Powdermilk Biscuits give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.

My new medicine, Abilify, is Powdermilk Biscuits in a little blue pill.

Do you know about Powdermilk Biscuits? Prairie Home Companion, Garrison Keillor, etc. This video is kinda long but the Powdermilk Biscuit slogan is in the first minute. The whole thing is quite good, and I recommend watching it.


I have been so productive recently, much more so than I've been in, I dunno, the last year! I have sewn three shirts, carved a crochet hook out of a 0.75 inch dowel, am in the process of finishing a shelf that I designed and Superman built. I've been busy with said crochet hook. Oh, and I am nearly finished with a needlepoint project I started over 30 years ago.

I have pictures!

 This is the crochet hook and the rag yarn I made from an old sheet. That's another thing I've kept busy with, making rag yarn. I have almost a dozen balls, some of which I've crocheted into a long thing that hopes to be a hammock eventually.

Here are a couple of detail shots of the crochet hook that I made all by myself. As if you can't tell, I'm kinda proud of this thing. Also, detail shots of my cheap kitchen table, but you can ignore that if you want.  

And here are three shirts, two of which I've made recently. The one on the left I made in February or March for this year's bloggerpalooza. I wore it Saturday night. The middle shirt is the piratey shirt I wrote about in the last post. See, Slugmama, it isn't as obnoxious as the Jerry Seinfeld puffy shirt.

The green shirt has frogs on it. It's a batik print with a couple of different froggy things on it. I like it. I have also just finished a shirt that's blue with silhouettes of dinosaurs made of maps on it. Twitch calls it the VelociMaptor shirt. I finished it about an hour ago, and it's in the washing machine now.

I started to repair a pair of shorts after I finished the shirt and my sewing machine broke!!! Dude, I'm using that thing! I'm so glad it waited to break until I finished the shirt, especially the last task for the shirt was putting in button holes. Those are a bitch to do by hand. I know this from experience. The machine is stuck in reverse. There's something wrong with the feed dogs. I'll take it to the shop tomorrow.

And speaking of stuck in reverse and in the shop, Manny.

Manny, my beloved truck, has some clutch problems. No, he's not stuck in reverse, but I had to wrestle the transmission into gear to get it to the shop. I backed up a steep hill to get out of a driveway and the thing went  (pick one), gave off a funky smell, and would barely shift. My buddy Ron the mechanic called yesterday with a preliminary estimate. He's got to fix the first thing that's wrong with it (a bracket under the dash that holds the clutch and brake pedals) before he can even tell if the clutch is bad. That first fix will cost probably at least $400. I told Light yesterday that as old as he's getting (he'll be 25 when the new year models come out later this year) he's going to increase in value from here on out. She said the only thing that will increase his value is an engine fire. I beg to differ!! Then she admitted that yes, Manny is a balm to my weary soul. Her words. Ain't she sweet. 

Today is Thursday. The kids are in school today, tomorrow, and Monday, then half a day Tuesday and Wednesday. Diva only goes half a day now anyway. Yesterday I was sewing along, having a wonderful time, then she got home and the climate in the house took a downturn. It got worse later in the day, too. She's such a bitch. Sproing is behaving much better these days. I can tell he's trying really hard, and it's working! He earned his drivers license recently and in order to drive his dad's truck he has to be very nice, cooperative, respectful, etc. For the most part he's done so. He got to drive the truck to school today, and since Manny is in the shop, I am stuck at home. This doesn't bother me. Except with my Powdermilk Biscuit medicine I am more interested in going out and doing things. Also, we're out of beer and I need to make a beer run. This paragraph has gotten away from me in a drastic way. 

The kids. Will be home all the fucking time after next Wednesday. We are not thrilled about this. Sproing has been applying for jobs, had a couple of interviews recently. Maybe he'll get a job and be at work some of the time. Diva thinks she's going to live in Abbeville with Morq during the week and answer the phones at the auto repair shop where her boyfriend works. NOT. Not after she stayed for two extra days and missed school on Monday two weekends ago. We haven't told her yet. She's gonna bust a gusset. 

We had our first meeting with her probation officer yesterday. Diva was surly and rude, no surprise. She told the officer that she's contacted a lawyer about emancipating from the family, and the officer informed her that she cannot legally emancipate while she's on probation. I refrained from laughing out loud, but I was laughing in my heart believe me. And I laughed when I told Superman about it later. Diva has the opportunity to get off probation early, before her December birthday even, if she obeys her probation requirements each month. She gets a 10 day credit against the term of probation for each month she stays out of trouble. She didn't earn credit the first month. I'll remind her about the opportunity for credit at every chance. HOPEFULLY she'll try to stay on track until she's free of probation. 

I got the application from the fabric store and filled it out. I turned it in on Monday. Haven't heard anything from them yet, but the manager told me they aren't hiring, just accepting applications. Whatever. I'll hang tight for now. 

I owe all of us this post

... not least because it's been a while.

Yes, I am faring better, generally. I'm very glad this new medicine (Abilify) is helping as well as it is, because Shit Happens. Diva shit, again, with a touch of Sproing drama.

It's hard for me to talk about because I'm so sick of it all, so sick of trying to maintain something that looks like sanity when all around me are nuckin' futts.

