This of course is one of the issues. Did I show you this before? That's all their crap, and this isn't all of it. This is the front patio, right there in the front of the house. This isn't all of the mess, either. I told S a month ago to clean up the trash they'd left around the front stoop. Lots of fast food containers and stuff. He did. He put it in a plastic grocery bag and left the bag there on the grass beside the steps. AARRRRRRGGHHHHHH!
So we discussed the messiness and general lack of respect for persons and property. Superman told them it's going to stop. Now.
We also set up a payment schedule. That's where they pay us, not the other way around. We've put out a lot of time, effort, and cash on these guys over the past two years. I don't regret it at all. But it's time for some adjustments. Their rent of $50 is due the 21st of August, one month from Monday. On 21 September they will pay us $75, and in October, $100. At the end of October we will reevaluate the situation and see if we need to make changes. Superman and I will at that time decide if the rent keeps going up $25 each month. I didn't want to set things too solid too far ahead.
This is about growing up. This is about shouldering more responsibility and working toward independence. We are making these demands now because we love them. I have known ever since before Light was born that the duty of a parent is to work herself/himself out of a job. It is not healthy for young adults of C (20) and S(18)'s age to be so dependent on their families. C will be a junior when college starts in late August. He has a job now, but only works 2 days a week, and I don't think those are 8 hour shifts. He might have 8 to 12 hours of work each week. He wants more, but right now that's what the manager is giving him.
S dropped out of high school last fall, his senior year. He has had a couple of jobs, but nothing recently. The first job he quit, but I don't feel too bad about that. He was working fast food and his manager was treating him unfairly, not giving him the tools he needed to do his job and blessing him out because he didn't do it right. We aren't sure exactly why she singled him out for mistreatment. We suspect she disliked him because he was gay, white, or male. Any of those qualities, or maybe the combination, was very likely her excuse. Whatever. He quit.
The other job loss I fault him for. He was waiting tables at IHOP and was pushing the envelope of acceptable behavior, primarily in his non-working hours. He and his friends would hang out there when he wasn't on duty. It got ugly, and not only is he no longer working there, but he and C are banned from ever entering that store again. He's an idiot. He's a teenager.
For the past 6 months or more he has not worked or been in school. We've encouraged him to get his GED or go through adult ed and get a diploma. He pretends to work on the GED thing sometimes. He says if he had $50 for the registration, he'd go take the GED test now. But as for now he just lays around all day playing card games, goofing around on the computer, and sleeping. We told him Monday that he needs to work. Now. Quit pussy-footing around. Get out there and work to find a job. Because $50 is due in my hot little hand in 4 weeks!
They are falling behind in their payments to other creditors, too. The cell phone service was cut of Monday, C discovered during our conversation. They have a credit card (the fools) and are behind in that payment. C started to protest the rent idea, saying "Do you know how much we owe other people right now?" It was hard for me to do, but I was psyched for it. I said "It doesn't matter. That's what being a grown up is all about. Yes, it's hard. Make it work." He protested "Yes it does matter!!" No, you are missing my point. Yes, it is important for you to pay your debts. If things aren't working out financially right now then you need to change what you are doing. Get an additional job if you can't get the hours you need at the current job. He likes the job he's got, and doesn't want to leave it. He wants to work it more!! But maybe he'll have to get another. And S certainly needs to get off his ass and help make a living here. I suggested S readjust his standards about what kind of job he is willing to do.
The whole discussion went better than I had feared. I was calm, loving but firm. Superman kept his cool. Neither of the boys freaked out. C is the more responsible of the two, and he takes it more seriously than S does. He didn't get over emotional. S really needs to feel the heat on this one, to get motivated to break out if his sedentary ways. I'm not sure if he felt the fire.
I feel very good about the whole thing. Now we need to maintain our firm stance and follow through, all of us. Your prayers are welcome!
