What it is

I started this last Friday.

I've been sitting here for a couple of hours with this tab opened. I am doing the ADD thing: stare at the blank "new post" box, Google something I think of, look up something I remember, etc. Then I come back to this empty box. Then I play a few hands of solitaire before coming back to this blank box. It's not that I don't have anything to write. There's a hell of a lot going on, some of it of great import, some of it niggling. For instance, I got a shot of cortisone in my left thumb joint (distal) yesterday because it has a bone spur with aggravated arthritis (osteo-). It only hurt when I'd press it or knock it against something. Now it hurts just anyway. I assume the pain will subside in another day or two. It doesn't hurt very much anyway. This is not an item of great significance.

Sproing being placed in a boys home, on the other hand, is pretty major. We submitted an application on Monday (I think it was) heard back from the place via the school social worker on Wednesday. Yesterday Superman talked to someone from the home (might have been the director, I'm not sure) and he and Sproing are going for an interview on Monday. They might admit Sproing as early as next Tuesday.

And I haven't told you about Sproing's string of suspensions from school, either. He was suspended for three days last Wednesday, putting him back in school this past Tuesday. I took him to school and did the required face-to-face with the principal (and I cried like a whipped puppy in his office) only to have the principal call me before noon and tell me to come pick the boy up. He had earned another three days of suspension.

And this is as far as I got. Didn't have the heart to complete it then, so I'll try to finish it now.

This stupid thumb joint still hurts. It feels just like it did before I saw the doctor about it. That's $360 wasted. Well, for me it's 20% of $360, but that's not the point (of this discourse).

Superman and Sproing went to the boys' home yesterday. Sproing is scheduled to move there on Friday. This assumes that he lives that long. This afternoon was very rough. He strapped a belt around his neck and said he was just going to kill himself. This happened after he beat the walls with the belt buckle, placing small holes randomly along the wall. But instead of killing himself, he went with me to the grocery store where we got ingredients for tonight and tomorrow night's dinner, some ice cream for everyone, a few miscellaneous other things, and a little toy monster truck for him. Am I a sucker? Or does he need these little expressions of love from me right now? I don't know. It is what it is. He leaves Friday.

Sproing went back to school today after being suspended for a week and a half. I got a call shortly after 9:00 from the social worker. He was in her office, having been removed from the classroom for disruptive behavior. I basically begged her to keep him. I explained about the plan and told her he only needs to survive two more days at school before he's gone. Well, he did make it to the end of the school day. However, his sister did not.

Diva, the darling, mouthed off big-time to her chorus teacher. I don't know details, but does it really matter? She is suspended tomorrow, but goes back on Thursday. It's time to renew the search for a home for wayward girls. Sproing's drama has forced hers to the back burner.

This is all I have the energy for tonight. Stay tuned for further updates, as always.

Wait...

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Billionaires for Wealthcare

How to protest the protesters right under their noses.

Oh look! It's Tuesday!

I made it this far.

I went to sleep last night at 6:00, woke up this morning at 3:00. I'm on my way to IHOP for breakfast. The therapist says to do nothing today except that which might help. I have a doctor's appointment at 8:30, though I don't know why. Funny, huh? This is a pre-scheduled appointment to follow up, I guess, on something I've forgotten about. I'll show up and see if he remembers why I'm there. My thumb has been hurting for months now, and I keep meaning to get it checked, so I'll ask him to look at that while I'm there.

I haven't decided whether or not to go to classes today. The therapist suggests I stay home, but the stress of missing a class might be worse than laying low, if that makes sense.

I slept through supper last night, and have a hankerin' for some granola pancakes (or pecan waffles, if the pancakes are no longer available). (limited time only, you know)

Fantasy vs. Reality

I wanted to write a cheerful post, to talk about fun, sunshine and flowers, happy songs and cool, comforting breezes. I want to be able to tell you that I feel better than I did on Saturday when I last posted. I tried. I started another post earlier today, but didn't get beyond the first sentence.

And I really don't want to talk about why I can't honestly tell you happy things about my life. It's all old hat anyway. Nothing new, just the same old same old.

If the stone continues to pound the nut, eventually the nut will crack.

My therapist has ordered bed rest for me for the next 24 hours. I just took my anxiolytic. I have removed my contact lenses, and am now going to take off my watch and change into more comfortable clothing (well, really just my soft cotton blanket).

