Update featuring "bad" children

I wish the kids were mature enough to be civil responsible citizens, but alas, emotionally disturbed 16 year olds act like ill-behaved adolescents. Both are on probation. Sproing is currently in violation of his probation, but Diva is about a month away from being off probation. She's done a bit better recently. However, just this Tuesday the two of them got into a fight here at home. They traded punches and threw things (including furniture) at each other. It was a loud mess. Property was damaged. But through it all I remained calm. It's gotten to the point that whatever they do, there's not much I can do to make a difference. Through the fight I calmly told them to go to their rooms and calm down. They totally ignored me, as usual. I'm just trying to survive until they grow up and move out. It makes me feel like a bad parent, but I don't let it tear me apart like it used to. When I was earning my recent psychology degree I remember in either Adolescent Development or Adolescent Psychopathology class I read that "bad" children lead to "bad" parenting. OK, it wasn't that simple. Difficult children make it much harder to do the "good parenting" things. I find that to be a very true truth. 

Superman is out of the country on business this week. He'll be home Saturday evening. It's been a long week. He's in Belgium, where those Belgians make some of the best chocolate on the planet. As usual when he goes to Belgium, I don't allow him back in the country unless he brings me chocolate offerings. After the week I've had, I need it! 

"Need" might be overstating things. I'm an over-eater. Some people drink too much alcohol, and "need" booze to help them through difficult times. In like manner, I "need" chocolate. I had a lovely bowl of chocolate ice cream this afternoon. In related news, I've gained about 20 lbs. since the start of summer. I'd lost about 60 lbs. but am up 20 now. I need to get a grip on this shit. There are more effective ways to deal with stress. But dammit, I'm too stressed (or maybe too depressed) (or both) to invest the energy into eating right and exercising as I should. That's bullshit, you realize. I am responsible for my own actions (or inaction, in this case). It is all my fault and it's my responsibility to get my shit together and do the right thing. But damn. A bowl of ice cream is easier. Also, the depression thing causes me to not care about myself enough to do the right thing. But then I feel fat and stupid and want to lose weight. It's an evil cycle. 

Just this week I was able to talk to another mother with a difficult child. Her kid is only 7 years old, poor thing, and has serious mental/emotional problems. There is nothing I can do to provide practical assistance, but I can listen and sympathize. It's amazing how much help that can be. I understand her feeling of helplessness. She's just beginning to get a clue that she is a parent of a special needs child. It's extremely difficult to accept that designation. It's one thing if your child is born with an obvious birth defect. This kid looks perfectly normal. But when the behavior is socially unacceptable, the parent looks like a fool. It really isn't the parent's fault, per se, it's that the kid is abnormal. That's not what Joe Schmo on the street sees, though. My point here is that I feel useful when I'm able to talk to the mom, or more importantly listen to the mom, and assure her that I know what it's like, have similar experiences. 

And I heard from one of my former professors asking for the same help. She knows a woman with a difficult child and asked if I would talk to the mom, maybe help her connect to local resources to help the child. So now I'm waiting on an email from this mom. I do know a few resources that can maybe help the kid, but I suspect just connecting with someone else who understands will be as much help as anything else. 

I haven't had any social connections recently. I'm not doing anything these days, and I feel useless. Well, I am doing stuff, but it involves taking my children to appointments and such. Oh, I failed to mention that Sproing has been suspended from school all this week. The fool (he's really very intelligent, but painfully unwise) got himself six days of out-of-school suspension. So this whole week while Superman has been out of the country I've had to deal with Sproing all day, every day. And his attitude stinks. He's a pain in the ass, except when he wants something from me and then is very charming. He has charm out the wazoo. 

Speaking of chocolate, I read yesterday that the price of chocolate will probably go up soon. The African countries with Ebola problems supply much of the U.S. chocolate. Ebola is the real tragedy. Chocolate is a meaningful and unfortunate side effect. Chocolate impacts my life more directly than Ebola. For that I am thankful. 

Baseball is in the post-season playoffs now. I like baseball, and have been watching the playoffs when I can. The Kansas City Royals won the American League championship, and currently San Francisco and St. Louis are battling for the National League championship. The score in game 5 is tied at 3 in the 9th inning. Sproing has been in here arguing with me for the past two hours, criticizing me for not paying attention to him. And he's arguing about stupid stuff. So I told him to go away until the game is over. I hope he won't want to argue with me anymore when the game is over. I don't like to argue. The boy does. A lot. I'm emotionally exhausted.  

Meh

It's like this... nuthin'. I got nuthin' going on, nothing interesting to say.

