On the advice of the doctor

I'm not sure where to start. OK, really I started about two weeks ago, maybe longer ago than that. Yes, once again it's about the children. Superman and I took both of them to the psychiatrist this afternoon. There was a lot to talk about. 

First Sproing. He has some significant behavior issues. We are adjusting some of his medication. The child hasn't been sleeping since the last medication change. We're returning to one of the meds he was on before, leaving the other unchanged. The boy, not too big to begin with, has lost 10 lbs in the last month. At 11 years old he now only weighs 79 lbs. He isn't eating, nor is he sleeping very much. And as has been chronicled here, his behavior has gone from bad to worse. The medication change includes one that helps calm him down and helps him sleep. The one we've discontinued had the possible side effect of suppressing appetite. He sees the doctor in a month, and we will assess from there. I really hope his behavior and appetite improve now. 

The doctor, Sproing, Superman and I all discussed some behavioral changes he needs to make, and how we can all work together to help him get control of himself and make better choices. I hope this makes a difference. 

And now on to Diva. The child concerns me. I've been watching her carefully over the last few weeks. Did I tell you about our trip to the beach? The one that only happened in her mind? Yes, last Friday I discovered that she has told some people at school that when she was suspended from school last week, I took her to Myrtle Beach (a 5 hour drive from here) so we could look for sand dollars. Yes, I mentioned that in my last post about her. The thing is I think she sort of believes it. I told that story to the doctor, along with a few more. Of course the obscene phone call to the school district official was news to the doctor. 

Superman and I spoke privately with the doctor without Diva about Diva. I am beginning to see some signs that look suspiciously pathological* in nature. We discussed some of my suspicions, and the doctor agrees that things are not right with that child. We have started the procedure to have her retested by the Behavior Health center at our local hospital. The head psychologist in that department is a genius and blessing to our town. She's very easy to work with, too. I feel so-so about Diva's child shrink. The doc at the hospital is great. 

The child shrink suspects that Diva's IQ score of 79 from her last psych testing 2 years ago is artificially high. She recognizes what I've noticed, that Diva has some serious mental disconnect issues in her cognitive ability. 

Ever since last Friday this has been bothering me. I started reflecting on a lot of Diva's behaviors and attitudes. I've looked at her strenths and weaknesses in light of her recent activities. I'm stringing together a long list of disturbing behaviors. As I said in a recent post, some of these things seem innocent enough if taken individually, but there is just too much evidence to indicate a significant problem. 

I have had reservations about the child psychiatrist, as I mentioned previously. We talked for a long time today, and I have a new appreciation of her expertise. Yes, she's still very young and doesn't have much experience, but she isn't stupid. Anyway, she has referred Diva for more psych testing with the doctor I really respect, and she will be leaving town this summer, so it's all good. 

Superman and I talked with the shrink about the possibility of residential care for Diva. The doc said that with her condition (if that's the best word to use) a very structured environment is good. She actually said that the structure and regimentation of prison is perfect for her. Hang on. Wait a sec here. OK, after further elaboration, the doc is NOT suggesting that Diva go to prison. But residential care, possibly. We'll do some research, watch the child carefully, and see in a year or two (or sooner if Diva presses the issue) if that might be the best option for her. 

Birdie has been very encouraging in her comments about this. She reminded me recently that all of this mess with Diva is not my fault. And you know what? I can see that better now. The more I see psychosis in Diva's behavior, the less responsible I feel. Actually, I'm pretty impressed with how well Diva is doing, considering the pathological perspective. I suspect she'd be in a whole lot worse condition if she was in most any other environment. 

It is late, I'm rambling, and I still have some reading to do for class tomorrow. I'll post this now, then in the next day or two I'll look over it and see if it makes any sense. Until then, go about your lives, citizens. Nothing to see here. These aren't the droids you're looking for. 

* 

path⋅o⋅log⋅i⋅cal

 [path-uh-loj-i-kuhl]

–adjective

1.	of or pertaining to pathology.

2.	caused by or involving disease; morbid.

3.	caused by or evidencing a mentally disturbed condition: a pathological liar.

Kidlet updates

Today has been much better than yesterday on the kidlet front. 

Sproing brought a note home from his teachers today. It says "[Sproing] had a better day today. He did not talk back, and he stayed focused a lot better. Thank you for talking to him. I know he will succeed if he stays focused." It was written by the intern and signed by both her and the regular teacher. I suspect that having Mom Go Talk To the Teachers probably made a difference, or at least made some kind of impact on the young'un. 