Let's see if I can zip through this. Last weekend Diva had permission to spend one night with her friend Morq. Friday night only. She got a ride to Morq's house in Abbeville. She said she'd be back Saturday, which indicated to us that she had a way to get home. But she didn't. We didn't hear from her on Saturday, but got a brief text giving us the phone number to her new phone. When we tried to call or text the phone we got no response. She still wasn't home on Monday morning, so after I established that she wasn't at school I called the police. A very nice officer came to the house and we discussed the situation. Between the time I called 911 and him arriving, Diva called. She was mad as hell that we hadn't gone to Abbeville to get her "like you were supposed to." First I'd heard of I-was-supposed-to.

Superman took time off from work to go get her. He lectured her a bit on the way home, so they were both in a foul mood when they got here. Then Superman gave her a chore to perform as punishment (scrape the walls in her room to remove all the extra paint she's put there with her notes and stuff). She went ballistic. "I ain't touching those G++ D~~m walls."  There were a couple of "fuck yous" sprinkled throughout. Then she started throwing stuff against the walls in her room, and throwing herself against the door. She weighs over 200 lbs, and is strong, so that's a mighty force against the door. After she finally calmed down Superman went back to work.

I was hiding in my bedroom. Twitch was doing the same in his room. We both heard her when she loudly said "I'm gonna cut myself." After a bit I wandered into the living room to check. She had my favorite paring knife and was pressing the blade against her arm. Just pressing, and not very hard. She ended up making three scratches that barely broke the skin. I asked her to give me the knife and she refused. Look, y'all, I'm sick of her games, you know? I went back to my room and called 911 again. This time I got three police officers and a two man team of EMS in an ambulance. If the Bitch wants to pull her shit with me I'm gonna call her bluff. The police took her to the emergency department at the hospital. I had to follow to sign forms to allow her to be treated, which I did. Then I left to go to my doctor's appointment. I had to tell my doctor that the new drugs are working pretty well, and oh by the way here's an example of the shit I'm managing.

The hospital psychiatrist kept Diva overnight for observation and evaluation. She got sprung on Tuesday just in time for her appointment with her therapist at the local mental health clinic. Since then she's been all sweetness and light. With her it's a dark light. Shrouded, you might say.

She and I had an interesting conversation this afternoon. She's been researching ways to be independent, to emancipate from the family. I'm all for it. She also has a boyfriend (who gave her a cell phone, so you know it's serious). Today she told me he's 23 years old. You know, I don't care. And I told her that as long as he treats her well I don't have a problem with him being that old. She says they've been talking about rings. What does that mean when she says it? I have no idea. But I volunteered the information that if she gets married she's automatically emancipated. She was shocked, thought I was fooling with her. Nope, it's the truth. Man oh man, wouldn't that be the thing, though? Get her married and out of here. She's 16, will be 17 in early December. Probably time for her to marry. Yep, I like that idea.

This afternoon I got a call from the assistant principal at the high school. Sproing has been suspended for two days. There's only six more full days and two half days until school is out. He's missing the two days before the end of course exams, which if he fails he fails the course. And they'll be doing review for the exams in those two days. It looks like he'll see 10th grade again next year. So will she, if things stay as they are with her grades and attendance records. Whatever. At 17 she's gone, her decision. I don't know about Sproing, though, whether he'll try to bolt at 17 or will wait another year. I haven't decided if I care.

Diva got her Depo shot yesterday - birth control that lasts three months. About six weeks ago she went in for the shot but told the doctor she wanted to take bc pills instead of getting the shot. I said as long as she takes the pills daily as she's supposed to, fine. But she didn't. So she's back on the shot (Phew!). They also ran some tests and she came up positive for chlamydia again. So another big dose of super powerful antibiotics for her. Her gonorrhea test was negative though, so that's good.

Let's change the subject. I'm doing all kinds of projects and shit now. I am in the middle of sewing a piratey shirt. You know, it's a piratey thing.

I finished a unique interpretation of a shirt pattern. I like it. Have I made a new skirt? No, but I need to. There are a few Simplicity patterns I want, dress and/or skirt patterns. Next week Simplicity patterns go on sale at the local Hancock fabric store. $1.99 per. I'm thrilled. :)

Speaking of Hancock fabrics, the local store is accepting applications. I've considered working there for years, and with my Abilify (or whatever is responsible for this new sense of purpose) I think I want to do it now. Superman says I should go for it because it would be good for me. Twitch told me I should so I could get out of the house because I hate it here. Boy, he's got my number, doesn't he? I thought about going over there to fill out the application today, but have decided to sleep on it another day and perhaps go tomorrow. Because I'm scared?? Maybe. I also think it'd be a good idea to sleep on it one more night. And there's a good sale on tomorrow. :-)

Enough for now. There are pictures in my phone that I want to share, but not this time.

I feel better

Still depressed, but not as bad, mostly, I think. Still easily distracted, but I suspect that has everything to do with stress and untreated Attention Deficit Disorder. I'm thinking of talking to the doctor about getting some Ritalin or some such.

My doctor, who is actually a PA but she's fantastic, has added Abilify to my daily medication regimen. I told her perhaps I should stop taking Wellbutrin, but she said let's try adding the Abilify before we subtract anything. OK, whatever. And I think the Abilify is helping. Or maybe my hormones are leveling out this week vs. last week. One never really knows about these things. I don't take my moods too seriously (or try not to) until they've been consistent for a few weeks.

And I have to talk to the MD, not the PA, about getting Ritalin. Because it's a class (whatever) drug, she can't prescribe it. What a pain in the ass.

I have begun organizing my craft/sewing stuff. Oh my gods, it's stressful!! So stressful in fact that I don't want to talk about it yet. Hang tight, maybe it'll show up later in the post.

