What does it mean for me to be a woman? How does that work in my life? What am I supposed to do with my misogynous impulses?
Who or what is the Divine Spirit, the Deity, and should those words be capitalized in this context? What is true about the Supreme Being (or Beings)? How does that differ from what I've believed all of my adult life? I have a need for spiritual nurture, but I don't know how to do that anymore. I miss it, but when I have participated in spiritual worship recently, it seems to not fit right.
What am I supposed to do with my intellectual curiosity? I'm back in college now, and I love it. But right now it doesn't seem to have a point or purpose. Where am I headed? There are so many areas I want to explore. I look at websites of graduate programs and see such a wide range of studies that interest me. I am 47.5 years old. If I want to put this education to profitable use, I'm going to have to narrow my scope.
I don't have time or energy to work on these questions. The daily domestic turmoil precludes deep thought. Hell, the daily domestic turmoil upsets my mental / emotional balance so much that I can't decide whether to have raisin bran or frosted mini-wheat for breakfast.
The pressure is building. My soul cries out to be allowed to grow. Significant elements of my life are squeezing me, restricting my capacity for contemplation and growth. It's crippling.
I am slowly suffocating.
4 comments:
I've come realize that those trying times are the times of greatest enlightenment.
Ultra Dave is right. Survive this tremor and you'll be that much closer.
My Dear Sweet Woman,
First of all, EXACTLY, precisely, when is your birthday? Because I want to figure out if you or I are the oldest! Because I'm 47.5 as well....and will be until next February 19......and you?????
I do not enjoy those periods of struggle in life...at all. In myself nor others like you. But I'm like Dave, I see a brighter place ahead....with the school, and even simply the realization and acknowledgement that things aren't quite right....is more than half the battle...it's like you're at the door of something new. And I know I know I know you need something to be different than it is today. And I wish it was. Keep on keeping on my dear. I do not know when nor where nor how....but I do know. That's all. I do know. Struggle is not for the fainthearted.
I am slowly suffocating.
Honey, just take the pillow off your face.
Usually when we feel like this, our soul is yearning to grow. Relax, don't take yourself too seriously, and be open to ideas you would usually discount. A path will open, and you will have the choice to take it or not.
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