Cognitive Dissonance and newsy updates

I love you all, dearly. So you'd think I'd want to communicate with you more often. And I do, on one level. But I have layers, like onions.

(Start at the 23 second mark)
Which in this illustration makes me the ogre. Well, sometimes that description is accurate. But that's not what we're here to talk about today.
I feel these forces within me grappling for control. Looking for the right word, we turn to Thesaurus.com and find: Discord, Dissonance, Disparity, Dissension, Incongruity, Contention, Variance. I give you - My Brain! (It's a very confusing place.)

And the blogging is but a small aspect of the larger complications in negotiating my day. Every day.

Well, it seems like every day, on bad days. If I recall correctly (and with this brain, who can tell?) on good days I know what to do and do it with confidence. On bad days I don't know what to do, or won't do what I know to do. Disparity within the ranks.

The professionals call this Depression. There might be other labels for it, more specific than depression. I don't care about labels anyway. Except when I do.

Time to move away from the navel gazing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the news... Let's start with Diva. When last we checked in, Diva had moved to live with her birth mother. Well, that lasted maybe a week or two. The two of them are so much alike in some negative ways. Talk about discord! Diva left, to go... where? "Dad, can you help me?" She didn't want to come back home, which is great because we didn't want her back here. She had a job by that time, working at Taco Bell and wanted to stay in the area to continue working. Good idea. Superman put her up in a cheap (relatively) motel for a week while she looked for an apartment. She did, found a place that she could almost afford. We're helping her out a bit. A couple hundred dollars a month is worth the price to have her living on her own.

She was still 17 when all this transpired. Superman had to put the lease in his name because she was a minor. She tried to enroll in the local high school, but being a minor she has to go to school in the district/zone where her parents live. Um, nope. Special case here. Even with her dad on the lease, that wasn't enough. So she waited until after her birthday to go back to enroll. They handed her a couple more hoops to jump through.  I think she's done everything they asked of her. They said they'd call her. She's still waiting.

Diva wanted to get a second job, because damn, living on one's own is expensive! (Yeah. Duh. Living with ungrateful greedy children is really expensive.) She found employment at a new burger joint opening down the street. Then she made the mistake of mentioning it at Taco Bell, so they fired her - two weeks before she started the new job. But then I get confused, because she was still at Taco Bell the day she.. Well, let me tell you about the level of awareness and personal responsibility Diva has attained!

She had been working with a manager she liked and respected. He treated her in kind. Of course he was transferred, because Corporate Decisions. The new manager isn't as easy to work with. She and Diva had some disagreement, the specifics are unimportant (I don't know them). She was "getting all up in (Diva's) face!" Diva, bless her heart, recognized her triggers and tried to back down. The manager told her to go into the office so they could discuss it. Diva, having finally learned a thing or two about herself, knew that was a bad idea. She told me she just knew if she'd gone in, she'd have gotten so angry as to lose her temper and end up "punching the bitch" which would lead to jail. I am so proud of her for having this foresight! She said to the manager "I need to leave," to which the manager responded "If you leave now, you won't be back." Diva said "OK" and walked out.

And Diva already has another job, so she's not destitute or anything. There was a week between the Taco Bell stint and the new thing, so funds might be tight this month. She's learning about life, for sure. And really learning! Not just pretending to, then doing some other stupid shit. Diva was to start her new job this past Monday. I haven't talked to her so don't know how it's going.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Who's next? Let's look at Sproing. This young man needs some real life experience to teach him some truths, dammit. Back in October when I last posted, he was in the county hoosegow awaiting trial. His case went to court Wednesday of the week before Thanksgiving. They did a legal plea thing and applied a Youthful Offender thingie to the case. He was sentenced to 1-6 years, suspended, then put on probation for two years. As long as he stays out of legal trouble for these two years, he'll be able to have his record expunged. That's the Youthful Offender deal. So he came home in time for Thanksgiving, but the rest of us (Superman, Twitch, and I) went to Pennsylvania to visit Light for Thanksgiving. Couldn't take Sproing, so he spent his Thanksgiving alone. Kinda sucks, but it is what it is (as my brother likes to say).

Since coming home he's supposed to be getting back into a school of some kind and getting a job. Guess what. Neither has happened. He has filled out a few applications, and kinda talked about the school options. Right after Thanksgiving we contacted the high school about him re-enrolling, but because of his felony conviction, they don't want him there. I understand. I don't think he's cut out for traditional high school classes and all that bullshit anyway. His guidance counselor at school and I think he should get his GED. For some reason Sproing is adamantly opposed to that idea. Says he wants a genuine High School Diploma. We're supposed to be looking into online school options.

