It's been quite a weekend

and I don't want to talk about it. Suffice to say that the police were involved. Here. At 1:30 this morning. Sproing this time.

Superman found the conestoga frame for my truck. I'm a goin' on the road again in a couple of weeks. Less than two weeks now, actually. I'm preparing stuff, beginning to figure out the route. I'm going to upstate New York anyway, and possibly on into New England. Right now I'm all hep to go lots of places and see lots of people. Once I've been on the road for a while I'll be less eager to go other places and more eager to come home to Superman. Though not so eager to come home to the miscreants.

I'll have to explain the conestoga frame. It's a wooden framework with PVC pole ribs to support a tarp, making the bed of the truck into a tent of sorts. (I would promise pictures, but you know how I am about picture promises. I still owe you pics of the puppy and my last road trip.) The idea is for me to do some camping while I'm on the road, or at least have that as an option.

Diva insists that we grill burgers today, it being Memorial Day. So we've got hamburger meat for those who want it, some veggie burgers for me and whomever else may want some, a few chicken boobies, some beer brats, and some turkey hot dogs. Diva just put an apple pie in the oven. She made it herself from scratch, including the crust. I'm impressed, actually. Took her a couple of hours to do it, but that's OK.

The right rear tire on my truck is flat. Sproing noticed it flat yesterday afternoon. Don't know what happened, exactly. Superman suspects I have a nail or screw stuck in it. We (he) will take it to our favorite tire place tomorrow to get it repaired (if it can be repaired).

Spelling quandary: repair and prepare. Why aren't they both spelled with either an "are" or an "air"? Those two words trip me up regularly.

That's all I got for now, folks.

Good intentions

Of course I've been meaning to write. Almost wrote a post last night, but was too tired.

I got a lot of good work done yesterday. I fixed a rather elaborate dinner. It wasn't all that fancy, but I ended up spending a lot of time in the kitchen. It was a good meal, too. Roasted chicken, low fat sweet potato casserole, and a simple salad that Superman made. Oh, and homemade yeast rolls. It's the dessert that took so much time and used so many eggs. I made an angel food cake, using a dozen egg whites. That left me with a dozen egg yolks. So I made a big double recipe of chocolate pudding. Have you ever made pudding from scratch? It's time consuming. Not terribly difficult, though not  simple either. Anyway, I had fun with it. Dinner was a success, the food part anyway. The table conversation, not as much.

Because the kids were at the table with us. Diva and Sproing got deeply involved in a spat. Again. For the second night in a row. Twitch didn't help, adding his opinions to the fray. And right now, honestly, I can't even remember which particular mess happened last night or the night before. And I don't remember details of the arguments either.

One of the things I was going to say last night is that I'm doing better with the kids. I've been more involved in the household, spending a bit less time hiding in my room. That seems to help some. Sometimes. And yesterday morning I woke up before 5. I lay in bed thinking about making waffles, and finally got up and did that. That's one of the things that kept me in the kitchen for so long yesterday. I made a huge quadruple batch of waffles, with plenty of leftovers to freeze. Think Eggos, only better. That used 8 eggs right there. Yeah, I went through about two dozen eggs yesterday, all things considered. The sweet potato casserole used one, the dinner rolls used another couple. I had a brief nap after lunch, but had to get up to pick up Sproing from bad kid school. He gets out at 1:45. School starts around 8, more or less. I can't remember exactly. Superman takes him in the morning, I usually pick him up in the afternoon. It's a relatively short school day. Shorter by an hour than the elementary schools. Think of it, though, a whole school program full of troublesome students like Sproing. They don't hang on well throughout the day (Sproing's medicine wears off early sometimes) and who wants to deal with that much grief for a long time? So yeah, they only have about five hours of school. I guess that qualifies legally as one day's instruction. They have to get their required 180 days in. Except for when the kids get suspended. Which Sproing did last week. Did I mention that? Yeah, he got suspended from bad kid school for three days. What a mess. Kinda like this paragraph, which is a huge mess. Let's leave this particular travesty and begin another paragraph, shall we?

So, better at dealing with these kids, right? Well, maybe. Or not. Let's discuss today. (Must we?) (Yes, Java, go ahead and get it out. It'll be alright. Take a deep breath, be calm, etc.) This morning I got a call from the high school, from one of the assistant principals. Diva was in trouble and needed to be taken home. Her regular assistant principal was out of the office today, so another one had to fill in. Diva was not suspended or anything, just sent home for today. Because she was not cooperating in class or something. What she did was get up and walk out of a class after the teacher refused to allow her to leave. That's the mood she's in. She got into some argument with another student or students before school and let this attitude affect her behavior. So she was sent home. Except she wouldn't come out to the truck when I got there. So I went in to get her, but she wouldn't go with me, she wanted to see her guidance counselor. Fine. We go in to see the counselor. She doesn't want me to go with her. Tough, I'm your mom and you don't get to choose these things. She told the counselor about the drama with the other girls. He said something like "OK, I see that problem, but look at your choices now. You are the one who's letting this attitude affect you. You can't change their behavior, you can only control yours." You know, that sort of thing. She huffed out his office and went back to class. WTF? She's been sent home, she can't go back to class! I didn't know where she was and asked the nice lady in the attendance office to help find her. Yeah, the kid went to her next class. The nice attendance lady (she really is a nice woman. I like her.) sent someone to escort Diva to the front office where I was waiting to take her home. You can imagine Diva's attitude by now.

We got in the truck, I told her to put on her seatbelt, and she refused. Good gods, is this how it's gonna be? So I turned the truck off. We aren't moving until you put on your seatbelt. Fine. We sat there for 45 minutes. In the heat. (Thankfully it isn't as hot and humid as it has been.) I ended up calling for the school resource officer to help. He got her to fasten her seatbelt. We came home. I told her she is grounded for the long holiday weekend (they are out of school Monday, oh my aching ass). She wouldn't give me her phone, but called her boyfriend (he's 13. Where is he that he can talk to her in the middle of a school day?). Anyway, a bunch of yada yada yada like this shit for a while. Superman came home. He tried to reason with her. Nope, no good. So he spanked her with his belt. No good. She ran off. We called the police to report her as a runaway. She actually came back home, was in the back yard but we didn't know it. Sproing saw her back there. So the nice police officer came over, talked to her, talked to Superman and me a bit.

