We are rapidly approaching the end of our spring break here in this school district. School resumes on Monday. Since I work in Pupil Transportation I will go back to work on Monday.
Except I won't, because I'm having a spot of vertigo. Well, it's more like a large smear of vertigo. For a spot of vertigo I wouldn't change my plans. When the vertigo colors outside the lines and gets rude, I need to curtail my activities. I'm having a lot of dizzy spells that almost send me to the floor. It is of course worse when I change the position of my head rapidly, bend over, stand up, or turn around. All of the aforementioned movements are major components of my job. If I get dizzy while driving a multi-ton bus through the busy streets of this city, it could be bad. So I won't be driving the school bus at all next week on orders from my doctor.
This is not necessarily a bad thing. And let me tell you why. I have wanted to talk to you about this all week, but haven't had the peace and quiet to write.
I have decided to quit my job.
This year was going to be my last year driving the bus; I decided that a while ago. But my intention was to work out the rest of the year. For the past few weeks, though, I've been getting more and more stressed, less and less able to fully function. I am constantly bombarded with demands for my time and energy. Yeah, I know, welcome to the real world, baby. But I am not entirely well.
I have some options and opportunities not afforded to some. My dear husband has a very good job and makes a decent salary. We are used to my income, too, but we can, I think, live without it. It isn't very much, anyway! Our money management skills need some work, that is a weakness Superman and I share. With some discipline and organization I'm sure we can manage without my measly paycheck. Of course if I'm not working every afternoon we don't need to put the young'uns in childcare. That's a big savings right off the top.
My life has undergone some big changes over the last 2 years. My sanity's only so-so. (Extra bonus points if you can name that reference!) I feel as though there are more big changes in the near future. More about that in a moment. My mind, my soul need the quiet opportunity to process these changes and to prepare for the future. This cannot be accomplished with the current level of demand on my time and energy. This week with everyone out of school I realized that I can't concentrate with the young'uns running in and out, asking questions and making demands all the time. So I decided to tender my resignation, giving two weeks notice on Monday. Now that I can't work all next week, this shakes it up a bit. I think I will still resign on Monday anyway, and maybe not be able to work out my notice.
Am I trying to explain or to convince myself?
The bus driving job has always been a temporary station in my overall career path. I never expected it to last this long, honestly. I have learned a great deal about a lot of things over the past almost 4 years, most notably about myself. I don't regret one moment of it.
But be honest with me, people, do I seem smart enough to do something more with my life than drive a school bus? I realize I have made a positive impact on a lot of people during my time on the bus. I'm glad for that. Can I make a bigger difference in another venue? One that utilizes my skills, abilities, and intelligence better than driving a bus? Probably. Lord I hope so!
Some of my depression might come from my over-qualification for this job. I try so hard to look for positives. I make excuses for my lack of mental stimulation. This happens subconsciously. I find myself lowering my expectations so that I'm not so frustratingly disappointed. And we wonder why I'm depressed! There are many good reasons to get out of this job. The approaching hot season is another one. Not as intellectual, more physical, but honestly folks, I have a really hard time handling the heat. These buses are not air conditioned, and it gets very hot in there when the temps rise above 80F. (I'm a weather wuss.)
Here's more about these big changes ahead. Right now I don't know exactly where I'm going. I have a burning desire to work directly with the homosexual community to enact change, to render aid, to provide support and education. That's a pretty vague mission statement, you know? I don't know how this will work out, but I am heading in that direction. For this I need to prepare. I need to set my mind toward the task. I need (want) more formal education. I need to find out what more I need!
This is going to require a lot of emotional growth from me. That's hard. I've been stuck in the backwaters of adulthood for 20 years. My recent blogging experience has been the first significant intellectually stimulating interaction with live adult people that I've had in a very long time. (Present spouse excepted) There are some issues for me to work on. I need to get comfortable being around groups of people again. Gotta fight the agoraphobia. I should learn how to behave myself in polite company. Those skills will serve me well. I have a lot of unrealized potential. So much so that I don't realize how much potential I have.
Am I justified in quitting my job right now? Am I being irresponsible in my obligations? Or am I being wise in managing my mental/emotional resources? Discuss.
17 comments:
I'm glad I was the exception. ;-D
And I DO think you are being wise in managing your resources.
If the job is such a big component of the stress, especially in the expectations department, then yes, I think you're right to stop. I believe the phrase is 'quit while you're ahead,' or in this case while you still have a head.
And even if your sanity is only so-so, you're still not a gloomy old man. (or Gaston, thank God!)
oh dear god in heaven! giant huge changes in store for you! i trust that they are positive and in the right direction and will open new doors for you. it's exciting, really! new opportunities. such an important time of your life. i wish you well. think high. think outside the 4 walls. think of the unthinkable. love and hugs.