There's been a spanner thrown into the works, as the Brits like to say. Remember the part where he stays out of trouble for two years? Well, oops. There was a thing with some friend of his concerning two stolen watches. Sproing didn't steal them, I'm 97.5% positive. But he gave a ride to this kid when driving Superman's truck one evening. The next day Superman and I went out for a romantic lunch hour at Taco Bell (livin' large!) and I saw something shiny in the passenger side door pocket. You guessed it, the missing watches! Superman took them to the sheriff's office, Sproing was arrested for possession/receiving stolen goods. I'm pretty sure he knew nothing about the watches being in the truck until I found them. That kid probably left them there. Now Sproing has to go to trial to be exonerated on that charge. I hope that's what happens, anyway. If not, this violates his probation and he'll likely have to serve time, 1-6 years, in jail. I hope he gets out of this mess.

In the meantime, he had a birthday. He turned 18 last Sunday. This changes things legally, but I'm unclear on the specifics.

Sproing has been trying a little harder this week to find work. I think he wants to do the right thing, but sometimes... I don't know. Maybe I'm a bad influence on him. It isn't the same, me not working versus him not working, but he doesn't see it like that. But I feel guilt and other vague negative emotions about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are other things you probably want to know, or that I want to tell you, but this post is plenty long enough already, and I have pushed myself into a funk and don't have the gumption to write any more. That's "any more" not "anymore". There is a difference. These things become inordinately important to me when I have lost control of other parts of my life. Another example: there may be other things to say, and maybe I'll write another post soon. "May be" and "maybe", two different things.

What really matters?

Java, filter set to "random"

This must be the trick to actually writing a blog post, rather than just thinking about what you'll say in a blog post: when first you connect to the interwebs, do not open ANY other windows. Just the blogger "new post" window. That's all. Whatever you do, don't open email or facebork or Pinterest.

OMG Pinterest. It's a deep winding rabbit hole.

Why does habit have one "b" when rabbit has two?

So I went to the grocery store this morning. Well, it seemed like morning to me, but I didn't get my lazy ass out of bed until 11:00 so there you go. There's a new Mal-Wart on our side of town. I may have mentioned it before, I don't know. It's closer, and cleaner. Being new and all.

And guess who I ran into at Mal-Wart!? Mrs. Betty B! I haven't seen her in a few years, not since we stopped going to church about nine years ago. She said we should come visit the church, and I asked "Even if I'm apostate?" She smiled at me and said "Oh heavens! Why would you say that?" I just smiled. I saw her property on the map the other day and thought of her, wondered if she was even still alive. She's been old as long as I've known her (20 years, approximately) but she's still going strong, living independently, going to church. She's a sweet thing. I told her honestly that I love her.

I've been somewhat reclusive recently. If I have to go out for an appointment or something, I go. And while I'm out I might run another errand or two. Otherwise I stay home. This morning I got dressed and since I was dressed anyway I went to the store. We were out of bread. And sour cream. And, evidently, Little Debbie Nutty Bars, because they followed me home.

And Cheerios. I got the store brand of oat loops or whatever they're called from Aldi recently. They don't taste like real Cheerios. I've gotten the honey nut cereal, and the Aldi brand is OK, but has lots of sugar and I'm trying to cut back. (Pay no attention to the Nutty Bars behind the curtain.) So there I was in the cereal aisle (my but that's an odd word) looking for genuine General Mills Cheerios like Grandma used to make serve. Used to be you could walk down the cereal aisle and causally pick up the yellow box that says "Cheerios". Now there are at least half a dozen (I didn't count) different kinds of Cheerios. Even chocolate ones! Now I love chocolate, as you should know by now, but chocolate Cheerios seems mighty close to an abomination to me. Multi-grain are pretty good, actually, and of course there's the honey nut. I can't remember what other flavors I saw. Not counting the store brand and other brand oat Os. Goodness. Thankfully the original plain Cheerios still come in the familiar yellow box.

Mrs. Betty B asked after the family, of course. " So-and-so asked after ______" is a common southernism. Do y'all say it that way up North? Yes, we're doing well. Superman still works where he has since we moved here, Light is in Pennsylvania finishing her graduate degree. Twitch is at the local Arby's. Diva moved to be with her birth mother, which is a good thing (I hasten to tell her). Poor ol' Sproing has made some poor decisions and is awaiting trail at the county jail. Oh, poor Mrs. Betty B got so concerned. I hated to worry her so. Though she didn't say so, I'm pretty sure she'll pray for us. She's a sweet old thing, and I'm happy to have run into her.

Last weekend we visited the in-laws. It didn't even hurt too much. Actually, I behaved myself admirably. Everyone had other things to talk about and I'm good at the "smile and nod" thing. I can even ask pertinent questions sometimes. At one point the mil scolded Superman and gave him advice about Twitch. That was uncomfortable for both of us (probably not mil, though). I knat a little bit, starting a slouch hat/beanie thing. We saw the nieces, too. They are charming. The youngest one (in her first year of college) has potential to be a very interesting person. With her mother sitting beside her and in the presence of the grands, we were restricted to "polite" conversation.

I'll tell you something funny. My sister-in-law... well, she's a nice lady with many fine qualities. Very morally upright. She came in the house when I was in the back somewhere. She stood by the kitchen table, and when I came up the hall I saw her there, in high heeled boots (modest, mind you) and her hair all big like usual, makeup in top order. She's lost some weight so her midsection is nicely proportioned. She still has a considerable bust, which her fashionable clothing accentuated. With my glasses still on order I wore my contacts, which I'm not as accustomed to. My sil looked for all the world like a drag queen standing there in the kitchen. Oh but it was hard not to laugh! And of course I couldn't say anything about it, not in that company.

