Brief Diva Update

I hope it's brief. You know me and brief. Parsimony isn't my greatest gift, especially where words are concerned.

So, Diva is indeed back. She was kicked out of the friend's house for bring to much drama into the home, and for lying about what we did. She went back there today, uninvited (she was supposed to stay away from their home all weekend as no one was going to be there to care for her in the evenings). She told the mother that I had kicked her out. That isn't the whole truth. I refused to treat her like a queen, to give her whatever she desires, so she stormed out. Honestly, I can't remember the exact details of that particular argument, and it happened roughly 12 hours ago. My brain sometimes forgets things it doesn't like.

So the child has had to return to this home which she doesn't consider her home. She fussed a bit, I ignored her and took a nap, and when I woke up she was behaving reasonably. She was also headed for bed. I'm here now, online and awake, sitting in my living room at 3 a.m. just in case. She's asleep now, and will probably sleep until 10:00 if we don't wake her up first. But as mad as she was this afternoon, I wouldn't put it past her to get up while everyone else is sleeping and do something she shouldn't. Like seek revenge against us, her parents, who are so totally unreasonable because we don't let her do whatever she wants to do.

The child ain't right in the head.

Hopefully on Monday she will be able to move to a girls' school/group home we've applied to. Don't know now, won't know until Monday. She needs to get out of here soon. She wants to, we want her to.

She's ba-a-a-a-ack

Of course I'm referring to Diva.
It's only for one night, so she says. She's staying with a friend, and the friend's mom and boyfriend want some "alone time" tonight. I totally understand that. So the friend is at grandma and grandpa's place and the only other place Diva can go is back here. But I am super pissed about it. More than pissed, I am angry. (There is a difference. After a couple of beers I can't tell you exactly what it is, though.)

So Tuesday of last week she declares that she is finished with us and runs off to her friend's house. She's been telling us for years (and I mean literally years) that she does not belong in our family. She started that shit when she was in kindergarten. More recently she says she hates us, hates the whole family, does not want anything to do with us. So, now that she's been with this other family for just over a week, she wants to waltz in here like the Queen of Sheba and assume all of the rights and privileges of being a member of the Java family. Like hell, bitch.

And really, she's been depending on us since she left. The family she's staying with is very poor. Not too bright, either, and I suspect not strongly motivated to do responsible things like get a job. I've met the mother, talked to her a bit, and she seems nice and all. But let's just say she and I don't have a lot in common. So we (and by "we" I mean mostly Superman) have been helping them out with groceries and such. But I'm in support of helping them support Diva. For one thing, it keeps Diva away from here.

Now that she's been gone for a bit over a week I have gotten very comfortable with her absence. And the threat of her presence unsettles me. A lot.

Superman took her to the skating rink this evening, which I thought was a bad idea. Bitch thinks she can resume normal operating procedures. But, Superman had promised to take Sproing to the movies which means dad's not here when she is. Bad idea. She and I... we don't do well together. As angry as I am about the whole mess, it's better for us not to be in the house together without Superman's Super-vision. ;-)

Don't remember if I mentioned it in the last post (I think I did) but it's come to the point that we are seriously considering terminating parental rights with her. "Un-adopting" her, as it were. I don't want to need to do it, but it is what it is. It's come to this. And her being here tonight after rejecting us like she did (and all the other shit she's done to ruin the family relationship - see 5+ years of blog archives) reinforces for me that yes, it's time.

I talked to our family doctor about all this earlier this week. Went to see him because I've irritated the tendons in my left arm again. Tennis elbow or something. Or maybe golfer's elbow. Depends on which set of muscles/tendons is inflamed. Anyway, (I ramble when I'm tired or drunk. Kinda both right now.) I was in the office about that and told him what's going on with Diva. Told him we're considering the termination of parental rights. He jumped on that fast. Essentially said "Well, it's about time!!" No, he was more politic than that. He's good at being nice. He was encouraging. Said we have gone above and beyond to help her, and severing the relationship is a good idea. He knows me pretty well. He's been our family doctor for going on 18 years now. He said "You need to not feel guilty about this." Yep, that's my chief hang-up with this decision. Tonight, though, I am oh so ready to drop her like a hot potato.