Hot. We haz it. Well, it isn't too bad yet, but bad enough for me to bitch about it. I keep track of the weather in Burlington, VT just for kicks and giggles. Burlington is much more comfortable now than Greenwood, SC. Of course Burlington was cold as fuck a couple of months ago, but right now I don't seem to care.  It wasn't nearly cold enough here.

I planted some flowers yesterday. Some petunias in a container and a pretty multicolored Lantana in the bed beside the front door. I also put a salmon colored Geranium in a container on the front stoop. I have Morning Glory seeds soaking in water now to plant later this afternoon (probably) when the temps cool off a bit. I need Twitch to attack behind the fence garden with the tiller. It's maybe a 12 foot strip and I only need one or two tiller widths of soil for these plantings. I'm gonna plant Morning Glory and a selection of Sunflowers. We are excited about this. Well, as excited as it gets around here. That frankly isn't very excited, but what the fuck. Oh, also some of those summer flowers you see everywhere, yellow and orange, what's the name? I hate when this happens.... not Magnolia, (that's a tree). They smell kinda funky and are supposed to help keep critters out of gardens. Damn, what's the name of that flower? Ach! I have to go look it up. Hang on... MARIGOLD!! That's it. I knew it started with an "m".

And since I had to get off my ass to look at the seed packet, I got myself a bowl of chocolate ice cream. It's a bad habit I have fallen into recently. I get the low fat chocolate ice cream in a big tub from Wal-Mart. I put a few scoops in a bowl and add a little bit of skim milk, then let it sit for a minute or so. The milk freezes around the ice cream and makes lovely little icy crunchy bits. Then I add powdered malt mix and extra dark cocoa (Hershey's now sells the stuff. It's wicked good!) and stir it well. It's dark and smooth and crunchy and strong. I told my PA about it and she thinks it sounds horrible. So I call it my cruel chocolate. I also make a chocolate pudding (super easy, microwave and 5 ingredients, takes about 5 minutes) with the dark cocoa that is intense. I use less sugar and more cocoa than the recipe calls for, so it's deep dark and not too sweet. Cruel chocolate, my favorite. Kinda like cruel shoes re: Steve Martin, but tastier and less painful.

So let's talk about the kiddies. They are both now on probation, each for 9 months. Sproing started his probation a couple of months before Diva did, but Diva will probably qualify to get off early. She keeps her nose clean and doesn't violate any conditions of her probation and earns a few days off for every month she behaves. Sproing has the same deal, but can't seem to stay out of trouble. It's mostly minor trouble, but trouble enough for violation of probation. Sproing has a community service obligation which he started serving in the community garden in the Latino community. The gal who runs the garden is an old friend of mine, a gal we met at church when we lived in Easley, SC when Light was a toddler. So, yeah, I've known her and her husband for probably 22 years. Damn! That's a long time. She's super nice, and very churchy. I'm not churchy anymore. I don't know how much she knows about how much I've changed. Wait, this paragraph has gotten off topic. Let's start another.

Back to the kiddos. I had to take Diva to school this morning. Superman usually does it, but he had to be at work before 6 this morning, so I took care of it. Thing is, I forgot she needs to be awakened. She shouldn't need anyone to wake her up. She's fuckin' 16 years old now, and wants to be independent and live on her own. Well, she's gonna have to wake her lazy ass up herself to be independent. I got up at 7:30 we could leave at 7:45. She was still asleep. She wasn't late for school (starts at 8:30) but not by much.

Diva has arranged for a job for herself in Abbeville over the summer. Abbeville is about half an hour west of here. I don't know how sure this job is, it's at an auto repair shop where her friend Morq works. Don't know why an auto repair shop. Sounds more like something Sproing would do. She says she'll be answering phones or something. Anyway, we aren't going to provide transportation to and from Abbeville every day. That's a hell of a lot of gas that we can't afford, and she won't make enough money to cover gas either. She doesn't realize this. She thinks "I'll be making money, so I can afford it." But how much money, dear? "I dunno." Oy. Anyway, so she wants to stay with Morq during the week, coming home on Friday and returning to Abbeville on Sunday night. Superman thinks this is an OK idea. I'm on the fence, leaning toward letting her do it. For one thing, that will be one less Diva in my house! Hurrah! Also it will give her a taste of this independence she thinks she wants. She and Morq want to get an apartment together to move away from family. Morq is the girl with a baby. Diva says they'll get a 3 bedroom apt so the baby can have her own room and she and Morq will also have their own rooms. What kind of 3 bedroom apt can they afford? Though they could probably qualify for Section 8 housing. Morq could, anyway. Diva is still a dependent minor which I think kills the deal for her. I dunno. Don't really care, either. I find myself caring less and less. This is probably a good thing, really.

Let's try to revisit the cleaning/organizing issue. As I've mentioned in the past, I have hoarding issues. There is this thing they now call hoarding disorder. Dr. Spo, do you know about this thing? I haven't been diagnosed by anyone but myself (and I'm about half qualified to do so) but have done a little bit of research on the topic. Anyway, cleaning, organizing, and especially throwing things away is extraordinarily stressful. I worked on my office/craft room for about 45 minutes today. For some that may seem like not a long time. For me, it was. And I'm OK with it. I'll probably work on it again in the afternoon or evening for another little while. I'm actually proud that I can work on that shit for half an hour or so and NOT beat myself up for being such a wimp and not working for three hours, five hours, or until it's done. Gad, that would send me into the spaz zone.

