Good grief

So yeah, I guess it has been a while since I put up a post here. I've been avoiding the internet again. Nothing personal, y'all. Just depressed.

The kids got back into school last Tuesday. They've been at school for just over a week and neither of them has been suspended yet. Yay! I haven't had any calls from the principals. So far so good. Diva says she has all A's so far. She's also going to be part of the girls' volleyball team, sort of. She's been drafted as a line guard or something. She'll watch the boundary line (or whatever it's called) and judge whether the ball is in, out, or on the line. Good for her. She really is trying to keep her nose clean and do the right thing. I'm annoyed with her, but I think that has more to do with the antagonism between the two of us.

I don't want to talk about Sproing. Suffice to say he isn't behaving well. Got another B&E charge (felony) a couple of weeks ago. Still hasn't been to court. Grrrr.

Twitch is moving to Charleston! (South Carolina) He spent last week there with a couple of friends and looked for a job. So far nothing, but he did pay September rent at the apartment there. He'll be the third roommate with those friends. It is my fervent hope that he is gainfully employed within the month and can afford October rent. It's a good move, him leaving here and moving to Charleston. I don't want him to have to come back home. He doesn't either. Superman and I will take Twitch and his load of stuff to Charleston on Saturday. I'm looking forward to seeing Twitch's new apartment and spending some time alone with my husband after we drop off Twitch at his new home.

I am relieved that the annoying teenagers are back in school. I've not recovered from the summer break. Seriously. My nerves are raw and I can't think clearly. Is this a minor case of PTSD? Maybe. I feel as though I'm wounded.

Shall we talk about the dog? Oreo. Predominantly black lab, with rumors of pit bull parentage and signs of possible other breed influences. Dalmatian has been suggested. I'll tell you what, though, he's a smart pup. He's about 6 months old, maybe 6.5. We have him in beginner obedience classes at PetSmart. He learns fast. He is a very good dog. We have considered finding him a new home because we are not really ready to have another dog right now. However, the longer we have him and work with him, the more we want to keep him. If you recall, Sproing brought him home, saying he'd take good care of him, etc. Yeah, right. I said "no." Superman said "no" but the dog (for reasons I can't recall) spent the weekend here, at which point Superman changed his position on keeping the dog. Although he's a wonderful dog, he is a puppy and requires a lot of work, supervision, and diligence to keep him from chewing up my entire house. Right now I want to keep the dog and get rid of Sproing. If only it were that easy.

Do we want to talk about my depression? Disclaimer: I do not want to hurt myself, have no plans to do so. There is no joy in my life. I have a good life, indeed, and I am deeply loved. That helps. I am mortally tired of the shit I have to deal with. I don't really know how to describe it. I'm stuck. Pretty worthless for many values of "worth." Oh, I have many fine qualities, but really? Day to day I'm barely surviving.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Braves baseball helps. Fewer than six weeks left in the season, and "we" (the Braves) are almost a shoo-in for post-season playoffs. We're 13 games ahead of second place in the National League Eastern Division. And as of this evening we have the highest win percentage of any other team in the MLB. For most of my readers, that means jack shit. The significance here is that I'm not too depressed to want to watch Braves baseball. So it could be worse.

And that's all I know.

Thought for Today, and other stuff

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. -Naguib Mahfouz, writer, Nobel laureate (1911-2006) 

7.5 days until the kidlets go back to school. It can't start early enough. Tomorrow (Tuesday) they'll go over there to get their IDs made and pick up schedules. Superman took them both shopping for clothes last weekend (two weeks ago?) and Sproing was in a mood and didn't get anything except a pair of shoes. He asked a few days ago if we can go out and get him some clothes. He is so out-of-favor with me that I'm not getting him anything. Not now, anyway. A week or four into the semester I'll get him some pants, maybe shirts. He probably needs socks and underwear, too. But he ain't gettin' it this week. 

It's bloody hot here. Hot and humid with intense sunshine. I just checked; current ambient temperature is 91F but the heat index is 99F. It feels at least that hot to me. Diva and I were out in it. She had a doctor's appointment and we drove my truck, Manny. No air conditioning, of course. And no shade in the doctor's office parking lot. But we're home now, so it's alright. 

However, the passenger side window doesn't work. When we got home I pushed the switch to close it and - nuthin'. That's one disadvantage of electric windows. I suspect the window motor is dead. Superman happened to be home for lunch, and he put a sheet of plastic over the window for me. Manny still needs to get his "check engine" light checked out. The light came on as I was driving north on Hwy 7 in Vermont, now two months ago. The light isn't lit when I first turn the motor, but comes on and stays on after I drive for a couple of miles. 

I avoided my computer all last week and through the weekend. When I was going through my email this morning I unsubscribed from quite a few email newsletter things. Not all, but a lot. I still have A.Word.A.Day. That one stays. That's the source of the above quote. 

I'm still depressed. August does this to me. Well, probably not August specifically, but things that happen in August. Like the oppressive heat, and the kids having been on summer break from school for so long! Really, we ought to have school all year, with two or three week breaks between semesters. That, plus all the regular holidays and teacher work days and such, there would still be 180 days in the school year. I've figured it out before. 

That's all I got, folks. Ask me questions, maybe that will give me some ideas about what to write.