Before Superman went back to work he talked to Diva again, this time she listened. She did her laundry (one of the things I told her to do) and said she would clean her room and the bathroom. I haven't checked up on that yet. I keep thinking I'll get up and go check, but alas, I can't seem to motivate my butt off this bed and away from the computer. Yeah, I'm afraid of her. My defenses don't want to subject me to her presence.

I took away the curtain from her window. I took away her rat (hamster, but whatever). There isn't a whole lot that she has that we can take away. Oh, about the phone. She refused to give the phone to her dad, so he went to the mobile phone store and had it disconnected. So she might have the physical phone, but she has no way to call, text, etc. anyone she wants to talk to. I think she can still call the emergency number, so that's good there, I guess.

Superman called a few minutes ago, asked about supper plans. I have some stuff I can throw together for dinner, but he wants to go out to our default location. So he's picking up some cheap nasty take out pizzas for the ne'er-do-wells and we'll go out tonight. I wonder if that's the best decision. Perhaps we should stay here to supervise the mayhem. But I can't think clearly right now. He says he's considered it, and the best option is to get away from them for a couple of hours. Hopefully pizza will placate them for that long.

I really don't know what else to say. There are some other things happening in my life, I think. I sewed some this week. Made a dress that I plan to paint. It's a plain muslin thing I put together to test the pattern. I want to use the pattern on other fabric, but want to make sure the pattern works for me. So I have this white dress that, for the most part, works pretty well except the color. So I'm going to paint it so it looks fantastic. That's the plan. I have to be more calm and sane than I have been today for that to work at all. I tried to do a couple of other things this afternoon, but was too frantic and scattered to accomplish anything except sitting here playing Mahjong Titans and surfing the 'net. I hate this crazy feeling. I really thought I was starting to get my shit together better than this, but I didn't count on the Diva Explosion. I suppose I should have. She always does this eventually.

Hell, I don't want to talk about her anymore right now. I'll post this, change my shirt, put on some shoes in preparation for going out with my wonderful husband. Yeah, that's the plan.

Misc.

This song has been floating around in my head since mid afternoon today (Saturday). I don't know why. It's been years since I thought about it.


And for some reason pedophilia has been on my mind this afternoon, but I think I know why. C and I had a discussion about a woman he knows whose father sexually abused her from a very young age. In addition to emotional damage, she has physical damage from his abuse (both physical and sexual). There is a lot I could say about who would do such an evil thing, but I won't go there today. This conversation meshed with the topic of hell. Hell: is it real? Is it a place, some ethereal plane where "sinners" spend eternity, as I learned in church? I don't think so anymore. Nowadays I am more inclined toward the idea that hell happens here and now, caused by people doing terrible things to others.

Superman took all three of the kids to Carowinds today.  It was a treat for me to be here alone (well, except for C and his buddy). I had a very good day. I spent a lot of time with the dog (which reminds me, I owe you pictures of this dog. I also need to keep taking pics of him because he keeps growing). He's still getting the hang of doing his bodily eliminations outside. I watched him very carefully today and he did most of his business outside. Progress! He's a sweet puppy.

I also baked some bread. I considered doing more baking, but did other things instead. I went to the grocery fairly early this morning, leaving for the store around 8:30. I was gone an hour or so. Earlier would have been better, but the crowds weren't bad. I got through the checkout very quickly.

The other fun thing I did with all this alone time was start a new sewing project. I enjoy sewing, but don't do it often. It takes a lot of creative energy, and when the kids are here they drain my energy, making it nigh unto impossible to start a sewing project. I also need a chunk of uninterrupted time (minimal interruptions, at least) and with these trolls here that doesn't happen much.

I sort of wanted to take a nap, but decided against it. I have all this time to myself today, why waste it sleeping? Maybe I'll nap tomorrow (Sunday).

Let's see, what else was I going to tell you?

Sproing, as I think I've mentioned before, is now going to the alternative school, the place where delinquents who can't be civil in regular school spend time "refocusing" on their education. Yeah. About that. He was suspended from the alternative school for three days on account of he wouldn't sit quietly and do his work in class. I don't know about that boy. So he was home on Friday, and will be home Monday and Tuesday. This is  not the way I want to spend my days! This is yet another reason I don't have a job outside the home. We don't trust these kids to stay by themselves for very long. A few hours every so often, sure, but not all day every day of the week while Superman and I are at work. You'd think that by the time they were 15 they'd be responsible enough to take care of themselves. Nope. Not these two.

For the past two or three days Sproing has been relatively well behaved and cooperative. This is a big change from the week or so previous. O.M.G. That kid has been horrid. He's talking to us in a manner one does not talk to one's parents! Except he does. He argues about every little thing. He deflects the conversation (argument) from the topic at hand to insignificant side issues. He is supposed to be grounded right now but earlier in the week he just ran off with his friends and stayed out until almost 9:00, after dark. Didn't care that he was grounded. Wouldn't cooperate with anything. Screamed at me and his dad, was rude beyond belief, and hurtful too. He says some of the most hurtful things. I'm sensitive to it. He knows my buttons, dammit. I'm supposed to be able to remove my emotions from the conversations, let his comments roll of my back more samer than a duck with water.

The early part of the week was awful. On Monday I met with the Continuum of Care team to get Sproing back on their client list. I got a letter today saying that our request is denied. Evidently there are community resources we can access to help with his behavior. OK. Yeah, in the meeting I got a couple of leads for resources for him. Haven't checked into them yet. Frankly, I forgot. But the rejection letter today reminds me.

The meeting was difficult, as I had to discuss his behavior and defend myself as a parent. The other people in the meeting were kinda tough on me. They didn't say anything that isn't true. You know, they stepped on my toes. It was hard. I feel like I do the best I can with that boy (and his sister) but they're saying "you can do better." Well shit! This shit is hard! But they are right, there are things we can do to improve the way we handle it. It is really really hard to focus on the details when all hell is breaking loose around here! As parents we are not as consistent as we should be. There is too much chaos in the household. We get emotionally overwhelmed too easily.

