Java, filter set to "random"

This must be the trick to actually writing a blog post, rather than just thinking about what you'll say in a blog post: when first you connect to the interwebs, do not open ANY other windows. Just the blogger "new post" window. That's all. Whatever you do, don't open email or facebork or Pinterest.

OMG Pinterest. It's a deep winding rabbit hole.

Why does habit have one "b" when rabbit has two?

So I went to the grocery store this morning. Well, it seemed like morning to me, but I didn't get my lazy ass out of bed until 11:00 so there you go. There's a new Mal-Wart on our side of town. I may have mentioned it before, I don't know. It's closer, and cleaner. Being new and all.

And guess who I ran into at Mal-Wart!? Mrs. Betty B! I haven't seen her in a few years, not since we stopped going to church about nine years ago. She said we should come visit the church, and I asked "Even if I'm apostate?" She smiled at me and said "Oh heavens! Why would you say that?" I just smiled. I saw her property on the map the other day and thought of her, wondered if she was even still alive. She's been old as long as I've known her (20 years, approximately) but she's still going strong, living independently, going to church. She's a sweet thing. I told her honestly that I love her.

I've been somewhat reclusive recently. If I have to go out for an appointment or something, I go. And while I'm out I might run another errand or two. Otherwise I stay home. This morning I got dressed and since I was dressed anyway I went to the store. We were out of bread. And sour cream. And, evidently, Little Debbie Nutty Bars, because they followed me home.

And Cheerios. I got the store brand of oat loops or whatever they're called from Aldi recently. They don't taste like real Cheerios. I've gotten the honey nut cereal, and the Aldi brand is OK, but has lots of sugar and I'm trying to cut back. (Pay no attention to the Nutty Bars behind the curtain.) So there I was in the cereal aisle (my but that's an odd word) looking for genuine General Mills Cheerios like Grandma used to make serve. Used to be you could walk down the cereal aisle and causally pick up the yellow box that says "Cheerios". Now there are at least half a dozen (I didn't count) different kinds of Cheerios. Even chocolate ones! Now I love chocolate, as you should know by now, but chocolate Cheerios seems mighty close to an abomination to me. Multi-grain are pretty good, actually, and of course there's the honey nut. I can't remember what other flavors I saw. Not counting the store brand and other brand oat Os. Goodness. Thankfully the original plain Cheerios still come in the familiar yellow box.

Mrs. Betty B asked after the family, of course. " So-and-so asked after ______" is a common southernism. Do y'all say it that way up North? Yes, we're doing well. Superman still works where he has since we moved here, Light is in Pennsylvania finishing her graduate degree. Twitch is at the local Arby's. Diva moved to be with her birth mother, which is a good thing (I hasten to tell her). Poor ol' Sproing has made some poor decisions and is awaiting trail at the county jail. Oh, poor Mrs. Betty B got so concerned. I hated to worry her so. Though she didn't say so, I'm pretty sure she'll pray for us. She's a sweet old thing, and I'm happy to have run into her.

Last weekend we visited the in-laws. It didn't even hurt too much. Actually, I behaved myself admirably. Everyone had other things to talk about and I'm good at the "smile and nod" thing. I can even ask pertinent questions sometimes. At one point the mil scolded Superman and gave him advice about Twitch. That was uncomfortable for both of us (probably not mil, though). I knat a little bit, starting a slouch hat/beanie thing. We saw the nieces, too. They are charming. The youngest one (in her first year of college) has potential to be a very interesting person. With her mother sitting beside her and in the presence of the grands, we were restricted to "polite" conversation.

I'll tell you something funny. My sister-in-law... well, she's a nice lady with many fine qualities. Very morally upright. She came in the house when I was in the back somewhere. She stood by the kitchen table, and when I came up the hall I saw her there, in high heeled boots (modest, mind you) and her hair all big like usual, makeup in top order. She's lost some weight so her midsection is nicely proportioned. She still has a considerable bust, which her fashionable clothing accentuated. With my glasses still on order I wore my contacts, which I'm not as accustomed to. My sil looked for all the world like a drag queen standing there in the kitchen. Oh but it was hard not to laugh! And of course I couldn't say anything about it, not in that company.

As I said, I've been reclusive recently. That means I've been in my room most of the time, reading books or being sucked down the interweb tube. Oh, and watching a little bit of the baseball playoff games. I am happy the Cubs won the National League Central Division title. Other than that, not much.

I watched the movie Boulevard, starring Robin Williams. I didn't know before I watched it, but it is an LGBT themed story. Bit of a tragic story, very well done. A serious role for Mr. Williams. He did those well. I mourn his passing. I just rented Night at the Museum - Secret of the Tomb, mainly to see him again.

And that's all I know.

Just another manic Friday

I did a bit of school-supply shopping this afternoon. I couldn't bring myself to brave the Evil Retail Empire, so I got the stuff from the office supply retailer. It's a friendlier, smaller store. I got stuff for Diva. Sproing got all of his supplies for the school year at the end of his summer program. I'm glad I don't have to buy double this year.

