The surreal: Then we had the family therapy meeting with Diva and the therapist. The primary topic was the mother-daughter relationship. We don't have much of one, and the idea is to strengthen that bond. I spoke to Diva about my efforts to connect with her, and my perception that she doesn't seem to make any attempt to contribute anything to the relationship. Her response is telling: she showed no emotion. She didn't make eye contact with me. It wasn't like she specifically avoided looking at me, rather she didn't look at anything. Those eyes were blank. She wasn't present.
The therapist asked Diva how she feels about us being her parents, and the things we do for her and with her as her parents. Her answer was "nothing." And it's true. She has held this opinion for many years. She doesn't need us. She isn't attached to us in any real emotional way. She's biding her time until she can move out and live independently, which by the way she thinks she's capable of now, at twelve years old.
I'm supposed to go see her once a week and do some fun, meaningful activity with her. Diva reminded me that I'd begun to teach her how to knit, so the therapist jumped on that as a good starting point. Next Thursday morning I will go to Columbia, take the knitting needles and yarn I got for the child, and we will have a knitting lesson. I'm taking thin, relatively sharp, long metal sticks into a mental health treatment facility for my daughter, prone to violence and unable to control her angry impulses, to use in an activity with me, her mother, with whom she feels no significant emotional attachment, all with the blessing and encouragement from her therapist. Does this look somehow wrong to you?
Before we settled on the idea of knitting lessons, the therapist suggested that I take her off campus to do something fun. I don't know the Columbia area very well, it's too hot for me to do any kind of outside activity (picnic, visit the zoo, etc.) and I despise the shopping malls. I've got a bit of agoraphobia going on. But the heart of the matter is that I do not want to be alone with her in any kind of unsupervised environment. I asked the therapist if we could stay on campus and share some simple relationship-building activity. I'd much rather be there where I have back-up if things go poorly.
I'm going to go along with the plan, as much to make a show of participation to the therapist as anything to do with Diva. I have a small spark of hope that this may actually work, but at the same time I'm frightened to get close to her. Every time I've done so before, she's used that against me in painful ways. The child isn't right in the head. Whatever is wrong with that child is no small thing.
10 comments:
I've read that it is common that adopted children and children who were in foster care or have had trauma in their early years, have attachment issues. Based upon her history, it is no surprise that she seems to feel nothing. She does though, and as her mother, you have to break through to her.
Have you tried some sort of art therapy? Maybe scrapbooking? It would be a great way for you two to look back on your years together and find a way to reconnect. I think it's imperative for both of you and since you are the adult (and have the more stable mental health) it's going to be up to you to find a way to connect with this kid. Big hugs and best of luck!
These "exercises" are as much for the therapist as they are for Diva, to see what happens. You may have to jump through a few hoops until the therapist gets a clearer picture of Diva's mindset. Good luck, sweetie.
I think Rox’s scrap booking suggestion is a good idea. I would be concerned about giving Diva knitting needles. She seems like a loose cannon.
I'm with you on the knitting needles thing. Gah! I've tried to explain to friends the nature of my relationship with the child, and the closest I can get is of an emotional black hole. With poison gas.
Good luck with the therapist; I think Birdie's got a good point about some of the underlying reasons for these sessions.
Honestly, though, I wouldn't want to spend any more time around Diva than I had to, either. She scares me, and makes my skin crawl.
Funny you got your hair cut too short this week......so did I. The barber asked if he had used a #2 last time and like an idiot I said YES. And away he went....all over my head with these clippers. Well, it's short all right! Betcha it's shorter than yours!
Every time I read an article about adopted children who are "sent back" I think of you and Diva.
I agree with the no knitting needles. Good luck with everything.
I always try to talk the hair cutting person into cutting to the point they are comfortable with and to cut it 15-30% shorter... they never do in spite of my insistence that it's certain to grow back rather quickly. Enjoy it and enjoy not having all that extra hair with the heat of Columbia while you're making those trips down there.
As for the therapy exercises, I think everyone involved will be able to look back in a few weeks and have a better perspective because of them. Patience and Love are certain to go a long ways; sometimes it takes a bit of time and distance to make everyone come to terms with reality and their role in that reality.
Hope this note finds you and yours well and healing... with love and prayers, -C
what a challenge.
Good thing you never taught your daughter how to de-bone a chicken - imagine the "play time" with that!
Anything regarding the hair has got to be better than the chop-job you did yourself. It could be worse - you could be sporting a "Sinead O'Connor".But like you wrote - hair grows back.
Boning a chicken. >Snk<
Do be careful with those knitting needles. They should have a soothing garden on the grounds where you could safely visit. But then again, that's my answer to everything.
Love the hair!
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