As I said, I've been reclusive recently. That means I've been in my room most of the time, reading books or being sucked down the interweb tube. Oh, and watching a little bit of the baseball playoff games. I am happy the Cubs won the National League Central Division title. Other than that, not much.

I watched the movie Boulevard, starring Robin Williams. I didn't know before I watched it, but it is an LGBT themed story. Bit of a tragic story, very well done. A serious role for Mr. Williams. He did those well. I mourn his passing. I just rented Night at the Museum - Secret of the Tomb, mainly to see him again.

And that's all I know.

Rolling Along

So I saw my doctor last week. She's leaving us!! This is the PA who came in when our long time family physician retired. I'm despondent. Anyway, she came into the exam room and noticed immediately that I look better, as in less stressed and stuff. So yeah, having those two young people out of my house is a good thing. But we knew that.

Last week I also saw my cancer doctor, the gynecological oncologist. He did a lab test thingie, the results of which I haven't heard yet, but the physical exam looked real good, he said. So onward and upward, or something.

Oh, there was this hurricane thing that happened out in the Atlantic east of here. South Carolina is all in the news about terrible flooding, the worst in 1000 years or something. Well, I'm fine. The yard is pretty sodden, the dog comes in from the back yard with mud on his paws. Otherwise, it's all good. That cannot be said about much of the state; check the news sources for details. The Java household is relatively unscathed.

Superman went with me to see the cancer doctor, because he's all concerned and stuff. We stopped for lunch at Panera, a treat because we have no such goodness here in Greenwood. And on the way home we got a call from Diva's birth mother Janice. Diva had broken one of Janice's rules and they had an animated disagreement about it. Diva had a boy over to the house while Janice was at work. OK, for me, when Diva lived here, that was not something I'd fuss about. She's going to do it anyway and I don't want to argue over that. Just not worth it to me. But not Janice. Don't know for sure why she called us, but we got an earful. And Janice said this was Diva's second strike. One more blatant disobedience and she was out. Well, I told her that Diva needs to find somewhere up there to live, someone else to live with, because we aren't taking her back. HA! I felt so strong.

Diva was nonchalant about having the boy over, about breaking a strict rule. I think that made Janice as mad as anything else. Diva doesn't like the rule, so she ignores it. It doesn't apply to her. She is above the rules. That child is gonna get into some big trouble one of these days. I am SO GLAD she doesn't live here anymore! While we were on the phone with them, I felt my heart rate increase. Perhaps my blood pressure went up too, I don't know. But there was this "ugh" feeling in my chest just listening to her holler. She was screaming at Janice as Janice was talking to us. *shudder*

We got a letter in today's mail informing us of Sproing's preliminary hearing to be held the afternoon of 20 October. I don't know how long after the preliminary hearing he'll have his trial. I hope they keep him in jail past his birthday in January. I don't want to deal with him, either.

So Superman and I are planning to visit his parents this weekend. These people are my in-laws, bless their hearts. I can do a couple of hours at a time with them and be fine. We're spending two days there, though. My mother-in-law and I are so very different. (My Mama and I are very different, too, but in different ways.) I'm easily annoyed by the m-i-l. For instance, she asked Superman yesterday what time we'd be arriving on Friday. (He's taking the day off work, so we'll leave here Friday.) Well, gosh, I don't know what time we'll get there! I don't know what time we'll leave here. It depends on how the morning rolls. I'm not a big planner. She is. And if we give her an estimate, she will expect us to be there exactly then.

If she was the one making the trip, she'd be all packed up the night before, everything in the car, probably. She'd set the alarm clock to get up precisely at (whatever time she thinks appropriate). A quick breakfast would transpire, and they'd be out the door and on their way at precisely the time she planned. And she'd show up on our doorstep at precisely the time (give or take 5 minutes, no more for sure) she said she'd be here. And expect me to have a full meal (meat and three, dessert, etc.) ready to go on the table as soon as they pull up. And berate me if everything wasn't ready, even if I'd cut my thumb so bad it needed stitches whilst preparing said meal. (True story there) And I, being the ever patient loving daughter-in-law that I am (-rolls eyes-) would refrain from telling her that if she doesn't like what's here, there's a Burger King just around the corner and she can get the fuck out of my house. No, I did not say that, but I thought it. I took a deep breath and turned away from her. And I finally got dinner on the table maybe half an hour later (don't remember exactly; it was a good 20 years ago), still with my bleeding thumb wrapped in a rag. And I ate dinner with them with my thumb throbbing. Then I went to the doctor's office to have it stitched up.

I may have some lingering animosity about that event. I still have the scar on my thumb.