Third beer is out of the bottle and into my system. Not thinking or writing very clearly. Gonna go do something else. So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Diva update, and Java's thoughts on the matter

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot. 
-Charlie Chaplin, actor, director, and composer (1889-1977) 

To answer the pressing question I left you with earlier this week: I did not lie down and go to sleep like I was supposed to after posting. I played a little bit of solitaire, then chatted with Victor for a while. Yeah, I was up for another two hours. I got to sleep at around 10:30 last night, though, and was up by 6:00 today. I'll probably nap later this morning, as I need to stay up late tonight. Maybe I'll post later about what I hope will be an enjoyable evening in Spartanburg tonight.

A lot has happened this week. It was just two days ago... well, actually three, since I wrote about Diva's batshittery from Monday. The post officially went up on Tuesday, but it was like 0-dark hundred and I wrote most of it late Monday night.

Oh dear, I'm rambling again.

So I need to discuss Diva's Tuesday batshittery. She had a 10:30 appointment with the nurse at the mental health center, so I woke her up around 8 -8:30. She got up, took her meds (I think? Don't actually remember that) but did not get dressed. I was in my room on the computer (as usual). She came in still in her night clothes half an hour before time to go. I asked if she was going to take a shower. No. I shrugged: whatever. I'm not going to argue with her about that. In the grand scheme of how messed up she is, poor hygiene is not high on the list of shit to address. I told her to get dressed. That is more important when going out in public. "I don't want to." And she stood beside me, hovering. She does that. She'll come up and stand beside me or in front of me and just be. She doesn't necessarily stare. If anything she stares into space, rather emotionless. Maybe I give her too much power over me, but when she does that it feels like she is dark matter, the vacuum of emptiness sucking life points away from me. Creeps me out.

Damn, there is a lot of emotion locked into this story. I have just moved from my office into my bedroom because I can't write this there. Not sure why. Maybe I need the comfort of my bed rather than the more down-to-business atmosphere of my office. I also have opened a window so I can hear the rain and feel the damp coolness, as it seems to calm me somewhat.

Diva asked me to call the hair salon to make an appointment to get her hair done. I said that after she got dressed I'd call. She rolled her eyes, went to her room and got dressed. I called, got an appointment for a Wednesday afternoon hair do. Her mood/attitude was reluctantly cooperative.

We drove to the mental health clinic. She was quiet. In the waiting room she still had that flat affect thing going on. (A note about flat or blunted affect: after reading the first paragraph of the linked Wikipedia article, I want to explain Diva's emotions a bit more. When provoked, and she's very easy to provoke, her emotional expression is more than would be expected in the situation. What she was doing Tuesday morning was more like simmering. Angry, probably very angry, but expressing almost nothing. I know when she's like that she could erupt to any stimulus and in any way, from a disgusted "humph" to a verbally and/or physically violent outburst.) I'm shaking a bit. This is going to be a long post. I need to get this shit out and my therapist is out of town this week, so here it is for all the internet to suffer/enjoy.

We went back to the nurse's office where Diva was weighed and cuffed (blood pressure cuff, y'all). The nurse asked about her meds, whether she was taking them, how they're working. Well, yeah, there's a story about that. She dumped all her meds for a whole week down the toilet last night. At this, I could see/feel Diva get even angrier. She didn't say anything. Actually, she had been talking a little bit to the nurse, but after I "tattled on her" she shut down completely.

