Whatever

Advisory: This is a long, rambling, and morose whine. I wrote it for catharsis, not necessarily for you to read. Read if you want, but it's a real downer and I don't recommend it.

Superman took the girls away for the weekend. They've gone to his parents' place for a family celebration, yada yada, I didn't go. Last year he took Sproing and a lovely time was had by all. I guess. This year he took Diva and Light. So the boys and I are here on our own until Sunday evening.

The ennui has morphed into a dark depression. Yesterday was incredibly thick. It was hard to move. Sproing wanted to go to the goat farm that I took Indigo to when he was here. He's been nagging me about it all week. Thursday I was extremely dizzy. I'd told him if I could, I'd take him to the goat farm on Friday.

I woke up without the dizzies on Friday so I took Sproing and Twitch out to the goat farm. I learned that they only make soaps with their goat milk. It isn't a big enough operation to be a full-fledged dairy, so no milk or cheese. The boys had a good time. I wondered around behind them, making sure Sproing didn't get into trouble. It took a lot of energy to think, to move, to talk to the boys. I was in a pea soup fog. We didn't stay long, but then there isn't all that much to see. They fed some crumbs to the catfish in the pond. That was the biggest thrill. Those catfish are big and ugly. Then we came home. I don't even know what happened the rest of the day. I know I was very sad. Just sad.

This morning it was worse. Sad. I had an email exchange with some of my cousin/brother/in-law relatives last night and this morning. Some of the girls want to do a cousins vacation in the spring. I was vaguely aware of this, but the two cousins who are actively organizing it finally got my email yesterday, so I only just got in on the deal. They want to vacation in or near Myrtle Beach, SC. Two of them are in Virginia, four are in Florida, and I'm in South Carolina. Myrtle Beach is about half way for everyone else.

Whatever. I don't like Myrtle Beach. I only went once, and probably saw the worst of the tourist trap area, but there is a lot of tourist trap nastiness. If that's where everyone else wants to go, good for them. My brother lives in Daytona Beach, which has the same sort of plastic atmosphere. One of my cousins lives in Virginia Beach. Again, same thing. So I compared Myrtle Beach to both of those towns and said if that's OK, then go for it. Then I suggested a couple of other places, one on the southern coast of North Carolina, the other in southern South Carolina. These places are less spoiled, smaller, more intimate and slower paced. I just wanted to offer an option in case anyone was interested.

I got an email from my brother's wife this morning. She took offense. She's the one that provided the cousins with my email address, so she says in her message to me (copied to all the cousins)

"I’m so glad I provided your email address to everyone so that you could bash the city I live in. [My brother] wants you to know that Daytona Beach is the only semi-permanent home for the London Symphony Orchestra with 20 years of bi-annual concert series, two broadway series perform full schedules in Daytona, The Peabody and the Oceanwalk Bandshell are historic landmarks, Daytona is home to at least 7 state parks, Ponce Inlet is a beautiful state seashore and home of the Ponce Inlet Lighthouse and Oak Hill is home to Mosquito Lagoon which is one of the most unique waterways in the nation. ...I’m proud of where I live."

Well shit.

This is my response; copy all:

"My dear cousins, It was never my intent to denigrate the fine cities which have grown up around these popular ocean front vacation destinations. I am aware that there is much cultural and historic significance in both Daytona Beach and Virginia Beach. Fine cities, both of them. You are all extremely lucky to be living in or close to such wonderful places.
Please accept my sincerest apologies."

When I was on my way home from Baltimore last month I stopped in Virginia Beach and stayed with my cousin S. She is a lovely woman, gracious, practical, talented, a joy to be with. While we were chatting I told her that I feel out of place among the cousins. I'm the oldest, my two brothers are also older than all the rest. I feel a generation removed from my youngest brother who is only 4 years my junior. They all identify more with the culture of the 80s or later. My middle brother, 2 years younger, likes the classic rock of the 70s, but that's about as old as he gets. Me, I actually identify more with the 60s and early 70s culture. I'm a throw back.

So I discussed this with cousin S. She couldn't believe I felt so out of it. She's never felt as if I was not a part of the group. She always looked up to me when we were kids, because I'm so much older than her. Makes a big difference when she's 7 and I'm 17. Not so much in the mid 30s and 40s. She's always liked me. That's nice.

But this whole exchange with my sister-in-law reinforces my feeling that I just don't fit in with the rest of the brothers and cousins and associated in-laws. I'm too strange. My social skills are defective. I hate this feeling. I wish I could disappear into the void and they would forget all about me. Like George Bailey, I wish I'd never been born.

Those are the details. I've been incredibly sad today. For a few hours this morning I sat here with tears streaming down my face. I cry very quietly. I told the boys I was sad, that it wasn't their fault, that I was just having a sad day. I think they were concerned about me, but didn't take it personally. I hope that's right. They have treated me rather delicately today, which is nice. I took a long nap in the middle of the day. Slept from around noon until 4:00. Felt a bit better after I woke up. I got up and fixed supper for Sproing and myself. Twitch had fed himself earlier. I felt better after food, too.

Talked to Superman this afternoon. I asked him when he's leaving to come home. It's a 5-6 hour drive. He said they are leaving after lunch. After LUNCH?? You mean you won't be home until evening? I'm dying here. You've been gone for 3 days. (He left Thursday morning). I'm having trouble keeping my shit together and you want to lolly-gag along, not get home until the very end of another day of hell for me??
Addendum: I didn't actually say that to him. I think I said "After lunch? That late? Well, whatever." with tears about to overflow the eyelids.
I know. It isn't fair. I've been leaving him here with all the kids for over a week all year. Three times since January. He's visiting his parents. He has the girls with him. They are having a wonderful time, from all accounts. Whatever. I'm confused now as to whether I should be upset or not. I'm depressed, and that screws up my sense about this stuff. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. I should call and apologise to him now.
More addendum and update: I did apologise. We exchanged a few cell phone text messages. He says he loves me. I believe him.

And the air conditioner quit working this morning. Again. My life is hell.