She really is a very nice lady.  A fine person, thoughtful and hard working. We just have different priorities, different perspectives on the world. And very different sociopolitical philosophies. My stars, there are so many things we can't discuss when we're visiting them. And I can't cuss, either. Thankfully there was this hurricane thing this past weekend, so that'll give us a safe topic to discuss. I will, however, most likely go to the Baptist Church on Sunday morning. That should be... fun. I like the singing. It only lasts an hour.

This afternoon I mentioned to Superman my qualms about the upcoming visit. He said "You have put up with Diva and Sproing for all these years. You can deal with anything." I appreciate his faith in me.

Once again, here I am

So much has happened, but my heart hasn't been into the writing of it. However, I want to stay in contact with this blog. And damn it all, as so often happens once I get to this point all my ideas flee my head.

I think I need a nap.

I took a nap. Some time passed between those last two sentences.

Diva is once again living with her birth mother in Spartanburg. Her bedroom here has been transformed. First of all, Cory did a spiritual cleansing (and physical cleaning) of the space.

Wait, who's Cory? you ask. I have previously referred to him a C. He's the young man who started my whole gay journey, the one who moved in with us at age 17 when he came out to his mom and she kicked him out of her home. He has lived here off and on for the last almost ten years. And oh yeah, he has moved back in as of the 31st of August. Just a week or so after Diva left, coincidentally.

So, Diva's room: it got cleaned and cleansed, then Superman and I painted it blue. It's never been blue before, not since we've lived here. It's been green, pink and purple, yellow and purple, but not blue. After the distructo-child lived there, poisoning it with her hatred, that room needed a big change. It looks damned good, if I do say so myself. Cory lives there now. Diva knows she no longer has a room here, which hopefully will encourage her to NOT COME BACK!!

Now, for Sproing. He's in jail. Big people jail, not kiddie jail. The first day of school for the kids here was the 17th of August. Sproing skipped school that day and, unbeknownst to me, went with a friend of his to the home of another acquaintance and burgled the house. They broke in through a window and stole not one but two Play Stations (PS4s, I think). Plus the peripherals like cords, controllers and a couple of games. That was a Monday. That Thursday a couple of detectives from the police department came by to ask if I knew anything. I had seen the things, not knowing from whence they came. So the detectives went to the school and "interviewed" Sproing. He was taken to the county detention center from there and I haven't seen him since. He's been charged with second degree burglary and grand larceny (>$2000 but < $10,000).  I requested that he be kept there rather than let out on bail. The judge set his bail at $30,000. So there he sits.

Actually he is supposed to be in court tomorrow on his charge of credit card fraud for stealing almost $900 from us. I'm not going to worry about it. If they need him there, they'll have to walk him across the street from the detention center to the court house. I'm not sure when he's to appear for the new burglary and larceny charges. I'm not the victim on record for those.

And here's the thing. For a long time I've had hope for that kid. He's relatively intelligent. Stupid as shit in the unwise sense, but smart otherwise. He also talks a good talk. He's been stringing me along all summer, promising to look for a job and making a show of it, but not really doing anything. He said all sorts of inspiring things about starting school and being on track, etc. He had a conference with his guidance counselor the second day of school. They made grand plans for him to graduate next January, just half a year behind schedule. He sounded good. But the day before that discussion he had seriously broken the law.

He betrayed me. Or I allowed myself to be hoodwinked and thus feel betrayed. Diva has been a hot mess for the longest time and I have little hope of her being a responsible citizen, but I thought Spoing had the stuff to deliver.

So I am D O N E with him. I'm angry and hurt. I spoke to him on the phone a couple of times the first week he was incarcerated. He wanted me to arrange a meeting with the judge to try to work something out so he could be out on bail. HA! I said No. He's been there three weeks as of today. Funny, it seems like longer. Hmph, probably feels like longer to him, too. GOOD!! Anyway, I wrote him a letter yesterday and sent $20 (in a Postal Money Order only) for his canteen account. I called the jail to ask how I could visit him, and the nice lady said I had to be on an approved visitor list; he has to add me, but he needs to know my name, birth date, phone number, and drivers license number. Yeah, he won't know that one. But I asked about sending him stamps and envelopes so he can write to me, but she said nope. I can send money and he can buy those supplies in the canteen. So I sent some money. Which he'll probably spend on chips and soda. Anyway, I'll call in a few days and see if I'm on his visitor list. I'm about ready to talk to him again, but have only recently reached this point. Superman isn't ready to talk to him yet.

If he ends up staying in jail until (or past) January 24th, he won't move back home. That's his 18th birthday, and after he's 18 we aren't legally obligated to providing a home for him. Since he confessed to his involvement with the burglary I guess he'll plead guilty unless he gets a public defender who convinces him otherwise. The stolen goods were retrieved from this house, though, where he said he'd hid them, so I don't think he has a defense. Anyway, if convicted I predict he'll spend at least 12 months in jail, maybe more. He's in the county jail now. After conviction, though, I don't know if he'll stay in the jail or go to prison. As I was recently informed, there's a difference.

I never thought I'd be having this discussion about one of my children. It turns my stomach.