On Tuesday I had another meeting with ... somebody. Oh, yeah, my psychiatrist. I laid into him about my troubles, and he said "sounds like you need a therapist." Yeah, well, I have one of those. Two, actually, since we've got a family therapist coming to the house once a week for now. I don't know what I was supposed to say to the good doctor. "Hi. I'm current on my meds. Nice weather we're having. Well, see ya' in three months." He gave me some advice, most of it useless. He doesn't work with children and adolescents, and I don't blame him. Those kidlets are tricky. So he doesn't know how the systems work. He suggested placing them (one or both) into an alternative living arrangement. Oh, doctor, you are so far behind the curve here! After a while I quit listening to him. The only thing he said that was marginally useful is to think of myself as a survivor rather than a victim. I'm not sure exactly how to do that, but it's something I can contemplate. He said that I am smart and something else, maybe intuitive or some such. Anyway, that I can figure this shit out if only I try harder. Made me want to cry.

Then on Wednesday I met with Sproing's counselor. He and I went in to the session together. He usually goes alone, but I needed to talk with the counselor (Marie. She's pretty good, actually.) about his atrocious behavior. He was in the office too, and he demonstrated some of his nasty attitude and rude behavior. Marie pointed out how I was falling into his trap, taking the bait he set for me. After maybe 15 minutes he got up and walked out. Fine. The little son of a bitch. So Marie and I finished the session. It was easier without him. She told me I was smart and intuitive or some shit. Pretty much the same thing my psychiatrist said. I cried. I started tearing up a bit before Sproing left, and I suspect that's what triggered his exit. He hates when I cry. He acts like a total shit, it frustrates and hurts me, I cry, and he gets upset. WTF?? Marie told me to be stronger (I'm starting to tear up now as I type this), not to take his bait. She told me to keep doing what I'm doing, be consistent. Basically, I (we) need to keep up the parenting. Even in the face of total failure (what it looks like from here. She says it isn't total failure, but I fail to see that) we need to continue to stand firm and guide the boy. And the girl, for that matter. I feel so overwhelmed, but the message I got for three consecutive days was that I need to muscle up, rethink my reactions to this shit, quit being overwhelmed and get stronger. Damn. I mean, DAMN. Dammit dammit dammit.

And ever since the counseling session on Wednesday Sproing has been trying to behave himself. He has had a good attitude, mostly, and isn't arguing or going into a rage the way he was for more than a week prior to Wednesday. He is easier to deal with now, for sure, but I know nothing has changed, really. He's still the same, and something will happen to tip him into the anger pool again. Don't know when, it could be tomorrow, or he could be copacetic for another week or maybe two. But then he'll lose his shit again and drag me through the emotional furnace. And in the meantime there's Diva. Who pulls the same shit, only with less predictability. And less self control, which gets really scary.

So, to review: I'm a failure as a parent, except I'm not. I'm smart and CAN figure this out, except I can't. Or haven't yet, anyway. Oh, and the family therapist has also told me that I am smart and creative and can figure out how to handle their shit. He said that a few weeks ago. I actually really like this guy, but sometimes he pisses me off. Or maybe it's me who pisses me off. I don't know.

OK, it's so late that it isn't even today anymore. I didn't get a nap today, and got up pretty damned early considering how late I went to bed last night. So I'm gonna shut down and go to sleep now. Well, soon. Eventually. Aw hell...

I'm back

Betcha didn't notice I was gone, huh?

I ran away for a few days, got some mountain therapy. I went camping all by myself not too far from the Blue Ridge Parkway. On my way home yesterday I drove a couple of hours on the BRP. And by "on my way" I mean more than 100 miles out of my way. But that's my way.

I have pictures. Yes, I got a new camera. I'd take a picture of it, but it can't take its own picture, right? Ah, never mind. Look it up. It is a Canon little blue thing. Canon with some letters and numbers after it. A quick and dirty point-and-shoot because that's my way. I'd post the pictures now, except I haven't downloaded them yet and I can't reach the camera from where I'm sitting. I'm also somewhat cat stuck, so of course I can't get up.

Can you tell I am lazy today?

I had to get away from the little troll monsters. I was just about over the edge. I had a fine time and felt much better while I was there. The damnedest thing, though, is that I came back and here it was, waiting for me. Sproing was here when I got home, and he was a total asshole to me. Diva was at the skating ring (as she calls it) and I was in bed when she got home, so I didn't see her until this morning. She's acting all nice and friendly, which just pisses me off. There's something about her that creeps me out. She can be nice, but she's so often cruel to me that the nice seems like the worst kind of hypocrisy and/or cover-up.

I'm home and irritable. Except Superman, everyone else in this house irritates me. As Superman says, "I want them all gone."

Did I tell you that C lost his job? He has worked at the donut shop for nearly two years, off and on. The owner's daughter works there, too, of course, and (or but) she has a bit of a drug problem. She evidently has been skimming from the till. She has even admitted it before. Well, two weeks ago there was some money missing and the owner blamed C for it and fired him. He says, of course, that he didn't take it, and he probably didn't. (Once you're lied to so many times, it's very difficult to believe anyone. C doesn't lie to me, I think, but so many other young people do that I have a hard time believing anyone any more.) But the owner fired him nevertheless. So right now none of the young adults in this household are working. Actually, Superman is the only one with a job. It's a bad position to be in. We've given the guys (including Twitch) some significant home improvement and landscape jobs to do in lieu of rent payment this month, but so far none of them has even started. I am pissed.

I need to stop talking about this right now, I'm getting too worked up. I'm trying to remain chill. Hard to do around here.

I was away from home for three days. I left Tuesday afternoon (if I recall) and got home late yesterday afternoon. Whilst I was away Superman had to leave work for at least 1.5 hours each day to take care of Sproing or Diva's needs. Diva had a doctor's appointment, Sproing had to be picked up from school. (Did I mention he's going to the "alternative" school now? No transportation except us unless we can show need.) Yesterday Sproing was complaining of back pain and couldn't sit in his desk without pain. So he says. Superman had to pick him up early, then didn't get away from the house for over an hour.

Superman was commenting about how  much of his time they needed during the day, and I said yeah, that's one of the main reasons I don't have a job. I feel a bit guilty, or bad, about not bringing in any income, but I know how much running around I do during the weekday taking care of these kids' needs. I need him to validate my significance for that sometimes. He told me he appreciates all that I do so that he can stay at work. I feel better now. (maybe a little bit, anyway)

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I have a problem with Mother's Day from a mother's perspective. I'm fine from a daughter's perspective. I'll call my Mama either tonight or tomorrow and all will be well. I gave her a gift when I saw her last month in Florida. No, it's my kids. The only kid I enjoy spending time with lives 600+ miles away. The other three who bug the crap out of me to varying degrees live way too close. Diva asked me today what I'd like for Mother's Day. She wants to cook me dinner. I'm OK with that, but have to decide what I want. But like I said previously, she kinda creeps me out and I don't trust her when she's being nice to me. As for Sproing, we had a brief interaction yesterday and he was unbelievably disrespectful to me. Superman had a talk with him and came away confused as to why Sproing seems to hate me so vehemently. I don't know. I wish we could ignore Mother's Day around here.