Here's the thing

I dread spending time with my children. Well, with some of my children. One in particular. The young boy is being a pain in the ass, and has been all summer. Although to my surprise and delight, Diva is doing very well. Though I'm not eagerly looking for opportunities to spend time with her, when these opportunities occur they can be almost pleasant. It's a process for both of us, Diva and me, learning to get along in each other's company. Sproing, though, isn't attempting to make things better. He's just obnoxious and rude and inconsiderate, etc. School starts in 15 days. Yes, I'm counting them, the days.

Today has been difficult for me, and it's a "me" thing. I slept in, which isn't a bad thing necessarily. I got up and showered, which is good, since some days I forego the shower. (That's one of the signs that I'm depressed, the skipping of the shower. Also the sleeping in.) I spent a few moments in the same room with Sproing. That was stressful, so I left. I was finishing my morning grooming routine in the bathroom but the cat's litter box made the experience odiferously unpleasant. Well, what to do except clean it out, right? Superman usually does that job, but he's at work and I'm uncomfortable with the stench, so here I go. And make a mess of it. Dumped half the cat poop on the bathroom floor. I cleaned it up effectively. (Sometimes when I try to clean up my messes, I end up making bigger messes.) But in the process I stepped in dirty cat litter (no icky solids, but nasty nonetheless). And I'd just had a shower. So I washed my feet in the sink. One at a time; I didn't levitate over the lavatory to wash both feet simultaneously. Now, on a good day I'd have a laugh at my clumsiness and go about my business. Today is not a good day. I very nearly cried. And I've been anxious and on edge ever since. I have some pills to help that, but I'm going to try eating a healthy lunch (I had a healthy breakfast, though it was small) and see if that doesn't help soothe my nerves somewhat. I have to go through the living room where the Sproing is lying in wait to be ugly to me, and that increases my resistance to leaving the relative safety of my bedroom.

As you may have noticed, I'm not writing much here these days. Actually, I went all week last week without turning on my computer at all. I think it was yesterday, Sunday, that I finally logged on and checked my email. I deleted most of that without reading it. Just too depressed. Facebook depresses me these days, too, though I did peruse the 'book for a while yesterday. Probably won't mess with it today.

I watched the Braves win all three games against the Phillies this weekend. That was about the only "fun" thing I could do all weekend. I was strong enough one day last week to get my hair cut. That's a stressful activity for me, as I've mentioned in the past. But it was OK. And I spent the time with Twitch, too, which was pleasant. I picked him up from work (he has a small part-part-time job doing warehouse stuff at a department store), we went to the cheap haircut place and waited a long time for my haircut, then he helped me buy $300+ worth of groceries at Aldi. Aldi is the place where you bag your own groceries in your own bags/boxes. I have a few market bags and miscellaneous small containers for that sort of thing, but not for $300+ worth of groceries. I had an old medium sized dog crate rattling around in the back seat of my truck, though, and we assembled that to hold lots of groceries. Used bungee cords to secure it in the bed of the truck. Thankfully it was a rare sunny day here in the 'wood. The whole thing was kinda funny. Perhaps I should have taken a picture of it, but I didn't. Anyway, that was a busy day. Buying, bagging, transporting, unloading, and putting away that much stuff takes a long time and lots of energy. Way more energy than I have today, for sure.

These paragraphs are too long. I reread them, looking for a good place to divide them into smaller chunks, but find no good breaking point. So there you have it; long, rambling paragraphs. It's the best I can do today, and I'm OK with that.

Let's go find some healthy lunch. Maybe that will help. (It won't help the paragraphs, but will hopefully help my emotional condition.)

'Tis past time for another post

And there is so much going on that I'd like to discuss. Actually, so much has happened in the last three months that I'm having trouble sorting it out to write about it.

Therefore, random thoughts:

I broke my toe on June 1st. Baby toe, right foot, by stubbing it on a chair leg. Sucker hurt for two months, but has healed now and no longer hurts when I twist the toe. Cutting that toenail was a bitch for a while.

I wrecked the car on the 20th of July in Clintonville, West Virginia. Clintonville is a wide spot in the road due east of Sam Black Church, West Virginia. Yep, the name of the hamlet/village/whistle-stop is Sam Black Church. That amuses me.

On the 20th of August the kids started the new school year. Praise all the possible gods. Much of July I spent trying to avoid my children. Took Sproing on a road trip to separate him and Diva. Left him with Light in Pennsylvania to get away from him. (Unfortunately, escaping from my kids also involved escaping from my husband, which I don't want to do. It was so good to get back with him.) Now that they are in school or en route from 7:30 til after 4:00, my life is much more peaceful. Though I dread the school bus bringing them home in the afternoon. Afternoons and evenings are long and tedious.

The week before school started was very difficult, children-wise. Well, mostly Diva. On Tuesday she shoved me into a wall and called me a 'ho. I called the police. On Thursday she attacked Superman, kicking and scratching and pulling at him. I called the police. When the police come out, we file complaints against her which are turned over to Dept. of Juvenile Justice (DJJ) who in turn send it to the solicitor's office. We've yet to see anything done in response to these complaints. I'm about ready for her to go to jail.