So the house has been peaceful for a couple of weeks since Diva left. Twitch is here still, and Cory's here now. They are so much more calm than Diva and Sproing! My life has, for now anyway, eased somewhat. The stress level is much lower. I'm still in shock, or something like it. Don't think I'll relax until both of them turn 18. Diva hits the big "adult" on 4 December.

In the meantime I'm not sure what I'm doing. Working on Diva's room was helpful. Actually I got to go through all her stuff. She'd left everything at the home of a friend when she left for Spartanburg, and Superman retrieved it from there. We had it here for a few days before we were "able" to get it to her. I cleaned out a lot of junk. Seriously, empty shampoo and deodorant containers? I had Cory go through her shirts to get rid of what he thought was unsuitable. I wanted that done but wasn't quite able to do it myself. Now it's all NOT in my house. I went through Sproing's stuff too. He has significantly less than she did.

The next project is to make changes to his old room similar to what we did to hers. Not sure what color(s) to paint it. Diva's room is light smoky blue on three walls, slightly darker on the 4th wall. We might do something like that with the colors for Sproing's old room, or paint it one color. Do any of you have suggestions? I won't go with purple again, not that I don't (or didn't) like that color, but after Diva it has some negative associations for me. Also no red. I don't do red, not in large swaths like that.

I'm rambling. I want to comment on Jay's suicide, but I'm not sure what to say. It hurts. Hurts more this week than it did last week, for some reason. As I said to a couple of other bloggers, it's a tragic situation all around.

I've had trouble this week getting anything done. Tuesday was somewhat productive, but yesterday and today I haven't done jack. Can't seem to get myself out of bed. I finally showered at 5:15 yesterday evening. Haven't bathed today. I did get dressed, though. Yay me. I made a list Tuesday of things to do yesterday. And there it sits, waiting for me to do something. Maybe tomorrow.

And that's about all I have to say right now. Writing this blog post has been the most productive thing I've done today. I'm gonna call that a win.

A little diversion

This guy is part madman, part genius. Not sure what the percentages are, though.

I'm blogstipated

I don't post often enough so when I finally sit down to write, there's so much to say it gets too long and I forget some of what I wanted to say. And other problems, but I forgot them just now.

Last week Twitch was transferred back to the Greenwood store (Arby's) so we no longer have to make that long drive to Simpsonville. What a relief! I actually like the drive sometimes, but not when it's so hot, and not four times a day. So now I'm glad he didn't get an apartment there.

Diva is a hot mess, as usual. She got this internship thing at a hair salon, then never went. She's being her old crazy self again, and not being nice to me very often. I don't want to talk about it.

Let's see... Sproing. He's an ass. Hangs around the house most of the day with his friends, playing video games and talking shit. He tells me he has a lead on one job or another nearly every day, but nothing ever becomes of it. Yes, he's taking advantage of me. Again. Still.

Light's birthday is Friday. She'll be 26. She's been in my dreams recently, but as a small child. Sometimes she's under 2 years old, sometimes she's pre-teen. Sometimes my other children are in the dreams too. She was such a lovely child. I miss that.

Superman and I were in Target yesterday and saw some cute dresses for little girls. I like the idea of sweet little girls, ages approximately 3-7, but the reality can be gritty. I know from experience. Maybe I'm ready for grandparenthood. Thing is, none of my children is ready for parenthood, so let's just skip it for now.

Here's the segue to the next topic:

Sproing hangs out in the living room most of the day. Whenever I go through there I get a pang of melancholy or something in the middle of my chest. Melancholy doesn't really begin to describe it. It's sadder and more anxious than my concept of melancholy. Whatever, it isn't pretty. This ball of burning lead in my chest saps my motivation right out of me.

I've said before that I am a hoarder. I want to clear out a lot of this junk in my life, but there is a strong emotional component to this mess. I'm a mess. For months I've been staring at these shelves in my bedroom. Just those two over there, not that big bookshelf on that side of the room. No, not that one up there either. Let's for a moment ignore the one(s) behind me. Just these two little (OK, not so little) shelves on top of my two drawer filing cabinet. (Now I want to create a diversion by telling you how wonderful my filing cabinet is, but that's just an unhealthy coping strategy, so let's not go there.) So this morning, feeling like accomplishing something, I started on the first cubby. (The unit has four cubbies, two small and two large. And the top of the shelf. And all that crap in front of it.) I got everything except the really big unabridged dictionary cleaned out! I even threw some of it away! Go me! But OMG I'm now approaching a nervous anxiety attack. Walking through the living room made it worse. I'm hydrating, and I had a V-8, hoping vegetables will help my body deal. I can write coherent sentences (I think) so it could be worse. It could also be a lot better.

Papers from my college art classes were in that cubby. Some sketch books, some notes and communications from the class. I took those classes only about five years ago. It seems like a long time now. There was a note from my professor encouraging me to continue my art education because he sees a lot of promise/potential. All the gods have mercy upon me!! I want to! So much! I remember I cried when I first got that note from him, and I cried again when I read it today. I'm currently helpless, (well, probably not completely) hopelessly entangled in the trappings of my life, unable to exercise my creativity.

