Tired, rambling musings

I am terminally tired tonight. It's only 7:30, but I'm going to bed when I finish this post. My lungs aren't doing well. I am resting and taking my meds, but it isn't quite the right combination of treatment. I probably need to drink more juice and Gatorade, drink less champagne (it was just the one night, New Years Eve! I've had no booze today at all). I also need to get a little bit of exercise just to loosen up the gunk in my lungs.

Superman goes back to work tomorrow, but the rest of us have one more day. Except Light. She's going back to school tomorrow. Her classes don't start until Thursday, but the dorms open tomorrow. The young kids' day care will be open tomorrow, and I think I'll take them over there to spend the day. They need to get out of the house and I need a break from them.

I've been thinking. Or rather, I've been trying to think. There are many things swimming around in my head that need attention. One of the things I hate about the whole New Year season is the expectation of introspection. I'm "supposed to" review my life, make some goals or resolutions to get on track for where or what I want my life to be. I don't wanna. I don't like looking too closely at my life because I don't like what I see. I'm a mess. Undisciplined, lazy, slovenly. And scared. I'm afraid I'll fail if I try to fix all this crap. I've already failed at a bunch of stuff. I've failed my family and I've failed myself. It isn't irreparable failure. I could fix it all up and make it look pretty. But if I just do the busy work, it won't deal with the underlying issues. I'm not too sure I could perform the duties without fixing the underlying issues. It's those pesky underlying issues that have me scared. I'm afraid of what I will see if I look to closely. I know this isn't healthy, but tonight I just don't care. I'm comfortable in my state of denial. I'm lying.