But since school started a week ago she's been fine. No fighting, no arguing, no back-talk, no cursing. She and Sproing are even getting along with each other. It's only a matter of time before she gets all Jerry Springer on us again. I enjoy her cooperative attitude, but I don't trust her. We're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm spent. Emotionally drained. Tired. Unmotivated to do much. There are things I'd like to accomplish around the house, but for the last week all I've done is sit in my chair and surf the internet or watch Netflix movies.

Right now the rest of the family is at home. Superman has a headache and is resting. The kids just washed my truck. I need to go check on that. Then I should do something about supper.

There is much more I want to discuss, stuff like feelings and observations, but that will have to wait for another time. It's time to get off my fat ass and do something useful.

Celebration and miscellany

Let's begin with hair. Diva needed to get her hair "did", so I took her to the beauty college where they do hair for cheap. This is the before shot.

And here she is after.

She holds herself with more confidence and has a better attitude when she knows she looks good. I like that, especially the good attitude part. I like the beauty college, too, especially their prices. I plan to wander over there this week and have my hair cut, too.

And speaking of my hair,

mine is slowly turning gray. It's part of the aging process and it doesn't bother me. I'm actually surprised that I don't have more gray hair. But let me tell you, I found it pretty weird when last week I pulled a gray hair out of my nose. Normal, I suppose, but I didn't expect it.

I have this song floating around in my head this afternoon, so I am sharing it with you.

The kids are in school right now (Hallelujah!). I am having a wonderful day. I got a lot accomplished this morning after I dropped Diva at school. Sproing took the bus, which is opposite from how I expected they would get to school today. At any rate, I did a lot of mundane errands and took the cat (Smudge, formerly known as Scheherazade) to the vet for her shots. The other errands were mundane, the cat was not. We both managed to survive, but I now have cat scratches on my back from where she climbed over my shoulder to get away from the vet when he gave her an anal probe (checking for worms).

We need Smudge's updated records in order to bring home our new cat from the animal shelter. Yes, Diva talked her Daddy into getting another cat, and the shelter doesn't allow the animals to come home unless other pets are up to date with their shots. Good plan. I let Smudge's vaccinations expire (forgetful, not malicious) so this gets us back on track. But the point of this paragraph is the new kitten. I am not excited about this addition to the household. Hopefully the new kitty will keep Diva occupied and out of my hair for a good long while. Expect cute kitty pictures soon.

Speaking as we were of anal probes, Superman and I saw "Cowboys and Aliens" this weekend. I liked it, am glad I saw it, but probably won't watch it again. There are movies that I want in my library, and others that I'm happy to see only once. I want to get "How To Train Your Dragon" for my personal library. And call me crazy, but I want to see the smurf movie, too. I know it's bad, that's obvious from the trailer. But it's silly, and has blue smurfs in it. Plus NPH. I'll let you know how that goes.

And speaking of libraries, I read a good book. I like gay romances (M/M, but not so much F/F) and stories about gay characters. There are a lot of tawdry gay romance books out there that are not of stellar literary quality. Light, fun reading, but not much to make you think. I usually like to think. I read The Brothers Bishop by Bart Yates, and it was fantastic. It's a rich book, made me think. Nice literary allusions and stuff. It was almost as good as At Swim, Two Boys by that Irish guy, um... (hang on, gotta look it up) Jamie O'Neill.

I have also recently read two of Michael Thomas Ford's novels, Looking For It and Last Summer. They're good, enjoyable, better than run-of-the-mill, but not excellent. I want to read the rest of that series.

The kidlets will be home in about an hour. I want to piddle around here a bit more before they return. I'm sure I'll be back soon with kitty pictures.

Internet trouble, I had it

For a couple of days last week our access to internet was denied. I think it was a technical problem. While I was unable to surf the webs I wrote a blog post. I have since then forgotten about it until now. So here it is.

But first, let me say that tomorrow, Monday August 15th, 2011 is the first day of the 2011-2012 school year. And there is much rejoicing, at least from me. Don't know if the kidlets are as excited. Don't care, either.

Everything you are about to read is out of date. I am writing this on Saturday night (August 6th). It’s almost midnight. I’ve had two beers in quick succession and I’m rather tipsy. My arms aren’t responding the way they normally do.

Here’s the lowdown: the plumbing is fixed, praise be. Superman once again earned his title by clearing the kitchen drain. It took a lot of smelly work, but he did it. He’s wonderful. And he is out of town. Monday is his brother’s 40^th birthday, so he and Sproing went to the old homestead to visit The Folks and celebrate baby brother’s birthday. I’m here with Diva, praise be (I jest). I miss my husband.

School starts a week from Monday, Praise Be! August 15^th sees the young ones back in school from 8:00 a.m. to 3:20 p.m. They are usually dropped off at school around 7:30 and don’t return home on the bus until 3:55, so I have that much freedom. It is truly a wonderful thing.

The reason you are reading this after the fact is that I’m posting it after the fact because the fact is that our internet is inaccessible. I suspect the router. The kids tell me that we had a power outage Friday afternoon as I lay sleeping. It couldn’t have been a very long power outage because I lay sleeping with my CPAP, which is powered by electricity. My lungs would have noticed if the power had gone off for more than a few seconds. Back to the point: perhaps the power outage did something wonky with the router. Or the modem, the gods forbid. I haven’t fiddled with it yet, since the need isn’t powerful. Maybe Sunday I’ll see what I can make of the mess.