Actually, one of the things I want to do today is sew. I have a new dress completely cut out and ready to sew together. I've started sewing a shirt and want to get back to it. But do you know how close my sewing room/office is to the living room where the "chaps" are hanging? I can't go there. Gads, I feel so helpless and weak and stupid.

In other, lighter news, I broke a tooth over the weekend. For those of you keeping score at home, it's the bottom right, third tooth from the end. I have no wisdom teeth anymore, so don't count that. A piece of the tooth sheared off the side between the teeth. It's stuck between the teeth now, and shifts around when I chew on that side. Feels really strange. I broke it while eating cornbread. Soft, fluffy, oh so good cornbread. Or at least that's when I noticed it. I was also eating soup. Soup with nothing hard in it. I have no idea how it broke. I suspect there's a filling in that tooth and it popped off beside the filling. Thankfully it doesn't hurt. I have an appointment with my dentist tomorrow midday.

This is about all I have the emotional energy to write right now. Have a good July.

This is pretty

Contemporary Duvet Covers And Duvet Sets by Denver Furniture & Accessories DENY Designs

There is a lot to say, but I'm not going to go into all of it now.

Diva is doing well. She's working at the Voc Rehab training center and just got an internship at a hair salon.

Twitch is a manager trainee at Arby's, now working in Simpsonville, SC but still living at home. No car, no drivers license. Which means I'm still driving him an hour one way to work and back. Four hours a day in my non-air-conditioned truck. I'm getting a driver's tan - just the left arm and left side of my face. Reminds me of the old bus driving days. Twitch is supposed to be looking for housing close to work. He has a couple of contacts, but things are going slow.

Sproing is a pain in my ass. In my last post (a long time ago) I told you about him stealing Superman's debit card and going on a Wal-Mart spending spree. Since then we discovered he's been using one of Superman's credit cards to order things from Amazon. All tolled he's stolen about $900. Yes, we filed a complaint with law enforcement. He goes to trial (or whatever it is) on the 5th of August. Or perhaps he'll just go back to kiddie jail. We saw his DJJ probation officer last week. She gave him 20 hours of community service. She also said he's on her short list. If he steps out of line again she's sending him back before the family court judge who will likely put him back in kiddie jail for a while. We shall see.

Mostly, when not driving back and forth to Simpsonville, I have been binge watching back seasons of Criminal Minds on Netflix. Love Netflix!

The continuing saga

My Braves haven't been playing so well recently. I had to turn the game off in the seventh inning last night because it got too pathetic. It's the top of the first inning and their opponents (Cincinnati Reds tonight) just scored two runs. I know my boys can do better than this. But enough about baseball.

I had some COFFEE this Afternoon!! With CAFFEINE! WEEEEEEEEE!!!

Twitch has been transferred to the store in Simpsonville (Arby's). It's an hour away. He has no car, no drivers license. He's got the learners permit, and has been driving Superman's truck with me in the shotgun position. I actually enjoy the drive, or have come to feel that way about it this week. I like it better when I drive. He's not too bad at driving, but he's new and nervous, and I like being behind the wheel when I'm in the car, you know? Today we took my truck, which is a piece of shit with a manual transmission which Twitch doesn't know how to drive. I like my truck better. The thing is, it takes an hour one way to get to Simpsonville and uses a bunch of gas. I drive back home, only to go back to get him six to eight hours later. That's a LOT of gas. Which costs a lot of money. He's helping with the expense, but not as much as all of it. I'm trying to get him to save so he can secure housing in that area. I've spent four hours on the road every day this week. I have mixed feelings about this.

The poor guy (Twitch) had to work ten hours today. I got there an hour before he got off, not realizing he would work that late. It all worked out well, though, because I'm easy that way. I needed some new shoes anyway and hadn't yet found a chance to shop. There's a shoe store half a mile up the road from Twitch's shop, so I wandered up there and had my favorite kind of shoe shopping experience. This is a representation of what I bought.

(One beer down) I asked the nice sales associate lady for those old fashion ugly Crocs. She said they only had that style in mens, which is fine by me. She showed me what they had, three different colors/styles. The camo print was an easy elimination. The other shoe was brown with a leather (or leather look) patch on the top of the upper. It was $15 more than the black ones. Though they had the brown in a size 7 (my size in mens shoes) and the smallest size black was an 8. I tried them both on, and went with the 8. Crocs are supposed to be kinda loose anyway, right? And it has that strap thing on the back that helps keep the shoe on. So it's all good. I told the friendly sales lady that ugly and old fashioned was kinda my style. You know, I'm so fashion backward. So I got a pair of shoes I like for less than $35 and took less than ten minutes to complete the entire shoe shopping experience. Yeah, that's how I like to shop. I feel good! (The caffeine and beer help. 'Bout to start on my second beer, so watch out!) 

