Thoughts on depression and not being so depressed

So I was talking to Superman this morning while I was painting the firewood rack in our backyard. We were talking about my increased motivation and the lessening of my depression. I said that I'd had brief episodes of feel-good-motivation-to-get-stuff-done (hereafter referred to as "motivation") surrounded by lots of mope-and-not-getting-much-accomplished (hereafter referred to as "depression"). I feel as though I've been depressed for probably 30, maybe 35, of my 52 years. That's total periods of depression interspersed with days/weeks/years of feeling pretty good and motivated, mostly in bursts of days or weeks, not months or years. Superman remembers it a bit differently, that I was motivated more often than depressed until about seven or eight years ago, which would be when Diva and Sproing (who are now 16.5) began to get really difficult, and when Twitch was in the worst of his teen years. Now that the kidlets are in the worst of their teen years (and have been for at least four years) things are still bad. Refer to, oh hell, most of my blog archives, since I started this blog in 2007 when I was already in the dumps.

I painted the firewood rack this morning. I asked Twitch to do it last week and he just never got around to it. He had lots of excuses. Excuses are his speciality. He's a lazy son of a bitch.

Oh, and did I tell you that Manny is back?  We sprung him from the repair shop on Friday, IIRC. $550 for bail, or repairs in this case. Damn. Ron the mechanic said I really need to get this oil leak fixed, too. It's in the lifter area, evidently the gasket on the lifter head leaks. There are other oil leaks, but he says probably 90% of the oil is coming from there. That repair will probably cost at least $400.

Manny's clutch appears to be fine, it was the bracket holding the clutch and brake pedals that broke, causing the clutch to slip badly. This is what Ron the mechanic says. I really don't know much of what I'm talking about. I don't know the difference between a broken clutch and a slipped clutch. I do know that he's shifting just fine now.

And I feel the need for a trip. I'd love to go to western PA again to see Light, but I could be happy with a weekend camping trip in the mountains, perhaps a day driving the Blue Ridge Parkway.

It's late, I'm tired, and all sorts of other things. So goodnight, and I'll see about writing more before too long. I'd like to blog at least once a week rather than the once or twice a month I've managed recently. Motivation, people!!

I'm back

Betcha didn't notice I was gone, huh?

I ran away for a few days, got some mountain therapy. I went camping all by myself not too far from the Blue Ridge Parkway. On my way home yesterday I drove a couple of hours on the BRP. And by "on my way" I mean more than 100 miles out of my way. But that's my way.

I have pictures. Yes, I got a new camera. I'd take a picture of it, but it can't take its own picture, right? Ah, never mind. Look it up. It is a Canon little blue thing. Canon with some letters and numbers after it. A quick and dirty point-and-shoot because that's my way. I'd post the pictures now, except I haven't downloaded them yet and I can't reach the camera from where I'm sitting. I'm also somewhat cat stuck, so of course I can't get up.

Can you tell I am lazy today?

I had to get away from the little troll monsters. I was just about over the edge. I had a fine time and felt much better while I was there. The damnedest thing, though, is that I came back and here it was, waiting for me. Sproing was here when I got home, and he was a total asshole to me. Diva was at the skating ring (as she calls it) and I was in bed when she got home, so I didn't see her until this morning. She's acting all nice and friendly, which just pisses me off. There's something about her that creeps me out. She can be nice, but she's so often cruel to me that the nice seems like the worst kind of hypocrisy and/or cover-up.

I'm home and irritable. Except Superman, everyone else in this house irritates me. As Superman says, "I want them all gone."

Did I tell you that C lost his job? He has worked at the donut shop for nearly two years, off and on. The owner's daughter works there, too, of course, and (or but) she has a bit of a drug problem. She evidently has been skimming from the till. She has even admitted it before. Well, two weeks ago there was some money missing and the owner blamed C for it and fired him. He says, of course, that he didn't take it, and he probably didn't. (Once you're lied to so many times, it's very difficult to believe anyone. C doesn't lie to me, I think, but so many other young people do that I have a hard time believing anyone any more.) But the owner fired him nevertheless. So right now none of the young adults in this household are working. Actually, Superman is the only one with a job. It's a bad position to be in. We've given the guys (including Twitch) some significant home improvement and landscape jobs to do in lieu of rent payment this month, but so far none of them has even started. I am pissed.