The nurse recommended that Diva see the doctor sooner than her next scheduled appointment, so I made a new appointment at the front desk and gave Diva the reminder card. Then I took advantage of the bathroom facilities and Diva went to the truck. When I got out there I saw the shredded bits of the reminder card on the ground beside the passenger door. I opened her door, told her to pick up the trash she left there. I was calm. When I went around to the driver's side, she got out and picked up the litter, then threw it on the floorboard of the truck. What the fuck ever, bitch, lets just go. I had told her before we left home that I would take her to get her nails fixed after seeing the nurse. (I took her to a nail salon for her birthday last month where she got "a full set" I or something like that. Tips, color, etc.) Well, by now I'm finished with nice. "You can't expect to enjoy privileges like getting your nails done when you act like this and treat me like this." I also said "I know you're mad that I told the nurse about you flushing the pills. I don't tell just anybody these things about your behavior [I lied. I'm telling the whole internet now.] but the nurse is a part of your treatment team and she needs to know these things." So we went home, still a simmering darkness coming from the passenger side of the truck.

Once home, she went into the house and I stayed in my truck. I like my truck. It is my happy place (one of them, anyway). I needed to make some calls, specifically ones about getting Diva into a different living arrangement. I placed a call to the service coordinator but got her voice mail. Not five minutes later the service coordinator, Kim, pulled into my driveway! Cool! She was here to meet with the behavior modification worker who spends time with Diva. We stood in the driveway and talked for a few minutes, then the behavior mod gal showed up and Diva came out of the house. I had been telling Kim some of Diva's recent shenanigans. We briefly caught Ms. Behavior Mod up with what we were doing as Diva approached. Of course, hearing the conversation, Diva got super pissed. She told Kim that she wants a new family. Kim asked if that meant being in Dept.of Social Services (DSS) custody and in a  foster home, and Diva said Yes! So your parents would officially no longer be your parents? YES! says Diva. I looked at Kim and told her that yeah, I'm about there too. I'm ready for that because we can't do anything with her. God and the internet know we've tried.

There was some more discussion about Diva leaving. The professionals told her that she'd probably have to go to a group home because most foster families take younger kids, not teenagers. Whatever, whatever, whatever, let's do this thing. Diva doesn't care about ANYTHING besides getting away from us.

Diva told Kim her version of the events of Monday evening. It was interesting hearing her side of the story. It differs significantly from the story I told you here. And Diva was ready to leave us immediately. Which is where this story takes a turn. She called her friend Shi to ask if she could stay with them. Talked to Shi's mom, who said it was OK with her as long as Diva understands she has to follow rules over there, too. So Diva started packing. And told us (Kim, Ms. Behavior Mod, and me) that she was moving in with Shi. Um, OK? So I called Shi's mom. Yes, she can stay there... at least for a while. Neither of us know how long "a while" is.

As stated in previous posts, I don't particularly trust Shi's mom. She isn't the best influence. Granted, and as I've said, I don't know her very well. Diva has been my source of most information I have about Shi's mom. And we all know how unreliable that child is.

So Diva packed up a bunch of stuff and we all went over there to meet with Shi's mom. Having a discussion with her in person was enlightening. Turns out Shi hasn't dropped out of school. She attends middle school since she didn't finish the 8th grade last year. I am less uncomfortable about Diva staying there than I was before talking to her. I need to tell Diva she was right. She accused me, accurately, of prejudging Shi's mom. Note I said "less uncomfortable." But where I am right now vis-a-vis Diva staying here, well, that's great.

So Diva isn't here. And Kim is working on getting her placed in a family-style group home for girls in the northwest corner of the state. I just looked up the place on Google Maps. It's 2 hours from here, close to (if not in) the mountains. Looks like a lovely setting from the satellite picture. Kim emailed the application paperwork this morning. I have some work to do getting all the requested information together.

I had some trouble on Tuesday letting Diva go to Shi's place. Mixed feelings, you know? Feeling like I've failed. We've tried so hard for so long to parent this very difficult child. I'm relieved she's gone, but sad because it seems to be necessary. This is the second morning I've awoken with her not here. I like it. I'm glad she's gone, but I'm afraid it isn't permanent. I'm afraid she'll come back.

I want to take over her room. We need the extra space, what with Twitch back home again. I'm having to empty out my office so Twitch can move in there. I would love to take over Diva's room as my new office space. That might be a slightly bigger room than the current office. It needs to be painted, though, since Diva has messed up the walls terribly. Did I show you these?

