Good stuff from Mama

She's finally sent me another gem.  I've discarded a lot of smarmy stuff since the last good one.  Hope you enjoy it also.

As I Mature-

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to distroy it.

I've learned you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.  After that you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned you shouldn't compare yourself to others.  They are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you are finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. 

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Things are looking up

I've had a good week since Monday.  Still feeling a bit ADD, but as Ur-Spo said, most people have a touch of it.  

S had a great day today.  He checked out a local social service source (not the one I recommended) that helps with GED preparation, offers the test for no charge, and helps with job placement.  As he was telling me all about it, I saw a twinkle in his eye that I haven't seen in a long time.  I showed him a new job posting from today's newspaper.  It was something I though he would enjoy: a greenhouse technician at a local nursery.  "What's that?" he asked.  You get to play with the plants.  "Oh!"  He went right over there and applied!!  He says he enjoyed the experience and feels pretty excited about the job, and hopes he gets it.  Me too, honey!!

I got my living room, kitchen, and Light's room all arranged last night, after Twitch and Diva and Sproing mopped the floor!  Yes, they did it, not me.  I like that part.  Sproing swept up the loose dirt and the three of them got in there with a mop and some rags and a bucket of soapy water.  It looked like they had fun.  I got a clean floor out of the deal, so I had fun, too.  

The things I wanted in each room are now in the desired room.  The particular arranging of things, however, is not to my liking yet.  But I can do the rest myself.  Twitch, bless his heart, helped me move the big things I really needed help with.

S hates the way I have things arranged now.  Oh, well.  

OH!  And get this!  S and C have decided to stop smoking!  Yesterday S came in and said "I've just had my last cigarette."  I saw C smoking this morning and asked about it.  He said "This is the last pack."  I hope they stick to this.  I told S about Quitnet, thank you Torn and Greg for informing me of this handy resource.  S was spouting all sorts of things about how much money they will save over a year, how much time will be added to their lives per year if they stop smoking now.  You know, the stuff Tornwordo has been telling us since July.  (Love you, Torn!)

This just in:  I saw S smoking in the back yard this evening.  He says they are tapering off gradually.  At 7 p.m. he was smoking his third cig of the day.  Interesting.

Sproing had an appointment with his therapist this afternoon.   He has been doing fairly well, pretty typical by 10.5 year old hyperactive boy standards.  She spoke with him for a little while, then let him play in another meeting room while she and I talked.  We discussed typical behavior for hyperactive 10-11 year olds with oppositional defiant disorder, things are as normal as they can be, I suppose, keep up the good work, yes it's difficult, etc.  Then she said "[Sproing] is lucky to be in your family."  Hmmm.  

I get that a lot.  You know I feel as though we are barely hanging on most of the time.  I know how many times I loose my cool, or hide in my room behind the computer screen, or when asked if they can [insert current desire here] say "I don't know.  Go ask your father."  I am all too aware of the many times I have no clue if what I'm doing is making any difference.  I know how often they ignore everything I say.  I know how often I say "How many times have I told you ..."  This woman is a professional counselor.  I'm supposed to trust her opinions, more or less.  But like I always do when people say "They are so lucky to have you as their mom," I figure she is mainly being friendly and polite.   It is nice to hear, yes, much better than something negative!  But even from the professional counselor, I don't fully believe it.  We may be a better family than the one he (or she) was born into, I suppose.  But I don't think we are any better than most families in our financial/educational demographic.  I am thankful for the encouragement, though.

After we left the shrink-wrap center (my name for the psychiatric office) I took Sproing over to Sonic, the drive-in "restaurant," for a cold drink.  As we sat in the truck sipping our slushes a red PT Cruiser pulled into the space to our right.  A young man, perhaps in his mid 20s, but maybe younger, was the sole occupant.  The only thing I specifically noticed about him was that he needed a haircut.  Sproing and I discussed the relative merits of PT Cruisers (pretty nice, I think) and red cars (about my least favorite color for an automobile).  I heard the young man place his order through the annoying speaker thing, and was surprised at his high, feminine voice.  I thought to myself "hmm, could be gay" and continued my discussion with Sproing.  A few minutes later, when the car hop brought the guy his order, Sproing was watching and listening.   He turned to me and said in an almost hushed tone "Mom, I think he's gay."  I said something like "could be," and that was that.  I was amused, and wonder what triggered Sproing's gaydar.  But I didn't ask.  

