Superman and Twitch are up in college town moving Light home for the summer. That leaves me home alone with the dynamic duo. She's being sweetness and honeycomb. He's being the demon spawn. Again. He did this last night, too. Tonight I'm on my own with him. Since I am typing this right now, it's obvious that I am taking a break from the drama. He is in his bedroom now, throwing things against the wall again and screaming, yelling, insulting the world. He isn't crying, though. It's just angry yelling. Oops! I spoke too soon. He's crying now, too.
He pulled the "slave" card on me tonight. I laughed heartily. "I'm just a slave. You treat me like a slave. I'm nothing to you." I told him he was my son, and that sons help out with chores for the good of the whole family, just like everyone else does. What was particularly funny about this discussion was that while we were talking, Diva was on her hands and knees in the bathroom scrubbing cat turds off the floor.
We pause for a moment...
to consider the disaster.
I have tried to stay calm tonight. I started out being pleasant to him. I have tried to ignore as much as I can. It's like I'm watching this from two perspectives. On the one hand I'm in the thick of it. But there is a sense that I am a casual observer to the train wreck.
I lost it. He finally went into his room after tearing around the house banging things, throwing things, slamming doors, etc. I told him to stay in his room, and quit breaking my house. He came back out and railed on Diva, then slammed himself back in the room. I got a spatula from the kitchen and sat outside his bedroom door, waiting for him to try that shit again. I didn't have to wait long. When he opened the door I walked him back into the room and spanked his sorry behind with the spatula. I'm quite proud of myself. It was just a spanking, and not a very long one. I did not lose all of my shit and beat him until I was exhausted. There is a temptation to do that sometimes.
No, tonight I gave him a couple of perfunctory swats then took the spatula back to the kitchen, where I got his medicine. He's has now taken his evening medication, which help to calm him down so he can sleep. After he took his meds, I stood beside his bed and told him all about it. Loudly. In his face. This is the gist of what I said: The misery he is experiencing is all his own doing. And he's sharing the wealth of misery with the entire family. And I'm sick sick sick sick sick of it. What he will not do is back-talk me the way he was tonight, or refuse to come in when I call him, or throw things against the wall, or slam doors (I need to stop modeling that behavior myself. oops) or scream at me or anyone else in this family, or... I don't remember what all I said. I was on quite a roll. And I don't regret a bit of it.
On to other things now, Lewis suggested in the comments on the previous post that I make a list of five things that I have done for myself. I really like that idea, and that was going to be my next post. Sproing preempted that, so now I'm saying that my next post will be a list of five things I have done for myself.
9 comments:
Oh my friend, I don't envy your position at all...but I'm sure you handle it as well as you are able to. At the time. For this moment. Nothing more or less. We'll all look forward to that list. For refocusing. Recentering. Reminding.
When a car breaks down you can try to fix it yourself. Sometimes you can’t repair the car and you have to take it to a mechanic. This is the same for people. Sometimes a person needs the care of a professional in a different setting to get fixed. Hang in there. Don’t forget all the wonderful things you have done for your children.
Indigo Incarnates
Slave? Ha ha ha ha ha! You could always tell him to get a part-time job at age 14 as a busboy/dishwasher (like I had to)and then see if he thinks sweeping the floor is "slavery". Sometimes I think part of his problem is that he is unaquainted with hardship.
How did you manage to stay sober enough to type this? I'd have been drunk out of my head.
Hold on tight, honey. We're behind you.
That casual observer is your detachment; hang on to that perspective, because it will guide you dispassionately.
Occasionally I had to use the bamboo spatula to get my melt-down's attention when he was young. Two swats will do it. But where did yours get his ammo to throw? Time to clean out that room again. And if he slams his door, maybe it's best to remove it. Your call.
It sounds like you're planning your responses ahead of time, and that really is the way to go. It takes the heat out of the moment, regardless of how you feel. Hang in there, sweetie, and remember these moments when remorse tugs at you. You know what's best for the whole family.
The five things, the sooner the better. I don't know how you do it!
I cannot speak from a parent's point of view, but everything birdie wrote makes total sense. hang in there!
I like Birdie's response as well, particularly that you are preparing your responses ahead of time. This makes you the level-headed one when confronting these situations when they arise. I hope he realized his impact when you spoke of his misery. (((((Java)))))
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