If you are inclined in that direction, send up prayers, positive thoughts, etc. 'Cause I am fresh out of positive thoughts.

Ugh

The depression is crushing me.

I sent off the application package to the school where we hope to send Sproing. It was at the same time hard and easy. He's been a big pain this week. He was suspended for three days. Thursday, Friday, and again on Monday he's not allowed at school. Superman has had to take time off from work to stay with him. It's either that or I miss classes. School is the only thing that is keeping me slightly sane right now. And frankly, it isn't doing a good job of that. He's being a royal pain in the ass now. I'm about to smack his pouty little face.

We don't know what to do with these children. Nothing works. We've been so inconsistent with our approach to discipline and parenting because we can't figure out what the hell to do. It's time for someone else to take over for a while. We need to heal. We're broken.

And Diva was sent home from school yesterday. She blew up at another student, made threats to kill that student and to kill herself. She's being manipulative. She's way too selfish to be serious about suicide. Homicide, on the other hand, I wouldn't put past her. I don't expect her to kill anyone, but I wouldn't be terribly surprised if she did. I did expect her to become sexually active, I just thought it would happen later than it did. She needs serious professional help. I ain't that professional. Hell, I need serious professional help.

I'm in such pain. It was so hard to get out of bed this morning. Showering felt good, but now I'm at my desk and can hear the kids. I can barely lift my arms. Breathing is a chore. Making complete sentences is a chore, too. I don't know if this missive makes any sense or says what I want to say. I don't know what I want to say. I can't think. And I've got a lot of homework to do today, so I'd better get my brain in gear. I don't know if that's possible.

That's all there is. That's all that there are words for. The rest is just pain: black, angry red, swirling and bubbling, spitting acid. It burns.

Lessons for the kitchen

I used to like to bake. I might still enjoy it, but for some reason (probably stress) it's hard for me to get motivated to do anything in the kitchen these days. Perhaps once there aren't so many needy people in my house I'll be able to enjoy it again.

But that's a tangent to what I came to talk to you about.

When I bake, cook, wash dishes, or do pretty much anything in the kitchen, I usually get messy. The front of my clothing is often covered in flour, and gets wet when I wash dishes. When I wash dishes after I've been baking, I end up with paste on my waist.

This morning I discovered a way to avoid getting my shirt messy. Cook in the nude! My stomach is much quicker and easier to clean than is my shirt. However I wouldn't recommend it for cooking bacon.

(I have no idea where this picture originated. It looks like it's from a magazine. I got it from another blog, I think, quite a while ago.)

I only have one class today, and that's not until 3:30. My other two classes were canceled for today. Everyone else is at work or school, and my clothes are in the dryer, hence the baking in the nude. There are many things I would like to accomplish today, studying being first and foremost. I also need to sew a costume shirt for Light. The day started off on the late foot when I slept until 10:30 this morning. But I had an awesome dream about flirting and falling in love/lust!

I have already accomplished a few things. I bathed. That's always a good way to start the day, and something that, on bad days, I skip. So it's a good sign. I iterated laundry, and baked a blueberry buckle coffee cake thingie. I just now took it out of the oven. It has to cool a bit before I taste it. And here's a blog post, something that I've been meaning to get around to for a few days. The kitchen is clean, all the dishes washed and counters and table wiped down. I finally put away the hand mixer that Diva left out last week after she baked a cake. It's been sitting on one of the chairs at the table for days. So all in all, I'm feeling mostly good about my morning's accomplishments. And I needed the sleep, so I'm not going to beat myself up about sleeping late.

But alas, I have yet to do anything that is actually on my list of things to accomplish, so I'm off to do that which needs to be done. TTFN

Go see

Guess what? My darling son Twitch has started a blog! Go check it out. He has presented a fairly accurate depiction of the weirdness that is him.

random, and school

I like men in kilts.

I don't like scorpions.

I love gay men (most of the ones I know, anyway).

It is good to be back in school. Tuesday was the first day back, and I've been to all my classes twice now. The first day of class is pretty useless as far as getting any work done, but we begin to know each other, students and professor. I like all my profs so far. My psych profs are terrific. I have three psych classes: abnormal psych, systems of psychotherapy (both taught by the same prof) and research methods. The methods class is the big ugly required class that everyone dreads. So far it's been terrific. I've never had this particular professor before, and didn't know if I would like him. I do! He's interesting and animated and we've had some great class discussions already. The guy who teaches abnormal and therapy is a big bear (straight) of a guy with a laid back nature and a great sense of humor. I have been eager to take classes from him since I first got to the school.

