This song has been floating around in my head since mid afternoon today (Saturday). I don't know why. It's been years since I thought about it.
And for some reason pedophilia has been on my mind this afternoon, but I think I know why. C and I had a discussion about a woman he knows whose father sexually abused her from a very young age. In addition to emotional damage, she has physical damage from his abuse (both physical and sexual). There is a lot I could say about who would do such an evil thing, but I won't go there today. This conversation meshed with the topic of hell. Hell: is it real? Is it a place, some ethereal plane where "sinners" spend eternity, as I learned in church? I don't think so anymore. Nowadays I am more inclined toward the idea that hell happens here and now, caused by people doing terrible things to others.
Superman took all three of the kids to Carowinds today. It was a treat for me to be here alone (well, except for C and his buddy). I had a very good day. I spent a lot of time with the dog (which reminds me, I owe you pictures of this dog. I also need to keep taking pics of him because he keeps growing). He's still getting the hang of doing his bodily eliminations outside. I watched him very carefully today and he did most of his business outside. Progress! He's a sweet puppy.
I also baked some bread. I considered doing more baking, but did other things instead. I went to the grocery fairly early this morning, leaving for the store around 8:30. I was gone an hour or so. Earlier would have been better, but the crowds weren't bad. I got through the checkout very quickly.
The other fun thing I did with all this alone time was start a new sewing project. I enjoy sewing, but don't do it often. It takes a lot of creative energy, and when the kids are here they drain my energy, making it nigh unto impossible to start a sewing project. I also need a chunk of uninterrupted time (minimal interruptions, at least) and with these trolls here that doesn't happen much.
I sort of wanted to take a nap, but decided against it. I have all this time to myself today, why waste it sleeping? Maybe I'll nap tomorrow (Sunday).
Let's see, what else was I going to tell you?
Sproing, as I think I've mentioned before, is now going to the alternative school, the place where delinquents who can't be civil in regular school spend time "refocusing" on their education. Yeah. About that. He was suspended from the alternative school for three days on account of he wouldn't sit quietly and do his work in class. I don't know about that boy. So he was home on Friday, and will be home Monday and Tuesday. This is not the way I want to spend my days! This is yet another reason I don't have a job outside the home. We don't trust these kids to stay by themselves for very long. A few hours every so often, sure, but not all day every day of the week while Superman and I are at work. You'd think that by the time they were 15 they'd be responsible enough to take care of themselves. Nope. Not these two.
For the past two or three days Sproing has been relatively well behaved and cooperative. This is a big change from the week or so previous. O.M.G. That kid has been horrid. He's talking to us in a manner one does not talk to one's parents! Except he does. He argues about every little thing. He deflects the conversation (argument) from the topic at hand to insignificant side issues. He is supposed to be grounded right now but earlier in the week he just ran off with his friends and stayed out until almost 9:00, after dark. Didn't care that he was grounded. Wouldn't cooperate with anything. Screamed at me and his dad, was rude beyond belief, and hurtful too. He says some of the most hurtful things. I'm sensitive to it. He knows my buttons, dammit. I'm supposed to be able to remove my emotions from the conversations, let his comments roll of my back more samer than a duck with water.
The early part of the week was awful. On Monday I met with the Continuum of Care team to get Sproing back on their client list. I got a letter today saying that our request is denied. Evidently there are community resources we can access to help with his behavior. OK. Yeah, in the meeting I got a couple of leads for resources for him. Haven't checked into them yet. Frankly, I forgot. But the rejection letter today reminds me.
The meeting was difficult, as I had to discuss his behavior and defend myself as a parent. The other people in the meeting were kinda tough on me. They didn't say anything that isn't true. You know, they stepped on my toes. It was hard. I feel like I do the best I can with that boy (and his sister) but they're saying "you can do better." Well shit! This shit is hard! But they are right, there are things we can do to improve the way we handle it. It is really really hard to focus on the details when all hell is breaking loose around here! As parents we are not as consistent as we should be. There is too much chaos in the household. We get emotionally overwhelmed too easily.
On Tuesday I had another meeting with ... somebody. Oh, yeah, my psychiatrist. I laid into him about my troubles, and he said "sounds like you need a therapist." Yeah, well, I have one of those. Two, actually, since we've got a family therapist coming to the house once a week for now. I don't know what I was supposed to say to the good doctor. "Hi. I'm current on my meds. Nice weather we're having. Well, see ya' in three months." He gave me some advice, most of it useless. He doesn't work with children and adolescents, and I don't blame him. Those kidlets are tricky. So he doesn't know how the systems work. He suggested placing them (one or both) into an alternative living arrangement. Oh, doctor, you are so far behind the curve here! After a while I quit listening to him. The only thing he said that was marginally useful is to think of myself as a survivor rather than a victim. I'm not sure exactly how to do that, but it's something I can contemplate. He said that I am smart and something else, maybe intuitive or some such. Anyway, that I can figure this shit out if only I try harder. Made me want to cry.
Then on Wednesday I met with Sproing's counselor. He and I went in to the session together. He usually goes alone, but I needed to talk with the counselor (Marie. She's pretty good, actually.) about his atrocious behavior. He was in the office too, and he demonstrated some of his nasty attitude and rude behavior. Marie pointed out how I was falling into his trap, taking the bait he set for me. After maybe 15 minutes he got up and walked out. Fine. The little son of a bitch. So Marie and I finished the session. It was easier without him. She told me I was smart and intuitive or some shit. Pretty much the same thing my psychiatrist said. I cried. I started tearing up a bit before Sproing left, and I suspect that's what triggered his exit. He hates when I cry. He acts like a total shit, it frustrates and hurts me, I cry, and he gets upset. WTF?? Marie told me to be stronger (I'm starting to tear up now as I type this), not to take his bait. She told me to keep doing what I'm doing, be consistent. Basically, I (we) need to keep up the parenting. Even in the face of total failure (what it looks like from here. She says it isn't total failure, but I fail to see that) we need to continue to stand firm and guide the boy. And the girl, for that matter. I feel so overwhelmed, but the message I got for three consecutive days was that I need to muscle up, rethink my reactions to this shit, quit being overwhelmed and get stronger. Damn. I mean, DAMN. Dammit dammit dammit.
And ever since the counseling session on Wednesday Sproing has been trying to behave himself. He has had a good attitude, mostly, and isn't arguing or going into a rage the way he was for more than a week prior to Wednesday. He is easier to deal with now, for sure, but I know nothing has changed, really. He's still the same, and something will happen to tip him into the anger pool again. Don't know when, it could be tomorrow, or he could be copacetic for another week or maybe two. But then he'll lose his shit again and drag me through the emotional furnace. And in the meantime there's Diva. Who pulls the same shit, only with less predictability. And less self control, which gets really scary.
So, to review: I'm a failure as a parent, except I'm not. I'm smart and CAN figure this out, except I can't. Or haven't yet, anyway. Oh, and the family therapist has also told me that I am smart and creative and can figure out how to handle their shit. He said that a few weeks ago. I actually really like this guy, but sometimes he pisses me off. Or maybe it's me who pisses me off. I don't know.
OK, it's so late that it isn't even today anymore. I didn't get a nap today, and got up pretty damned early considering how late I went to bed last night. So I'm gonna shut down and go to sleep now. Well, soon. Eventually. Aw hell...
but who only lasted into the 6th inning. Things got better for the Braves after he burned out.
Moving Along, but Adrift
11 years ago