And now I have written a long-overdue blog post in addition to working on my office/craft room and processed a load of laundry. So I'm going to reward myself with a bit of a nap, I think.

Spring Break!

See that exclamation mark in the title? I don't really mean it.

I have the depression monster sitting on my head today. Eh, whatever. I'm used to it. I don't even want to be not depressed, necessarily. I know how to do this depression thing. It's comfortable. Sort of. And everything around me (except Superman) triggers my depression. So I might as well embrace it.

So, Spring Break. Easter, as you probably know, was this past Sunday. We didn't do a thing toward celebrating it. Why bother? I don't believe in so much of what the Christian churches teach, so whatever. I did, however, buy myself a small chocolate bunny on clearance at the grocery store on Monday. So yay, happy Easter.

Being Easter and all, the schools are out. No school last Friday, and no school all this week. You know what that means. Kids here all day. Or in and out all day, with me concerned about what kind of trouble they're getting into if they aren't here. Sort of. Mostly, I'm trying not to care what they do. The depression is helping with the Not Caring thing. Spring Break also signals the impending school summer break, which lasts a painfully long time. Only about five weeks now until school's out for almost three months. Plus, it's hot here. Or it will be then. Actually right now the temps are not too bad. Warm, but not terrible.

The pollen is pretty bad, but if I stay inside I'm OK. I don't want to get out of the house anyway. Unfortunately there are things I must do. My allergies are better than they were a couple of weeks ago, so that's good. And we've had a fair amount of rain which helps wash the pollen out of the air.

A couple of things about Diva:
First the good news. Yes! There is good news! Last week was the 31st anniversary of our wedding. Superman and I eloped in March of '83 a month before the planned wedding. Then we did the public wedding thing to make our parents happy in April. We usually celebrate the March date, but Diva got wind of the April anniversary and made dinner for us. It was really sweet. She made a small cake with fruit compote topping, broiled some whitefish and dished up some carrots and applesauce for us. It was quite nice of her and I thanked her and hugged her and everything. Also, she makes really good cakes. I suspect her daddy helped with the fish. It was cooked just right. All in all a good evening. So score 1 for Diva.

Yesterday she had her intake interview with Department of Juvenile Justice (DJJ). That fight she had at school in January resulted in a criminal charge of public disturbance or something. I can't remember exactly what the charge is. So DJJ needs demographic information and assorted other crap for their files. So we did that. She was surly. I survived.

In the process of the interview she mentioned that she was still upset about an incident of molestation she experienced last year. I may have mentioned it then. It happened March a year ago. Superman and I were of course concerned about the molestation and have done what we can to help her. She's been to the local sexual abuse counseling place for some services (forensic interview, physical exam, STD testing) but refused any counseling at the time and when offered since then. Until yesterday. She told the DJJ agent when he asked that yes, she does need to talk to someone about the trauma. OK, backing up a week or two, she came to me all in a dither one Saturday recently. She'd been in serious trouble for some now-forgotten offense and was undoubtedly grounded. She started out crying about some other wrong that had been done unto her, then segued into this lament about how traumatized she is by the molestation incident.

I do not mean to minimize the impact of her being molested. It was an invasion of her very being. She was spending the night with a friend, and the ex-boyfriend of the girl's mother came into the room where they were sleeping and fondled her. She told the friend's mother the next morning, mother called the police, Diva was taken to the hospital for whatever it is they do in those cases. We followed up with the police detective who was on the case, with the sexual trauma center, and everything else we were supposed to do. We were sympathetic and concerned about her, as much as I can be sympathetic to her in light of all the abuse she has heaped on me. I really do care.

Anyway, that recent Saturday she complained bitterly that I hadn't done anything, or didn't care, or something about how upset she still is because of the sexual abuse. Just a few days prior to this someone from the sexual trauma center called to check up on Diva, see how she was doing. I was sitting with Diva at the time, and asked her, told her who was on the phone, etc. She said she was fine. So here it is Saturday and she tells me she has flashbacks, can't sleep at night, is afraid this guy is peeking in her window every night. This is all news to me. She hasn't said one word about it for months and months. I asked if she'd like to talk to someone to help her deal with her feelings and she said yes. So the following Monday I called the sexual trauma center to set up an appointment for her. The woman I needed to talk to was at lunch, I left a message, she never got back to me. I didn't follow through. Then this week Diva tells the DJJ agent that she needs to talk to someone about the abuse. I told him what I'd done and that I hadn't followed up, he told me to follow up. Yes sir, I certainly will.

I think it's impossible for me to be brief in telling a story. Sorry about that, y'all.

After we left the DJJ office in the courthouse downtown I drove directly (through the pollen) to the sexual trauma center, a mile or so south of downtown. I figured that showing up at this place, since I was already out anyway, was easier than me remembering to call back. Well, now Diva refuses to get out of the truck to come in and talk to someone. I went in, explained the situation, and after a few minutes a very nice young woman came out, willing to talk to Diva. Also, see, Diva is in regular counseling with a therapist at the local Dept. of Mental Health office. Has been for years. I mentioned this to the nice young woman who said it would be best for Diva to discuss these things with the therapist with whom she already has a good working relationship. I said "Makes sense to me. Don't know why she hasn't." But Nice Young Woman was willing to talk to Diva if she'd come in. So I went back out to the truck and Diva still refused to budge. So I went back in, thanked the Nice Young Woman, and took Diva home. Because shit. You know?