My brain is full of cotton fluff. Nothing interests me, my primary motivation is to stay out of the way of the people in this house. Except maybe Superman. He's nice. Everyone else is annoying at the very least.

Sproing got himself suspended from school for mouthing off to an administrator and refusing to cooperate. Typical Sproingish behavior, I see it all the time. The assistant principal was not amused. Now Sproing is home until next Wednesday and I am not amused. I can't talk to him. When I try he gets very angry and won't listen.

Diva came home from school in tears today. The usual suspects are picking on her again. They're threatening to jump her... after graduation. She's repeating the 10th grade, and if she passes all her classes this year and next she will be eligible to graduate in June of 2016. So, over a year and a half from now she might get jumped by these girls who don't like her. But to her it is a big thing, and I can't dismiss her concerns. But she won't tell me who these girls are and she refuses to inform the authorities at school. So what the hell am I supposed to do about it? All I did today was make sympathetic noises. Really, it's all she allows me to do.

I'm not a good mother anymore. I think I used to be, to the older children who were good at behaving themselves. To the younger ones when they were real young. I have no idea what to do with them now. I've lost most of the respect they ever had for me. I feel used. This feeling of being used is probably typical of parents of teens. No matter, is sucks.

So my only purpose in life right now is to love my husband. I can do that. I enjoy loving my husband. He's a great guy. Not perfect, of course, and I try to ignore his imperfections. I can live with that. I'm supposed to have purpose as a mother, but my children won't let me. Whatever. I just wish they wouldn't argue with me. It hurts.

I don't post here very often anymore. There isn't much to say that doesn't sound pitiful. But I figured I'd check in, let you know that I'm still alive and I plan to stay that way.

Did She Survive the Summer?

I don't know. The verdict is still out on that one.

The kids are back in school and I am still alive, so if those are the measurements, yes I survived. But who am I now? I don't know.

I'll tell you a little bit about the kids. Sproing is already not doing well at school, and they've been in for seven days. We have a teacher conference with his English teacher tomorrow afternoon. Also he's failing math already. I don't know what it is about this boy, and I don't know what to do with him. That's what his English teacher says, too.

And now for Diva: she has contracted another STD, this time a biggie. She's got genital herpes. Or the way she says it, general harpies. You'd think she was an uneducated idiot. Maybe she is, though I've done everything in my power to enrich her life with educational opportunities and good moral teaching.

I don't know who I am. I feel like I'm about three feet tall with the strength of a four year old. No, I know too much to have the strength of a four year old. They have the benefit of ignorance (very different from idiocy) and naivety which increases their particular strength. I'm a useless mass of non-confidence. Or a non-confident mass of uselessness.

Can you smell the depression? And when I'm depressed I don't post on my blog very much. I also don't read blogs much, so I have no idea what anyone else is doing. Slugmama, bless her heart, sent me a message today (or was it yesterday?) inquiring of my situation. You can thank her for this post, such as it is.

I don't even go online much these days. Just this week I've checked my email almost every day, which is a huge jump from the once a week or so I was active last month. I had been doing the Facebork thing pretty regularly, but that tapered off sometime mid summer. I just don't care about much anymore.

The kids will be home any minute now and I want to be done here first, so this is what'cha got today.

A brief scream in the middle of an otherwise quiet blog presence

Still not connected, still on a hijacked computer

I did a load of laundry today. This amounts to rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic that is my household.

The kids are screaming ugliness at each other at top volume. Diva has caused a small flood in my kitchen and is now doing I don't know what in there. There are a handful of large, loud teenage boys in my living room. I just took an Ativan, so I won't be worried about it much longer.

I have no control over my household, my children, much of my life. I have no sense of agency. I don't even know how to work this damned computer belonging to Superman. It doesn't respond to me. If I were more comfortable with the computer I'd link "Ativan" to some drug information and "agency" to the definition that refers to one's ability to take action, or to effect action, or something like it.

There are no answers, there isn't even a question. I need nothing by way of comments. I just needed to scream out loud for a minute. I'll be fine.

School starts in three weeks and four days.

From a hijacked computer

because my computer won't turn on. I think it's just the power cord thing, but I'm not going to replace it right now because I need a whole new computer. But replacing the computer isn't happening this payday, you know? So I'm not really online right now. Just wanted you to know, in case you were wondering. I miss you all, though I'm keeping busy reading and sewing, mostly.

Hello

I keep thinking I should write something, but nothing sounds interesting.