If there was more I wanted to say I have forgotten what it was.  Superman has had some late nights and early mornings the last few days, and so have I.  I'm going to pretend to get ready for bed now, as I am tired.  If I can just disconnect from this addictive box with its mesmerizing bright screen...

Quote for today

You can't be suspicious of a tree, or accuse a bird or a squirrel of subversion or challenge the ideology of a violet. -Hal Borland, journalist (1900-1978) 

All over the place

My brain is doing the ADD thing tonight.  Did I tell you my psychiatrist tested me for ADD?  I might have.  The test results indicate that I don't have ADD.  Could it be a false negative?  I'm not sure how it is with the mental tests.  I feel a deficit in my attention.  I'm in debt to attention, not able to pay.

I am so grateful for my online friends.  Yes, I'm talking to you.  This whole mess with S has been so much easier to bear with the advice and encouragement I've received here.  I am feeling rather good about things so far.  It's early yet.

And I'm emotional anyhow.  I read your blogs and your comments and your emails and I get all misty.  What a great group of bloggers you are!  Thank you all for sharing, for caring, for living the exemplary lives you do.  I swell with pride at your accomplishments and acheivements.  I mourn with you over the difficulties and losses in your lives.  I thrill to your enticing, exciting discoveries.  

Oh, and I'm also getting out more.  I have spent somewhat less time online (I may be a bit slower getting around to your blog) and more time in this thing called real life.  It's interesting, but not so easy.   The interruptions are particularly annoying.  ADD redux.  

About interruptions.  I get so easily distracted.  I distract myself a lot of the time.  And around here I have lots of help with the distracting, as you might well imagine.   I stop in mid sentence and can't remember what I was saying.  Drives Superman and Light crazy.  

I went into Light's room this evening.  Superman had taken the other kids to their soccer game.  Twitch went along, I dunno, to oogle the girls or something.  Or maybe to see if there was a concession stand at the park.  Anyway, I was more or less alone.  C and S were outside doing other stuff.  Light has been at college for a couple of weeks now.  And over the weekend Superman ripped out the carpet in our living room.  Hallelujah!  That stuff was some wicked kind of nasty.  It's mainly the dog's doing.  She's no longer with us, may she rest in peace, and we've taken the stinky carpet out!!  That entailed a lot of shifting of furniture.  Since Light isn't using her room here, we put some of the stuff in there to get it out of the way.  Well, I need to shift stuff around some more.  And I want to use Light's room as a second get-away spot (besides my bed, which is the only place I have that is MINE, GO AWAY!!)  I want to store my sewing and craft supplies in her room.  A lot of it is in the midst of the living room now, as she evicted it from her room for the summer.  

Anyway, trying to keep the point here, I went to Light's room to make a place for some things.  But I couldn't.  I can't move this without help.  And this has to move before I can shift the other.  I can't get to that because do-hicky will fall apart if I try.  And that's just in her room.  There are two other rooms I'm working with, each with its own piles of crap to maneuver.  If I had a firm grasp of what I'm trying to accomplish with all this, I suspect it might go easier.  

So I walked into Light's bedroom, shifted a couple of boxes around, turned around a few times.  I touched this, that, the other, trying to figure out the how of it all.  And turned around some more.  Then I went to the kitchen and stared at the table.  Hmm.  And I turned around a couple of times there.  Afterwards I went to the living room, now with an interesting array of miscellany piled in random drifts throughout the room.  You guessed it, more spinning aimlessly.  At which point I sighed a deep sigh and came back to the blogs.  There's nothing I can do now.  Maybe tomorrow.  I have high hopes for tomorrow.

The kitchen floor needs to be mopped.  I'm not good at mopping.  Moping I do fairly well.  Mopping, I usually just make a big mess.  Last time I attempted to mop up a sticky spill in the kitchen I ended up making a much larger area of the floor all sticky and nasty, and broke the mop for added interest.  Why?  I have no idea.  Some say it's psychosomatic.  I think messy, therefore I am messy.  Perhaps.  But I try to be neat and clean, and chaos ensues.  There are times this bothers me greatly.  Other times I am amused.  

So, on the off chance I can get the kitchen floor cleared and swept, I'll attempt to mop it tomorrow.  Then I'll do other strange things to it.  Maybe I'll take pictures.  We haven't had a post with pictures in a while.  

I'm fighting with the temptation to criticise myself.  Maybe I'm just tired.  It is late.  OK, not going into how I've failed to accomplish the simple tasks most women find so enriching.  Nope.  Not going to compare myself to others who can keep their homes neat and clean.  Instead I'll post this, log off the computer, and go to bed.  Time has come for that now.  The mess will still be here tomorrow.  Woe is me.  I'll look at it again then.  