I've been having dreams recently in which I'm being attacked my small children. I used to love kids. I wanted lots. Be careful what you wish for. I'm so bitter and cynical about children now, and I hate it. Honestly, I am afraid of children.

I'm worried about Superman. He is under incredible stress. He was talking to the family therapist while I was away this week, and the therapist said if he doesn't relieve some of this stress it's gonna kill him. Kill him. Dead. I really really really don't want him dead. I need him desperately, I love him deeply, he is a large part of who I am. He needs to not be dead. And this kind of stress will kill a man. I've seen it happen before. With our recent brush with mortality (my Daddy) I'm even more aware of how fragile life can be.

The kids are putting us in danger, mentally, emotionally, and even physically. It makes sense to get them out of the house. We've been trying to get Diva out of here. We've looked into group homes and such, and due to her behavior history she doesn't qualify for placement in most of the places we can afford to put her. The state hasn't helped much. At all. We have yet another meeting with the Continuum of Care folks on Tuesday. Maybe there's something yet to be done.

Damn, I'm depressing myself. When I started this post my intention was to be cheerful and shit. And really, I had a lovely time in the mountains, even when putting up the tent in the rain (almost). (Almost a good time, not almost putting up the tent in the rain. I did put up the tent in the rain.) Thursday and Friday were gorgeous weather days. The drive yesterday was spectacular. Then last night I got to sleep with my husband (and also "sleep" with my husband) and that was lovely. The cat is affectionate, as if perhaps she missed me. She's getting fine black hairs all over me, but that's one of the ways she expresses her love, I like to believe. Oh, I also read a few books while I was gone. Lovely gay romances, mostly. I stayed up all night reading one on Wednesday night/Thursday morning, didn't go to sleep until maybe 8 in the morning. And no one was there to deride me for that shit. Love my Kindle!

Plans for today are to stay away from people as much as possible and perhaps get some more sleep. Lovely time in the mountains, not quite enough sleep. Eh. It's my way.

Oh, also, I bought a new "Welcome" mat to go in front of the tent in order to reduce the dirt going into the tent. Our front door mat is old and useless, so when I got home we threw out the old one, replaced it with the new one. The new one actually says "Welcome" on it. As introverted and, perhaps, unsocial as I am, I really don't like my door mat to say "Welcome." The old one said "Wipe Your Paws." That was better. I've seen one in magazines that says "Go Away" which suits me even better. Maybe I should get a plain mat and paint something like "Enter at Your Own Risk" on it. Although actually I like "Go Away" better.

Be back here soon, hopefully, with pictures from the trip.

It's primarily bad children, though

So much has happened in the 23 hours since my last post. Holy shit.

Currently listening to this.

Except of course I don't feel fine. Half way through a bottle of Martini Asti sparkling wine (cheap shit, my favorite!) and am feeling better in some respects. 

But seriously, what the fuck can I do with these trolls? Let me see if I can catch you guys up on all the unfortunate drama. 

Superman got home last evening around 8, maybe? Not sure. I'd closed my eyes to rest but wasn't fully asleep. Neither of the trolls was home, which is good and bad. They weren't actively annoying me, but I didn't know where they were and was concerned about their welfare. Go figure. Also pissed at them. Sproing is grounded, dammit, but he's gone. Diva is just a wild bitch and I don't trust her.

So Superman decided it was time to call the police to report them missing or runaways. They found Diva in Abbeville staying with her boyfriend. I am vaguely aware she has someone she calls a boyfriend, but I don't know who this kid is. Her dad and I specifically told her Friday night that she could NOT go to Abbeville. We both tried to call her but her phone went directly to voice mail and she didn't return any calls. So anyway, the police found her, went to the home where she was staying and took her to the Abbeville police department. That pissed her off, believe me! Embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend and his uncle. hee hee. Serves her right. We had to drive to Abbeville to bring her home. At midnight. After Superman hadn't had any significant sleep for approximately 40 hours. He felt like shit. I drove.

Sproing came home while we were out retrieving his sister. We called the police officer who was managing this fiasco to let him know everyone was home now. He came over and gave a nice little lecture to the kids. It did no good, of course. They can ignore grownups with alacrity. I added my two cents because my two cents is worth a lot more and they should listen to the wisdom of their mother. Dammit, their mother is fuckin' wise! They are missing out on a good thing here, right Light? I know useful shit, don't I?

But I digress. Cut to today. Sproing got up this morning and his dad gave him some tasks to do. Sproing talked back to his dad, made some snarky comment, and Superman smacked him upside the head. Sproing spouted off disrespectfully again, so Superman smacked him again and knocked him over. Sproing then got up and did what his dad told him to do, thank you sir.

I made a detailed list of things for Diva to do in the kitchen. By 2:00 I still hadn't seen her so I sent Dad to check. She was still in her piss soaked bed. Godallmighty it stinks in there! I'm not sure what Superman told her to do, but she didn't like it so she called the case manager to complain that her parents are unfit. Or something. I am not sure. Then I think she threatened to call the police, to which Superman replied "go ahead." And she did. Two young men from the city police department came out to interview Diva and Superman, separately. Superman told them exactly what happened. Yes, he smack the kid twice, and the kid fell down the second time. The kid got smacked for being disrespectful. OK, fine. The other officer talked to Diva. Don't know what she told him. Then both of the officers spoke to our next door neighbor. I have no idea what that was about. Superman told me what had transpired, and I decided I needed to talk to the officers myself.

Well, I went through the living room and there was Diva. I asked her something, can't now remember what. What do you think you're doing? maybe? Anyway, she got all sassy with me. I told her no, she is my child and she does what I want. She said that she told the officers that her daddy had threatened to hit her. I asked her if she told them that she had assaulted me? Oh, they don't need to know that. Pissed me off. So I went out to speak to the officers. Superman and Diva joined me.