And speaking of school starting, the youngsters are in “need” of new clothes. Honestly they don’t really need new clothes, but it’s the start of a new school year and tradition dictates new clothes. Sproing had few pants that worked for school, and no shorts that fit. Friday morning he and I went out and bought him a few new shorts and a couple pair of pants. He also acquired four new t-shirts, socks, and boxer-briefs. He’s ready to roll. This afternoon in the heat I took Diva out. She honestly didn’t need a thing, but because I am a Wonderful Mother I bought two new tops and a new pair of pants for her, plus socks, underwear, and a few bras.

Did I mention that it was hot today? I don’t know what the official high temperature was this afternoon, but in my estimation it was over 100 degrees (F). The humidity was ridiculously high so it felt miserable. Perhaps the actual ambient temperature was only in the high 90s, but the heat index was beyond miserable. And Superman took our air conditioned Aveo on his trip, leaving me with the un-air conditioned truck. Did I mention “miserable?” I finally was able to take a shower at 11:00 tonight. I feel a lot better. Sweat was my hair mouse.

Those Mexicans don’t put twist tops on their beer bottles. I have bottle openers handy in many rooms of the house. I’ve become a beer aficionado, at least with the beers I like. I just opened a Dos Equis. XX. Double yum. This is my final beer of the night. Really. When I have enough alcohol to affect my sense of balance, my feet get hot. Just thought you ought to know.

I heard the most amusing phrase on the radio Friday. It was an NPR news cast, the 10:00 top-of-the-hour news brief. “…and an undisclosed number of independent polygamists…” Isn’t that a hoot? What the hell does it mean? It sounds like a title of a David Sedaris book. Speaking of David Sedaris, last week I read When You Are Engulfed in Flames. I recommend it.

I’ve had enough beer that I feel all loving toward everything and everyone. Oooh, I love you soooo much. I’m not drunk enough to ignore the fact that I am ridiculous in this state, though. You’re glad you’re just reading this and not with me to observe the ridiculosity of it all. Spell check doesn’t like “ridiculousity.” Silly spell check.

C is coming over tomorrow afternoon. We will go to the fabric store together. Doesn’t that sound wonderful? I miss him. He and N are doing really well in their new apartment. They share the apartment with another gay couple and a single girl. It’s an interesting three bedroom, 1.5 bath apartment. Two of the bedrooms are fairly large, but the third looks like an afterthought. (Spell check is wonderful when one is tipsy. My fingers aren’t so reliable after three beers.) That third bedroom is perhaps 10x10, maybe less. The young single girl occupies that room. I want it, though. I would love to have my own little private room in C and N’s apartment. It is half a block from the college, and less than two miles from home. That room could be my private hideaway, a safe place for escape when I need to get away from home. And I could park there and walk to campus, negating the need for a parking pass.

The problem with three beers is the resulting headache. I don’t have hangovers the morning after. I have my hangover headache pretty much immediately. Champaign tends to give me a headache before I finish the first glass. I love the stuff, but don’t like my body’s reaction to it.

It seems to be time to go to sleep. Damn, it’s after 1:00 a.m. already. I love to write rambling blog posts like this. But I am especially tired. So I’m going to brush my teeth and go to sleep. Goodnight.

A better day today

This is what I've been working on for my art class. I took this picture yesterday, and have since put a couple more layers on the front of this face. She looks a bit less wrinkled now, I think. I hope. This mask is one component of the cabinet I'm decorating. That's not a good way to describe what I'm doing, but it's the best I can come up with at the moment. I feel better, happier, more satisfied having worked on the mask this evening.

It's been Monday all day. That's not unusual for this time of the week.

I took the midterm exam in my Wellness class. It was simplistic. Simplistic is on the annoying end of the spectrum. It's better than frustratingly inaccessible, though.

And speaking of inaccessible, I dropped the Social Psychology class today. Yay! Sing and dance for joy, everyone! That course offers nothing that is in any way significantly useful to my life. That's one less midterm exam I have this week, too.

Today has been better than yesterday. Diva and I were not in the same house together for more than perhaps a couple of hours, and then we were in different rooms. She's asleep now.

I have an annoying headache. I'm trying to think it away. So far it's not working.

And I need to study for my Death and Dying midterm. First of all I have to read two chapters in the book. It gets more complicated after that. I take that test on Thursday.

Oh, do you remember last week, was it Monday? I had an exam in my Behavioral Stats class. Guess what I made on that test. Go ahead. Guess. Oh, I can't stand the suspense. I made a 97 on that puppy!! Yes, I feel good.

Off to study now. Think happy thoughts. Clap for Tinkerbell. Et cetera.

Rush toward the end - with updates!

I'm so tired. So very, very tired. I slept a lot yesterday. I skipped my Friday morning class, stayed home and took a nap. It was my second nap. I took a third one later. And I was tired and ready for bed at 9:00, though I stayed up for a couple hours more. I felt rested when I got up this morning, but it's 3:00 now and I'm desperately tired again.

I am also very dizzy. I noticed it last night. As I rolled over in bed during the night my head kept turning after I stopped. And no, I hadn't been drinking. It was pretty dizzifying getting out of bed today, too. I almost fell backwards out of the shower this morning. I have felt dizzy all day long, even while sitting still at my desk.