The plan of attack ::UPDATED::

We are just about to go out and have a talk with S and C.  This is the outline Superman and I have written.  We've printed two copies.  I'll be back with updates when the dust settles.  Wish us luck!!

I can’t believe you had the gall to say what you said to me last night.

I owe you no explanations.  No justifications.  At all.

Let’s get this boundary thing worked out. You live in my house. You live in this house by our good graces. You live in this house contingent upon our willingness to allow you to stay. 

As you mentioned, I am not your mother. 

I am under no obligation whatsoever to care for or support you. You, however, have an obligation to treat me with the respect due someone who is supporting your lifestyle in nearly every way.

You are an adult and should be treated as one.

We have done you a grave disservice by allowing you this much leeway in this living arrangement. Effective immediately you will adhere to these requirements.

You will be awake during the day and sleep at night.   (Awake by 7:00 a.m.)

You are now in charge of lawn care to our standards.  We will establish these standards and put them in writing. 

You will clean the kitchen completely before 10:00 every night, and no cooking will take place after 9:00.  (“Completely” will be further defined in another document.)

You will enroll in some program to further your education by September 10, 2008.  I strongly recommend Genesis Academy.*

You will submit a minimum of 5(five) job applications every week until employment is secured.

If you do not abide by these rules, there will be a series of fines imposed upon you.

First offense - $10

Second offense - $25

Third offense - $50

If non-compliance continues to be a problem, you will need to make other living arrangements.  If it comes to that, you will be given 30 days notice to vacate.

It's my house, so I get to do what I want. It's not your house, so you don't. It’s as simple as that.  Don't like the rules, go get your own house. **

* The location of the adult ed program run by the public school district

**This is what Tornwordo said in his comments on the previous post.

================UPDATE=================

I'm having a bit of formatting trouble with this post.  That's what happens when I copy/paste from a word document.

Well, we just had our little discussion.  We sat at the picnic table in the backyard so the boys could smoke.  I'm not going to drop this bomb on them without allowing them that stress relief.

I think the whole thing went quite well.  The two of them sat on one side of the table, Superman and I on the other.  I handed S a copy of the above decree, and Superman and I had one in front of us.  I pretty much read it off the paper.  As I was expressing the sentiments in the first two sections he was reading ahead.  I stopped and asked if he had a firm grasp of what I meant. Did he understand where I am and who I am, and what his position is in this arrangement?  He was looking at the paper.  I said "S!"  huh? I was reading.  

asshole

So I took the paper away from him and repeated myself from the beginning.  Did he understand?  Yes, he said with a sarcastic smile.  I gave him back only the first page, folded so he could only read the next little section.  We went over that.  He made a face, and I said "Don't try to make excuses."  He admitted there were none.  I continued.  That was about the last thing he said.  Which is good!  It shows me that he is taking me seriously.  He's not trying to play those games he was attempting last night.

We went on almost to the end, and showed him the lawn mowing rules.  (they simply state he will mow the lawn, front, sides, and back, once every week, and trim around the various installations throughout the yard when he's finished mowing.)  

I did not read the penalties to him.  He was reading those himself.  That last one was a shocker, it seems.  He didn't say anything, just turned the page so C could see it and pointed to it.  There were some moments of uncomfortable silence.  [I wasn't a bit uncomfortable, frankly :)  ]  I then suggested to Superman that we leave them to mull this over.  So we did.  The whole thing took probably less than five minutes.  

So there's more to come.  I'll listen when they are ready to discuss it.  I have no idea what their response will be.  But rest assured, I will report it all here.  Stay tuned.

Please Advise

I'm flummoxed.  And appalled.  It's S.

I'm concerned about his lack of motivation and initiative.  I feel some of that has been influenced by me coddling him, not being as demanding as I should be.  He is responsible for his actions entirely, of course, but I'm afraid I make life too easy for him.  

He is 18 years old, will be 19 in November.  He dropped out of high school about a year ago.  He has been employed twice in the past 18 months (more or less), both times for a fairly short period.  After he got himself fired from the last job he has not earnestly looked for work.  He will deny that.  Yes, he's looked for work, but not earnestly.  He doesn't want to work.  

He also hasn't done anything significant about getting his GED.  He talks a big talk, but there's nothing to show for it.  There are a few different places in town he can go to get ready for the GED.  At least one of them is free.  There is a cost for the test, and his current excuse is that he doesn't have the money to register for it.  It all boils down to the fact that he just hasn't made much effort.

