More updates, per request

After reading my last post, the update on my four children, Mark asked about C, the young gay man who lived with us for a while. "A while" turned out to be 12 years, off and on.

Here's some background, for those who may be new or have forgotten the story. I'll try to be brief. In the spring of 2005 C told his mom he was gay. He had previously come out to my daughter Light. They were good friends in high school. C told his mom not to mention it to the stepdad, who's a douche canoe, but she did and stepdad said "not in my house!" So things prevailed and he ended up here.

Up until then Superman and I had been active members of the PCA, a conservative Presbyterian denomination. You know, conservative Christian: anti-gay, anti-abortion, etc. I hadn't personally considered my thoughts on homosexuality in a long time, just went with the flow of what the church taught. But then I met C, and quickly began to question that ideology. I pretty much immediately fell in love with C as a human being. (Not romantic love, none of that foolishness. Good grief, he was 17 years old! And gay!) No, my Mama Bear instincts kicked in. In short, he moved in with us. It was spring of his senior year in high school, he was a few months away from graduating and turning 18 when he was kicked out of his home. What kind of hateful crazy is that?

He had begun a relationship, his first gay love, about that time. So then his boyfriend moved in too. All four of our kids were still here. Light is a year younger than C. It was kinda crazy, especially with Sproing and Diva being batshit emotionally disturbed. I was heavily medicated.

After a couple of years maybe (I didn't keep close track of the timing of these things) C and his boyfriend moved to their own place. Shortly thereafter they broke up. C lived in a couple of other places for another few months, but was not doing well. He was being evicted from an apartment and was hungry. He finally, the prideful fool, called me. Good grief. And I told him to stay in contact, but ... I dunno. He was young and proud and foolish. So yeah, he moved back in.

Moved back in, started another relationship, long distance, with a minor (17 yr old) in North Carolina. Can't remember what nickname I called him. C and I drove my truck up to his home near Charlotte, NC and moved him out of his mom's house on his 18th birthday. Mom was upset, called the cops, but there wasn't anything they could do because he was an adult, legally.

I consulted with one of my blogger buddies with a law background about all of this. He cautioned me to NOT bring the boy home until after he was an adult. Especially crossing state lines, man, I could have gotten in a heap o' trouble.

That relationship was doomed from the start, really. The education/intelligence/maturity difference between the two boys was insurmountable. But C was 18, maybe 19 by then, and knew everything so I let him learn on his own. The two of them lived here for a little while, then moved into another apartment as roommates with another gay couple their age. In true daytime drama fashion, that exploded. C developed a loathing for the NC boyfriend and a huge crush on the younger man of the other couple. By "younger man" I mean he wasn't even 18 yet. And it was an unrequited crush.

C broke up with the NC boyfriend a few days before NC's birthday in October. The kid was crushed. As contentious as the relationship had become I don't understand why he was so surprised. So C moved back here and so did the other young fellow. They were "just friends" according to Young Guy, but C carried a torch, you know? They were here for a lot of months, maybe as long as a year, when Young Guy moved out. I can't remember how things situated with C at that point, but I know he moved out a little while later. Each time he moved out he'd not stay in contact. Pissed me off. And he didn't keep a consistent phone number, not being able to afford to keep the phone on. Typical of independent young people in my experience.

He showed back up on our doorstep, hungry and homeless once again. This was right after Diva moved out for good. I had C physically clean and spiritually cleanse her room. We repainted it for him to move into that room. Such better energy with him there than when she was living in it, OMG! Diva moved out toward the end of the year in 2015, about a month before her 18th birthday. He moved in before Christmas, if I recall. He was here until last spring, I think, so about a year and a half.