Diva saw her new therapist yesterday. From what I heard, (about it, not listening in or anything) the new therapist has a keen bull shit detector. She mentioned that Diva was blowing bullshit bubbles. I love that mental image.

So I took some Lorazepam yeasterday. Eh. I was already sleepy, so sleeping wasn't any different. I really didn't feel anything. Took another dose this morning, and can't tell any difference. WTF. I've been on edge all day, very impatient, and have come close to crying (for no logical reason) a couple of times. I see no difference.

I'm tired again, but I won't bore you any more with that.

I got my final grades. I did well on the stats exam, and ended with a 97 in the class. I fudged enough stuff in economics and pulled a 93 outta my ass for that one. Still A's. I'm happy.

I went to the fabric store when I was out earlier today. They had a bunch of stuff marked down 50%. I got a couple of nice pieces of linen. Yes, real linen! It feels so good! I got three yards of some bold purple 100% cotton diamond pique. It is a good bottom weight fabric, and I may make a skirt from it. Or perhaps I'll make a jumper for the Darling Diva. I'll probably think about it for a long time, make elaborate plans for it, but never actually do anything. That's my style.

That's all I know right now. ta-ta

Resisting Fun Part 3

or Java can be a real bitch to deal with

Phobia I have known some people and heard stories of others who have debilitating phobias. Mine aren't that bad. I have a fear of heights, but it isn't too bad. I just don't get too close to the edge of a precipice. That just makes sense. Bridges make me uncomfortable, but I manage them pretty well when I need to.

But let's talk about agoraphobia. Crowded places, lots of people milling around. Ick, shudder, swoon. Big wide open public places full of strangers doing strange things. Ugh. Well, it isn't completely debilitating (usually) and I have acclimated myself to Wal-Mart, (Talk about your big wide public crowded strange-people places!) so maybe there is hope for me.

And I have a plan, sort of. Usually in large crowded places there are some more intimate closer spots. If I am with people who are comfortable to me within that group, that helps a lot. I can often manage to act sane for a short while. I'm telling myself that the ship and my family will accommodate these coping strategies.

I can be thankful, however, that I do not suffer Lutraphobia. The gods be praised! (How do they come up with this stuff?)

Coming Home
How does that saying go? You can never go home. OK, it has some figurative meaning as well as literal meaning. I'm talking more about the literal coming back home, but in an emotional sense. My life is stressful for many reasons, and I'll resist listing them. I'm sure I'd miss something anyway. Mama's whole purpose in inviting me on this cruise was to give me time to relax and attempt to de-stress. I've been away for R&R before (not on this grand a scale!) and I enjoy being away and having new experiences. But the different perspective I get on vacation isn't conducive to jumping back into the crucible. I come home and see just how hard my life is. The reason I can function in my life is that I put my blinders on, lower my head, and shove through the mess (both literal and figurative). When I'm away on vacation it is easy to relax and forget the strife. And I suppose that's the whole point. But it is the tension within me that allows me to accomplish what I do in my day to day world. I come home all relaxed to this swirling miasma and freak the hell out! And I feel worse upon the return than I did before I left. So in a sense I'd rather not go.

I do not have a plan to combat this monster.

The Round-up I've been working on my attitudes, feelings, thoughts, fears about this whole vacation thing. I generally feel much better about it than I did a week ago. And I thank all of you who have been so helpful and encouraging. A few of the fears I've written about I no longer really fear too much. I've talked to Mama about a few of my worries and she's helped me understand what to expect in some areas. She's got a good attitude about the whole thing. I don't know if she's aware of how nervous I am about the whole deal. But I think we'll work things out and everything will be fine.

And I'm actually really looking forward to going now. Still nervous about a few things, but now I really do want to go. I'm getting excited! And I'm excited that I can now get excited. Aren't you proud of me?

How to shop at Wal-Mart 5 days before Christmas

I did it! And it didn't even kill me. Actually, I sort of enjoyed it.

Let's see if I can reconstruct the process.

1. Take a nap first
   
2. Wear comfortable clothes with plenty of pockets
   
3. Make a list
   
4. Get the MP3 player, stick it in my ear
   
5. Fill up a large travel mug with ice water to take along
   
6. Go alone
   
7. Drive the truck. The truck makes me happy.
   
8. Stop at Sonic for a large chocolate malt
   
9. Listen to peaceful classical music on the MP3
   
10. Drive on over to Wal-Mart, but don't pay attention to what the parking lot looks like
    
11. Park as close to a "cart corral" as possible
    
12. Make sure the MP3 is loud enough to drown out the store noises, but not so loud as to hurt the ears
    
13. Go about the shopping. Since the peaceful classical music is filling my head, I am able to think about what I need instead of getting distracted and upset by the hubbub around me.
    