So what does he do if he's not working or going to school?  Mostly, he stays up all night playing video games or the card game Magic.  Then he sleeps most of the day.  Occasionally he'll do a bit of his and C's laundry, and he likes to cook.  He baked a few pies last night, and left some of his dirty dishes in the sink.  Recently he hasn't been leaving as many dirty dishes in the kitchen.  But he doesn't thoroughly clean when he's finished, either.   

S is cute and charming, but that doesn't go far enough in real life.   His greatest talent is making excuses.  He's very good at it.  And I get so frustrated with him that I often don't know how to respond.

We have a counter in our laundry room for the purpose of folding clothes.  Mostly what happens, though, is that stuff gets pulled out of the dryer and piled on the counter to wrinkle and get dusty.  It had gotten pretty bad again, so I had Diva and Sproing clean off the kitchen table, then Superman told S and the young'uns to get everything off the counter and take it to the table, where they were then to fold it all.  All of them.  S dug through the pile and got his things, then tried to escape to his room.  I told him he needed to help fold all of it.  He argued and made excuses, saying that over half of the stuff in the pile had been theirs, so most of it he was going to fold in his room.  

That wasn't my point.  I want for him to take a more active role in household maintenance.   He needs to make a larger contribution.  Not just to take care of "his" stuff, but to help out throughout the place.  He needs to earn his keep, basically.

Remember the thing about them paying rent?  Guess what.  They didn't pay the $50 they owed on the 21st of last month.  S mowed the yard, and we took that in exchange for $15 of it.  Superman said that on the remaining $35 there will be interest, compounded daily.  (I don't remember how much)  What they plan to do right now is pay for last month, this month ($75) and next month ($100) all at once when C gets his college loan check.  That is supposed to arrive on the 15th, a week from Monday.  That's NOT the way it's supposed to work out.  The plan was for them to get serious about looking for gainful employment, not to pay us with borrowed money.  And really, only C got real worried when we started charging rent.  S didn't seem to care much.  I don't know his true feelings, but I saw no change in his actions, so what does that mean?

But I digress.  Here's where I need some specific advice.  Tonight when I was arguing with S about folding the clothes, he got all sassy with me.  He said I am not his mother.  I said no, but you are living in my house.  He said "don't patronize me," and the next words he spoke to me were patronizing.  I pointed out that he is neither working nor continuing his education, therefore he needs to be more involved working around here.  And then he had the gall to accuse me of sitting around doing nothing!  I said to my husband, who was in the room also, I said "Honey?  Did you hear that!?"  He turned and laughed at S, and said "No, no, you do not understand."  I don't remember exactly what he said after that, but the upshot is that S went in to help the other kids fold clothes.  I'm steamed.  

And shocked beyond words.  How do I respond to that?  OMG.  I don't think it necessary to defend myself.  It is true, for the last few months I haven't been very active around the house.  I've been on the computer, blogging mostly, since I quit driving the bus last spring.  I've also had a mild nervous breakdown or two.  I'm looking for myself.  I've spent the last 25 years working to raise these kids and care for this family.  Who the hell is he to question my activities when he is living in my home under my good graces??  

Superman has been chewing on this as well.  He just informed me that he's decided S will mow the lawn, front and back, every week.  And he will clean up the kitchen every day.   

Honestly, I don't think I should defend myself against S's accusation that I am not doing anything.  It is totally beside the point.  A diversionary tactic of his.  What do you think?  Besides which, just this week I have begun to be more active around here.   He isn't aware that I applied to Lander.  And I'm not going to parade that information out just to show I've not been idle.  OMG.  The gall.  And I'm rambling again.

In summary:

• How should I respond to his accusations and excuses?
  
• Should I defend my recent level of activity?
  
• What next?

Morning conversation with a teenager

It's almost time to leave for school. I look at Twitch and say
"Do you have a comb or a brush?"
"No. Do I need to brush my teeth?"
"Have you brushed your teeth?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a hair brush?"
"NO!"
"Well, go into my bathroom and use my brush."
"Why?"
"You need to brush your hair."
"Why?"
"Because it looks disheveled."
"I like it this way."
"Just go brush your hair."
"Who's going to care what my hair looks like?"
"I do."
"So?"
"So, I'm the one who's taking you to school."
[Look of dismay and a gutteral "humph"]
[Goes down the hall]
[I eat my toast and sip my coffee]
[Returning, says with a sarcastic flair]
"Is this better?"
"Yes. Thank you."
"I look like a damn dingleberry."