Then his mother called. Remember his mom? The one who together with her husband the douche canoe kicked C out a decade ago? Well, her husband decided to divorce her. Why she ever married the fool in the first place I will never know, nor why she stayed with him for so long. OK, I know why she stayed. Because Jesus said so. Which is of course why she kicked C out of the house, too. So now she's getting divorced and moving into her own apartment. She's a registered nurse working in one of the hospitals in the Charleston, SC area. She has never lived alone. She lived with her mom until she married C's dad. They divorced when C was 5 or 6? Maybe 7, I dunno. She then married Douche Canoe almost immediately (that's how the young C remembers it). Now she's middle aged and alone, so she decides that C should come "home" to live with her in Charleston.

He has been working at Captain D's seafood establishment (I hesitate to call it a restaurant, though technically it is, I suppose) since he was in high school, again, off and on. By now of course he's an assistant manager. Or a manager but not the big boss manager. I don't know how these things work. Anyway, he was able to transfer to a store in the Charleston area. He's been living with his mother (OMG how did that happen? What were you thinking?) for going on a year here in the spring. I talk to him occasionally, once every couple of months. He says he and mom are getting along well. They disagree about many things, but respect each other's differences.

They always had a good relationship as C was growing up, right there until the end. They're mother and son, but also good friends. I'm happy for him, He seems to be doing well. He concentrates all his energy on work, hasn't made any friends of his own as far as I can tell. Last time we talked I encouraged him to get out and meet people. Now that he lives in the greater Charleston area there's a better chance of meeting like-minded (gay) people. He'll be 30 years old this June. IMHO he needs to get a life.

I love him dearly, like a son even. I miss him. I'm glad he has a good relationship with his mother and I wish he'd spend more effort maintaining the relationship we have. I should call or text him more often, myself.

And that's the story of C up to this point.

National Coming Out Day

Hello. My nom de blog is Java, and I am a heterosexual with homosexual sympathies.

My primary reasons for blogging are to make contact with the larger gay community, to develop friendships with others who are homosexual or allies, and to become better informed about homosexuality in general. My goal, the "what I want to do when I grow up" thing, is to assist those in the glbt community with adjustment problems, coming out, etc. I'm kinda vague about details, which is one of the reasons I am hanging around the blogosphere with the fabulous gays, so I can learn more about the whole phenomenon.

Recently this space has been filled with content about my family, particularly the younger children with severe emotional/mental disabilities. This blog is about my life, or something like it, and my life right now is concentrated on the kids and my college experience. There hasn't been as much "gay" here as I like, but it is what it is. There hasn't been as much "gay" in my life as I like to have, either, dammit.

And speaking of college, I need to study. With that I bid you adieu.

NCOD

It's a little late in the day, I suppose, but when is it too late to make a statement about coming out?

As I mentioned to someone this week, I'm a huge proponent of coming out. Recently there have been some high profile coming out events. My most recent favorite is Father Geoffrey Farrow of Fresno, CA, the Catholic priest who basically came out to his congregation during the worship service last Sunday. That took some serious testicular fortitude.

When there are high profile instances of coming out, does that make it easier for the average Joe Blow or Jane Doe to come out to his or her family, friends, coworkers? I guess it depends on all sorts of situational variables. 

Anyway, on this National Coming Out Day 2008, this is my statement:

I am not gay. However, I support those who are homosexual or transgender. I encourage the acceptance of homosexuality as a normal and natural variation of the human condition. I support actions, events, legislation, institutions that lead to equal civil rights to homosexuals and the transgendered. 

And I think I've mentioned here before that my goal in life is to end homophobia in the western world. I intend to get as close as I can to that goal.

Here's what it's about

"When we find ourselves believing that killing a man makes us more of a man but loving a man makes us less of a man, it's probably time to reexamine our criteria for manhood." Jay Smooth, from ill*doctrine.