After the wonderful shoe shopping experience I stopped by Starbucks. I don't think I've been inside a Starbucks in at least two years. I got myself a short "tall" black coffee, then went back to the Arby's where I bought the last chocolate turnover. Man, those Arby's folks have the best turnovers, and the chocolate is extraordinary. Been wanting one of those for a while now. 

Oh, and in other news, the weight loss thing isn't going so well. For example, there's an IHOP beside the Arby's. Twitch has had to be at work at 8:00 every morning this week, but Arby's isn't open for breakfast. Leaving home before 7:00 hasn't given me the opportunity to eat before leaving. So twice this week I had the Bananas Foster Brioche French Toast at IHOP. Oh boy.

I mean look at that. Who could resist? Who knew warm bananas could taste so good? 

I recommend them if you aren't trying to control your BMI. So good! I got myself a bowl of cereal before leaving this morning, so was able to forego the cost and calories of that particular temptation today. Then I had a chocolate turnover this afternoon. In my defense (which isn't a good defense, by the way) I had a V-8 for lunch. *sigh*

Half way through the second beer. Feelin' good! I haven't been drinking much recently, like less than a beer a day. Maybe two or three beers a week. So two beers has a bigger impact. Oh, further along on that beer than I thought: just finished it. Weeee! And now I don't even care that the Braves are playing like shit. My tongue is going numb. Nice buzz.

Superman is on his way home from work. Yes, it's 8:40 on a Friday night. He's been working a lot of long hours recently. The plant just had a power surge and he lost the PowerPoint he'd been working on for over an hour, so he's chucking the whole thing and coming home. I suspect he'll have to spend a couple (or more) hours at work tomorrow.

What else? I suppose I could update the Sproing drama. Yesterday was hell. Did I mention in my last post that he'd been before the judge on the ... wait a minute. Let me check the last post and see if you are up to date with his latest criminal activity. (insert Jeopardy "wait" music)  Nope. That last post was written before his latest criminal activity. Last weekend he stole Superman's debit card, took it to Wal-Mart and spent approximately $150. When this breach of trust was discovered, we called the police. Because DAMN! We live in the city, Wal-Mart is in the county outside city limits. So to make life more difficult (because damn) the offense has been divided between city police and county sheriff's departments. The theft of the card is a police matter, the use of it is sheriff's domain. He's had his arraignment with the city. We're waiting on the sheriff's warrant, when we'll have to see a different judge because fuck my life. The municipal judge considered putting Sproing in jail, but released him on a personal recognizance bond of $5000, with restrictions. The judge, bless his heart, wrote his direct phone number on our copy of the paperwork.  If the boy gives me any grief I can call the judge and he'll revoke Sproing's bond, sending him to jail until his June 5th court date.

Well, yesterday Sproing was being an ass, at which he has a special gift. I asked him to fold and put away the load of towels in the dryer. Oh. My. God. You'd have thought I asked him to donate a kidney. After the judge had a serious talk with him about doing the right thing and respecting his Mama. And it got worse from there. I finally told him that I was done, and would call the judge tomorrow. (Which was today, for the record) He kinda freaked. (What the fuck. What does he expect?) Then he (Sproing) asked to talk to the sheriff's detective who questioned him about the charge, a guy who used to be the resource officer at the high school. Evidently Sproing feels comfortable with the man. So I called the sheriff's department (at 9:00 in the evening) and asked for the detective to call me. Which he did. I'm impressed. He talked to Sproing, calmed him down. After the conversation Sproing was way more copacetic. He apologized and everything. So I had pity on him and didn't call the judge today. So far today he's been calm, but I've hardly interacted with him at all. He got home from school right before I left to pick up Twitch. When I got back I went to the beer and baseball, and Sproing is doing his thing away from my presence. So far so good. Tomorrow is Saturday and we'll probably have more opportunity to interact. Oh please oh please oh please let it be peaceful!

Sproing got the warrant from the city, which is what sent us to the municipal judge. He hasn't yet gotten the warrant from the county, though. Once he does, we'll have to go to another judge to repeat the process. I don't know how that'll work out.

Oh, and of course all this shit violates his probation with Juvenile Justice. I talked to his probation officer. She said she'd wait to see what the city and county do with him before taking any action. She thinks it'll work itself out without her having to interfere. You see, since he's 17 years old now, he's treated as an adult when he fucks up like this. DJJ is a secondary concern. Damn, I hate this. Sproing can be such a nifty guy. But he can also be a pain in the ass. As you have probably realized by now.

HA!! Braves won!! Finally. Maybe this portends good fortune for this weekend. In my life, not just for the Atlanta Braves. That'd be nice.

Today I've been in a good mood. Last night I felt like wringing Sproing's neck. Today I spent pretty much all day without Sproing, and got to drive my truck, which always makes me happy. I had a lovely almost three hour nap this morning when I got back from Simpsonville, finished my sappy gay romance novel, had a good shoe shopping experience, drank CAFFEINATED COFFee and ate chocolate yummies. And now the Braves have just won their game (yay, about damn time boys) and I've now had three beers. The buzz is strong in this one. Time to end this post, take a shower (because I'm kinda ripe) and kiss all over my husband who has finally gotten home from work. If there was anything else I meant to say in this post, well, it won't happen.