 She has damaged the door to her room so that the door frame is falling apart. She slams the door a lot. She's very strong.

One day when she was angry at me (I don't even remember what the fight was about) she got craft paint and wrote on the back of her door and in her closet (see below) and stamped black and gray hand prints all over every wall in her room.

Yeah, that message in the last photo is especially for me. I'm impressed she spelled "bitch" correctly. She has since put a hole in the wall to the left of her door. You can see in the third photo the wall only blemished by paint, not yet with the huge dent. Something square and heavy impacted the wall. It looks like the corner of a box of some kind broke through the wall board. That's gonna be a bitch to fix.

Superman is going to be home soon so we can fill out the paperwork for this girls home. Kim says Diva will have to come home every other weekend. I don't know about that. I don't want her back, not overnight anyway. And it will cost money. Don't know how much, and Diva is eligible for SSI disability payments. She doesn't get anything now because Superman makes too much money for our family to qualify. But if she's living in a group home they will be able to get her disability payments. Hopefully that amount (I don't know how much it will be) will fulfill the financial obligation for her stay.

I'll be back with more news eventually, probably soon.

TMI Thursday

A weekly meme originally (as far as I know) from Just a Jeep Guy  and copied directly from Cubby at Patently Queer

WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN…

…you are sick with the flu? Medicine with sleep inducing ingredients. It's been a while since I had the flu. It's miserable. My hair hurts and I ache all over. When I have the flu I drink lots of Gatorade and sleep as much as possible. Does it make me feel better? I dunno. Getting over the flu is the only thing that makes me feel better. 

…you are in a bad mood? Um, sleep? Yeah, I tend to hide from discomfort by sleeping. Griping also helps. That, or it nurtures the bad mood and that's just how I react. I don't usually stay in a bad mood very long, anyway. 

…you are alone? HA! Being alone makes me feel better. #Introvert

…you are sad? Pictures of cats on the internet. Conversations (email and chat, mostly) with caring friends I've met through my blogging activities. 

…you are mad? Time. These counselor types keep trying to get me to use better coping skills to deal with being mad. Sometimes I feel better if I express my anger right here on my blog. The exercise of collecting my thoughts to clearly express why I'm angry can help calm me down. And I usually don't stay mad for very long anyway. 

…you are frustrated? A good scream can do wonders. Distracting myself with, for instance, pictures of cute or funny cats on the internet (see above) also helps. .

…you are angry? What's the difference between being mad and being angry? Unless "mad" means I've gone insane. In which case, refer to the ...you are mad? answer above for this question. Which means I need an answer to what makes me feel better when I am mad if mad = insane. Drugs. Psychotropic drugs prescribed by a competent psychiatrist. I have also had some success with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) when I can take it seriously and not roll my eyes at how contrived it is. Sometimes my brain gets in the way of real help. 

Bonus Question

…you are horny? Sex, of course, either with myself or preferably with my Superman. 

Same $h!t, different day

I use this space to journal my experiences* with my crazy children. To keep a log, so to speak, of what and when, etc. But not why. I've determined that more often than not there is no "why."

Today it's Diva. She wants to have the privileges of a normal child, but. But she's batshit crazy; but she has demonstrated repeatedly that she isn't mature enough to handle the responsibility; but she can't be trusted to control her behavior especially when she feels threatened. And she is super-sensitive and easy to provoke by the vaguest hint of a slight. That child can get insulted by the littlest nothings. And things get out of hand very quickly.

Today the local sheriff's department was involved. The kids had a half day at school today, the last day of the first semester. She got home just after 1:00 this afternoon and shortly thereafter Twitch and I left for the grocery store. When we got back (Aldi is a great place to get lots of stuff for relatively little money) Diva was not home. Sproing told me she had packed her book bag with clothes and left. She only ever goes to her friend Shi's house.