Manny, my truck, is in the shop. The passenger window came off its track today, so they'll fix that, and I told my guy to go ahead and fix the bad oil leak. Maybe then the truck will be ready for a nice long road trip. Unfortunately a long road trip isn't in the budget, especially after paying for the repairs. Oh well. I do hope to get to the mountains of North Carolina for a camping trip this summer. Probably not going farther than that, unfortunately.

My life is boring.

Superman and I have been going to the gym almost every day, doing the weight machines and treadmill (me) or elliptical (him) on alternate days. Did that make sense? Every other day it's weight machines, the other days it's treadmill/elliptical. Tomorrow is a treadmill day for me. This is a boring topic.

I had an argument with Sproing today. Nothing new. We were in the truck (right before he knocked the window out of its track) on the way to his doctor's appointment, arguing, when I got pulled over by a state trooper. Why? Because Sproing wasn't wearing his seat belt. HA HA HA!!!  He got a $25 ticket and a lecture from the state trooper. I got to watch it all. We were only a little bit late for the doctor's appointment and it wasn't a big deal, thankfully.

I've been sewing some more. I made a dress that doesn't fit right but have an idea of how to adjust it to make it work. The arm holes (it's a sleeveless jumper) are too tight in the front. I'm going to have to hack up the bodice a bit. I'm making this shit up as I go along. I really don't know what I'm doing.

Which leads me to my current theme song.


And that's about all I got tonight.

The Title of this Post

Have you ever had a great idea for a post, then forgotten it when you sit down to write? I hate when that happens.

My children are getting older. I don't mean my children, specifically, not the four who share my last name. I refer to folks who are young enough to be my children. Diva's birth mother was 16 when she had Diva. She's now 32. I'm 52, a whole twenty years older than her. Today Superman and I met a young-ish Physicians Assistant (PA) who is 33, father of two-year-old twins. At 19 years older than him, I'm old enough to be his mother. And he's not all that young.

And how did we meet this PA? We were in the emergency room. Superman experienced some atrial fibrillation again this morning and got extremely dizzy. Shortly after 8:00 I said call the doctor, he called the office and made an appointment for 10:30. No, dear, TALK to the Doc! I mean, he could barely stand. He needed to go to the ER. So I called back and cancelled that appointment then took him to the ER. By the time we got there his heart was back in normal rhythm, but his blood pressure was low - 91/60. No wonder he was dizzy. They put him in a treatment room and eventually infused him with a unit of fluids (saline solution). That helped. They did blood work, took a chest X-ray, and of course did an electrocardiogram. Everything except the blood pressure was normal, and after the bag of saline solution the BP improved. So we came home. And had lunch. He stayed home the rest of the day and has felt fine. I convinced him not to go to work this afternoon. We had a pleasant day together, except for that ER part.

There might have been more I was going to say, but I don't know what it might have been.

I'm restless

but not bored!

This is the first full week of summer break for the kids. I made it to the second day before I lost it. Sproing was the instigating factor, he and all, I dunno, ten of his noisy friends who were in my living room all day playing video games in the dark. And he was R-U-D-E to me. He does that sometimes, then other times he's as nice and gentle as can be. I wish he'd be gentle and considerate all the time, but what's a wish worth? And he's 16 years old, so that ain't gonna happen anytime soon. Anyway, I had a good long cry, part of it in front of him. He's been nicer since then and I feel better, too. And on the third day, yesterday, I opened the back door and the curtain to bring natural light into the living room. He left it like that most of the day, so I'm pleased. Ish.

So, the restlessness. I think this is part of the Abilify medication. Seems I've more gumption to do stuff than I have stuff to do. And last night I woke up just before 3:00. I did some laundry, Faceborked a bit, found that thing I knew I had but didn't know where. Do you ever have a thing and there's something else that goes with it, or is necessary for it to work, but you don't seem to ever find the two things together at the same time? Yeah, that's me a lot of the time. Well, since I've been organizing some of my junk (and throwing some of it away) I actually know where some stuff is. Not everything by a long shot, but some stuff. And last night I found that thing that goes with the other thing that I cleaned up off the front porch recently.

Yesterday evening Superman and I transplanted sunflower seedlings into the small fence garden we have in the front yard. Don't know if they will survive because they were kinda young to transplant, but I'd started them in the little peat pellet things which are too small for starting sunflowers. I also have some marigolds started in the peat pellets and they're progressing just fine. Maybe one day I'll get some pics up here.