Good news on the Diva front, too. This evening she came in and said "Um, Mom, um, don't get mad." (Conversations like that rarely end well.) "I decided to come tell you about it instead of just taking it." Then she told me that she'd been looking for something under the sink in my bathroom and found my make-up bag. It's a very small (and cheap) clutch purse that holds one tube of lipstick and a small eye shadow compact, the extent of my make-up collection. She wants the purse. I told her she couldn't have my purse, BUT since I now know she likes it and wants something like that, I will be on the lookout for one to get for her. Of course I told her how very proud I am that she asked me instead of just taking it. Then I told her again. And reworded it another way and said it again! We definitely want to reward and encourage this behavior!

I've been thinking about Dr. Pedia's dire prediction about Diva. I have decided that my best response to that is to discount what she said about my daughter. IMHO, she's full of shit. She may be a licensed psychiatrist and probably knows a lot of information, but she doesn't have perspective or experience and is generally wrong about Diva being (more or less) a lost cause. No, she never actually said the child is a lost cause, but she certainly indicated very little hope that Diva would ever respond positively to being part of this family. Bullshit. She's my baby girl and I love her. She's gonna be (gonna be?? Already is!) a handful. The next 5-15 years are going to be a wild ride. But there's always hope. For her I hold out a rather large helping of hope. 

Parenthood isn't for sissies

My head hurts. It isn't a headache kind of thing, but more of a heartache and frustration cocktail that has me discouraged all through my head. It's the children, of course. 

Diva had an appointment with the child psychiatrist yesterday. She's a pediatric psychiatrist, so I'll call her Dr. Pedia. She is relatively new in this practice, as the previous kid-shrink moved away last summer. This is a temporary assignment for her, though. I don't know why, exactly, but she's supposed to leave this summer. I don't know if the practice will have another kid shrink to replace her. Enough useless background, let's get to the point. 

So Diva went yesterday for her second visit with Dr. Pedia. At my suggestion the doctor looked at Diva's test results from the psych evaluation done on her a couple of years ago. Dr. Pedia evidently hasn't actually read my child's chart. But anyway, after looking at the test results she said that with Diva's diagnosis and some of her behavior she thinks Diva might grow up to reject the family. Or if not reject us outright, then she will never appreciate what we have done for her. Apparently, according to the doc, she is probably incapable of appreciating us, or perhaps incapable of communicating it. I'm not sure I believe her entirely. She's a young doctor without much experience, this is just one opinion, and there is a lot of time to see just what happens. There is a lot of water yet to flow under this bridge before she grows up. That being said, it was a very disheartening thing to hear. 

As I have said more than once it is my responsibility to do the right mother thing, but her responsibility to function in life. I am not responsible for what choices she makes. That goes for all of my children, for those who show good decision making skills and those who don't. I parent the kids to the best of my humble ability. What they do is not necessarily a reflection on me for good or for ill. Most people don't see it that way, but if I'm not accepting responsibility for the antisocial behavior, I can't accept responsibility for the stellar behavior either. I do my part, they do what they will. Some of them I'm more proud of than others. 

Sproing is in the Java Family News today also, and not in the stellar-behavior column. Some background (I'll try to be brief): The boy has had behavior problems in school in the past. This year he has kept his behavior under control and done quite well in the classroom. (Behaviorally, but not grade-wise. That's another post.) The teacher he has this year is marvelous. She's one of those wonderful natural teachers who exudes confidence and demands respect just by walking in the room. She's been teaching for some 20 years and knows how to handle kids with strict affection. The woman is gifted. Amazing. Sproing responds very well to her. 

The fly in the ointment, however, is a student teacher doing her internship or clinical or whatever they call it. This poor thing is maybe 22 years old at the most, but she could easily pass for 16. She's thin and pretty and shy. Fresh meat, in other words. She's trying to teach the class Sproing is in. I think today was her first day to be completely in charge of the class without having the regular teacher in the room. The hunting hound in Sproing sprang. To make matters worse, this poor girl's instructor was in the room evaluating her teaching. I don't know details, but from what I heard from the teacher and intern and Superman (who talked to the teacher on the phone at noon), Sproing was given 5 chances to do the right thing. He made an explicit decision (5 of them, evidently) to disobey. He talked back to the student-teacher, was very rude to her, refused outright to do what she asked of him. In other words, he was oppositional and defiant. As in Oppositional Defiant Disorder*. He had to be removed from the classroom. I'm not sure how long he was out of the room, whether they kept him out all day or not. He said something this evening about having to stay in the in-school suspension room tomorrow. He may have meant he'll have to go there if he acts up again tomorrow. I say stick him in there and make it miserable for him. He has lost privileges at home through the weekend because of his behavior. 

You know, folks, I'm tired. All this shit day after day with no relief in sight. According to Dr. Pedia, possibly no reward at the end of the shit. I know from previous experience that a lot of parenting isn't this difficult. We just lucked out with this pair. I'm really tired. 

*If you check that link you'll see a list of 9 typical behaviors of the ODD child. Sproing regularly displays 8 of the 9. Remember the operative word there is "excessive."