It's nearly the end of the semester, and I have some significantly important assignments to finish on or before Wednesday. Or Tuesday. Or something. It's frightening to think about. I have a paper due in my film class. It is almost finished, I've been working on it this mid-day. All I have left is the summary analysis. I like that term. It's a summative evaluation and prescriptive analysis, as described by the instructor. It's spinning bullshit, mostly. Tedious, but not overly difficult.

The real difficult one is my article for psych research methods. I'm nervous about it because I'm woefully unprepared. I have what I need, but haven't read it. It's due at 3:30 Wednesday afternoon. I have to read 5 or 6 other scholarly journal articles (thick boring things, even though the subject is mildly interesting). Then I have to write mine.

There's also the 4th exam and the final exam, two different beasts, for psych research. I did well on the 3rd exam, but the stuff since then has me a bit confounded. I almost understand it. It makes sense when the prof describes it in class, and if I go slowly I can explain it. But give me an hour or so doing something else and I lose most of my grasp on the subject. I really need to work over the examples and study my notes. I have what I think is good material to study, but I haven't done that yet. I've been doing other school related things, or sleeping. I'm so tired.

Oh, and yesterday (December 4th) was Diva's birthday. She's 12 now. She thinks she's hot shit, but then she always has. Superman and I took her out to dinner to the Crimson Crustacean. It was as loverly as usual. I got her a doll that really poops and pees! Now I think Superman is mad at me. I know he's mad at Diva. She's been feeding her doll the non-food glop that came with it, and it runs out the doll's poop shoot, requiring a change of diaper. Well, the damned doll only came with two disposable diapers, and now the child is using up all the kitchen towels to catch the mess. He went to get a towel out of the drawer to use, you know, for some authentic need in the kitchen. But alas, there were none. She's got them strewn all over the house with wet doll mess all over 'em. Yeah, well.

He bought her the Miley Cyrus Movie DVD. Ugh. She watched it last night, but I was cloistered in my office and didn't have to suffer through any of it.

So Java, what happened to Diva when she was suspended from school last week? Oh, yes, I made her life difficult. I took the DVD player and locked it in my office, and disconnected the cable from the TV in the living room. I keep my office door locked when I'm not in here, and the only other TV with cable is in our bedroom, which also remains locked when we aren't here. Diva had a long list of household chores to do, most of which she did. Among other things she swept the whole house and mopped the kitchen, folded and put away a bunch of clothes. She did two math lessons from an older Grade 5/6 math textbook I have, and studied a literature passage (short, only two small paragraphs) and did some exercises with that. She also read a newspaper article and answered a bunch of questions about it. And I wasn't particularly nice to her. I don't think I was cruel, mostly, but I wasn't friendly.

When I took her back to school on Thursday we had to go in for a brief conference with the assistant principal. The woman took one look at Diva and said that she was violating the dress code. OK, I suppose I should be up on these things, if I'm a good mother and all that crap. Whatever. So after discussing the other issues with the assistant principal, I had to take the child home to change clothes. And oh, dear, she doesn't have anything decent to wear! Part of the problem is that she's taken her perfectly good pairs of jeans and cut them off into shorts that are too short to wear to school! I'm so pissed at her right now. The other problem, though, is that she has outgrown some of her clothes. That's a legit excuse.

Superman and I took her to The Great Retail Empire and got her a new pair of pants for school, decent shorts for gym, and a few shirts. I have told her that I'm instituting a uniform for her. She won't have to wear exactly the same thing every day, but it'll be similar. Pants or skirts in plain colors, and t-shirts or other plain modest shirts also in plain solid colors. No patterns, no adornment. And close toed shoes. She would rather wear flip-flops, even though it's getting too cold to wear those now. She needs a few more pair of pants and maybe another skirt or two. She has one that I know works well. It's a pale pink corduroy skirt that I made for her. I don't know where it is right now, though. I saw her wearing it last week, but Jeebus only knows where it is now.

Today she is having what passes for a birthday party. Two of her friends are here. They have balloons, and Diva made a strawberry cake with strawberry icing (we bought the cake mix and can of frosting last night). Superman just took the three of them over to the municipal park/play ground not far from here. Light, it's the same place where you broke your arm when you were Diva's age. Remember that? I hope no one breaks any bones today. I'm too busy and too old for that shit.

The whole birthday party thing is her idea and her Daddy's responsibility. That was understood from the very beginning by all involved. I didn't even have to make excuses for myself. They both already knew that I wouldn't be involved. I love that they automatically assume I'm not going to participate. Actually, I did participate in a small way. I've been in my office ever since the guests arrived, trying to ignore them. At one point they were popping balloons and jumping around in the living room. It was too loud and rambunctious, and Superman was busy with something else. I walked into the room and spoke firmly (and was perhaps a bit loud) saying that this was NOT indoor kind of behavior, and if they wanted to make such a ruckus they needed to go outside. That's all the guests have seen of me. Diva's Mama is a fussy bitch! I value that impression.

Enough of this foolishness. I'm gonna post this, go take a nap, then get up and finish the paper I've started. After which I will attack the big bad journal article. Ugh.

Update: Diva's party is over. No one broke any bones and all survived until the end, even Superman. I slept through most of it.

I finished my film review paper and emailed it to the instructor. Now I have to start research for my article. Going crazy in 3...2...1

Thank Therapy

My dear friend Tobey over at Bald Emotions has posted a "thank therapy" list. This is a great idea for this season, but it's probably useful many other times of the year. Remind me of this next time I get into a blue funk.