I have another sociology class, SOC 202. It's like SOC 101 on steroids. The subject is interesting, and the class is fairly diverse. In addition to me there are at least three other non-traditional students. I am, of course, the oldest. One guy in his mid 30s works as a guard at a men's prison around here. There are two other women who are a bit older than most students and have some life experience. At least one of them has children as well. The professor is a middle-age black woman, the sort you might expect to be a sociology professor. I'm not sure about her yet. She has an excellent syllabus and demands high quality effort from the students. I like that about her. However, I get the feeling that she may have some causes to champion, and that might make for some tense class discussions. So far so good, though.

The other class is Theater and Film. I need the fine arts credit, and it looked like the best option in the department. The class is large for this school. It's a small school, and most classes have 20 to 25 students in them. This class has 40, and most of them are freshmen. First semester freshmen, at that. (I think I blogged a little about this earlier in the week. I'm too lazy to check, and I'm on a roll now so I'm gonna keep rolling.) I like the professor. She has practical experience in theater. She was for over a decade the chief muckity-muck at our community theater, and she now administers the college's performing arts series (can't remember what it's called). I don't think she teaches drama or has anything to do with directing the plays or anything, though. I'm not sure. Not that it matters. Whatever. If I can get over the freshmen I'll be OK. (Gotta check out the guys, check for sexy and run my gaydar over 'em.)(There are way to many proto-sorority girls in the class. That type really bugs me.)

More random stuff: The gender conformity issues are nagging me again. How comfortable am I with being a woman? It depends on how one defines "woman." I ain't no girly-girl. Never have been, never will be. And why do I generally not like women? There are some women that I like a lot, women I like spending time with, women who are my friends. But the thought of spending time in the company of a generic woman or women (whatever the hell that is) really turns me off. I much prefer spending time with men. Being with straight men is sometimes iffy, just because the sexual tension gets in the way. I'm a shameless flirt. I can't help myself. One of the reasons I've allowed myself to get so overweight is to build a barrier of protection around me so that I won't be seen as sexually desirable to those not in the know (i.e. anyone but Superman). But I like men a lot, in a lot of different ways, and that's one reason I find myself so drawn to gay men. Sexual tention isn't an issue. Gay men tend to respect me much more than do most straight men I've known. That's a big plus.

I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm feeling teary.

Have a good weekend.

musings

Lookee here, it's September already! My Grandmama used to say "lookee here." She also said "that's a ticket" when I did something right. Without even meaning to, I use those same phrases occasionally. When I was a child, one of my goals in life was to be a crazy old lady like my Grandmama. Mostly I think I've made it. That makes me happy.

Being in school has many advantages. It gives me structure. It challenges and stretches me to grow in many ways. One of the ancillary benefits is that it helps the moods of the seasons. August and February are typically really bad months for me, but this year both months seemed to float on by without seasonal affective insanity. There was plenty of other insanity going on, as usual, but not that sense of doom I typically associate with August and February.

And speaking of growing in many ways, not all growth is positive. For example, take the growth of girth. Please. I'm a stress eater, and prefer the Santa Claus diet* above all else. Now that school is back in session, I find myself having to squeeze into the desks. It isn't a pretty thing, nor is it comfortable. I need to make sure there is a chair for me to use in those classrooms with the one piece desks. I can turn the desk around, sit in the chair in front of the desk, and use the desktop that way. My book bag can sit on the desk seat. Maybe all the walking around campus will help me "reduce," as my Grandmama used to say. Maybe eating more fresh fruits and veggies and whole grains, and much less cookie and ice cream will help me reduce. It's a thought.

I attended three of my five classes yesterday. Today I go to the other two. So far, so good. All of the classes except one look very good. I have three psychology classes, one sociology class, and a Theater and Film class. I need the humanities/fine arts credit from that theatre class. I don't mind the subject at all, and it has the potential to be interesting. It's a large class, though, and the majority of my classmates are freshmen. That's a match made in hell. Anyway, we shall see what we shall see.

*Milk and cookies, of course. Though I prefer coffee with my cookies. I get my dairy supply from ice cream.