I was at least able to function at work today.
But I still feel like an old piece of tissue paper left out in the rain, colors running into the cracks in the sidewalk, what little structure I have turning to mush.
I had an extremely busy day at work. One of the other special needs drivers was out today and I took half of her route this afternoon. This morning I had some paper work to do, some loose ends to tie up (no, not you this time Patrick), some situations to double check. Then I had my mid-day route. It's a short one, but interupts the flow of the day.
And I had an appointment with my therapist. I broke down all over again. This is the first time she's seen me anything but chipper. I could barely form coherent thoughts. It got me all wobbly again, and I had to rush back to work when I left her office.
Notice I said nothing about food? I didn't have a chance to eat much today. I grabbed a milkshake on my way back from the bank. (Oh, yeah, I forgot that one. My account fell down thanks to a late-coming charge from my trip last month. I had to go pick it back up again. Thankfully today is payday, so I had a little bit of money with which to fix it.) I had some ice water and 4 granola bars. That, plus a little carton of yogurt I had at 5 this morning, is all I've had. I know I need fuel to function, I just didn't have a chance to do much about it until now. And now I'm not doing anything about it. I don't want to. I'm angry, or sad, I dunno. I can't bear the thought of going into the kitchen. Maybe I'll go get an apple. I know we have some on the counter in there, and I can bring it back to the bedroom to eat it.
Being busy at work helped get me through the day. Except it was stressful and exhausting, leaving nothing to work with now. The therapist had some ideas about rallying the troups for the cleaning expedition. She also said we'd do it when I feel stronger. I have nothing right now. No umph, no encouragement, no way for me to support my directives. So I'll think about it "tomorrow." (not necessarily Tuesday. You know, a vague concept called tomorrow)
I'm rambling again. I'm going to get that apple, maybe a bit of peanut butter and a handful of raisins, come back and check a few blogs. Then I'm going to bed. My bedtime goal for tonight is 8:00. I'm already showered and dressed for bed. And the most wonderful husband in the entire world has taken the kids to their soccer game and will do what else needs to be done, then tuck them into bed. Isn't he super?
And thanks all of you for your encouragement and support. I'll appreciate it more when I feel better.
Moving Along, but Adrift
11 years ago
13 comments:
You're in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you much love and support.
Isn't it odd how something such as work brings us balance and a center point. It's consistent, I guess. Always there. And that, we need. Hugs to you.
It wasn't a good day in "indigoland" either, heh heh. Partner was worried and pissed off because the Indigo-Halo pairing had become an Indig-Thistle pairing about three weeks ago and we didn't tell him. But he noticed. Not a good evening.
empathies and sympathies.
i keep a feel good journal. in it are things that people have written about me, things i've accomplised, pleasant things (like my letter of admission to university) and the like to remind me on days like you're having that i'm not a total loser, that there are people who care about me and that i've done good things. while it doesn't necessarily help me feel "better" it helps me recognize that the depressed thought patterns are temporary and will cycle out.
i'm sorry that things are feeling icky right now, and having a productive therapy session has a way of making that more accentuated. i'm glad that you're taking care of yourself and your hubby is helping you do that.
on the really shitty days, i do my best to focus on believing that i will get through just that day. if i try to pile my whole life in my head on those days, i get even more overwhelmed.
i hunker down and do the minimum required, because i know from expeience i have had better days. and better days will return.
believe in yourself javabear...
Kisses.
u know u have all my love and support coz in my time of need u gave me yours.
kisses
Well, just remember that the funk always passes.
Frankly I think it was good for your therapist to see you in something other than chipper, no? I mean, this is what you want her help with, right? And others have said it, but I'll repeat, this has all the signs of clinical depression (feeling overwhelmed by everything, feeling guilty for not getting things done, feeling like a complete waste of a human being) and if so, you can't just 'snap out of it'. Do try to be kind to yourself, find some way to pamper yourself (the apple is an okay start, I guess, but not what I'd call a bit treat exactly; but that's just me). And yes, all this is going to feel ten times worse if you haven't eaten, and are having trouble sleeping (was last night better than Sunday in that regard?). So sorry you're having such a down time, and forgive me if 'advice' is the last thing you need at the moment... Bottom line, I sympathize, and hope you feel better soon. And Cooper is right, if I lived close by, I'd come help clean too. Easy for us to say though, right? xoxo
You've got a lot of love heading your way from all your blogland friends. Accept it for what it is and be willing to take for a moment instead of giving.
And check your email, sweetiepie.
Hugs,
Birdie
Thinking of you, Java as you make your way out of this "funk." (((((HUGS)))))
Remember that I will always love you and appreciate you no matter how you feel about yourself at the moment.
Loves,
~L
{{{{{{{{mwah}}}}}}}}}
eat some f-ing protein babe
Post a Comment