Here's my list of 25 things for which I am thankful:

1. Indoor plumbing, a perennial favorite

2. Sex

3. Validation that Sproing really is psychologically disturbed

4. Sproing being in a residential treatment facility where he is getting help

5. ...and by extension, Sproing not being here to wreck daily havoc on my life

6. My precious kitty cats, who bring so much comfort and fun to my days

7. Central air conditioning

8. Autumn

9. Twitch doing so well in college

10. Light, ditto

11. The interwebs, specifically blogs and those who write them

12. My computer, through which I access this interwebby thing

13. The dear friends I have made through blogging

14. My wonderful husband Superman, our marriage, and the joy we share with each other

15. Being in college again -- it makes me feel alive!

16. Psychotropic medication, which makes this list possible

17. Cool weather

18. Diva, and being able to spend time with her alone, getting to know her outside of the Sproing dynamic

19. Indigo, my beloved friend who has changed my life is so many good ways

20. Therapy, and specifically my therapist

21. My health, such as it is, and would that I take better care of it

22. Music that soothes the savage beast (that would be me)

23. Having my own room, my office, which is mine, dammit

24. My intellect and insight, when it works

25. Modern kitchen appliances: beware the trap of taking them for granted

random, and school

I like men in kilts.

I don't like scorpions.

I love gay men (most of the ones I know, anyway).

It is good to be back in school. Tuesday was the first day back, and I've been to all my classes twice now. The first day of class is pretty useless as far as getting any work done, but we begin to know each other, students and professor. I like all my profs so far. My psych profs are terrific. I have three psych classes: abnormal psych, systems of psychotherapy (both taught by the same prof) and research methods. The methods class is the big ugly required class that everyone dreads. So far it's been terrific. I've never had this particular professor before, and didn't know if I would like him. I do! He's interesting and animated and we've had some great class discussions already. The guy who teaches abnormal and therapy is a big bear (straight) of a guy with a laid back nature and a great sense of humor. I have been eager to take classes from him since I first got to the school.

I have another sociology class, SOC 202. It's like SOC 101 on steroids. The subject is interesting, and the class is fairly diverse. In addition to me there are at least three other non-traditional students. I am, of course, the oldest. One guy in his mid 30s works as a guard at a men's prison around here. There are two other women who are a bit older than most students and have some life experience. At least one of them has children as well. The professor is a middle-age black woman, the sort you might expect to be a sociology professor. I'm not sure about her yet. She has an excellent syllabus and demands high quality effort from the students. I like that about her. However, I get the feeling that she may have some causes to champion, and that might make for some tense class discussions. So far so good, though.

The other class is Theater and Film. I need the fine arts credit, and it looked like the best option in the department. The class is large for this school. It's a small school, and most classes have 20 to 25 students in them. This class has 40, and most of them are freshmen. First semester freshmen, at that. (I think I blogged a little about this earlier in the week. I'm too lazy to check, and I'm on a roll now so I'm gonna keep rolling.) I like the professor. She has practical experience in theater. She was for over a decade the chief muckity-muck at our community theater, and she now administers the college's performing arts series (can't remember what it's called). I don't think she teaches drama or has anything to do with directing the plays or anything, though. I'm not sure. Not that it matters. Whatever. If I can get over the freshmen I'll be OK. (Gotta check out the guys, check for sexy and run my gaydar over 'em.)(There are way to many proto-sorority girls in the class. That type really bugs me.)

More random stuff: The gender conformity issues are nagging me again. How comfortable am I with being a woman? It depends on how one defines "woman." I ain't no girly-girl. Never have been, never will be. And why do I generally not like women? There are some women that I like a lot, women I like spending time with, women who are my friends. But the thought of spending time in the company of a generic woman or women (whatever the hell that is) really turns me off. I much prefer spending time with men. Being with straight men is sometimes iffy, just because the sexual tension gets in the way. I'm a shameless flirt. I can't help myself. One of the reasons I've allowed myself to get so overweight is to build a barrier of protection around me so that I won't be seen as sexually desirable to those not in the know (i.e. anyone but Superman). But I like men a lot, in a lot of different ways, and that's one reason I find myself so drawn to gay men. Sexual tention isn't an issue. Gay men tend to respect me much more than do most straight men I've known. That's a big plus.

I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm feeling teary.

Have a good weekend.

Why I like the first day of school

• Those darling children are in school! Away from home from 7:20 a.m to 4:00 p.m. (there 'bouts). (not sure exactly when the bus will bring them home. School dismisses at 3:20, I think)
• The house is quiet the whole time they are gone.
• Everything is full of potential. They bring home a bazillion papers for me to fill out and sign; all the teachers send documents declaring their ideals and expectations for academic and behavioral achievement. Everything is possible. Notebooks will be neat, homework will be done, all the topics will be covered, everyone will sit in their places with bright shining faces. It's all possible. (in a month or less none of this will prove true)
• It's a day of celebration for harried parents everywhere. I imagine the day care centers are rejoicing, too. I celebrated by getting a package of gooey sweet blueberry-filled pastry.
• I can do stuff without being interrupted (as much).
• I can nap peacefully, knowing someone else is monitoring the children.
• I can watch movies during the day that I wouldn't allow my children to see.
• Superman comes home for "lunch" and we can make all the noise we want, with no kidlets to interrupt.

