Briefly - and I really mean it this time

Ever since I finished my stats exam this morning I've been keeping myself going with the knowledge that I had an appointment with my therapist this afternoon. An hour before the appointment time I got a call. She's out sick today. I cried.

I still had to go to the office, though, because Diva had her first appointment with a new therapist at that office. I'm home now, and I've just taken my Lorazepam.

Goodnight.

It is probably organic

Today is not going well for me. The problem is most likely organic in nature. Sure, I have a lot of stress right now, but my lack of ability to cope feels more like a chemical/hormonal imbalance than merely an emotional reaction to the stress. I feel like I am on the brink of insanity. On days like today I realize just how thin my veneer of mental health is. 

And yes, I took my medicine today and have been consistently taking my medication for a long time.  

Difficulty organizing my thoughts

Anger; inappropriately high levels of anger, especially toward the children

Inability to form complete sentences when speaking to those children

Inability to form coherent sentences at all

Hyper-critical of my own thoughts and actions

Desire to withdraw from almost all social interaction 

Desire to inflict bodily harm; self-flagellation (I'm too wimpy to actually do it, but I think it would be appropriate under the circumstances.)

Suicidal ideation*

Sometimes I wish I'd never had any children at all, ever. Even though I love my children, and don't mean to insult or in any way harm them, there are times when I think my life would have been less traumatic if I'd just left well enough alone. If I were childless, though, I'd probably have regrets. Right now I see no way to escape deep feelings of despondency, helplessness, hopelessness. regret, sadness.

I am unwell.

*No, I'm not going to kill myself. There are too many people dependent on me. Sometimes I wish I could, though.