A bit of background: The dear child wants to be able to spend the night at a friend's house. There are many reasons this is a bad idea. Refer to the paragraph above with all the "buts" for a few examples. In addition she still, at 15 years old, wets the bed. Of course it's Shi she wants to sleep over with. Shi's mom has allowed her daughter to drop out of school even before Shi was legally old enough to do so. Shi's mother lets her do pretty much anything she wants. Shi's mother got kicked out of public housing. I don't know why, but I imagine she did something really stupid. The mother is currently unemployed again. Diva said she lost her most recent job working in a convenience store because she took money from the cash register. Diva also joined a conversation Superman and I were having with Twitch about the taste of various hard liquors with information about the kind she likes. (She isn't very bright. If I didn't want my parents to know I had been drinking, I would NOT join such a conversation!) I asked her in a very nonthreatening way how she knows this stuff. Oh, she tasted it when she was with Shi and her mom. Shi's mom does not have much money, what with being unemployed and not living in subsidized housing, so Diva likes to give them money. She has bought food for them. Just yesterday Shi's mom drove over here and Diva got out our gas can (with the fuel for the lawn mower, you know) and began filling the tank with our gas. Diva also asks her daddy to help out Shi's family with monetary donations. Superman declines. Shi's mom actually asks Diva for money. As I explained to the child, that sort of behavior from an adult is wrong. She's taking advantage of you, dear. Diva gives them her allowance money. I wouldn't be surprised if she began stealing money from us to give to them. (Note to self: keep our bedroom door locked when our wallets are in there and we are not.)

Diva asked daddy over the weekend about spending the night with Shi. First of all, the deal Superman made with Diva was that if she was "good" for four weeks, he would consider allowing a friend to sleep over here. Diva, as is her want, contorted that information into something more personally palatable: she sleeps over there. No. Also, with her recent bout of insanity (see link above)(not the Aldi one) she has demonstrated that she's not ready to handle that responsibility.

So when I learned that she'd packed her clothes and left, I knew she'd gone to Shi's. When Superman called this afternoon to say he was on his way home from work, I told him about Diva and asked if he would stop by (their place is between his work and home) and get her. Which he did. She got in the truck to come home but left her stuff there. On the way home he explained to her that no, she may not spend the night with Shi. With that information, Diva opened the door of the truck and ran away. While the truck was moving, albeit slowly. He was doing that California stop thing at a stop sign. So he came on home to tell me about it, then went back to get her. As he drove into Shi's yard Diva was just entering the house. (This "house" I refer to is the sorriest looking little old mobile home behind a bar and across the street from a veterinary hospital.) So he went up to the door and knocked. No one answered, and the door was locked. Superman called Diva's phone: no answer. Sent her a text: no answer. So he called the guy who's doing family therapy with us now. The guy told Superman to call 911, so he did. Here's where the sheriff's department comes in.

Superman also called to tell me what was going on. I assumed that Shi's mom was also in the house, complicit with not answering the door. I was wrong. As things were wrapping up with the deputy, Shi's mom and her boyfriend came walking up the road. They'd been on a walk. I am thankful that at least the mom wasn't in on this one. Wouldn't put it past her with what else I know about her, but whatever. Full disclosure: I have had very few interactions with the woman. Superman is the one who usually handles Diva and her visits with Shi. Most of what I know about her I've gotten second-hand.

When the deputy arrived on the scene Diva came out of the house. She's at least smart enough to do that. Maybe all her experience with law enforcement officers has taught her a little bit. According to Superman, the deputy gave her a good, loud dressing-down. Talking-to. Come-to-Jeesus meeting. I don't have details. There were no charges filed, but of course the officer will make a report. And Diva came home with her dad.

One of the reasons I didn't get details is that when Superman came back to the bedroom where I've been ensconced on my laptop, Diva followed. I heard her come in the room, go into our bathroom (my back is to the door when I'm sitting in bed), and heard the sound of pills clicking together. "Go check what she's doing" I said to Superman. He didn't need to, since before he could move she came to the bed and told us she had flushed a week's worth of all her medications down the toilet. I just this morning filled her weekly pill organizer so there were a full seven days of pills in there. She takes four in the morning and three at night. One of her psych meds in particular is very, very expensive. Some of the others are quite pricey, and a few are dirt cheap. We estimate she dumped well over $100 in the toilet. And I told her it is that kind of behavior that proves you are not mature or responsible enough to have those privileges you so desire.