I need to stop talking about this right now, I'm getting too worked up. I'm trying to remain chill. Hard to do around here.

I was away from home for three days. I left Tuesday afternoon (if I recall) and got home late yesterday afternoon. Whilst I was away Superman had to leave work for at least 1.5 hours each day to take care of Sproing or Diva's needs. Diva had a doctor's appointment, Sproing had to be picked up from school. (Did I mention he's going to the "alternative" school now? No transportation except us unless we can show need.) Yesterday Sproing was complaining of back pain and couldn't sit in his desk without pain. So he says. Superman had to pick him up early, then didn't get away from the house for over an hour.

Superman was commenting about how  much of his time they needed during the day, and I said yeah, that's one of the main reasons I don't have a job. I feel a bit guilty, or bad, about not bringing in any income, but I know how much running around I do during the weekday taking care of these kids' needs. I need him to validate my significance for that sometimes. He told me he appreciates all that I do so that he can stay at work. I feel better now. (maybe a little bit, anyway)

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I have a problem with Mother's Day from a mother's perspective. I'm fine from a daughter's perspective. I'll call my Mama either tonight or tomorrow and all will be well. I gave her a gift when I saw her last month in Florida. No, it's my kids. The only kid I enjoy spending time with lives 600+ miles away. The other three who bug the crap out of me to varying degrees live way too close. Diva asked me today what I'd like for Mother's Day. She wants to cook me dinner. I'm OK with that, but have to decide what I want. But like I said previously, she kinda creeps me out and I don't trust her when she's being nice to me. As for Sproing, we had a brief interaction yesterday and he was unbelievably disrespectful to me. Superman had a talk with him and came away confused as to why Sproing seems to hate me so vehemently. I don't know. I wish we could ignore Mother's Day around here.

I've been having dreams recently in which I'm being attacked my small children. I used to love kids. I wanted lots. Be careful what you wish for. I'm so bitter and cynical about children now, and I hate it. Honestly, I am afraid of children.

I'm worried about Superman. He is under incredible stress. He was talking to the family therapist while I was away this week, and the therapist said if he doesn't relieve some of this stress it's gonna kill him. Kill him. Dead. I really really really don't want him dead. I need him desperately, I love him deeply, he is a large part of who I am. He needs to not be dead. And this kind of stress will kill a man. I've seen it happen before. With our recent brush with mortality (my Daddy) I'm even more aware of how fragile life can be.

The kids are putting us in danger, mentally, emotionally, and even physically. It makes sense to get them out of the house. We've been trying to get Diva out of here. We've looked into group homes and such, and due to her behavior history she doesn't qualify for placement in most of the places we can afford to put her. The state hasn't helped much. At all. We have yet another meeting with the Continuum of Care folks on Tuesday. Maybe there's something yet to be done.

Damn, I'm depressing myself. When I started this post my intention was to be cheerful and shit. And really, I had a lovely time in the mountains, even when putting up the tent in the rain (almost). (Almost a good time, not almost putting up the tent in the rain. I did put up the tent in the rain.) Thursday and Friday were gorgeous weather days. The drive yesterday was spectacular. Then last night I got to sleep with my husband (and also "sleep" with my husband) and that was lovely. The cat is affectionate, as if perhaps she missed me. She's getting fine black hairs all over me, but that's one of the ways she expresses her love, I like to believe. Oh, I also read a few books while I was gone. Lovely gay romances, mostly. I stayed up all night reading one on Wednesday night/Thursday morning, didn't go to sleep until maybe 8 in the morning. And no one was there to deride me for that shit. Love my Kindle!

Plans for today are to stay away from people as much as possible and perhaps get some more sleep. Lovely time in the mountains, not quite enough sleep. Eh. It's my way.