And I strongly suspect Diva is just jerking my chain. She's being manipulative. Perhaps she is traumatized by the molestation, I don't know, but I really think she throws it in my face to distract me from her other misdeeds. I have done what I can for her. I'm willing to get her the help she needs to the best of  my knowledge and ability. She, in typical Diva style, refuses to cooperate with me.

When I got home I called her therapist at the dept. of mental health, told her about the events of the day. I asked if she and Diva had worked through any of this sexual abuse trauma Diva claims to suffer. Therapist didn't remember Diva having been abused. I thought we'd told her, was sure we had, and she said, "Yes, I vaguely remember now." Therapist said she worked for four years at the sexual trauma center before taking the position she has now with Mental Health. I laughed. Because, of course. Nice Young Woman told me that Therapist was trained in exactly the same kind of therapy they use at the trauma center, and would do exactly the same thing they'd do there.

Diva has an appointment to see her Mental Health therapist next Tuesday. We shall see what we shall see.

Oh, back to the whole Spring Break and everyone's home thing. Diva Darling posted a threatening video on Facebork attacking the same girl she fought with last January. (This is related, trust me.) The police are involved with that, too. I got a call, again, from the assistant principal. We've come to know each other well this year. Gosh, that happened over a week ago I think. It took a while for consequences to hit because the Individual Education Plan (IEP) team had to meet to determine if Diva's behavior in this case is due to her clinical diagnoses before the assistant principal could hand down the punishment. We, the IEP team, decided that, no, Diva's threatening video was not related to her clinical diagnoses. Therefore Diva gets suspended for four days. Remember I said the kids were out on Friday? We had this IEP meeting last Wednesday, so Thursday was Diva's first day of suspension. The following three days of suspension occur Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of next week when school in once again in session. Fuck My Life. She gets an extra long Spring Break. She did the same thing before Christmas, got I can't remember how many days suspension just before the Christmas break to make it an extra long vacation for her. I feel so fucked over. To add insult to injury (if that's what this is) Sproing got suspended for three days the week before last, and he was at home last Monday and Tuesday, back in school Wednesday and Thursday, then off again now. At least he goes back to school next Monday.

And this is a preview of our summer break. Kids home and arguing with me and each other 'round the clock. I feel stressed.

In other news, Sproing took an all-day driving class two weekends ago, and has the practical driving part of the class this week, this afternoon and tomorrow afternoon. He has already scheduled a time with the DMV to take his driving test for his license. The boy wants to DRIVE! Sounds like more opportunity to get in trouble to me, but whatever. He is a good driver. He's young and stupid, though (age 16) and I fear he will wreck the car. Superman needs to up the insurance coverage before the kid does any driving. I need to ask him about that.

All of the kids (Twitch included) need to find jobs. The kidlets for the summer and Twitch for permanent. Mostly he mopes around the house. He'll go out looking for work a couple of days a week maybe, but he spends a lot of time at home moping. Talk about depressing. He says he wants to get a job so he can move out of this house, away from his siblings. Well, then, Twitch, get off your lazy ass, get out there and WORK, dammit!!

I have no energy to confront any of them about any of this. I hide in my room reading (mostly) gay romances all day. It's light reading, doesn't require much brain work. No, this isn't healthy. Right now I don't much care. In related news, I see my therapist on Thursday. We will discuss my coping strategies and probably come to no conclusion.

Superman got himself a new computer and a new tablet recently. They're cool. I've used the tablet a few times. It's good for cruising the 'net, I suppose, but I much prefer a keyboard to write anything. His computer works so well! Turn it on and -ta da!- it's on. Mine takes about half an hour to boot up completely so I can surf the web without it freezing up on me. Most of the time. My computer is six, maybe seven years old now. Vista was the great new thing when I got it. I upgraded to Windows 7 and got myself a few more Gigs of RAM (or something) when Windows 7 came out. Now that Superman has a new computer, though, mine looks less and less appealing.

That's all I have today. Sorry most of it is so morose. And long-winded.

Yeah, whatever

I'm back. Did you miss me? That was a rhetorical question to which I don't really want an answer.

I haven't turned on my computer in almost two weeks. I've done a little bit of Facebork browsing on my smart (sic) phone. My phone is old and stupid (for a smart phone) and won't give me much. I can "like" a post, comment on posts sometimes, but not much else. Aside from that, I haven't been online.

I have, however, been thinking about lots of my online friends. Hi guys! Not doing much about it, but thinking of you fondly.

Depressed. Oh, and pollen. I didn't even stand near the opened door for five days last week, the pollen was so bad. It's still pretty heavy, but not as bad as it was even earlier this week. I was out yesterday, took Diva to her therapist, and had to shower when I got home to get rid of the pollen. I was out earlier this morning, going to the high school, and haven't even had to washed my face and I'm OK.

I was called to the principal's office. Diva again. Remember the fight she got into a few weeks (months?) ago? She's still fighting with the girl, but not with fists. She posted a vulgar tirade online attacking the other girl, and I was called in today to a conference with the school resource officer and the principal and Diva about it. Posting vulgar tirades against someone is technically illegal. Not sure I knew that, but whatever. The other girl's mother doesn't want to press charges now as long as this shit ends. Diva sat through the meeting with a scowl on her face. If Diva does this shit again the charge will be harsher, something about a pattern of behavior and harassment. I wish the other mother would press charges. Maybe I can talk to the resource officer (he's a sergeant with the Sheriff's dept.) to encourage the other mom to press charges. But if she is charged, the offense will be added to her list of charges and we'll wait for-fucking-ever to go to court and my life with suck until then. And probably after, because shit.

