I slept from 5 'til 11:30. I felt better when I woke up. Superman was still up and he should have been asleep by then. He was still puttering around the house doing things like laundry and dishes. I told him to go to bed.
C and S were still up. They were watching a movie. They stayed up for a while. C was dying his hair and needed to wait the requisite time for the color to set, or whatever it does, before he rinsed it out. The three of us had a nice visit. I was able to chat with them and not lose my cool. They've gone to bed now.
While visiting with the boys I was cleaning the kitchen. I washed all the dirty dishes and wiped down all the counters completely. I moved all the stuff on the counters and cleaned behind and under everything. That doesn't get done very often. S asked me how long I was going to clean. I didn't know. I needed to do something to feel worthwhile. But I am finished cleaning for now. There is much more to do, oh boy! But that's all I'm going to do tonight.
I still don't know if I'm safe for human companionship. Even though I was able to play nice with the boys tonight, I feel like I'm on a hair trigger. I'm also having trouble focusing on a task. I'm all disjoint. I hate when this happens. It's so hard to function.
It's so hard to function.
Moving Along, but Adrift
10 years ago
10 comments:
Indigo Incarnates
I got some rest too. I ended up being "chore boy" yesterday as well. What a drag. Oh well. I'm glad you're feeling a little better. I hope today is a better day. :)
the only guarantee is that things will change... into what? who knows... but things will definitely change.
I gotta say it sounds like something chemical is going on. When behavioral strategies aren't working, you need to look further. Have you had a blood test lately? You can describe what is happening to you and the doctor should know what to test for.
You're wise to know your limits for companionship. I know I need time alone every single day to recharge for those times together, even with—or especially with—family.
Prayers for you, sweetie.
Birdie
How did it feel to be cleaning the kitchen? I know that is usually a very distressing activity for you, but I hope you found some solace in its specificity, and visible results. When I'm feeling overwhelmed or confused, often something concrete like that, with a clear goal, and obvious end, is very soothing. I think sometimes restoring order in my physical space helps do the same in my mental one. Much love to you, Dear Java.
Dear Java,
Glad to hear you cleaned. I totally understand how you feel right now. Maybe it's a universal wave that hits some of us at the same time?
Glad you're a wee bit better today. Recognizing, you still have an "hair-trigger" is a good step forward. Take it slowly, there may be an underlining problem that needs to be resolved first and the reactions you have been experiencing are only the symptoms to that underlining cause of your anger. Hope you're better.
I've been absent for two weeks, my apologies! A wee bit better is much better than a wee bit worse. Hugs.
Hey, Sweetie. Hang in there. It is really all we can do, right?
Continue to rest and take it all in baby steps.
...so much easier to say/write than put into action.
Sending you a hug from here,
matty
Sending your calming, peaceful vibes.
Mark :-)
"I needed to do something to feel worthwhile." That's so disheartening to hear. You are very worthwhile.
On top of that, you allow your child to dye his hair. I think I would be armless today if I tried that. :-)
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