addendum

I took a nap. Woke up feeling more rested. Went to the kitchen to "do" supper. There was a variety of food, from onion soup to chocolate chip cookies. Twitch had made the cookies, S had made the soup. Everyone in the house was in the kitchen once I arrived. It was a happy chaos, but chaos nonetheless.

We began the clean up. S and Superman and I did most of it. I was trying to prepare for some baking tomorrow, and I had trouble finding things I need. Superman was putting away the food, and had trouble finding things he needed. Stuff wasn't put in the right place, things had been left out, dirty. Consumable products had been consumed without our knowledge. Empty boxes were left in the cabinets, giving a false sense of existence.

There is a box of zip-closure bags in the cabinet. But wait, it's just the box! No bags inside. Where did all our bags go? Superman just got a big box of bags very recently. There were a lot in here. Where did they all go? How is he going to put away the (whatever it was he wanted to put away)?

Dammit, why can't I just go into the kitchen and do what I need to do? I can't even walk into the laundry room right now because there are plastic hampers full of clothes all in the way. I'm too old for this sh!t. I try to get out there and participate in the opperation of this household, but everything I try to do ends up costing so much extra effort to do. I get very frustrated. And flustered. And stressed. And I lose focus. And I come back in my room and hide while the chaos out there increases.

And then I blame myself for not keeping a closer handle on things, not effectively managing the household. That is my job, right? To keep order and take care of home and family? I don't do that well. Frankly, I suck at it. Then the voice in my head (not literal. Don't call the straight jacket forces on me) begins to tell me that I'm a failure, which means I'm worthless. I can now recognize the voice, and know he has a distorted concept of truth. This is huge progress, really. I should be very glad of that.

Anyway, I'm very, very tired again. I'm going to get ready for bed now. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Everyone goes back to school tomorrow, including C, so that increases my chances of having a peaceful morning.

Goodnight