Spring Break - the finale

This has been an interesting week. We got a couple of inches of snow last Sunday night and the public schools were closed Monday. The low temperatures at the beginning of the week were in the low-mid 20s here in the upper-left chamber of the heart of South Carolina. Last night's low temperature was warmer than the high temperature for Tuesday. Today's forecast shows a high of 76F (24C). So it appears that my spring break was spent bringing spring to Greenwood. I can't take full credit for that, though, so don't get too excited. 

This is what the Bradford Pear tree in our front yard looks like today. 

I was afraid we wouldn't have viable blooms, since it started blooming a couple of weeks ago and, as I mentioned, we've had some very cold temps since then. Evidently these pear blossoms (ornamental only) are pretty hearty. I hope the state's peach trees haven't bloomed yet. South Carolina and Georgia are two very big peach producing areas. 'Twould be a shame to have our peach crops damaged yet again. 

There were many things I had in mind to accomplish during my week of spring break. Alas, I didn't do many of them. Does that upset me? Only a little bit. Mostly I rested, and that is very important. I did not read all the chapters in the various textbooks that I intended to read, did not write up the few paragraphs of response from the chapters in my Careers on Psych book. I did check the syllabus for that course earlier in the week, and discovered that I have a 2+ page paper due tomorrow, in addition to the chapter response thing. I actually did some research for it, and I think I've found the info I need to write the thing. But I didn't write it like I intended to on Friday. Or yesterday. Guess what I'm going to do this afternoon? Write a paper or two. And read a couple of chapters in this book and that, and read a story for my English class. That should keep me busy until bedtime. 

But what am I doing now? I look busy. Sometimes I think I can fool myself into thinking I am busy if I get busy with this sort of thing. The truth always intrudes, though, and I can't deny that I need to get started with my actual work. 

That is all. 

Coming up for air

I love school! I'm so pumped just being in class. I wish the class periods lasted a little bit longer. Especially my Mon/Wed/Fri classes, which only last an hour. Tues/Thurs I'm in class for 1.5 hours, and that's better. I feel more alive than I have in a long time.

...in some respects. In other respects, I'm dead. As in "dead tired." I may have mentioned that my iron levels are low. I'm taking an iron supplement, but it takes a while for that to make a difference. I haven't been sleeping as long as I should. I stay up late studying then get up at 5:30 to start the new day. All my classes are back-to-back, so I don't have a break between them, but once I get a break I'm done for the day. 

There is an awful lot of information coming at me really fast. I have always been a thinker, so the brain work isn't too different. I just haven't had to think this big and this fast in a while. Hopefully I'll get into the swing of it and it won't seem quite so, I dunno, intense. 

All but two of my classes are freshman level courses, and sure enough there are a lot of freshmen around. 18-19 year olds are stoopid, irritating, thoughtless, clueless, and really try my patience. I smile and shut up mostly. I met a woman who is in a situation similar to mine. She's in her 40s, has 4 kids (teens in high school and a couple of 20 somethings out of the house), is getting a degree in psych and minoring in business for a mid-life career change. We were both extremely happy to see each other in the two classes we share. 

I have yet to finish the first chapters in two of my textbooks. I start them, read about halfway through, then either fall asleep or get pulled away to something else. I've glanced over the rest, and looked over the power point slides for one of them. But I have tests and stuff next week. I plan to get through the chapters this weekend, to read and understand the whole thing. 

I am exploring the campus. I wandered all over the student center building the other day and discovered a secret hallway. Well, it's really not all that secret, but it isn't obvious. Many of the student support services have offices there. This is a stretch for me. I'm great at driving down different roads to see what's there. But to walk around and chance a personal encounter with another human being is more bravado than I usually muster. The biggie was going into the cafeteria. It is big and strange and full of people. There are social expectations, those unwritten codes of behavior that if violated make you look like a dweeb. 

It's a fancy modern cafeteria, with different stations for different types of food. There are no trays and no tray runways. It works a lot like a buffet restaurant, actually. Diners get a plate and use tongs to pick up various food stuffs. There are a few places where a cafeteria lady dishes out portions. I suspect they do that to keep the boys from scarfing all the more expensive food. There's a salad bar, an area with the main entree and side dishes du jour, a pizza station, a sandwich station, a deli type area. (I think that's what it is. I haven't been to that one yet. There is also a dessert station and an array of cereal dispensers. Cheerios, frosted mini wheats, raisin bran, chocolate rice crispies, sugar coated puffed wheat, and a few others. I think there are 8 different cereals. 

There are a couple of drink stations. It's a Pepsi campus! Pepsi is my favorite, and around here there are lots of Coke-only establishments. The drink stations offer soda and juice, healthy or flavored fizzy sugar water. And milk. Coffee too.  Of the cookies I've sampled I like the oatmeal raisin the best. Those cookies are fantastic dipped in the coffee! I saw a soft serve ice cream dispenser, but haven't had any of that yet. The food is excellent, the facility is comfortable and welcoming. If you are looking for a good school based on the quality of the dining facilities, I recommend Lander. 

The thing I miss the most is visiting your blogs. I haven't had time to post or read much of anything. I barely keep up with my email. Hopefully I'll establish a routine of study and home obligations that allows me to slip in a bit more blog time as well. 

