I'm concerned about his lack of motivation and initiative. I feel some of that has been influenced by me coddling him, not being as demanding as I should be. He is responsible for his actions entirely, of course, but I'm afraid I make life too easy for him.
He is 18 years old, will be 19 in November. He dropped out of high school about a year ago. He has been employed twice in the past 18 months (more or less), both times for a fairly short period. After he got himself fired from the last job he has not earnestly looked for work. He will deny that. Yes, he's looked for work, but not earnestly. He doesn't want to work.
He also hasn't done anything significant about getting his GED. He talks a big talk, but there's nothing to show for it. There are a few different places in town he can go to get ready for the GED. At least one of them is free. There is a cost for the test, and his current excuse is that he doesn't have the money to register for it. It all boils down to the fact that he just hasn't made much effort.
So what does he do if he's not working or going to school? Mostly, he stays up all night playing video games or the card game Magic. Then he sleeps most of the day. Occasionally he'll do a bit of his and C's laundry, and he likes to cook. He baked a few pies last night, and left some of his dirty dishes in the sink. Recently he hasn't been leaving as many dirty dishes in the kitchen. But he doesn't thoroughly clean when he's finished, either.
S is cute and charming, but that doesn't go far enough in real life. His greatest talent is making excuses. He's very good at it. And I get so frustrated with him that I often don't know how to respond.
We have a counter in our laundry room for the purpose of folding clothes. Mostly what happens, though, is that stuff gets pulled out of the dryer and piled on the counter to wrinkle and get dusty. It had gotten pretty bad again, so I had Diva and Sproing clean off the kitchen table, then Superman told S and the young'uns to get everything off the counter and take it to the table, where they were then to fold it all. All of them. S dug through the pile and got his things, then tried to escape to his room. I told him he needed to help fold all of it. He argued and made excuses, saying that over half of the stuff in the pile had been theirs, so most of it he was going to fold in his room.
That wasn't my point. I want for him to take a more active role in household maintenance. He needs to make a larger contribution. Not just to take care of "his" stuff, but to help out throughout the place. He needs to earn his keep, basically.
Remember the thing about them paying rent? Guess what. They didn't pay the $50 they owed on the 21st of last month. S mowed the yard, and we took that in exchange for $15 of it. Superman said that on the remaining $35 there will be interest, compounded daily. (I don't remember how much) What they plan to do right now is pay for last month, this month ($75) and next month ($100) all at once when C gets his college loan check. That is supposed to arrive on the 15th, a week from Monday. That's NOT the way it's supposed to work out. The plan was for them to get serious about looking for gainful employment, not to pay us with borrowed money. And really, only C got real worried when we started charging rent. S didn't seem to care much. I don't know his true feelings, but I saw no change in his actions, so what does that mean?
But I digress. Here's where I need some specific advice. Tonight when I was arguing with S about folding the clothes, he got all sassy with me. He said I am not his mother. I said no, but you are living in my house. He said "don't patronize me," and the next words he spoke to me were patronizing. I pointed out that he is neither working nor continuing his education, therefore he needs to be more involved working around here. And then he had the gall to accuse me of sitting around doing nothing! I said to my husband, who was in the room also, I said "Honey? Did you hear that!?" He turned and laughed at S, and said "No, no, you do not understand." I don't remember exactly what he said after that, but the upshot is that S went in to help the other kids fold clothes. I'm steamed.
And shocked beyond words. How do I respond to that? OMG. I don't think it necessary to defend myself. It is true, for the last few months I haven't been very active around the house. I've been on the computer, blogging mostly, since I quit driving the bus last spring. I've also had a mild nervous breakdown or two. I'm looking for myself. I've spent the last 25 years working to raise these kids and care for this family. Who the hell is he to question my activities when he is living in my home under my good graces??
Superman has been chewing on this as well. He just informed me that he's decided S will mow the lawn, front and back, every week. And he will clean up the kitchen every day.
Honestly, I don't think I should defend myself against S's accusation that I am not doing anything. It is totally beside the point. A diversionary tactic of his. What do you think? Besides which, just this week I have begun to be more active around here. He isn't aware that I applied to Lander. And I'm not going to parade that information out just to show I've not been idle. OMG. The gall. And I'm rambling again.
In summary:
- How should I respond to his accusations and excuses?
- Should I defend my recent level of activity?
- What next?
14 comments:
i think you should listen to your heart. you have the answers. i would lightly suggest that some of my greatest lessons in life and the things that led me to the strongest growth were the challenges i have had to face in life. sheltering from realities and fairness is not helpful in the end. more like crippling. boundaries exist in life. i need to recognize and respect them if i want to succeed.
I wonder if it isn't time to nudge these pseudo-fledglings from your nest before they are causing more trouble.
It's your home, you don't necessarily have to be doing anything, and I see no reason for you to get defensive, which is probably what S was banking on. You've opened your home to him, been lenient about their paying the rent in a timely way...and it sounds like they have their fill of your groceries, too.
They don't know how sweet they have it. If S can't treat you with the respect that someone who's given him a SERIOUS break deserves, then it may be time for him to see what the real world alternative is.
Perhaps I'm feeling a little intolerant tonight, but I'm a bit annoyed that you've done so much for them and been trod upon for it.