I never got back to sleep last night/today. I got dressed and went to the gym at 5:30. Last night I was thinking I wouldn't go today, but what the hell else can I do at 5 a.m.? So I spent half an hour walking a mile on the treadmill. Not much, I know, but I'm starting where I'm comfortable. I did sweat, so there's that. And the shower once I got home felt really good. Oh, and I stepped on the scale at the gym and I'm down a couple more pounds. I haven't been this low since sometime last fall, I think. Still not to the weight I achieved last summer, but I'm about five pounds from it. This feels good, except for the hunger part. And I'm not often hungry anyway. I'd love to have a bowl of cereal, but we're off grains entirely for the first two weeks. We've got about a week and a half until that bowl of cereal happens. tick tick tick tick

Diva finished her "seat time" at school yesterday at 11:00. So the meltdown I had on Tuesday didn't involve Diva at all as she wasn't even on her summer break yet. Gagh! She got out of school late yesterday morning and went directly over to her friend's house. Not Morq in Abbeville, but the girl who lives within walking distance. She spent the night there last night. Yippee!!

Late in the day Monday I realized our big freezer wasn't working. It's been acting squirrely for a few weeks, and it finally died or whatever. So Tuesday morning after dropping Diva at school I went to Lowe's and bought a freezer. A congelateur. Multilingual boxes are fun. Guy shopping is fun, too. I went into the store, picked up a 35 lb. bag of birdseed on the way to appliances. I found the freezer I wanted in about three seconds. Was looking for a smallish upright freezer. There was one small one at the end of a row of big ones. Ba-da-bing. Found the lady working the department, told her what I wanted, she did her computer thingie and ta-da. She told me to go to the checkout and give the phone number associated with our account and there it would be. So I did. As I was checking out the nice young man (cute, brunette, slender and quite strong) came up front with my freezer. I pulled the truck to the entrance there and he loaded it. By himself. Picked the thing up and put it on the tailgate. I was impressed. I got my ratcheting tie-downs around the box and secured it in the truck bed. The whole affair, from parking to driving away, lasted maybe ten minutes. Less than fifteen, anyway. I love efficient shopping like that.

Oh, I had to get some new athletic shoes for this gym thing we're doing. I despise shoe shopping. Superman went with me and I found a shoe I liked in relatively short time. It would have taken much longer if I'd gone alone. I'm glad he was with me.

I'm itching for a road trip. I want to go visit Light and see my other friend who lives there. A fabulously tall gay man who sometimes is a woman. I can relate. I'm a woman (not all that tall, not terribly fabulous) who is sometimes a man. Anyway, Nik has become a good friend. We can spend hours and hours talking. Way into the night. The night before I have to get up and drive in the freezing cold from western PA to Delaware. Hence the need for a nap Friday afternoon, to those bloggerpalooza participants. Oops, got distracted again. So I want to take a road trip back to western PA. Again. And it's time for my annual escape trip. School is out and I need to take an emotional breather to survive the rest of the summer. Thing is, though, what with buying a freezer and getting my truck fixed recently, road trip money done got spent. My truck works, but I can't afford to take it anywhere. Also it still needs the new gasket on the lifter place. And my guy says it'll cost at least $400 to do that. So here I sit. I might be able to finagle a road trip in a month or so, but I'm not sure.

Today is a good day

So often I post when I feel bad, depressed, frustrated, etc. I feel good today. So I thought I'd write down a bit about it here. Also, there's work I'm trying to avoid.

Stuff is getting done around here today, and it's a good Saturday to do it. "They" are predicting rain this afternoon, so the fellas are getting some outside stuff done now. Sproing and Twitch took a load of junk to the dump. Because I am a hoarder and they looked useful, I had Superman take the back wheels off the dead lawnmower before it left for the dump. They're bigger wheels, maybe a foot across. Not super big, but bigger than tiny, you know?

I sewed an ugly skirt for myself this morning. I just need a bit more elastic for the back waistband before I can finish it. Let me tell you the story. A few years ago, I don't remember exactly, I got this ugly fabric. I don't know how or why, but there it is. And there wasn't a whole lot of it, either, not enough to make a shirt with sleeves or a dress or my favorite skirt pattern. I designed a plain skirt with pockets (because pockets are important, dammit!) and cut it all out. Then left it to gather dust. I was depressed when I did all that, and decided to make an ugly skirt because I'm worthless and don't deserve any better. Then I got even more depressed and lost the motivation to carry on with making the thing. Well, I unearthed the parts recently and yesterday decided to put it together. Despite the fact that the fabric is ugly, the pattern I designed is pretty nifty and I wanted to put it together to see if it is as nifty as I think. The jury is still out on that one, since I can't put it on until there's elastic in the back waistband.