(Update: All 750 ml of sparkling wine is now on the inside of me.)

We had a little powwow. I told the officers that Diva has a bad attitude. I explained what happened earlier in the weekend - Friday night through Saturday night, with her running away and the police getting involved. She said she doesn't want to stay here. I said I don't want her here, either, but it is our responsibility to make sure she is properly cared for. Oh, get this, she told the officers that she feels stressed being here. HA!!! What a hoot! I feel stressed too, bitch. Put on your big girl panties and get to work. Bitch. I told her and the officers that I was not going to just let her go anywhere without making sure she is properly cared for and supervised. I also told the officers that she is on a lot of medication, and as a parent it is my responsibility to see that she gets medical care. When she left Friday she didn't take her medicine, and missed her Sat. morning dose as well. I asked if she'd taken her meds today, and she said no. Right. I pointed out that some of these meds have withdrawal symptoms if stopped suddenly, and some of her feelings might be due to that. So take your damned medicine bitch!

Then these two fine young men with the Greenwood Police Department proceeded to give her yet another lecture about how she is a child and must obey her parents. She's got it good now. Her parents care about her and are taking good care of her. She is powerless until she turns 18. She needs to obey us. The real world is a lot uglier than this. Et cetera. She didn't like that much, but had the sense to keep her mouth shut. Last time I saw her she was in the kitchen doing what I told her to do. I told Superman to keep me away from her because I want to smack the shit out of her. I want to kick her into next year. I am very angry.

Superman is working on the sink cabinet for the hall bathroom. The bathroom that has been in various stages of remodel for, what, five years now? The sink cabinet is one of the last things to do. He's actually working on it now. I am pleased about that. Perhaps this week we will have a sink in the bathroom. I hope so.

Sparkling wine doesn't seem to like my intestines. Or vise-verse.

I need a break. Yes, I still need to run away. I'm working on a plan. Might run away twice. Perhaps I can take a couple of days, maybe three, away from home this week. But I need a long trip. That won't happen until  after school is out for the summer probably. I don't know yet. We shall see. I want to visit some blog friends in various places along the east coast.

That's what I know now.

More about bad children and bad parenting

I am desperately trying to keep it together. I'm close to breaking. Today this is one of my coping mechanisms. Jason Mraz is singing positive messages to me.

In yesterday's post I told you that my children are rude, crude, and socially unacceptable. Allow me to continue the story.

Both of them disappeared last night. Sproing is still on probation with a court ordered 7:00 curfew. He's officially released from probation on Monday, but Friday night isn't Monday. He wandered off with his friends and didn't come home until some time this morning. When I got up to take care of HIS dog at 5:45 he was not at home. The dog and I went back to bed and when I got up at 10:00 he was here. I refuse to talk to him. He tried to ask me a few things, but I glared at him in lieu of an answer.

Diva also wandered off somewhere last night and is still missing. I assume she's with friends. She said something to one of the other guys around here about going to the Spring Festival in Abbeville, the little town west of us. I had told her no, she could not go. Her Daddy told her before he left for Georgia yesterday that no she may not go. I think she went. It's after 4 in the afternoon now and still no girl. And Sproing, who in addition to being on probation is grounded, has left again. Total disregard for my authority as their mother. 

I am getting very close to having a nervous breakdown. I feel a strong need to flee. Superman and Twitch are on their way home from Georgia now. They were supposed to stay with Superman's folks until tomorrow, but in part because our children are trolls, he is coming home early. But also he left his CPAP here so he couldn't sleep last night. When he gets here he's gonna be in a really foul mood and not in any state to be reasoned with. I am glad he's coming back, sorry for the reasons he needs to come back, and not looking forward to dealing with his mood. Hell, he probably isn't looking forward to dealing with my crazy ass, either.

Remember Diva's door? Here's a reminder. This morning in my anger and frustration and crazy-ass-ness I painted over the door. I found some dark green paint, stirred it up, got my little 2 inch brush and put a very thick coat of paint over that mess. A very thick coat. I didn't neatly paint the door, I just covered what was there. When I walked down the hall recently I noticed that the paint is running down. There are run/drip marks below where I painted. Don't know if it has dripped to the floor yet. Don't care if it does. The floor is just underlayment that needs to be replaced before we can put some kind of finished flooring on it. Which is another frustration in my life, all the unfinished remodel projects around here.

I am mentally packing my bags and planning my escape. I considered leaving today before Superman and Twitch get home, but have decided not to do that. It's wet and cool outside today. I kinda like the cool, but the wet hampers attempts to do anything outside. I'd like to go camping, but not in the rain.

I need to get out of here. This is my mental health escape. I could get my psychiatrist to admit me to the hospital, but that would be more expensive and probably a lot less effective than a solo trip to a leafy mountainous location. Not sure when I'll leave or how long I'll be gone. If I go within a few days I will be gone less than a week. If I wait a couple more weeks I can be gone a bit longer. I feel a long drive coming on. I want to see some powerful big water. Maybe I'll go to the ocean, or perhaps a raging river or a big waterfall. 

Something about bad parenting, I think

It's been a bad day. The bad day started yesterday. Think I'll whine about it for a while.

Superman left this evening to visit his parents for the weekend. He took Twitch, leaving me here with Sproing and Diva. I've been having trouble with these two trolls, so he leaves me alone with them. OK, that's not fair. He wants to see his parents, and especially to visit his mom in light of next Sunday being Mother's Day. He'll see her this weekend so he can be with me on Mother's Day. Nevertheless, my poor broken heart feels abandoned to the trolls.

I've mentioned before that my two youngest children are not normal. Here is a recent example. Last evening Sproing and Diva were picking on each other. Nothing new there. It started as pseudo-friendly banter. They were having fun, playing, trading verbal barbs. With these two these things can get out of hand in a hurry. And of course that's what happened. I don't even know what the argument was about. One of them pushed too far (they also both have boundary issues) and made the other genuinely mad/hurt. So the angry one got nasty to the other, which made the other even meaner. You see how these things go. I was staying out of the way. My currently philosophy about their arguments is to let them have at each other and do what damage they will. In other words, I (am pretending that I) don't care.

Diva came into my room to complain about Sproing, and said she was going to "cut him" if he didn't quit this shit. Don't remember exactly what I told her. Probably something like "leave him alone, ignore him, go into your room to remove yourself from the situation." Of course she didn't.