That's all my brain will reveal right now. If I could post on the go I'd have shared all sorts of little snippets of insight or interesting tidbits that crossed my mind during the week. Unfortunately I didn't write them down and now can't remember much. 

Bliss

The children are at school. Ahhhhhh!

I got these gooey chocolatey caramel rolls to celebrate the day. Light is still here, but she sleeps late and is quiet and helpful. I shared one of my celebratory goodies with her. She is also very glad her siblings are at school today.

She's flashing a bit of thigh, there. Controll yourselves, boys and girls. :)

School starts tomorrow!!

It has been a long summer. I am fit to be tied with my two youngest children.

Where did that expression "fit to be tied" originate? I have no idea. I learned it from my parents.

I'm trying to learn how to keep my emotions under control. Right now I am tempted to lose all patience and decorum with Diva and Sproing. They have been instructed to clean the living room and the kitchen. I was there with them for a while, trying to point out what needs to be done. I ended up just fussing at them.
Good mommy points:

• I did not scream. I kept my voice firm and commanding without screeching or getting too loud.
• I didn't touch either one of the. The temptation to spank was strong, but I kept my hands off of them because I am too angry to control myself

Sproing is grounded for all eternity because last week he stole money from my wallet, went across a busy 4 lane highway to buy himself some candy. He then lied to me about where he got the candy. That was last week.

Yesterday the two of them got into my truck, which was parked in the driveway. To give you perspective, our driveway slopes gently toward the back yard, and I back the truck into the parking spot. The kids said they wanted to sweep the driveway and needed the truck moved. That might be true, but they lie a lot. They got into the truck, released the parking brake, and were incredibly surprised when it began to roll. Diva jumped out of the truck and ran behind it to try to stop it. She's not very bright. Light happened to walk out the back door about then. Sproing heard the door close, so he jumped out of the truck and ran around to the front yard, removing himself from the scene of the crime. Light saw the empty truck slowly rolling toward the back yard. She jumped in the cab and set the parking brake.

Did I mention that school starts tomorrow?

But wait, there's more! Yesterday afternoon Diva went to spend some time with a friend of hers who lives about a 10 minute drive over toward the lake. She called the house late in the afternoon to ask if her friend could spend the night over here. Daddy said NO! The friend's dad brought Angel home around 8:30 last night. Somewhere in the chain of communication a lie slipped in. Angel and her friend told the dad she was able to spend the night. We didn't realize it immediately, because they sneaked in the house while we were otherwise occupied. The kids started getting ready for bed, told us they were fine and didn't need us to come check on them. I'm so naive. We gave them kisses and they went off to bed. It was only when they got loud half an hour later that Superman went to check on them. Lo and behold, who should he see in the room but this other sweet little girl!?

To complicate matters, as if they aren't complicated enough, we had a violent thunderstorm last night. We all like the lightning and thunder. It's energetic and thrilling. Of course this little uninvited guest is scared spitless. What a wonderful excuse to take the child home! Superman tried to call her home, but no one answered. So she ended up spending the night.

The darling's dad picked her up around noon today. He and Superman discussed what had happened with the purposeful miscommunication. I think Tinkerbell might be in some trouble, too. But let me tell you, Diva and Sproing are both in deep trouble! Sproing was in on the deal, and actually did a huge chunk of the lying when he talked to Diva on the phone yesterday and told her that Dad said "yes" when that was not, in fact, true. No sleepovers for either of them, here or at someone else's house, for the rest of the year. They are cleaning the living room and kitchen now and for the rest of the afternoon. I'm working them all day today. Bedtime is 7:00. I hope they had fun last night and this morning, because that's the last bit of fun with friends either of them will have for weeks. Grrrr.

But I didn't hit either of the, and my voice has remained at an almost normal conversational volume. And I had about 3 glasses of wine. We might take a nap this afternoon. :)

And school starts tomorrow. We'll get up at 6:00, get bathed, dressed, and fed. At 7:15 I will take them to the school. Happy joy!! They will walk home in the afternoon, probably not getting here until almost 3:00. Isn't that wonderful? I'm very excited.

Just checking in

Some updates on what kind of mess I've been in recently

Internet access has been sketchy. We got a new wireless router last night, and it seems to be working better than the old one. I've had internet all night. Lucky me.

In other news, our air conditioner isn't working right. The compressor is compressing, the fan out there is blowing, but we've got no air movement through the vents inside the house. Superman's plan is to crawl under the house this morning to see what he can do about it. In the meantime, I'm hot and uncomfortable and grumpy, etc. I don't want to talk about it anymore right now.

I went over to the local college this week. Talked to an admissions counselor. I am one step closer to going back to school. This is good news. There is a lot to say about that, none of which I will say now. Stay tuned.

I still have a couple of stories to tell about meeting bloggers on my latest road trip. You remember that one? The one I returned from over 2 weeks ago? I'm a good procrastinator.

You may have noticed in that first paragraph I said I've had internet all night. Yes, that means I've been up all night. It is close to 7:00 a.m. now. Don't know why I do this to myself. I have had a wonderfully peaceful time blogging and emailing tonight, though. I'm going to sleep very soon. The words on the screen are beginning to run together.

Goodnight, and thanks for all the fish.