Superman is joining me in this weight  loss not-diet and exercise program. It's a 36 week program, did I tell you last time? Yes? Well, I'm telling you again. We had the orientation Wednesday last, then on Thursday did the first session with our personal trainer/coach. We get three sessions with her (Kimberly) for free to get us acclimated to the machines and such. I did 15 repetitions on each of however many machines she showed us. I forget which machines. There's a chart. I wasn't nearly as sore as I thought I'd be. Hardly sore at all.

After our first training session Superman took me out to get new shoes. I got the Nike Free things. Super nifty shoes! I wanted to get the mens shoe but they were out of my size. I got a gray pair of womens shoes. That's OK, too. Superman showed me a pair of bright red shoes, thinking I might be interested. I said "What?? Do you know me at all? What color do I absolutely never wear?" Red. So yeah, I didn't get that shoe. Also my shoe size seems to have grown from a 9 to a 10. What actually happened, I think, is that the manufacturers and merchandisers have changed the size categories again. I wore an 8 or 8.5 when I finished growing back in the olden days. I doubt my feet have grown that much. Some, yes, because pregnancy will do that and I did pregnancy twice, but really, I've been a 9 since the early 90s.

Today's project, until I get bored of it, is to organize more in my bedroom and office/studio. That's the task I'm avoiding now. I got a good start in the bedroom, got one big chunk of a shelf empty. The dusty stuff from that shelf is sitting on the kitchen table waiting to get cleaned and to find a place in my studio.

My stomach is asking if it's lunchtime yet. Think I'll have an egg in toast. That's too much starch for today, but we won't actually start the food part of the program until Monday, so today's the day, dude!

The drain

Sproing and Diva will be home all day tomorrow and for the foreseeable future. Today is the last day of school. I feel as though all the interest and motivation has drained from my life. I do truly despise summer break.

So I'm going to the gymnasium today for an orientation. I've joined a 36 week program (that's a really long time) of exercise and healthy eating that should get me in much better shape (and not so much the round shape) and help me lose some of this extra weight. I told the fella leading it that I want to lose 100 lbs. Now, I don't expect, nor do I desire to lose 100 lbs. in 36 weeks. Lordy, that's way too fast. Perhaps I could lose half of that, somewhere between 40 and 50 lbs in that time. That's also kinda fast, but doable, maybe. Anyway, I'll do orientation later this morning. Then probably tomorrow I'll start with the exercise. Ugh. I'm not looking forward to that part. And I need to get some proper attire. I doubt the skirts are going to be adequate. And I need proper footwear. Some people may be excited about getting all these new clothes and shoes and shit. I am not one of those people. I don't like shopping for clothes or shoes, though I like having a good pair of supportive athletic shoes.

I seem to be over-emotional today. Sproing threatened to skip school today and I broke down crying. Right now I'm on the verge of tears for reasons I don't understand. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's the threat of summer break. Maybe it's the threat of exercise.

For real, people. I fear exercise. It's like I was bitten by a gymnasium as a child or something. I get anxious and panicky when I go into a gym or onto a playing field. And I cry easily. I hate this. I look like a fat wimp. But part of me wants to do this. Really, I want the results and the only way to do that is to go through the discomfort, both mental and physical.

I have an idea. I'll make a paperclip chain, one clip for every day until the first day of school. And at the end of each day I'll take off one clip, and the chain will grow shorter and shorter. This works for me; I've done it before for other things. At first the chain seems interminably long, but all of a sudden, one day it looks shorter.

My brain is desperately searching for something to make it feel better. This is where we must avoid dangerous traps, because the simple brain wants to numb the pain. It's 8 a.m., let's have a beer! No, not gonna do that. The rest of that big bag of M&Ms. Also not a good idea. A cigarette! That'll be great! No, a particularly bad idea, and I don't smoke anyway. Dude, time to get baked. Nope, not going there. Don't have a source for that shit and I don't want to do it while it's illegal anyway, if at all. So here I am, pounding away on the blog. I think it helps.

I just received a call from the school. Diva needs to be picked up at 10:30 because she doesn't have a 6th period. As part of her shortened school day she dropped her 6th period class, and the last class of today coincides with the 6th period. So she has half a half day today. My stomach queeses. My last free day, last day free of them before summer break is now only two hours long. Well, three hours from the time they leave for school. Ugh. I'm not having a good day. Yesterday was a terrific day. Today, not so much.

Though I did get my sewing machine back. And for only $25 it got repaired, cleaned, and oiled. I am halfway through making a posh frock for myself. A dress made of linen. I probably won't work on it today, as it requires concentration and I'm all messed up.

OK, I'll put this on the blog then go make my paperclip chain. ttyl