They finally separated and retreated to their own rooms. I got up to check on things and noticed that the kitchen was still a mess, and it's Diva's day on kitchen duty. I went into her room to send her back to finish her job, and low and behold there on her chair was my largest butcher knife!!! I asked why she had it but she wouldn't tell me. The only thing she ended up saying is that she was holding it. Yeah, and I heard her threaten to cut her brother. Holy shit.

They both treat me like garbage. They are rude, disrespectful, etc. I take away privileges, lecture at them, demand that they treat me (and their Dad) with respect, but they don't. Oh, occasionally they'll be nice and do the right thing, but generally they act like trolls. I have failed them as a parent. I am so depressed. I don't have the energy, the strength to follow through. They know how to kick the foundation out from under me and weaken me to the point that I am useless. That is where I am right now. Useless as a parent to these trolls.

Oh Hai!!

It's possible I'm a bit drunk. Not really drunk, just quite happy. Tipsy in a good way. Question: what's the difference between being tipsy and being drunk?

I suspect it's similar to the not-so-fine-line of what sex is. How do you define "sex" as in Having Sex. Is it not sex until there is some form of penetration? Oral sex is by definition sex, though, right? What about manual stimulation? Passionate kissing while being fully clothed, is that sex? There is not a fine line between what is ans is not sex. It's a continuum, or personal interpretation, or something that might make more sense if there wasn't so much beer in my system.

Have I told you recently that I really like good craft beer? No? Well, let me take this opportunity to let you know that I really like quality craft beer.

This is gonna ramble, if you haven't picked up on that yet.

Let me tell you about the Sproing-ster. OMG what a mess. So, did I tell you that he had an expulsion hearing last week? I think I did. And that he was assigned to the alternative school instead of being expelled. We went to orientation for the alternative program today. It sounds good to me. He starts on Thursday. We learned lots of things today. He will wear a uniform consisting of either sneakers or boat shoes/loafer type shoes, khaki pants, and a light blue button down shirt. I'm telling him that a white undershirt is also part of the uniform. Oh, and he must wear a belt. If he needs any more outer wear he may wear a plain blue sweater or sweatshirt, no designs, no pockets. Any overcoat or jacket he wears will be hung in the hallway. Seeing as how we've got warm spring weather now, that isn't an issue.

There are only 25 more days of school before summer break. This does not comfort me, dammit. I am SO not ready for these trolls to be home all the time. Already I'm looking eagerly forward to school beginning again in August. Hang on, let me look.... ah, yes, August 20th is the first day of the 2013-14 school year. Good Lord deliver me safely through the summer.

Diva will likely be in the 10th grade next year. Sproing will probably need to repeat most of 9th grade. He is more intelligent than she is, but not as willing to do what needs to be done. Have I indicated how frustrating that boy is? If not, take note: he is VERY frustrating.

I've been reading a lot the past few days. I have well over 100 books in my Kindle that I haven't read yet. I've read over 100 books so far. Most of the ones I'm downloading these days are fairly short things, less than 100 pages of text. I can go through a few of those in a day. Yesterday (Monday) I mostly stayed in bed and read. Today I had a lot of errands to run, plus taking Sproing to the alternative school then to his therapist at the local Mental Health clinic. I took my Kindle so I could read during wait times, which I did. Read a cute mermaid story, sort of a sequel to The Little Mermaid in which Ariel's (though in the story her name wasn't Ariel) great grandson goes on dry land and meets a Prandsome Hince Handsome Prince and falls in love, thereby breaking the sea witch's spell that will otherwise kill him. It was a lovely simple m/m mermaid story. I have concentrated on my gay romance collection. There are other genres of books in my Kindle, but this week I'm all about gay romance.

Wait. I just remembered that I started a post about Sproing and set it to automatically post sometime like early this morning. Which means it's probably already up. But I didn't finish it. I think it only has a couple of sentences. Hmmm, I need to check that, probably just delete it.

And it's time for me to go to bed. Tired. No significant nap today, just maybe 15 minutes. Now that I'm tipsy (or drunk, depending) I'm all kinds of sleepy again. With that I say Good Night.

Oh my stars it's been so long since I posted!

Full disclosure: I have had a full bottle of ChocoVine cheap nasty red wine with chocolate milk or something in it. Lovely stuff, though cheap and nasty. The buzz is beautiful, though. I don't want to know the calorie count, so don't even tell me.  It looks like chocolate milk and tastes rich and inviting. Twitch said it tastes like chocolate flavored cough syrup, so I don't have to worry about him getting into it, eh? Hee hee. 

Posting pictures is going to be a problem for a while because I lost my camera. Well, I have the pictures I took before it died. By "lost" I mean this: 
Java goes canoeing swimming! My camera was in a small pack that was in the canoe when it overturned. It got kinda wet. It kinda doesn't work anymore, though I was able to save the SD card. So I have a few pictures to post. The picture above was taken by my loving brother Jim who was in a kayak following our canoe. Hal (a former step brother with whom I lived as a teen) was in the stern of the canoe, I was manning the bow. This was the first time we dumped. Once we got the canoe on the bank, dumped the water out, and got settled in it again, we headed down the river again. Fifteen minutes later we did the same damned thing. That is me with the funny hat on in the above picture. We were carrying most of the lunch stuff. And we spent so much time in the damned water that we really didn't have time to stop to eat lunch. After the second time we dumped into the drink, I moved into my brother Mike's canoe and that worked a bit better. Part of the problem is that I'm a bit too heavy to ride in the bow of a canoe. Woe is me.

All of my brothers, the two biological ones and the three step brothers I grew up with, went canoeing on the Juniper run in the Ocala National Forest the day after Daddy's life celebration party. It was more "closure" than the party was. We had a small packet of Daddy's ashes that we sprinkled into the river. Daddy and Mary (the step brothers' mom, Daddy's second wife) used to take us canoeing on this piece of river when we were kids. That was the reasoning behind the canoe trip and sprinkling his ashes into the river.

I have canoeing experience, but it was so long and so many pounds ago that I've lost my touch. Amazingly, though, I was hardly sore the next day, and not at all sore (except some bruising on my legs) the day after. I did kinda make the trip hard on the brothers though, and I feel bad about that. But I really wanted to go, really wanted to be present for the disposition of Daddy's ashes. I'm glad I went, even if it was more challenging for the brothers.