    
    

And it really worked! My trick was to insulate myself with peaceful sounds. I also stayed away from the areas that upset me. Any aisle with visually garish displays or colors I just ignored. At one point I took refuge in the stationery/school supplies area. Those products make me happy. I stayed out of the "seasonal" aisle. It was the very definition of garish! Tall stacks of vivid green boxes full of sparkly crinkly plastic hovered like vultures on the shelves, waiting to pounce on me and rip away at my safety bubble. I didn't go there!

I listened to Handel's Messiah. The complete unabridged two-disk set, performed by the London Philharmonic. I started listening to it as I was writing my list, continued through the visit to Sonic and the consumption of the chocolate malt. The complete work was finished before I was finished shopping, so I started listening to Appalachian Waltz with Yo Yo Ma, Edgar Meyer, and Mark O'Connor. Very nice music, I think.

I got a lot of groceries. I didn't intend to get that much since I was shopping by myself. Usually if I have that much stuff to get I take along a useful, helpful teenager. But tonight I just couldn't handle being with anyone else, having to carry on conversation and shop at the same time. I had a cart full to overflowing by the time I finished. I stopped by the entry to grab another empty cart on my way to the check-out. When I got up to the cashier I put the empty cart at the bagging station then started unloading the full one. That way there was a cart to put bags into since my full one wouldn't be available to hold bags before there were so many bagged items the cashier wouldn't be able to check out any more stuff. Two carts are easier after check-out, too. I've noticed it is really hard to fit the same amount of merchandise post-check-out into one cart as I had in the pre-check-out cart. That is if I'm buying lots of stuff.

Looking at the quantities, the cashier asked if I was planning a large holiday gathering. I said no, this is for my family. She wondered if I would be doing all the cooking, or if others would be bringing things. I said "No, this is all for my family- my household. Those who live there." She gawked. I live for moments like that.

Though I went alone, I had good help when I got home. Light and Twitch and S helped carry everything in. Light and Twitch put everything away. I took a shower. That was nice, too. I feel accomplished.

Honesty- be true to yourself

I know a guy. He's an energetic, creative young (good looking!) black man who lives in our city. I had some business dealings with him earlier this year. He's a terrific man in many ways. Recently C and S introduced me to a new friend of theirs, A. (He puts the flame in flamboyant!) While visiting with this wonderful new friend we discovered that we both know this other man. A knows him because they used to be boyfriends. OK, I didn't know that about this man.

That's what makes me sad about him. I didn't know because he's hiding it. He's evidently dating girls now. He's trying to make his mama happy. He "got religion" and renounced his former way of life. Right. A, ever the discrete gossip, told me of a phone conversation he had recently with another friend who "couldn't talk right now. I'm with _______, and we're fixin' to, um, [ ;) ]."

I want to talk to this wonderful young man. If I was with him right now I'd (first put my shirt back on. Damn it's hot in here!) say. "__________, you are a wonderful, beautiful man." (Do you think that would scare him? I'm probably at least 20 years older than he, and pasty white, not gloriously rich black like he is. Oh, and married, and the mother of one of his former students. I mean "beautiful" in an objective, platonic way.) ..."Be true to yourself. God made you just the way you are. It will be hard sometimes, but I believe God will honor your efforts to live as he made you. You've got lots of talent, a lot going for you. If you try to suppress part of who you are it will end up crippling you."

That's the way I see it, anyway. Do you think he'll know what I'm talking about if I don't come out and say "I know you are gay?" As far as I know he doesn't realize I'd have any reason to know he's gay. He will throw up a wall of defense if I really do say that to him. But that conversation is for him to dwell on, to contemplate. I don't expect any kind of immediate positive reaction (except possibly polite ignorance or something). And maybe it won't make a difference in his life at all. Then again it might be helpful.

So, all you wonderful gay guys (and lesbians with an opinion), do you think I should talk to him, or leave him the hell alone?

UPDATE: Guess who I saw in Wal-Mart tonight? Of course you know- it was the man in question! But I hadn't had a chance to check for responses to this post yet, and I wanted to get some input from my readers before jumping on the poor guy. I'm glad I didn't accost him. Although I really want to talk to him, I think that now isn't quite the right time. In middle of a main aisle in W-M isn't the best place for this conversation, either! Especially with my husband and two kidlets right there begging to get out of the store already!

What's funny/ironic about seeing him tonight is that I rarely run into him when running errands, hanging out, etc. Was it a sign or something?

We did greet him, the kids hollered to him, we smiled and waved, etc. I'm going to try to meet him again for business purposes, maybe re-invigorate the casual acquaintance-friendship. This hopefully will lead to a better opportunity to casually, non-threateningly bring up the topic. It may also allow me a chance to let him know I am an advocate, an ally. And I have no intention (hell NO!) of "outing" him. I respect his privacy, his timing, whatever in that very personal choice of if or when to come out.