Diva. O.M.G. Keep in mind, she's only eleven years old. OK. First of all there's the sex thing I mentioned a few days ago. I got home late Wednesday night, and had a discussion with her about it Thursday afternoon.
But on Thursday afternoon, I had to hunt for her. See, she's grounded; not allowed to go out of the house except to attend school. But she left the house within 15 minutes of getting home from school. I wasn't watching her. I stupidly assumed that since she knew she was grounded, that she'd stay home. Nope. I found her, and she seemed incredulous that she was grounded. Couldn't figure out why. Then she lied to me, saying her daddy said she would be grounded over the weekend, but not Thursday. I called Daddy. He assured me he had said no such thing to her.
Thursday afternoon the school hosted a yearbook signing "social" that some of the kids were going to. I'm not sure how the attendees were chosen, whether they had to buy special tickets to go, or if they earned the privilege. I don't know. One of the teacher chaperons was collecting tickets, though. Diva had been looking forward to going to this event. Well, after her previous indiscretions she was not allowed to go. So she snuck out of the house, hung out with her friends, and I assume she was waiting until time for this little party so she could walk over there. I scotched her plans by finding her and dragging the poor thing home. You should have seen her countenance. She looked as though she was being persecuted unjustly. She genuinely seems to not realize that she has done something wrong.
She was frantic about going. She told me that if she didn't get her yearbook at the party that afternoon, all the left over yearbooks would be thrown away. I knew that to be untrue, but I checked up on the information. Yep, she'd lied to me again. I went to the school and asked the teacher. Yearbooks get distributed next week for those who didn't get them early.
I left her at home with Light (we're still talking about Thursday afternoon) while I ran a couple of errands. When I got home, Diva was gone again. A couple of her friends came by to see her, and Light told them Diva couldn't play. They went around to her bedroom window. Light heard Diva talking to them, so she went to check on Diva. The child was in the process of climbing out her window. Light pulled her back inside and Diva got violent and shoved her sister into the doorjamb. She climbed back out the window and wandered off with her friends.
Diva showed up shortly after I got home. Superman arrived just after I did, and she walked in with him. We questioned her about what happened, and she lied again. She said she'd opened the window to let the cat inside. She denied climbing out the window. When pressed, she would only say that she almost went out. Or something like that. It was funny, except it wasn't, how she refused to admit what she had done.
She's been up to it again today. I discovered before I left for Baltimore that my collection of state quarters was missing. While I was away, Superman cleaned up the corner of the room where my quarter collection lives and he didn't find it. She says she didn't take it, but I don't believe her. She said she couldn't remember where the display folder was, indicating that she had taken it.
She needed to have her hair "done." She arranged with an older girl from the neighborhood to do it for her. That was supposed to happen this afternoon, but the older girl wasn't at home. Sometime around 9:00 tonight Diva snuck out again to meet up with these girls. I'm not sure if they came by to get her, or what. Superman and I went to ask her a question and she was gone. Light said Diva had told her she was leaving. Light said "Did you ask Mama?" Diva lied, said that I knew all about it. It is not alright for her to go out after 6:00, especially if we don't know where she is or that she has left. Does that make sense? She seems to be completely befuddled about what was wrong with her behavior.
Oh, and when I tried to talk to her about what happened with the boys (yes, there were two) when she had sex, she denied having sex. The boy and his sister, however, say that it did happen. The word I got was that they were all naked, and each of the boys took a turn lying on top of her. I have no way of knowing if there was any penetration, but even if not, lying naked together like that is close enough to be sex for the purposes of this discussion. She assured me that she had not taken off her pants at all that afternoon, except to use the bathroom and she was by herself in the bathroom. Lies.
I made an appointment for her to see my gynecologist. I spoke with the doctor's nurse, who asked what I wanted them to do. I told her I want them to scare the shit out of the child. The nurse assured me that they could do that, and would be happy to. She will have a simple pelvic exam, a PAP smear, and they'll test for chlamydia and gonorrhea. Then the doctor will talk to her about STDs, with gross pictures to illustrate the point.
I fear that it won't really scare Diva, though. She doesn't make the connection. The idea of consequences does not filter into her little brain. When she experiences consequences, (and believe me, she does) the child feels unjustly persecuted. She can't understand that the current unpleasantness is in any way related to what she did. She sees nothing wrong with what she does. If she wants to do it, then it's OK.
She goes in for the psych tests in 1.5 weeks. It can't come soon enough.
11 comments:
I feel for you. I wish I could use my fairy dust and make it all better you you and Diva. I don't think even that would help. Hang in there, the calvary may be slow but it will eventually arrive.
You know, narcissists don't get it until they get back exactly what they dish out. Disrespect her and then deny doing it. Lie to her.
Lie about things that you did while she's watching, and call her crazy. Refuse to see her point.
She will know what you're doing.
Hold on, sweetie, hold on. Since lying is a part of her life strategy, skip the questions. Don't allow her to lie about it, just assume the worst and act on it. If she protests, so what? You have only her record to go on, since her words can't be trusted. Her actions can't be either. That girl needs a leash. You are in some deep stuff here, Java. It isn't you, what you've said or what you've done.
I am sorry.
If she had grown up in my family, she'd have been locked in the closet. Not that I'm recommending such a course of action. Still, I didn't turn out too badly.
Wow. She really doesn't get it, does she. I can see why you're tearing your hair out. What to do when a child simply does not recognize a connection between her actions and the consequences? I hope the psych tests provide some answers and strategies. In the meantime, are you and Superman doing something nice for yourselves? Keep breathing at the very least. Nice and deep.
I ran over here as soon as I saw the title of your post on my blogroll.
I'm not even going to try guessing what is going on in Diva's noggin. I hope the psych tests can get to the core of it. In the meantime, it sounds like you need to keep her on the shortest possible leash, like staying in the same room with you or Superman at all times. She's clearly out of control.
I'm sorry, honey. These times will pass.
As someone who's going to be a grandfather way too early, I can only commiserate - no pearls of wisdom, sorry. Kids do this sometimes, and when it's way too young it tears your heart out. I feel for you, Java, because I know what it's like all too well.
Indigo Incarnates
One of the many problems with Diva being a compulsive liar is that no one will believe her when she's telling the truth. I had a friend in college that just couldn't tell the truth and it was really irritating. He was a likeable guy but his word was no good.
I don't have any words other than Holysweetjesusonafuckingpogostick!
*holding thumb and pointer finger 1/2 inch a part'...
that's why I believe in this much child abuse..
i went thru similar problems with my (now) 36 year old daughter..she's just now at the stage where I can trust her. Goddess bless you my child..you're going to need all the help you can get.
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