She stood in here and argued with us for a long time. She made accusations against us, we countered with facts refuting her claims. We never let her do anything or go anywhere. Why, darling, just last Friday - a mere three days ago - you got to go skating with a friend. Oh, but they didn't go skating. The friend picked her up but they didn't go to the "skating ring." This is news to me, and indicates if she wants to go skating one of us will need to take her. I am not OK with her driving around all evening with random friends I don't know. She has a habit of picking friends who are poor role models. I didn't say any of that to her, but "treasured these things in my heart." I asked her where they'd gone instead, and she said "just driving around" which I don't believe for a minute. And so forth. She demanded that we place her in a "fosser" home. Well, I asked one of her psycho-social service coordinators about that last week, and it apparently isn't an option, at least not through that agency. I've also applied for her to go to various children's homes in the state. Her applications have been rejected because she's too fucking crazy. I actually told her that, too, though I might have left out the obscenity. This is a sample of the 45 minutes or so of argument. After that Superman told her to go to bed because he'd had all the insanity he could stand from her for the night.

A couple of hours later I took her evening meds in to her. She was sound asleep. (I'm not sure what we're going to do about the missing week of meds. The insurance company isn't keen on giving us extra meds.) She sat up and took the medicine, no argument. Before going to bed she had written on our white board in the kitchen something like "I won't be here no more. Sorry" which Sproing said means that she's going to run away. I erased it. When giving her the meds I reminded her that she has an appointment with the nurse at the department of mental health in the morning. Oh yeah, she said, at 10:30. Good grief.

This is long enough (or too long) for one post, and covers the events and some background of this evening's adventures. I'm sure there's more craziness I could document from the intervening week since I last posted about her (yes, it was only a week ago that she set fire to a pile of trash in her bedroom). But I won't. Not tonight. Superman went to sleep half an hour ago and told me not to stay up too late. So I'll post this now. But will I then shut down the 'puter, spend another hour or so on facebork, or play solitaire for a long time? Stay tuned for the answer to this pressing question.

*somehow originally mis-typed the beginning of this word as "sex"

A moment for thought

Recently I've been chatting with a new blog buddy, Victor. (Look Victor! I figured out how to link to your profile!) We had a long chat last night about deep subjects. I thought! I thought about something besides the stress with my children. It was glorious! And I realize this morning (OK, it's afternoon. Work with me here.) that I almost never have time or energy to contemplate. Victor and I discussed, among other things, my adventures of last summer in West Virginia: the few days I spent alone in the rustic cabin at Babcock State Park, then wrecking the car, and the wonderful time Superman and I had together when he came to rescue me. That week means a lot to me. I had peace. I had space in my day and in my head to relax, to think about the whichness of why. If you don't know by now, I really like contemplating the whichness of why. Thinking is one of my favorite activities. Oh, and Victor compels me to think. He asks good questions, too.

So this morning I had motivation to get up and do some things around the house that I want and need to do. We're trying to clean up, clear up, eliminate the unnecessary stuff in our home. And by extension, I guess, in our lives. I say "we" because it's a joint effort, but really it's all about me. (Isn't it always?)

However (and isn't this always the case) once I was up and about, the children interfered with my peace. Diva argued with me when I set her to a job (that she'd been told to do over a week ago and had done it insufficiently). She got pissy. I've been feeling pretty pissy myself for the past few days. Moving along... and Sproing bounces in my face and taunts me. I tell you, that sort of thing takes the wind out of my sails.