Until next time

Ten days after Sproing returns, plus other places my brain goes

Yeah, sorry it took so long to update the whole Sproing returns thing. It's been a busy week and a half.

Things are not, unfortunately, very different from before he left. We've had a few good days in a row here, but the first week was hell. He's arguing about almost everything. I try to have a discussion, a conversation, and he thinks I'm attacking him and responds accordingly. Yelling ensues. He has a problem with authority.

I took him to get his driver's license this week. That helped. Before he left he had a traffic ticket that he didn't pay. While he was in jail he got (delivered here, of course) a letter from the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) saying that he had to pay the ticket ($100) before stated date or turn over his license to the DMV. Of course he didn't pay it, being as he was in jail. And I sure as hell didn't pay it. Actually, I took his license to the DMV and turned it in. So Sproing had to pay the $100 ticket, then had to pay a $100 fee to get his license reinstated (or something like that) PLUS a $25 fee for the actual physical license. I helped him a little bit with those second fees, but not much. The $25 was a surprise to both of us.

Anyway, since getting his license he's been generally satisfied with life. Superman allows him to drive the truck. Sproing has so far been pretty good about keeping gas in the truck.

OK, here's another concern I have. Where is he getting this money? I asked. He said one of his friends has been giving him money for gas, but I have doubts about his story. If I press him for more details, I suspect he will go all ape-wild mad again. Perhaps I'll suggest to Superman that he question the boy.

In other news, Twitch is doing very well at Arby's. It isn't the job he wants, but it is the job he has and he's doing it well. The good news is that he's been promoted to manager. The bad news is he's being transferred to a store an hour away. That's actually good news in the long run, but problematic for the immediate. The idiot hasn't been saving money like he should have so he doesn't have enough money to move. And he doesn't have a car. He doesn't even have a driver's license. So far he's been able to hitch rides with coworkers. Next week there are two days when he has no ride to work. This is not cool. Mama doesn't like it. Mama doesn't want to drive two hours round trip twice a day. NOT the hip gig.

I got Sproing enrolled in school finally. He starts Monday. He's been assigned to the alternative school, but he's come in at an inopportune time. Standardized testing for his grade starts Tuesday, and he has to take the tests at the zoned school, his regular high school. He doesn't have any assigned classes there. He goes in Monday at 10:00 for about 1.5 hours for some kind of pre-testing thingie, then Tuesday and Wednesday he'll be there at 9:00 for a few hours. Possibly all day, I'm not sure. Getting him to and from school is going to interfere with Twitch's transportation needs, not to mention that I have to get Diva to and from her Adult Ed program from 8:30 to 11:30. And I can't just leave Sproing at the high school since he doesn't have any classes there. If the testing last long enough on Tuesday and Wednesday he can take the bus home. I hope that works.

Fortunately Sproing and Diva will be going to the same location once he's at the alternative school. Oh, they call that program "Refocus Academy." Doncha' love it? Anyhoo, the GED classes, though not affiliated with the school district, are held at the same campus as the alternative public school programs. They'll both start school at 8:30, then Diva leaves at 11:30. Sproing stays until 2:something. Maybe 2:30, I don't rightly recall.

In the intervening weeks since my last significant post, baseball season started. YAY!! My Braves have won some and lost some. Right now we're in the bottom of the 9th in Philadelphia (hi Denise) and we're up 5-2. We've lost our last five, maybe six games, so a win here will be especially nice. And we won! Lest you feel too bad for the Phillies, they won last night. We play the Phillies again tomorrow afternoon. I don't know who wins that game yet, you know, time being what it is.

I don't know. Perhaps my brain is finished with this post. There are other things I have thought about writing recently whilst doing something else, but I get here and they flee my mind.

Here's something. I've been fascinated with New Zealand. It's going on winter there. I have Dunedin, NZ programmed into my phone's weather app so I can trace winter's progress. I'm sad that our summer is approaching, as the heat really gets to me. And why New Zealand, you ask? Because of Anyta Sunday. She writes gay romance stories, and I read a lot of gay romance stories. I read other things, too, but I read a lot of gay romance. She is from New Zealand and a lot of her stories are set there. Why Dunedin, NZ you ask? That's the location of University of Otago, the setting of one of the stories I read recently. So, New Zealand. I'd like to go. Perhaps I'd like to study at the UofO. I like going to school. I'm not fond of some of the shit going on in my life here, and I'm not in school right now. I could run away to New Zealand and study at University of Otago. It's a fun thing to think about when I'm lying in bed not going to sleep at 3am.

Also, insomnia. But I don't want to talk about that right now.

Here's a video I just watched. I like this guy's educational videos.

The Return of Sproing

Good grief. I knew it had been a while since I posted, but over a month? I had no idea.

I am currently waiting to hear from Sproing. He is being sprung from kiddie jail today. Juvenile justice dept is transporting him to the county courthouse today, and he should be arriving any time now.

I'll check in later to let you know how everything pans out.