Just found this on RG's blog. (NSFW) This guy sounds like he's got some good things to say. I haven't looked at anything else yet, I just found his site. I look forward to checking out more of his stuff though.

gay secrets

I have a question about being gay with straight people.
To start with, let me tell you what I have learned about gays and lesbians who are out and open about their sexuality. Correct me, please, if I’m wrong.
· Homosexuals are people who happen to have same sex attractions.
· While there are some well earned stereotypes, there is a huge range of behaviors, mannerisms, preferences, taste, and attitude among the homosexual population.
· It is difficult to be openly gay/lesbian in our society, especially outside of large metropolitan areas.
· A lot of people, individually and in organized groups, hate and/or fear homosexuals. (These people are either ignorant or idiots)
· Gays and lesbians have been and are being hurt both physically and emotionally as the result of this homophobia.
· There is no devious homosexual agenda. The only devious agenda I see is the right wing groups, typically religious, who try to deny certain inalienable* rights to those with same sex attractions.
· Homosexuals want to be treated like normal human beings in the course of everyday life. Because they are. Duh.
There is more, but that’s what I came up with off the top of my head just now.
Probably in large part because of the societal alienation (not alien nation. That’s in Roswell) there is camaraderie among gays and lesbians. Sort of like an exclusive club. While not exactly members of the club, there are heterosexuals who are friendly to the group. People who have close friends who, by the way, are gay. Not necessarily people who say “some of my friends are gay” when trying to impress someone. Those people are either ignorant or idiots. But I digress.
How does a gay person recognize an accepting straight person? I know about gaydar. I’m aware of certain social clues that indicate a person I meet might be gay or lesbian. How do they recognize me? What do I say or do or even look like to indicate an accepting attitude toward homosexuals?

*Someone should devise a tongue twister using the word “inalienable.” Or use it as a sobriety test.

Resisting Fun Part 2

or Java has issues

Emotional Comfort Zone I am scared. I'm afraid to be in that resort atmosphere because I don't fit in. I'm vulnerable. Can't we just go camping? I'm a complex simple girl. If I don't have to inconvenience myself, sacrifice creature comforts, deny myself some pleasure, then I haven't earned and don't deserve luxury. I've been operating in this mode so long that the means have become the end. I don't want the luxury, I just want the punishment. I think this is not healthy. I can tell I'm close to the mark with this one because it's making me cry. Just a little bit.

Attire I typically dress for comfort. Function over form. I'm also a bit of a mess. Remember Pig Pen from the Peanuts comic strip? I'm not that extreme, but the analogy fits. It doesn't work for me to dress nicely. I get my clothes dirty, damage delicate fabrics, and feel uncomfortable. I don't look right, either. Some of that has to do with my size. But "fancy" doesn't suit me. Mostly I wear t-shirts and either jeans or loose skirts. My favorite t-shirts are from the men's department. I especially like the ones with the breast pocket. All in dark colors, of course, because it hides stains better. Does that sound like "resort wear?" Nah, I didn't think so either.

That's about all I have to wear though. I am not prepared to attend a wedding or a funeral or go on a cruise. We need to go shopping. I don't like to shop for clothes. Obviously this isn't about what I like, so just get over it, Java. I have no clue how to dress myself. What styles are more flattering to this whale of a body? What colors work together? What the hell does "smart casual" mean? That's the attire the cruise line suggests for many of the places and activities. And where is the money for this new wardrobe? Actually I'm not too worried about the money. I have a little bit set aside for the trip that I'll use for clothing, and I don't plan to buy very much.

I've asked C and S to accompany me to the store to assist with wardrobe selection. They're the best resource I have. My therapist recommended a store that has a good plus size selection and low prices. That takes care of my worries about getting the proper clothes. I just need to wear them and not get them dirty. Oy. I hope I can talk Mama into letting me skip the formal dinners. That's asking too much from me this time.

Companionship I don't spend all my time completely alone, contrary to what I may have indicated. I am fond of casual conversation with one or two people, even small groups of them on a good day! Here's the thing; I generally prefer the company of men. No offense, gals. I don't do that "girl" thing very well and often don't have much to discuss with other women. There are of course exceptions. Genuine honest folks are easy to be with no matter the gender. They are also rare. There are times when I need to be with men. Just to be, without incrimination.

