Yeah, whatever

I'm back. Did you miss me? That was a rhetorical question to which I don't really want an answer.

I haven't turned on my computer in almost two weeks. I've done a little bit of Facebork browsing on my smart (sic) phone. My phone is old and stupid (for a smart phone) and won't give me much. I can "like" a post, comment on posts sometimes, but not much else. Aside from that, I haven't been online.

I have, however, been thinking about lots of my online friends. Hi guys! Not doing much about it, but thinking of you fondly.

Depressed. Oh, and pollen. I didn't even stand near the opened door for five days last week, the pollen was so bad. It's still pretty heavy, but not as bad as it was even earlier this week. I was out yesterday, took Diva to her therapist, and had to shower when I got home to get rid of the pollen. I was out earlier this morning, going to the high school, and haven't even had to washed my face and I'm OK.

I was called to the principal's office. Diva again. Remember the fight she got into a few weeks (months?) ago? She's still fighting with the girl, but not with fists. She posted a vulgar tirade online attacking the other girl, and I was called in today to a conference with the school resource officer and the principal and Diva about it. Posting vulgar tirades against someone is technically illegal. Not sure I knew that, but whatever. The other girl's mother doesn't want to press charges now as long as this shit ends. Diva sat through the meeting with a scowl on her face. If Diva does this shit again the charge will be harsher, something about a pattern of behavior and harassment. I wish the other mother would press charges. Maybe I can talk to the resource officer (he's a sergeant with the Sheriff's dept.) to encourage the other mom to press charges. But if she is charged, the offense will be added to her list of charges and we'll wait for-fucking-ever to go to court and my life with suck until then. And probably after, because shit.

I'm so fucking depressed. I hate my home life. I hate my house. I resent our pets. I am pissed as hell that I feel like I have to hide in my room to avoid the hellishness of my children.

Nothing works. No amount of talking to the kids, punishing them, encouraging them, doing things for them, ignoring them,  not anything works. She has charges pending against her and jack shit is happening about that. Oh, we do have an "intake interview" for her in two weeks at Department of Juvenile Justice (DJJ). We've done this before. It's filling out forms, answering the same questions over and over because these forms don't coordinate with each other to share information. Name, age, birth date, address, social security number, etc. over and over again. Probably some other questions, too, but I can't now remember. Maybe I'll post about it after the meeting, but probably not. Back to the point: DJJ will gather all this redundant information and sit on it for months. In the meantime, she'll be a pain in my ass. My therapist says this is "learned helplessness," this sense that there's no point in doing anything because nothing will change.

She ran away last month, for a weekend. She says it wasn't running away, she just left without telling us she was leaving or where she was going. Et cetera. The point: the police officer told us that when she's 17 they can't make her come home. She'll be 17 on the 4th of December. It can't come soon enough for any of us, parents and child(ren) included.

Chocolate and sex are the only things that give me pleasure these days.

Did I tell you the doctor has increased my antidepressant meds? I may have said that already in a previous post. Don't know if it helps. What will really help is changing things in my life that depress and stress me. Nothing we've done has helped. I feel like my life is in a sick holding pattern for now until the children move out. Or at least that particular girl child. The old boy needs to go, too. He's home, pretending to look for a job but mostly sitting on his lazy ass. I nag, but nagging makes me sick. I'm too depressed to fight.

And I feel like this is the only thing I ever write about here on this blog anymore. I'm bored of it all.

"All the pretty girls get cut in half while the sad clowns make us laugh."


OK, a couple of positives: I have been cleaning and decluttering a little bit. Not a bunch, but a little bit. And that's good. I got myself a new CD of The Plain White T's, the above song is on the album. The whole album has catchy songs on it. Do I like it? Dunno, but they're catchy tunes.

And baseball season started! Go Braves! It's not much, but it helps.

And I got my hair cut. Really short. Half inch all over. It looks ridiculous. Kinda reminds me of the crew cuts my Daddy used to give my brothers when they were 2-6 years old. And I don't give a flying fuck, except when I do.