What? No more school bus stories :( Seriously, you know when it's time to go. And it sounds like you're in a position to have time finding something which brings more fulfillment. It doesn't get any cooler than that!
In the few months that we have chatted on and off, I think you know best what is good for you. As much as others can offer their two cents worth, only you know in your own mind what you need to do. If it is costing you mental peace, then by all means say adios to the bus company. They will get by, trust me on that point. Mom always reminded me of something similar when I was working in the concrete jungle and putting in 100 hours a week on a regular basis (plus all the traveling too).
As for you reaching new heights, I see you accomplishing that with great ease, personally. I think whatever you decide to take on you will be wildly successful at.
Just be sure to take some time off before launching into your new adventures, 'k? :-)
Yea! The last time I stayed at a job to long I was sh!t canned.
Here's a book that might help to focus your new career direction; Making A Living Without A Job by Barbara J. Winter.
It might be a good idea to get your house in order and take a bit of a break to get yourself to a place where big changes will not upset the apple cart.
If you can make it on superman's salary, I see no reason for you to continue something that you are already over. Good luck!
Well... I changed careers two years ago too. It was scary since my current job had nothing at all to do with my old job, but I have never regretted it for a moment. Your vertigo might get better if you're under less stress too.
I'm really glad you want to get into gay rights activism. You are so full of kindness, love, and empathy. You're just the kind of person our community needs to stand in the face of bigotry, hate, and fear.
Your financial situation will probably improve in a few years too. Your oldest children (16 or 17?) will probably want to move out in a few years. Then they'll only hit you up for grocery money and utilities, heh heh. :)
I think it's a good move doing something else. It'll probably be good for both physical and emotional health. Blessed Be, dear friend.
I understand and applaud your wish to make a difference. You already know that I am taking steps in a similar direction. I don't know if you're interested in making changes in your church; but if you are, I just learned about these resources from a contact I met at OutSpoken:
The Institute for Welcoming Resources is a good website, in general, and houses LOTS of resources. The web address is:
http://www.welcomingresources.org/
You also might want to look at the More Light Presbyterians website. This is the link to their resources:
http://mlp.org/staticpages/index.php?page=welcoming
The Covenant Network of Presbyterians also has lots on its website:
http://www.covenantnetwork.org/home.htm
I hope to be attending a Welcoming Resources workshop for starting the conversation this summer. You and I are in the "second wind" of our lives. Let's use it to make a difference wherever we end up.
Birdie
Short answer: I think everything you're saying makes perfect sense. Yes, I think you're extremely bright, but not only that, you have a inquisitive mind that enjoys nuance. It says volumes about you that you made such a good thing of this job as it is... but we all need to feel challenged (in good ways) and it's clear that you've been creating challenges for yourself, in a job that has ceased providing them. So I say, yes. Yes, Yes, Yes. Good for you.
Can anyone tell me why the links I included are not active? (I bracketed them in carats with an a and /a. What's missing?)
Hi,
My first impression of your dizziness was blood pressure medicines problems but I see that was already being addressed. Have you ever had inner ear problems? Balance and dizziness can be also caused by this part of your ear. Ménière's disease also should be ruled out. [ The symptoms that go along with dizziness in this disease are progressive deafness,tinitus(ringing of ears), a sensation of fullness or pressure in the ears as well.] I think it may still be that your medicine continues to need more adjusting. If your B/P is down and you get up too fast, your body can not adjust the pressure fast enough and you experience those feelings of dizziness.
Here's wishing you the best of luck in finding the solution to this problem. You may want to slow down those movements that bring on the dizziness until you have this under control. The best in your post-job endeavors.
in order:
yes
no
yes
taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do for your family, and more importantly, your sanity. there will always be another bus driver for the kids. there will only be one you.
i take it very seriously when an inner voice (angel?) tells me 'this is bad, get out, this is costing you life".
most people hear this but then they make the mistake to run the notion by their fears, not their faith. and then the Sabotueor in you steps up.
I admire people who hear, and decide to go, eventhough they are not sure of anything but they need to do it. good luck.
Oh hon, it's sort of like *I* wrote this. I think Birdie is right, this second wind is here for us and that is a good thing. Trust yourself and I know you will end up in a good place.
You've laid out your case and it makes perfect sense to me. As others have said, you know when it's time to move on and it seems to me that with the bus job, you've managed to find the best in it, learn from it, and grown as much as you can from it. Onto bigger and better things.
You ask can you make a bigger difference in another venue -- the answer is yes. Find that group or organization that best exemplifies the changes you want to help bring about and assistance you want to give and find out how you can get involved.
But don't forget us little people...
Big hugs.
Have not read all the other advice here, but you have to do what is right for you.
My dear dad always says that each one of us is the architech of our own fortune, so go and make a new future for yourself. Sometimes the hardest part is taking that first step in blind faith.
My thoughts are with you! You will find the right thing for you at ecaxtly the right moment.
*hugs*
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