Is this normal? Is something wrong with me that I am not able to complete my appointed rounds (so to speak) when I encounter kid interference? Maybe my ADD contributes to the problem. Or perhaps the over-the-top abnormal behavior of these children has stressed me out to the point that I am so easily derailed. The arguments from Diva are kind of normal for teenagers her age and level of maturity. But because she is abnormal in so many pathological ways I guess I'm hyper sensitive to her behavior. I have less patience with her than perhaps I would or should if she wasn't so nuts.

Listen to me. I'm talking about the children again. Dammit. There are other things in my life! Things I want to think about, discoveries I need to make about who I am becoming.

A lot has changed in my life in the past decade. Ten years ago I was a faithful Bible-believing Christian actively involved in a conservative church. Was it seven years ago now? I caught the gay. Met C, grew to love him, and came to the realization that there is nothing wrong with being gay. It's normal, natural, and not at all what I'd been taught. Questioning the church's teaching on homosexuality led to more questions about the validity of other things the church teaches about the Bible and society.

I've had a sea change in personal worldview. These things require a lot of thought. I need to review events in my past, reframed with my new perspective. Have I had time to do that? Hell no. I've been dragged through the wringer... well, you know. Read most of my archives for the past couple of years. It's been hell with these two adolescent lunatics. Bitter? Oh yeah.

I got a couple of hours of freedom from those stresses last night chatting with Victor. I am unbelievably grateful, Victor, for the conversation we shared.

Another day, and pretty pictures

Well, I didn't have to go to the kids' school today, so that's good. Sproing was home all day, the first day of his suspension from school. Superman gave him lots of work to do around the yard. Sproing feels good about himself when he can accomplish tasks like that. He hasn't been as annoying as he was yesterday.

Part of the problem, I think, is hormones. Mine. I am in a super pissy mood and have no patience for anyone. The only one I want to spend any time with is Superman, and that's iffy.

Didn't do jack shit today. Today's accomplishments: put away some of our clean clothes, take a shower, mix up a batch of bread, and refrain from killing the children. OK, that last one was a biggie. Yeah, it's been a busy day. I slept for three hours this afternoon because I'd had enough interaction with my sons. I had to escape and that's the best way I could think of. Also, I was tired.

Oh, one other thing I did this evening is change the slide show on my desktop background. Been wanting to do that for a while. I have lots of saved images of pretty things, so I put a bunch of them in the slide show rotation. Here's a sample.

These first four are from the recent National Geographic photo contest. I followed a link on facebork or something. Oh, hang on, I think the next one is also one of the Nat Geo winners. 

 I have no idea where the rest of these photos are from. I'd like to give credit where credit is due, but I've been lax about citations as I add these pretty things to my "pretty pictures" file. Sorry. I don't actually own the rights to any of the photos in this post. That's my daily disclaimer. You're welcome.

Not one but TWO crazy children!

So yesterday I told you that Diva went all batshit and set fire to her bedroom. Well, to a small pile of trash in her bedroom. The more I think about it, though, the more it disturbs me. She easily could have caught the whole house on fire. I don't need that shit.

Today at school she told a guidance counselor that she tried to kill herself yesterday by setting herself on fire. Seriously? I don't think that's exactly what happened. She didn't burn herself. The fires? (she also lit one in our fire pit in the back yard) Maybe just a means of expression. I don't really know. Anyway, I got a call from the guidance office that I needed to come pick her up and take her to the emergency room because of this threat of self harm. I picked her up, indeed, but took her to the department of mental health office to talk to her therapist. Much cheaper than an ER visit. I've taken her to the ER three times within the last year for that reason, and she's never serious about the threat. It's attention seeking behavior. We had a brief conference at the school before I took her. In attendance were two people from guidance and the school resource officer, plus me and our service coordinator who just happened to be here to meet with me when all this shit went down. Diva admitted to the group of us that she did not intend to hurt or kill herself.

So we left, Diva, me, and the service coordinator, and motored to the Dept. of Mental Health offices where Diva condescended to actually communicate with her therapist. They had a lovely talk and Diva was all sweetness and light afterward. WTF. I took her back to school.