That ain't right.
first of all, what you do or don't do around the house is both immaterial and none of his business. the fact remains that he isn't your child and you're not required to support him. that you're doing out of the kindness of your own heart. his accusations are both rude (extremely considering his own position in the house) and unconscionable.
you don't have to justify anything to him, it is the other way around.
i suggest a simple thing. tell him (with c present) that you can no longer support s the way things are. he either gets a job (and sticks with it) or he goes back to school. he must do so within a month or he has to leave. you also should call him on his attitude, his rudeness and his lack of contribution around the house.
to be honest, i think he's overstayed his welcome and has begun to think you are his servant. he's all grown up and should be shouldering responsibility for himself. to do otherwise would be a disservice to yourself, c and s.
you asked, i gave my opinions. he's being a leech and needs to go.
Don't explain; proclaim.
It's your house, so you get to do what you want. It's not S's house, so he doesn't. Simple like that. Don't like the rules, go get your own house.
You are his landlord. He has one week to get a job and/or sign up for a class. (If he can do it in a month, he can do it in a week.) If he does neither, he will find his belongings on the front porch. And change the locks; it doesn't cost much to have all exterior locks rekeyed. This boy needs to learn to have respect, and you have every right to demand it. Oh, and rent is due on the first of the month.
First of all I just want to say that I go to sleep for what? two days (sick) and I awake and you have written bunches of blogs! lol I have much to catch up on. lol
My feelings and thoughts go along with what the others are saying. Decide how much longer you can put up with behavior, then give him a time limit..job or school. But you will have to carry through with what you say if you don't he will continue. A therapist a long time ago told me that about my first wife...don't make threats you won't keep. Another thought is maybe you could talk to him, when you are both calm and discuss how you have been considering what to do with the rest of your life...maybe telling him that you hav applied...he sounds like he is lost...no direction....we all get there...you have been there....but now you are making decisions...just share those feelings is what I am trying to say. But still, give the time limit.
New Rule for the Java Household:
"Please, check your attitude at the door or the door may hit you on the ass on the way out.
Indigo Incarnates
Well... for one thing, you ARE doing something. You're raising three children that are still under age 18. In addition, you applied for college and will be taking classes in the spring.
I had the idea this morning that S should simply go back to high school. I don't know if the system works in SC like it does in MD, but around here, if you're under 21 and you have the chance of graduating before age 21, the school system *will* take you back. It works that way in PA also, where my lazy brother (like S, but straight) FINALLY got his diploma at age 21.
So... rather than a GED, S should just finish off 12th grade. that would get him out of the house during the day and he'd be doing something useful with his time.
I can't add much more than what everyone else has already said here. You owe him nothing, he owes you respect for taking him in. Most kids today feel the world owes them a living, it is up to you to remind him that things just don't work that way. Good luck!
I have to agree with Greg. C and S are legally adults. If they won't pull their weight around the house then maybe it's time that they find their own place to live...
I haven’t been reading your blog very long so I don’t know the intricacies of the interpersonal relationships. With that said here’s my opinion. I would not have tolerated S quitting school. S needs to either finish school or get a GED. If S chooses the GED route then he needs to find a job. There should be no freeloading. Does mowing the yard every week really cover the expenses you incur support S? If S chooses not to finish school, get a GED or find employment I would give a deadline for S to find another place to live. You need to be tough. It is only is his best interest. S will not think so but in the future he will see the great thing that you did for him.
When I quite college (I was paying my own way) my father gave me the ultimatum of finding full time employment or being thrown out. I found a full time job and soon moved out. I realized that without a college education I would be working low paying jobs my whole life. I returned to night college that my employer subsidized. I graduated and was soon promoted. I have been working in corporate America for over thirty years now and have achieved a high level of pay and a very comfortable life. I was angry with my father for forcing me to get a job but I soon learned a valuable lesson. Everything I own I bought for myself. All of my success is due to hard work. College is not for everyone. A person can be successful with out college. I have a friend who barely graduated from high school but has been very successful in the automobile industry.
You should not have to defend your level of activity. It is your house. If you choose not to work and your husband supports that decision it should not be of concern to S.
I don’t feel that you need to respond to his accusations but make it clear that you will not tolerate excuses when comes to finishing school or finding employment.
Perhaps I sound like a hard ass. Perhaps I am. I feel that hard work and motivation is the key to a wonderful life.
wow. i think everyone else's advice is spot on. there is not much i can add here...everyone has pretty much covered it.
either s. needs to learn to live by the (what seem like very) easy rules around the house, or he's out. period. life does not hand any one of us easy rides and he needs to earn his keep; put up or shut up.
I hate to say this because it will likely sound cliche, but... S is acting exactly like every other 18 year old who hasn't received a consistent upbringing. He thinks he knows it all, and thinks he's your equal. We all know better, and he will too, soon.
Rest assured YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. These boys NEED to learn now how the real world works. Adults must work in order to live. Work should be done outside the house for money, and work should be done inside the house as contribution to the overall running of the home. That is how life works.
They may not take it well at first, since they have not had consistent discipline from their birth parents, but if you can maintain your reasonable stand, they will eventually see the wisdom of compliance now, and again much, much later in life.
Good for you, Java! You're helping to improve their future lives!
Mark :-)
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