And can we talk about the brothers for a few? I love my brothers, specifically the two biological ones. The step brothers, for the most part, I like well enough. There's one in particular that I have some "uncomfortable" history with, and I won't go into that here. (If you're terribly curious, email me privately and we'll talk.) Nevertheless, about the brothers: they're pretty damned critical of me. I had a hard time with them  last week. (for reference, I arrived in Gainesville on Wednesday April 17th and departed Wednesday April most recent, whatever that was.) It's a hard time in retrospect. I was too busy living in the moment to realize how troublesome it was at the time. I love my brothers, I really do. And I have a lot of respect for them (the two I'm directly related to, particularly). Here's my take-away impression from my interactions with all five: I am not good enough. I'm not as good as they are at the things they do well. Canoeing is  but one example. Parenting seems to be another, at least in the case of two of them. I certainly don't keep house as well as they do (which, by the way, is true). It seems to me that the only comparisons are the ones in which they shine. What about me? I can do many things well. I'm sensitive and caring, I sew well, am good with arts/crafts. I'm very nurturing, which can be a good thing in moderation (evidently). I am very intelligent. But when I'm with them, we play by their rules, on their playing field. And I fail there. Java < brothers. Java < men. 

Maybe I'm a bit butt-hurt. Maybe I should get over myself. Maybe I should have a really good cry over all of this and move on. What I've been doing is drinking too much.

Let's find some pictures. That might cheer us up a bit.
This is Hal, the step brother with whom I shared a canoe. Also the one with me when the canoe tipped over. Twice. He did not want his picture taken, so he hid every time I pointed the camera backward.

 And here's the river. It really is beautiful.

 Much of the river bottom is clear white Florida sand. Some of it is a thick layer of mucky detritus. It was in the mucky part that we dumped the canoe both times. Icky, and hard to get out of.

Here's my Mama at the life celebration party for Daddy. She's his first wife.

 These are the step brothers, Mary's sons. Mary is Daddy's second wife. She is still alive, but suffering from some pretty severe dementia. Not sure if it's actually Alzheimer's. Hal (the one in the middle) is taking care of her mostly. She's in a nursing home near where Hal lives.

 Left to right that's Dan (the youngest), Hal and Charles (the twins). Charles, by the way, is gay. He's living in Vancouver, BC, Canada and is officially married to his husband Bob (whom I've never met). Dan lives in Gainesville and I've seen him recently, but haven't seen Hal and Charles in over 30 years. Nice, mostly, and also kinda weird to see them again.

Light flew in from Pennsylvania for the festivities! It was really good to see her. Didn't get to spend much time with her, though I plan (hope) to get up to Pennsylvania to see her before too long.

 This is Kathy, Daddy's third and final wife. She is the grieving widow.

And she is, too. She really misses Daddy. She's mad at him because he died, because he isn't coming home. She keeps waiting for him to walk in the door. They really loved each other. They were together for 20 years, twice as long as either of his first two marriages lasted. Kathy is having a rough time. She also has Parkinson's disease which is getting worse. She will soon (I think soon, anyway) need to have a lot more help with daily living tasks. Daddy was planning to be there for her, to help her as long as he could and keep her as independent as possible. I'm not sure what will happen with Kathy. Her oldest son Tom came from Portland, Oregon to be here (there) for the life celebration. I'm really glad Tom was there. He needed to see for himself how fragile his mother is now, how much her disease has impaired her abilities.

I like Kathy a lot. She is very opinionated and outspoken, and some people in my family (some of the brothers) have a hard time dealing with her. She is wise and has a lot of good things to say. She's also full of shit sometimes. The trick is to recognize the difference. I don't have much trouble taking the good and ignoring the bad. I'm worried about her. I want her to be well cared for as much as possible. She has a strong independent streak, so it might be tough for her to let go of some things, to accept her limitations which continue to increase daily. I feel bad for her. Parkinson's is a rotten way to go. Avoid it if possible.

And I have been drinking more. I don't think I'm turning into an alcoholic, but then the alcoholic is the last to know, right? This is the way I'm dealing with the stress. Not healthy. Most of my medications caution against drinking while taking the medicine. Yeah, well, right now I don't care.

In my next post, Sproing! What's he up to now?

Yes, I'm still here **With Update!

Hello my peeps! I've missed you. I have been kind of busy. Right now I'm in Florida again, this time with Twitch. Twitch is all over my nerves, too. He complains all the time and makes excuses for why he can't do whatever is suggested to him. I don't want to talk about him right now.

I'm very tired. It's quite late, and I've had a busy day. There are a few things I want to relate, but don't know how much I'll remember to say right now. But I really want to get something up here before you all forget about me. And right now I need my blog friends.

Sunday afternoon is the memorial "life celebration" party for my dad. I've been here since Wednesday. My brother Mike arrived today. My brother Jim lives next door to my step-mom's house, so he's always here. My Uncle John (Daddy's brother) was here when I got here, don't know how long he's been here. Yesterday my step-mom's son Tom arrived. It's very good for him to be here. He needs to see how his mom is. She's got Parkinson's and it's getting worse. Not sure what she needs, or what Tom and his brother Sam will be able to do. I'm concerned about her.

Just this evening (Friday night... I know it's officially Saturday, but I'm still working on Friday) we had some good discussion, processing as a family through Daddy's death. There will be more. Tomorrow (Saturday) is a day to prepare the house for the party. It's gonna be a big one, I think. Lots of people have said they're attending. Lots of details to iron out.

Light flew in to Orlando this evening. My Mama picked her up. Mama lives in the greater Orlando area, so she and Light are spending the night there at Mama's house and will drive up to Gainesville tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing my daughter. I guess I'm looking forward to seeing my mother, too, but really I want to see Light.

OK, lets get on to a few other things that have come to mind recently. Let's try bullet points, shall we?