14 comments:
Glad to hear the Talk went pretty well. (I hadn't read your other posts when I first read this one, so I wasn't sure what "Talk" we were talking about...presumably they know about the birds, bees, etc...or at least the birds and the other birds...)
You sound like you are staying cool. You've been sneaking into that kiddy pool, haven't you?
: )
It's hard to understand how the things you do at age 18 will affect you at age 48. Keep up the good work! :)
Wow, I hope the best for the boys....these are the times you wish they could understand what they do now is so important to their future.
We had 'the talk' with our 30-year-old son several times before he got it right! I told him that every parent's goal is to raise our kids to be smart enough to leave the nest at an early age! He did it at 18, had a few 'moments' through the years, but seems to be self-sufficient now. Either that or he's one helluva an actor! Best of luck with the boys!
Good luck. Stay strong. *smooches*
Good job. It's tough. I was lucky, my daughter was very good about working and making her own money. Not so great at keeping jobs, but she was a teenager. She's had her share of rough spots, but at 33 I am very proud of her. She's a good mom and a hard worker and next year will finally start at a junior college to get her social work certification.
When they are young it's hard to impress on some kids how important some decisions are. I wish she had gone to college out of high school, but she had to figure that one out on her own.
I'm glad you and Superman were able to get the ball rolling on this. They might not be too happy right now, but they will be grateful in years to come.
Nicely done! Way to go. Can you convince them to cut up their credit cards? That is the fast way to no way out. Patience, persistence, and prayers. You've got my prayers for all of you.
I'm glad the talk went well. I've been behind in my reading lately but am trying to get caught up and stay caught up.
Perhaps I could get you to talk to my brother...who's 39. He takes constant advantage of my mother. He continuously borrows money and never offers to pay her back. He borrowed her mower and has never returned, which means that she (she's 70) can't have people mow the yard that stop by to do just that. And when he doesn't need anything he's either rude to her, or doesn't call at all. We all had lunch on Sunday and it was the first time she'd heard from him or seen him in over two months. If I had my way, I'd kick him in the nuts and tell him to grow up.
Ah, but it's not problem. But if you want his number...just let me know.
You discussed general respect for people with them? Oh my . That's a very very tall order. And not one I'm even sure any of us totally get. Good luck.
I'm so glad to read of this! It was absolutely SAINTLY of you and Superman to take them in 2 years ago, and they should be showing their appreciation for your generosity and love by responding with respect. It is not too much to ask that they clean up after themselves without being asked. It is not too much to ask that they contribute financially to the home in which they live.
You did the right thing, Java, but I fear it will not be easy for them or you. But teenagers must mature into young adults, and you are now 'helping' them to do this.
Mark :-)
Does anybody really know exactly what they are signing up for when they become parents? I think not. It's the hardest job I'll ever do, and the one with the most potential for angst.
Yeah, at first I thought "The Talk" was referencing sex talk!
Indigo Incarnates
I'm glad you were able to lay down the law. The whole cigarette butt thing is just way over the top. Paying $50-$100/month rent is VERY generous. They have the ability to earn it, and you can put it into the household budget (since they eat your food too).
I started working when my incarnation was about 18 months old (the body was 13, almost 14). The funny thing is that my first job was IHOP too!
You're right that credit cards are a trap. I only have one and its limit is fairly low. Doug has three but I made him tear them up and start paying them down.
A GED or diploma is *crucial* for any job that's ever going to have a future.
You did a good job reading them the riot act. :) You're a good mom!
I remember when I was a kid and I thought the adults were so tense. They were way too tense and also paranoid. Turns out I was an idiot of course, and now I tell all teens that story, and then break it to them that they are idiots too.
But they won't believe it for several more years.
Stay strong Java, when they balk, give them more limits. I'm doing it now with Girl and I hate it, I really do, I'm not a happy to give limits person. But I believe she needs it.
One question: did the AC stay fixed this time? That has been a saga, and of course during the hideous hotness of summer.
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