And there are many men ("guys," unlike most of you who are male people) who are just obnoxious and not nice to be around. I can avoid them. They usually want to avoid me anyway. If I am forced to spend time with my family on this cruise, my uncles are likely to fit this "guy" category, and my aunts and cousin are girls. Mama becomes a girl in the company of these girls. I feel SO out of place. I'll be able to do it for a little while, probably through dinner, though maybe not dessert.

A few weeks ago on Catty Bitch's blog (which he has discontinued L, so no linky link) he had a marvelous definition of the various women who congregate around gay men. Let me see if I can get the gist of it. A fag hag is a woman who desires a romantic relationship with her fag. Not a good thing, I think you will all agree. A fruit fly is a woman who prefers the company of gay men because they are kind, compassionate, sympathetic all around wonderful men, as opposed to the "guys" mentioned in the previous paragraph. There was another category, she who likes gay men for similar reasons but is a pretty damned flamboyant diva herself. I don't remember that one too well because it didn't fit me at all. Catty Bitch said it better, but this is close. According to this definition I am a fruit fly.

I've gotten really comfortable with the gay men I know and have come to depend on regular interaction. When I go away from home for any length of time I miss C and S so much! In a way, I miss them more than I miss Superman. (But not in other ways!) It's getting a little bit better now as they are becoming more independent. I don't see them as often as I used to even when we are all at home.

Most of the guys I interact with now are you bloggers, and I plan to take the laptop and stay in touch. So I'll get my "fix" with you, but it isn't quite the same as being with another human in the flesh. As big as that ship is, as many passengers as will be onboard, I'll probably be able to meet some nice fellows, and probably members of The Family. My therapist said the bartenders will probably be gay! She recommended that I drink a lot. Do you wonder why I see her? I'm tempted to wear a pin or tag of some kind that says "Friend of the Family" with "Family" written in rainbow colors. Don't have a pin like that, but whatever. I'd probably be too shy to wear it anyway.

That's all for now. There is a little bit more I'd like to say in the Resisting Fun series, but it will wait for another post.

And speaking of the birhday boy...

Since there seems to be little blog activity tonight because everyone else is out celebrating life, and I obviously have no life, I've been doing some random surfing. It started with an inquiry about Festivus, and led me here.

This is an essay I found at a blog called 23/6, "some of the news/most of the time." It is necessary that I share it with you.

By: Ian Gurvitz Bio
What if Jesus
Were Gay?

Though I never read The DaVinci Code, my understanding is that it was about some double secret Vatican cult dispensing an albino hit man to terminate with extreme prejudice anyone who might have proof that Jesus was married, had a kid, and descendants living in France. Or something like that. All that fuss and murder over one non-immaculate conception. Imagine how many people would have to be smoked if it turned out there was proof Jesus was gay. And there is ample evidence. He didn't have a kid. He was in his 30s and didn't even have a girlfriend. He had one female BFF -- a whore. (Maybe history's first fag hag.) He wore a Caftan, hung out with 12 guys, had long flowing hair, kissed a guy in a garden, and felt alienated, even forsaken, by his father. He talked about loving one's neighbor, but cleverly didn't specify the sex of that neighbor. He talked about having compassion for people. Most of the gay guys I know are very compassionate people. And upon getting a sense of his impending death, did he go out and get wasted? Gamble? Get laid? Buy a fast camel and tear up the desert? No. He threw a dinner party for his 12 guy friends.
It's all there in the book. You don't even have to crack the code. But it's still ok. Even if Jesus were gay, it wouldn't make him a bad person. It would make him the same good person, who wasn't attracted to women. Makes you wonder why more Christians don't get that. Though it does clear up quite a bit. Like the Haggards and Craigs of the world. It's a very neat little syllogism: These guys are true Christians; these guys are gay; ergo, true Christians are gay. QED. (Or maybe it's: gay people are true Christians?) Either way, it certainly explains the pope's outfit.
And if that weren't proof enough, there's the First Baptist Church of Fort Lauderdale, which recently spent $1.3 million on its annual Christmas pageant, with veteran Broadway choreographers directing the moves of 600 dancers. According to the church's senior pastor and show's executive producer Larry Thompson: "I think Jesus would come to the show [and say], 'Authentically you got it right." Ok... though I don't exactly remember a chorus line in the manger, and I do wonder if Jesus might have suggested using the $1.3 million to feed the poor instead of mounting a glitzy Vegas-style passion play, when it comes to the interpretation and understanding of religion in this country, I guess we have to allow for some creative license.
Have an absolutely fabulous Christmas.

