Another one

Rough day.

Went to my aunt and uncle's church this morning. That went well. I have visited that church occasionally since I was a teen. It's a lovely place, both architecturally and spiritually. My cousins are members there, also. Today is the first time I've been to church since Lent. No, wait, I didn't go during Lent. I went during Advent. I think I went to church once in mid-January, but that's the last time. Anyway, I went today and it was lovely. I sat next to my Aunt J and she is lovely. The whole thing was just lovely.

This afternoon I took Mama over to my cousin's house. Today is the cousin's birthday and she hosted a party. I think my aunt was going to have it at their house, but Mama can't get into their house because of the steps. My cousin's house is pretty flat and easy to access.

There were all these people there. Ugh. No, it wasn't particularly crowded. There were (hang on, I'm counting)... 11 people there. Three of them I don't know very well. Whatever. Lunch was a salad buffet, with fruit and crackers and dip in addition to lettuce and a bunch of salad toppings. I got Mama settled into a recliner then got her some fruit and crackers. After everyone else got his/her plate, I had the chance to get mine. But before I could sit down to eat Mama was ready for her salad. So I got Mama's salad. It was frustrating because she was in the den, I was in the kitchen with the food, and I wasn't sure what to get her. I tried asking, but others were talking and we couldn't understand each other very well. But I fixed her food and took it to her.

I finally got to sit down. But by then I was overwhelmed. How? By what? I'm trying to figure that out. Work with me here. Some possible causes:

• Too many people
• People I don't know
• Being too much the servant, not being served
• Making a mess

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that part. I poured myself some Coke and spilled a little drop on the counter. No biggie, but I wanted to wipe it up and needed help getting something with which to do that. Cousin's husband (host) helped me with that. I thanked him very kindly, and mentioned that I tend to be messy. When I got a refill, the soda (pop?) fizzed up on me and overflowed rather dramatically. I needed more paper towels for that. Oops. When I was getting Mama's salad I kept dropping toppings. I dropped olive slices on the floor, dropped croutons on the floor... Salad ingredients seemed to leap off the plate and onto the floor. I felt like a dumb klutz. Nobody said anything about it. No one else needs to. I fill in the criticism all by myself.

So I finally had my plate and was sitting at the table. I began to cry. As Gregory says, I leaked. I wasn't sobbing or anything, but as my eyes filled up so I couldn't see my salad clearly, I got up and went to the bathroom. I sat on the edge of the tub and cried (quietly) for a while. After a bit I washed off my face (and was faceless. Boy did that look weird!) and returned to the table. I resumed my meal and pretended everything was fine. Even if anyone had noticed and asked what the problem was, what could I say? I can't put it into words myself. Very frustrating.

As I sat on the tub I asked myself why I'm upset. I felt put-upon. I felt out of place. I felt I didn't belong, except to take care of Mama. Again, no one gave any indication of that intent. I came up with it all by myself. Troublesome thing, aren't I? And I asked myself if I had any valid reason to feel that way. I never came to any conclusion about that. I did want to come right home and write about it, though. I need this. I need to write it down, talk myself through the feelings, try to figure it out here. And I really appreciate those of you who follow along this angst-strewn path with me, offering encouragement or suggestions.

When I finished my lunch and felt it socially appropriate I went into the front living room, away from everyone else. Then my Aunt J came in to sit with me. She's a sweet lady. She loves me very much, and told me so, and said she wishes I could love myself too. I admitted to her that I'm having a bad day. We chatted a while, and I made nice. I did the things I'm supposed to do. When Cousin began to open her gifts I went into the den and sat beside Mama.

Cousin really liked the cards I picked out. (Got 2 from the store last night, one from me, one from Mama) They were both funny and appropriate. I'm glad she liked them. Anyway, I stayed with the group and pretended to be OK. I tried to join the conversation here and there, but everything I said seemed to be out of place. Not inappropriate or anything, but when adding my perspective to topics of conversation, suddenly the flow of conversation stopped. I guess I'm too unique to play that crowd.

As I cried to myself in the bathroom I had a strong desire to go away. To come back to Mama's and be alone, and to write this post. I wondered how Mama would get home. I could have asked my aunt and uncle to bring her, but I hate asking my uncle for anything. He's a pain in the ass. I also didn't want to call attention to myself. Had I left that would have made a big stir. I really didn't want that drama. I could also have gone outside to sit by myself. But it is hot here. And that, too would have been more drama than I wanted.

Did I do the right thing? When I was having so much trouble at the book club meeting Thursday, I left. I stayed around to "do" for Mama, but I left the meeting. (I blogged about that, didn't I?)(Yup) Should I have left, or was it right to pretend, to fake it, and stay?

I need someone to take care of me. This is one source of these problems. Superman takes really good care of me. Really really good. He knows my weaknesses, understands when I show the painful face. He takes over for me and tells me it'll be alright when I start to make a mess. He gets the jokes, perspectives, opinions I spew forth. I don't feel so alone when he is around. He defends and protects me, runs interference when I need my space.

I posses a lot of strength, this I know. But there is a lot of weakness, too. I'm not sure how that works, and I don't want to think about it right now. I'm good at taking care of others to some extent, and I get a lot of satisfaction from doing so. However, (and this is a big "however") it takes a lot out of me. I'm not sure how this works, either, and I'm confusing myself right now. For the past two weeks I've been doing a LOT of giving, not receiving much. I'm worn out.

I leave here tomorrow. Mama has a doctor's appointment in the morning, and I will take her there. We'll come back here and have some lunch, then I'm going to my Dad's house in Gainesville. I'll spend the night in Gainesville, and hopefully get up fairly early Tuesday and head back to South Carolina. I am looking forward to the drive home. I am looking forward to possibly meeting another blog buddy in Charleston on the way. (Yipee!)

However (another big "however") I am not really looking forward to getting home. Not totally. There are many things about going home that are really good. But home is so much work! Everyone there is so needy! Especially since I've been gone for 2 weeks everyone at home wants a chunk of me. This has not been a vacation for me. With the exception of Superman, I think everyone at home considers me to have been on vacation. I'm not on vacation. I've worked very hard. The physical work hasn't been bad at all. Not like digging ditches for 2 weeks. But the emotional drain has been great. They are going to suck me dry when I get home. So no, I'm not looking forward to going home.

I'm gonna go now. I need another good cry. I'm going to iterate laundry and cry into the dry clothes.