I last posted on Tuesday. Tuesday was a really bad day with him, but he pulled it together for Wednesday and Thursday. He spent all day Wednesday at school without the school having to call his parents. That's maybe the third day since school started that we haven't been contacted during the school day. On Wednesday afternoon Superman went to the school and officially withdrew him from the district's school system.
Thursday he spent all day until about 3:00 at the hospital undergoing a battery of psychological tests. Remember when Diva did all that a few months ago? Well, it's his turn now. We'll get the results summary in a couple of weeks. They will also send a copy to Sproing's new school.
I've been anxious and teary all week in anticipation of taking him to the boys' home. I actually began to cry in class yesterday. I pulled it together quickly, and I think no one but the sweet young woman who sits beside me even noticed. Today I was able to do what needed to be done, but I was sublimating my emotions. I'm really good at putting on a "proper" face for the kids (most of the time). My nerves have been on edge all day. I drove 9 or 10 hours today, because that's how long it takes to get out to the boys' home and back here. We spent an hour or so together once we got there. There were some papers I needed to fill out and/or sign. The director took us to Sproing's new "cottage" and we unpacked his stuff. He has some of his Hot- Match- (?) cars and the new pickup truck and camper I bought him yesterday. Don't you think the boy needs a new toy from his mama to take to that far-away boys' home? I do, too.
He will only be able to call home once a week. Tuesday evening is his cottage's call night. The boys are allowed to visit home one weekend a month, usually the first weekend. Since next weekend is the first in October, he won't be able to come home then. However, there's a family day the 4th Saturday of October when they will have some parenting classes and such-like, in addition to some play time for/with the boys. Superman and I are planning to go then, and take Diva to see the set-up (unless she gets placed in a home for wayward girls before then).
So, Java, how do you feel about all this? Weird. I feel not-quite-right. I've been very testy with Superman and Diva this evening. Twitch (home for term break right now) has been smart enough to stay out of my way. I know we are doing the right thing. But emotionally and/or subconsciously it feels wrong. Not the wrong thing to do, but wrong to have to do it.
Being the psychoanalytic sort that I am, I pay attention to my feelings, especially the odd ones that pop up when I am stressed. This evening I recognized that I feel the need to punish myself for sending my boy away. [No, of course it doesn't make sense. These things don't.] Realizing this now, I will be careful with other sorts of impulses that surface. I'll tell you this, though, it will be really hard for me to do anything nice for myself for a while.
Now that Sproing is safely tucked away in a good place where he can get the help he needs*, it's time to find someplace like that for Diva. Who knows what that will do to me? I might continue to freak, I might sing hallelujahs. I may do both. The dynamics of my relationship with her are different from how I feel about him. I love them both, but not the same because they are different from each other. I'm pretty sure there's some Mom-son vs. Mom-daughter dynamic going, too. Anyway, we shall see what we shall see.
Right now I'm going to chill out with my blogs, and/or watch this potentially interesting gay movie that Net Flikz sent me. TTFN
*I say it this way in a desperate attempt to convince my inner mommy.
11 comments:
Good mommy.
I am happy and sad and shaky thinking about it, and I'm not even there most of the year.
I'm glad it's done. It needed to be done; he's too much to handle at home. You did the right thing.
I love you.
Indigo Incarnates
I think you did the right thing. And it won't be forever. You're a really, REALLY good mom. :)
I don't think that you can ever be faulted for not wanting to see him achieve more than he has been.....for not wanting him to succeed and get the desperate help that he clearly needs. I believe you've made a good, quality, decision. Rest in peace, my sister. The sleep will do you good! Hugs.
it takes a good mommy to know when she can't do the job on her own and when she has to hand the reins over. he'll be with people who will care for him but since it won't be only one or two people there won't be burn out. you'll be able to get some of your personal reserves back.
despite how you might be feeling, you really are a good mom.
i read this post earlier and didn't comment as i had no idea of what to possibly say. there is so much wonderful in your heart. the process you find yourself in must seem maddening. i can't fathom it. but i do know that the road hasn't ended. your journey continues and your (gonna quote celine here) heart will go on. tough choices. you have my heart.
I can relate to your feelings, even if I have no point of reference for parenting.
You have my support, my best wishes, and anything else you need.
Lerve.
Deep breaths, Darling. At the very least give yourself those, when the self-punishing impulses rear their nasty, insidious heads. Much Love to all of you.
hang in there. i echo everyone else's thoughts in comments: you're doing the right thing. and you're a great mom.
I know that feeling of doing something right then why do I feel so rotten. Like when I used to fire people for stealing. Of course I had to fire them, why did I feel so shitty inside then? Hugs to you and good luck with Diva. The boy is in good hands.
You're a brave woman. I commend you for having the guts to send Sproing away. Don't feel guilty about your decision. It is the right thing to do.
You didn't "send your boy away" - you got him help. And as much anguish you may feel right now, you know it's the right thing to do for him, for you, for your family.
You're a good Mom.
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