Life with young gay teenagers

Living with teenagers is a pain in the ass. Living with troubled children is a pain in the ass. Living with a troubled young gay teenager is paining me terribly.

This latest bit of angst is with S. He is a senior in high school, and has been a less than model student most of his life. As I have mentioned in other posts, none of his close family members has ever graduated from high school. He is almost finished. He can do it. He's very smart, but he's very insecure (though he'd die before admitting it.)

He started off the school year with a great burst of enthusiastic energy. His early grades were wonderful. I saw a report from his geometry teacher yesterday. He has failed every assignment and/or test for the last 3 weeks. It isn't that he's too stupid to understand the concepts. He might have to study, to work his brain to comprehend, but he's got the native intelligence to do it. But he has been very irresponsible the last few weeks.

About a month ago C, S, and I went to Columbia (SC, capital city) for a gay pride festival. It was my first! Theirs, too. They met a group of other young people from our area. The gay community in Greenwood is so underground we had to go to Columbia to find others from around here. Anyway, the boys have been spending a lot of time with their new friends. I am glad they are making new friends, friends who have so much in common. This is a healthy thing, but they are being unhealth-ily excessive about it.

They've been staying out all night with these new friends. They got home yesterday at 5 a.m. I know this because I was up, getting ready for work at the time. They hadn't been to sleep yet. And this was a Wednesday morning. S got about 2 hours of sleep before he had to get up for school. This sort of thing has been happening 2, 3, 4 times a week for a month. It is no wonder his grades are slipping.

I have been pouring my heart into helping this kid. There are at least 3 people at the school who are bending over backward to help him. Three "social service" types, one of them is his guidance counselor, have gone to bat for him, helping him get medical attention (he of course has no insurance, and no money of his own.) They've intervened with his teachers, the guidance counselor is working her butt off helping him make up some classes he failed last semester, trying to keep him from having to take the whole class over again. And in all of this, S just goofs off.

I'm afraid he's rebelling, or acting out his insecurities, or some such psycho-bull-shit. And I know he is a teenager; 17, almost 18. Therefore of course he is an idiot, as is my son Twitch. But it is time for him to grow up, at least a little bit. Time for him to act responsible for himself and to the people who are trying to help him.

I had a brief talk with him last night. They got home before 10, like he said they would. First time he's told the truth about his comings and goings in a week. So last night I tried to talk to him. I went in to their room, asked him if he was willing/able to hear me at this time. He said he was. I sat down, looked at him, and couldn't think how to begin. So finally I said "You tell me what I'm going to say to you. You give me the lecture." He asked which one. I laughed, said there were a few that applied right now. He said "Is it the one about responsibility?" Yea, that's one of them. I was trying really hard not to cry. I have been very upset about this. I hate to get all teary and cry when I'm trying to discuss issues I care deeply about, with people I love deeply. Finally I reminded him of a talk we had last week, wherein I discussed all the people who are working to help him right now. I told him that I love him very much, that I am pouring large bits of myself into his life. He interrupted me to say "No one appreciates that more than I do." (Cue the tears. Try to get a grip. Continue, shakily...) Well, dammit, show me! Show me with your actions, your behavior. Quit lying to me about how you are going to buckle down, nose to the grindstone, etc. DO IT, don't talk about it. I told him I feel as though he is taking everything I've done, all my love for him, and throwing it back in my face. Then I told him that's all I'm going to say right now, and I left. No long lecture. (this is progress for me. I tend to go on and on, ad nauseum)