Oh, also, I bought a new "Welcome" mat to go in front of the tent in order to reduce the dirt going into the tent. Our front door mat is old and useless, so when I got home we threw out the old one, replaced it with the new one. The new one actually says "Welcome" on it. As introverted and, perhaps, unsocial as I am, I really don't like my door mat to say "Welcome." The old one said "Wipe Your Paws." That was better. I've seen one in magazines that says "Go Away" which suits me even better. Maybe I should get a plain mat and paint something like "Enter at Your Own Risk" on it. Although actually I like "Go Away" better.

Be back here soon, hopefully, with pictures from the trip.

Pictures!!

I finally transferred the pictures from my camera to my computer today. Here are some shots of my journey back from the visit to Pennsylvania and Maryland.

These were taken at a scenic view pull-off on, I think, Skyline Drive in Virginia.

This was taken in the parking lot of the place I had breakfast on Skyline Drive.

 

 This is the survey marker at that place on Skyline Drive

At 3703 feet above sea level, temperatures are considerably cooler than they are in, oh, say Baltimore, Maryland. As you can see, my head was in the clouds. Literally.

When one is in the midst of a cloud and on the ground, it's called fog. I prefer to think of it as clouds. 

 Obviously I didn't have those majestic vistas that Skyline Drive and the Blue Ridge Parkway are so famous for, but there was a beautiful sense of isolation and serenity there in the clouds.

 Later in the afternoon the clouds lifted some and I was able to see into the valley.

My drive through the mountains established a peace within my soul. 

This next photo is of the James River in North Carolina along the Blue Ridge Parkway. So pretty! 

I didn't stay here long. I only stopped for a bathroom break and to stretch my legs a bit. Superman was eager for me to return home. Can't say as I blame him, but I really didn't want to come back to what passes for my life here.

But I eventually did come home. I've posted a few times about our adventures since. Most of them are unpleasant. Which may not be entirely fair. My life here isn't totally unpleasant all of the time. There are definite good times. But Diva's presence casts a pall over everything. 

In other news...

I've been laid up with a broken toe since Friday evening. I told you about it in the previous blog post. I did not see the doctor Monday as I said I might. Didn't want to leave the house. Didn't want to try to put a shoe on my right foot. This morning, however, I called the doctor's office for an appointment. I need to get my blood pressure and blood sugar levels (A1C) checked anyway. (My doc keeps tabs on these things every three or four months.) However, the first available appointment my doctor has is for next Monday. So I took that one. The toe will have to do its thing without my doctor's supervision. Nothing to be done about it anyway. 

And today I took pictures! 

 I gotta tell ya', it isn't easy taking a picture of one's own foot, especially if one is "circumferentially challenged" as I am.

 The shot below is sort of scary.

 This next shot seems to show the extent of the bruise better. It's faint, but extends in an arc about 2, maybe 2.5 inches from the pinkie toe.

It hurts a lot less today than it has. I put on my shoes (yes, both of them!) and went out this afternoon. Didn't really have anything to do, but I've been lying around on my ass for three days and felt the need to get out. I had an omelet at IHOP then went for a little drive. 

The drive was helpful. Kids are out of school now so they're home all the time. Diva is, anyway. Sproing goes out to hang with his friends some. Having her in the house oppresses me. As helpful as my drive through the mountains was, I thought perhaps a local excursion would be nice. And it was. I drove north to the next little town, then hung an east and made a big circle (well, part of a circle) around the burg. Out in the country, maybe 10-15 miles from town. It was lovely. And I stopped to pick up an application to the local agency on aging. The nice lady said they didn't have anything available now, but were accepting applications and keep them on file for six months. Maybe. Whatever. 

And when I got home I felt more empowered than I have in days. I enforced some rules with the kids, stood my ground and administered consequences. It wasn't all ugly or nothin', just a few things that needed to be addressed. Then I came back to my room and put my foot up again, 'cause damn! That sucker hurt! My foot swelled up around the toe area after a bit of activity, and it was time to rest again. That shoe didn't feel nearly as comfortable as it had when I put it on. 

And that's about all I've got for now.