• Had sushi for lunch today. Shopped at a Fresh Market store near the step-mom's house and picked it up from the deli counter. It is pre-packaged from "Sushi with Gusto" which came from, of all places, Greer, South Carolina. Greer is an hour north of Greenwood. So yeah, my lunch today that I ate in Florida was actually made close to my house and followed me down to Florida for me to eat. For the record, it was tasty. 
• The stores in Gainesville have much better beer selections than anything I've found in Greenwood. I got some Samuel Adams Cream Stout, which I am currently testing. And enjoying quite a bit, thank you. Yummy stuff!! I also tried Stella Artois today for the first time. That is available in G'wood, but I've never tried it before. It's OK. Definitely drinkable, but not remarkable. The Cream Stout is definitely remarkable! I got a whole 6-pack of it, so some should make it back home for Superman to share. I was able to get a "make your own 6-pack" from the Publix, which is where I added the Stella Artois. Also got some Magic Hat stuff, can't remember now what it is. Haven't tried it yet. And other stuff that looked good at the time but I forget about now that I'm not looking at it.
• I stayed in my step-mom's house the first night we were here, then moved to a hotel. My Uncle John had reserved a room for himself, but changed the reservations to my name for reasons I'm unclear about. Whatever. He's paying for it. As I said to Mike today, it's on Uncle John's dime, and he has more dimes than I do. It's a much nicer place than I'd have chosen, but I like it. Last night Twitch was with me. Tonight he is at his Uncle Jim's place sleeping on an air mattress in Jim's game room. I am blissfully alone. Did I mention that Twitch and I have had a bit too much together time this week?
• Light will stay with me for the next two nights. She goes back to Orlando with Mama, flies back home Monday afternoon. I'll check out of the hotel Monday and go back to step-mom's house. Her son Tom is leaving on Monday, so I'll get his bedroom I guess. I'm fine with that. I'm finer with staying in this hotel though. This is Florida, and all the people here are used to living here in this heat and humidity. The crazies leave their air conditioning set to nearly 80. It's awful. I can't change my step-mom's thermostat, of course, but here in the hotel I can crank the temp down to a more comfortable range. I'm finally blessedly cool! I fear I might freeze Light out tomorrow night. Though she lives in Pennsylvania, she prefers warmer temps than those that comfort me. First world problems. 
• I miss my husband. He's a wonderful guy, and right now he's too far away. I heard from him today. Work is beating his ass but not as much as the younger kids are. He isn't having a lot of fun. I wish he were here. 
• Man, I really like this Samuel Adams Cream Stout! 
• I told you last week about a puppy. Yes, we have a puppy. His name is Oreo. I took some pictures of him to post here, but I'm too tired to do that now. Also I think the dear deserves his own blog post. So stay tuned. Don't know when  that will happen. I have more to process here about my Dad's life celebration, like the fact that my ex-step-brothers are coming to town. 
• So, my dad has had three wives: my Mama was first, he left her for his second wife Mary who had three boys. Daddy and Mary got together when I was about 8 or 9 years old, and finally divorced when I was in college. I grew up with Mary's sons as my step-brothers. I have two new step-brothers now, but I barely know them. My dad married their mom back in the early 90s when I was married with two little kids. So when I think of step-brothers I think of Mary's sons. One of them, Dan, lives here in Gainesville. Hal lives in Greensboro, NC and Charles lives in Vancouver, BC, Canada now. Growing up with these guys, well, there's a lot of history. Some of it is ... kinda difficult. I haven't seen Hal and Charles in over 30 years. They are twins, and a couple of years older than me. Dan is a year younger than me. I've seen Dan a few times when I come to visit Daddy, but haven't seen the twins in, like I said, a very long time. A lot has changed for all of us. I dreamed about them last night. Both the twins will arrive in town tomorrow evening. We're all getting together for dinner and to go through pictures of Daddy and the family. There will be lots of pictures at the party, and we all get to pick out which ones to display. Together. I gotta tell you, I am nervous about seeing the twins. 
• Right now it's 1:30 in the morning. I am very tired. I had a dream about Hal last night that kind of upset me. Am I afraid to go to sleep now because of that? Or am I just stalling because it's what I do? I've had a glass of wine and a beer, but spread it out over the past three hours so I'm not feeling tipsy at all. Don't know it that's a good thing or not. But my head is beginning to hurt a little and I think it's from the tired not from the booze. And I have successfully written a blog post (in that it is written, not that it is necessarily a good post) which was my goal, so perhaps I should shut up now and go to sleep. 
• I still have stuff to process about my step-brothers, my Daddy, my Mama coming to my Daddy's death party (oops, I mean life celebration party), and probably some other stuff that I'm too tired to remember now. I hope to be able to ramble about some of that stuff here soon. Until then, I'm going to sleep now. Or something. 

Update: 
I survived the first night of get-together with all the family. Seeing the twins was a bit odd, and slightly uncomfortable, but for the most part very positive. The purpose of tonight's gathering was to go through photographs, picking out great ones of my dad to display at tomorrow's (technically today's) party. We found some great ones. Hal brought a bunch that his mother had taken from the years we were all together as that family unit. A lot of them were from building the big house out in the woods. Awesome stuff. I visited a lot of good memories from those times. Hal's stash also had photos from the Christmas we spent with my his mom's parents back in... hang on, let me figure it out... 1974 I think. I have a lot of very good memories from that visit. My dad had a lot of very old photographs from his parents' collection, some from their parents' generation even. Those were very early in the days of photography. There were some great ones of my grandpapa and his brothers as children and young men. I learned a lot about my grandpapa. I saw a picture of my grandmama when she was maybe 20 years old, one that I'd never seen before. I never knew her to look like that. It was a powerfully emotional evening, lots of laughs, lots of memories being tossed around.

Those in attendance tonight were my step mom and her son, who were mostly in the background because tonight's pictures were from before their involvement in Daddy's life. All three of my former step brothers were there; Hal, Charles, and Dan. Dan's S.O. Sunshine and their 3 yr old son Byron were there. Byron is the cutest and brightest 3 year old I've known in a long time. Light and Twitch were there, as were my Uncle John and his son, my cousin Jay. I haven't seen Jay, Hal, or Charles in at least 30 years. No, I may have seen Jay at my grandmama's funeral which was in 1996. Still, that was kind of a long time ago. And of course my brothers Mike and Jim were there. Jim's wife and 8 year old daughter were kinda hanging around in the background, but not in the thick of things.

It was fun showing my kids pictures of me when I was a kid. Light looks a lot like I did when I was in my teens. Actually, when my step brother Charles first saw her he wanted to call her by my name, she looks so much like he remembers me. My youngest step brother Dan is still very trim, but Hal and Charles have both developed quite the gut since our youths. I've probably gained the most weight, but it was a bit comforting that they are large now, too. And shucks, my brothers Mike and Jim are both fit and trim like years ago. They take better care of themselves than I do. eh.