I'm so fucking depressed. I hate my home life. I hate my house. I resent our pets. I am pissed as hell that I feel like I have to hide in my room to avoid the hellishness of my children.

Nothing works. No amount of talking to the kids, punishing them, encouraging them, doing things for them, ignoring them,  not anything works. She has charges pending against her and jack shit is happening about that. Oh, we do have an "intake interview" for her in two weeks at Department of Juvenile Justice (DJJ). We've done this before. It's filling out forms, answering the same questions over and over because these forms don't coordinate with each other to share information. Name, age, birth date, address, social security number, etc. over and over again. Probably some other questions, too, but I can't now remember. Maybe I'll post about it after the meeting, but probably not. Back to the point: DJJ will gather all this redundant information and sit on it for months. In the meantime, she'll be a pain in my ass. My therapist says this is "learned helplessness," this sense that there's no point in doing anything because nothing will change.

She ran away last month, for a weekend. She says it wasn't running away, she just left without telling us she was leaving or where she was going. Et cetera. The point: the police officer told us that when she's 17 they can't make her come home. She'll be 17 on the 4th of December. It can't come soon enough for any of us, parents and child(ren) included.

Chocolate and sex are the only things that give me pleasure these days.

Did I tell you the doctor has increased my antidepressant meds? I may have said that already in a previous post. Don't know if it helps. What will really help is changing things in my life that depress and stress me. Nothing we've done has helped. I feel like my life is in a sick holding pattern for now until the children move out. Or at least that particular girl child. The old boy needs to go, too. He's home, pretending to look for a job but mostly sitting on his lazy ass. I nag, but nagging makes me sick. I'm too depressed to fight.

And I feel like this is the only thing I ever write about here on this blog anymore. I'm bored of it all.

"All the pretty girls get cut in half while the sad clowns make us laugh."


OK, a couple of positives: I have been cleaning and decluttering a little bit. Not a bunch, but a little bit. And that's good. I got myself a new CD of The Plain White T's, the above song is on the album. The whole album has catchy songs on it. Do I like it? Dunno, but they're catchy tunes.

And baseball season started! Go Braves! It's not much, but it helps.

And I got my hair cut. Really short. Half inch all over. It looks ridiculous. Kinda reminds me of the crew cuts my Daddy used to give my brothers when they were 2-6 years old. And I don't give a flying fuck, except when I do.

Random shit

I've decided to be Pete. I decided that on the way to the jailhouse to see Sproing this morning. I thought about lots of things on the drive (1.5 hours) to see Sproing. It was a lovely morning. So, this Pete thing: Pete, but not instead of Java. Still Java, but Pete if/when I'm a guy. My parents were going to name me Robert because Robert Burns' birthday was my due date. (Different year) I was born a couple of days earlier, and son of a gun, I was a daughter. That saved me from the fate of Robert. Not that there's anything wrong with Robert. I've known some very nice Roberts. I don't like the name for me, though.

Signs of aging:

• I mostly drink decaf coffee because too much caffeine does odd things to my nerves and my heart.
• My nose hairs are turning gray. 
• I can make dot-to-dot pictures with the age spots on my arms and back of my hands. 

I practiced my southern accent in the truck on the way to the jailhouse. It's a random sort of accent, not associated with any one particular location. I think. I learned a few East Tennessee-isms from my father-in-law. "Lord, help!" for example. I don't know how to spell it so reads like it sounds, but the whole thing is said with exasperation. The kiddie jail is in Union, SC. That'd be "yooon-yun" with an extra long yoooo and a flat u in -yun. 

Superman is away for the weekend. I was away for a week,and I'm back now. Hi, y'all! Had a great time at the Bloggerpalooza. Superman went to his folks' place to celebrate his aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary. That'll happen Sunday afternoon, as those things do in The South(TM). He'll come home Monday. Then Sproing comes home from jail on Tuesday. Yeah, we thought he'd be in custody for 60 days, but the DJJ office in our county messed up his paperwork. I'm mostly glad he gets to come home. He probably doesn't need to be there. Diva, on the other hand, should be in DJJ custody. Or someone else's custody besides mine. Someone responsible, not her "grown" 18 year old friend. I don't want to talk about it. 

When I don't post for a while, that probably means I'm depressed. That's why I didn't post earlier in the week. I had a great trip, lots of fun driving and seeing people I like. I was happy. Then I had to come home, and damn, y'all, my home life is shit, Superman excepted. Today I took another drive. To the jailhouse, sure, but on the way home I took a detour. I wanted to see where this highway intersects a highway coming back toward Greenwood. I saw some lovely things and some depressing things. There sure are a lot of trailer houses in rural South Carolina. And a lot of them are really ugly. 

I'm coming down with some kind of lung crud. Haven't had bronchitis in a long time, but that's probably what this is. It's in the annoying stage now, when I have a slight cough, my chest feels heavy, and my throat is a bit rough. However, my throat could feel rough because of all the drive-singing I did recently. Including today. I belted out loud songs to which I know not the lyrics. Things can get funny that way. 