I DID IT!

[Java],
Congratulations! Your application has been received and processed. We're excited about your interest in earning a second degree at Lander University. You are welcome to log back in and keep tabs on the status of your application anytime.

Please have your college transcripts from any and all previous colleges sent to Lander.

Looking for myself

I have a love/hate relationship with the excuse "I'm trying to find myself." On one hand, it has been used as a sorry excuse for shirking responsibilities. On the other hand, there is some truth in the need to learn to listen for the whispers from one's soul (or from the Deity) in order to fulfill one's purpose in life.

And a life's purpose changes over time. Of the things I have given great attention to in the past 10-20 years, some of those responsibilities are no longer relevant in my life. There is more out there I need to do, and can do. And should do.

I feel I haven't been fulfilling my potential as a strong, intelligent woman. I drove a school bus for 3.5 years. But I graduated magna cum laude with a degree in Sociology a few years back. (OK, 22, but who's counting?) I'm intuitive, sympathetic, creative, don't run with scissors and play well with others. I should be using my talents better than I have been. With my oldest children out (or almost out) of the public schools, and my youngest now old enough to be more responsible (if only they will), the time seems right to move onward and upward.

It's a bit frightening.

Part of the needed change is to see myself as more than "just" a wife, mother, homemaker.* I need to envision myself as more mature, perhaps professional, as one who can carry her own in the company of strong, intelligent, influential people. I need to get out more!

And I'm trying. I told you about volunteering with the community theatre. The lovely woman who told me about that opportunity invited me to a lunch meeting of the Greenwood Women's Forum. Yep, a women's club/group. Ugh!! However, this is a fairly small group (20 maybe?) of local professional women who gather once a month for lunch and an informational talk about something happening in the community. I think. Last month they heard a presentation from the art director of the community theatre. Today the executive director of the Art's Council gave a talk about what's going on in the arts in Greenwood. Yes, I went. It was lovely! I enjoyed myself! I'm as shocked as anyone!

As an interesting juxtaposition, the Greenwood Woman's Club (note name difference) also met today. I read about it in today's paper. This is what the Greenwood Index-Journal had to say about it. From the "Community Calendar" column:

11:30 a.m. - Greenwood Woman's Club, luncheon catered by Aramark Food Services (Lander University). Lillian Holschen, of Doncaster Apparel of Newberry, presents "Don Yourself in Fall Classics."

I did not go to that meeting. Those are the kinds of women's clubs I avoid. It just isn't my kind of group.

*Not that there's anything wrong with that. Or that those roles aren't incredibly important.

addendum

I took a nap. Woke up feeling more rested. Went to the kitchen to "do" supper. There was a variety of food, from onion soup to chocolate chip cookies. Twitch had made the cookies, S had made the soup. Everyone in the house was in the kitchen once I arrived. It was a happy chaos, but chaos nonetheless.

We began the clean up. S and Superman and I did most of it. I was trying to prepare for some baking tomorrow, and I had trouble finding things I need. Superman was putting away the food, and had trouble finding things he needed. Stuff wasn't put in the right place, things had been left out, dirty. Consumable products had been consumed without our knowledge. Empty boxes were left in the cabinets, giving a false sense of existence.

There is a box of zip-closure bags in the cabinet. But wait, it's just the box! No bags inside. Where did all our bags go? Superman just got a big box of bags very recently. There were a lot in here. Where did they all go? How is he going to put away the (whatever it was he wanted to put away)?

Dammit, why can't I just go into the kitchen and do what I need to do? I can't even walk into the laundry room right now because there are plastic hampers full of clothes all in the way. I'm too old for this sh!t. I try to get out there and participate in the opperation of this household, but everything I try to do ends up costing so much extra effort to do. I get very frustrated. And flustered. And stressed. And I lose focus. And I come back in my room and hide while the chaos out there increases.

And then I blame myself for not keeping a closer handle on things, not effectively managing the household. That is my job, right? To keep order and take care of home and family? I don't do that well. Frankly, I suck at it. Then the voice in my head (not literal. Don't call the straight jacket forces on me) begins to tell me that I'm a failure, which means I'm worthless. I can now recognize the voice, and know he has a distorted concept of truth. This is huge progress, really. I should be very glad of that.

Anyway, I'm very, very tired again. I'm going to get ready for bed now. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Everyone goes back to school tomorrow, including C, so that increases my chances of having a peaceful morning.

Goodnight