When I said he's throwing it all in my face, he diverted his gaze. He's a manipulative little bastard, very good at lying and charming his way out of crap and into good graces. And I'm a sucker, I let him do this to me more than I should. But not this time. I'm sick of it. I am very hurt, very insulted. I know he doesn't mean to, but the point is he (is an idiot) is insulting me and my family. When he couldn't look at me I know I got through. Don't know what he'll do with that. I am willing, nay eager to talk to him, to talk through emotional stumbling blocks, issues, fears he has about proceeding with his life. Honestly, he probably doesn't even know why he's acting this way. He's very proud, hates to admit weakness. I suspect he's afraid we will stop loving him if he admits (perceived) weakness. He is, after all, only 17. I have told him, maybe not often enough, that I love him no matter what. No matter what he does or doesn't do, can or can't do. But this is a relatively new concept for him, and he's had 16 years of the opposing view from people who are supposed to love him unconditionally. He needs to hear it again and again.

Anyway, I'd appreciate comments and/or suggestions. Thanks.

some substance

It is my bed-time. The alarm goes off at 4:15, so I try to go to bed, to sleep, around 9:00. Rarely am I successful. Especially since I got so involved with the blogosphere.

I have a list of blogs I like, which I may at some later point add to my blog. Most of my favorites are written by fascinating, thoughtful gay men. I try to check most of them every day or two. Once again I have spent my entire Sunday checking out blogs.

My gay history: My boys like to say I am a gay man in a woman's body. Until spring of 2006 I was a fundie anti-gay Christian. Then I met my boys. My oldest daughter, "Light," was good friends with a young man, C. They were both in high school, and active in a large Baptist church in town. Then C came out of the closet. That was met with mixed reactions. Many of his friends were fine with it. His church was not. His mother was, OMG, not OK with this! She and her husband (C's step-dad) kicked him out. He was 17, a senior in high school, newly in love with his first real boyfriend. I was getting to know him pretty well, and falling in love with him. So my husband "Concolor" and I invited him to stay with us. We also met, and fell in love with, C's boyfriend S.

I loved and accepted C. But homosexuality was against what I had been taught in the church, all I believed. But I knew with all my heart that God made C. But how did C become gay? Was he really born that way? When did he first know? I had a ton of questions for him, and he graciously answered every one. And I answered all his questions, supported him, helped him through this coming out process. We spent hours and hours talking. I didn't get much sleep.

I had lots of questions about homosexuality. I needed to know if one is born gay or becomes gay. I checked out a lot of websites, both pro- and anti-gay. The pro-gay sites made more sense to me. I read books. The first one I read was Born Gay by Glenn Wilson and Qazi Rahman. That's heavy stuff. I started Queer Science by Simon LeVay. Still working on that one, very slowly. I've also read a couple of books by Ritch Savin-Williams.

We started going to P-FLAG meetings. I kept researching. I asked a lot of questions of Google, C, S. Wish I'd found these blogs earlier! But maybe I wasn't ready. I have learned a lot.

Interestingly, Light came out to me as bi-sexual shortly after C moved in. At the time I told her "I have too much other stuff going on in my life right now to worry about that." Or something of the sort. We have talked about it, and I have become more comfortable with it. I did say something along the lines of "it may only be a stage of your development," but in my memory I didn't dismiss the whole concept. I wasn't too upset, anyway.

(One thing about me: I tend to make short stories long. I ramble, especially when I am tired.)

As of now, C is still with us. He is a sophomore at the university in town. His boyfriend S lives here, too, and is trying to finish his senior year in high school. Light is a freshman at a women's college in-state. (Is that perfect for her, or what? All women, all the time.)

Also in the home are my three other children. My son "Twitch" is a junior in high school, age 16. My other son "Sproing" is 9, in the 4th grade. My youngest daughter "Diva" is also 9, also in 4th grade. There will be many more posts about them in the future, I am sure.

There are 7 of us living in a 1600 sqare foot house. With Light in college, she is a part-time 8th. My life is not boring.

Ooops! Past bed-time. Going to pretend to get ready for bed now.