That whole exercise took 2.5 hours out of my morning. I barely had time to get a bean burrito from Taco Bell on the way to the doctor's office for my 1:00 appointment. The doctor checked his handiwork on my belly (from the hernia surgery three weeks ago) and said all looks good, I can do whatever I please. Well, that's nice.

I got home from the doctor's office and headed for the shower. Didn't have a chance to get one this morning before being called to the school. Checked my phone as I was disrobing, as I'd turned the sound down in the doctor's office. Lo and Behold there was a missed call and voice mail from the 9th grade assistant principal. This time the call concerns Sproing, who got into a fight during lunch and is now suspended for six days. Please come pick him up now. And you know, I had just begun to feel a little bit better after the escapades of this morning. So instead of taking a shower, I drove back to the high school to nab Sproing. I am not amused. He is not humbled by the experience. I told him he is in trouble, and he says he isn't. Dude. It's not your decision as to whether or not you are in trouble. You choose your behavior, Daddy and I decide what consequences result from that behavior. He doesn't get it. Superman had to come home and apply the belt to his backside a couple of times to rearrange the boy's thought process.

I did finally get my shower. I'm now in Superman's old night shirt, sitting on the bed telling you all about my mess. And I've had an Ativan. Frankly I don't feel much better. Maybe not as frantic as I was, but I am still shaky and emotionally fragile. Have only had 1 mg, am going to take one more. Then perhaps I'll take a nap. I like naps.

It's that child again

The young girl-child. This is what she did today.

 These are scorch marks and melted I-don't-know-what on her bedroom floor. She set fire to some garbage. In her bedroom.

 When I went to check on things after Sproing told me she was burning something, there was a very small flame on a small pile of charred something - maybe paper. I stepped on it, put out the flames. Told her she had quite a mess to clean up.

These pictures were taken after she'd done some cleaning. When I first saw it there was lots of broken glass and glass beads all around. She threw her make-up mirror at the wall. She also threw a small plastic fish tank that Superman bought her to house a Beta fish. (The fish died long ago.) It had blue and green glass beads in it before they scattered over the floor.

When asked why she set fire to trash in her room she answered "because I want to kill myself." By burning down the whole house?? WTF? She doesn't think very clearly. She threatened to hang herself earlier in the afternoon, then later she said she'd stab herself with a knife. I asked if she had a plan to hurt herself, if she really intended to do it. She said "None of your goddamn business." Excuse me? I am her mother. It's definitely my business.

I didn't know what exactly to do. Should I call the police? The fire was very small and there are two small scorched areas on the floor. How big a deal is this? I have no perspective from which to judge. Or should I take her to the hospital as a suicide risk? We've done that before. The upshot then was that she threatened suicide as a bid for attention. Shortly after Superman and I had a "serious discussion" with her about the fire she "ran away." She put some things in her book bag and left the house. A couple of hours later Superman went to her best friend's house and found her there. As I suspected. He brought her home.

There is other stuff going on behind all this mess. Evidently she has a reputation at school for being a slut. She blames Sproing for spreading this rumor. He of course denies everything. I don't know how the gossip started. Oh, and she called me a liar when I said I didn't know who started it. She says - he says. I don't believe either of them. The thing about her reputation as a sexually loose young woman is that it's true. She sleeps around. Why? I don't know. Also, word got out that she's bisexual. She is livid about that. But, I said, you are bisexual, right? Yes, she is. So? Well, it's social death or something. This is small town South Carolina, so perhaps it is. She's sunk anyway, mostly of her own actions.

I'm fuckin sick of the whole mess. Having a hard time dredging up any give-a-shit. I just want my house to not burn down. We're sleeping with our bedroom door locked tonight because I don't trust her. She is livid. She may well be capable of and willing to sneak in here and stab me in my sleep. She might also set the house on fire. Superman brought the kitchen matches and the lighter for the fire place into our room for the night.

It's late. I'm tired and have a busy day tomorrow. I may or may not sleep tonight, but I'm going to give it a try.

Because it's fun to watch something be destroyed

SSI Shread of the month