Tuesday March 25th is the first anniversary of my Daddy's death. I'm OK, I think. Death happens, he was sick (sicker than we thought he was), he didn't linger and wasn't in too much pain for very long. I miss him. I feel bad for my step-mom who is alone now. We'll see what the 25th brings. That's the day we have to drive back to Union to get Sproing. Yeah, we have to pick him up; no delivery like he had last time. So I'll be busy, which is probably good. Don't know yet if Superman will be available to go with me to get the boy. 

I bemoan my traitorous heart. I have a crush* on another guy. It's not a big or painful crush; easy to ignore. But I dreamed about him last night. And Superman is away, not here to distract me. This guy is totally inappropriate for me. I mean, absolutely. For one thing, he's younger (by a year or two) than Twitch. He is an adult, but not "grown" in the way Diva thinks anyone who turns 18 is automatically mature and responsible. Actually this guy is pretty irresponsible. He shows addictive tendencies. Spent six months in jail last year on drug charges. But oh, my, is he cute!! He's beautiful. Tall, thin but not too thin, brown hair, sweet smile, and friendly to talk to. I really don't know him very well. He might be a total ass. But he's lovely to look at. 

I was going to talk about the weather not doing what "they" predicted, but I see that it is now sunny just like the forecast said. It was overcast at midday. Now at 5-ish the sun is back out. I like the sun, as long as it's effects are mitigated by cooler temperatures. Yeah, I'm picky. 

*"Crush" might be too strong a word, actually. Visual appreciation might serve better. 

Happy things!

Greetings from Delaware! Yes, I am at the Bloggerpalooza II, 2014, and having a mostly marvelous time. It would be most marvelous if Superman could be here with me. Alas, we have these parental responsibilities that must be met, so Superman is at home with the naughty girl. I'm going to concentrate on the positives here, though.

It's great to see my blogger friends again. There are a few missing, and sorely missed. But there are also a few new folks here this year. I got to meet Sluggy, a.k.a. slugmama. She's a delight. I also met Pat, a friend of Ron's, and the Travel Penguin whom I'd never even heard of. Travel Penguin and his husband Jay came for tonight's (Saturday) banquet. A good time was had by all.

Alas, it is late. I am tired. There is much to do tomorrow, so I'll post a few pictures of tonight's festivities before I go to bed.

The cocktail bar area, pre-banquet

 The distribution of prizes

 Everyone besides those taking pictures are paying rapt attention.

Stuff, some of it disturbing

I am with Light now in Pennsylvania. It's good to be here, good to see her. We'll go see her art exhibit tomorrow evening... in the snow, evidently. Right now it's sunny and pretty here, but it's supposed to get very cold and wet, beginning with rain in the early hours tomorrow, but staying above freezing  most of the day. By night, though, it's supposed to change to snow. Then I leave the day after, in ice and snow it looks like. I'll be driving to the Bloggerpalooza in Lewes, DE on Thursday. Looks like I'll need to add a couple of hours to my drive time for this weather. I think this is the system the Weather Channel is calling Vulcan. OK, just looked at the report and this part of PA will only get light snow. But what about the water that falls before the freeze? East of here, and into DE won't be affected, snow-wise, so maybe it'll be OK.

And I'm super-duper looking forward to the Bloggerpalooza, even though the man who SHOULD be with me is back at home dealing with shit. I'll get to that in a minute. He and I are both really pissed that he could not come this time.

So, the shit at home concerns Sproing this time. He had his follow-up court appearance today, his chance before the judge after spending a few weeks (5, I think it was) in the evaluation center, what I like to call "jail lite." The DJJ office and the attorney recommended that he be put on probation, with the understanding that if he violated probation at all he'd be put back into DJJ custody for the remainder of his term. But no, not this judge. As Superman said, he got the hangin' judge today. She sent his ass to jail for 9 months. I am upset. Superman is upset. Sproing is beside himself. Superman said he was crying when they took him away. He'll be back at the eval center for a few weeks (60 days, but probably less) then be put into "placement." Don't know what placement means. The nice lady from DJJ said that could mean anything from foster care to group home to "I'd like to vacation here." So we'll see. He'll be subject to random drug tests, be enrolled in whatever school is available where he's placed, and maybe some other stuff but I can't remember what else Superman read to me.

Sproing has been doing so much better recently. He definitely learned that he doesn't want to go back to jail after his first stint in the jail lite. I really hope he doesn't become bitter and harder from this. It might work to his advantage, you know. He might learn a very valuable lesson and become a better person, etc. I can hope.

Why don't they do this with Diva?? She's the one who really needs to get the hell out of the home. She has some charges pending, but no news yet on when she'll go to court. I hope she gets this same judge, though. I'd love for her to be sent away. Maybe something like this would improve her attitude, too.

Anyway, I'm pretty upset about Sproing being sent away. And I'm upset about Diva still being at home. Actually, right  now I'm just kinda upset. Think I'll go sew for a while, listen to some happy music, and try to chill.

P.S. I had a fantastic road trip yesterday. Left home at 4 a.m. and drove for about 13 hours to get to Light's place. Had a really good trip, listened to some awesome music, didn't use a map or directions or anything and got here MAKING NO WRONG TURNS AT ALL!!!! I'm particularly proud of that. I will need directions to Lewes, though, because I don't know how to get there from here. The directions are printed out and attached to an official looking clipboard in my truck. I'll let you know how it goes.

One of these days I'll write something happy

Next weekend is the second annual Bloggerpalooza. I'll be there. We had a grand time last year, and I am looking forward to meeting old friends and new. Unfortunately Superman will not be with me. Remember all the crap that Diva has done recently? We can't leave her with Twitch. He's not able to deal with her, and she would take advantage of him so fast. Both Superman and I are super pissed off about this.

