Random firings

The brain isn't working well today. At all. Not only do I feel kinda dull (it happens sometimes) I also am losing my ability to make decisions. I hate when this happens. Usually it is a sign of encroaching insanity.

I took Mama to her book club meeting this morning. For this month they read Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult. I looked at the book last night, read the blurb on the flap to see what it was about. It's about a school shooting. The folks at the book club meeting said it was good, well written, etc. I decided last night that I didn't want to try to read it. That subject is pretty intense, and I'm feeling a bit fragile these days.

But I went to the meeting. I sat by the door. The group includes my aunt, and the leader of the group is an old acquaintance whose daughter I used to babysit back in the dark ages of my youth. It was nice to see some old familiar faces. But I didn't know if I could sit through the club meeting. Sure enough, about 10 minutes into it I had to leave. That's specifically why I sat beside the door. Mama hadn't given any forethought to my emotional needs concerning this topic, not that I'm blaming her. It just didn't occur to her. But when I got up and left the room it clicked with her. She was really good about it, too. After the meeting some of the others asked about me (why I'd left? I dunno) and Mama said the subject was too intense for me, as I have children in high school now and until recently drove a school bus. She didn't mention that I am crazy as a shit house rat, and I appreciate her for that. All in all the relationship with Mama in this experience was quite positive.

My point is that I'm feeling pretty crazy right now. You might recall that early last week I was experiencing some bouts of insanity. Things calmed down, I felt kinda normal over the weekend. But yesterday it got worse again. Why? I have no fucking idea.

Depression is part, if not all of it. Here's an indicator. I drove to the pharmacy this evening to get a refill on my antidepressant (ironically?) and passed a hibiscus bush. (I think it's hibiscus. That's what it looks like) I don't particularly like hibiscus flowers. I saw a pretty yellow flower. I got so incredibly sad when I saw it. It brought tears to my eyes, and not in a healthy way.

I'm driving Mama's car through this shopping village parking lot. At a stop sign I glance over at the foliage beside the roadway, seeing this hibiscus flower. An overwhelming feeling of painful sadness washes over me. WTF? Seriously, my eyes threaten to leak. And I think to myself "Java, get a grip. It's a fuckin' flower for chrissake." Ding Ding Ding! Depression! And yet I cry.

I feel restless. And I'm beginning to withdraw. I don't sit with Mama much. I sit with her and visit during meals, usually. But most of the time I'm in the kitchen or the bedroom staying away from her. She's getting lonely and bored, the poor dear. I try. I don't have anything to chit-chat about. When she talks I get restless and feel like I need to escape. She is really a very nice lady! It isn't her, it's me. I would rather keep busy doing the mundane stuff that needs to be done (laundry, watering the plants, fixing meals) than to sit and visit with her. Poor Mama.

Another insanity clue: Tonight Mama watched Wheel of Fortune. She enjoys the Jeopardy/Wheel hour. I took supper to her during Wheel of Fortune. I intended to sit with her while we ate, but when I looked at the show, heard the soundtrack, I had to leave. It was too intense. Why? They spin the wheel and it can stop anywhere! It might stop on $300 or $3000, or on the trip to Mexico (this week's Mexican decor grates on my nerves, too). But it might stop on Bankrupt! I can't handle that kind of stress! Seriously, Wheel of Fortune on the telly gave me an anxiety attack. Or would have if I'd stayed. Something ain't right.

Oh, and yesterday I saw a commercial for I don't know what, but there was a pretty family playing in the grass. A beautiful young mother, thin and smartly dressed. A father; young, strong, happy, definitely DILF material. And a young child, maybe 2 or 3 years old, cute as a bug. They were all happily playing in the grass there. There was a clutch in my heart, a sadness like dark molasses slowly flowed over my countenance. Huh? I dunno.

But enough about me. How are you? :)