in the previous paragraph. There was another category, she who likes gay men for similar reasons but is a pretty damned flamboyant diva herself. I don't remember that one too well because it didn't fit me at all. Catty Bitch said it better, but this is close. According to this definition I am a fruit fly.
I've gotten really comfortable with the gay men I know and have come to depend on regular interaction. When I go away from home for any length of time I miss C and S so much! In a way, I miss them more than I miss Superman. (But not in other ways!) It's getting a little bit better now as they are becoming more independent. I don't see them as often as I used to even when we are all at home.
Most of the guys I interact with now are you bloggers, and I plan to take the laptop and stay in touch. So I'll get my "fix" with you, but it isn't quite the same as being with another human in the flesh. As big as that ship is, as many passengers as will be onboard, I'll probably be able to meet some nice fellows, and probably members of The Family. My therapist said the bartenders will probably be gay! She recommended that I drink a lot. Do you wonder why I see her? I'm tempted to wear a pin or tag of some kind that says "Friend of the Family" with "Family" written in rainbow colors. Don't have a pin like that, but whatever. I'd probably be too shy to wear it anyway.
That's all for now. There is a little bit more I'd like to say in the Resisting Fun series, but it will wait for another post.