We had such a good time last year getting away together. It's the first time in ... no, it was the second time in a very very long time that Superman and I were able to get away together, just the two of us. The first time was the summer before, 2012, when I wrecked the little Aveo in West Virginia. He drove up to bring me home and we spent one night there in Lewisburg, WV together. We had a wonderful time, even though I'd wrecked the car. I think we hadn't been away together just the two of us since before we adopted Sproing back in 1998. How fucked up is that? Then last March we spent a fantastic four days together, then my Daddy died (the Monday after the Bloggerpalooza weekend) and we went together to Gainesville, FL to be with the family and deal with that shit. Technically that was time away together, but because it piggy-backed the Bloggerpalooza and was because of my Daddy's death, it doesn't count. I mean, really. This past year has been hell thanks primarily to Sproing and Diva, and we could use some time together.

On the positive side, I'll be able to see Light. I'm leaving early Monday to go to Pennsylvania to spend a couple of days with Light and see her art show. I'll drive to Delaware on Thursday for the festivities there.

Let's talk about music. I'm not a huge music fan like lots of people I know. I like a variety of genres. I'm particularly fond of classical music, most kinds. Some of the avant garde dissonant stuff doesn't do it for me, but otherwise I like classical music. There are some country songs/artists I like (Kenny Chesney comes immediately to mind). I like soft jazz, piano jazz, but in general jazz isn't one of my favorite genres. It's hit or miss with contemporary pop songs. I like a lot of pop and rock from the 60s and 70s when I was growing up. There are very few hip-hop or rap songs I like, but there are some. My CD collection includes a random handful of classical stuff, my most recent favorite being the complete collection of Beethoven symphonies. When I was in my country music phase I collected a bunch of CDs. Some of them I still like, some I don't. I should get rid of some of that stuff I don't really like.

The majority of my CD collection, however, is oldies. Stuff I grew up loving. The CDs of vinyl albums we had when I was a kid. When they package those CDs they include my baggage. If I hear the song on the radio, I think "I remember that song! I loved that song." In a fit of reminiscence I buy the CD. Then I play it and all the baggage comes falling out and I can't listen to the songs without wallowing. I should get rid of those, too, I suppose. I've decided that I need to get some new stuff that I like. One recent acquisition is Jason Mraz. I really like most of his stuff. He's got a positive energy I find helpful. I've also recently become enamored of Peter Bradley Adams. This is the song that caught my attention. Think I'll get one of his CDs.

He's lyrical and melodic, has good harmonies and simple instrumentals. I hear some James Taylor influences. James Taylor is one of my old time favorites that I can listen to without pain. Oh, I also recently got a Jackson Browne CD (Late for the Sky) that I'm getting to know. Most of the songs on that album are new or not very familiar to me.

Enough of that. Now I'm figuring out my route from here to PA, then to Lewes, DE, and back home. I need to break up the trip home and I'll stay with one of my cousins in Virginia, either the one in Virginia Beach or her sister in Richmond. I've stayed in Richmond the past few times I've needed a layover. I'd like to see the VA Beach cousin, but she is a teacher and has work on Monday, so Sunday night is a school night (the night I'll be staying over) and that might mess up her schedule. I dunno. I need to decide, I need to make plans.

OK, I've been working on this post since late morning. It's nearing 9:00 now, so I'm gonna post this sucker. And speaking of 9:00, change your clocks. Daylight Saving Time returns overnight.

I do NOT like this much drama in my life! Now with update!

If you've read this blog for any length of time, you know that my youngest daughter Diva and I do not get along. And I think I've said here that she doesn't want to be with us. Well, right now she's not. She ran away from home yesterday. We think she's with a friend of hers, and the friend's older sister came by this morning to discuss things with us. The older sister is a great little lady. Diva's friend seems to be about as fucked up as Diva is. The friend turned 18 years old last week so she thinks there are no rules. Diva has always worked on the belief that rules don't apply to her.

I am not at all surprised that she ran away. In a yelling match last week she told me she had all her stuff packed and ready to go. I didn't take her too seriously at the time, and really don't know what I could have done about it anyway. She has rejected our authority and I don't know how to change that. Her friend's big sister (let's call her Big Sis) recommended that we beat Diva. I don't feel right about doing that, though it might be what's necessary. I won't do it. She's stronger than me and will beat me if I try. I know. We've had a couple of physical altercations already and I don't want to do that again. Am I afraid of her? Physically, yes.

I didn't sleep well last night. I'm worried about the child. I love her and care what happens to her. I don't particularly like her right now, though there are times when she's quite pleasant to be with. I don't think she ought to live with us, but we haven't found any safe place to house her. I contacted a local children's home last week about taking her, but especially now that she's run away I think she's too big a risk for them to take. I have a couple of other leads, one of which I just emailed. The other is a military school I just found out about. Their homepage is opened in another tab right now.

And right now my chest kind of hurts. It's a dull ambiguous ache high in the middle of my chest. Also, there is not enough chocolate in this house.

Diva

This picture was taken two years ago, but she still looks about the same. Her hair is different now. She's wearing a wig, long straight black hair with bangs. Her own hair is "natural" (not straightened or permed) and fairly short.

That's about all I have now. I'll update if there is anything new to add.

UPDATE:
She came home on her own tonight (Sunday night) around 11:30. She's here, but very unhappy about it. We aren't sure what we're going to do next.